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* TT>. The elevator went on up to 20. On the way down the boy said: "They left out the thirteenth story of this building because thirteen is an unlucky number. T IEUTENANT TAKESHIRA of the Japanese navy says, "The Americans are a very proud people. I was talking yesterday with an American sailor. He said that no one outside of America amounted to much. "'But,' I asked, 'what were your father and mother?' "'Yankees,' said the sailor. "' What were your grandfather and grandmother? ' "'Yankees.' . 4. DUt yuur gl rtUUiauici axiu givai;grandmother? "'Yankees.' "Finally I asked him, 'How about Adam and Eve?' '"Yankees too, by jinks!' said he." CENATOR MONEY of Mississippi asked ^ an old colored man what breed of chickens he considered best, and he replied: "All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits "em." CECRETARY WILSON of the Depart^ ment of Agriculture was practically compelled to find a place for a ward heeler * to a statesman. Later, the statesman called and asked: " What kind of work did you find for my friend?" "Fine work, just suited to his special abilities." "I'm glad to know it," was the reply. "What is he doing?" "Chasing snails off the walks in the parks." TWAS very poor once upon a time," savs * * 1 I 4 T xl A." T J. Adam tjeue. i was so poor inai i lived on credit and I slept on tick." /~\NE way to take the census of the children of a neighborhood," says Census Director Durand, "is to employ an organ grinder and his monkey for about five minutes." "pHE Secretary of Agriculture asked Chief Moore of the Weather Bureau, "As a scientific man, can you tell me anything definite about an earthquake?" "Certainly I can," replied the weather man, who is witty as well as wise. "An earthquake is a great movement in real m estate." DEAR ADMIRAL BROWNSON says that when he was a boy in Lyons, New . York, old George Tobin was the most ill natured man in the town. "In fact," said the Admiral, "I have never since seen any man with such an ugly disposition. For example, a young lady nn ?j HriorVt t A nril morn in or n nrl uiub iiiiii un i* ? '"v. & said, 'Good morning, Mr. Tobin. Isn't this a lovely day?' "'Who's findin' fault with the day?' was the reply. 'You go 'long! You can't pick no quarrel with me about the weather.'" TJNCLE JIMMY EDWARDS has been ^ guardian of the door on the Democratic side of the United States Senate continuously for thirty-three years, and is known to all public men of this country. In reminiscent mood Uncle Jimmy recently said: "When Tom Ochiltree was in the zenith of his fame as an exaggerator and prevaricator he came to me one morning and said, 'Uncle Jimmy, I s!posc* you have heard of the honor done me in New York?' "I told him I had heard nothing of it, and he said: "'Why, they are establishing a new publication over there, and have honored me Ingiving it my name.' "'Well,' I replied, 'that is an honor, to be sure. Are they calling it "TheOchiltree News'?" "'Not exactly that;' said Tom;- 'but substantially so. it is called "The Truth."'" QOLONEL BILL STERRETT, the rough diamond of Texas, whose name and fomo orn nttilpcclr hpmmwl in hr Atlan &U1I1V 1*1 v jyi V11X/VAJ1J ??^V* til J K **v *??***< tic and Pacific oceans, said that his father was a man of peace, if not roiled; but able to lick any man in the county who made a pastime of looking for trouble. A former bully of the county ran up against Sterrett the elder, on one occasion, and got a good .dressing down. He then took mean advantage of the old man, and made an infernal machine which he intended to produce as strong a kick as the elder Sterrett carried, and a little stronger. One night, when the old man was "practising before the bar," the villain sneaked in, placed his infernal machine right close to his legs, and jumped away. Bill says: "The string to the machine caught in the button of the coat of the rascal, the machine followed him, and he hopped into?well, the larger and more disreputable part of the hereafter?with a look of surprise on his face." CONGRESSMAN HAMILTON of Michigan says that because Boston is the alleged "Hub of the Universe" it necessarily follows that every little boy in Boston is a "Hub-Bub." ON a snowy morning, John G. Johnson, one of Philadelphia's well known lawyers, was walking down Chestnut-st., when he said to a friend: "This kind of weather reminds me of the first case I tried in court. It was concerning the ownership of ten front feet of very valuable ground. I was sure that I should win; but at the beginning of the cross examination of my client he was asked if he had not, only last January, admitted that the ten feet in controversy belonged to his neighbor Parks, and he replied: "'Yes, I did make that statement.' "'After such an admission,' shouted the lawyer, 'how dare you come into this court and claim the property?' '"Well, it was just after a very heavy fall of snow,' said my client. 'Neighbor Parks and I were shoveling off our sidewalks, and under the circumstances I thought it no harm to let Parks shovel off that snow." AUNT LUCINDY'S CHRISTMAS PARTY Aunt Lucindy Wilson was de best cook in de town; She baked a Chris'mas dinner, an' she axed us to come down. Dah was 'possum on de table, an' it scented up de air. An' de cullud population come a flockin' everywhere. Pompey Smash, de cullud dandy, come dah in his Sunday bes'; Bow-laig Ben, f'om Happy Hollah. he was dah widout his ves'; Pretty Sue an' Sally Johnson, Pahson Brown an' Deacon Green? Land! We was de happies' dahkies ole Virginny evah see! Ought to see Aunt 'Cindy's 'possum?been a comfo't to yo' soul! Sweeten 'tatahs layin' round it, lak so many lumps o' gol'! Pie an' cake was on dat table; co'n pone, cabbage, 'simmon beer? Does you wonder dat de dahkies flocked around f'om fur an' near? Pahson Brown he graced de table, an' his blessin' run lak dis: "Laud, prepah us foh dese comfo'ts!" An' he hit down wid his fis' On dat table till de dishes rattled on de pantrv she'f! "Pitch right in!" says Aunt Lucindy. "Evahbody he'p hissell!" Dah was eatin's f'om de ole house to de kitchen done dat day! Bless de Laud! 'twas r'allv sinful how we laid * 1 * t ue vituais wayi Pompey Smash fo'got his manners, an' good Pahson Brown eat so Dat we almos' had to tote him home, when he got up to go. When de pahson an' de deacon lef, we tuck a social cup; An' Xick Henderson, de fiddlah, 'gun to chune his fiddle up. Den we tripped de light fantastic, evahbodv feelin' gay, Xick Henderson he fiddled, an' he called off dis a way: " Pompey Smash, down in de co'nah, shake yo' foot wid Pretty Sue! Whut's de mattah, Aunt Lucindy? Is dey glue a holdin' you? Say, you little bow laig dahky. whut ain't got on any ves'. Fling yo' co'nfields high an' lonesome wid dat gal in de blue dress!" 'Long 'bout midnight we had supper, though we didn't need it ha'f; An' Xick Henderson tole stories dat'd make de ghos'es laugh. Den we played games an' drunk cider?an' de mos'est uv it, too. Evah last one uv us dahkies felt as rich as any T JCW. Den de way we went to dancin' was a scan'lus, sinful shame! But de music kep' a playin', an' ob co'se we wa'n't to blame,? Reels, quadrilles, hoedowns, an' lance's, an de oletime pigeon wing. Waltzes, essence uv Virginny, all han's roun', an' evahthing. Tell you whut, 'twas neahly daybreak when we all got stahted home? Evah feller wid his lady?'cross de fields, de way we come. But ouh.h'ahts wah light an' cheerful as de silvah night wah gran', Wid de wintah moon a shinin' ovah all de happy lan'. ?James D. Corrothers '*> # II ' =' M ! B Is pre-eminently the wanted and most H B distinctive Christmas gift; the giver is fe I If] fl assured of conferring supreme pleas- K . B fl . ure on wife, husband, mother, father, fl fl : jfl^^^ grandma, grandpa, aunt or uncle, niece, or nephew, baby, friend or sweetheart fl, ?on anybody you desire to please. U* H Sflflttk Thermos unites Summer and Winter, as it ^flt fl flDQflfly keeps any liquid or solid hot without fire S- fl MlHlHv and cold without ice until wanted for use. fl ' Thermos is necessary to every member of the ' 'r JBiHP family from infancy to old age; is necessary in the home for nursery, kitchen and sick- ma[s9a ^room; is necessary away from home at work mSBMMj(g or Play- f?r fhe plutocrat and the workingW^W"y If man, to the house-wife and physician. ^flgjj?^fl I fl f? automobilists, yachtsmen, travelers. M *1 campers, to everybody. ^^fl^^fl J I Thermos bottles, tea and coffee pot?. decanI I . torn <ora hnmidorj ffor nrpuArt'ino the mnie. Kt flavor of the leaf and the original H H F cigars, tobacco, etc.), motor restaur- I - H larettes, luncheon nets, English made I I ; cases, wicker baskets, drinking clips, I romplete assortment. H so necessary to you that we have H I a 34 page booklet full of interesting I I I i farts, which describes every Thermos H H trewilh illustrated, free on request 10s is sold throughout the world by all H H 'ores, but please be cautious, there are H I ess imitations?look for the name H . H mos"?it's on every Thermos bottle H ' H Ml THERMOS BOTTLE COMPANY JE^SSH Tkerae* BoiMiag, New Terk I . I ?I < ^ V Eike the Christmas Candy 11 e. Use Karo Syrup and follow the easy, I o recipes?Fondant Creams, Chocolates, 11 d Fruits, Fudges, Taffies, "Divinities," etc. B | V(^ro [j flBRSB Large Cans, 10c. & 15c. I B I Is exactly the same candy syrup I I '^wy^%L that the finest confectioners use. I I ^^HUNMA -.f7s'^ Afir ,,7 Clear as strained honey?delicate ^|j{f 'n flavor. Look for the red label. ff3|& h/*^ ' Karo (Golden Brown) is fine for i Send your name on a post card today I I Dept. N. NEW YORK P. O. Box 1*1 I ggSB^pM SECTIONAL BOOKCASES JigO END for our new catalogue A?something unusually attrac1 tftftS' tive?which we will mail you free on request. ;li| ll' Prices are lower than others [ on Sanitary Claw Foot, Mission and Standard styles; solid in iXfijSKIj^F: lit* appearance, no disfiguring iron hands, guaranteed. Grand Rapids quality with exclusive features. Sold by dealers o> direct. ^SLr*. <w%* Gunn Furniture Co., lVictoriJSt.,Grand Rapids,Mich.