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George Fixes the Old Car
Main Distinction in New Contraption Is That Instead of Sounding Like Collision in a Dish pan Factory It Resembles Jazz Band With Colic. BI NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. AS Joan of Arc, the originator of the Girl Scout movement, often used to say, “A dollar saved Is a good reason for spending five, in most fam ilies.” And this wise crack come into my lidnd the other night when that Joe iJßiisli of the Hawthorne Club turned inp at our house and he and George, “that's my husband, got to talking over the price of things. . It seems where Joe Bush had just got a job as manager of our local Pice & Ten Cent store, and now all he could talk was about the goods tljey carried and how a person could eat. dress und be merry without ever ’■ntering no other store then his. George stood this as long as could he expected from any friend, and then lie says, well, that's great Joe, I guess E will buy my new car offen you what kind you got down there. Well, Hot Bozo, Joe at once says, no kidding, I wouldn't be surprised if T could scrape up one for you. I am sure I could get you parts of it any ways. And Geo. says for the luwa Lucy, Joe, you look oet, I may make you prove It, my car ain't been going so good lately and I got to do some thing pretty soon. And Joe. he laughed that one off. and went home, and the minute he had went 1 pinned Geo. down and sewed him up before his memory could fail him about that new car ho had v mentioned. Hey Geo. I says, I certainly am glad we are gonner get a new car, 1 says, on account it hurts my more humane feelings to drive our flivver nowadays, it seems to suffer so. Well, says Geo., of course we could fix her up. All she needs is a new carburetor, spark plugs, gas tank, radiator, pistons, and a little adjust ment of her time payment plan, but j T dunno, he says, if it is a good econ omy to put the money into her. In the long run, he says. 1 mean any thing further then from her to the i depot, I believe it would be cheaper to j turn her In on a new highway horse, j "What say you run into town tomor row and we will go look at a few Well, naturally I says yes dear, how about a closed Cutie Car? 1 sec they are putting out a Air-Tight Sedan j that's guaranteed to keep the home 1 i atmosphere at all times. • And Geo. says aw go on, he says, we ought to get a open car, he says, ; all you women want is air in the tires. I’ll bet the most of you would burn Incenses in your cars, pull down the shades and turn on the dome light if you was to get your way. George Jules, I says, if you think 1 am willing to be blown to pieces with the wind eveytime I go out. you can try to think for a second time in one j day. I says. And he says, well, there is always curtains can be put on a open car, i and 1 says yes, but they generally ain't 1 until the rain commences coining in | on your side. And he says, just the same I ain't gonner ride around in any green house on wheels. And I says, if we don’t get a closed ! car, why I won't open the saving ac count, I think you are too selfish for words, it will has to be a closed car on j account of my bobbed hair and good j hats. I am merely being practical, ! and I won't give in. ** * * AND so having agreed on the type I of car we was to get. we slept on j it, and the next day I done like Geo. ■ wanted me to and come into town ! to look the showrooms over. The first place we went was to the Rambler Co., and the cars the sales rnan showed us was certainly beauties, especially one sporting-chance close coupled coupe, meaning couples couldn’t sit in it no other ways but close. Say, this is just the car for you! says the salesman. And he was right. It was finished in raspberry, had semi-dirigible tires, and a detachable , engine. This car, complete with chamois tail-light wiper, oil can and ti per cent interest on the notes, only come to $700.23 P. I). Q., delivered. Public Approval of Bright Pink Suit Follows Plunge Into Fashions for Men BY STEPHEN' LEACOCK. THIS morning I put on my pink suit for the first time, and I must say it just looked too cute for anything. I felt, of course, that it was an innova tion and a great change, but I was glad to be in it. I suppose everybody has been read ing about the new fashions for men and how over in London and in Paris all the men are wearing suits of pink and sky blue and chrome yellow. All the London and Paris papers that I have seen say that the new suits are a great success and that the idea is all the rage. But. as I say, every body knows about that and I don’t need to explain it. I only wanted to talk about my own suit. I had it made out of a pink geor gette undershot with a deep magenta and crossed with an invisible slate blue so that the material shimmers in the light with different colors, and when I walk up and down in front of h long mirror (I bought the mirror at the same time as the suit), the colors run up and down my back in ripples of moving light. The magenta color seems to suit my figure, though several of my very best friends say that personally they think they pre fer the slate. I had two or three of them over in the morning to sit in my room and watch me walk up and down in front of the glass. Os course, ordi narily at that time of day they would be at their business, but I just tele phoned over to them and told them that my new suit was such a darling that they simply must come over and see it. So they came over and we just sat around while I put on one part of the suit after another and showed it off in the long glass. They all agreed that the color was just lovely and they said they were just crazy to get a suit like mine. One said he thought that for him self the color might be a little young and that for his age he would rather have a bottle green or a peacock blue .—something a little older, but I told him that I was quite sure he could wear anything just as young as any hodv. In fact, I know a man who is past 60 who can wear pink for eve ning wear, and who looks just as young in it as anybody else would. ** * * PERHAPS I should explain, as I know a lot of my friends would like to know about it, just how I had my suit cut. The coat is made rather full at the chest and then brought in at the waist line and cut out again very full about the hips with gores and with ruffled insertions of pleated chiffon at the point where the back falls to the hips. It has a niching round the neck and is wattled around the collar with an accordion frill brought round just below the ears and then thrown back so as to show the back of the neck. Some of ray friends thought that in stead of a ruchlng they would rather have had a little frill of lace so cut to show the throat, gut I doubt - -- | ■ INSTEAD OF SOUNDING LIKE A COLLISION IN A DISHPAN FACTORY, IT NOW SOUNDED LIKE A JAZZ BAND WITH THE COLIC AND ETC.” George would of fell for It at once, he is the kind that can resist the family’s requests, but never those of a good salesman. But I seen where they also had some open models, and they was so snappy looking I kind of changed my mind when I seen them, what with the big rear view mirror they had, where a person could see not alone to powder their nose, but to comb their hob and still keep one hand on the wheel. So I says to George, I do love a real practical car like that, it’s got a special seat for the dog, too, and your mother could easy use it any time she is visiting us, and I do think the toothpick holder on the dash is just lovely. And the sales man. he seen the point, too. Say, it’s just your car, he says. But I couldn't get Geo. interested. By this time he had spotted their Yact Club, Town-touring Eight, which had a trunk onto the back of it big -enough to carry any suitcases except the kind we happened to have. Also it had a top, four wheels and what tl}e feller called a nickel radi ator cap, only it wasn't a nickel. It was seven-fifty, extra. And then as a finishing touch, this salesbird threw up the hood and showed us the engine in the nude. There, he says, is just your car! There was enough tubing in that thing for it to hang itself and the salesboy told us all the secrets of the power house in one of them of course-you-khow-what-this-ls voices they use, to give yott a chance of merely saying yes indeed, instead of accidentally calling the wrong turn on the distributer or stalling on the engine before it got a chance to stall on you. And then the salesman closed the hood reverently, and says he’d like to give us a demonstration, and Geo. ■avs, well, give me a card instead how much you allow on my old boat? And the feller says what have you? And George says a brand new 1918 flivver in perfect condition. And the feller says well, I’d have to see it before I could say positive, but I guess we could allow you 50c at least. * * * :*c AT course we had figured on a few hundred, so we merely says, well, that is perfectly satisfactory, we will ’all again, you will hear from us, and he says, any time, I’m always able “I MUST SAY I FELT A LITTLE STRANGE WHEN I WENT OUT ON THE STREET IN IT.” whether, with my throat, this would be so good. The buttons are in large size of mother-of-pearl and are carried in a bold line edgeways from the shoulder to the waist with two more buttons, larger still, l>ehlnd at the place where the back dips in above the hips. Everybody agreed that the buttons are very bold, but they thought that they would be quieter on the street than in the house. The waistcoat is cut very simply and snugly so as to show the curve of the stomach as far as possible. It has just one little pink bow at the bottom, but beyond that it is quite plain. One or two of my friends thought that it might he a little bit too severe, but most of us agreed that though it might seem severe indoors it wouldn’t be so at all out of doors,- especially on high ground. The trousers are cut very snug around the line of the hips with gored insertion at each side so as to give free play for leaping or jumping and then are flared out to the kr.ee where they are quite full and wide. They end. absolutely, only a little way be low the knee, and, of course,they need to be worn over clocked stockings or else I have to have my legs tattooed. They seem terribly short when I put them on, but everybody says that it Tllh SL.M)Ai STAR, WASHINGTON, 1), (J„ MAY 3, 1925-FAKT 0. to hear, which is the correct etiquette for “farewell forever" in that man’s business. And then we left, and George says well I don’t think much of them Ramblers, I never did, leave us go over and look at the Stationary- Duplex, that’s only $700.15 R. S. V. P. liy return mail. And I says yeh. lets, I see by the ads they are putting out. a semi open, combined business aoid trouble, or family car, with five individual brakes, one for each wheel, and one for your bank acct. It's a seven pas senger model, with plenty of room for five In It, and I heard Doctor Salary gets forty-five miles to the gallon of water out of his. And Geo. says yeh. So we went on over and give this one the double ephls. but we couldn’t afford it. on account the Stationery Co. wasn’t willing to allow over 38c on our old faithful. Besides, they wouldn't give us more than 3 yrs. on the payments, and wanted to Insure George's life in their favor before the notes was signed. So there wasn't nothing for us to say only that’s \perfectly. satisfactory, you will hear from us again just as soon as you hear from us. Then we beat it over to where the used cars held down the floor space. . I tell you. Jennie, Geo. says to me, d’you know, he says, in a whole lot of ways a good second hand car is a whole lot better than a new, cheap car. Take one now, that's been in a good family where it's been treated like a baby and only driven seven or eight hundred miles and the paint and upholstery and engine is all In per fect condition, he says, and the family are only turning it In for a newer model because they can afford to, he says, well now, that's what I'd like to pick up at around a thousand. And I says, well, if you ever do see such a car you’d better pick It up and run, I says. Inside the Asis Used Car Co. the genteel old dependents of the auto family was waiting in hopes some kind person would take ’em out the pound and give ’em a good home in a snug garage. Some models was practically new, around 1917, but, as the keeper says to Geo. while show ing him a big old boat, a Mammoth is always a Mammoth, you need never be ashamed to drive one, no matter how old they get, and how does the public know anyways but that the car belonged to your dear is the length they are wearing in Paris and in London and that some of the men are even cutting off their trousers half way between the waist coat and the knee. I must say that 1 felt a little strange in my pink suit when I went out pres ently on the street in it. One of the men asked me to lunch with him, so I went out in my suit with just a little straw hat, half size, and a bunch of violets in the lapel of my coat. I felt quite shy at first and quite dif ferent from my usual self, and I think I even blushed when some one came across to my table at lunch and told me he had never seen me look so well. ** * * T WENT over to my office in the -*• afternoon, and the very first per son who came in to do business with me said he was delighted with ray suit, and so we sat and talked about it for a long time, and he told me of an awfully good shirtmaker that he could recommend If I wanted to get some of the new shirts they are wearing. He said that over in London they are all going in for fancy shirts to match the new suits and that the colors they wear are the most daring you can imagine. He told me that a friend of his, quite an elderly man, had just got back from the other aids grandmother and that you Just can’t bear to give it up In favor of a newer model? And Geo. says yes indeed, tjiese old fellers, they got better material in them then some of the new ones. And then he ast how many miles had this one been run, and the apple sauce king took a slant at the speedometer to see, but it was broke. And it’s a funny thing, but I have always noticed where, in used cars, the speedometer always breaks the first of any part. ** * * WELL anyways, we looked at every thing he had. There was one real good buy, n hearse, on an old Fierce chassis, and, as the feller pointed out, all we would have to do was remove the body, put on a sports coupe in its place, trade in the chassis for a coupla old shoes, or what have you, and we would have a practically’ new car. Well, we didn’t buy it, for the Asis Co. would only give 25 cents for our old bus and wanted to take it on consignment, at that. So we told the chief there that he would hear from us, we would call again. Then we got out, and Geo. says, well. I never did think much about second hand cars anyways, they may look good, but a person never knows, he says, I wouldn't take one on a gift. Well then what are you gonner do? I says. And Geo. says, I tell you what. I am gonner fix up our old lizzie, he says, all I need Is a few parts such as practically everything under the hood, a differential, bearings, a trans mission, head lights and a little of my time, that car ain’t so bad, the fenders and the rear wheels is prac tically as good as new, he says, or will be with the coat of Youpainter varnish I will put on. And It won’t cost me practically nothing, on account I will get all my stuff from Joe Bush. Well, I couldn’t stop Geo. from do ing this, so I went along to the Five & Ten while Geo. bought the parts for his car. Joe Bush hustled around helping him pick out the stuff until Geo. had pretty near a van load, but no one thing cost over a dime. I say, says Joe at last, while you are in here why don’t you get a full set of new’ tools for your bus as well? And Geo. seen where that was a good idea, so he got a button hook, a box of hairpins, a corkscrew, a tube of glue and other necessities, and we took ’em along home and put them wearing a canary-colored shirt with pussy willow tassels round his neck and that it was really quite becoming. Other people came into my office later in the day and we did nothing but talk about the new styles and how delicious it is going to be for men to dress In all the colors they like to wear. On my way home in the street car, which was rather crowded, a man got up and gave me his seat, and, of course, X thanked him with a smile that showed all my teeth, but I didn’t speak to him because I wasn’t sure whether I ought to speak to strangers, in my pink suit. Well, when I got home I first stood and looked at myself in the long glass for quite a while. And then—l don’t know just why—l went and took off my new pink costume and put on. the old gray suit that I had worn the day before. It was made, as far as I re member, about two and a half, or else four and a half, years ago. It has no ruchlng, crocheting, or insertions in it, and it isn’t flared or gored or pleated, and it doesn’t sweep boldly round the hips or the neck or anywhere. It has a bulge here and there where I have sat on it or knelt in it or hung it up on the electric light. The pockets of it stick out a good deal from hating been filled up with pipes and tins of tobacco and fishing tackle. There is more or less ink on it, but nothing that really in jures it for use. Which suit did I wear the next day? (Copyright, 1025.) Dirigible for Polar Flight. pRIDTJOF NANSEN, the famous Arctic explorer, is returning to the North Pole country after nearly 30 years spent in other work. He has announced that he is to head a Ger man expedition which will make a long flight across the polar regions in a specially constructed dirigible of 5.000,000 cubic feet capacity, or some thing like twice the size of the Los Angeles. A crew of 50 men will be carried and the flight from the Mur mansk coast, north of the White Sea, to Alaska and back is expected to oc cupy four weeks. The principal ob jectives of the voyage will be scien tific. Photographs to become bases for maps of the Arctic regions will be taken, soundings made in the ocean and other data assembled. It is hoped that the expedition will be able to start in 1927. A Queer Railroad. AXE of the world’s oddest narrow gauge railways is owned by the Duke of Devonshire at Eaton, Eng land. It was built in 1894 for the purpose of transporting supplies to Eaton Hall from a station 4 miles away. Now it is used as a passenger line to transport the duke’s guests about the estate. The gauge of the railway ia only 15 Inches. ————— I How to Become Beautiful Japanese Schoolboy and Cousin Nogi Discover Stirring Incidents in the Practice of Having the Face Overhauled and New Features Provided. BY WALLACE IK WIN. To Editor The Star who keep his face in his desk to bring out aceasionally & scare reporters Dearest sir:—Yestdy p.m. my Cousin Nogi were read ing a Sunday Sapplemint what came 2 weeks of yore. Os suddenly he look uply & report, “Togo.” he snagger. “here are one (1) page adv. for Two Spot Beauty Cream with very sweethearted por trait of Mrs Vestibule Van Astorbilt, in central middle of page’.” I look. So it were! “This portrait.” dictate Nogi. "with fashionable printing all round it are such a Socity Leader that when she holla Come On all Socity get up from lunching and jump right after her. It say that she have been received like a queen in all the Courthouses or Europe, that she have been dec orated by the Grand Dutchess Oyrene and met all the nobility in & out of the movies. “Attatched & fastened to this are a letter from Mrs Vestibule Van Astor bilt herself to tell all America how she get that way. 'Each morning before brekfast,' she say so, ‘I use 2 jugs Two Spot Beauty Cream, and look at me now. Kings, Zars, Grand Dukes & headwaiters stop me on the street & holla, “Ah, Mrs Van Astorbilt, where did you get the skin you love to touch?” “Two Spot Beauty Cream make me so that I can be received annywheres without prirnples, warts, bunyons or many of those horrud blembishes what makes so manny of our younger Set so dllflcult to look at. Why connot other poeple be beautiful like me? I will tell you my secret. Buy Two Spot Beauty Cream, price $2, which cost less than gin and last muchly longer.” ’ ” I look at portrait of that lady on page. “Nogi,” I say so, "her nose are ar ranged in middle of her face and her eyes are longside of it at ezackly where Venus wore them. Also she got a mouth in very good tasty with the rest of her feechus. Sippose she got a nose kind of sideways like a wicked turnip while only one (1) eye was there while her mouth fit too tight. Tou sippose Two Spot Beauty Cream could fix them up so they would look pleasant to Hon. Harrison Fisher?” away in the garaige. And the next Sunday he commenced work on the car. If that flivver of ours bad been one of Junior's ChristmaA toys. Geo. couldn't of stuck to making it work any more seriously then he did. And in a coupla weeks he had her going strong and drove her around in the front for me to see. Come on, Jennie, he says, hop in and leave us drive over to the Joe Bushes. They are out to their cot tage near the Hawthorne Club now. and it's a real nice day for a ride in the country. I wanner go show Joe the big success I have made out of the job. Well, naturally. I done like he ast, and Hot Bozo, the car run fine, al though a person couldn’t truthfully say It was more quieter. The main difference was that instead of sound ing like a collision in a dishpan fac tory, it now sounded like a jazz band with the colic and etc. Say Geo., I says during the drive, did you figure up how much it cost you for them 10-cent parts to do this with? And he says yeh, not much, only $700.75 counting my time. When we had got out to the Haw thorne Club, what would we see but that Joe Bush coming down the steps of his cottage. Hello, Geo., he says, I was just starting for your place, he says, I was worried over them parts I sold you for the filiwer, how does she run? Oh fine, says George, she sounds sweeter than ever. And Joe Bush give a big sigh of relief. Thank heavens! he says, on ac count after you was gone out the store I seen where what I had sold vou was radio parts! (Copyright. 1023.) The Man of Brains, Who Can Do Anything, Helps Many Patrons to Avoid Distress BY RING LARDNER. TO the editor: A glance at the help wanted columns of our big dailies will convince any body that they’s plenty of queer professions and out-of the-way jobs in this world. Once in a wile the attention of the public is at tracted to same by a special article about a man that don't do nothing day in and day out but stand up and let people shoot at him to test whether his, bulletproof vest is really bullet proof or not. A article of this kind generally al ways makes interesting reading and for that reason I will say a few wds. today in regards to a man named Tobin who you don’t need to read this if you have heard of him before, but if not why he may be just the man that you or your friends has been looking for to help them out of their dilemma. Mr. Tobin's slogan is “whatever you want, tell or telegraph Tobin.” Mr. Tobin “specializes in human service.” They ain’t nothing you cat) ask him to do but what he wont at lease try and do it and so far as we been able to learn his batting average is pretty fiics. OORfIW-# |.i>r “IF NO GROOM HAPPENS TO SHOW UP, TELL TOBIN, MAY BE HE’LL COME HIMSELF.” close to 1,000. A few samples of com missions he has carried out recently will convince the reader that he ain’t easy to baffle. 1. They was a business man living in a good size town that wanted 5,000 brand new U. S. pennies to use in a advertising campaign. The banks in his town couldn’t supply him so he telegraphed Tobin and the next A.M. he had the pennies. 2. They was a U. S. army officer that got married in Europe during the war, but his wife didn’t come back with him. He was now stationed at a western post in the U. S. and sent for her to cross the old pond and join him. At the last minute, wile she was on the way acrost, he found out he “NOGI,” I SAY, “HER NOSE ARE ARRANGED IN’ THE MIDDLE OF HER FACE.” “I are disabled to reply,” depose Nogi. "Because I tell you this.” I romp with elegant wisedom, V every kind of sav, soap, ointment & drug-store putty cannot put yr face on straight when it grow on crooked. It are the girl behind the complexion that do the work.” ** * * "CHUX & shells!* expunge Nogi. "What are a face nowadays? Merely something fix up & down until it are something different. Sippose you do not like the front yard of your head. Sippose yr nose take up so much landscape that it get in the way of yr hansom eyes. What you do about that? Simply go to Beauty Doctor, get that face over hauled & extra parts." "Oh goody!" I holla. “Then I shall exchange my feechus for something nice! What famus acter shall I look like?” “Trouble with Beauty Doctors,” say Nogi, “are that they are like all other pvsiclans. They never will argree. Sippose you go to Beauty Hospital and say to Gen. Staff, ‘I require to have my face lifted, my eyebrows lowered, my ears stuck in, my nose stuck out. my forehead relined & valves ground,’ then they will make sscientiflek smiles and Step This Way expression. So farly so goodly. But what next?” “You are making the speech,” I resum. “All o.k. then,” dictate Nogi. "Nextly I know they have led me to the Amputating Room \yhere walls are all covered with photos and there are a sideboard & table on which persons get carved. ‘Simply lay & do nothing,’ they rejofntw hiie 6 cross red nurses stretch me. Nextly I know they put a megaphone in my mouth & pour in something that smell like the perfummery that ar rives with illegal gin. My thoughts get all unoccupied. I sleep.” Nogi stop so I can get time to be sipprised. “What happen, if anything?” I ask to know. "Pretty much, by golly, happen to me while I are not there to prevent it. 2 or 3 prominent surgeries un screw my face & lay it on sideboard. ‘Now we got him here, Doctor,’ say No. 1 to No. 2, ‘we should make him | D'CK* / 5- 3* l 5" “THEY WAS A COUPLE SETTING IN' BACK THAT KEPT TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER IT WAS THE LAST TIME THEY HEARD IT. ’ couldn’t get leave to go to N. Y. and meet her. So he telegraphed Tobin and Tobin met her and put hef’ on the right train west. 3. They was a big business concern holding a convention in N. Y. and the president of it decided all of a sudden to give a New Years party for the other officials and their wifes, but they was one young vice president from out of town that didn’t have no wife or a female acquaintance of any kind in N.Y. He telephoned Tobin and in a few minutes he was on his way to the party with a dame that made the rest of them look like general house work. 4. They was a lady down south that was crazy about a certain perfume which she had got a whiff of it some wheres, but she couldn't remember the name of it. She described to her husband what it smelled like and he looked for it in pretty near every per fume joint In the country, but with out no luck. B* «u about to give up when he h—*i es Tobin and told him beautiful as pussible. This are very sad case. This face look like a 1905 model what never had a mother or father. Would it not be cheaper to buy him a new face than to munky with this one? ‘Pussibly,’ dictate No. 2. ’but what are most beautiful kind for him?’ ’One like Jack Barry moore,’ snuggest No. 3. ‘I cannot stand Jno. Barrymore since he stop cutting his hair,’ decry No. 2. ’I should think he would look nicer with a hard, fresh face like Hon. Jo Shilkraut.' ‘Neva, nava, neva! shouoh No. 1. ’a face like Pres. Coolidge who hide his firmness with his chin would be quite stylish.’ ‘Ratz & katz.’ they all holla in unicorn while the nurses gets mad too & commence throwing suggical tools ...” “Coshes!” I say so. “In meantimes what you doing all that time?” “Sleeping.” narrate Nogi. “And while my great brain are absent those Doctors can do what please. Maybe I will awake up without qnny nose.” “It would serves you right,” I re port. “I always said you got the kind of beauty what should be sent to Home for Uncurabies.” ** * * GVV7IIEN.I were born,” dib Nogi, “my mother say I were the very portrait of you.” “That may be so & so,” I ague. “Vet it must be true that cansider able can be did to cure homliness. Look at girls sourounding you! They got their eyebrows skinned, their chins tucked up & new mouths paint ed on. They are so covered with paints, oils & varnishes that it are umpossible to tell whether they are , pretty or not. “And look at street cars when rid ing in them,” I peruse. “See all those i advtemts what you got to read to keep from looking at homely people on seats opp. What do those Kar Kards advtse? Following: “ ‘Trv Our Treatment & Get Lovelv. ’“We Will Take Those Blue Rings Off Yr Nose. ” ‘Electric Chair Makes Lively Girls. I “ 'Pimples! Pimples! I Cure Them in 6 Lessons. “ ‘Lady Mulligan’s Lipsticks. The Kiss that Wont Come Off. “ ‘Ladies Why Be Bald? Go to Venus College. “ ‘Get a New Nose. Permanent. Durable. Goran teed for 6 Mos.’ his problem. Tobin was soon on the scent and the wife got the perfume. Now I ain’t nobody’s press agent outside of my own family, but it seems to me like it would be nothing short of criminal to keep Tobin a se cret. Personly they’s been many a occasion when I could of used him to advantage and I have no doubt the big majority of ray friends often finds themselfs in the same kind of jams. Like for example I was standing on the corner of 41st st. and 7th ave. one day and I had about 12 minutes to catch a traip at the Pennsylvania station. My dogs was fretting me so bad that I didn't want to walk, but the subway would get me there too soon and I didn't feel like risking my life and climb in a taxi. A 7th ave. surface car would of suited me fine, but I couldn’t coax none of them to stop and leave me get aboard. Finely I give it tip and took a taxi, but it was then too late to catch the train. Had I of knew about Tobin how sim ple it would of been to commission “All this etc etc evervwheres. What it show? It shows that Amer ica will soonly have a race of Venusea. You can buy beauty in cans, same as soup & brass polish.” “All such flivolity are alright for girls," renig Xogl from gloom. “But j what benefat will it be for boys?” “Sir Jno Dempsey arc a boy, are not? I say so. 211 crippled prize sisters say so also. Nobody, not ever ex-Firpo ever sispeeted him of being a girl. Yet what happen to Sir Jno? One day he look into mirror which he smoggie into traning qrs on sly. 'Oil’ he say so, ‘I seem to look like some body axidently hit me in days of by gone. What are that Objec-k wob bling in bunches almost ezacklv be tween my ealla-flower ears? Are it a nose? Or are it merely a collision? By gracious, I shall go to a Doctor L ask to know.' “Therefore he elope to Face Hos i pital & look over Katalog at page ! marked List of Noses. He picks out ! one entitled Apollo Jr Quick Sniffing j Easy Smeller Price 100000$ This he j got put on and nearly next day he I was married & live happy ever after • wards.” * “Will not wearing such axpensive j end on his face make this Sir Jno , timbid & afraid?” require Cousin Nogi. “Quite contrary," I report. “Sir Jno j value that pretty sniffer so high that he are prepared to nearly kill anny , prizeffster who attemp to knock it off." “I are unsure about morality of those Beauty Decorations," Nogi ar ray. “Putting pink powder on i peaches are not very Pure Food Law j In some horribly reformed States they j have passed Law which makes it ille -1 gal for girls, ladies & women to use kosmetics, • paint, powder or anny other form of lipstick.” "Which States are Those?” I ask to know. “Same ones what has passed law to prove Darwin were wrong," confab him. “So. well!” I belabor. "If kosmit icks, paints, powder & lipstick are re fused to ladies of those States it will become deliciously easy to prove that Darwin was right.” Hoping you are the same Yours trulv, HASHIMURA TOGO. (Copyright. 10”5.) nim to come over and stop one of their surface cars. Another time I was setting: in the Metropolitan opera house trying- to listen to a performance of Lohengrin and they was a couple setting in back of me that kept talking out loud all the wile about how much better it was the last time they heard it and I didn't have the nerve to ask them to shut their mouth and just had to set there and he mad at them. If I had communicated with Tobin how simple for him to of dropped in on them like it was by accident and pretended their house was on lire and they must hurry right home. What a blessing it would of been on different occasions for Joie Ray and Willie Ritola and etc. If they could of got a hold of Tobin and had him stop Nurmi in the middle of a race and ask him how was everybody back in Helsingfors. Apd what a boon to Tiger Flowers to have Tobin on hand to keep tickling Delaney or annoying him some way another so as he would forget what he had came for. I don't suppose they's a one of us but what can recall the time- when Tobin would of bet n a godsend and a specially the ladies. How silly, girlies, for you to endure the painful embarrassments of wall ilowerdom when a phone call to Tobin will bring you a partner before the first encore is over. And when you feel like it was time you was getting married, go ahead and make your plans and if no groom happens to show up, tell Tobin. Maybe he’ll come himself. Duplicates Without Carbon. RITING multiple copies without the use of carbon paper has been made possible by a recent invention perfected by MaxE. Melton, an employe of the Post Office Depart ment. according to Popular Science. His device is attached to a standard typewriter. It consists of paper rolls ingeniously urranged so that as the paper is fed to the typewriter platen the sheets are automatically inter leaved with duplicating ribbon. The invention, it is reported, is ex pected to save the Government thousands of dollars a year. The In ventor has received a cash reward for his efforts. Invented in a Dream. A “DREAM invention,’’ making pos sible moving picture shows in broad daylight, is claimed by a young bookbinder in Budapest, according to s. dispatch from that city. The inventor projects pictures not against a white screen, but against a rapidly rotating disk covered with strips of dark green and dark blue paper, which radiates from the center. The dispatch says the invention has been proved a complete success bv experiments and is already patented. The inventor says the idea came to him in a dream and he is unable to explain It.