Evening star. [volume], May 03, 1925, Image 81

About Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972

Image provided by: Library of Congress, Washington, DC

                
George Fixes the Old Car
Main Distinction in New Contraption Is That Instead of Sounding Like Collision in a Dish
pan Factory It Resembles Jazz Band With Colic.
BI NINA WILCOX PUTNAM.
AS Joan of Arc, the originator of
the Girl Scout movement,
often used to say, “A dollar
saved Is a good reason for
spending five, in most fam
ilies.”
And this wise crack come into my
lidnd the other night when that Joe
iJßiisli of the Hawthorne Club turned
inp at our house and he and George,
“that's my husband, got to talking
over the price of things.
. It seems where Joe Bush had just
got a job as manager of our local
Pice & Ten Cent store, and now all
he could talk was about the goods
tljey carried and how a person could
eat. dress und be merry without ever
’■ntering no other store then his.
George stood this as long as could
he expected from any friend, and then
lie says, well, that's great Joe, I guess
E will buy my new car offen you
what kind you got down there.
Well, Hot Bozo, Joe at once says,
no kidding, I wouldn't be surprised
if T could scrape up one for you. I am
sure I could get you parts of it any
ways.
And Geo. says for the luwa Lucy,
Joe, you look oet, I may make you
prove It, my car ain't been going so
good lately and I got to do some
thing pretty soon.
And Joe. he laughed that one off.
and went home, and the minute he
had went 1 pinned Geo. down and
sewed him up before his memory could
fail him about that new car ho had
v mentioned.
Hey Geo. I says, I certainly am
glad we are gonner get a new car,
1 says, on account it hurts my more
humane feelings to drive our flivver
nowadays, it seems to suffer so.
Well, says Geo., of course we could
fix her up. All she needs is a new
carburetor, spark plugs, gas tank,
radiator, pistons, and a little adjust
ment of her time payment plan, but j
T dunno, he says, if it is a good econ
omy to put the money into her. In
the long run, he says. 1 mean any
thing further then from her to the i
depot, I believe it would be cheaper to j
turn her In on a new highway horse, j
"What say you run into town tomor
row and we will go look at a few
Well, naturally I says yes dear,
how about a closed Cutie Car? 1 sec
they are putting out a Air-Tight Sedan j
that's guaranteed to keep the home 1
i atmosphere at all times.
• And Geo. says aw go on, he says,
we ought to get a open car, he says, ;
all you women want is air in the
tires. I’ll bet the most of you would
burn Incenses in your cars, pull down
the shades and turn on the dome
light if you was to get your way.
George Jules, I says, if you think
1 am willing to be blown to pieces with
the wind eveytime I go out. you can
try to think for a second time in one j
day. I says.
And he says, well, there is always
curtains can be put on a open car, i
and 1 says yes, but they generally ain't 1
until the rain commences coining in |
on your side.
And he says, just the same I ain't
gonner ride around in any green
house on wheels.
And I says, if we don’t get a closed !
car, why I won't open the saving ac
count, I think you are too selfish for
words, it will has to be a closed car on j
account of my bobbed hair and good j
hats. I am merely being practical, !
and I won't give in.
** * *
AND so having agreed on the type I
of car we was to get. we slept on j
it, and the next day I done like Geo. ■
wanted me to and come into town !
to look the showrooms over.
The first place we went was to the
Rambler Co., and the cars the sales
rnan showed us was certainly beauties,
especially one sporting-chance close
coupled coupe, meaning couples
couldn’t sit in it no other ways but
close.
Say, this is just the car for you!
says the salesman. And he was right.
It was finished in raspberry, had
semi-dirigible tires, and a detachable
, engine. This car, complete with
chamois tail-light wiper, oil can and
ti per cent interest on the notes, only
come to $700.23 P. I). Q., delivered.
Public Approval of Bright Pink Suit
Follows Plunge Into Fashions for Men
BY STEPHEN' LEACOCK.
THIS morning I put on my pink
suit for the first time, and I
must say it just looked too
cute for anything. I felt, of
course, that it was an innova
tion and a great change, but I was
glad to be in it.
I suppose everybody has been read
ing about the new fashions for men
and how over in London and in Paris
all the men are wearing suits of pink
and sky blue and chrome yellow.
All the London and Paris papers that
I have seen say that the new suits
are a great success and that the idea
is all the rage. But. as I say, every
body knows about that and I don’t
need to explain it. I only wanted to
talk about my own suit.
I had it made out of a pink geor
gette undershot with a deep magenta
and crossed with an invisible slate
blue so that the material shimmers in
the light with different colors, and
when I walk up and down in front of
h long mirror (I bought the mirror
at the same time as the suit), the
colors run up and down my back in
ripples of moving light. The magenta
color seems to suit my figure, though
several of my very best friends say
that personally they think they pre
fer the slate.
I had two or three of them over
in the morning to sit in my room
and watch me walk up and down in
front of the glass. Os course, ordi
narily at that time of day they would
be at their business, but I just tele
phoned over to them and told them
that my new suit was such a darling
that they simply must come over and
see it. So they came over and we
just sat around while I put on one
part of the suit after another and
showed it off in the long glass.
They all agreed that the color was
just lovely and they said they were
just crazy to get a suit like mine.
One said he thought that for him
self the color might be a little young
and that for his age he would rather
have a bottle green or a peacock blue
.—something a little older, but I told
him that I was quite sure he could
wear anything just as young as any
hodv. In fact, I know a man who is
past 60 who can wear pink for eve
ning wear, and who looks just as
young in it as anybody else would.
** * *
PERHAPS I should explain, as I
know a lot of my friends would
like to know about it, just how I had
my suit cut. The coat is made rather
full at the chest and then brought
in at the waist line and cut out again
very full about the hips with gores
and with ruffled insertions of pleated
chiffon at the point where the back
falls to the hips.
It has a niching round the neck
and is wattled around the collar with
an accordion frill brought round just
below the ears and then thrown back
so as to show the back of the neck.
Some of ray friends thought that in
stead of a ruchlng they would rather
have had a little frill of lace so cut
to show the throat, gut I doubt
- --
| ■
INSTEAD OF SOUNDING LIKE A COLLISION IN A DISHPAN FACTORY, IT NOW SOUNDED LIKE
A JAZZ BAND WITH THE COLIC AND ETC.”
George would of fell for It at once,
he is the kind that can resist the
family’s requests, but never those of
a good salesman.
But I seen where they also had
some open models, and they was so
snappy looking I kind of changed my
mind when I seen them, what with
the big rear view mirror they had,
where a person could see not alone
to powder their nose, but to comb
their hob and still keep one hand on
the wheel.
So I says to George, I do love a
real practical car like that, it’s got
a special seat for the dog, too, and
your mother could easy use it any
time she is visiting us, and I do
think the toothpick holder on the
dash is just lovely. And the sales
man. he seen the point, too. Say,
it’s just your car, he says.
But I couldn't get Geo. interested.
By this time he had spotted their
Yact Club, Town-touring Eight,
which had a trunk onto the back of
it big -enough to carry any suitcases
except the kind we happened to have.
Also it had a top, four wheels and
what tl}e feller called a nickel radi
ator cap, only it wasn't a nickel. It
was seven-fifty, extra.
And then as a finishing touch, this
salesbird threw up the hood and
showed us the engine in the nude.
There, he says, is just your car!
There was enough tubing in that
thing for it to hang itself and the
salesboy told us all the secrets of
the power house in one of them of
course-you-khow-what-this-ls voices
they use, to give yott a chance of
merely saying yes indeed, instead
of accidentally calling the wrong
turn on the distributer or stalling
on the engine before it got a chance
to stall on you.
And then the salesman closed the
hood reverently, and says he’d like
to give us a demonstration, and Geo.
■avs, well, give me a card instead
how much you allow on my
old boat?
And the feller says what have you?
And George says a brand new 1918
flivver in perfect condition. And the
feller says well, I’d have to see it
before I could say positive, but I
guess we could allow you 50c at least.
* * * :*c
AT course we had figured on a few
hundred, so we merely says, well,
that is perfectly satisfactory, we will
’all again, you will hear from us, and
he says, any time, I’m always able
“I MUST SAY I FELT A LITTLE STRANGE WHEN I WENT OUT ON
THE STREET IN IT.”
whether, with my throat, this would
be so good.
The buttons are in large size of
mother-of-pearl and are carried in a
bold line edgeways from the shoulder
to the waist with two more buttons,
larger still, l>ehlnd at the place where
the back dips in above the hips.
Everybody agreed that the buttons
are very bold, but they thought that
they would be quieter on the street
than in the house.
The waistcoat is cut very simply
and snugly so as to show the curve of
the stomach as far as possible. It
has just one little pink bow at the
bottom, but beyond that it is quite
plain. One or two of my friends
thought that it might he a little bit
too severe, but most of us agreed that
though it might seem severe indoors
it wouldn’t be so at all out of doors,-
especially on high ground.
The trousers are cut very snug
around the line of the hips with gored
insertion at each side so as to give
free play for leaping or jumping and
then are flared out to the kr.ee where
they are quite full and wide. They
end. absolutely, only a little way be
low the knee, and, of course,they need
to be worn over clocked stockings or
else I have to have my legs tattooed.
They seem terribly short when I put
them on, but everybody says that it
Tllh SL.M)Ai STAR, WASHINGTON, 1), (J„ MAY 3, 1925-FAKT 0.
to hear, which is the correct etiquette
for “farewell forever" in that man’s
business.
And then we left, and George says
well I don’t think much of them
Ramblers, I never did, leave us go
over and look at the Stationary-
Duplex, that’s only $700.15 R. S. V. P.
liy return mail.
And I says yeh. lets, I see by the
ads they are putting out. a semi
open, combined business aoid trouble,
or family car, with five individual
brakes, one for each wheel, and one
for your bank acct. It's a seven pas
senger model, with plenty of room for
five In It, and I heard Doctor Salary
gets forty-five miles to the gallon of
water out of his. And Geo. says yeh.
So we went on over and give this
one the double ephls. but we couldn’t
afford it. on account the Stationery
Co. wasn’t willing to allow over 38c
on our old faithful. Besides, they
wouldn't give us more than 3 yrs. on
the payments, and wanted to Insure
George's life in their favor before
the notes was signed.
So there wasn't nothing for us to
say only that’s \perfectly. satisfactory,
you will hear from us again just as
soon as you hear from us. Then we
beat it over to where the used cars
held down the floor space.
. I tell you. Jennie, Geo. says to me,
d’you know, he says, in a whole lot
of ways a good second hand car is
a whole lot better than a new, cheap
car.
Take one now, that's been in a
good family where it's been treated
like a baby and only driven seven or
eight hundred miles and the paint and
upholstery and engine is all In per
fect condition, he says, and the family
are only turning it In for a newer
model because they can afford to, he
says, well now, that's what I'd like to
pick up at around a thousand. And
I says, well, if you ever do see such
a car you’d better pick It up and run,
I says.
Inside the Asis Used Car Co. the
genteel old dependents of the auto
family was waiting in hopes some
kind person would take ’em out the
pound and give ’em a good home in a
snug garage. Some models was
practically new, around 1917, but, as
the keeper says to Geo. while show
ing him a big old boat, a Mammoth
is always a Mammoth, you need
never be ashamed to drive one, no
matter how old they get, and how
does the public know anyways but
that the car belonged to your dear
is the length they are wearing in
Paris and in London and that some
of the men are even cutting off their
trousers half way between the waist
coat and the knee.
I must say that 1 felt a little strange
in my pink suit when I went out pres
ently on the street in it. One of the
men asked me to lunch with him, so
I went out in my suit with just a
little straw hat, half size, and a bunch
of violets in the lapel of my coat. I
felt quite shy at first and quite dif
ferent from my usual self, and I
think I even blushed when some one
came across to my table at lunch and
told me he had never seen me look so
well.
** * *
T WENT over to my office in the
-*• afternoon, and the very first per
son who came in to do business with
me said he was delighted with ray
suit, and so we sat and talked about it
for a long time, and he told me of an
awfully good shirtmaker that he could
recommend If I wanted to get some
of the new shirts they are wearing.
He said that over in London they are
all going in for fancy shirts to match
the new suits and that the colors
they wear are the most daring you
can imagine. He told me that a
friend of his, quite an elderly man,
had just got back from the other aids
grandmother and that you Just can’t
bear to give it up In favor of a newer
model?
And Geo. says yes indeed, tjiese old
fellers, they got better material in
them then some of the new ones. And
then he ast how many miles had this
one been run, and the apple sauce
king took a slant at the speedometer
to see, but it was broke. And it’s a
funny thing, but I have always noticed
where, in used cars, the speedometer
always breaks the first of any part.
** * *
WELL anyways, we looked at every
thing he had. There was one real
good buy, n hearse, on an old Fierce
chassis, and, as the feller pointed out,
all we would have to do was remove
the body, put on a sports coupe in its
place, trade in the chassis for a coupla
old shoes, or what have you, and we
would have a practically’ new car.
Well, we didn’t buy it, for the Asis
Co. would only give 25 cents for
our old bus and wanted to take it on
consignment, at that. So we told the
chief there that he would hear from
us, we would call again.
Then we got out, and Geo. says,
well. I never did think much about
second hand cars anyways, they may
look good, but a person never knows,
he says, I wouldn't take one on a gift.
Well then what are you gonner do?
I says.
And Geo. says, I tell you what. I
am gonner fix up our old lizzie, he
says, all I need Is a few parts such
as practically everything under the
hood, a differential, bearings, a trans
mission, head lights and a little of
my time, that car ain’t so bad, the
fenders and the rear wheels is prac
tically as good as new, he says, or
will be with the coat of Youpainter
varnish I will put on. And It won’t cost
me practically nothing, on account I
will get all my stuff from Joe Bush.
Well, I couldn’t stop Geo. from do
ing this, so I went along to the Five
& Ten while Geo. bought the parts for
his car. Joe Bush hustled around
helping him pick out the stuff until
Geo. had pretty near a van load, but
no one thing cost over a dime.
I say, says Joe at last, while you
are in here why don’t you get a full
set of new’ tools for your bus as well?
And Geo. seen where that was a good
idea, so he got a button hook, a box
of hairpins, a corkscrew, a tube of
glue and other necessities, and we
took ’em along home and put them
wearing a canary-colored shirt with
pussy willow tassels round his neck
and that it was really quite becoming.
Other people came into my office
later in the day and we did nothing
but talk about the new styles and how
delicious it is going to be for men to
dress In all the colors they like to
wear.
On my way home in the street car,
which was rather crowded, a man got
up and gave me his seat, and, of
course, X thanked him with a smile
that showed all my teeth, but I didn’t
speak to him because I wasn’t sure
whether I ought to speak to strangers,
in my pink suit.
Well, when I got home I first stood
and looked at myself in the long glass
for quite a while. And then—l don’t
know just why—l went and took off
my new pink costume and put on. the
old gray suit that I had worn the day
before. It was made, as far as I re
member, about two and a half, or else
four and a half, years ago.
It has no ruchlng, crocheting, or
insertions in it, and it isn’t flared or
gored or pleated, and it doesn’t sweep
boldly round the hips or the neck or
anywhere. It has a bulge here and
there where I have sat on it or knelt
in it or hung it up on the electric
light. The pockets of it stick out a
good deal from hating been filled up
with pipes and tins of tobacco and
fishing tackle. There is more or less
ink on it, but nothing that really in
jures it for use.
Which suit did I wear the next day?
(Copyright, 1025.)
Dirigible for Polar Flight.
pRIDTJOF NANSEN, the famous
Arctic explorer, is returning to the
North Pole country after nearly 30
years spent in other work. He has
announced that he is to head a Ger
man expedition which will make a
long flight across the polar regions in
a specially constructed dirigible of
5.000,000 cubic feet capacity, or some
thing like twice the size of the Los
Angeles. A crew of 50 men will be
carried and the flight from the Mur
mansk coast, north of the White Sea,
to Alaska and back is expected to oc
cupy four weeks. The principal ob
jectives of the voyage will be scien
tific. Photographs to become bases
for maps of the Arctic regions will
be taken, soundings made in the ocean
and other data assembled. It is hoped
that the expedition will be able to
start in 1927.
A Queer Railroad.
AXE of the world’s oddest narrow
gauge railways is owned by the
Duke of Devonshire at Eaton, Eng
land. It was built in 1894 for the
purpose of transporting supplies to
Eaton Hall from a station 4 miles
away. Now it is used as a passenger
line to transport the duke’s guests
about the estate. The gauge of the
railway ia only 15 Inches.
————— I
How to Become Beautiful
Japanese Schoolboy and Cousin Nogi Discover Stirring Incidents in the Practice of Having
the Face Overhauled and New Features Provided.
BY WALLACE IK WIN.
To Editor The Star who keep his face
in his desk to bring out aceasionally
& scare reporters
Dearest sir:—Yestdy p.m.
my Cousin Nogi were read
ing a Sunday Sapplemint
what came 2 weeks of yore.
Os suddenly he look uply &
report,
“Togo.” he snagger. “here are one
(1) page adv. for Two Spot Beauty
Cream with very sweethearted por
trait of Mrs Vestibule Van Astorbilt,
in central middle of page’.”
I look. So it were!
“This portrait.” dictate Nogi. "with
fashionable printing all round it are
such a Socity Leader that when she
holla Come On all Socity get up from
lunching and jump right after her.
It say that she have been received
like a queen in all the Courthouses
or Europe, that she have been dec
orated by the Grand Dutchess Oyrene
and met all the nobility in & out of
the movies.
“Attatched & fastened to this are a
letter from Mrs Vestibule Van Astor
bilt herself to tell all America how she
get that way. 'Each morning before
brekfast,' she say so, ‘I use 2 jugs
Two Spot Beauty Cream, and look at
me now. Kings, Zars, Grand Dukes
& headwaiters stop me on the street
& holla, “Ah, Mrs Van Astorbilt,
where did you get the skin you love
to touch?” “Two Spot Beauty Cream
make me so that I can be received
annywheres without prirnples, warts,
bunyons or many of those horrud
blembishes what makes so manny of
our younger Set so dllflcult to look at.
Why connot other poeple be beautiful
like me? I will tell you my secret.
Buy Two Spot Beauty Cream, price
$2, which cost less than gin and last
muchly longer.” ’ ”
I look at portrait of that lady on
page.
“Nogi,” I say so, "her nose are ar
ranged in middle of her face and her
eyes are longside of it at ezackly
where Venus wore them. Also she
got a mouth in very good tasty with
the rest of her feechus. Sippose she
got a nose kind of sideways like a
wicked turnip while only one (1) eye
was there while her mouth fit too
tight. Tou sippose Two Spot Beauty
Cream could fix them up so they
would look pleasant to Hon. Harrison
Fisher?”
away in the garaige. And the next
Sunday he commenced work on the
car.
If that flivver of ours bad been one
of Junior's ChristmaA toys. Geo.
couldn't of stuck to making it work
any more seriously then he did. And
in a coupla weeks he had her going
strong and drove her around in the
front for me to see.
Come on, Jennie, he says, hop in
and leave us drive over to the Joe
Bushes. They are out to their cot
tage near the Hawthorne Club now.
and it's a real nice day for a ride in
the country. I wanner go show Joe
the big success I have made out of
the job.
Well, naturally. I done like he ast,
and Hot Bozo, the car run fine, al
though a person couldn’t truthfully
say It was more quieter. The main
difference was that instead of sound
ing like a collision in a dishpan fac
tory, it now sounded like a jazz band
with the colic and etc.
Say Geo., I says during the drive,
did you figure up how much it cost
you for them 10-cent parts to do this
with? And he says yeh, not much,
only $700.75 counting my time.
When we had got out to the Haw
thorne Club, what would we see but
that Joe Bush coming down the steps
of his cottage.
Hello, Geo., he says, I was just
starting for your place, he says, I
was worried over them parts I sold
you for the filiwer, how does she run?
Oh fine, says George, she sounds
sweeter than ever. And Joe Bush
give a big sigh of relief.
Thank heavens! he says, on ac
count after you was gone out the
store I seen where what I had sold
vou was radio parts!
(Copyright. 1023.)
The Man of Brains, Who Can Do Anything,
Helps Many Patrons to Avoid Distress
BY RING LARDNER.
TO the editor: A glance at the
help wanted columns of our
big dailies will convince any
body that they’s plenty of
queer professions and out-of
the-way jobs in this world. Once in a
wile the attention of the public is at
tracted to same by a special article
about a man that don't do nothing day
in and day out but stand up and let
people shoot at him to test whether
his, bulletproof vest is really bullet
proof or not.
A article of this kind generally al
ways makes interesting reading and
for that reason I will say a few wds.
today in regards to a man named
Tobin who you don’t need to read this
if you have heard of him before, but
if not why he may be just the man
that you or your friends has been
looking for to help them out of their
dilemma.
Mr. Tobin's slogan is “whatever you
want, tell or telegraph Tobin.” Mr.
Tobin “specializes in human service.”
They ain’t nothing you cat) ask him to
do but what he wont at lease try and
do it and so far as we been able to
learn his batting average is pretty
fiics.
OORfIW-#
|.i>r
“IF NO GROOM HAPPENS TO
SHOW UP, TELL TOBIN, MAY
BE HE’LL COME HIMSELF.”
close to 1,000. A few samples of com
missions he has carried out recently
will convince the reader that he ain’t
easy to baffle.
1. They was a business man living
in a good size town that wanted 5,000
brand new U. S. pennies to use in a
advertising campaign. The banks in
his town couldn’t supply him so he
telegraphed Tobin and the next A.M.
he had the pennies.
2. They was a U. S. army officer
that got married in Europe during the
war, but his wife didn’t come back
with him. He was now stationed at a
western post in the U. S. and sent for
her to cross the old pond and join him.
At the last minute, wile she was on
the way acrost, he found out he
“NOGI,” I SAY, “HER NOSE ARE ARRANGED IN’ THE MIDDLE OF HER FACE.”
“I are disabled to reply,” depose
Nogi.
"Because I tell you this.” I romp
with elegant wisedom, V every kind of
sav, soap, ointment & drug-store putty
cannot put yr face on straight when
it grow on crooked. It are the girl
behind the complexion that do the
work.”
** * *
"CHUX & shells!* expunge Nogi.
"What are a face nowadays?
Merely something fix up & down until
it are something different. Sippose
you do not like the front yard of your
head. Sippose yr nose take up so
much landscape that it get in the way
of yr hansom eyes. What you do
about that? Simply go to Beauty
Doctor, get that face over hauled &
extra parts."
"Oh goody!" I holla. “Then I shall
exchange my feechus for something
nice! What famus acter shall I look
like?”
“Trouble with Beauty Doctors,” say
Nogi, “are that they are like all other
pvsiclans. They never will argree.
Sippose you go to Beauty Hospital
and say to Gen. Staff, ‘I require to
have my face lifted, my eyebrows
lowered, my ears stuck in, my nose
stuck out. my forehead relined &
valves ground,’ then they will make
sscientiflek smiles and Step This Way
expression. So farly so goodly. But
what next?”
“You are making the speech,” I
resum.
“All o.k. then,” dictate Nogi.
"Nextly I know they have led me to
the Amputating Room \yhere walls
are all covered with photos and there
are a sideboard & table on which
persons get carved. ‘Simply lay &
do nothing,’ they rejofntw hiie 6 cross
red nurses stretch me. Nextly I
know they put a megaphone in my
mouth & pour in something that
smell like the perfummery that ar
rives with illegal gin. My thoughts
get all unoccupied. I sleep.”
Nogi stop so I can get time to be
sipprised.
“What happen, if anything?” I
ask to know.
"Pretty much, by golly, happen to
me while I are not there to prevent
it. 2 or 3 prominent surgeries un
screw my face & lay it on sideboard.
‘Now we got him here, Doctor,’ say
No. 1 to No. 2, ‘we should make him
| D'CK* /
5- 3* l 5"
“THEY WAS A COUPLE SETTING IN' BACK THAT KEPT TALKING
ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER IT WAS THE LAST TIME THEY
HEARD IT. ’
couldn’t get leave to go to N. Y. and
meet her. So he telegraphed Tobin
and Tobin met her and put hef’ on the
right train west.
3. They was a big business concern
holding a convention in N. Y. and the
president of it decided all of a sudden
to give a New Years party for the
other officials and their wifes, but they
was one young vice president from
out of town that didn’t have no wife
or a female acquaintance of any kind
in N.Y. He telephoned Tobin and in
a few minutes he was on his way to
the party with a dame that made the
rest of them look like general house
work.
4. They was a lady down south that
was crazy about a certain perfume
which she had got a whiff of it some
wheres, but she couldn't remember
the name of it. She described to her
husband what it smelled like and he
looked for it in pretty near every per
fume joint In the country, but with
out no luck. B* «u about to give up
when he h—*i es Tobin and told him
beautiful as pussible. This are very
sad case. This face look like a 1905
model what never had a mother or
father. Would it not be cheaper to
buy him a new face than to munky
with this one? ‘Pussibly,’ dictate No.
2. ’but what are most beautiful kind
for him?’ ’One like Jack Barry
moore,’ snuggest No. 3. ‘I cannot
stand Jno. Barrymore since he stop
cutting his hair,’ decry No. 2. ’I
should think he would look nicer
with a hard, fresh face like Hon. Jo
Shilkraut.' ‘Neva, nava, neva! shouoh
No. 1. ’a face like Pres. Coolidge
who hide his firmness with his chin
would be quite stylish.’ ‘Ratz &
katz.’ they all holla in unicorn while
the nurses gets mad too & commence
throwing suggical tools ...”
“Coshes!” I say so. “In meantimes
what you doing all that time?”
“Sleeping.” narrate Nogi. “And
while my great brain are absent those
Doctors can do what please. Maybe
I will awake up without qnny nose.”
“It would serves you right,” I re
port. “I always said you got the
kind of beauty what should be sent
to Home for Uncurabies.”
** * *
GVV7IIEN.I were born,” dib Nogi,
“my mother say I were the
very portrait of you.”
“That may be so & so,” I ague.
“Vet it must be true that cansider
able can be did to cure homliness.
Look at girls sourounding you! They
got their eyebrows skinned, their
chins tucked up & new mouths paint
ed on. They are so covered with
paints, oils & varnishes that it are
umpossible to tell whether they are
, pretty or not.
“And look at street cars when rid
ing in them,” I peruse. “See all those
i advtemts what you got to read to
keep from looking at homely people
on seats opp. What do those Kar
Kards advtse? Following:
“ ‘Trv Our Treatment & Get Lovelv.
’“We Will Take Those Blue Rings
Off Yr Nose.
” ‘Electric Chair Makes Lively Girls.
I “ 'Pimples! Pimples! I Cure Them
in 6 Lessons.
“ ‘Lady Mulligan’s Lipsticks. The
Kiss that Wont Come Off.
“ ‘Ladies Why Be Bald? Go to
Venus College.
“ ‘Get a New Nose. Permanent.
Durable. Goran teed for 6 Mos.’
his problem. Tobin was soon on the
scent and the wife got the perfume.
Now I ain’t nobody’s press agent
outside of my own family, but it
seems to me like it would be nothing
short of criminal to keep Tobin a se
cret. Personly they’s been many a
occasion when I could of used him to
advantage and I have no doubt the
big majority of ray friends often finds
themselfs in the same kind of jams.
Like for example I was standing on
the corner of 41st st. and 7th ave. one
day and I had about 12 minutes to
catch a traip at the Pennsylvania
station. My dogs was fretting me so
bad that I didn't want to walk, but
the subway would get me there too
soon and I didn't feel like risking my
life and climb in a taxi. A 7th ave.
surface car would of suited me fine,
but I couldn’t coax none of them to
stop and leave me get aboard. Finely
I give it tip and took a taxi, but it
was then too late to catch the train.
Had I of knew about Tobin how sim
ple it would of been to commission
“All this etc etc evervwheres.
What it show? It shows that Amer
ica will soonly have a race of Venusea.
You can buy beauty in cans, same as
soup & brass polish.”
“All such flivolity are alright for
girls," renig Xogl from gloom. “But
j what benefat will it be for boys?”
“Sir Jno Dempsey arc a boy, are
not? I say so. 211 crippled prize
sisters say so also. Nobody, not ever
ex-Firpo ever sispeeted him of being
a girl. Yet what happen to Sir Jno?
One day he look into mirror which he
smoggie into traning qrs on sly. 'Oil’
he say so, ‘I seem to look like some
body axidently hit me in days of by
gone. What are that Objec-k wob
bling in bunches almost ezacklv be
tween my ealla-flower ears? Are it a
nose? Or are it merely a collision?
By gracious, I shall go to a Doctor L
ask to know.'
“Therefore he elope to Face Hos
i pital & look over Katalog at page
! marked List of Noses. He picks out
! one entitled Apollo Jr Quick Sniffing
j Easy Smeller Price 100000$ This he
j got put on and nearly next day he
I was married & live happy ever after
• wards.” *
“Will not wearing such axpensive
j end on his face make this Sir Jno
, timbid & afraid?” require Cousin Nogi.
“Quite contrary," I report. “Sir Jno
j value that pretty sniffer so high that
he are prepared to nearly kill anny
, prizeffster who attemp to knock it
off."
“I are unsure about morality of
those Beauty Decorations," Nogi ar
ray. “Putting pink powder on
i peaches are not very Pure Food Law
j In some horribly reformed States they
j have passed Law which makes it ille
-1 gal for girls, ladies & women to use
kosmetics, • paint, powder or anny
other form of lipstick.”
"Which States are Those?” I ask
to know.
“Same ones what has passed law to
prove Darwin were wrong," confab
him.
“So. well!” I belabor. "If kosmit
icks, paints, powder & lipstick are re
fused to ladies of those States it will
become deliciously easy to prove that
Darwin was right.”
Hoping you are the same
Yours trulv,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
(Copyright. 10”5.)
nim to come over and stop one of their
surface cars.
Another time I was setting: in the
Metropolitan opera house trying- to
listen to a performance of Lohengrin
and they was a couple setting in back
of me that kept talking out loud all
the wile about how much better it was
the last time they heard it and I
didn't have the nerve to ask them to
shut their mouth and just had to set
there and he mad at them. If I had
communicated with Tobin how simple
for him to of dropped in on them like
it was by accident and pretended
their house was on lire and they must
hurry right home.
What a blessing it would of been
on different occasions for Joie Ray
and Willie Ritola and etc. If they
could of got a hold of Tobin and had
him stop Nurmi in the middle of a
race and ask him how was everybody
back in Helsingfors. Apd what a
boon to Tiger Flowers to have Tobin
on hand to keep tickling Delaney or
annoying him some way another so
as he would forget what he had came
for.
I don't suppose they's a one of us
but what can recall the time- when
Tobin would of bet n a godsend and
a specially the ladies. How silly,
girlies, for you to endure the painful
embarrassments of wall ilowerdom
when a phone call to Tobin will bring
you a partner before the first encore
is over. And when you feel like it
was time you was getting married,
go ahead and make your plans and if
no groom happens to show up, tell
Tobin. Maybe he’ll come himself.
Duplicates Without Carbon.
RITING multiple copies
without the use of carbon paper
has been made possible by a recent
invention perfected by MaxE. Melton,
an employe of the Post Office Depart
ment. according to Popular Science.
His device is attached to a standard
typewriter. It consists of paper rolls
ingeniously urranged so that as the
paper is fed to the typewriter platen
the sheets are automatically inter
leaved with duplicating ribbon.
The invention, it is reported, is ex
pected to save the Government
thousands of dollars a year. The In
ventor has received a cash reward
for his efforts.
Invented in a Dream.
A “DREAM invention,’’ making pos
sible moving picture shows in
broad daylight, is claimed by a young
bookbinder in Budapest, according to
s. dispatch from that city.
The inventor projects pictures not
against a white screen, but against a
rapidly rotating disk covered with
strips of dark green and dark blue
paper, which radiates from the center.
The dispatch says the invention has
been proved a complete success bv
experiments and is already patented.
The inventor says the idea came to
him in a dream and he is unable to
explain It.