Evening star. [volume], August 02, 1955, Page A-6, Image 6

About Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972

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A-6
THE EVENING STAR, Washington, D. C.
TUESDAY. AUGUST *. I*M
Parenthood Without Hokum
Part B—Authority Won't Hurt Junior a Bit
By HOWARD WHITMAN
The father of a child who was
a critical behavior problem com
plained to a probation worker in
Los Angeles, “I just don’t under
stand it. I’ve been a pal, a real
buddy, to my boy.”
"You may have been a pal and
buddy.” the probation worker re-
This is tht eighth in a series el 12
articles by Howard Whitman, prom
inent writer an social problems. Dr.
Reginald S. Loune, psychiatry chief at
Children's Hospital, was asked by The
Star for his comments on the article.
He gives them elsewhere an this
page. Da you agree with Mr. Whitman
or Dr. Lourin’ Or da you have en
tirely different views of your awn?
The Star will print readers' opinions
on this important subject of parent
hood. Address your letter to the
Parenthood Editor.
plied. "But have you been a
parent? Don’t forget a htld
needs that, too.”
This 1 found a common pat
tern throughout the country.
Children need pals, certainly
(that’s why they have play
mates) , but children also need a
mother and father who are not
afraid to be parents.
At the Family Service Organi
zation of Louisville, Ky., Director
Esther Taylor commented, "One
of our greatest problems f oday
is to get children to accept love
and authority from the same
source.” Because parents have
been plied with the notion that
they had to be “buddies.” and
because “authority" has been as
naughty a word as "discipline”
in the lexicon of some of our ;
latter-day experts, we have a
generation of children who have ,
been largely deprived of parental ;
leadership and strength.
Child Tyrants Created
We have produced a good
many wishy-washy parents and (
an outsize crop of child tyrants.
A therapist at the Child Psy- ,
chiatric Clinic of the Evanston ,
(HI.) Hospital reported, “We j
have quite a problem with par
ents who are too long-suffering.
They let the child get so bad that ,
he is really unlikeable. We have ,
to help them to be more strict,
reasonably so, that is—to be
more like parents.”
A case worker at the Washing- ,
ton Institute of Mental Hygiene '<
added, “Some parents treat the ,
child as though he were the au- !
thority in the home. They react !,
to his every whim, soon giving
the child the idea that he is a
dictator.”
Child dictatorship is just about
as bad as another kind. Our
Juvenile court judges and our
youth bureaus have seen the
odious results of it. They have
seen parents reduced to flaccid
Ineffectiveness. In Detroit Juve
nile Court, Judge Nathan Kauf
man declared:
“It is shocking to see parents
surrender to their own children.
But that is what many of them
do. They give up. I’ve had
parents whose youngsters 14 and
15 years old go out on drinking
parties in the woods until 2 and
3 in the morning and the parents
come in and say, ‘We can’t do a
thing about it. We just can’t
handle them’.”
“Here, You Handle Them”
Judge Kaufman added, "That
is what happens when the child
becomes boss of the home. Once
the child is boss, the home is
lost.”
Sergt. George Simmons, of the
Police Youth Bureau in Ann Ar
bor, Mich., reported, "We have
parents come here and push
their youngsters through the
door and say. ‘Here, you handle
them .We can’t do anything with
them’.’’ To this Sergt. Simmons’
reaction is, "They have had 10
or 15 years to civilize their chil
dren and they have failed. Now
they expect me to do it in 10 or
15 minutes.”
I’ve found little respect among
today’s psychiatrists and guid
ance personnel for the parent
who allows his children to walk
over him. To summarize the re
actions I have found: "A parent
who lets his child make a fool
of him is a fool.”
But there is more to the story.
This is no mere matter of res
cuing parents who have bogged
down in their own ineptitude.
It is a matter of rescuing chil
dren. Wishy-washy parents de
prive children of one of their
prime developmental needs. They
need the vitamin of parental au
thority as much as any vitamin
in their diets. And today’s new
trend in child-care is to see that
they get it.
Boss But Not Bossy
This is not to say that the
“authoritarian” parent has
come back into vogue: far from
it. Authoritarianism is the abuse
of authority. The parent who
uses authority properly does so
with love, understanding, and
fair play In the well-run fam
ily the parent can be boss with
out being bossy.
"Children feel safer when
their parents have strength and
authority,” declared Director
Elizabeth Porter of the Family
Service Society of New Orleans.
“Our cases constantly show us
that the child is disappointed
when his parents show a lack
of authority. His need for pa
rental leadership is shown in
the way the child himself in
vests his parents with authority.
Exemptions on Gift Tax
Extended Outside City
President Eisenhower yester
day signed an amendment to ex
isting District law that would
exempt charitable and religious
organizations outside the city
from paying inheritance taxes
on gifts bequeathed by local
residents.
The measure has been opposed
by the Commissioners.
Under the old law. only Dis
trict organizations were exempt
from th«i v tax.
A RISING DICTATOR—To keep a child from being the
household czar takes work, responsibility and strain,
Howard Whitman says today.
He is proud of his father’s
strength and his mother's wis
dom. He wants these qualities
to provide a strong home in
which he can be safe.”
I met with a group of teen
age youngsters in Lincoln Park.
Mich., just south of Detroit, and
discussed this with them. Their
remarks were revealing:
"The trouble today is your
Ma says you can’t do something
and the next minute she changes
her mind and lets you do it,”
one boy said.
"Gosh, no kid can look up to
a father whose got a lot of
mush where his backbone should
be.” another chimed in.
A grinning realist among them
added, “If they let us walk all
over ’em we re going to. Why
shouldn’t we?”
“My Pa—He Means It!”
The only boy who seemed to
feel he had something, to boast
about was the one who said,
"Well, you guys aren’t talking
about my Pa. When he says
something he means it!”
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| Talk to children anywhere and
| you will quickly discover that
I though they may enjoy wrap
jping their parents around their
: fingers— if they can get away
with it—still in their hearts they
yearn for parents who are strong
and stable. They are the first
to condemn parents who are too
weak to rear their own children.
Why do so many parents abdi
cate their own authority? I put
the question to Director Samuel
Whitman of the Cleveland Men
tal Health Association. He re
plied, “Because the exercise of
authority takes work, it takes
responsibility, and it takes strain.
To build parental authority upon
a base of affection, a parent must
make a real effort.”
Confidence Required
Others pointed out that to
exercise authority requires con
fidence, and lack of confidence
seems to be a parental disease
these days. Undoubtedly some of
the confidence has been shaken
by the experts themselves, who
in recent years have too often
rung the gong for soft parent
hood. They have not wanted
parents to expect too much or
demand too much of their
children.
This tide is turning too. Di
rector Whitman, while citing the
obvious harm in giving nothing
to a child and demanding every
thing, also pointed out. “If the
parent gives everything and dee
mands nothing, he fails the child,
too. He falls him not only in the
personal contract of parenthood
—but also in the social contract.
It Is each parent’s duty to society
to pass on to his or her children
the principle that each of our
rights is counterbalanced by an
obligation.”
This is the point at which
parental authority becomes, for
the child, the symbol of all the
various forms of authority he
will encounter later on. If he can
walk over his parents he will try
the same maneuver later on with
his teachers, his employer and
perhaps even with his com
munity and government.
Parents Set Pattern
"The only form of government
the child knows Is his parents,”
commented Juvenile Court Judge
Humphery G. Dukes of Savan
nah, Ga. "They set the pattern
for how he is going to act toward
other forms of government later
on.” If the pattern is one of in
tractibility, rebellion and disre
pect for the rights of others, this
child is going to be in plenty of
hot water eventually.
In its coming of age, child
psychology today is less prone to
cast away the tested wisoom of
1 all time and more prone to use
it as a base on which to build.
One psychologist, in maKing a
point, quoted the Bible to me
(Prov3rbs 22:6)—“Train up a
child in the way he should go:
and when he is old, he will not
depart from it.”
The poet Kahlil Gibran wrote
of parents as "the bows from
which your children as living
arrows are sent forth.” And
Gibran noted that even as God,
the Archer, “loves the arrow that
, flies so He loves the bow that is
stable.”
Tomorrow—"AU the other kids
are allowed to—.”
Distributed by The Register
ind Tribune Syndicate.
Showing Who's the Boss
Not So Easy, Expert Says
By DR. REGINALD S. LOURIE
Director. Department of Psjchletrr
Children's Hospital
Howard Whitman makes a
very important point in his ar
ticle on the lack of application
of authority in child rearing.
The human young is the only
one of the mammals who has
to learn how to live chiefly by
controlling his instincts and
urges.
However, to set the record <
straight, we mustn’t forget that i
forget that the phase of “leni- <
ency” in bringing up children 1
was a reaction against the very <
strict child care practices prev- i
alent during the influence of 1
Watson’s behaviorism theories
in the '2os and ’3os. This was i
the basis on which many of the ’
current parents were raised.
The idea of no restrictions In 1
the raising of chUdren was not'
only a reaction away from 1
strictness but also a misinter- '
pretatlon of psychiatric and 1
particularly psychoanalytic ex- 1
perience. There is nowhere in 1
sound psychiatric literature any 1
idea that controls are wrong, I
The emphasis is on avoiding the
wrong kinds of restriction*.
What happened was that in
some circles, there were people
who were rigid about being lib
eral.
Mr. Whitman is pointing out
how the pendulum is swinging
back. He makes It sound quite
, easy, however, to shift the par
ents' ways of handling their
, children. He indicates that all
! you have to do is not to be
. afraid of your child.
There are all kinds of people
, in the world and most of them
i have children. Thus the people
> who have difficulty in being
close to everyone. Including their
I children, or who are unsure of
, of themselves in everything they
’ do. or who are frightened of not
. being liked or of being too ag
gressive even with their chil
dren or who go to pieces in a
\ crisis or who just plain don’t
Two-Tone New Cars
Look Like Taxicabs
PHILADELPHIA (A s ).—Those
bright new colors on 1955 au
tomobiles are pretty, but at
least one Philadelphia woman
thinks they’re also confusing.
She wanted a taxicab, hailed
a brightly painted car at an in
tersection and began tugging at
the rear door handle,
i "Please, lady.” said the drfver.
"This is my car. my own pri
vate car. It’* not a cab.”
jeare about their children—all
these could have trouble in ex
erting controls I wish that it
were as simple as saying, “don’t
be afraid of your child, let him
Know who’s boss."
Another side of the story is
that where too severely imposed
controls are brought to bear,
children can also respond with
rebellious behavior. This type of
result is much harder to correct
than that of erring on the side
of leniency. If a child is brought
up liking people, the world can
correct his attitude toward au
thority. The chronically hostile
child who feels everyone Is
against him is by far the harder
problem to deal with.
Since so much of the basic;
attitude toward authority is de
veloped in the first few years of
life, it is hoped that articles
such as this will help parents
who are having troubles with
exerting authority to turn, dur
ing a child’s early years, to the
sources such as clinics, agen
cies. doctors, teachers, etc., for
expert guidance in corrective
measures.
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SOVIET KEEPS NEWS A SECRET
IF ZHUKOV DAUGHTER IS WED
MOSCOW {lP). —The reported marriage of Defen**
Minister Georgi Zhukov’s daughter continues to be on*
of the best-kept secrets of the Soviet Union.
Nikita Khrushchev, first secretary of the Communist
Party, told President Eisenhower of the marriage at the
Big Four Geneva conference, and President Eisenhower sent
a radio as a weddinr gift.
But even United States Ambassador Charles E. Bohlen
has been unable to find out whether Marshal Zhukov’s
daughter is a marriageable daughter in the Zhukov family.
Other western ambassadors and newsmen also have been
unable to find out about it.
The Foreign Ministry’s press department professes to
know nothing. The Soviet press doesn’t print that kind of
news, and western newsmen have not been able to find Papa
Zhukov to ask him about it.
Actors' Guild Sets
Strike for Friday
HOLLYWOOD, Aug. 2 UP.
The Screen Actors Guild has set
Friday as the start of a strike by
all actors in filmed television
shows.
A spokesman for the guild said
40 weekly TV series are now
shooting in New York and Holly
wood. John L. Dales, executive
secretary, said that 96.3 per cent
of the membership authorized
the strike. *
“The principal issue on which
the strike is being called,” he said
yesterday, “is the refusal of the
producers of filmed television
programs to agree to make any
residual payments whatsoever to
actors for the second run of a
video film.”
The three-year contract, which
expired last week, gives actors
payment on the third to sixth
runs, inclusive, in addition to the
original showing.
The walkout will not apply to
production of theatrical motion
pictures, filmed television com
mercials or non-televised in
dustrial and educational pictures.