Evening star. [volume], August 03, 1955, Page A-10, Image 10

About Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972

Image provided by: Library of Congress, Washington, DC

                
A-10
TUB EVENING STAR, Washington, D. C.
WXBKBSPST. AUGUST 8, ISSS
Parenthood Without Hokum
Part 9—“ All the Other Kids Are Allowed to—”
By HOWARD WHITMAN
Hi ere are four major strate
gies which children use to set
around their parents. The
youngsters don't mean any
harm; they’re just being human.
But if parents are taken in, they
may become very ineffective
parents indeed—and the children
will be the ones who are harmed.
Strategy No. 1—“ All the other
kids are allowed to .. . What
This is ths ninth is • strits ts 12
articles by Howard Whitman, prom
inent writer on social problems.
parent has not had to face this
one? It is the strategy most fre
quently used and the one most
difficult to meet. It makes you.
as a parent, feel like an old
spoilsport, a killjoy, the only
aourpuss in the neighborhood.
And that is a hard load to bear.
For this very reason the “coifa
parison gambit" is an excellent
strategy and the youngsters
know it.
Case Work Director Dorothy
Thomas, of the Family and Child
Services of Washington, D. C
suggests an effective way of
coping with it. Cheek upt Per
haps it just isn’t true that “all
the other kids are allowed to
....*’ Take the case of Mrs. B.:
Her daughter Jane, 13, wanted
to go on an evening swimming
party at the beach with a group
of boys and girls. Mrs. 8., trying
to be reasonable, suggested the
party be held in the afternoon
rather than in the evening when
it soon would be getting dark.
That’s when Jane came back at
her, “Oh Mom, all the other kids
are allowed to. I don’t see why
I have to be the only one who
can’t go. Gee!’’
She Called Others.
Mrs. B. brooded about it, not
wanting to be a restrictive par
ent, and finally picked up the
telephone and called Mrs. R.,
the mother of one of the other
girls. She was quiet surprised
by what she heard. “My good
ness. my husband and I don’t
approve of It at all!” Mrs. R
exclaimed. “Why, we thought
we were the only ones who felt
that way—and we were about to
say yes to our Martha just be
cause we didn’t want to be the
only ones to hold back!”
Subsequent phone calls to Mrs.
P. and Mrs. W. indicated that
they, too, did not approve of an
evening beach party at all but
were about to be pressured into
it because each parent felt that
•he was all alone In her views.
The beach party was changed
from evening to afternoon (and
all the youngsters had a wonder
ful time).
But suppose Individual par
ents do stand alone? Suppose
there is something all the other
kids are allowed to do, but for
your own reasons you feel that
your child should not?
We’re Not Sheep.
Here is a chance for children
to learn that human beings are
not sheep. Later In life there
will be many times when they
won’t be able to do what every
one else does—perhaps for fi
nancial reasons, perhaps for
health reasons. An occasional
childhood experience which pre
pares them for missing out on
something once in a while can
actually be constructive prepara,
tion for life.
Strategy No. 2—Begging and
pleading.—Every parent knows
what this is but perhaps doesn’t
realize that it is a natural strat
egy of children. Begging and
pleading is simply a testing op
eration. If the child cannot shat
ter parental opposition in a
single blow, he simply attempts
to gain the same objective by
abrasion.
Sometimes the preferred form
is a play on sympathy. The par
ent is made to feel, “Jf you say
no it will mean you don’t really
love me.” A parent who truly
loves his child lets this bounce
off harmlessly. But a parent
who has doubts about his love
may easily succumb to it.
Sometimes the nagging ap
proach is preferred. Here the
hope is that incessant begging
and pleading will be too much
for the parent to bear and he
will give in. Some parents al
low nagging to reach the point
of sheer torture. An effective
defense against it is to label
It; make It clear to the child
that he is nagging, and. if he
continues, the nagging will have
to be handled as an offense in
Itself.
Watch Those Promises
The begging and pleading stra
tegy may also take the form of
luring the parent into a prom
ise. The child asks for some
thing in an unguarded moment
when the parent will say yes
and then throws it back at the
parent later with the passion
ate allegation, “You promised!"
This gambit would get a child
into gobs of trouble later on If
he were encouraged in it; the
parent’s job is to make clear
just what a promise is and. of
course, to make none he is not
prepared to keep.
Stratey No. 3—" You did when
you were young.” Most parents,
when they were young, did many
of the things which they now
don’t want their children to do.
They stayed out later than they
should have. They did things
which they now consider ter
ribly dangerous. And surely
there were times when mischief
was done and the gravest rules
were broken. They probably
even thought their own par
ents were killjoys and spoil
sports
But—what parent believes he
knew more when he was an
adolescent than he does today?
Today he recognlzqi that though
he did certain things, that
doesn’t make them right (and
he remembers how his own par
ents objected). If he is wise
he will further recognize that
it Is a youngster’s place to want
to stretch and break the rules,
and it is a parent’s place to
" maintain and preserve them.
If each does his job, no harm
will be done.
The feeling of adolescents that
they know so much more than
their parents do does not stem
from confidence and certainty,
but from the opposite. As one
psychologist put it, "Adolescents’
cockiness stems from under
confidence. It Is not that they
know so much, but that they
know so little.”
They’ll Be Parents, Toa
Next time your children call
you old-fashioned, it might help
to remember that in 10 or IS
years, when they are rearing
their own children, they vyill be
thinking much as you do now—
just as you probably think much
as your parents did. This Is
the old story of youth catching
up with maturity, of the boy
who went away from home at
18 and returned at 28 to dis
cover, “Dad has certainly learned
a lot in those 10 years.”
Strategy No. 4—Playing one
parent against the other. This
is a natural tactic for any child
to try; in fact, it is a tribute
to his intelligence that he does
try it. But it can sow a great
deal of confusion in a family.
Where there are three parties
concerned—father, mother and
child—one party always stands
a better chance of getting his i
way if he can get the other two i
•■ ■ A X T 1 !! |% ■ Y ° U COn * rom ne to California and you just won't find a bedding
I Ills l/11l OT I Win-HPII till I TITS valuc tc comporc with this! We couldn't do it by ourselves! If two leading
® 111 VHIil 11»V manufacturers hadn't agreed to "go along" with us, it would have been impossible!
A furniture manufacturer did his part . . . and then the bedding manufacturer said
IMI ft PTU H 4ft .95 DCf*lll ADI V "Okay"! Instead of a long-winded description ... we say "LOOK AT THE
n II W nCUULHIILT* PICTURE"! It's exact—just as you see it. This is what you'll get delivered to your
home for just $79! But HURRY—get your order in EARLY!
7-PC. BLONDE BEDROOM OUTFIT 6-PC. MODERN SOFA-BED*OUTFIT f *^4>9s
outfit! Features big 6-drawer double dresser P* Big sofa and matching lounge P chair are covered 0% Mfe i
with mirror, chest of drawers and double bed in + I \S lovely decorator fabrics. Sofa opens to double bed. +J % U f Meosotw* 60 J’Sflßl*
jtimnmg new modern design .. . plus spring, com- ■ * Blond cocktail, jamjj and end tables and modern I M
~~ ~ parkin^q^
\open 10 an. to 9 p.m. Diilj-fiee Parking if g, WSBSm «»« « 9 M-WM-S.
fighting. This is dlvide-and
conquer on a family scale.
It can be extremely harmful
to the child. His world becomes
a schizophrenic one, in which
reality flip-flops from one ex
treme to the other. Rather than
learning to face reality, be simply
tries to switch it on and off.
Broke Up Her Classes
At the Evanston, HI., Hospital,
the Child Psychiatric Clinic
treated a girl of 8 who was so
disturbed she could hot be kept
in school for more than half a
day. At home she had played
her mother against her father
constantly; if she couldn’t get
“yes” out of her mother she got
it out of her father. Often she
left them quarreling while she
gaily tripped away, Jiavlng won
whatever she desired.
She then attempted to use this
strategy upon her friends at
school. When it failed, she
threw other children off play
ground equipment and disrupted
her classes. The major therapy
for this child was to show her
parents the need for consistency.
They must stand together and
each must bolster and support
the authority of the other. This
was vital to the mental health
of their child.
When children try to get
around their parents, they are
not being "bad” children. They
\READEkS DISCUSS SERIES
"Modern Child" Blamed
j For Teacher Shortage
The Star hat invited its
readers to air their views,
agreeing or disagreeing with
Howard Whitman’s articles on
“Parenthood Without Hokum."
Address your letter to Parent
hood Editor, The Star. Follow
ing are excerpts from letters
received to date:
Dear Editor:
The articles by Howard Wit
man on “Parenthood Without
Hokum” are long overdue. They
should have been written sooner.
The present shortage of teach
ers is not due so much to low
salaries per se as to the fact that
many teachers feel “no amount
of money” is worth the terrific
struggle with the modem child.
Today’s children are not basic
ally any worse than formerly, but
they are the victims of a com
plex, over-stimulating life of TV,
radio, movies care and airplanes,;
plus the results of the no-dlsci
pllne era advocated by' so many 1
are being normal. Intelligent '
human beings. Hie strategies j
they use are instinctive, and the ,
parents’ job is not to blunt those
instincts but to civilize the child
so that he gains a true view of
reality. There may be a squawk ,
or two, but In the long run the
child is strengthened. x 1
Tomorrow -Using the family ]
ear—what time te get home. <
(Distributed and Tribunt ;
psychologists and so-called "pro
gressive” educators. >
No one favors harsh or unreas
onable restraints upon children,
but children do need to have
some controls by which to live.
This will give them a sense of
security and emotional stability.
Many fine conscientious parents
do feel their responsibility in
. this matter and their happy,
i well-adjusted children are a tes
timonial to their efforts. What a
, joy it is to teach their children!
But how teachers’ hearts ache
for those other miserable, nerv
ous, unhappy, discontented lit
tle children whose parents evade
their responsibility by allowing
them to wander in their own con
fusion devoid of standards and
discipline. One suspects that this
type of child development be
came popular because it was
easier than consistent and order
ly training in building strength
of character. .
Mr. 'Whitman’s articles will
undoubtedly stimulate much
thought and should result In a
re-evaluation of wholesome pro
grams for child development.
Yours truly,
Mildred Green,
(Principal, Raymond Ele
mentary School).
Dear Editor:
The real hokum of the parent
hood problem is the closing of
eyes to the fact that sex has been
so falsely presented in popular
| " 11 ' ” * ll
THE WINNING TACTICIAN—PIaying one parent against
the other is only one of many child tactics, Howard Whit
man points out today.
songs, lingo, and the press that
children’s rights are forgotten.
Children an being bom un
wanted. Every child should be
wanted.
Nowhere in cheap sex attitudes
is there shown any general rec
ognition that young couples
realize that the sex relationship
has results that extend far off
into the future.
Certain men and women have
. children they do not wish to take
' care of. Children must be
' watched and guided for years.
Parenthood is lifelong. At no
i point, anywhere, are parents jus
tified in running out on their
children who are in trouble—no
matter how old the children are.
The children did not ask to be
born.
Why do couples many whan
they do not want children? Why
do they think that the birth of
a child is entirely their business
and is none of the business of
the child that is being bom?
Mrs. Frances King,
Mother and ex-teacher.
To the Editor:
Congratulations upon the very
excellent series of articles by
Howard Whitman on “Parent
hood Without Hokum.” Natural
ly, Mr. Whitman is not writing
about every parent and every
child.
I am afraid Philip Green cooks
bis own goose with his last six
words, “2 per cent of all chil
dren.”
(Editor’s Note: Mr. Green,
Federal Children’s Bureau de
linquency chief, wrote in his
comment on the Whitman se
ries that “only about 2 per
cent of all children” are juve
nile delinquents.)
We hear about the dreadful
trafflo fatalities over a Fourth
of July week end. Where would
we be if there was a traffic fa
tality in 2 per cent of all cars?
Where would we be if 2 per cent
of all bankers were crooks?
I particularly enjoyed the
third installment, about fathers.
As the father of three daughters,
all happily married, and grand
father of two fine granddaugh
ters, 6 and 9, I can testify that
they didn’t get that way by
pampering.
Look, Pop—if you love your
child—hammer the dickens out
of him, if he needs it, no matter
what Mom says. If he’s good,
give him a nickel—no, not a dol
lar; a nickel. You’ll be surprised
what he comes home with.
Peaceful Clancy,
(Who “Lowered the Boom.’ )