Search America's historic newspaper pages from 1789-1943 or use the U.S. Newspaper Directory to find information about American newspapers published between 1690-present. Chronicling America is sponsored jointly by the
National Endowment for the Humanities and the Library of Congress. external link Learn more
Image provided by: University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Library, Urbana, IL
Newspaper Page Text
aIU- S AHrDlSS YJU. PROOF J
Uf.-. C To bcRTW -Dot z v"
I I cove He..rf--'a
, I ; yW t
If" L3f SiSjr n
THE WORRY METHOD
Do what he -would, poor old
Mr. Porter continued to grow
stouter and stouter every week,
until before very long the bur
den of his too solid flesh be
came positively unendurable.
Doctor after doctor he con
sulted, specialist after special
ist; but all to no purpose.
At last, therefore, ia despair,
he surrendered himself to the
quack, and for eightlong weeks
submitted to the drastic, brutal
treatment prescribed for him.
Then came the quack's bill!
"Twenty-five dollars!" gasp
ed the outraged Mr. Porter.
"You dare charge me $25 for
helping me to gain weigh't?"
"No, my dear sir; in order to
reduce your weight," replied
the Imperturbable quack, smil
ing sweetly. "The bill is quite
the most important part of my
treatment!'" , ,
WARRANTEO TO DRAW
A day or two ago a woman entered
a suburban telegraph office, and said
to the receiver of messages that she
desired to telegraph to her husband,
who was in the country, for money.
He pointed to the counter supplied
with blanks and told her the rate for
a dozen words. She struggled away
for a quarter of an hour, and then
handed In the following:
"Won't you please send me five
.doIlaTB by next post?"
"I don't knowwhether that will do
or not," as she felt for her money,
"H you were to receive such a tele
gram from your wife, would you for
ward the money?"
"WeB-J-well, I might," he replied,
in doubtful tones.
"Now, you waitT I dont like the
telegram at all, because I've tried to
keep it within twelve words. I'll write
She tore it up, walked over to the
counter, and in three minutes handed
in a new one, reading:
"Am out of food and fuel, and
want five pounds as soon as you can
get it here. If you can't spare it m
pawn the parlor carpet"
"That should bring the money
from me," said the receiver, as he
read the lines and market the-num--ber
"Then it wffl from him. Send It
o o- ,
A builder, observing a man stand
ing on the scaffolding with his hands
in his pockets, smoking a pipe, went
up to him and said, "Now I've caught
you; well have no more of thisi
When did you start? Monday? Well,
here's your four days' pay; consider
yourself discharged !" The man
pocketed the money and went away
Suickly. A few minutes ''later the
oreman came up, and the builder
told him what he had done. "Why,"
said the foreman, "that man wasnt
working for us he was only naMng