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Newspaper Page Text
Mr. Harry Lauder's greatest bores
are strangers who claim old friend
ship with him. One day he was press
ed to have a cigar by one fo those
professing friendship and while
smoking he tore the red band off and
threw it away.
"Those cigar bands are very valu
able," protested the giver, trying to
enhance his gift as much as :ssible.
"For two hundred of them you can
get a graphophone free."
"My lad," answered the great
comedian, "if I used two hundred of
these smokes I wouldn't want a
graphophone, but," he added, look
ing toward the skies, "I would need
a harp." "
HE NEVER KNEW
Dick I hear you and Pat had a
scrap, Jim. Who licked?
. .Jim Well, when I came to my
.sensea Pat wuz gone, so I didn't
AM CCIEBRATIN& DER.
tpr tfcR DAY I.
SEGAH To MAKE
It was a small railway station. The
village was about a mile away
"May I leave this box here for
about an hour?" asked the traveler
of a porter. "I want to make a call
in the village."
"Certainly sir," replied the porter;
"but could you give me . card to put
"I am afraid I have not got one,"
said the traveler.
Pulling an old card from his
pocket, the king of hearts, he con
tinued: "This will be a means of identifica
tion." "Very good, sir," said the porter.
In due time the traveler returned,
and was looking about for his box,
when he observed the porter com
ing forward to him, grinning. .
"ity word, sir, that was a good
"What was a good trick?" asked
"Why, sir, a gentleman came along
ust after you had gone, took an ace
of hearts out of his pocket, and put
it on top of your king, and he went
off with your box, sir."
THE DINER'S RUSE
The members of the club were tell
ing yarns, when the quiet man in the
corner was asked to contribute.
"Well," said he, "I once entered a
restaurant, where they weigh you be
fore eating, and then after eating,
and then charge you by weight. I
had a good feed, and was charged a
dollar. The next time I went I took
in my pockets bricks, weights, old
iron and such-like. I was weighed,
and then went upstairs and had a
banquet three" times as big as the
last. I went down and was weighed
again. But they couldn't" make it
out." He paused.
"Couldn't make what out?" asked
the club members.
"Why," answered the quiet man.
"they owed me two dollars!"