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Newspaper Page Text
ONE MAN'S OPINIONS
BY N. D. COCHRAN. Our Famous Censor. Major FUnk houser, who fought, hied ahd died on. dress parade in the state militia for that title, is probably the greatest lit tle censor of the movies Chicago has ever produced since Jeremiah O'Con .nor wanted to dress Miss September Morn in a Mother Hubbard gown. He held up Shakespeare's "Mer chant of Venice" until a committee of our leading and most highbrow Jew ish citizens made up their minds whether it was safe for the great American public to see the noble Shy lock exacting that pound of meat. And then he called upon a com mittee of U. S. army officers to pass on a film in which an army officer was pictured as both traitorous and drunk. Of course, the army film got the hook. I have been wondering what would happen if somebody tried to put over a film of Mary and her Little Lamb. Would our hero, the Major, call on a committee of Marys, schoolteach ers or lambs? Of course, it isn't important. I just wondered. I'm for censorship strong. And I'm very fond of majors. Especially when they are Punk housers. And it is very important that the people have their morals either cold-storaged or properly man icured and massaged. But I want to help the-'Major out. In the event that certain of the class ics might be put in films and sub mitted to his censorship, I offer the following suggestions free gratis for nothing: Old Mother, Hubbard. Close the cupboard and cut out the bone. There might be doctors in the audience and the bone might incite them to sur gery. Can the dog. . Mary's Little Lamb. Omit .the lamb. Og Armour might be in the theater and wonder who stole the lamb from the stockyards'. Besides it might stimulate hunger and ' make more work for the United Charities. Macbeth. Cut out Banquo's ghost Children should not be tempted to be lieve in ghosts. Put bean soup in the witches' caldron and make the witches change language to eeny-meeny-mjney-moe. Blow out Lady Macbeth's candle and JhanA her a searchlight Count of Monte Cristo. Cut out prison scene. It leads to thoughts of crime. Have the hero .escape from a First Ward boarding house. The criminal thought will be more subtle and get over the heads of children. Instead of killing his enemies have the count hand them money and say Pooh! Pooh!! Ten Nights in a Bar Room. Cut out the booze. William Tell. Cut out the bow and arrow and have William shoot the apple off the .boy's bean with a bil liard cue. Chalk the cue. Othello. Cut out the smother. act Have the Moor handing Desdemona a bunch '6f violets. Merchant of Venice. Make Shy lock a Hindu. Not many of them in this country. Cut out the pound of meat and old Shy. won't need to. Cut ou Portia from court scene and give the case to Charlie Erbstein. Uncle Tom's Cabin. ;Cut the ice away from Eliza and call a taxi. Muz zle the bloodhounds. o o protects Names of boys of prominent families Indianapolis, March 25. When Chief of Police Perrott walked into the turnkey's office and saw there names of three boys of prominent families, slated on statutory charges, he ordered the turnkey to erase the names. Three fictitious ones were substituted. o o . "Alas! Mexico has no war poet," says a coffee-colored patriot from Sonora. She'd only hang 'em if she had. A country that has a new war every 3.0 days can't hope to breed poets enough.