Search America's historic newspaper pages from 1789-1949 or use the U.S. Newspaper Directory to find information about American newspapers published between 1690-present. Chronicling America is sponsored jointly by the
National Endowment for the Humanities and the Library of Congress. external link Learn more
Image provided by: University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Library, Urbana, IL
Newspaper Page Text
WOULDNT USE HARD WATER
Among a squad of policemen; -who
-were being examined on ambulance
work -was one of -whom Che doctor
put' the following" questions?
Doctdr What would you do to a
man who had a cut on the forearm?
Policeman Shure, sorr, I'd bathe
it with warm, soft water,.
Doctor What do you mean by.
Policeman Och! Just soft water,
sorr wet water,
Doctor And what is hard water?
Policeman Ice, sorr.
A REGULAR CUSTOMER
"Look here!"' sternly said Squire
Peavy, "this Is about the seventh'
time you have been up before me in
a year!" '
"Yassah," replied Brother Hooker.
"I's proud to say 'tis 'cawdimto muh
recerlectlon. I never was one o' dese
fluttery pussons dat's heah today and
some'rs else tomorrow; when I like
a man' I gives him all muh business.
Yassah, when a gen'leman wins muh,
'steem I b liewes in standin' bjr him."
Woman's Home Companion!
WAITED FOR EVIDENCE
Schmidt sued , Jones tor slander,
alleging that Jones had called him
hippopotamus some six months be
fore. Of this 'time Item Jones' at
torney made capital, saying -scornfully:
, "Whv, you haven't got any case,
'3V&V Scpmjdt. If your feelings were
so badly hurt why didn't you take
action six months ago?''
"Yes, I know," answered Schmidt
easily, "but I never saw a hippopot
amus until two weeks ago."
FATHER NEEDS TO IMPROVE
"Johnson needn't be so made be
cause the teacher criticized his boy's
composition. The bojrwill improve," J
"you aon t appear to understand.
Johnson wrote 'the composition himself!"
AIN'T NATURE WONDERFUL!
A cocktail is a mixture of different
liquors producing a taste which is a
cross between a varnish and a mo--torman's
glove. People kid them
selves into believing this taste is
great stuff. '
According; to' some people mixing
cocktails Is an accomplishment or
even a gift. A fellow can be a fail
ure at anything, but if he can mix
cocktails, why, Norman, there's no
use spiejlng he's -a wonder.
Nom&n is ever satisfied with hls
own cocktail, the other fellows is al
ways .better. He whistles, "Gosh! I
don't know how he makes 'em taste
so fine! I can't make it out. He
uses the same stuff I "do. Oh, well,
'sno use, it's a gift"
When people $te invited up for
dinner the host always mixes some
cocktails before dinner and says,
"Ah! Here are some appetizers.
Drink 'em up, boys, an' we'll be all
set for the big, feed."
The truth of It is, Oswald, they're
not appeUzers. at all. It's a little
scheme of the" host that takes the
guests' appetites' away so they won't
eat so much,
A DESPERATE CRIMINAL
JHelny See that woman across the
Omar Yes, what pt her?,
Heiny "She's a female train robber.
Omar Is that so?
Heiny Yes. She invented tfcs