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Newspaper Page Text
ilE PROFESSOR'S SCHEME
By H. M. Egbert
iy dont I eo to worn, doss;
ise there ain't no human- being
Jc "will give me work. You would
Vibeheve me if I was to tell you
; I'm a Yale graduate and that my
was as white as the driven
Imr, would you? SayJ make it a
jflar and I'll tell you my story.
fThanks, boss. Well, then, my
le's Theodore Van Trump and I
sng to the best families of Boston.
when I fell in love with Marian
phards there wasn't a happier man
side of the Common. The only
in the ointment was Jim Burley,
iy rival He wasn't a college man,
ce me, but he had the rocks and I
"She couldn't decide which one of
she'd take. 'I love you both,' she
id. 'I love you both equally. If I've
got to decide I'll die an old maid.
I Can t one of you boys make me take
. " 'That suits me,' says Jim. Same
jfcere,' I allowed. 'But how are we go
ring to do it?' asks Jim. 'Let's fight
'for it,' says L 'Right,' answers Jim,
'and we set to that night.
"It was a closed and locked empty
room, and the key was put on the
floor Deiore tne door and tne one
, that grabbed ' it meant 'I've had
'enough.' A sanginary battle it was,
gentlemen. We fought 37 rounds by
daylight and 18 more by candlelight
And when it was over neither of us
would have recognized the other. But
neither of us grabbed the key.
" 'I guess this won't do,' panted
Jim as he looked at me out of the
corner of his mouth from the floor.
'Same here,' I answered, out of my
forehead. You see our features had
become displaced. 'Lvet's grab the
key together,' Jim suggests. 'That
suits me,' I answered. And so we did.
"Then Jim challenged me to a duel
and we went into the woods and shot
at each other at ten paces, then five.
then three. We drilled each other like
sieves, but we couldn't kill each oth
er. 'This won't do either,' says Jim
to me as we lay side by side in a hos
pital ward. 'I agree,' says I. Make
it another dollar, gentlemen? No?
All right, suit yourselves, then.
"Well, sir, we tried all ways, in
cluding going up in bursting balloons
and eloping with Marian. Neither of
It Seemed to Have Settled Too Deep
for Anything to Be of Much Use.
us could bring it off. When Jim had
Marian half way to the altar I butted
in and forbade the banns. When I'd
got Marian down a rope ladder, Jim
was waiting below with an ax to
chop the rope before I reached the
ground. And all the time Marian
would have taken either of us; didn't
care which, in fact, so long as it was
"Jim comes to me one -day. 'I got
it. he says. 'Got what?' asks L 'It