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®Jit Crntrr democrat.
BBLLEFONT^_PA ; TkaUrint, OkMpMt ad Bast Ppr PUBLISHKD IN CBNTBB COUNTT. BUILDING A FOUNTAIN. "My dear," said Mr. Hpoopendyke, as he placed the nozzle of tho street sprinkler and braced it with bricks so it would squirt straight up, "my dear, that makes considerable of a fountain. I wish I had thought of it before." "Upon my word!" giggled Mrs. Spoopendvke. "Why you are really an inventor. The.'* the best fountain I ever saw ; but how are you ever go ing to take it down ?" and" Mrs, Hpoop endyke con tern plated the fountain with considerable misgiving. "Don't want to take it down!" grunted Mr. Hpoopendyke. "It comes down itself by the natural law of grav itation. Did you suppose that water intended to squirt up in the air and wan t r me to bring it down on a step ladder? Got some kind of a notion thai 1 was go ng to tie a rope around that water and haul it down, hadn t ye? Well, I'm not, and I ain't going i to offer it any chronic* to come down j either!" And Mr.Hpoopenpke seated himself on the I wer step and eyed his | fountain with a great deal of satisfac tion. "How long are you going to let it squirt?"asked Mrs. Hpoopendyke. anx ious to have the trouble begin that it might be over the sooner. "Oh, I guess about twenty feet,'" re- ' plied Mr.Hpoopendyke, measuring the height of the stream with his eye and chuckling to himself. ' That's about as long as the pressure would permit, and I thought I'd let it go that far be fore 1 hitched it up," and Mr. Hpoop endyke shook all over as the full strength of the joke impressed itself upon him. Mrs. Hpoopendyke watched the play of the water in silence. 'P'raps you think I can't get that foun tain apart without getting wet," said Mr. Spoopendyke at length. Maybe you h ve imbibed the idea that when I turn the water off I'm going to be soak- 1 ed. Well, I'm not. The head that , invented this fountain knows how to keep itself dry," and Mr. Hpoopendyke j got up and walked around his prize, j his face beaming with smiles. The i water was falling iu a perfect shower upon the key box, and in the after- ! noon sun the fountain looked remark ably pretty. Mrs. Hpoopeudyke made no respone but patiently awaited developments. "Now bring me the umbrella." said Mr. Hpoopendyke, preparing himself for the closing triumph. "Bring me forth the firy, untamed umbrella!" and Mrs. Hpoopenpyke handed it to him, he raised it. picked up his key and approached the stream. The um brella protected him from the down pour, hut as he bent over to turn the ; water off, the hissing shaft struck un der the gingham and raising the um brella with a vicious jerk, tipped Mr. Hpoopendyke over on his beam ends. "Dot gast the measly squirt!" he yelled as soon as he recovered breath. "What did ye want to distract ray at tention for ?" and he shook the um brella at bis wife a* he rose dripping to his feet. "Another time when I'm fixing this fountain you get under the bed, ye hear?" and Sirs. Hpoopendyke , glared around hiin and approached the enemy once more. This time he held the umbrella | straight out before him, groping along behind it with the key. lie almost reached the rod when the stream struck the outside of the umbrella, and as in it" whirled, Mr. Hpoopendyke spun around, landing in a sitting po sition on the fountian, which lifted hiin about a foot and rolled him in the gutter. "That's what ye were waiting to see, was it?" he shouted as he climbed to his feet and shook his fist at his tremb ling wife. "Been roosting up there to watch this display of genius against brute force! Got an idea hid away somewnere that this fountain and me aint on friendly terras?" and he whanged the umbrella across the steadily pouring stream, got caught once more and landed in the gutter again, this time on the back of his neck. "How d'ye like the show?" he squealed, bounding to his feet. There's going to be a concert after the circus!" and he charged once again with his umbrella, which this time was jerked out of his hands and rolled over into the street. "Procure your tickets of the gentlemanly ushers!" and he grabbed his weapon and made another onslaught. "Not that the circus performance is concluded 1" he continued as he fell clear over the stream and rolled into the umbrella. "The best is yet to come!" and in try ing to straighten the umbrella which had turned inside out he caught tha fountain again and slid down on it to the curb-stone with a sound like a buDg starter on a barrel. "My dear, why don't you-?" began Mrs. Hpoop endyke. Ain't I? roared her husband, "P'rape you know more about the per sonal nabits of this dod gasted squirt tbau I do?" and he stammered at it with umbrella and kicked at it until his leg was loose. "May be yon've got some political influence here!" and lowering his head behind the umbrel la he charged again. The water tip perl the umbrella straight, poured up into it and fell in a deluge on Mr. Hpoopendyke'* head and shoulder*. "Don't be alarmed ladies!" he squeal ed. "There's no danger!" and he smashed the umbrella down over it, like an extinguisher. "A competent corns of dod ghasted officials always on hand !" but at this juncture the um brella ripped from handle to whale bone tip, the stream caught Mr. Bpoop endyke under the chin and landed him pale and gasping against the fence. "This is what I mean, dear," said Mrs. Hpoopendyde, boldly approaching the fountain, kicking the nozzle over and turning the water off. That's what I wanted." "I know what yc want?"yelled Mr. Spookendyke fairly beside himself with rngo when ho saw how it was done. "Ye only want a little political influence and a brick chimney to be a Hoard of Water Commissioners! If I kick like you, I'd build a wall around me, get into a wash tub ami rent out as a reservoir ! If that's all ye wanted what made ye howl for a fountain ? If ye only wanted to kick it over, what made ye stand around and devil me into the building that squirt ? Some day, I'm going to put a meter in you and start a private water tank !" and Mr. Spoopendvke wrenched off the hose without waiting to uncouple it, and starter! for the house. "Are YOU wet dear?" asked Mrs. Hpoopendyke, regarding him affection ately. "\Vet!" howled Mr. Hpoopendyke. "Man is four-fifths* water, and the oth er fifth of me is* a little moist; that's | all!" and Mr. Spoopendyke plunged upstairs and into bed. ' I don't care" murmured Mrs. Spoopendyke. "He didn't stand still long enough to get chilled, and if he keeps mad for an hour longer he won't catch cold !" aud, noting on the new 'pathy. Mrs. Spoopendyke busied herself at the beside until her husband fell asleep from the exhaustion of auger and snored the snore of the just. GIRTH AND GOODNEBS Yen/ Fe\a Fat .V t Fall From Or,ire. Srw Yfk Sao. "It is by no means certain sir," the old observer said, settling himself comfortably back in his easy chair and just managing to lock his fingers over his ample vest, that in an improved state of society, when great truths now but guessed at shall be lit 11 v known, the scales will not play a very impor tant part in the administration of jus tice. Ido not mean the emblematic things that the blind goddeaq forever dangles aloft —significant of question 1 whether plaintiff or defendant will pay most for a decision. 1 mean plain matter-of-fact. Fairbanks, Howes, or ' some other scales to tell exactly what a person weighs. The time will come when people will recognize that lack of adip<Mc tissue and a paucity ofmor -11 principle go together, while girth and goodness are inseparable. Of course, as a rule proverbially have their exceptions, it is not impossible that a lean man may, under peculiarly favorable conditions, be a tolerable member of society and, by good luck, ; keep out of jail all his lite long. <>u the other hand, a fat man may not lx> a tolerable member of society, and may get into jail—as Tweed did, for instance—but he is not at all likely to do so. In fact, criminal statistics show that a hundred lean men are im prisoned for offense*against jterson or property where ene fat man falls from grace. Admitting the existence of exceptions, as I said before, we will be justified in affirming the rule that the chances are the leaucr a man is the more he is predisposed to felony by ! nature ami the fatter* man is the bet ter he is, morally and socially. I)o you see now where thescales will come in ? The nearer a fellow's avoirdupois grovels downward toward the contemp tible mark of 100 pounds, the more likely it is—whatever the evidence may be —that he deserve* punishment either for the thing alleged against him or something the court has not yet heard of; while the higher a man as cends toward the worth aad dignity of 300 (rounds the greater is the just pre sumption that he is kindly, honest, in nocent, or, even if in some small measure seemingly blamable, that be jis the victim of circumstance*. The day is coming, sir, when our courts will weigh not simply the evidence, but the accused, and give the fat man the benefit of the court, if there is any, every time. Look on the books of any prison in the land and see if the record, of convicted felon's weight is not a blazing torch of truth, in proof of what I say, to light the world to a higher appreciation of the moral beauty of adipose tsssue." Warden I'ox, at Penitentiary on Blackwell's Island then the reporter sought him for verification of what his fat friend bad sajd, replied : "Well, now that you call my attention to it, I must say that the infrequency of fat men being sent here is very remarka ble. We average about IKa) prisoners here constantly, and not two per cent, of them, in all the years I have had charge of this institution, have been men weighing 200 pounds. Even those who did attain tnat weight, or near to it, were generally big framed, raw-boned men, not what could prop erly be called fat men. Asa rule they weigh about 140 pounds, rather under than over. The heaviest crimi* nal we ever had here was Tweed, who is.recorded 263 pounds weight. The next heaviest is one we have here now, Jas. Williams, who was rent up for larceny a few days ago. He weighs 259 pounds. It would take a long Hearcli over the records to find any more coming near that figure. Fat men seem to bo too good uatured to like to injure other people. I'm not prepared to'say whether fat, develops goodness or goodnuw develops fat' but they eem to go together.' Anybody can see for himself that there is not in society any such disproportionate minority of fat men as 1 per cent. — the proportion of them that we have here. Consequently the inference is unvoidahle that the fat men do infi nitely less than their share in peopling penal institution*. And when they do come they are the best prisoners im aginable. We have far less trouble with large men than small ones. I can not think of any other peculiarity of (icrsoii that is so marked among criminals as general as that of small sire. We have red heads and black heads, and white faces and brown faces, low brows and high ones, bull necks and thin ones all in just about the same proportions that you will meet them about town any day. Hut when you come to lean and fut, there the line is wonderfully marked." Mark Twain's Early Life. W. L). llowells contributes to the Century a sketch of Samuel L. Clem eus ("Mnrk Twain"), in which the fol lowing incidents of his early life are given : "He got very little learning in school, and like so many other Ameruan* in whom the literary im pulse is native, he turned to the local printing office for some of the advan tages from which he was otherwise cut otr. Certain records of the three years sjicnt in the Hannibal Cotirier office are to lie found in Mark Twain's hook of sketches ; but I believe there is yet no history anywhere of the wanrterjahr in which he followed the life of a jour printer from town to town aud from city to city, penetrating even so far into the vague and fabled Fast as Philadelphia ami New York. He re turned to his own country sated, if not satisfied, with his travel, anil at seven teen he resolved to 'learn the river' from St. I/iuis ti New Orleans as a steamlsiat pilot. Of this period of his life he has given a full account in the delightful series of papers, 'Pilot ing on the Mississippi,' which he print ed seven years ngo in the Atlantic Monthly. The growth of the railroads and the outbreak of the civil war put an end to profitable piloting, and at twenty-four he was again ojien to a vocation. He listened for a moment to the lomllv calling drum of tha*. time, and he was actually in canip for three weeks on the rebel side ; but the unorganized force to which he belong ed was disbanded, ami he finally did not 'go with his section' either in sen timent or in fact. His brother hav ing been appionted Lieutenant Gover nor of Nevada Territory, Mr. Clemens went out with him as his private sec retary ; hut he s<x>n resigned his office nnd withdrew to the mines. He failed as a miner, in the ordinary seme; but the life of the mining ramp yielded him the wealth that the jwieketx of the mountain denied; he had the Midas touch without know ing it, an 1 all these grotesque experiences have since turn ed into gold under his hand. After his failure as a miner had become evi dent even to himself, he was glad to take the place of local editor on the Virginia City EnlerjirUe, a new>|aper for which he had amused himself in writing from time to time. He had written for the newspapers liefore this; few Americans escaped that fate; and as an apprentice in tha Hannibal Courier office his humor had embroil ed some of the leading citizens aud impaired the fortunes of that journal hy the alienation of several delinquent sutweriber*. "But it was in the Knterjirier that he first used his pseudonym of 'Mark Twain,' which ho borrowed from the vernacular of the river, where the man braving the lead calls out, 'Mark twain!' instead of' Mark two.' In 1 Hfi4 he accepted on the San Francis co Morning (Mil the same sort of place he had held on the Fjntrrpriee, and he soon made his m>m de qnerre familiar 'on that coast.' He not only wrote 'local items' in the Call, but he printed humorous sketches in various periodicals, and two yrers later he was sent to the Sandwich Islands as corres pondent of a Sacramento paper." Dear Obolly'sßet The Hot** RrporUr Sharpen* lfi.> Wil Againit an Animated Cigarette Holder. "Editor in?" "Yea," replied the horse reporter to the person asking tbe question—a young man with a tablespoon hat and a you may-kiss me-b u-don't you tell papa mustache, who stood in tbe door way—"the editor is in and the chances are that he prefers staying in, rather than run any risk of falling against w/vl . tf J 00* "Well, of course, you know," said theyouqg man,"very likely it wouldn't be absolutely necessary for me to see the really and truly editor about this matter that I wanted to have settled. It is a question to be answered, you know. "I should surprise," said the horse reporter, "thai an average deckbafid could successfully wrestle with any problem you could evolve." "Well, I don't know," continued the young man. "This is a real hard question, you know, and a good many of our set over on the West Side have tried awfully to settle it, but we ean't. I never saw auch a provoking thing in all my life, and last night I was talk ing with my room-mate about it, aud we got real angry, and it looked once as if we should strike each other. I wouldn't have had a row with (.'holly for anything, you know, because we have been in the same store for nearly three years now, and when he was pro moted to the ribbon counter he always spoke to me just the same as when we were Isith iu the threads." "In the what?" asked the horse re porter. "In the threads —the thread depart ment, you know, and 1 always said that nothing could ever make me go back on ('holly—you know how any thing like that makes two fellows aw ful chums." "Yes, I know," said the horse re porter, "hut what is your question ?" "Well, you see, some people are playing croquet and a rover is driven up close to the home stake. Now another man he is dead on the hall, hut having a stroke he plays on the rover ami forces it against tiie stake. Now I say the rover is dead and tin other fellows they say it isn't and we've been having an awful time about it over ou the West Hide, anil" "Yes, you told rne that before. Our croquet editor is away on his vacation. He spends it in the asylum for feeble minded people, getting |sint-rs from the inmates, but like enough I can fix this thing for you." "Oh! that'- awfully jolly. Have a cigarette ?" "No, thank you lum over nine yeais old. Hut about the croquet matter? Yob say the rover is close to the stake ?" "Ye*." "And the nxt player knock* it against the stake? " Yes." "And then the player after him claims that the rover is dead?" "Yes, that's it,aud they can't agree. "Well," said the home rejiorter, "I should say that the man who got the first knock down ought to win." "Hut they don't knock each other down. The don't quarrel at nil." "You -aid this was a iroquet game, didn't you ?" "Why, certainly." ''And they didn't quarrel?" "Why, of course not." "Then the faries are indeed kind to the dry g'sxl* clerks ami I can only say that your best plan is to disguim yourself with n cigar and ride down in the elevator." The Postoffiee at Iron Rod. The postoffice at Iron Kod, Monta na, has been discontinued, ami the ex planatiou is thus given hy an officer of the department: A posti ffice agent, while officially visiting various < Hi ••• iu Montaua Territory for the pur|*i-. ot^'correcting any irrogulariti-s of post masters, stopped at Iron Rod. Going into tiie postoffiee he found tin- r-nin divided into three sections—first a sa loon. next the postoffice. arid !at a fa ro hank. The mail hag w&s brought in, a roughlooking customer o|>ened it ami emptied the contents on the floor. The entire crowd at once got down on their hands and commenced ov< ahaul ing the letters, among which several were registered, and selected soch as they wanted. After they were through the remaining letters were shoveled in a caudle box and placed on the bar. The s|>ecial agent, thinking the office needed a little regulating, aked the barkeeper, who had received and dis tributed the mail, if he wa the post master? He answered, "Nrt." "Are you the assistant postmaster?" "No." "Where is the postmaster ?" "Gone to Hell'a Canon ; and by thunder Hill Jones has got to run this office next week ;iu bis turn." The government official then stated who he was aud de manded the keys of the office. Tbe bartender coolly took the candle box from the placed it on tbe floor and gave it a kick, sending it out the door, saying : "There's your postoffice and now git." The agent says: "Know ing the custom of the country I lost no time in following this advice, and got." This is why the postoffice at Iron Rod was discontinued. A IfEVADA MAN'S HATHIBG STORY. "Sine" Karnes tells a racy story of his experience at Santa Monies, the new summer resort of Southern California. "I was down in that section a few months ago, * said "Sine," and pretty nearly busted when I fell in with .Jones, the Senator, and told him my condition, lie fell right up abreast of the situation and told me be could give me a job. 'I want a lot of men to keep in tbe water all day to show visitors how dsligbtful surf bathing is. You see these people from the fast have acquired a sort of rrejudioe against tbe Pacific t>cean. and want to counteract the feelinc. I want you to boss eight men and keep them tumbling aroundjn the billow*, tbe sport of the laughing ea in striped costumes —men who can run out on the beach every ten minutes and tell bow warm tbe vyater is.' "Well, I caught the idea, and agreed to furnish the crowd at S2O a day. and we closed the bargain. I hired eight men at 91 a bead to bathe there all the afternoon, and I pocketed the balance. I got a green and blue striped suit, with tbe flag of the Union across the stoin ach. and rushed about keeping the gang alive. The second day they struck for #2 because the water was so ©old. I tried to explain about the trade winds and the harvest noon tidw, hut tliey wanted the money all the same. Then three quit, but Jones didn't miss cm. I kept even flenancially. Then two frose to death right on the beach, and I had to get a ooroner's jury to find a verdict from overussiing in lb* water The balance cf the gang left, hihl I had in go it alone. I got *" mured to tin- cold Hint I could rush out of the water skip up to Iho English tourist* ttnd tell 'cm it was just lovely and keep my teeth •till all the while. I got my f'JO>-vi iy i night, and *i'n t it lor warm drink*. | Then I quit, a* my conatitution wi giving way. When I left he had eight Iriahmi-n oil the railroad doing the bathing for the hotel, and they had a fire going <"i all the while hack o* •otno rock*, wheie the men could get up between swim". That IS a gtea' climate down there." A RHODE Ihi.A.MI Rlhtic'M An VEHTt'ttK. —A countryman on u visit to friends went u fishing. He caught a small pickerel. The fisherman was near-sighted and Ida ruoutli hud the linhit of standing ajar, utid therefore, owing to the shortness of sight, the fish ertnau's mouth came very near the tish when it was unhooked. Unexja-eted- Ijr, need one say, the fish, by a sudden jerk, unbooked itself, jumped into the man's mouth uud made straight for his throat and run part way in. A cat and a fish urc alike in one resjiect — they cannot be pulled by the tail the wrong way of the fur or scale. When the man attempted to tuke out Un fix!) his hack fin stood up and inter fered, uud the mun tan home to hi friendr, who pushed the fish down, and the fisherman hud dined. You may rise up and denounce the forego ing as a base fabrication, hut p< r-otia -nil be produced who will swear to tlio main facts in the case. Tin: Burlington liturgy sav - "The women in Kansas vote at tin sclnsd elect ion at < ).age t "itv one wo man went up to vote, hut liefore sin got through telling the judges what a time In-r Willie had with tin- scarlet fever when be wa- only two years oi l, it wa* time to close the jxill and sin had forgotten to des|msit the hailot. TRAVELER'S GUIDE. 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ARA A WBBR. lit a day si Is-ais resil; wsda tit Costly Owiflt tr*. AUCises XHI B A Cp An gweta, Maine I* I I'rofimalittHit r„ r <!*. C D. RAY, ATlllKSrv A I I. i I OUSTK l'A Rf-ft.l 't"i|t|„, .I.■. t ,1 ~ ' ••• >ltl'■* XlJoll.lnK llrxfhrrl- ft II 1.. , j , 'RILOMAS J. M.M U.OI M, • ATTOIIRKV AT I W, ' Oftr* 111 All—rt Un1.1i,., , 1 * ir M<|.i~i li, 11,. mim< y V. tt IMMIH* ■ f k t . t R HASTINGS A KKKDKIt, VRROIIXF.\> A7 LAW IIKLI.LMN / 1; J'A AN *)#•.* IF>I (., '(• <-*•! F U,,.,/. • V ' U L' L •> >•■ ftrm 'I LF Mil. A . IF. FF . 11. Y'jr t M I, |4H,m rKr|| V'X L'M A HARSHBEROER •I , n<l|i.M.V* A'l I.A* 1 * 111 1.1 KlnsTK. PA OJWI** II B MMM M ALL^c^, in tun r .m I|| |, i-I,I,I| I , y,, nm A llwfii.^a WIILHVA ILU<K, iiiriii | kki , MAftftt r , , , , VI W'AhI.ACK <V KKEBS, * f LAW UD < OtLB ii iM onl( r Jmiuir, 1. LAn I I I.K.AtHfcl.l,. I'A. I/LLIS L. OK VIS, ■ A . ATTOKMSF AT I* \W . 'I KGI ;IF) • H . TILT 94 I A . 0. PUMT • Dul.lin* |^( 6. F. ILtllVfttl C. M. ftowti. I LKXANDEK A BOWER, AlTol&MtlV AT LAW, Pm ii*nj l. ltt fcngliftb W f ( ltr umn • 11, <ii oifrfi* l)ui Mi, f I_lj I,'RANK JIELDIN'O, 1 l.\W AMI < <ll I 1' fl'lt UFl'l' P I- I) • IP.AKHI I.l' PA. ■""••A j oi.iri giM.Aii I >EA VER A UK I'll AI: T. ' * ITTOUn - A7 : N. (MBc* t'b lil*gh#Lj tr*.i, i Hi, ..f Jl,#b |k. I'FT nF. KORTNKV, • Arrul4.Mil AT LAW 220.127.116.11.4' )Mt P, L*t 4i*jf lolbf (ill ' II JOHN BLAIR LINN, *' ATI' 'JI.SH A. LA HIM.UJNTI lX \ ! • • w• ~ . . . • , . I L. HI'ANOLEK, * * • ITTOWIT.IT'UV, BKI.I.KPIi.V, ~ i , siM v. p., •ll#lltl ' V 'wtlKlllfel, (hwlMltlll H III* Ci tifU M *i*-t I R L A,UL 1-1 JR DB. KELLER, • ATTOK.MtT AT LAW. „.,<• <TI . . AIITTI FRVWLI • F !/}< I 0t rr.lt* I 1-ly r r C. IIUTLK, 1 • I :Ia U. LA ** K II AX IN TA All }<T HI I %TT* Tl>J*H| |I 11| \V M. R. MITCHELL. 1 F lucrii 11, KVCTDI l/ k IIA V! V PA Will FELL* NJ T *l' • rk IN (1T Ap)<], CVTFK *R T C>l.l ? ortlfaft** •MN' T lUti< STI ,|.i lift I, T \\* C. HKINLK, I IILI R- STK I A 11 •-T N • 11 <I < \ . 1 ,T. HIFIM K . 'i.< • .4 . ,-N FT All iiiitiift* I!I< ti |,i r|M 21-1 f \VILLIAM M< t LLOI Mi, *1 IMILKY AT U1 4 I LA lit 11 ll* I'A AT! | M< R .'■ I 1 t HK. HOY. M. I). • (MKV i> Coviti Q - ■ ■ a ■ I • • • *m*. 11 1.1.1 IM I. I'A* ll*Hll n , r*t, I <,,iftO*4 - -in *.t> ■ 0R I,l' I,1 IJ nil. .IAS. 11. DOBBINS. M. IL, ravin lA* xs ill IKJUH OFT< * AI • ICLFIIY M <.*•>• /• I I<• • T - • •?♦ I kI.LL |\H. J. W. RHONE, lUntiht, can L/ In IbiM •! hli fl ' • m • * < *' r.f IliyL •11 • I I>l ul AHkfl-rt • RT IAI Hit Hi tit** HA RNESS MANL*FACTORY In (imtinii KM HLK, HI TT.fcroXTlC PA ML 1/ P. IJLAIR, I • JEW 11.P.P. rri clnct. ... >t, . ,r. AH *frk N.II, nimnln.! On Atlrclirn, tn|, wlf Br *krli..|l ll"W I M DKALBKS IN I'fRE HKI'GSUNLY. ■ I ZBLLKRA SON, I 5 • I lit Ui.IMP, S> A. llT.w FC-.B J C All LH* llnlifi LUIOIL M'-JNINN P- * * •< nj-tkoift ftr>4 lun.tn H" |* iooifittlj *■ * M 4141 "d. hlf*. if .At 2 5 ML | t * ■. Po't. ' p. luiuuA 'ioVr. 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