The St. Louis Republic. [volume], March 03, 1901, Comic Section, Image 51

About The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919

Image provided by: State Historical Society of Missouri; Columbia, MO

                
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BUBBERINQ. Fliegenda Blaetter.
AN ELECTRIC BEEHIVE TRUST.
Great Scheme of Major Crofoot,
the Grand Promoter.
It 'wma the Mil collector for a coal dealer,
and he bad been instructed to talk straight
from the shoulder, and to take nothing but
cash for an answer. He was waiting at the
bead of the stairs, and the Major could not
Blip past him.
"Now, then," said the collector as they
entered the office and he produced a bill
for a ton of coal delivered during; the win-
1 1 $"
Pat electric lbrhts the bee hives and
clover field so the bees could
work at, sight
tar of US. "I am here to have this blU
squared."
"My dear man. I hope I haven't kept you
waiting on this?" replied the Major, with
real anxiety in bis tones.
"Only a year or so."
"Is It that long? Bless me, but why
didn't you send It In long ago?"
'It has been sent In about fourteen
tines."
"Dear ma, dear me, but I must have been
eut on these fourteen occasions! I can't
Just now recall why I didn't send the cash
with the order, but I never let my bills run
this way. Tea, It's over a year, I want to
thank you for your confidence in my finan
cial Integrity."
"You needn't, because I haven't any,"
was the calm reply of the collector.
"When a man shows his faith In Major
Crofoot, he makes no mistake. It Is bread
cast upon the waters, as more than one
man has ascertained to his benefit. Five
dollars for one ton of coal. This bill Is
correct, sir, absolutely correct, and It Is
with the greatest of pleasure that I shall
file It away among my papers."
Tm here for the money. Major, and I
don't mean to be put off."
"My dear man, I welcome you," cheerily
replied the Major as ho lighted a cheap ci
gar with one band and extonded the other
for a shake. "I would always rather hand
my check to a collector than run the risks
f the mails. I only wish you could have
made It convenient to call before."
"This Is my ninth visit, dr."
"Which shows your confidence) In me, and
makes me feel a bit proud. Tou could have
called forty or fifty tlmest but. knowing I
was good for the amount, you only called
Wne times. As X sold. It Is bread cast upon
the waters, and I will show you that Z am
not ungrateful."
"Tou will pay the bin, then?"
et me call your attention to my last
enterprise," said the Major as a dodge to
the, question. "Tou must have heard of the
various schemes I have promoted, schemes
backed by millions and paying tens of thou
sands in dividends, but I have Just worked
out the best thing yet Tou shall share in
It Tou hold a situation at probably 150 per
month. I presume you will be glad to ex
change it for one at $10,000 per year?"
off the perch. Major," said the
hard-hearted man. "I'm here for this bin,
and you can't bamboozle met"
"Papers of Incorporation are Just being
mode out, and will be ready In a week,
though we won't get down to work before
May. Tou know all about honeybees, of
course?"
"I've sat down on a few on the park
benches."
"The honeybee Is supposed to be a hustler,
but as a matter of fact he Isn't He can't
see before sunrise or after sunset and tfiat
makes short days. Suppose he could be
made to see all night long?"
"Double the honey, of course," replied
the collector.
"Exactly, exactly. Touve hit It Double
his working hours, and you double his
product plain as the nose on your face. To
do it you've got to turn night into day.
He's got to think it's high noon all the
time, and only stop for luncheon now and
then. Do you catch on?"
"Hardly erver."
"Electrio lights, my boy oro lights shin
ing on tbe hives and the clover fields. It's
my own original Idea; got It whllo I was
out in the country last summer, and It's
going to work to beat the band; have capi
talised the Electrio Association at JJ,000,000.
and the shares will soon be on the market
at par. I am president, of course, and you
shall be secretary. Now will you tell me
that Major Crofoot doesn't reward his
friends 7"
The Major smiled blandly and smacked
his lips unctuously and poked1 the collector's
nos laeeuousiy, out the man was not te
oe aenieo.
"I want m, Major." he said, without a
smile.
Tour satasr wiU be HMOO per year and
begin to-morrow."
"This bill must be paid."
"And as soon as the shares are Issued
Til pick you up $10,000 and carry them for
you, and they can be paid for out of your
dividends. Can you come In to-morrow at
about this hour and sign the paper7"
"1 shall be here to-morrow unless I get
my money, because 1 1 Intend to sit right
here."
"One light for every six hives of bees
and a light per acre In the clover fields,"
said the Major, as we walked about "We
double the work and double the product
and I've an Idea that the honey made at
night will be of a superior color and taste.
ve shall send samples to all prominent
people, and we'll get hundreds of certifi
cates In return. My dear man, let me con
gratulate you. The waters have brought
back your bread."
'ims coal bill. Major," said the collector.
I m here for the cash, you know, and soft
soap doesn't go."
"You-ypu have a bill against met
"I should smile."
"I had quite forgotten it How muck Is
"Same old JS."
"I suppose you couldn't call an hour
later, when the boy brings down the key
to the safe? I can't get at my check book
Just now."
"I shall continue to sit right here."
"But I won't put you to all that
trouble. Let mo run In on the lawjer and
see If he's ready to return the $20 I lent
him yesterday. Back in a minute."
The Major went out smiling and whist
ling, and the minutes nassed.
When they had become thirty the collec
tor got up and swore. When an hour had
passed he looked around with desperation
In his eyes. No one came in, and the fire
burned low, and he shivered.
At the end of two hours ho realized that
he had been bilked, and In his rage and
disgust he seized the office safe and tipped
It on its back. It did not fall with a dull
thud, but, with the noise of a dlshpan
dropping from Its nail. It was wood tinned
over and painted black. It was like the
grand promoter's various enterprises and
promises to pay. Philadelphia .Press.
Paid Costs.
The agriculturist from Red ford settled,
and he has been mad about It ever since.
"Of course I knoued that ole patryark of
the flock was cross-grained and llerable to
start troublo without no warnln". But I
uphole that I had a right tor feed my sheep
'longslde the road jest as long n I herded
'em and kept 'em (mm trcspassln' on my
neighbor's property.
'Now this feller came along with a pack
on his back. I'll bet that pack weighed
more'n me and him put together. I was
setttn' on the fence guardln' the sheep and
the ole buck was eatln' grass up on the
edge of the ditch and 'tendin' strictly to his
work. The peddler didn't ece me, he was
leanln' over so, but he see tbe buck and
give him a kick.
"I never knowed a critter could look so
Insulted. He throwed his head book, and
he had the finest pair o' horns ever gTowed
on a sheep. He took his bearin's, prepared
for a charge and then made a flyln' 'sault
and battery and knocked that peddler half
a rod. The pack busted and let out four or
five bushels of stockln's, gallowses, combs,
shawls, han'kerchlefs and cheap dresses.
"I fell often the fence laughln' to see the
wreck and the peddler squarln' off to fight
tho buck. I rushed atween 'em and klckod
the sheep Inter the ditch. The peddler was
a-ycllln' at me In Greek or Latin or some
Dooley: "What's tho matter wld ye, anyhow, Mick all tattered an' torrun
an bitten an' scratched all over?"
Mick: "Ay, nn me own dog done It! want homo sober last noight, an' tho
baste didn't know me!" Punch.
If 2k M$
' foe Tp Tjy-
Wj 111 'Miil
yj&&8BT Hi
Man With Tools: "Hullo, Jim! Wot arc yer doln 'ere? Caretikln'?"
Man on Steps: "No. I'm the howner, 'ere."
Man With Tools: " 'Ow 'u that?"
Man on Steps: "Why, I did a bit 'o plumbing In tho 'ouse, an' I took the
place In part payment for. the Job." Punch.
Tbe EoglliBraaii'i Fraak Toast.
A well-known local minister who has
Just returned from an extended Western
trip, tells the following:
"Recently in Los Angeles five prominent
gentlemen of foreign birth chanced to meet.
One was a Russian, one a Turk, one a
Frenchman, one an American and one an
Englishman. These gentlemen became
bosom friends and finally a champagne sup
per was proposed, at which each gentle
man, to be In keeping with the times, was
to give a toast to hl3 native country, the
one giving the best to be at no expense for
the wine. Here are the toasts given:
The Russian: "Here's to the stare and
bars of Russia, that were never pulled
down."
The Turk:."Here's to the moons of Tur
key, whose wings were never clipped.""
The Frechman: "Here's to the cock of
Trance, whose feathers were never picked."
The American: "Here's to the Stars and
Stripes of America, never trailed -in de
feat." The Englishman i "Here's to the rampln',
roarin' lion of Oreat Britain, that tore
down tho stars and bars of Russia, clipped
the wings of Turkey, picked the feathers off
the cock of France, and ran like from
the Stars and Stripes of the United States
of America," Albany Journal.
"Say, pa, somebody's being murdered up there!"
"O, no, sonnyl A man's having his tooth pulled without pain!" Der TJorfV
barbler.
A Peculiarity of Ills.
"Did you hear what Gazzam did when
be was hunting In the Adlrondacks?"
"No; what was It?"
"Shot his guide, mistaking him for a
deer."
"That's Just like Gazzam. He's always
making game of soma one." Detroit Free
Press.
other furrin' lingo, when the buck lifted
him ag'in and then sailed Inter a red dress
end went flyln' up the road with It over his
horns.
"I wasn't no ways to blame, but when the
peddler klm out the next day with one of
these here bluffin' lawyers I squared 'cm.
Jest as I gotji receipt In full, I'm blamed et
that ole buclTdldn't come through tho barn
door and butt tho lawyer ten feet Inter a
lilac bush. We argled fur three hours and
he let me off fur 12. I'd Jest like some Con
gressman ter tell me what show the poor
farmer has got?" Detroit Free Press.
A Theatrical Fame Fas.
"Strutter lost his engagement with that
hlstorlcal-play company."
"What was the matter?"
"Oh, in signing documents on the stage
the quill pen wouldn't work, and he
snatched out his fountain pen." Detroit
Free Press.
"Unhealthy."
"What's your man's specialty?" asked
the Mayor of Hot Dog.
"Llitln' horses," sold the advance agent
of the strong man.
"Well," sold tho Mayor, "I shore admire
your gall fer ownln' up to it but I'll tell
you beforehand that llftln' hosses Is a
mighty unhealthy game In this 'here sec
tion." Indianapolis Press.
From the Pyramids.
"If an empty barrel weighs ten pounds
what can you fill It with to moke It weigh
seven pounds?" asked Senator Depew of
Senator Spooner.
"Have to give It up," replied Mr. Spooner.
"Fill It full of holes," answered Mr. Depew,
and they both laughed. Exchange.
Sharps and Flat.
The late Sims Reeves, when a young man,
received singing lessons from a teacher con
spicuous alike for his ability and brusquo
manner. One day while at lesson Sims was
requested to sing a verse of a then popular
scng. He had scarcely sung the first line
when his teacher abruptly Interrupted him
with "Stop, sir, you are fiat very flat."
"And you, sir, are sharp very sharp," was
the Instant retort of the famous tenor, as
he picked up his music and Indignantly left
the room. Brooklyn Eagle.
Horace Greeley, writes A. K. McClure, In
February Success, was lavish in his gifts,
often to most unworthy recipients, and was
A Hoodoo Rooster.
"Chicken stealing Is as natural to a Tar
Heel negro es snuff rubbing is to a poor
white in the mountains of Tennessee," said
Mr, Frank Van Hannlng of North Carolina
at the Shoreham lost night "The negro
simply cannot help but steal a chicken when
the opportunity utters. The Ingenuity of
the defense they make when caught how
ever, goes a long way sometimes to mitigate
their offense. The story of how Sam John
ston, a notorious chicken thief in the neigh
borhood where I lU'e, escaped tho conse
quences of one particular larceny Is well
worth repeating. Johnston's salvation lay
In the fact that the chicken he had stolen
was the property of another negro, a very
prosperous farmer, but who, nevertheless,
had all the superstition of his race. Sam
was caught red-handed In possession of. a
fine rooster belonging to the negro farmer,
and he wa3 arrested and hauled before a
Justice of tho Peace for trial. His defense
was that the rooster he had filched was a
'hoodoo,' which had designs on the farmer's
family, and that out of pure philanthropy
he had taken the fowl and was In the act
of carrying It to a solitary place in tho
woods where a white owl would sit In Judg
ment and order the execution of tho 'hoo
doo.' The story wouldn't go with the court,
of course, but the prosecuting witness be
came terror-stricken and refused to appear
against Sam, and, moreover, ho begged Sam
to take the rooster and carry out the orig
inal programme. Sam seemed reluctant but
when the farmer pleaded with tears In his
eyes ho finally gave a grudging consent and
departed with the 'witch,' rooster In a bag.
I should have liked to look, in on the feast
which took place that night" In the humble
cabin of the virtuous Sam." Washington
Post.
Baxter: "Don't you think there ought to
be a different word for the typewriter and
tha voune woman who onemtes It?"
Tetlow: "Oh, I don't know. The two are
very much alike. It costs a good deal to
keep either in ribbons." Boston Transcript.
most sensitive when admonished on the sub
ject by even his closest friends. He leaned
thousands of dollars to a scapegrace son of
Commodore Vanderbllt, and. when Vander
bllt appealed to him to stop It, Greeley
curtly closed the conversation by saying he
did not expect the Commodore to pay the
loan.
In one of the many conversations I had
with htm In his dingy office In the old
Tribune building. I ventured to suggest that
he was a more generous giver than his
means Justified; to which he answered:
"Well, I guess that's so, but I can't stop It.
I am like the Southern planter who, after
spending the proceeds of his crop In winter
reveling, closed, up tho account by selling
a nigger; I do It by selling a. share of the
Tribune." He originally owned nearly or
quite one-half the paper. When he died he
had but one share remaining of the 100.
and
Pointed Saying's.
Interest makes some people blind.
others quick-sighted. Baumont.
We lose the peace of years when we hunt
after the capture of moments. Bullvtr.
If honesty did not exist we ought to In
vent it a3 the best means of getting rlctb-.
Mlrabeau.
If there Is any person to whom yon feel
dislike, that Is the person of whom, you
ought never to speak. Cecil.
There is no beautlfier of complexion, or
form or behavior, like the wish to scatter
Joy and not pain around us. Emerson.
Hapy the man to whom heaven has given
a morsel of bread without laying him under
the obligation of thanking any other for It
than heaven Itself. Cervantes.
Where Bo Got It.
"T see that Jones, the Northern writer,
has made quite a success with Southern ,
dialect stories."
"Tes; he once passed through the South
In a sleeper, and heard a white man enssra.
a nigger in Tennessee!" Atlanta Constitution.
Ronaac.-
After the Joust the vlctorlojj Sir Lame
fal knelt at the feet of Clara Vera de Vera,
"Oh. what a name thou hast made for
thyself I" murmured tho fair lady, shyly.
Time had been when the knight would
have raised his eyes ardently and exclaimed!
"Not for myself! For theel"
But now he protested, not tmbttterlyt
"Not for myself! For some three-lnoh
collarl"
None knew better than Sir Launfal that
the mission of Romance Is no longer what
it was. Detroit Journal.
Missionary: "Ohyou mnst not eat me. I'm a vegetarian."
King Ki Ki: "Oh, what a treat. We know how other missiona ries taste, but this Is the first time
we ever had a chance to try a vegetarian." Fliegende Blaetter.
As Usual.
Clerk: "Madam, you wiC have to de
scribe the contents of the pocketbook you
lost"
Mrs. Shoppe: "Well, it contained four
hairpins, a buttonhook, a lace handker
chief, four stamps, six rainy-day skirt
samples, my lorgnette, a safety pin. and"
Clerk: "That will do; this was a pocket
book; the lost baggage department Is on tha
second floor." Ohio State Journal.
She Knew the Symptoms.
Visitor: "Ah! What a picture of lnnocenos
that child" is!"
Mother: "Dear me! I hadn't noticed! Ger
trude, what have you been doing?"--Stray
Stories.
Prophets of Evil.
We Jest ain't had no winter
But little frost wuz split;
But purty soon you'll hear the cryl
"The fruit
Crap's
Klltl"
You'll see the peach blooms wither
The watermelons wilt;
Fer low an' high you'll hear the oryi
"The fruit
Crap's
Kilt!"
Atlanta Constitution.
THE MISTAKE.
i
Two Harry Calls.
Little Freddie: "Please. Mr. Druggist,
papa wants a bottle of liniment and mam
ma wants a bottle of china cement right
away,"
Druggist: "All right Whatfs wrong?"
Freddie: "Mamma hit papa with the su
gar bowL" Baltimore American.
An Escape.
The traveler from Mars, having Just
alighted, gazed with wonder upon the waste
of ruins. "Strange," he murmured. "This
aggregation of noble 'dwellings seems to
have been visited by some fearful destruc
tive catastrophe."
After much search he discovered a cower
ing creature beneath a heap of broken
hogsheads and shattered mirrors. "What
nation Is this?" he Inquired.
The inhabitant blanched, "Carrie Nation,
ye dinged fool!" he shrieked, and withdrew
shuddering.
"I must be In Kansas," cried the stranger,
and, leaping upon his aeroplane, he con
vulsively grasped the lever and shot Into
the ether. New York Press.
Jocular in Spite of It.
"Halloa! Halloa! Is this the gas compa
ny's office?"
"Yes; what is it?"
"When do the entries for the next races
open?"
"We don't know anything about the
races; this is the gas office."
"Correct; but I thought yon could tell
me."
"Why, what do you want to know for?"
"Oh, nothing particular. I have a gas
meter I would like to enter, that's all?'
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II
THE GOOD OLD TIMES.
Private: "The new powder-house has just blown up.'
Captain: "oee whiz! Where is the sentlnelr
Private: "Luckily, bo wa sitting; in tbe tavern." MegsendorftcBIastteri
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