The St. Louis Republic. [volume], April 07, 1901, Comic Section, Page 3, Image 55

About The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919

Image provided by: State Historical Society of Missouri; Columbia, MO

                
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THE REPUBLIC: SUNDAY. APRIL 7, 1901.
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"jBf- THE LOST BALL.
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The ProfeHBor'a Snectbcnrt,
He brought his book of poetry
Philosophical and brand-new;
And then, to make the book go down.
He brought her candy, too.
3 Chicago Record.
Tim -ETERNAI.. FEMIKIXB.
Maud: "Why don't jou join our celibacy
club?"
Ethel: 'Tm afraid It would tempt me to
Bt married." Judy.
A Financial Qnlckmind.
"Would jou like an Increase of salary,
llr. Smith 7"
"No; it's no use."
"St use?"
"If I had more money, Pd have to pay
more debts." Detroit Free Press.
"Hew many persons can you crowd Into
a tram?" I nsked the conductor.
"That depends on whether they are mar
ried folks or cnnplcs thinking about It,"
he replied. Tid Bits.
t
Pompous Publisher (to aspiring novice in literature): "I have been
reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it I
think ahem! very good. But, there are parts somewhat vague.
Now, you should always write so that the most ignorant can under-
Youthful i, , t
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"What makes those people walk
"They are in the habit of riding a
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-Punch.
"iv.; r- J--V,TJ-'v'''t? --W J
STOKY OP THE
YOUNG PHARMACIST.
Before purchasing this uptown drug
store the graduate in pharmacy, whose
father 1ml let him have the money to go
Into business for himself, spent about h:ilf a
day In standing across the street. In a spot
whero lie wouldn't attr.net attention. In
order to watch the doors of the drug store
so as to find out what sort ot a trade it
had. The, number of persons he saw going
into the store satisfied him. and so he paid
the figure and took the store over. He closed
the plant up for a couple of days In order
to lur.c repairs made and to restock, and
then opened up for business, a fine feeling
of proprietorship inllating him.
Quitu a lovely young thing, with a huge
feather boa. was t lie ilrst to enter.
"1 want a l!-cent stamp." she said, ten
dering the joung graduate In pharmacy a
J20 bill.
"Kr till I don t believe I can change that
note, said the new proprietor, wonamng
inwardly at the nerve nf the lovely .oung
thing and saying to himself, "It's a won
der she wouldn't offer to buy a nickel piece
of soap or something to have that bill
changed."
"Oil. Indeed!" said the lovely young crea
ture with the boa, haughtily. Sho gave the
oung pharmacist a freezing succession or
looks and swept out.
A little boy was the next. Ho had a piece
of piper In his hand, and he walked heM
tatlnnly up to the new proprietor of the
drug tore.
"Ah. just let me have that prescription.
my little man," said tlio pharmacist, ex
tending his hand.
"It ain't no scrlptlon." replied the kldlet.
"Maw she wants f set th' kitchen clock.
nn' she snys v me t come ncre nn nn i
what time It Is an t' have th man put it
Peasant (at the durg store): There's the meanest man yet! He act-
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O
that way?"
tandem."
A WARNING.
ifitiWi a 1 1 1 iiih
:ilitnmi Wvj .Jr m II i'A.arfliin'i3",
li KlS iJ
New Cook (who has jnst been scolded): "I must call your attention
t the fact that I am writing my autobiography, and everything you
Lave BBH to me wiU oon appear in print." -
-Fllegende Blaetter.
wouldn't
held out tho
piece of paper. The young graduate In phar
macy disappointedly took It and Jotted
down the lime on It and the boy plodded
out. Tho new proprietor Idly picked up the
little frame that ho had already bought for
the purpose of framing the tlrst bill he took
in over tho counter nnd sighed a bit.
The next was a llttlo girl.
"Well, what did your mamma send you
for?" asked tho new proprietor, beaming
upon the child.
"Mamma didn't send me," said tho little
girl, "but I came over to see If you had any-
old cigar boxes. I want to make a wagon
for my dolly."
Tho new proprietor plowed around In his
cigar show case, found an empty clgat- box
and handed It over to the child with an
other stilled sigh.
Tho next to come In was a middle-aged
man, not badly dressed.
"Hey. there, doc! What's good for a
stomach ache?" he inquired of the young
graduate In pharmacy. "My youngest boy
Is bcllerin' with a stomach ache, and my
wife's downtown, and I don't know what
to do for him."
"Why, Jamaica ginger's a pretty good
thing for that," said the young graduate
In pharmacy, starting for the part of the
store where he kept his stock of Jamaica
ginger.
"That so?" said the middle-aged man,
starting for the door. "Good thing. I've got
a bottle of that over at the house, and I'll
give the kid a dose of it," and he went
out.
Another small boy slouched In, clutching
a dime In his grimy little right fist.
"Paw, he wants a pack of playln' cards
f r 10 cents," said the youngster.
"Don't keep playing cards, son," replied
the new proprietor, a bit curtly. "Neither
-Hcltere Welt.
do I keep hay or horseshoe nails." he
growled under his breath as the boy ambled
out.
A hatchet-faced woman rushed In a little
later on.
"Young man," said she to the new pro
prietor, "do you know where tho Tlnka
tink family, that used to lUe up the street,
are living now?"
"No'm," replied the young graduate In
pharmacy, drearily.
"Don't know where they moved to?" said
the hatchet-faced woman In a tone of sur
prise mingled with reproach, "Why, that is
queer. Are you perfectly sure that you don't
know where the Tinkatlnks moved to?"
"Yes'm," replied the pharmacist.
"Yes'm what?" said tho hatchet-faced
woman raucously. "Do you mean that you
do know where the Tinkatlnks moved to
and just don't want to tell me?"
"I never heard of the Tlnkatlnk family In
all my life, ma'am," said the new proprie
tor, miserably.
"Well, why didn't you say so In the first
place?" wrathfully declaimed the hatchet
faced woman, moving toward the door.
"Tho Idea of your beeping me waiting this
way! the very Idea!" and sho banged the
door as she went out.
A fat, rosy-faced, well-groomed man was
the next to enter.
"Well, I ought to sell this one a bottle or
tooth powder or something," said the young
pharmacist to himself as ho advanced.
"Morning." said the rosy-cheeked man.
"I'm Doctor Pulsefeel. practicing around the
corner. Bo glad to send you my patients
living In this neighborhood. Nice little place
you've fitted up, eh? How's trade?"
"Well, I haven't had an Idle moment
since I took down tho shutters," truthfully
replied the young graduate In pharmacy.
Washington Star.
"What's your faro?" asked old Fllntskln
of his cabby tho other day. and was met
with the stereotyped reply:
"Well, sir, I will leavo that to you."
"Thank you; you're very kind!" said old
F., buttoning up his pockets and walking
off. "You're tho first person who ever left
me anything yet." Tid Bits.
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down on a piece o" paper, so's I
ferglt it." and tho youngster held
INDUCTIVE
- m -"----
Tommy I smell apples.
Mamma I guess you Bmell those apple parings on the plate.
Tommy No, 'taint that. I smell
It la Mraterjr.
"There'B one fact," remarked the Sweet
Thing-, "I can't understand about discover
ing these new stars."
"What's that?" asked the professor.
"How they manage to find out their
names." Philadelphia Press.
"Where nre you rushing so fast?"
"To the health office to get vaccinated."
"Eh? Been exposed?"
"Yep. Telephone girl this morning gave
the pesthouse number by mistake!" Cleve
land Plain Dealer.
The busy bee 13 now engaged i
In storing tons of honey;
And man. anon, will busy bo
In turning It to money.
exchange.
RYBBONS'S DOCTOR ADVISES niM THAT HE NEEDS EXER
CISE AND
THIS HAS BEEN RYBBONS'S DAILY WORK FOR YEARS.
London Scraps.
A Woman and an Umbrella.
From tho Chicago Tribune.
"Why Is a woman like an -umbrella?"
asked the exchange editor.
"Because she's made of ribs and attached
to a stick," replied the Information editor.
"Why Is"
"Wrong. Guess again."
"Becauso she always has to be shut up
when"
.M. . ., (
isawi ion iausuo me.
"Because she stands in the hall and" I
"Naw! It's nothing about standing In the
hall."
"A woman Is like an umbrella because
nobody ever gets the right one. Why Is"
"Ring off! That Isn't the answer either."
"It's a better one than you'vo got."
"Don't you reckon I know whether it is
or not? Whose conundrum is this, yours or
mine?"
"Well, she's Hko an umbrella because
It Isn't because sho fades with age. Is It?"
"You ought tjo be ashamed of yourself."
"I am. Is It because you heve to put
up when It's cloudy and threatening no.
that can't be It. Because she's a good thing
to have In the house. Why Is"
"You're not within four counties of It."
"Because you can't find any pocket In
either. Why Is"
"Xo choice. Vote again."
"I won't! A woman isn't like an um
brella. There Is not tho slightest re
semblance. You go on with your work and
let me alone."
"I knew you couldn't ,Eue!3 It. It's be
cause she's accustomed to reign."
Then the Information editor rose In his
wrath, and they were only prevented from
doing mischief to each other by prompt
and wholly unexpected work on the part
of the labor editor.
Somewhat Mixed.
Miss Budd: "Is an amethyst supposed to
be unlucky?"
Mrs. Malaprop: "Well. If he ain't he
oughtcr be. Anybody that don't believe In
God don't deserve to have any luck."
Philadelphia Press.
"Why did you break off your engage
ment?" "I don't know. I saw a pained ex
pression cross his face one night when she
asked him if Joan of Arc was Noah's wife;
but, of course, a trivial thing like that
wouldn't 'cause It." Indianapolis Sun.
Johnny Smart: "There's a big difference
between my teacher and a streak of light
ning." Mrs. Smart: "How so, dear?"
Johnny Smart: "He strikes several times
in the same place." Exchange
How the Dinkelspiels lost their
chapters,
t-r. 5-v.-,?rir
PHILOSOPHY.
whole apples.
The King.
Economy.
"Old Tlteflst couldn't bo persuaded to
walk the quarterdeck, notwithstanding the
fact that the captain gave him a personal
Invitation to do so."
"Why not?"
"Somebody told him that the deck got
Its name from the fact that every time a
passenger uses it ho has to give a quarter
to the steward." Cleveland Plain Dealer.
nia Resret.
"Perhaps1 posterity will recognize the gen
ius displayed In your new drama."
"Yes," answered Mr. Stormlngton
Barnes. "But the difficulty Is that, so far as
I am concerned, posterity Is on the free
list." Washington Star.
Tfot In a Condition.
"Didn't your wife sympathize with you
when you had the grip?"
"No; sho had It herself." Detroit Fred
Press.
"And If your party came suddenly to a
stream," said tho storyteller, "too deep for
your horse to wado over, too wldo for It to
jump over, and too swiftly flowing for It
to swim over, what would you do?"
"Why, that's easy," said one of the party;
we'd sit down and think It over." Tonkera
Statesman.
--MaaBiaaaaaatannaaBannnaBaaBaBnaBBaBBBBaBBaBBBBaaBBamnaBaiajaMBM
pigs A bit of nonsense in four
Fllegende Blaeter.
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THE ACROBATIC PADEREWSKt.
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fit ghmewi Wi lUt
tt: i f t 1 1 1 i 1 1 1 ni i m 1 1 1 1 1 1 AM
,
m,L V J '. . " l ? know 'ou mustn't
make fun of old people? Don't you remem
ber about the hoyg who made fun of a bald
headed man. and he called an old bear out
- iii w,00Land sne ate up forty of those
cnildren? What do you think of thatV'
The Bo-3 (greatly impressed): "My! that
old bear must have been mighty hungry,-.
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