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THE REPUBLIC: SUNDAY. WXY 18, 1902.
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HF. WAS CUT
Tre professn- i. busily cngigi-1 in his studv and therefore will not receive any call
ers Euuo nh th-re is a imjd rapping ai hir door and as it does not cea-e, he goes to
the ''or and says, angrily. "Don't you see Uiat I am not at home to-daj ?" rilegende
Teacher: "Tan too tc'l m- what a secret Is?"
Boy (a sausagemakcr's sun): "Yes. What my father makes his sausage of." Flie
ADVICE TO YOUNG DOCTORS
Tourur doctors should always hurry along
t a. breakneck pace, this gives "the Idea
that you are much In request.
I.t the patient"! wait a pood time before
thv can see you this -n 111 Improve your
reputation in the lone run
If you are called to at a Tory Influential
patient, hire a carriage, if only for half un
Tf yt- are at a meeting or concert, al
ways pet a frlntl to summon you away
in a dreadful hurry
Visitor at Insane Asylum: "What made
this poor fHow Insane''"
Attendant "Because the girl that he
loved Jilted him "
Visitor: "And what was the cause In the
case of No. 9 here"
Attendant "O, he married the girl that
jilted No. 6!" Das Klcine Witzblatt.
Amrndcil f Snit.
"How did your Chicaco friend make his
"Tes, born with a silver knife in his
mouth, as it were." Philadelphia I"resr.
Offered ?.o Enronraspmrnt.
Apent "Have you need for any licht
ninff rod- to-day. sir""
Amateur Farmer: "No. str: I don't pro
pot to encuuruKe llshtnins hues on mj"
farm. sir." Ohio State Journal.
Tlie Written PropnsnI.
Scribbles. "I wrote a story once that
came near winning; a srrO.W") priie "
Ih-Ibbles: "What pide-tracked you""
Scribbles: "The cirl's father." Chicago
A niClrtilt Case.
First lawyer: "How did jou come out In
cettlln-; up old Gotrox'E eetateT
Becond Lawj-er: "It was a hard strus
"Tes; I haxl hard work to keep the helr
from Renins part of the estate." Ohio
PtAte Jourr a I.
"What an original fellow he Is:"
"Yes, He has, mjdo a study of it."
A Chee'ful Oiver: "And aren't you golmr
to cive your penny for the poor heathen"
asked the Sunday school teacher reproving
ly. "Oh. I s'pose." replied little Bobble. s,s
he held It out relunctantly, "if you think
tiey need it wurre "n I do." Ohio State
He; "Wise men hesitate; only fools axe
Bhe: "Are ou sure?"
He: "I'm quite certain of it:"
Then she laughed. Exchange.
- I. A-XJO-IiS.
"My entire clerical force went out on
strike westerday." said Bluffman.
"That so?" replied the caustic man.
"What was his grievance?" Philadelphia
Cettlnc Cirntefnl Glanc-e.
She- "Sometimes I think you don't love
me any more."
He (reproachful!! : "How could I love
you any more" Snmerville Journal.
Where She Cirnrrnlly Wore It.
Of court the conJuetor never knew why
she giKgleil when he remarked
"Careful, miss; ala) get off a car with
your faco In front "Baltimore News.
The Only Onn Who Itecaird It So.
"Over in Prance tliey hold their elections
"This roust make Hunduy a pretty wrious
day for the candidates."
Just a Illnff.
Oty Editor: "Why do ou Insist that the
Colonal Is a candidate? Didn't he tell ou
fellon-s that ho wasn't"
Political Reporter. "Yes; but the very
next minute he Invited us to have a drink "
His Doc: "How Is the courtship getting
Her Dog: "Not very fast. They still talk
about books." Detroit Free Press.
Jlmson: "Where did Whlrler. the great
four-revolution otueraaultlst. learn to do
Jester: "I believe he used to live In
Venezuela." Boston Post.
"There's a boy that'll be Pre-ldent o'
the United States soma day"'
"I know It. Ain't a horse in the country
that kin throw him!" Atlanta Constitution.
A Qnestlon of Vital Importance.
The youns man looked proudly at the
Fwet faced girl beside him
I "Dearest." he .said. "I would urge you to
I marry me at once, but for one horrible.
"A doubt. Edgar? Why, what can It be""
"I will tell you my love. You know what
my salary is. You know just what our tx
pectutions are. With care we could get
along nicely "
"We could get along nicely If I could be
convinced of one thing."
"What is that .Ixlgar?"
"Do you can you will you try to get
along with out beef?" Hxchange.
Slayine: "Fee the lovely solitaire engage
ment ring Jack gave me. Isn't It a
Kdjth: "It certainly 1. By the way,'
ilt-ar. what i Jack's occupation?'
Mayme- "He lb superintendent of a glass
Edyth- "Htm! 1 thought so." Chicago
K "huii-- 1 t.
"I am afraid " said the high-brow ed bard,
"that my poetry will nver attract public
"Cheer up," said the loyal companion.
"Jla-.l)'- vuu'll gel appointed to othce cm- of
these days and then everybody will talk
about your poetry." Washington Star.
A htronsr Hint.
"I see that a Southern man is suing a
seciet society for JCG.CfO damages because
he was Injured riding on a wooden goat."
"Thi" ought to make the blamed idiots
that want to bo Initiated understand that
thej'd better get a little practice m ridln'
before they make their dayboo '" Ex
change. Th.- liiMiliil.
So greatly her doctor's bill bhock-'d her
She cried: "I shall have to get better.
I mut either get rid of this Dr.
Or eNe be forever hi Dr "
Will It Come to Tills?
"You admit you stole th- horse?"
"Yes. your honor, but there are extenuat
"What are they?"
"I stole the horse for my starving family,
your honor." Exchange.
Her Nnlilf Ileril.
"No wonder he low hr! Didn't she save
"Whr. he said if "-he didn't a-cvpt him
he'd go and kill himself, and she took him."
JjliIr-ShnTT Difllcnlties. '
"What's the matter now " asked the tat
Yh.' replied the fire eater, "the beard
ed 'lady' says he'll get haved if the man
ager doesn't pav h:m his last week's sal
ary." Philadelphia Bulletin
"Is he a verv reckless chauffeur?"
"Jteckless" Wh-.. when the town authori
ties see him starting they order out the
ambulance." Chicago News.
"Yes. Pilciier brok' down and had to go
away for his health "
"What was the matter with him?"
"Every complaint known to man."
"How could that be?"
"He was a rental agent." Indianapolis
Mrs. Qulzzer- "What did our pastor
preach about thl morning. William""
Husband: "About an hour and forty min
utes." Ohio State Journal.
She: "I want you to see. my new piano
the next time vou call "
He- "When do you expect to get It""
-'lie: "Oh. In a bout six months." Ch'cago
"He claims to ! a gaod Jirfge of horse
flesh." "So be !. He has lived In a cheap
boarding-house for years "
Mickey: "Wot made yer quit yer job,
Jimmie: "Cos de boss had a record of all
me relations wot died lat summer, an' he
wouldn't let me use none of 'em over again.
If I don't git n new job I can't set no ball
The Cook: "Ol'm sorry, mum, but the
wnlkin' dillgate av th' Suprame o--av
Cooks hov ordher"d me f throw up me
Mrs Subbub CtearfuIIy): "Oh! Norah!
What have I done""
The Cook: "Navrthln". mum. but yer fool
ish husband got bhaved In a nonunion bar-be"-
shop, th' day before yisterday "Brook
A Pmiltltlilt !.iitiiie.
"Don't Kii lmd it !- trwng." she a!;e.l
tht great man. 'to have to furnish our
nntom-apl- to mi man pei-'stent peopV""
"Oh. no" lie .-in-wT'tl ' mor of tVm
send stamps, and I ifti-rn tin .lulograph on
a postal card " Baltlmuie ?."--ws.
O) The Dog: "Thl sort of thing gives (2) "It's rettimr too k1owt wnnf .!.
me the pip! Fat Freddie taking me out ment. That lazy kid would stay there for
hours smoking. 1 tee he's tied the cord
round his waist, so, s Freddie won't take
(3) "Blowed If I don't take him!"
for exercise. Indeed!"
Aunt Sadie: "I fear Robert Is an awfully
careless fellow; I heard him say that ho
dropped t.W in the street yesterday."
Geraldlne: "Pa says his foot i sleep."
Gerald: "Tell him not to wake It on my
account." The Smart Set
Patron: "When am I going to ge.t my
dlnner? I'-e been waiting here twenty min
utes." Waiter: "That's more than I can tell,
sir. and I've been waiting here twenty
"Papa, were we descended from mon
keys?" "Not all of us, my boy. some were ascend
ed "Detroit Free Press.
Customer: "I'd like a piece suitable for a
Meat Market Man: "How much, mad
am?" Customer. "As much as I can Re for
half a dollar. I want to make a roast beef
sandwich." Chicago Trlhune.
Thr Modrrn Method.
"I am writing a Etory of a struggling Inventor."
"It won't do." answered the abruptly J
critical friend. "Inventors don't struggle
nowadays. They let the people who are
eager to "buy stock do the struggling."
"Whenever I'm Inclined to los my tem
per." said the philosophic man, "I just think
to myself: "Oh. there's no use getting
"So do I." replied the excitable person,
"and that makes me all the madder."
Tteanoa Enoaich. '
"What reason Is there for the notion that
It Is especially unlucky to marry in May?"
"I don't know, unless It is that an espe
cially large number of people have been
married In May." Smart Bet.
The young gentleman who is like Irvin-;
except wjit-n he In acting
Visitor to the Pri-oner. "I supiose this life
of jouro in here is a continual torture."
Convict: "Oh. no. Not so bad as that. We
don't have isitors- every daj. you know."
A Scientific 1'art.
Doctor: "Speaking of your trouble with
your husband, do you know that it Is a
scientific fact that meat causes- bad tem
per?" Mrs. De Jarr: "Oh. vrs. I have noticed It
always does, and especially .whn It's
burnt." New York Woeklv.
A l.uxur? Mlsietl.
The man who never makes mistakes
Must forfeit much delight;
He cannot feel the sweet surprise
Of sometimes being right.
"Sirs Talkmgton's husband ought to be
a good listener "
"He Is He can listen to nearly two hun
dred words a minute "Smart Set.
iitnrnl Cluf-Mlinn. ,
Mrs. Hoon (in the midst of her reading):
"Ah! Mrs Congrcfman Swackli immer has
started a crusade against decollete gowns "
Mr. Hfuiii. "H'nr Is .Mrs. Congressman
Swackhammer sensible or skinnv?" Smart
Tlio !niliNit'nHliIf- llqulnr.
Oh. the Ulng niaehine raim" day will fty
And thro 'gb th.- ether roam.
But on Its collapse
The horse, perhaps.
Will be asked to haul it home.
Judge- "Your wife has brought suit
against vou for desertion, sir. What have
you to pay for jourself?"
Arcustd: "It was this way. your Honor:
You fa my wife asked me to beat the car
J'.dge: "Enough, you are discharged."
Onio State Journal.
A LIFE SAVER.
I i -i iv a. -a U I
I I i e n ? niaBtk. L ti
kv.v - iv vj r
''sf-ikTir'Tr "iriav D'Uvit"
l .J i.i.
Bulkley tried the garden roller to reduce
But alter his providential "scape from
go'ng down lm the we 1 he has decided to
lemaln as he Is
Election Day in the South.
"Well, old man. you're with me In this
election, ain't you?"
"Marse Jim. did I ever fall your'
"No, but one can't always- tell how things
are going, you know. Is there anything I
can do for yon?"
"No. suh not ez I knows on onlesa von
got 'bout -lx dollars wuth er hoase rent In
"Here it Is."
"En three dollars wuth er groceries"
"Here's the money."
"En two dollars -wuth er street tax."
"I'll fix it."
"En a couple er loose dollars, po'i ef I
drp dead dey'Il fin' enough in my pocket
ter sen me home, In a cab."
"Is that .-.!!?'
"Oat's all. suh: 'cept dat I so glad ter see
you I feeU lak takln' a dram ter drink
yo' good heltl" Atlanta Constitution.
The parties to the latest French duel were
arrcated and Sued for reckless shooting and
damaging the public trees. Atlanta Constitution.
jlakiiiR a Vpnotian niind.
An Irishman out of work applied to th
"bos" of n large repair shop for a "job."
After quizzing him for sum tlm-. the su
perintendent put him this question:
Office Boy "I'm getting tired of this job.
Here's the boss left roe another epring poet
to sweep out."
"Do you know anything about carpen-
"Sure. I'd like to see the man that ran
bate me at It."
"Do you know how to make a Venetian
"I do that "
"Tell me. then, how you'd make a Ve
"Sure, I'd pike me finger In his eye."
"What is your fortune, mv pretty maid?"
"3Iy face is my fortune. s:r." she said.
"Oh. is it, ral!y?" Then. I seo
You've made It all up yourself," said he.
Madge. "I have n second cousin who Is
married to a. Count."
Danlc : "That's nothing. My father tents
his office from a man who has been pre
sented at caur:." Chlcaso Hicord-IIcralJ.
Lodging-h'" -- Ki net " sfa
you Marj.ii -i 'et- .tr m n
Servant (thu itenus:1. "Air I'
ter. so there'"-Tin- King
' u - ir-TTh s rtoficH "I warn
-m n. fvt m i- about nu '
' .a i ft Dimation of charac-
PATE CAME AS A FAT MAX.
i ipii csfei
I W! F - TT li;"Pir
r-v-t Z- z
"Blaze- The'- sits mv worst enemv. the si-oundrel' Why can't I ever go nnywhero
v.itbout runnu g m him" Well. I f! bf-tier sit as far away from him as I can get, be-(,-iu-.e
ti'ere sureh will b- u tight
L (5) UK oft
pj ! b yjjJlLj m
-rt I '-'5 H I L -U s tfa
v 'rk , - - r-M
.rLJtyV c- &
r i r- ?sri cr ,
J&Y sxiy - y ft
In an Ice-Cream Parlcr II- "I wonder
why It Is no min has ver cuccecded in
capturing the wealth Miss Bullion?"
Sweet Girl (between r''nf"1s,,: "?be ha
always Siecn rich enough to buy her own
Ice erf am." New lork Weekly.
He: "Darling, what do you sur-poso I hive
done to da "'
She: "I couldn't guess In a hundred years."
He: "1 have bad my life insurrd."
She: "That's juvt like 'you. John Mann.
All vou seem to think of is yourself."
A Question of Privilege Mistrass (after
a heated discussion with aruratntatlve
coo!:): "Are you th mistress of this house,
I should like to know?"
Cook: "No. ma'am. I ain't but ."
Mistress (triurapliantly): "Then don't talk
like an idiot!" Punch.
The gentle row looked sad!'' ronrd.
Her face suflus'd with sham".
"For all the ills that now abound "
C.'uoth she, "I'm not to blime.
"Gooil butter or an honest hu.
llullt by it rustic dame.
The factoiv may hide from viw.
Hm I am not to blrnne.
"The milk takes onthe azure tint.
Its laste helien Up name.
The cream is but a piiselng hint.
But I am not to blame.
"And when I am set forth as beef
The prices they proclaim
Become a source of gfiieraj gil f:
But I am not to blnme
"For I have simply dene' my best
And tried n' crooked game.
The human bclngs.-dirt the rest.
And I am not to blame."
"Variety Is the spice of lire " said Cun
so. "That doesn't apply to the weather." ob
jected Cawker. Detroit Free Freas.
Fx-austed Captalnane: "Ju-'y had to
Kc back to the re-t-cure." Kate: "What
to-" Jnn": "Oh. she got a tollaps golnC
round telling everybody how much good It
did l.cr." Detroit Free Presa.
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