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ARE THE BEST CIGARETTE SMOKERS who care to pay a little more than the cosi of ordinary trade cigarettes will find til's PET CIGARETTES SUPERIOR TO ALL OTHERS Made from the highest cost Gold Lent grown in Virginia, and are ABSOLUTELY PURE SUNBEAMS. Barber (to nervous oostomer who is being shaved by a yonng assistant): It is all right, sir, don't be afraid of him. He won't out you, and if he due's well, it won't matter, because he knows some thing about medioine! A Distinguished Family. Judge: Have you auy parents? Prisoner: Ifes, sir Surely you have met them! The Point of the Pistol Is an effectual persuader, and there are many persons so unmindful of the symp toms of on coming disease that it wonld almost take that deadly argument to in duce them to adopt precautionary meas ures. The best of these is a recourse to that botanic restorer, Hostetter's Stomach Bitters. It vanquishes malaria, rheumat ism, kidney and bladder trouble, bailing digestion, biliousness and irregularity of the bowels, and completely fortifies the system against their further inroads. Its ingredients ar , drawn from nature's storehouse, consequently it is free from the objections attaching to many ab solutely or semi-mineral remedies. For the delicate, infirm, convalescent and elderly it is peculiarly benefioial. It well merits continuous and systematic use. Take it at bed time to induce Bleep, and between meals to 'stimulate appetite and digestion. The medical fraternity oonour in indorsing it. Some time ago I was taken sick with ft cramp in the Btouiajh, followed by diar rhoea. I took a couple of doses of Chamberlain's Colic, Cholera and Diar rhoea Remedy and was immediately re lieved. I oousider it thebest medioine in the market for all such complaints. I hnve sold the remedy to others and every one who uses it speaks highly of it. J, W. Strickler, Valley Center, Cal. For sale by A. C. Ireland, jr. Proprietor (pointing to Hebrew inscrip tion on window): Bet yon any money you can't read it. Patrick. Hibernian (irately): True for ye, like, bnt if my sonny-law was here with his fiddle he'd play it for ye. Papa, what is a fad? A fad, my son, is somebody else's fancy. Having used Chamberlain's Cough Remedy in my family and found it to be a first-class article, I take pleasure in re commending it to my friends. J. V. Foster, Westport, Cal. For sale by A. C. Ireland, jr. - He: Don't a good many folks annoy you with their attentions? Waitress: What makes you do it as well? Miss Inqnirei And do you draw every thing larger than it realy onght to be? Artist: everything, bat my salary! The Value of a Package. The contents of a 25-cent paokage of Simmons Liver Regulator will onre many a sick headaohe. It's the woman's friend. "It oured me permanently of sick head ache." 0. 8. Morris, Brownsville, W. Va. Take it dry on the tongue, or make a tea. Naval Gossip. Finney: Bah,' sir! I tell yon our navy is going to the. dogs. Scaley: Well, I wish some of our old sea dogs wonld come baok to it. Hatchley: There, don't run- down ear. poor ships! They manage to do the running down themselves often enough, and to spare. RHEUMATISM, LUMBAGO, SCIATICA, LAME BACK, DEBILITY, Etc. U(!Y DE mil When a trifle will bur the greatest : healing Invention of the dayt Vr.MandeB Electric Melt is a complete body batterjr for awl treatment, and sjuarafrtaed, or manes refunded. It will cure without medioine Hark, Kidney and ClverCaaaplalnta, Drains and all effect at earljr Indlaerv iton or exeeaa. To weals men It la the irreotent poaalbie boon, u the mild, (toothing: electric enrrent la applied direct lo the nerve renter and improve ments are felt from the On Bear need. A pocket edition of the oelebrated electro medical work, "Three Classes of Men;1 Illustrated, Is sent froe, sealed, by mail upon application. Every yoMUK, middle-aged or old man sutteriwt the slightest weakness shonldread it. It will show an eaay. Mire and speedy way to regain treng and healtb when everything elaa ba failed. The 8ANDEN ELECTRIC CO., Mo. Sixteenth HU, Denver, CoL Also Hew York, ChKwgo Londea, Kag. largest Electro-II edleal Concern in the World! A Remarkable Cure or RheumatlHm. Westminster, Cal., March 21, 1BU4. Some time ago, on awakening one morn ing, I found that I had rhenmatism in my knen so badly that, as I remarked to my wife, it would be impossible for me to at tend to business that day. Remember ing that I had some of Chamberlain's Pain Balm in my store I sent for a bottle, and rubbed the afflicted parts thoroughly with it, according to directions, and with in an hour I was completely relieved One application had done the business It is the best liniment on the market, and I sell it under a positive guarantee. R. T. Harris. For sale by A. C. Ireland, jr. HELEN'S HAT. Helen and I had n bet of a hat the other day, and she won. At that time I thought from looking at thorn that the price of la dles' hats could not run to more than 5 shillings, but this is a complete mistake. The cost of ladles' lints varies according to what is not on them that is to say, half a sovereign extra is charged for tak ing out the feather and a guinea extra for taking out what a man would call a hat and leaving only one bow and ribbon. As almost nothing is the fashion now, bats are unusually dear this season. To pay for a lady's hat, however, is, after all, a small matter. The difficulty is to go into a shop in cold blood and buy one. That is what I had to do, according to the conditions of the bet, and I was al lowed to take no one with me. Helen said that if I could not pick out a hat that would suit bor it was plain that I did not really love her, and she coldly stared when I asked permission to take another man with me, not to help to purchase, but to stand by while I said sternly to the salesman, "I want a lady's hat" There is a milliner's store next to my tobacconist's, and I thought I oould slip into it as if by mistake. Just as I was about to do so, however, the tobacconist came to his door, and so I had to buy a box of cabonas instead. I was very angry with tho man and have given him up ever since then. My original intention had been to go into a milliner's shop and bribe them to tell ine which was their best hat for a pretty girl with brown hair, dancing eyes, 20 inches around tho waist, but Kavens croft, who protended to know about hats though it is quito cloar that he thinks tho blggor they are the dearer said that would not be sate. His advice was that I should do a round of milliners' windows on wot days, so that my umbrolla might hide me. VVoodhouse, however, who has two sisters and hearkens to them, said this would bo foolish, as they only exhib ited a variety of hats in the second rate shops. Ho urged ine to walk boldly into a shop and Insist on their giving me a hat. Another friend, Hooper, said: "The hat itsolf is of but little consequence. The great point is that it should be dear. She will forgive you for buying an unbecom ing hat, but never for buying a cheap one. " Then Trotter, who thinks himself clever, said, "How can you buy her a hat when you don't know her size?" This philoso pher is 80 years old and has not discovered yet that ludles' hats are worked with pins. Several days passed and I had all but bought the hat many times. It was strange and interesting to me to reflect, at say 5 o'clock, that if I had entered the shop at 4:30 the whole thing would be over now. Once I die go into a milliner's shop in Regent street, but I loft it without hav ing bought the hat. This was because my courage failed me, and instead of asking for a hat I requested the boy who opened the door to direct mo to Piocadllly circus. If he had been a boy of average smartness, ho would have read between the lines and insisted on my taking a chair. I hurried into a side street after this escape and pres ently came to. The place to buy ladies' hats, warranted dear, is Bond street, but in no thorough fare in London art there so many inquisi tive people. Bond street can never expect to do a great trade so long as the jewelers and fish sellers, and even the sandwich board men, stare impertinently at wayfar ers. I was simply driven from a milliner's door by a fish sollor, who kept looking aft er me as if he thought I was afraid to face him. Then there is a dressmaker's win: dow, in which a woman in black stood all day looking for mo. I soon discovered that she knew I was honestly desirous of buying a lady's bat, but she would not let mo. It was impossible to go into a hat shop with that woman ready to triumph over me. A grocer's boy, too, passed mo twice within ten minutes, lingering about in a most Impertinently suspicious manner, which to incensed me that I followed him to his shop and complained to his master. There was a curious look in the latter's eye, and I oould not help fooling that he knew I wanted to buy a lady's hat. With another person, dressed like a gentleman, I had quite a scene. I was just going into a shop to buy the hat when he looked fixedly at me. This confused me and turned me from my purpose, but half an hour after ward I was back at tho shop door. Again he passed, with a look that told ine plain ly that I was discovered. I lost my tem per, and gripping my umbrella demanded to know what he meant. He replied with affected surprise, but I saw through him, and said that I would stand there until a policeman came to my aid. He answered that as he wished to oonsult my conven ience entirely he would not go away. So he put his back to one window and I put mine to another, and there we stood glar ing at each other until 4 o'clock, -when a mist came on, in which I walked softly away. When I was a mile from the shop, I saw that the mist was my opportunity for buy ing the hat, and at once hailed a hansom. I got out at the top of New Bond street, however, as it struck me that there was a look of enlightenment In the cabby's face. To blind him I walked a little way down Oxford street and then turned baok. . Soon I was at the Bbop I now knew so well from the outside, and though my throat felt dry I determined to buy that hat. I wait ed until two ladies bad loft I had seen them through the window and then en tered, with my teeth set. "I want a la dy's hat," I said, and I had a face on me that showed I was resolved to stand no laughing. The milliner had a twinkle in ber eye, but ray fierceness put it out, and J saw ber band shake as she brought soma bats. I bought the dearest one, gave the address to which it was to be sent and then retreated, keeping my eyes on her to the last moment. That woman was afraid of me nearly as much as I was of bet. , Helen says It wWl do. J. M. Barrle in Woman nt Home. How to Stop a Bat. "I was much impressed," says Mr. Qos llngton, "by something that I saw in the street this morning, the manner in which man stopped his hat, which was blowing away. It is well known that under such otrcuinstanoet a hat often develops great eooentrialty of movement When you stoop down to put your hand on it as you tun, it is not there. Bat this man ran past and just to leeward of his hat and topped it aa It rolled toward him." New York San. Disqualified. ''Ton lay you are never slokf" Inquired the Impresario. "I never had a siok day in my life," re plied the lady who was ambitious to go on the operatlo stage. "Then.madam," replied the impresario, Ml must discourage your hopes. You can never become a great prima donna." Chi cago Reoord. THAT ACCIDENT. It Didn't Keep Her Out, So Far as Jack Wat Concerned. She lay on the sofa in her prettiest tea gown, with the blinds carofully lowered, and her dearest friend, rushing into tho room, exclaimed: "Oh, Effle, .I've just heard that you had an accident the other day, and I came right over to sympathize and heor all about it." "Indeed, I had," she groaned. "I had no Idea it hurt so badly just to fall off a wheel. It was all Fan's fault too. " ' ' How did she manage it?" "Well, it came about this way. You know, Jack is a bicycle enthusiast, and I knew if I wanted that is, if I cared to" "Don't be bashful, dear. Those eyes would be your excuse if his bank account was not." "Woll, I knew I must loom to ride one of the horrid things, bo I asked him to teach me. He was delighted, and then Fan decided she must learn, too, and, of course, politeness obliged him to offer to teach her too. We each bought a wheel and got a lovely bicycle suit. Mine is" "Yes, yes. I'll see it later. Go on." "I said nothing to any one, but I was determined to got ahead of Miss Fan, so I just took a few lessons on the sly. You should have seen Jack's surprise when lie took us out for the first time and found I could ride right off, for, of course, I didn't think it necessary to speak of the lessons." "Of course not. Now, did Fan" "Oh, Jess, if you could only have seen hert She wabbled about and scrambled and plunged and hold on to Jock until I was actually ashamed of her. It was so bold and unfeminlne. Poor Jack, he couldn't get away for an Instant. I saw then I'd made a great mistake." "But didn't he praise your ability!1" "Oh, yes. But praise doesn't amount to much when it has to be shouted to you 15 feet away and Interrupted by screams and clutches as his was." "But wasn't it any better next tlmef " "It was not, or the next, either. She didn't make any effort to learn she just played off those eyelashes and clung to him and screamed, and I did not think he displayed an unnecessary amount of pa tience." "Why didn't you get her out to practice alonof" "I did try, but she wouldn't go said sho'd nover dare to mount her whoel with out Jack. Well, I knew I must do some thing, so the next time we went out I just went over a stone and fell. Ho loft Fan quick enough then but I foil harder than I meant to and sprained my wrist awfully. "Oh, well, it wasn't so bad after all, sluce Jack is a modloal student." "I know. He brought mo home, ban daged my wrist and has been coming over every day to look at it. Fan came with him one day and told me that it was all because I was too independent, and asked Jack if he didn't admire clinging, femi nine women." "That girl will be the death of me some day." "M'hm. I'm sorry now that I fell. You see an hour a day spent here doesn't amount to much, and Fan pretends that she is so anxious to learn and has him out every spare moment." "And she is not learning a bit faster, either. Why, here comes Katie!" And after a hasty greeting, Katlo cried: "Oh, Effle, I've come to ask you to be my bridesmaid. You see, Jack and I quarrelod two weeks ago because I refused to rido a wheel. Yesterday he camo over and said I was quite right. I was not to be outdone in generosity, so I said I'd ride, after all, and woll, the wedding is set for Juno." "How perfectly lovely," remarked Jess. "By tho way, If you want to buy a wheel cheap, I'm sure Fan would be glad to sell you hers she has no use for it." " Thank you, " roplled the bride elect. "I shall speak to her about it. Why, Effle, I'm afraid you must be suffering more than Jack thinks. I declare you look quite feverish. ' 'Chicago Times-Herald. Demoralized the System. "What tinio will that train bo in, do you think?" asked the impatient man. "It is purty hard to toll," answered the agent of tho littlo southern branch lino. "Senco Bill's tree was cut down by a pock of durn fool niggers after a coon he finds it a heap of troublo makin jest tho right time." "Bill's treof" "Yas; Bill, he is the conductor, you know. The tree I was spoakin of stood alongsldo tho track, about 30 milo up tho road from here, an when tho train conio along an the shadder of tho tree laid acrost the middle of tho top rail of Buck Johnson's fenco Bill knowed ho was on time and could gauge her about right to git horo on schedule time. Now them fool niggers has cut it down, and all Bill lias to go by is his own guess. Company was talkin some of puttin up a pole in the place whar the tree usotor bo, but they hain't dono it yit." Cincinnati Trlbuno. " Literature In the Suburbs. First Book Agont Keep away from that house! I had a torriblo experieuce there. Second Book Agent What happened to you? First Book Agent Man wanted mo to trndo the encyclopedia for lots down in that swamp.- He'd hardly let me go. Brooklyn Life. The Proud Boston Boy. The littlo Boston boy was so plainly puffed up with juvenile vanity that the visitor noticed it. "Eobort seems unusually proud today," sho said. "Yes," tho fond mothor answered, "he has on Ids first pair of spectacles." Indi anapolis Journal. Just the Thing. Miss Wellalong I think I made quite a sensation in my antique costume at the levee last evening. Miss Marketmade Oh, decidedly! Ev erybody exclaimed, "How appropriate I" Boston Transcript. Angelina A halt an hour has went, and still ho hasn't came. Great henvons, can he have discovered that I have a past? If so, his manly arm will never again encir cle my wasplike waist, his hazel eyes will pover gaze as fondly into mine, these ru by lips will never Oh, It is too much I Why should I be confronted thus with ine own past? New York World. . . "' Jaspar Children often say very fanny things. fumpuppe (guardedly) Yes, but never funny enough to be repeated. Saving Up. The waiter had the order. Dear, did you mean it when you say you will be minef She was a bit impatient. Fits Maurice, she replied, did I not jost this moment say olsret when I might have said ohsmpagnef This was oertsinly conclusive. Alaal TO PUT ON needed flesh, no mat. ter how you've lost it, take Dr. Pierce's Uolden Medical Dis covery. It works wonders. By restor ing the normal ac tion of the deranged ortrans and functions, it builds the flesh up to a safe and healthy standard promptly, pleasantly and nat urally. The weak, emaciated, thin, pale ana puny are maae strong, plump, round and rosy. Noth ing so effective as a strength restorer and flesh maker is known to medical sci ence; this puts on healthy flesh not the fat of cod liver oil and its filthy compounds. It rouses every organ of the body to ac tivity, purifies, enriches and vitalizes the blood so that the body feels refreshed nd strengthened. If you are too thin, too weak, too nervous, it may be that the food assimilation is at fault. A certain amount of bile is necessary for the reception of the fat foods in the blood. Too often the liver holds back this element which would help digestion. Dr. Pierce's Uolden Medical Discovery stimulates, tones up and invig orates the liver, nourishes the blood, and the muscles, stomach and nerves get the rich blood they require. Spent Hundred of Dollars with no Benefit. M. J. Coleman of n Sargent SI., Roxbury, fa.w., writes- "After "-r wncmis iruiu ayspepsiu tud constipation with un told agouy for at least l3 mouths, 1 qra more than pleased to Aay that after using Dr. Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery and Pleasant Pelletii' for one month, I was entirely cured, and from that day to this I do not know, thank God, what even a slight headache is. I paid, a doctor on Tremont St., Boston, in oue day (for his advice only,) the sum medicine, and derived no M. J. Coleman, fen. benefit. I got more relief in one hour from yout medicines, as far as my stomach .was concerned, than from all the other medicine I used. If any person whoa reads this is suffering from HTpMU Ur lAJIJBlllJUUUU UUU Will USC yOUl iclno as I have done, he will never regret it" Degrees. Mrs. Flnmpton: Ah! my dear; marriage is a very serious matter. Miss Humphreys: No doubt; but the chance of being left on the shelt is more serious still. Enough for Her. Mrs. Gabley: What do you think o the new women? Mrs. Plaoid: Nothing. I'm bothered enough about the old man. ATLANTIC & PACIFIC RAILROAD. (Western Division.) (J. W. Reinhart, John J. MoCook, Joseph 0. Wilson, Receivers.) TIME TABLE NO. 39. In Effect Sunday, November 4, 1891, Leave Chicago at 10:00 p. m.; 10:00 p m. Arrive at Chieago at 10:00 p.m.; 9:00 a. m. Leave Kansas City, Mo., at 1:50 p. m.j 2:00 p. m. Arrive at Kansas City, Mo., at 6:10 p. m.; 5:00 p. m, Leave Denver at 11:50 p. m. Arrive at Denver at 5:15 a. n.; 4:45 a. m. Leave La Junta at 7:20 a.m.; 10:10. Ar rive at La Junta at 10:60 a. m.; 8:55 p. m. WESTWABD STATIONS BASIWAKD Lv. Ar. ..Albuquerque.. . . .Coolidfre Wlngate Gallup .Navajo Springs.. ....Holbrook Winslow Flagstaff Williams..... ....Ash Fork Soligman ..Peach Springs.. Kingman .. .Needles, Cal. .. Blake Bagdad..,.,.. Da?ffett 9:40p. 2:4itt. 3 :07a. 3:35n. 5:30a. 6:50a. 8:10a. 10:45a. 12:35p. l:35p. 2:45p. 4:05p. 6:05p. 8:30p. 10:30p. 12 :50a. 3:52a. 4:15a. 3:30a, 8:15p. 3:a5p. 2:50p. 2:20p. 6:10a 1 :35p, 1:07a, 12:35a, 10:18p, 8:55p, 7:50p, S:40p, 4:20p, 2:55p, 2KK)p, 12:40p 10:10a, 7:50a. 6:10a, 3:10a, 12:32a, 12:10a, 9:10a. 9 :15a. 10:05a. 12:03p. 12 KMp. 10:40a. 1 :25o, 2:55p. 5:40p. 7:35p. 9:30a. 7:20a. 6:00a. 4:30a. 3:35a. 2:10a. 8:4UD 9:50p. 11 :p, 1:40a ll:35p. 4:10a. s :nup. 7:3Sp. 5:10p. 2:43p. 2:20p. l:00p. 6:10a, 9:00a, 12:07p. 2:20p. 6:001). i Ar . . B arstow. . . Lv Ar....Mojave. ..Lv Arrive Los Angeles 9:35 a. m.j 6:80 p. in. Leave Los Angeles at 7:00 a. m.j 5:00 p. m. Arrive San Diego 12:45 p. m.; 9:20 p. m. Leave San Diego at 2:15 p. m. Arrive at San Francisco at 9:15 a. m. Leave San Franoisco at 9:00 a. m. Every day bnt Sunday. CONNECTIONS. ALBUQUERQUE A., T. & S. F. Railwuy for all points east and south. ASH FORK Santa Fe, Presoott t Phoe nix railway for points in oentral and southern Arizona. BLAKE Nevada Southern Railway for Purdy and oonneotion with stage lines for mining districts north. BARSTOW Southern California Railway for Los Angeles, San Diego and other California points. 1 MOJAVE Southern Paoiflo Company for San Franoisoo, Saoramento and other northern California points. Pullman Palace Sleeping Cars No change is made by sleeping oar pas sengers btween San Franoisoo, Los Angeles or"San Diego and Chieago. The Atlantic & Paoiflo Railroad, the great middle ronte aoross the American oontinent, in oonneotion with the rail ways of the "Santa Fe ronte." Liberal management; superior facilities; pio tnresqne scenery; eioellant accommoda tions. , The Grand Canon of the Colorado the most snblimo of nature's work on earth, indescribable, can easily be reaehed via Flagstaff, Williams or Peaeb Springs on this road. To the natural bridge of Arissoua and Montezuma's well you ean journey most directly by this line. Ob serve the anoient Indian oivilization of Lagnna or Aooma, "the City of the Sky." Visit the petrified forest near Osrtiso. See and marvel at the freak of Canon Diablo. Take a hunting trip in the mag nifloent piue forests of the San Franoisoo mountains. Find interest in the ruins of the p re-historic Cave and Cliff Dwellers, View the longest eatitilever bridge lo America aoross the Colorado river. Jmo. J. Btbhb, Gen, PaBS.-Agt., Los Angeles, CU ' 0. H. Spmbb. Ass't Gen. Pass. Agt, San Franoisoo, Cal. H. 8. Van Bltok, Gen. Agt., Albuquerque, N. M . HE PAID UP. A Wedding That Cost Stuart Robsoa 5,000. "I read in the newspapers one morn ing," snys Nat C. Goodwin, "that Law rence Barrett's daughter had been mar ried, and that among the bridal gifts was a check for (5,000 from Stuart Robson. " 'That can hardly be true, thought L 'Robson and Barret are great friends, but Robson would not be likely to give so much money as a wedding present. The new spapers must be wrong. ' A day or two later I met Robson In Broadway. " 'Look here, old man,' said L 'How about that gift of 15,000 you are said to hove made to Larry Barrett's daughter? Have the newspapers been lying about you again!" 'Nat,' said ho solemnly, 'it s true- true as gospel 1 Stop out here one side, and I'll tell you how it happened.' 'We retired to a convenient corner, and Robson told nie tho whole story, and it amused me Immensely. 'About two years ago last summer,' said ho, 'a young man called at my cottage in (Joliasset, bringing a letter of introduc tion from a friend in New York. I was as cordial as I could be, and the fellow kept oalling off and on all summer. He did not Interest me particularly, but he was harm less. One day he said to me, "Mr. Bob son, that Miss Barrett is i charming girl." " ' "Ah, and so you have met the Bar retts, have you?" says I." " ' "I have," says he, "and I regard Miss Barrett as one of the most charming young ladies I over saw." " ' "She is, my boy, she la!" says I. "Pitch in and win her, and the day you wed her I'll give you 15,000. And here's $1 to bind the bargain." " 'Nat, I pledge you my word I had no Idea that anything further would ever coine of the matter. My Idea was to eu courage the fellow to spend his time at Barrett's cottage instead of mine. But he was in earnest, it scorns. I used to hear of his being with MisB Barrett a good deal, and occasionally I would see them saunter ing along the beach listening to the musio of tho sad sea waves. But, as I said, I thought nothing serious of it all, and I forgot all about my stipulation involving the $5,000. So you can imagine my aston ishment, my horror, when, about two months ago, that young man turned up at my cottage again,, wearing a particular ly triumphant smile. " ' "Mr. Bobson," said he, "I've done it." " 1 "Done what?" says I. " ' "Proposed to hor," says he. " ' "Proposed to whom?" says I. " ' "Why, to Miss Barrett," says he, "and I'm going to marry her!" " ' "The you are!" says I, for the news fairly knocked the wind out of me. " ' "I am, indeed," says he, and then he reminded me of the promise I had given him about the check. Yes, you may not believe it; but, Nat, the fellow had the bad taste to recall that I had promised to give htm a bridal present in case he won Larry Barrett's daughter. " ' "My boy," says I as amiably as I could, "Stuart Robson never forgets and he never violates a pledge or a promise!" " 'The morning of the wedding I was feeling too Indisposed to leave my bed. I had been sitting up too late the night be fore with a sick friend. So I called my daughter to me. " ' "Alicia," said I, ''are you going to the wedding?" " ' "Yes, father." " ' "Thon tuko this check with you," said I. "Be careful not to lose It, and after the wedding hand It to tho groom. But, mind you, Alicia, do not give it to him until after the minister pronounces them man and wife, for he might drop dead in the meantime." " 'When my daughter returned that aft ernoon, I said, "Alicia, is it all over?." " 4 "Yes, father." " ' "And did you give him the" check for $5,000?" " ' "ts, father." " ' "What did he do when you gave it to him?" " ' "Father, he cried." " 'I was gratified, I will admit, that my trifling benefaction had touched his heart, yet I was anxious to know tho full extent of his appreciation. " ' "Ho cried, did he?" said I. "How long did he cry?" " ' "Father, I am not sure, but I should say about a minute." " ' "A minute! A mlnuto!" said I. " ," I cried an hour before I signed that check I" ' "Eugene Field in Chi cago Record. Army Intelligence. An army officer, Captain Poker Chip, who has been dismissed from the army for duplicating his cosh account, was seen walking on tho street with a lady. Sev eral Unitod States officers of the club saw the couple, and Colonel Mountain Howit zer remarked to Major Blow: "I can't comprehond how Poker Chip has the cheek to be seen on the streets with a woman who would so far forget herself as to walk out with a man of his reputa tion." Texas Sittings. Warned In Time. Mr. Hordnutt I admit, sir, that my life has not been what it should be, but I tru ly and unselfishly love your daughter, and If ever I give her a moment's pain I hope I'll be made to suffer torture for it. Old Gentleman (warnlngly) Oh, yon Willi You don't know her. New York Weekly. Impossible. Mrs. Bellefleld Mrs. Oakland has a great secret. Mrs. Bloomfleld Oh, no I She can't have. "Why not?" "If she hod, she would have told It to me. ' 'Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. Bint to Benedicts. "I don't like to interfere in domestic af fairs," says the Manayunk philosopher, "but I would suggost to the married man that it would be well for him to let his wife bring up the family while he brings up the coul." Philadelphia Record. A Peculiarity. "Monoy talks," said the confident man. "Yes," replied the melancholy citizen, "but when It's conversing with a poor re lation it usually talks In a whisper. " Washington Star. Defined. "What do we mean by health?" asked tho teacher. "Health, " said a timid little voice, "Is when you're real fat and have lots of skin!" Youth's Companion. Answered. "How many bells are In this chime?" asked the curious traveler. "Eight, all tolled," said the sexton. Indianapolis Journal. THX NIW XBZIOAN. Bally, English Weekly and Spanish Weekly edition, will be found on ale at the following news depot, where subscriptions may also be maae: A. 0. Teichman, Oerrillos. S. E. Newcomer, Albuquerque. B. T. Link, Silver City. J. B. Hodgen, Doming. 0. 0. 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