The Albany register. [volume], January 23, 1869, Image 1

About The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??

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VOL. 1.
ALBANY, OREGON, SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 1869.
NO. 20.i
PUBLISH SD EVERT SATL'RDAr B V
COLLINS VAXCL12VE.
FFICB OS COllSf.ll OF FERRY ASD FI3ST-9TS-,
OPPOSITE W. W. PARKISII A CO.'s STOUB.
TERMS IN" ADVANCE.
One Year .'. Three Dollar8
Six Month Twu Dollar51
Single Copies Tea Cents
ADVERTISING RATES.
One Coluian. per Year, $100 j Half Column,
$60 ; Quarter Column, $:5.
Transient advertisements per Squaro f ten
lines or less, first insertion, $3; each subsequent
insertion, $1.
BUSINESS CARDS.
ALOAXV BAlXII UOISE.
Home and lrieiil3.
THE UNDERSIGNED WOULD KESPECT
fully inform the citizens of Albany u l vi
cinity that he bas takeu charge of this establish
ment, and, by keeping clean rooms aud paying
strict attention to business, expects to suit all
those who may favor bim with their patronat.
Having heretofore; carried on nothing but
First-Class Hair Dressing' Saloons,
fa ex pec's to give entire satisfaction to all.
f Children abd Ladies' hair neatly out and
shampooed. JOSEPH WEBBER.
scpl9y2
GEO. W. GRAY, D. D. S.,
C-i RADUATE OF THE CINCINNATI DEN
J tal College, would invite all persons desiring
artificial teeth, and first-class dental operations,
to give him a call.
Specimens of Vulcanite Base with gold-plate
linings, and other new styles of work, may be
seen at his office, in Parrisii & Co.'s brick, (up
stairs) Albany. Oregon.
Residence Corner Second and Baker fcts. 2
D. I. RICE, M. 15.,
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON,
o
ALBANY, OREGON.
FFICE ON SOUTn IDE OF MAIN
street. !
Albany, September 18, SS-2tf
E. F". Russell,
ATTORNEY and COUNSELLOR at LAW,
Solicitor in Chaucery aud Heal Ettutt Ayent
Will practice in the Courts of the Second, Third,
and Fourth Judicial Districts, and in tbe Supreme
Court of Oregon.
Office in Parrisii 's Block, second story, third
door west of Ferry, north side of First st. II
"ESpecial attention given to tbe collection of
Claims at all points in the above named Districts.
J. C. POWELL.
L. FLIKK.
Powell & Flinn,
ATTORNEYS COUNSELLORS AT LAW
and Solicitors in Chancery,
(X.. Flinn, Notary Public,)
.Albany. Oregon. Collections and conveyances
promply attended to. 1
TT. . BITABIDEL. P. REDFIELD.
Hiltabidcl & Co.,
Ta BALERS IN GROCERIES AND PRO-
JLf visions. Wood and Willow Ware, Confee
tioucrv. Tobacco. Cizars. Pipes," Notions, etc.
Main street, adjoining the Express office, Albany,
Oregon. A
W. W. PARISH. J. C. XEXDESSALL
W. W. Parrish fit Co.,
WHOLESALE AND RETAIL DEALERS
in Gcnoral Merchandise. AlBany. The
heat Goods at the lowest market prices. Mer
chantable Produce taken in exchange. 1
E, A. Frccland,
DEALER IN EVERY DESCRIPTION OF
School, Miscellaneous and Blank Books,
Kt.tinnrn. Gold and Steel Pens. Ink. etc., Post-
office Building, Albany, Oregon. Books ordered
from New York and ban i rancisco. l
S- H. Claugrhton,
liTOTARY PUBLIC AND REAL ESTATE
1 AGENT. Office in the Post Offico building,
Lebanon, Oregon.
" Will attend to makinz Deeds and other convey
ances, also to the prompt collection of debts en
trusted to my care. i
J. BAKROWS. I.. BLAIX. S. E. YOCSG
J. Barrows & Co.,
GENERAL AND COMMISSION- MER
IT chants. Dealers in Staple, Dry and Fancy
Goods, Groceries, Hardware, Cutlery, Croctery,
Boots and Shoes ; Albany, Oregon.
Consignments solicited.- 1
C. Mealey & Co-
MANUFACTURERS OF AND DEALERS
in all kinds of Furniture and Cabinet
Ware, f irst street, MDany.
Albany Weekly Register
JOB PRINTING
OFFICE,
Fint street, (opposite ParrUA Jc Co.'s ttore,)
Albany s s s Oregon.
HAVING a T.ry fair assortment of material
we are prepared to execute, with neatness
and dispatch, all kinds of
snch as
Band-bills,
.Programmes, . " ;
Bill-heads,
Cards, : .
Ball Tickets,
- Pamphlets, '
; V .' " ' Labels,
... 7 ' : : Blanks
of all kinds,
at as low figures as a due regard to taste and good
work will allow: When yon want anything- in
lbs printing lias, call at the Raenrza offioa.
0hf there is n power to make cne-h hour
As twoet as heaven designed it ;
Ntr need we roam to bring it heme,
'1 hough lew there be that find it 1
W seek t..o high for things close by,
And Jee what Nature found us :
For life hath here no cLarm so dear,
As home and friends r round us !
We oft destroy the present joy
Fur future hopes aud praise tbem :
While flowers as sweet bloom at our feet,
If we'd but stop to raise them ;
For things afar still sweetest aro
When youth's bright spell hath bound us.
But soon we're taught that carlh has naught
Like home aud friends around us !
The friends that speed, in time of ceo J,
When hope's last reed is shaken,
That show us still, that, come what will.
Wo are not quite forsaken
Though all were night; if but tho lifalit
Of Friendship's altar crown us,
'Twould prove the bliss of earth was this
Our home and friends around us I
Talmud Papers.
Don't Slop Over.
Don't slop over I" the old man said, -
As he piaccd his hand on the young man's head ;
"Go it, by all means, go it fast ;
Go it while leather and horseshoes last ;
do it while hair and hide on horse
Will bold together. Oil, go it, of course
Go it as rapid as ever you can.
But don't sli p over, my dear young man.
i
Don't slop over. You'll find some day
That keeping an eye to the windward will pay,
A horse may run a little too 1 ng,
A preacher preach just a fraction too strong.
And a pout who pleases the world with rhymes
May write and regret it in after times.
Keep the end of the effort in view, ' l
And don't slop over, whatever you do.
"Don't slop over. Tho wisest mn
Are bound to slop over now and then ;
And yet the wisest at irk or feast
Are the very ones who blunder the least,
Those who for spilt milk never wail
Are the ones who cary ihc steadiest pail.
Wherever you go, a in for tho fat ;
But don't slop over and freezo to that t
''Don't slop over, distrust yourself,' 1
Nor always reach to the highest shelf.
The i.ei.t to the highest will gonerally do,
And answer the needs of such as you:
Climb, of course, but always stjp
And take breath a little this side of the top ;
And o you will reach it in wind and strong
Without slopping over. Thus ends my song 1"
NEWS PARAGRAPHS.
West Point has 224 cadets.
There are 11,353 schoolhouses in Ohio
The King of Sweden refuses to sign
any more death warrants.
The Good Templare of Brandy City
have erected a new hall. Badly needed.
The toes of the new style boots curve
upward like Chinese slippers.
The population of the United States is
near 39,000,000.
A silk produciug spider is the latest
discovery in Utah.
American apples are worth $2 a dozen
in Hongkong.
Thirty-four million was the gold pro
duet of Montana last year.
Washington owned 53,876 acres of
land, lying in six States.
Santa Anna has turned up in San
Domingo.
.
Yellow moustaches arc fashionable in
New York.
Basic, in Switzerland, bas a newspaper
20U years old.
A Masonic temple, to cost 81,000,000,
is to be erected in Detroit, jVlicnigan.-
Michigan has a cash balance of over
1,000,000 in her treasury.
A negro preacher in London accompa
nies psalm tunes on the banjo.
The dit cease of Sahara has been cre
ated. Some ecclesiastic will now receive
bis desert.
Manuscript sermons at fifty cents each,
suitable for any denomination, are ad
vertised in Boston.
A deluge on the coast and drought in
the interior has destroyed the rice crop
ot British India, and launne is feared.
The docks of Chicago are being im
proved at a cost of over $1,200,000, giv
ing the city seven addition miles of water
front.
'Twas in the lovely month of J une I
courted Lizzie Lee ; the crested wavelets
murmured and the moonbeams kissed the
sea ; I whispered in bcr ear soft wcjrds,
her hands in mine I pressed ; and as I
drew her nearer still well, never
mind the rest ! We wandered slowly
hand in hand, with heads together bowed:
our words were low and softly said, our
signs were long and loud ; 1 , asked her
if she loved me, and her head drooped
on my breast ; I listened, and the an
swer was well, never mind the rest !
The evening deepened into night, and
stars lit up the sky ; again I whispered,
and again her answer was, a sigh. At
that fair shrine I humbly knelt, my hope
and loro confessed; I was absolved, a
day was named and, never mind the
rest ! The happy moments pasted away,
the day at length arrived; my bliss was
so ecstatic, 'tis a wonder I survived. Of
course she was with lace enrobed, with
orange blossoms dressed; and in, a copy
0f the , you 11 surer una tne rest :
The work of reducing the Talmud to
form, aud preparing it for the seribo cr
wtifpr. was first ' undertaken bv Ilillel
Fir.-t, who was President of the Sanhed
rim about thirty years hufora Christ.
After his death, a hundred years passed
before another appeared to take up the
work. Akiba then entered diligc&tly
upon his duties, and at his death the
work was pushed forward by Babbi Jo
huda, "the Saint." ubout two hundred
years after the birthtof Christ, when the
whole uuwrittcu law was reduced to a
cod.v Then Mishiiah was divided into
six scetious. liio nrst treated or seeus ;
the second of feasts ; the third of women ;
the fourth, uamnges ; the huh, sacred
things; the sixth, purifications!
Tho Mishnah being lornied into a
code, became iu time what the Scrip
tures had been, a book of texts; and
new traditions were thrown in, and new
commentaries oi the leartsd ensued, and
the Gcrmara grew up. Of the Germara,
there were two: oncol'thcm expressing tho
scutituent of the teachers in Palestine,
written at the Tiberias in the fourth cen
tury, and called the Jerusalem Talmud ;
the other was produced at Syria, iu Bab-
, loa, iu the fifth century, and is about
four times the size of the former, and
about eleven tnucs tiio size of the Misu-
nah.
As to the character of its teachings,
specimens oi its itssons my lurnisiu we
best idea.
Mr. Badarride, a learned Jew, says of
it : "Any otie would te embarrassed
who had to prove that the Talmud teach
es anything but the practice ot all virtue;
although we find in the work an iufiuity
of thiiis which an enlightened man and
the man of good sense cannot avow ; but
it must be remarked that the Talmud
is a collection of the opinions of a multi
tude of Itabbis ; and iu what country
shall we find a multitude of men of whom
some do not reason wrongly v
People arc in the habit of repeating that
the Christain religion has invented a
new virtue the love ot our neighbor.
This is an old error. The laws of Moses
and the Talmud teach that we ought to
love our neighbor as ourselves. No dis
tinction is made between him that is a
Jew and him that is not one. A pagan
asked of llabbi Ilillel iu what the Jewish
religion- consisted. Ilillel answered:
'Do not unto thy neighbor what thou
wouldst n Jt one should do to thee. Be
hold !' said he, 'the whole of religion ;
the rest is but the consequeuce.' "
Lighttoot gives the same more lttter-
ally : "A certain Gentile went to Sham-
mai, and said : 'Make me a proselyte.
that 1 may learu the whole law while 1
stand on one foot.' Shammai thrust him
away with his staff which was in his
hand. He went to Ilillel, and ho made
him a proselyte, aud said : 'Thou shalt
not do to thy neighbor what is hateful to
thyself.' "
In Kitto's Biblical Cijlopocdia there is
much written on the lalmud by Dr. S
Davidson. In it are many most ridicu
lous stories from the Talmud. Abba
Saul said : "When I was an interrcr of
the dead, I had once to pursue after a
gazelle. I entered into the hollow of a
hip bone of a dead man, aud ran after it
three miles, and yet I reached neither
the gazelle nor the end of the hip bone.
When I returned back, they told me 'this
bone belonged to Og, King of Basham."
Ynd Abba Saul said ; "Once upon a
time, when I had been interring the
dead, a cave opened under me, and I found
myself standing up to my nostrils in ihe
socket of a dead man's eje.l W.hcn I
returned, they told tne it wa3 the eye of
Absalom. Perhaps thou wouldst say
Abba Saul was a short man ! Abba
Saul was the tallest mau of his genera
tion." These extravagant stories will discover
how much the Talmud may be relied
upon by the student of natural history.
The Talmud declares that when Adam was
created, he at first reached from one end
of the world to the other ; but after he
fell into sin, God reduced his magnitude.
And an old sailor saw "a fish which
threw down sixty villages, when the sea
cast it ashore ; sixty other villages ate of
it, and sixty other villages salted part of
it, and the fat of one of its eyes filled
three hundred barrels; and at the end
of three months they saw the people col
lecting the boaes to build again with
them the towns which bad been thrown
down." II e saw another fislr, "upon the
back of which the sand had accumulated,
and rushes had grown. We thought it
was dry ground," he says, "and landed
and cookctL. provisions, aud sat down on
it ; but when it felt tho fire, it dived
down." Rabbi Saphra tells of a fish
"which' streatched out its head
above water, and had horns, upon
which was written, 'I am the " smallest
creature in the sea, and am three hund
red leagues in length, and go in the
throat of the leviathan.' " j .
One tells of that wonderful lion that
Caesar wanted to see. At the summons
of a Rabbi, the lion set out, but, when
four hundred leagues away, roared so
loud that the walls of Rome fell down, he
roared again, and people's teeth fell out.
Caesar himself fell trom his throne to tho
ground, and he besought the Rabbi to
let the lion go back. -
What wonders there were in those days,
and howN surprising that the writers of
the Talmud alone were able to discover
tiiem ' Absurdity treads upon the heel
of absurdity, aud ilabbi endeavors to out
strip llabbi ,iu the most outrageous ly
ing. .
One sa's :
the sea in ships
a wave is about
suarks of white li;
Thoy ltat go down to
have told me that when
to overwhelm a ship,
ight are seeu on its head; lless something
it with a staff on which virtue of the v
but if we strike
are graved the words 'I am that I am.
Jah, Lord of. hosts, amen, amen, selah,'
it subsides. Ihcy that go down to the
sea have told me that the distance be
tween! one wave and another is three
hundred miles. It happened once that
we were making a voyage, and we raised
upon a wave until we saw the resting
place of the last of ail stars. It was
large enough to sow forty bushels of
mustard-seed and if we had risen higher,
we should have been burned by the va
por of the Ktar. One wave raised its
voice :aud called to its companion : 'Ohi
companion," hast thou left anything in the
world; that thou hast not overflowed ?
Come, and let us destroy it.' It replied:
'Come, aud see the power of the Lord. I
could not overpass the sand even ahair's
breadih, for it is written : Fear ye uot
me t saith the Lord. Will ye not trem
ble at my presence, which have placed
the saud for the limit of the soa by u per
petual decree that it cannot pass V "
Another llabbi not to be outdone by
any .of his companions, says: "I saw a
trog .which was as big as the village of
Ilagaroaia. Aud how large was llaga
ronia ? A town of sixty houses. And
there came a dragon which swallowed the
frog, and there came a crow which swal
lowed the dragon, and flew away and
sat on a tree. Behold how great the
strength of that tree!" Auother tells of
a kid, one day old, which was as large as
Mount Tabor.
Most of these absurd stories arc fin
ished off with a passage of Scripture, as
though they clearly proved tho truth of
the sacred text, aud would confirm the
same to all generations.
Of one of the ancient fathers it is writ
ten : "Jacob went out; from Beersheba
aud went toward Ilaran, and came to the
place; and when he cme to llaran, be
said : 'Perchance I went through the
place where my father worshipped, and I
didnot worship there ; aud he intended
to go back ; but as he considered of his
going back, the earth that is, the place
where he would have worshipped leaped
towards him, and he came to that place.
Here is a story of a staff" given to
Adam, said to have been created between
the stars that is, in the eveuing, and
given to Adam. Adam gave it to Enoch,
Fnoch gave it to Noah, Noah gave it to
Shem, Sheni gave it to Abraham, ho to
Isaac, he to Jacob, who carried it aloDg
with him into Egypt and gave it to his
sou Joseph. When Joseph died, his
houshold goods were seized and car
ried to the Palace of Pharaoh. There
was an inscription upon it, and when
Pharaoh read it he set au esteem upon
the staff, aud planted it iu tlitf midst of
his garden. None but he might ap
proach it. But when Moses entered the
garden, he drew near and read the in
scription ; then laid hold upon it and
carried it away. It said to be of the al- j
mond tree, and bearing the Tahuudic
writings as cut from the tree of knowl
edge of good and evil. And when Moses
had sinned, it was said that this was ta
ken away from him, for he bad beaten
the rock with it. When ha repented,
another staff was given him, made out of
the tree of life. The inscription on this
staff was the wonderful, "Schemhamm
phorasch." This astonishing word is the
key which was given by the angel Mich
ael to Pali, and by Pali to Moses.; "If
thou canst read Schemhammpborasch,
then shalt thou understand tho words of
all men, the words of cattle, the whistl
ing of birds, the word of beasts, the voice
of dogs, tho language of devils ; the
language of ministering angels, of date
trees; the motion of the sea; tho unity
of hearts, tho murmuring of the tongue
nay, even the thoughts of the rain."
The Talmud is to tho Jew what the
legends of the saints are to the Roman
Catholic and the Sonnah to the Turk.
It forms a complete system of tradition
ary law, treating . indeed upon nearly
every subject engaging man's time or at
tention. The Gemara that is, the Complement
or perfection contains the disputes and
opinions of the Rabbins on the oral tra
ditions. The veneration of tho Jews for
these writings may be discovered in the
following comparison found in the
Massecelh Sopherim :
"The Bibibical text is like water, the
Mishnah like wine, and the six orders
(sedarim) like aromatic wine." And
again : "The law is like salt, the Mish
nah like pepper ; but the six orders are
like fine spices." And: "Tho words
of the scribes are lovely above the words
of the law ; for the words of the law are
weighty and light, but the words of the
scribes are all weighty." Thus fulfill
ing the words of Christ in Mark 7 : 13 :
"Making the Word of God of none
effect through your traditions which we
have delivered." f "
In the classification of the laws, in the
class Seder Nashim -the order of woman
is discussed tho distinctive rights of
men and women; matrimonial contracts,
vows, divorce, etc. a husband is obliged
to - forbid his wife to keep a particular
man's company before two witnesses; of
the waters or jealousy by which a woman
suspected of conjugal iufidelity is to be
tried, of the ccromony of clothing the ac
cused woman at her trial.
In divorce, care is taken to particular
ize bills of divorce writ-ten by n.en iu de
lirium or dangerously ill. One part ot
tne UabMos will not :rant a divorce uu-
be charged against the
woman, while another al
lows a divorce even when a woman has
only been so unfortunate as to suffer her
husband's soup to be burned.
In regard to the creation of this world,
the Talmud holds some previously ex
isting substance :
"One or three things were before this
world water, fire and wind. Water be
gat the darkness, fire begat light, and
wind begat the spirit of wisdom.
"The end of creation is man, who,
therefore, was created last, when every
thing was ready tor his reception ; and
when, he .had reached the perfection of
virtue, he is higher than the angels them
selves. 1
"Every nation has its guardian angel,
its ruling planets and stars ; but there is
no planet for Israel, for Israel shall look
but to God. There is no need of a me
diator between thoe who are called his
children and their father in heaven.
"A iuan has a patron. If some evil
happen to him, he does not enter sudden
ly into the presence of his patron, but he
goes aud stands at the door of his house,
lie does not ask for the patron, but for
his favorite slave or his son, who then
goes and tells tho master inside : 'The
man N. N. is standing at the gate of the
hall. Shall he come iu or not V Not
so the IIly, praised be he ! If misfor
tune comes upon a man, let him not cry
to Michael, aud not to Gabriel, but unto
me let him cry, and I will answer him
right speedily, as it is said, Every one"
calling upon the Lord shall be saved."
It teaches a limited punishment of the
wicked. "GoDeration upon generation
shall last the damnation of idolators,
apostates, and traitors ; but there is a
space of only two finger's breadth be
tweeu hell and heaven. The sinner has
butto repent and call upon God, and he
will be brought into the joys of heaven."
According to accounts, everybody in
Denver is on the marry. Some do it
once too often. A case in point occurred
the other day. A fellow was leading his
blushing bride from the clergyman's
bouse, when another individual rushed
up, and asked in an excited voice:
"What the devil are you doing with
my wife" '
"Cool, that," said the newly married
man. "This 'ere woman and I have jist
been wedded. It sail legal, for x paid
ten dollars for the job, and think it
cheap. ,
"Bully for you, old fellow," said the
stranger. "I paid but five when we were
married. I've spent a good many fives
foolishly, but that's a little the worst
speculation I ever got into. You have
my congratulations, old fellow; this is the
happiest moment of my life.
And the lady's former husband saunt
ered away whistling an air from "The
Elixir of Love."
Charles to the altar led the lovely
Jane, and to her father's house returned
again, where, to convey them on their
wedding tour already stood a brilliant
coach and four. When, lo ! the gather
ieg showers at onco descended, clouds
and warring winds-contended ; this moves
him not, but in he hands his bride, and
seats himself, enraptured, by her side;
when thus, to cheer the fair one, he be
gun: "I hope we soon shall have a little
sun." But shej to whom the weather
gave no pain, who heeded not the blast
nor pattering rain, but most about her
future state bethought her, replied :
"My dear, I'd rather have a daughter."
An army chaplain relates tho follow
ing funny story. -Seeing a dirty-faced
butter-nut urchin at the f ence in front of
a house, the preacher stopped aud said :
"Is your father at homo t"
"No, he's gone to church."
"Is your mother in f"
"No, she's gone, too."
1 "Then you are all by yourself?"
"No, Sam's in thar huggin' the nigger
gal." ,
"That's bad."
"Yes, it's bad, but it's the best he can
do." s . . . - .
Much of the water
Western Style.
to be obtained along the line of the
Union Pacific Railroad is strongly inir
pregnatcd with alkali, A stage driver
observing a passenger about to quaff some
of it, exclaimed, with a genuine Western
style of smile, "Don't drink that, Colo
nel, for it will go through you like the
ten commandments through a Sunday
School."
The spire of the new cathedral in
Pittsburg is to be surmounted by a hol
low iron cross fourteen feet high, which
is to be illuminated by three hundred
gas jets.' '
APhiladelphian has taken out a pat
ent for the manufacture of wooden shirt
bosoms, the material being the same as
that now used in papering rooms.
Two scientific expeditions to the North
Pole are now fitting out one at Bremen,
under Peterman, and the ether at Havre,
under Lambert.
Mark Twain on Female Suffrage. -
Mark Twain writes to his cousin Jen :
Die on the subject of female suffrage a
follows : . ?,
There is one insuperable obstacle in
the way of female suffrage, Jennie. 1
approach the subject with fear. and tremb
ling, but 1 must out. A woman wonia
never vote, because sne would nave iu
tell her age at tho polls, and even if she
did care to vote once or twice when sho
was just of age, you know what dire re
sults would now irom "putting inn ibu
that together" in after times. ' For in
stance, in an unguarded moment Miss A.
says she voted for Mr.. Smith. Her aud
itor, who knows it is seven years since
Smith ran for anything Caisly ciphers out
that she is at least seven years over age,
instead of the young pullet she has been
making herself out. to be. No Jennie,
this new fashion of registering the name, .
age, residence ana occupation ot every .
voter is a fatal bar to female suffrage.
.Women will never be permitted to
vote or hold office, Jennie, and it is a
lucky thing for me, and many other men,
that such is the decree of fate. .- Because,
you see, there aro some few measures
that would bring out their entire voting
eirengiu, in spite ox tueir anupaiuy iu
make themselves conspicuous ; andjthere
being vastly more women than men. iu
this State, they would trot these mcas-.
ures through the Legislature with a ve
locity that would be appalling." For in- .
stance, they would enact :
1. That all men should be at home by
ten p. i.., without fail. . - - . -
2. That married men should bestow
considerable attention on their wives. ,
3. That it should be a hanging offense
to sell whisky : in saloons, and that fine
and disfranchisement should follow drink
ing in such places. ,:.
4. That the smoking of cigars to ex
cess should be forbidden, and that the
smoking of pipes be-abolished. - ; i: "
5. That the wife should have a. little
of her own property, when sho married
a man who hadn't any.'
Jennie, such tyranny as this we could
never stand, i Our free souls could never
endure such degrading thraldom.
Women go your way 1 . Seek .not to be
guile us of pur imperial privileges.
Content yourselves with your feminine
trifles your babies, your benevolent so
cieties, and your knitting and let your
natural boss do the voting.,' -Stand back;
you will be wanting to go to war next.
We will let you teach school as much as
you want to, and we will pay you - half
wages for it, too ; but be warned; we
don't want you to crowd us too much.
If I get time, cousin Jennie, I will
furnish you a picture of a female Legis
lature that will distress you I know it
will, because' you cannot disguise from
me the fact that you are more in favor of
female suffrage than I am.
MARK TWAIN.
Law and Poker.. At a far Western
Court tne case of Smith vs. Jones was
called up. . , ' ;
"Who's for the plaintiff V inquired
the J udge, impatiently.
' "May it please tho Court," said a ris
ing member of the fraternity, "Pilkins
is for the plain tiff, but I left him just
now over in the tavern playing a game
of poker. He's got a sucker there,- and
is sure to skin him right smart, if be baa
only got time. He's got everything set
to ring in a 'cold deck,' in which case he
will deal for. himself four aces and bis
opponent four queens, so that your Hon
or will perceive that hp must rake 'tho
persimmons" . ; : f
"Dear me," said the Judge, with a
sigh, "that's too bad 1 It happens at a
very unfortunate time I I am very anx
ious to get on with this case." ..
A brown study followed, and at length
a nappy tnougut struct tne Judge i
.''Bui, said he, addressin
ol the absent rilkius, who had just
spoken, "you understand poker about as
well as Pilkins.- Suppose you1 'go over
and play his hand." .-. r-- -; ?
And Bjll did it. -
m U9 iirauu
They are always having terrible acci
dents in Portland (Me:)1' We clip the fol
lowing from an exchange j " -: '
A Portland (Me) lady attempted to.
kill a ratin her parlor, when the vermin
retreated up uer cioining upon ner back.
The woman fled shrieking from the room
fell down stairs ; in doing which she
turned a complete summersault and land
ed on her back, killing tho rat in the
concussion.
Poor rat 1
An Alabama editor in puffing a groce
ry kept by a woman, says : Her tomatoes
aro as red as her own cheeks ; her indigo
as blue as9 her own eyes ; and her pep-,
per as hot as h cr own temper.
Of all the young women mentioned in
the Bible, Ruth seems to have- treated
her sweetheart worst. She . pulled bis
ears and trod, on bis corn. . ' .
A Detroit paper publishes the follow
ing item as sober fact: Horace Greeley;
and Charles A. Dana 'were' exercising
their yelocipedes in NewvYork; Tuesday
evening, when in a 'trial of- speed- -they
collided ; both were thrown but not muon .
injured.,, , i;.; . j---: af.
The 'first thing a man taken to ia liff
is milk the last is bis bier.