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THE TIMES, JSQJJWQAy UGjj?T H, 1895.
Layover Say, Rust, what was de
Restover Well, de doctor, tol' me
Tbe Comliis Wonuiu.
Adam smiled significantly.
"Thls morning wo had morning. At 12
m. we Tiad noon. What Is bound to come
&t the close of tbe sixth, day?"
He gazed at the Betting sun.
"Why, Eve, of course."
The feoling stole o'er him that one of his
ribs might bo a sparo-rib. New York
TH12 HORSE'S EltltOR.
1 Cab Driver: "lie's running away!
Help! Help! Help!"
2 Help!! Help!!
8 florce: "Well, I'll declare, after all
that trouble to find this word Is
"tired" Instead of "hired."
When Bloomers Are A How able,
fler bloomers filled the public eye
Asd put folks in the best of humors.
This Is the simple reason why;
because, you see. she filled the Woomc
Be held a Jatch-key in his hand
And musically swore.
Alas! his Jaglet did not know
It was the cellar door.
Over the "Watchman.
Chey burled the watchman deep In the
They buried him good and dorp;
And on his headstone these words they
"Be Is sleeping his lastTong sleep "
Urs. New "Woman Georg-e, this
paotfcer's used to be.
cause o' yer quittin' work?
to rest awhile after each meal.
ALBERT EDWARD'S COSTLY JOKE.
How Ho Smashed tbe Crockery and
Furniture of an Elderly Countess.
Albert Edward, Frtnce of "Wales, Is per
baps the most popular man In England, says
the New York Herald. This popularity Is
due to his love of sports aud all manly traits
which are particularly commendable in the
eyes of the average Britisher. As a youth
his audacity and appreciation of a Joke,
either as a perpetrator or victim, were "well
One of his early escapades resulted in her
Majesty the Queen footing a bill for broken
crockery and wrecked furniture which tho
young prince caused in the house of one o
the lesser members of the nobility. A
rather elderly countess, whose quick tem
per and sharp tongue drove even her serv
ants away from her, aderlised for a foot
man The prince, to whose ears tales of the
peculiarities of the old lady had come, re
solved to leach her a lesson He, therefore,
presented himself in disguise at her lady
ship's house and applied for the position
The countess had Just finished her break
fast, and, pushing her chair back from the
table, instructed the servant to bring lie
fore her the applicant The prince was
thereupon ushered Into the room The count
ess looked him over from his feet up
Apparently pleased with the appearance
of the prince, she said. "Let me see you
Albert Edward did as commanded and
walked backward and forward hcveral
times across the floor from one end of the
room to the other, now walking briskly
at tiie request of tbe old lady and then
pacing slowly, as she wished to obtain
points on this score.
This performance over, the countess or
dered him to trot. The dining room still
the scene of action, the prince trotted
around it spvcral times. When this exer
cise was completed he again came to a
standstill near the head pt the table, where
the countess was seated. Her lad j ship
seemed pleased, and was just on the point
or asking the young man some questions
about himself, when he shouted:
"Now see me gallop!"
Grasping a corner of the tablecloth firm
ly In one hand, the prince rushed around
the room, pulling the crockery off on
the floor in a heap, knocking over the fur
niture, and finally winding her ladyship
up in the folds of the cloth. He. then bolted
for the door, leaving the countess sput
tering and shouting and the servants run
ning about in a-diitracted way to lib
erate their mistress and quiet her rage.
In tiie hubbub and confusion the prince
ei-caped. The nes.t day a check from the
keeper of the pnvy purse settled the
amount of the damages and likewise es
tablished the identity of the mischief
maker. Changed His Mine.
Husband I really think you might have
bad tbat ball dress made a little bit higher
in the neck, to say nothing of f be back.
Wife I'll have itclianged.if ou wish, but
this stuff cost $10 a yard.
Husband Um well, never mind. Tit
Bits. A Historical Item.
One day recently in a Dundee school the
teacher was examining the class in history
aud asked one of the boys: "How did
Charles I die?"
The boy paused for a moment, and one of
thcolherlads.by way of prompting him, put
his arm up to bis collar to signify decapl
tatiou. Boy No. 1 at once grasped, as he thought,
his friend's meaning, and exclaimed to the
great amusement of the class: "Please, sir,
he died of cholera." Loudon Morning
Talked Baclc to the Police.
0'Tool I hit a man on the head to-day.
O'Fake What for?
O'Toole He spoke as how the President
was a public servant, and then said as how
I was ono, too. Now York World
The tax decision comes along
To shed a gleaming ray
Of hope upon tbe path of him
Who had no -tax to pay.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
cookiug- is not half as good as
"It beats all Low lucky some men are."
Bald Uncle Jabez Sassafras, In a half
meditative, tone, as if talking to himself.
"That's so," I replied, sure that lie liad
something In his mind which he was de
termined to tell.
"1'ou know Tom Teeters, who used to
live around here, don't you?"
"I used to know him, but I haven't
heard of him for a good while. Have
"What Is the news about him? What
particular stroke or luck has lie met with?"
"lie went out to Indiana some years ago.
Did pretty well, but nothing remarkable.
He was to have been married week be
fore last, and that is where his good luck
came in. Providence interposed and saved
"He was kicked to death by a horse the
day before the wedding was to have
come off," rittshurg Chronicle-Telegraph.
She I'm glad jou admire my gown, but
I don't like it Itmakes mo look older than
lie, gallanty Oh, impossible, Miss Clara.
Peuny Illustrated Paper.
Smlzler You're foolish to buy a straw
hat Just at ihe present time
Blzley Why so?
Smlzler Walt until a" good east wind
comes and you can get ono for nothing
Gushing Visitor And so this Is your lit
tle baby brother? Bcssern, Ittle tootsl
wootsiel See him smile. What's ittle
bessed pettie smiliug about?"
Boston Child, apologetically Ho fsn't
old enough to know that ho ought to keep
a straight face, even It your pronunciation
Is a little pecnliar. Good News.
Those FoolihU Quotloim.
iStirfkins (a neighbor) Hello, Jones,
v hat you doiu'? Laj ing down a carpet?
Jones (who has just whacked his thumb)
No! you blasted idiot the carpet was
here when we moved In. I am just put
ting the floor under it. Truth.
Tommy (down in the street) Oh, pa, put
your head out of the window a mr.lutc
Pa (putting his head out of the window)
What is it, Tonimj?
Tommy Nothing, except I have gota bet
with Johnny Jones that jour bald place is
bigger than his pa's bald place Texas
Professor: "I'll tako them homo
to the children to keep them quiet. "
"Not so bad. I am approaching
our dear little homo."
How Ho Did It.
Ethel (aged 4) Did jou know Adam
named all the animals?
Frances (aged 3) Bid he name the ele
phant? - ""
Ethel Of course he did.
Frances (arter a wonderuig pause) now
did he name the elephant?
Ethel (in a superior tone) Why, I sup
pose he looked at the elephant and he
said, "I think jou look just like an ele
phant, and I guess I'll call jou 'ele
phant.' " That's why he did it. Ex
"So you consented to your father's mar
rying again?" ,.,
"Yes, It was agreed that I should have
all their wedding presents and my new
mamma's engagement ring, so I con
What to Do.
"There's the devil to pay in the coun
try," said the major. "Hang him!" cried
the colonel; "money's too tight; let him
wait like everjbody elsel" Atlanta Con
stitution. Never Mind.
He My views on bringing up a family
She Never mind your views. 'I'll bring
up the family. You go and bring up the
One Great Drawhaok.
Ethel She would ha-ve married him were
it not for one thing.
Jdarle What was that?
Ethel He had no bad habits for her to
break him of. Detroit Free Press.
A gentleman went Into a chemist's shop
"Do jou keep a good cure for corns?"
"Yes, sir; here you have an excellent
preparation. One of my customers has
been using it for the last fourteen years
with very good results. EI Diluvio.
A Husband's Bitter Cry.
"How strangel Tb2 more teeth my wife
losfl, the more snappish ehe grows."
Imbibed Water TYlth His Milk.
Miss Gushlelgh I could just live on the
beautiful blue water. Couldn't you, Mr.
Mr. Baler I did once. I was brought
up on the bottle. Truth.
r?n ' ' (rtr1lITJ rsn - ia8i(p2l?jL
-T-2tr - V yXiitSiru -el-i - " IJ '-IE1533
He couldn't speak correctly
And had never read a book,
And" in luodlctlonary"' " "
He had never cared to look.
He never saw a grammar
So his verbs tlwe.re never straight,
. And there seemed to ben vacuum
'Neatb the surface of his pato.
He couldn't do arithmetic.
Nor algebra the same,
And bless me, if this fellow
Could even write his name.
Though shy of education
And the things that others know.
Ha knew Jt all in baseball,
And was' never counted Blow.
, Knew, thename of every, player,
And the.averages they made.
And for diamond Information
Laid them all out in the shade.
II& talked aboutltallthe time,
And made himself a bore,
And tttougrf'.jgno.rant in other lines
He.alwaya.kuew the score.
To the Core.
"Do you can$idgr,Lifter strictly honest?"
"Honest to a fault" Why, he told me with
out my asking that he stole thatdognehad
witli him last evening." Boston Transcript.
Deferring the Trouble.
"What iu the world shall I do with the
baby, John? Shes crying for the moon "
"That's nothing Walt till she's 18
aud she'll want the earth. "Truth.
Ot T a
"Dear mo;novshAHT got home?
The road is blocked."
ry9 S-l3ss. " ; '
"I must descend, and by a little
care 1 shall be landed in front of
my own -window. "
Should Know Better
He'd Witnessed baseball and was sane!
Seen footbalLteanis kick off;
But died from softening of the brain
Brought on by games of golf.
i Now York Sun.
A Little Nature Leftl
"Unnatural ebildl" moaned the old man.
She wept. - r
"Have you made up your mind to go on
the stage?"be fiercely.demandcd.
"No, father," f-hc faltered. ''The, part
does not call for It,"
f t".T.orgvc me, i You "
He gathered her to lhis bosom. , ,
are not quite so. unnatural as I
though V' Detroit Tribune- ,.
Tommy P.awrwuat Is the board of edu
cation? Mr. Tigg In tho days when I went to
school it wjas a pine shingle Indianapolis.
Journal. -usn -
Ho Didn't Fight. ., s
"Willie, have youibeen In another fight?"
"No, mamma. Tbis feller outclassed me
and I wasn'tlnliU's-Brooklyn Life. .
"Have you the tAcsof By-Gone Days?' "
askod the younglSdy Entering thebookstore.
"Yes,"" replied" ttfi? polite clerk, with a
bow, "wo havePIo'rne of last year's calen
dars." Yonkers Statesman.
, . Not Ifif Knows It.
-Maud A chajergp la not up-to-date
now. i l
-.Marie You betlBhe Isn't up to any date
that I make. 2sTqw Ynrk World.
Then and Now.
In days of old, us we are told
In btories and" In songs,
Men went afield, with spear and shield,'
vTo Tight their ladles1 wrongs..
Butchanged the ways in modern days
('Tis something midst time,'a Tyn:ok8)j
Men hustle down Into the town
And write their ladies checks.
"In this country'," said the optlmlat
patriot, "tho vote of tho millionaire has-no
more weight than tho poor laborer."
"No," snid the pessimist anarchist, "It
hasn't. But tho millionaire docEn't have
to vote. Ha juat buys a legislature."
Speaking of poverty", what an amusingly
elastic term It lal A jfoung scion of an
aristocratic Philadelphia house was re
cently visiting an aunt; who, he v?m
much surprised to discover, did not num
ber a set of oyster forks among her pos
sessions. The fact evidently mado a deep im
pression on him, for he alluded to it sev
eral times during his visit, after the frank
fashion of unsophisticated childhood, and
when taking his leave said, witti great
"Well, good-by, Aunt Mary. I had
really no Idea you were so poor, but"
affably "you seem very happy!" Footlights.
How RIjirs Waltes "Op.
"Bow do you manage to wake up so early
every morning?" inquired Boggs of his
friend Biggs, who goes to work at 6.
"Alarm clock," replied Biggs.
"Ihaveone, too, butl never hearitgo off."
"I never hear mine, either," declared
"Then how In the world do you wake
t "My wife wakes me every morning by
kicking me in the back and saying: Tor
goodness' sake, get up and stop ihe alarm
on that clock! It will arouse the neigh
borhood.' By the time Tarn awako It has
stopped "San Francisco Post.
A Brooklyn Obltuury Poem.
Little Willie, b has left us;
Set the gates of heaven ajar!
He has gone to meet the angcl3,
Having met a trolley car.
Brooklyn papers please copy and charge
to the trolley companies. Truth.
What ne Was.
" It was Henry Clay, was i t not, who said.
'I would rather bo ngh tthanbePresIdent?"
"Yes, but ho wasn't"
"He was loft." Brooklyn Life.
At the Coast.
"You have saved my daughters at tne
risk of your own life from a watery grave,
young man. May I infer from this that jou
have the means to establish a household of
your own?" Fliegende Blatter.
Her bead had dropped upon his shoulder.
"If only," he whispered, "thy cheek
could remain there foreverl"
Little thought he what was to be.
Little thought he until he got home and
tried to remove her cheek from bis dress
coat with ammonia and alcohol. Detroit
"Gracious! I've dropped my pre
"Yes, darling, the fact is the trains
were so slow I have decided to use here
after this little invention of my own. "
"Are you sure this Is a genuine Kubcns7"
asked the cu&tomor.
"Sure! " cried tho picture dealer. "Ill
prove it. Rubens!"
"Yc, sir," said the clerk at tbe back of
the store. k
"Who painted tbis old master?" t
'Me , sir, " taid the clerk.
But the customer was net catisfied and
went away without, buying It. Hifrper's
Young Stoutly Where's my father7 On,
Jtia's off to the cattle show. I never see much
of him. His main hobby in life is fat pigs "
Miss Prettipirt I wonder he doesn't take
more interest in you. Texas Siftings.
Behind the Scenes.
"I may be a living picture tho repre
sentative of an art "
. -She slipped on her bronze bloomers
"Butl am no tintype."
Carefully -wrapping herself In rayB of
flight to keep from catcblngr cold she
waited for tho rising of the curtain. New
Hard to rieaso.
"It's hard to ptease you," Eald the delin
quent subscriber to tho impecunious editor.
"You think so?"
"Yes; you wouldn't be happy if you were
coroner in a dead town." Atlanta Coa
All or None.
Unequal portions seem to be
" Allotted unto man,
For some have all and others naught.
And this by nature's plan.
Why are some portions cut so large
And others cut so small?
And I have noneatall7
When a woman a secret has to keep,
And proud she is to show It,
Naught makes her madder than to find
That no one wants to know it.
Longest Egyptian Railroad.
The longest Egyptian railroad now ex
tends to Girgeh, 326 miles from Cairo.
It Is soon to be extended to the first cata
ract, 710 miles from ths coast. This
means, of course, an ultimate railroad
connection with the British possessions
in South Africa;
SHE PREFERRED BLOOMERS.
1 lltJw' i 3feL,j &
Rev. Snorter Ah, Willie, I've called to see why you didn't attend
Sabbath School this morning". Are you ill, my lad?
"Willie Naw, ain't ill. Sister's got a bicycle, an' is out wid my
SUSAN COULDN'T BE TB.USTED.
She Would Borrow und Her Husband
A long-legged, gawky sort of a chap from
down the Potomac who was visiting Wash
ington was walking about the office of the
Arlington Hofel, apparently gazing on it as
one of the sights of the Capital when one
of the clerks tackled him for a bit of fun,
says the New York Sun.
"Is there anything' we can do for you?"
Inquired the clerk.
"I reckon not," was the reply.
"Perhaps you would like a room, if you
are going to be in town?"
"Well, I reckon I ain't; leastways, not
"Do you think of coming?" ''
"Well, yes; me and my wife has been
talkln' about it."
"Of course, if yon come, you won't find
a better place than this to stay. "We are in
the finest quarter of the city, andtha
White House is just across the street."
"Is that so?" exclaimed the rooster.
"Then it ain't no place for my wife."
This was a startler for the clerk.
"Why not?" he asked In surprise. "She
would be greatly pleased."
"In course bhe would. Sbo would be
tickled to death, she would, but I won't let
"You don't know- my wife, I reckon?"
"I have never bad that pleasure," bowed
"In course you haven't. She's a fine
woman, but she's got her weakness."
"But life in this hotel would bring her
around all right."
"That's-what you say, young feller, but
I know Susan Why, ef she come here to
live she wouldn't be here a week till she'd
be runnin' acrust the street seven times a
day to borrer some dern thing er other frum
the White Houe folks. She can't help It
to save her life, but they're kinder used to
itin our place, and it makes it come a good
deal easier on me than it would here,
where people is some different in their no
tions. No, sir; ef we come to Wasbin'ton
to stop any time I'm goln to git in the
sooburbs, where Susan will have room to
spread without bumpin' up ag'mst the
fust families "
"Sir," said the indignant alderman, "are
you not aware that were I to vote for your
nieasu relwouldbe exposedtothecondemna
tiou of all the good citizens in my ward?
And that sort of thing," he added, lowering
hisvolce, "comes pretty high, you know."
Cause for It.
Mix You look despondent. Engagement
Dix Yes. Her mother accuses me of
getting my fiancee loaded.
Mix Heavens! Where did it happen?
v Dix At the drug store. Clerk made a
mistake, aud gave her the soda that had
the wink in it, New York World.
She goes without a chaperon.
Aud that's one reason, sir.
Why everybody joins, I ween,
Iu looking after her.
Aud now since the law of bicycles and
carriages being provided with lanterns Is so
strictly enforced, wo think It right aud
proper for canines, pedestrians and eques
trians to appear the same way Judge.
His Turn Next.
New woman has a lot to learn.
Emerging from her prison.
The new man says it's now bis turn
To talk; she's got to listen.
New York Recorder.
Little Dot I don't see how cows can eat
Littlo Dick I 'spose when they Is young
the mother cows keeps saying to their chil
dren: "If you don't eat grass, you shan't
have any pio." Good Housekeeping.
Visitor Where did you get
Johnnie Naw, it was after I
-'"frriXtfifiF, 1jt.n Vy
One Woman's Wisdom.
He Why Is It women talk mora than they
She I presume It la because men don't
care what women think. Detxiot Fres
Ships That Paw Into the Kntzhfc
Sir A rthur spoke.
"The ships that pass here are schooners."
And as the beer went down there were
smacks on his Hps New York World.
USED TO IT.
1 Smoky Smoke: "See man? We kill
-j' jMk r$
2 (With clubs they pounded litm an
3 He: 'It's no use, Kentlenien;! use4
to boa baseball umpire."
"Sugar," remarked Johnny, as he llfteo.
several lumps to his open face, "has reached
the top notch and a drop may be expected.7
"I love and I am loved."
"Then you must be perfectly happy."
"Butitlsn't thesanie man.' Life.
HE GOT IT.
" III --"
tanned so badly Johnnie, in swim
was in swimmin', when.1 came home.