The morning times. [volume], March 29, 1896, Part 3, Page 17, Image 17

About The morning times. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1895-1897

Image provided by: Library of Congress, Washington, DC

                
THE WASHINGTON TIMES hmmu
Part 3
"WASHINGTON, D. C., SUNDAY MORNING, MAliCII 29, 1S0G.
LS THESE MORTALS
AN
DYLL
APRL
WHAT
BE
.
:,0
lift
" I t
I II i fc ?
a.CE upon a time" in truUi,
quite recently then.' were
fomefislilliat were haul to be
of greatdepth, hothas to t heir
bailiwick and intelligence.
One Would e-neso frnm llilc
description that they were taw-fiMi, that
Is, wise-saw fish, hut they were not. They
were eimpij- hucKeru; yec mey knew It
was April 1'ool'b Day.
On tljat Fame
day a man went
Fooling the Fishes-Bait 3SSa J "J
Without Hooks. sot him down on
the wharf and let
downhisliiicand
bait. The water
was clear and he
could ee the
6uckers blinking
and winking at
each other and
rubbing their
nuouts, against
tlie tempting
bait.
"HeiliinkKhe's
run up against
the highland
suckcr."mid fin
ny No. 1 to. scaly
No. -, and noo
dle No. :t i early
swallowed the
bait at short
range laughing
at the sucker at
the o'lier nil of
the'ne. But he
fWifdrifJitalong
till the fun grew
hot.imd (hen he
Tilled his pipe
and hauled up
his line.
Nov.h-'reisa
moral 'nthisMo
ry. Th'-re was
no jojK in the
merry li'-l.er-m
a n ' s b a i r,
wlui h goes to
show that peo
ple who .ue too
wise to "Lite"
very often get
left. e en as the
fish didn't know
a good Uiing
when it was in
dubitably i n
their line.
And on that
same day in the
same generation,
a spinster lady
declined to ojX'ii
a letter, good
forthisdayonlv,
no rain checks. Is
sued, which letter
con tninoda bona
fide healed pro
IKaltj,.Uheand MieMioukl tarry
togetlier at Jeri
cho, or an j place
elM- where there
was good tarry
ing, swooning
and crooning in
the thick after
noon iK-rfiimeof
lot uracil orange
blos.-om. And
the next da j the
died.
Oil the 1st of
April, la-t, a
joung wieacre,
who lives on
New Ilauipclure
aieuuc. received
a letter ,y f.pe.
cial im-sMMiger.
It wab fcuper
bcribedina plain
round hand, and
in the left-hand
corner were the
words "Pmate;
marked down to
10, former val
ue &o." The
letter was re
turned to the
writer, with the
remark on the
margin. "Don't
need any spring
clothes." The
lot terrnerel j con
tained a part
Iiaynient of $20
on a $30 -debt
or honor" which
accrued from
lost borrowed
chips
So when the
bride of only
two Aprils tcle
Kraphed to her
husband In New
i'ork from
"Washington the
thrilling mc-s-fiage.
"Two ana
all's well," lie re
ceived it, "Two
and all swell."
He replied 'Had
eight. -a j self and
feel much swcll
er." She ws a
little -mrpi-ised,
to be sure, and
whei icy grow
up she will tell
the twins about
the mind reading
capaeu y cf a
handsome clerk
of the Oimis Of
fice. These hlMorl
calcaes are not
ed by way of pre
lude to i he slate
ment rhat April
Fools' Day Is
again with us, or
will be on "Wed
nesday next. Af
ter these i-ad ex
amples of mind
read mg, it will
be only t tie more
perplexing to
discover the dif
ference between
looking the gift
horse !u the
mouth and the
gift horse him
self should lie
gallop up to the
door.
One half of the
world will begin
on "Wednesday to,
play pranks on
Uie other half,
and it is an in
teresting day be
cause we have
only two such
days on Uie cal
endar, the other
being Talentine
Day. Election
day Miotild. per
haps, be added,
buttoallofthem
FaUier A braham
undoubtedly re
ferred when he
got off the fa
mous bit or phi
losophy, "You
can fool all of
the people tome
of Uie time, etc.,
etc. otr. ."
The misfortunes of the day are hke the
premonlUons of fctieezeg. STou know they
are coming, but you can't prevent their
arrival, so It is much better to Miecze
at once, even If your mouth Is full of
turtle soup, than to fight against the in
evitable. It Is better even to take in
the bundle on Uie doorstep than to kick
Ef 55
Vtr
JEm)
Some Old and New Jokes Suggested
The Times for Next Wednesday.
Of Course the Small Boys' WeMried and Proven Schemes Wil
Hold Sway, hut There Is a Chance to Extend Them
into Municipal and National Life
TH SUMS
uoke
by
v d y
f art" and 'Teller." havinsr done -which ha
strode oat of the room. leaviojr the second
fiddle- to play out the score.
It will probably be a bad d7 for king
makers, ho wevcrgooditniay be rorpotitical
fctol makers. In a quiet, coay room In a
Philadelphia hotel there are gathered
together the elect of the Warwlcka
of this day and generation, fore
most among whom are Piatt, Quay and
C I ar krer .
"V.
fffj VfLLET vairR
STRlFHi iu v
rti r SL. . x pA.
.,mn jr.r.
iA the o rryki ittL -T Ak
Some Ancient and Honorable April Fool Jokes.
Uie little stranger Into the street. There
may be millions awaiting the long-lost
heir before jou die.
The compliments of the season are firstly
due to Uie three destinies of "Washington.
Messrs. Koss, Truesdell and Poweil. Tliej
will do a land-office business on April
Fools' I)a . They will be bitting at a Uel
shazzar's feast, and lo' there appears on
Uie wall a strange bcroll in the Kalorama
dialect.
The Attorney for the District and the
interpreter of the clastic law of the local
Medcs and Persians Is called in and he is
promised fine raiment and an amethystine
ring ir he expounds the letters of fire on the
wall. Kefer.'ncc to Uie snap shot of the oc
casion will be found in the margin or tins
page. Of course, tins maj not happen, but
it ought to, which isa much better considera
tion. There is one place in the United States
where eerj thing can happen, proidcd
always it is not something practical even
will enforce the rules and order the gal
leries to be cleared.
Mr. Morrill of Maine Mr. President, I
have lieen llfty jcars in the Senate in the
ambassadorial capacity of a Senator from
Maine, atrl I have ncer jet heard
The Toreign Voice I am a talker my-f-clf.
(Renewed applause from Uie gal
leries.) The President The sergeant-ai-arms will
arrest that obnoxious peiaonage.
The galleries are cleared, and the ser-
whlch to exclude the April Foots Day dis
turbers of the White House peace.
In the mind's ee, without even a warm
application of the Roentgen ray, it is easy
to see the fighters against follv seated at
the table in what the President told the
delegation of Baptist ministers was his
"workshop." Ip a certain sense, tin-, is
true, because It is there lie saws wood. The
President casts aside carefully all tlie
suspected letters and puts all the packagi-v
Iu a tub of water near him on the floor
to kill the microbes and anymcidental dyna
mite. The morning is passed away pleas
antly, and he asks for a cigar.
"What kind, extellenzaZ" queries F. A.
H '!'.. in one-third Spau'sn and two-thirtls
Iiayard.
"A Duke of Veragua," replies excellenza.
and Fie-Tt!oi!sard-DolIars-a-Year in the
future opens a new Ijok. The rest of this
story is done in black and white pictonally
on this Seventeenth Page. In scene the sec
ond the unfortunate bot-opener la on his
tr
, )
iiiiinwifi ll'ir i5j
4m
April 1 at the District Building:.
A Neat Little April Eiiect in the Senate.
a Joke. To guess the name of that place
is not as hard as guessing the number of
five black beans in a transparent jar. It
is the United States Senate,
In the afternoon of "Wednesday next,
after the morning hour, the Cutian olla
podrida will be in full blast. Senator
Lodge will hae spoken on the letter that
never came to Secretary Olney, Senator
Mills will hae taken Cuba "vi et aimls,"
and Senator Hale will have delivered his
accustomed eulogy on the late Don Canovas
de Quixote. The listening Senate ib suddenly
startled by a thin foreign voice, which
says, "I'm something of a talker mjself."
Applause breaks out in the galleries.
The President of the benatc-If these
demonstrations are repeated the President
vtw n
A Joke on the Republican RiBg-sters
geantr.it-arms and Firsts Assistant Stewart
rush up into the peanut' reservation. They
return and report that the miscreant has
escaped.
The Presldent-The Senate "will be In
order.
Mr. Chandler As I was saying, Mr.
President, I
The Torclgn Voice I am something of a
talker mjself.
Nothing could exceed -the commoUon in
the Senate when its courtesy was thus sat
upon and spat upon by this intruder. It
was the eagle eje of Senator Sherman
of "Our Foreign Relations" Committee
that discovered the intruder, winch was
quietly looking askance at the President
out of its white-winged eye, a beautiful
queen red and gold parrot direct from Bar
celona. "It Is a Spanish spy," declared Mr.
Lodge.
"It should be shot at drum head," as
severated the fiery Tennessean.
"Try it from the clock," said Mr. Mills.
"Willi the Presidential gun," added Mr.
Hill of New 1'ork. i
Suggestions, however, do not kill birds
at long range, and. the pages were on the
qui vive of excitement lo be let loose on
the most consistent talker at that moment
In the Senate. They were eager for the
bird to fly down and light on tlie bald head
of some Senator, like the eaglathat alighted
on the head of the husband of Tanaquii.
But the spy did not move, keeping his
sinister eye on the Vice President, and
evidently getting ready to sing his unwel
come song again.
Mr. Lodge Eutcka, lMr. President: Per
scalam ad avem.
The President Gqod; has the scrgeant-at-arms
a ladder about him?
The sergeant-at-arms at -once procured
Uie ladder on which he climbed into office,
placed it up against the lintels of the' east
door, and reached for ithe parrot, which
was seated on the Senatorial clock a la
Poc's raven.
Did the sergeant-at-arms land the bird?
Not on your negative. The bird had a
string tied to him and. he'-was hauled aver
the parapet, and tle small boy at the oUicr,
end of the string simply hauled In the fes-'
the Spaniard, opened a -gallery door and
went down stairiand .filled himself full of
apple pic.
This may not happen.but It ought to. A
son of one or the surviiors of the Ford's
Theater disaster would be tlie logical perpe
trator of this lecfure by the pariot to the
Senate.
Too mucU .sympathy cannot be -wasted be
tween now and "Wcdnesdaj'onthefeeilngs of
the Chief Magistrate "with respect to his
mail and exprc packages on the day -we
celebrate. Thcrofhavc plrendj' been con
ferences between him anci Fldus Achates
Henrlcus Tiberius on taii; beet manner in. I
rjtt&n.
knees ascrvatmg in shattered sentences to
the accusation or the Potentate of the Poto
mac that he smelt treason in the tainted
gale.
"if third term doesn't go, lese mnjeste
doe-." thunders the man of destiny.
"1 know it doe?, Your Majesty, but by
the saber of my father I knov not who is
the nuereant, unless it be some godless
member of the 1. W. X. M. of the Occi
dental provinces."
"And who are they, caitiff?"
l-eonie who Need Missionaries, Ex
cellcnza." "Then, bj- mj- halidom, they shall have
Uiem galore before the ides or April."
And with that His Mijestj-seized bis tab
lets and wrote deep in the wax"'Colorado."
"North Dakota," "Oklahoma," "Stew-
til
r
Somebody's Little Joke en Groyer.
Little Willie's OrieinaJ
Idea.
U (!L
''r
T'&ryS "U
misfortune "vr K7 ""7 JaB
trying to ! J "M
doiitwheth- X Nr"V 1 H
there's a V A V l
-"vvr-' . "rv.-oB
A-N1
sV: ,', V-
J
f
.r
They are not
afraid of any
sword of Da
mocles.orknlfc up the sleeve
of Crofcer. or
any other gift
of the Greeks.
But they didn't
reckon on tie
.'deus ex ma
chiua" of a
Philadelphia
hotel.
With a rattle
of tfti plates
and a creaking
of woolen cord
a g e, down
comes Mr. Mc-Kinlej-.
stuffed
full of the
"looks that
way," and the
reast and fun
go out with the
lights and
that Is noioke.
The tevsons
of April Fool's
Day are many
and valuablelf
studied practl-callj-.
A man
stiouM not let
his hcue burn
down becaus",
wiseinhisown
conceit, I s
neighbor telLs
him that r.ts
house is on fre.
At the farce
tirnr, if all tl e
night caps and
nightdresses in
Paradise allej
are sprinkled
from the hose
of the small
boy on the roof
who has been
paid to sLai.t
"fire," It enly
goes to show
that there is a
certain degree
of
in
fin i
lire in your
own house by
looking out of L.
the window.
The place to ; r.
look is in the . ir3-'
bamcnt, or
any other In-sidepreclnct-Again
the
nan who pas
s wisely bj- a
silver dollar on
the pavement
feels had when
he looks back J JCTI-i' J
and sees that r
another man 4 t
has parted it up
safely. If it's a -
iweketbook the
eae is all t'ic
sadder. Or. If
the man w.'.o
believes that ic
is better t fa'ce
in the baby off
the d. orst p,
takes itardtelL,
hKi wife al.ut
it, maj- r pcu
the bundle to
find in itc ncof
ouroldfriTiis,
the rag labj.
So, agam. the
bnckinthehat
Is inevitable,
but it Is no use
to go home in
that condition.
It. of coarse,
requires a good
deal of forti
tude and saw
teeth to eat a
cotton batting
dumpling, or to
chew, with a
scriptural face
even a small
piece of candy
with a j-anvin-side,
but it is
said that It ha3
been done rath
er than ac
knowledge the
joke, but in "r ' !
nearlv all nf : !""
Uie instances
Uie patients
died as mar
tyrs, like the
Who let: the Z. .! T
foc eat. nut of ' 'wil '
his breadbas
ket rather thnn
be indicted for I f
dealing the
fox. I I
If you find
It yarn or cot
ton, spit n c ut i ?sgss3 &
- iiiuii. i is ' vt -5;,
Reach for all I t?it'i SS
the nunev in
sight, ric up
all the pot'et
books, open all
jour icttcrs,
receive all the
visitors in or
out of myster
ious lirdles,
foronth.s par
ticular da it's
the only way
to i o e t h.e
problemsof the
other fool. It
Is somewhat
strange that a
person wl o be
lies esat it is
theucexrcctcd
that always
happens.scoms
to look behind
him when a
small boj- jay
to him confi
dentially: "Mis
ter, jour lorse
hasdroppedhis
tail." it is
human nature
to look back
when he has
turned the cor
ner. There have
beenverymnny
8age tomes
written about
the origin and n HfTTT f
uses of April ,h; rrh7-
Fool's Day.
Som writers
ascribe to it a
Roman, and
others a Greek
origin, it is
more than likely that It began on the day
when Esau tried to pas himself off for
Isaac with their bliud parent. Abraham.
Atu.ia.tia, i.onutr, dtetovrtl tUat the
kLii.iI okC-r lad hair en hi brain and.
tho t o-n. of Esau was launched for all
the rget. They have had hairs on their
brains cer since.
j,
bcz::E:ic
jii r en
i
im
m
m
.
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