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r Parts THE WASHINGTON TIMES sio24 (iii tMSrIT-TffEmiG' TICn'T0Cti O ::::::-:;yr TO jB IN THE HALLOWEEN CAMERA Sensational Hobgob'ins of the Summer Tide Aie Laid to Rest. TIP FROM ABDUL HAMID Secretary Morton's Remedy to Pre vent the Silver Bug From De stroying Spring Wheat and Other Cereals. We leg leave to announce the discovery of a fiendish goldbugplot. wliuli meditate. Bol only a crime ngaii"-t Hie siiverbugs( but which prooses lo '.ei-tioy one of the most cherished traditions of Hie Clirts.ii.iu religion. It Is only fail to say that the V.'eMcrn Ecnators have hail some shadowy mis pving that something dreadful would oe rur during the few days Just prior to the election, liut they hae been, as et, un iible to locale it. Our information comes direct that the pold trust lias entereil Into a conspiracy ti eliminate Halloween from the calendar and substitute thcreror a new festival, to tie known as nag Day. The object of tlili scheme is apparent. It is now fast approaching the time when unnumbered pilosis will walk aud stalk In the columns of the newspapers. It lias been ordained b yanall-wise I'rov hlence th.it we bhall all have troubles of our own on Xovemtier 3, when the real Work will begin of revising the electoral arithmetic, and showing in what respect our errorsof political Judgment can lie fairly attributed lo what happened on, and not before elec tion day. As we said, these ghosts that are to re turn to haunt us are to pet up and dust for this planet on the evening of Flag Day. It Is Halloween, and no plot or bearded Roths child, whiskered Paring, or any other old thins in the pold business aided and abetted by Ilnnna and his ilk. should be permitted to change the church calendar. SHATTERING CHERISH EDTP.ADITIONS It is all well enough to have a Flap- Day, but if it will interfere with the annual Ehow of ghosts-, hobgoblins, and other hot stuff from the hereafter, we protest v. t'l a protest in our own original package, yellow label. As there Is Divine injunction for sticking to the troubles of our own. It would Le Well to Issue at the outset some clearing house certificates for a few of the raw hcads and bloody bones which have af flicted the public for the last two weeks, fourteen days in advance of tl eir advent as per the bills. We would direct special attention to some correspondence recently had with the foreign powers. We give only the re iS)11 r& plies to ciir InqtSiries on behalf of the Washitigtin and New York press. "Sir His Sublime 1'ortc objects to the word 'blood-Kurdling in your pmtoeol of OetolH-r . He, however, heps me to assure vou that no women over eighteen years or ape have been massacred or other wise killed In tl.c recent outrages of the Armenians against the Ottoman throne. "His l'orteline.ss also heps, me to say that lie will not under any circumstances fire personally on the Ilnucioft at the present range. The Dardanelles lb wide open, being closed merely on the land end',' which latter r.ict has Leen repeatedly denied In New York. 'Hie f-uii of the missing member of the Seven Stars also begs me to say that the policy'of the Drcibund vs. the Zvveihui.d is known in Europe as the Harem Scarein. Until the Drcihtiud and the Zv.cihuud are doing the Scareni. while His Porte is sub limely continuing to do the Harem. "Yrs., as ever, ".-.(UREDDIN A LI 1IAIIA." We hope to be able to prcsuit in oui ipicer cartoon on St. Patrick's Day a fac simile or the stylus witli which -". A. liab.i writ llie above writing, and also a snap shot at the little Russian dog ninth at the litre f writing -at a la Turcpie In ll-e ante t Lumber. ANOTHER HASELESS HI JlOIt. Amtlicr theory that needs a plcennc plaster lo allay its vln.lcnc v is ll.nl en gagement c f the boy orator as a Thespian. It is alis(pitely untrue that he ever plajid in East Ljiiii. llass., or thai he unperson ated l'rnnk I.evison on a dec. on the First National li.ink of Omaha We have, however, bem enabled, after diligent search, to establish the fact tli.it l.e was. one or the two t haracters on tl.e l.attlemcnl at Elsiuore. We do not know who was the phost or who was Hamlet. A complete expose of tie fails will be given on page 1 as a c urtaln-raiser on lie incrumg of November 4. There have been some so hvperrrilical -those who make money by the week writ ing up nielodramas-as to say that wheat rose from the dead recently and back isipiied the lines of our Hamlet of the roar ing rier of The West We do not under take to onch for any of the reports, but v.e do know that there has already been so much misrepresentation on the subject at bolli Congressional headquarters that it is now nnposslLle to tell which is Hamlet and which is the shade of his esteemed patent. riirllierinore.it was not Audulioii or John Tyndal, but Secretary Morton, who dis covered Scarahaeus Argenteus, or In Eng lish, the silver bug. He also discovered the liest means of keeping this insect, also called the wheat bug. out of the wheat crop No chemicals are used. He has simply surruunded the wheat fields with the relict of the Confederate States army on horseback. The wheat crop of i.e.t jear will be good, for was It not Edmund Burke or Dean Swirt, both now ghosts, who said that he was a greater benefactor to East Lnn, Mass., who could make two silver dollars where there was oi.ly one before, than Frank Levlsou, who could double the ptoductlon of wheat in WASHINGTON, I). C, ' i-sJ 1 1,. -. ' - . M ihl SUNDAY iMOBNING, "THf. ALE -' I ll -. YttL Tf5T OCTOBEB 25, 1896;- HAMLET MEETS ANEWGHOST Iowa, or corn whisky in Kentucky. E. D. Society of the Metropolitan city has been 6tirred up considerably over the numerical strength of the Montenegro royal family In girls, and the report by our"owu l!ime lallic cable that another of the girls is to visit New York this winter. Witness the following under the proin-r hand and seal: "Sir: Proposition received too late, llcl enc was the only girl and was prenu'ed to the Prince of Naples before receipt of your note. Madame Montenegro re quests me to say that she is not raising young ladies for thu foreign trade. "Yours, etc., GIORCIO PALEOLOGO, "IT. Sec." "Sir: The kodak misrepresentation of a piece of the ark fortrajed in the New York Diurnal is a fake of the first, in fart, the original, water in which the Ark was towed ashore. - - - "Yours respectfully. "PATRAS PATRASTO. "Patriarch of Armenia." "Sir: Tile engraving of the veiled prophet -of Abyssinia, who has Leen collected for 4,00o jears, but who has uotyet appeared, is the engraving -asgivenln last Surdity's New York Universe, a splendid piece of work. It was done by a special artist en ll-e spot. The likeness Is perfect. Yours, "YC.SEF DERVISH." HE DID NOT WRITE IT. 'Honored Sir: I did not write the Wat son letter iu its. entirety. I.howcver.niJde on the indejiendent, concurrent, un limited iransportallonor raw sliver, which 1 understand have been obscured by over rendition by Judge Culberon into the English or the principality of Texas. I positively did not say that "Tom Watson' should go to C.inossa.' I said Chicago. I said nothing about Mr. Juies. I don't know him. Prosit, MSMARCK" P s. Please send the new charts, dia grams, etc., of my previous letter. II." 'Sir In answer to your polite inquiry as to the contents of my letter to either Chicago or Washington, I would say that we product; watermelons iuUeorgta in the summer time. No, the peanut crop will notbeaffcetedbytlie risein wheat. Have ou seen the letter? Yours on the way to kansas. T. E. W." Honestly, we think that we have in this correspondence disabused the public mind of some egregious errors which have been Implanted therein by the canards of the season. Just as there are and have been false prophets, there arc and will be raise visions at Halloween. Dal there are some pictures that will be burned into the brain beyond erasure. Ucholdthe haste mothernf Democracy as she steals away to the cellar on Flag Night, as the Gold Trust calls it. See how, with trembling hand, she holds the wax candle in the silver stick and takes a coy glauee into the mirror. It is not Hamlet she beholds, but the ghost of Canton. Madame Democracy Is not a pretty woman at present. She is passee. She passed every goori slopping place on the road to Another Fiendish Plot of ihe Gold Bugs IsKer.in Exposed. X RAISE OF FIELD CROPS Bismarck and He'ene's Mother Set tle S. me Mooted Questions What Tom Watson Realiy Said in That Letter. the White House. She didn't even get -oft at I!.iffaIo. She Is now the apotheosis of m Idea tt.at undertook a contract to do the universe in a sleeping car. Peace to iler bones, likewise her ashes. SOME OTHER VISIONS. From tl.e awful presence of the grave jard and Ihe tracks of midnight rabbits, we lurn to the most magnificent Bobbers the world ever saw, Mr J. Kismet Jones, and Mr Mike IIai.ua. There la a study of the sulliite and beautiful: And also iu phvsics. For Instance, are chin whiskers aud a. Napoleon u belter lever to catch a Minne sota swimming apple than a bartered phiz to reiain the elusive pippin of Indiana? These wlio wish to contest for the prize answer to this problem may refer to Mr Isncc Newton's Pnncipia, iu which he dis cusses ihe apple Irutn the points ot view or gravitation and flotation with foot notes by the lialfbatk of Columbian Uui ersliy. 1 erliaps one ot the most amusing of all the forthcoming Halloween ghosts will be the specter of the "Great Democratic Landslide of lain iu Wet Virginia " It was current in the Octolwr number of Faulkner's Magazine of that year. This laiidJide lost its job doing the living pic tures tor Lemoeraey early in November. lb!4, but we are plad to see that it is out again and doing fairly well. The sarcoph agus has already arrived at a certain headquarters and rattles as If it were chock full of landslides and things for the Novemtier issue. ANTE-ELECTION RUMORS. Finally; everywhere we heur the-wheels of industry, a very bad case of wheels we think, but they are wheels all the same We also hear a few remarks aliout the gills iu the factories, and ne have heard a song about the empty dinner pail and meals and chimneys that don't sinokf The latter we regard as a postive blessing as wo are a farmer ourself. and have had someeMieriPnee with the Henry Clay chimney and the smoking meal of Jef fersoiuan simplicity. We have accepted the invitation ot the other side in this fight to touch off on Halloween night, die button which will start the wheels, the looms, fill up the dinner pails and the factory girls, make daisies bloom in December at Rosslyn. Jackson City and Hades, raise pnees, double wages. Inaugurate a universal hank account, and continue to sit on the fence completely off the gras3. Our salutiun ot the simultaneous rise anil fall of w heat will appear on the third Sunday in November. No rascal shall go tinnnnislw"l whether he wears whiskers or a silk bat. . V t -.-.At.-..-S- ! - - sfrj- 2 ;