The morning times. [volume], October 25, 1896, Part 3, Page 17, Image 17

About The morning times. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1895-1897

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Parts THE WASHINGTON TIMES sio24
(iii tMSrIT-TffEmiG' TICn'T0Cti O ::::::-:;yr TO jB
IN THE HALLOWEEN CAMERA
Sensational Hobgob'ins of the
Summer Tide Aie Laid
to Rest.
TIP FROM ABDUL HAMID
Secretary Morton's Remedy to Pre
vent the Silver Bug From De
stroying Spring Wheat and Other
Cereals.
We leg leave to announce the discovery
of a fiendish goldbugplot. wliuli meditate.
Bol only a crime ngaii"-t Hie siiverbugs(
but which prooses lo '.ei-tioy one of the
most cherished traditions of Hie Clirts.ii.iu
religion.
It Is only fail to say that the V.'eMcrn
Ecnators have hail some shadowy mis
pving that something dreadful would oe
rur during the few days Just prior to the
election, liut they hae been, as et, un
iible to locale it.
Our information comes direct that the
pold trust lias entereil Into a conspiracy
ti eliminate Halloween from the calendar
and substitute thcreror a new festival, to
tie known as nag Day.
The object of tlili scheme is apparent.
It is now fast approaching the time when
unnumbered pilosis will walk aud stalk
In the columns of the newspapers. It lias
been ordained b yanall-wise I'rov hlence th.it
we bhall all have troubles of our own on
Xovemtier 3, when the real Work will
begin of revising the electoral arithmetic,
and showing in what respect our errorsof
political Judgment can lie fairly attributed
lo what happened on, and not before elec
tion day.
As we said, these ghosts that are to re
turn to haunt us are to pet up and dust for
this planet on the evening of Flag Day. It
Is Halloween, and no plot or bearded Roths
child, whiskered Paring, or any other
old thins in the pold business aided and
abetted by Ilnnna and his ilk. should be
permitted to change the church calendar.
SHATTERING CHERISH EDTP.ADITIONS
It is all well enough to have a Flap- Day,
but if it will interfere with the annual
Ehow of ghosts-, hobgoblins, and other hot
stuff from the hereafter, we protest v. t'l
a protest in our own original package,
yellow label.
As there Is Divine injunction for sticking
to the troubles of our own. It would Le
Well to Issue at the outset some clearing
house certificates for a few of the raw
hcads and bloody bones which have af
flicted the public for the last two weeks,
fourteen days in advance of tl eir advent
as per the bills.
We would direct special attention to
some correspondence recently had with the
foreign powers. We give only the re
iS)11 r&
plies to ciir InqtSiries on behalf of the
Washitigtin and New York press.
"Sir His Sublime 1'ortc objects to the
word 'blood-Kurdling in your pmtoeol of
OetolH-r . He, however, heps me to
assure vou that no women over eighteen
years or ape have been massacred or other
wise killed In tl.c recent outrages of the
Armenians against the Ottoman throne.
"His l'orteline.ss also heps, me to say
that lie will not under any circumstances
fire personally on the Ilnucioft at the
present range. The Dardanelles lb wide
open, being closed merely on the land
end',' which latter r.ict has Leen repeatedly
denied In New York.
'Hie f-uii of the missing member of the
Seven Stars also begs me to say that the
policy'of the Drcibund vs. the Zvveihui.d is
known in Europe as the Harem Scarein.
Until the Drcihtiud and the Zv.cihuud are
doing the Scareni. while His Porte is sub
limely continuing to do the Harem.
"Yrs., as ever,
".-.(UREDDIN A LI 1IAIIA."
We hope to be able to prcsuit in oui
ipicer cartoon on St. Patrick's Day a fac
simile or the stylus witli which -". A. liab.i
writ llie above writing, and also a snap
shot at the little Russian dog ninth at the
litre f writing -at a la Turcpie In ll-e
ante t Lumber.
ANOTHER HASELESS HI JlOIt.
Amtlicr theory that needs a plcennc
plaster lo allay its vln.lcnc v is ll.nl en
gagement c f the boy orator as a Thespian.
It is alis(pitely untrue that he ever plajid
in East Ljiiii. llass., or thai he unperson
ated l'rnnk I.evison on a dec. on the
First National li.ink of Omaha
We have, however, bem enabled, after
diligent search, to establish the fact tli.it
l.e was. one or the two t haracters on tl.e
l.attlemcnl at Elsiuore. We do not know
who was the phost or who was Hamlet.
A complete expose of tie fails will be
given on page 1 as a c urtaln-raiser on lie
incrumg of November 4.
There have been some so hvperrrilical -those
who make money by the week writ
ing up nielodramas-as to say that wheat
rose from the dead recently and back
isipiied the lines of our Hamlet of the roar
ing rier of The West We do not under
take to onch for any of the reports, but
v.e do know that there has already been
so much misrepresentation on the subject at
bolli Congressional headquarters that it is
now nnposslLle to tell which is Hamlet
and which is the shade of his esteemed
patent.
riirllierinore.it was not Audulioii or John
Tyndal, but Secretary Morton, who dis
covered Scarahaeus Argenteus, or In Eng
lish, the silver bug. He also discovered
the liest means of keeping this insect, also
called the wheat bug. out of the
wheat crop No chemicals are used.
He has simply surruunded the wheat fields
with the relict of the Confederate States
army on horseback. The wheat crop of
i.e.t jear will be good, for was It not
Edmund Burke or Dean Swirt, both now
ghosts, who said that he was a greater
benefactor to East Lnn, Mass., who could
make two silver dollars where there was
oi.ly one before, than Frank Levlsou, who
could double the ptoductlon of wheat in
WASHINGTON, I). C,
' i-sJ 1 1,. -. ' - . M ihl
SUNDAY iMOBNING,
"THf. ALE
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Tf5T
OCTOBEB 25, 1896;-
HAMLET MEETS ANEWGHOST
Iowa, or corn whisky in Kentucky.
E. D.
Society of the Metropolitan city has been
6tirred up considerably over the numerical
strength of the Montenegro royal family
In girls, and the report by our"owu l!ime
lallic cable that another of the girls
is to visit New York this winter. Witness
the following under the proin-r hand and
seal:
"Sir: Proposition received too late, llcl
enc was the only girl and was prenu'ed
to the Prince of Naples before receipt
of your note. Madame Montenegro re
quests me to say that she is not raising
young ladies for thu foreign trade.
"Yours, etc., GIORCIO PALEOLOGO,
"IT. Sec."
"Sir: The kodak misrepresentation of
a piece of the ark fortrajed in the New
York Diurnal is a fake of the first, in
fart, the original, water in which the Ark
was towed ashore. - - -
"Yours respectfully.
"PATRAS PATRASTO.
"Patriarch of Armenia."
"Sir: Tile engraving of the veiled prophet -of
Abyssinia, who has Leen collected for
4,00o jears, but who has uotyet appeared,
is the engraving -asgivenln last Surdity's
New York Universe, a splendid piece of
work. It was done by a special artist en
ll-e spot. The likeness Is perfect. Yours,
"YC.SEF DERVISH."
HE DID NOT WRITE IT.
'Honored Sir: I did not write the Wat
son letter iu its. entirety. I.howcver.niJde
on the indejiendent, concurrent, un
limited iransportallonor raw sliver, which
1 understand have been obscured by over
rendition by Judge Culberon into the
English or the principality of Texas. I
positively did not say that "Tom Watson'
should go to C.inossa.' I said Chicago.
I said nothing about Mr. Juies. I don't
know him. Prosit, MSMARCK"
P s. Please send the new charts, dia
grams, etc., of my previous letter. II."
'Sir In answer to your polite inquiry
as to the contents of my letter to either
Chicago or Washington, I would say that
we product; watermelons iuUeorgta in the
summer time. No, the peanut crop will
notbeaffcetedbytlie risein wheat. Have
ou seen the letter? Yours on the way to
kansas. T. E. W."
Honestly, we think that we have in this
correspondence disabused the public mind
of some egregious errors which have been
Implanted therein by the canards of the
season. Just as there are and have been
false prophets, there arc and will be raise
visions at Halloween. Dal there are some
pictures that will be burned into the brain
beyond erasure.
Ucholdthe haste mothernf Democracy as
she steals away to the cellar on Flag
Night, as the Gold Trust calls it. See how,
with trembling hand, she holds the wax
candle in the silver stick and takes a coy
glauee into the mirror. It is not Hamlet
she beholds, but the ghost of Canton.
Madame Democracy Is not a pretty woman
at present. She is passee. She passed
every goori slopping place on the road to
Another Fiendish Plot of ihe
Gold Bugs IsKer.in
Exposed.
X RAISE OF FIELD CROPS
Bismarck and He'ene's Mother Set
tle S. me Mooted Questions What
Tom Watson Realiy Said in That
Letter.
the White House. She didn't even get
-oft at I!.iffaIo. She Is now the apotheosis
of m Idea tt.at undertook a contract to do
the universe in a sleeping car. Peace to
iler bones, likewise her ashes.
SOME OTHER VISIONS.
From tl.e awful presence of the grave
jard and Ihe tracks of midnight rabbits,
we lurn to the most magnificent Bobbers
the world ever saw, Mr J. Kismet Jones,
and Mr Mike IIai.ua. There la a study
of the sulliite and beautiful: And also
iu phvsics.
For Instance, are chin whiskers aud a.
Napoleon u belter lever to catch a Minne
sota swimming apple than a bartered phiz
to reiain the elusive pippin of Indiana?
These wlio wish to contest for the prize
answer to this problem may refer to Mr
Isncc Newton's Pnncipia, iu which he dis
cusses ihe apple Irutn the points ot view
or gravitation and flotation with foot
notes by the lialfbatk of Columbian Uui
ersliy. 1 erliaps one ot the most amusing of all
the forthcoming Halloween ghosts will be
the specter of the "Great Democratic
Landslide of lain iu Wet Virginia " It
was current in the Octolwr number of
Faulkner's Magazine of that year. This
laiidJide lost its job doing the living pic
tures tor Lemoeraey early in November.
lb!4, but we are plad to see that it is out
again and doing fairly well. The sarcoph
agus has already arrived at a certain
headquarters and rattles as If it were
chock full of landslides and things for
the Novemtier issue.
ANTE-ELECTION RUMORS.
Finally; everywhere we heur the-wheels
of industry, a very bad case of wheels we
think, but they are wheels all the same
We also hear a few remarks aliout the
gills iu the factories, and ne have heard
a song about the empty dinner pail and
meals and chimneys that don't sinokf
The latter we regard as a postive blessing
as wo are a farmer ourself. and have
had someeMieriPnee with the Henry Clay
chimney and the smoking meal of Jef
fersoiuan simplicity.
We have accepted the invitation ot the
other side in this fight to touch off on
Halloween night, die button which will
start the wheels, the looms, fill up the
dinner pails and the factory girls, make
daisies bloom in December at Rosslyn.
Jackson City and Hades, raise pnees,
double wages. Inaugurate a universal hank
account, and continue to sit on the fence
completely off the gras3.
Our salutiun ot the simultaneous rise
anil fall of w heat will appear on the third
Sunday in November. No rascal shall go
tinnnnislw"l whether he wears whiskers or
a silk bat. .
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