Newspaper Page Text
PAGES17 TO 20.
ffiTTSBimGr, SUNDAY, AUGUST 3, 1890.
RATTLE BRUM IDEAS.
Bovel Products of Misguided Genius
to be Found on File in Uncle
Barn's Patent Office.
A TOT COW WHICH GIVES HILK.
Hobbler for Chickens That Bakes Them
Take a Bee-Line Out of the Garden
When Thej Begin to Scratch.
HACHIKE TO SEMODEL TJGLT NOSES.
Torpedoes That Blow Up Brave Diejers, and a Flrhtiif
Cat Hade of Cist Iron.
rCOBHSSPOJTOKlfCE OP THX DISPATCHI
Washington, August 2. I hare (pent
the past week in looking op the freaks
of the Patent Office. Side by
tide with the greatest inven
tions of the age are classed
'the craziest offsprings of the
human train. To-day some
mighty Edison patents an
idea which lights the world
and to-morrow some lunatic
offers a plan by which all
humanity can lift themselves
to heaven by their boot-straps.
In looking through the
Patent Office yon are sur
prised at the wisdom and the
foolishness of man's intellect.
The one is as great as the
other, and from the foolish
point of view it would seem
that when an idea of a patent
creeps into an inventor's
house, common sense flies out
of his window.
Take the department of
canes and umbrellas. There
are thousands of canes of all
shapes and sizes, and one of
these is a cane and spittoon
combined. It is patented by
Myron L. Baxter, of Illinois,
and it states that the tobacco
chewer has only to suck the
head of the cane when he can slip his saliva
into it to the extent of half a pint, and that
hiB lady love or the preacher need know
nothing of it. "This cane," said he, "is of
great advantage during the continuance of
religious services, lectures and other enter
tainments." Its top is made in the shape of
a dog's head, and the opening for the ex
pectoration is made in the mouth ol the
THESE ABE CAKES AND CAKES.
Another cane has an eye-glass attached
to its head, and a third is soarranged that
a drinking man may carry his allowance of
whisky inside of it" and take his nip on the
sly. There are cane umbrellas, sword canes
and pistol canes and canes wbich are so
jointed that they can be formed into the
legs of a stool of such a nature that tbe
pedestrian can sit down and take a rest dur
ing his wait.
Some of tbe greatest fortunes are made
out of -oatent tovs.'and there are a dozen tov
inventors who have made fortunes during
the last 20 years. Among these are Cran
dall, who got up the "pigs in clover" puzzle;
Plimpton,. the man who invented the roller
skates, the inventor of the returning ball
An Automatic Doll.
and others. There are perhaps 2,000 toys in
one division of the Patent Office, and one of
the latest and craziest curiosities is a doll
baby wbich sucks the bottle. This doll is
patented by Budolph Steiner, of Germany,
and it consists of a doll baby sitting on a
pan with a bottle filled with genuine milk
on a little table in front of it A rubber
tube connects with the glass pipe which
runs into tbe bottle and going into the
month of the child runs down behind and
through tbe doll into the pan. By means
of a syphon which comes ont through the
dolls head, machinery is set to wort by
which tbe doll begins to suck and the milk
flows up into its month and out into tbe
pan. No sensible mother would ever think
of buying such a toy, yet this man Steiner
thought so much of it that he patented it
both in Germany and America, and he evi
dently expects to get a fortune out of it.
A DAIBY IK THE NIXBSEBY.
Another toy of much the same order is
the toy cow which can be milked. This
cow is made of wood or metal, and it has a
tank inside of it There are four udders
connected with this, and these have little
valves in them, so that by squeezing them
a certain amonnt of milk flows out each
time. Of course, the tank must first be
filled with milk, and this is done through a
pipe that runs up from the tank to the tail
of the cow. The inventor states that tbe
action of milking is exactly tbe same as
that of the real cow, and he has, in addi
tion, an iron wire which connects with the
jaws of the cow and runs back to this tank,
so that Dolly chews her cud while the
youngsters milk her.
fciThe illuminated cat was granted a patent
in 1864, and it is a cat oi pasteboard or tin
for the purpose of frightening rats or
mice. This cat is to be made in a sitting
posture, and it is painted over with phos
phorus, so that it shines in the dark like a
cat of fire. Its inventor states that it ought
to be perfumed with oil of pepperment
whicn is obnoxious to rats and mice, and
that while it does serve to scare the rodents
away in the dark.it may be made so as to form
& very useful parlor ornament in tbe daytime.
Another cat, equally funny, is the patent
sheet iron cat, which is worted bv clock
work and which has a bellows inside of it
which swells up its tail to the size of tbe
maddest of felines. Ii properly set it will
emI "e e1nal to e wildest of living
midnight Thomases, and it ha. in addition
' Steel claws and teeth. You wind it up and
place it on your roof, and set it to bowline.
All the cats in the neighborhood jump for
it and its poison claws kills every one It
TEEVEKTIKO GBAVE EOBBIKO.
There are numerous patents containing
the principle of the illuminated cat.
Luminous harness has been patented so that
-( a.' horse being driven at night looks like a
Aheet of chain lightning, and you think
Elijah's chariot has come to earth again.
There are luminous match boxes and
luminons ghosts to scare away grave
robbers. The patents to protect" the dead
are especially funny. After every noted
grave robbery metallic coffins come in by
the scores, and I looked at one coffin sur
rounded by bars of wrought iron binding
the casket and extending out from it at such
a distance that when set in the 'earth it
would be impossible to move it except bv a
derrick. A .New York man has invented a
coffin torpedo consisting of a canister of
powder balls and a trigger, and he warrants
it to kill any person who attempts to open
the grave in wbich it is placed. He does
not reflect that in this day of changing
graveyards some of the generations of the
fnture may want to remove their forefathers,
and may. to their great surprise, be given an
immediate introduction to them through
A Massachusetts Yankee has patented a
dynamite bomb which he places in the
tomb. This wonld shoot tbe grave robber
up to heaven, and it is equally probable
that it might send both coffin and the corpse
down to the other place. There are hun
dreds of patents for different kinds of em
balming juice, and the embalming juice
inventors fought over General Grant's body
at ML McGregor in order to demonstrate
" i f('' ''fr'yj'J '-f-
Voiding a Soree't Breait.
the virtue of their fluids. One of these,
some years ago, sent a model consisting of a
coffin with an embalmed baby in it to the
Patent Office, and was very indignant be
cause the Commissioner wonld not put this
dead baby on exhibition.
TRAPS FOB TAPEWOBMS.
One of the most ridiculous medical patents
was referred to in a recent speech in Con
gress. It is a tapeworm trap, and its in
ventor is a man named Myres, who claims
he has had great success in catching tape
worms with it It consists of a little gold
capsule about half an inch long and as big
round as a lead pencil. At the end of this
capsule there is a little ring, and to this a
silk thread is to be tied. By pulling the
capsule apart you set a spring a good deal
like that of the old-fashioned steel-toothed
rattrap, and this spring has teeth just like
the rattrap. You bait it with a little bit of
cheese, starve yourself for two or three
days and then swallow the trap, maintain
ing all the while a careful hold of tbe thread
attached to it Your tapeworm, whiclr by
this time is very hnngry, makes a greedy
dash for the cheese, and presto, the jaws of
the capsule spring together on his head, and
and you draw him out hand over hand, and
set your trap for the next worm. Another
trap for worms is the little silver hook
which one swallows, and which catches the
warms as we catch fish.
The inventions for smokers are so manv
that a division of the Patent Office has to be
given up to them. There are dozens'of de
vices by which a man can carry his cigars
around in his hat, and the pipes" are legion.
One of the most curious of pipe inventions
is a rest, or brace, by which the weight of
tne pipe is taten on tne teetb and rested on
the chin. This is said to be a very good
pipe for sore teeth, but it is doubtful
whether it would be of much use to the
A PBEACHEB ELEVATED.
In agricultural patents "the human braia-J
nas gone wild, xbe old cannon plough has
been olten referred to by which the farmer
takes his horses oat of the furrow and shoots
at the Indians. The lover's gate, however.
Is new and this consists of a gate which will
swing both ways, and which can be lowered
and raised to suit the size of the lovers. On
tbe same principle is the adjustable pulpit
which wiil fit all kinds of preachers. The
pulpit runs up and down on a pillar by a
spring, and by pressing a button the
preacher can raise it to his height or lower
it to suit It is said that this invention
was in use in one of the "Western congrega
tions, and that a short preacher had been in
vited to discourse, but had not been told of
the peculiar arrangement upon which the
Bible was placed in front of him. He was
a very active little man and he had a way of
pououiutj uig puipib auu leaumg over ana
shaking his finger at tbe congregation.
During one of his wildest moments, while
in this position, he kicked the button with
his knee, and tbe pulpit, which had been
set at three feet straightway sprang up to
six carrying the preacher kicking along
There is a patent machine here for forcing
hens to lay eggs, and there is one branch of
the patent office known as tbat of cowtail
holders. The festive cow is apt to flirt her
tail while she is beine milked, and as the
tail is not always of the cleanest this is
offensive to the pretty milkmaid. Manv of
these cowtail holders strap the tail to the
hind leg of the cow, others fasten it to a
beam over ber head, and still others weignt
the tail in such a way that if the weights
were attached to a strong-tailed cow she
might blow out the brains of the milker.
ADJUSTABLE HOBSE TAILS.
There are patents for horse's tails as well
as cow's tails, and the science of making a
horse's tail extend out from the body at just
the proper angle, is one which has bothered
the intellects of many patentees. The most
curions among them, however, is the patent
of a Yankee who has invented an "Adjust
able False Tail for Horses." He claims in
his specifications tbat this tail will puzzle
Supported by tht Chin.
and mystify the keenest critics of horse
flesh and that with it the bob-tailed horse or
the rub-tailed horse becomes qnite as valu
able as he whose tail reaches to his feet
Other patents are those for training
horses, and in many of these the hind legs
of the horse are strapped up to belts around
his body, and some are so complicated that
they wonld frighten a high-strung animal
to death. A Western man has patented a
shield to prevent a horse from being cut by
wire fences, and this consists of a sort of
armour of padded cotton or leather which is
strapped around the neck, breast and front
legs of the horse. Another way of prevent
ing horses from hurting themselves on these
fences is found in the electrical division.
The wires are charged with electricitv. and
when the horse goes against them he gets a-
shock which drives mm pact, in the same
division there is an electric plan for pre
venting horses from curbing. The manger
is charged with electricity, and the moment
the horse attempts to curb he gets a shock.
Then there is a chicken hobbler, consisting
of a spring attached to a hen's leg which, if
the hen attempts to scratch, will move it
onward, and will, in fact Talk it right out
of the garden. There is the bedbug buster,
by whieh the insects are gotten into a hop
per and killed by chloroform, and there is
also tbe tumbler flytrap through which the
flies drop into a bath of alkali.
MAKING NEW NOSES.
The patents to make women beautiful are
numerous. There are face powders by the
hundreds and bust improvers by the score'
She nose improver is one of the most icuri-
ous of these crazy patents. It has made, it
is said, a fortune for its inventor, and it
consists of a metal shell formed of two parts
wbich are connected by a hinge. The shape
of its inside is that ot a perfect nose, aqui
line, Boman or Grecian, as you prefer, and
it does all its work at night The patent
states that the nose should he first well
bathed in warm water and then greased
with olive oil until it is thoroughly soft
ened. After this the improver is to be at
tached and the person using it is to go to
bed and sleep until morning. At first it is
said, the operation is somewhat painful, but
this wears off in a few nights, and the soft
cartilage of the nose soon begins to assume
the form of the beautiful shape of the im
prover. At the end of eight weeks you have
a brand new nose which remains with you
until you get tired of it, when you buy a dif
ferent style of improver and come out in a
new nose quite different from your last one,
hut still beautiful.
A Boston woman has gotten, out a pateut
cheek beautifier, which takes away all the
bollowness and gauntness from an old maid's
chops and transtorms them into the deli
cious plumpness of sweet 16. It consists of
a spring plate with two prongs attached to
it This plate is iastene'd into tbe teeth at
night, and theprongs reaching out from both
sides prop ont the cheeks so that they lose
their hollow look, and grow round and
yonng again. This same woman has a
patent way of making the fingers tapering
and elegant by means of compression, and
she calls her patent "The Finger Com
press." GETTING ETEK WITH BOABDEBS.
Bestaurant keepers have long been
tronbled as to how to get even with their
boarders. Josephine Doriat, of New York,
has gotten ont a patent for them. It con
sists of a table and stools both of which run
on an endless chain. The diner comes in,
takes a seat on a stool, pays his 2J5 cents for
his meal and it is set before him. The table
then begins to move and the man moves
along with it It continues to move him
along till he gets to the other end of the
room and at this time he is supposed to
have finished his meal for his dishes slide
off aronnd a wheel and his stool slides out
with him. There is an endless chain of
these stools and the procession of diners and
dinners goes on continuously. The inventor
states that her improvement materially re
duces the number of waiters necessary for a
restaurant It avoids delay in serving
meals and prevents any undue lingering at
the table on tbe part of the guests.
There is a patent faro box in the model
room and there are patent dice boxes and
card games. One of the dice boxes throws
up the dice by means of a spring and the
throwing is done under a glass case, so that
it is impossible to cheat with them. Curions
bootjacks form another large class oi
patents, and one of these consists of an iron
affair made in the shape of a pistol, which
you can carry in your hip pocket and
frighten a robber with upon occasion. There
is also a patent pocketbook with a pistol in
side it When the robber asks you for your
money or your life you hand out your
pocketbook and shoot him through the
heart Other patents are still more ridicu
lous. The serious side is, however, the
great side of the Patent Office, and this I
may discuss hereafter.
Fbank G. Cabpenteb.
EUH TWO CEHIUKTEfl OLD.
It Was Hnoled From tbe Bottom .of the
Sen nml Sampled by a Major.
"Did you ever hear the story of the old
rum cask?" said Captain John Eeece yes
terday, as he handed round a fresh box of
Havanas to some aged seamen. "Away
back in the fifties, about tbe time that Bu
chanan was running for President a fishing
schooner, named the Airdlie, was out on
the banks. She was owned in Gloucester
and belonged to old Tim Jordan, who com
manded her. They had been very unlucky.
Somehow the fish wouldn't come their way,
fcnd fitraUyoiaTim'Tsaid: 'Say, Boys, 'we'll
let down onr foresheet and try to the east
erd of the banks.' Well, they gets Into
deeper water and lets down the trawl.
When they come to haul it in it was power
ful heavy and expectation was high, When
it was hauled aboard it contained only a
few fish, but hanging in the bight of it was
a big hogshead of mm.
"How did they know it was rum?"
queried a broker's clerk.
"Hush, why sailors can smell rum a mile
off," was the answer, and the clerk looked
"The cask was hoisted aboard and ex
amined, and on it was the date 1676, show
ing that it was nearly 200 years old. An
attempt was made to tap it, but the oak had
got so hard that it broke every auger on the
schooner. It was taken into Salem, and
after much difficulty it was tapped. AH
the city dignitaries had assembled on this
auspicious occasion, and the duty of having
the first taste of this ancient liquor devolved
upon the Mayor. Slowly a clear, amber
colored fluid trickled out into the glass, and
when about two-thirds full the Mayor raised
it reverently to his lips, his courtiers stand
ing around eyeing him in an awestrnck
"Throwing his hesd back, and with a
graceful upward turn of the elbow the Chief
Magistrate allowed the liquid to trickle
down bis throat Suddenly he was ob
served to stop, clap his hands on his
stomach, ejaculate 'Oh, my eyes and limbs!'
and per orm a war dance. Tbe fact was all
the liquor had, of course, leaked out, and
what had soaked in was something worse
than bilge water."
THE BABEST SEA SHELL.
It la tbe Cone ot tbe Holy Mary and Only
Two Specimens Are Known.
New York Sun.
"What is the rarest shell of all?"
"That," said the conchologist "is a ques
tion that I'answer about a hundred times a
a month, by mentioning the superb speci
men that is called 'The Cone of the Holy
Marv.' Why it i so called I do not know,
but it is the rarest, because there are but
two Known specimens in existence. One of
them is in London, in the British Museam,
I believe, and the' story is told that the
shell is valued at several thousand pounds
sterling a sort of Koh-i-noor among shells
of wondrous beauty and rarity."
"What is the larcest shell known?"
"The giant oyster. You can see giant
oyster shells on exhibition in front ot sev
eral well-known oyster saloons uptown.
They are imported from India. I remember
that I imported a pair that measured 3
feet by 4. They weighed nearly 500
"And the smallest shell?"
"Is 'the rice shell. Lying in bulk in 'a
basket or barrel the shells would be readily
mistaken for rice grains."
. A TBUHPET FBOM THE SEA.
It Is a Shell Nearly Two Feet Lode end
"What is the 'trumpeter?' " asked a re
porter of the Hew York Sun, of a promi
nent shell merchant The latter went to a
case in the rear of the store and lifted ont a
conch-shaped shell nearly two feet in length
and marked like a tortoise shell. A hole
bad been drilled in the surface at the large
end of tbe shell. The merchant placed his
lips to the hole and blew. A rich, sonorous
trumpet blast re-echoed and reached through
the store and brought passers-by to a stand
still in the street They stared in open
eyed wonder at the man in the doorway
blowing UDon a handsome shell.
"It isn't necessary to explain further why
it is called the trumpeter, is it?" exclaimed
the merchant with a smile.
"This shell comes from Singapore, and
belongs to the Triton family. Sailors often
use it as a fog horn, and it makes a good
one, too. Perfect specimens of the shell are
worth from 10 to $ 15. This is a IS speci
men. Its markings, or, rather, what con
chologists call its drawings, make it worth
Howard Fielding Has an Encounter
With the Hew Law There.
FEIEHD OF HIS FAMILT 8H0CKED.
Pickles, Crackers, Tables and Chairs as
COCKTAILS AB P0WEEFUL AB ETEE
tmimra ros the sujim.tcb.1
s In passing through Boston a few days ago
I met a middle-aged temperance crank, who
claims to be a friend of our family. He
called me his dear boy and fractured a few
bones in my hand. A great grip has he;
and I was glad that my hand wasn't a dollar
because in that case he never wonld have let
"You haven't been in Boston lately," said
he, "and doubtless you notice and are de
lighted with the change. I refer to the new
law regulating the liquor traffic."
I thanked him for supposing that I mnsjt
have learned all about it in the 15 minutes
since I arrived. In fact, I hadread about it
in the papers, as most people h-.ve done, bnt
had not thought much about it
"A great law, that," said he; "a great
step forward in the cause of temperance.
But, of course, it is only a step; we shall go
further. We are too lenient with the saloon
keeper. I believe in temperance, sir, and I
would have it even if we had to call out the
militia and shoot the neck off every bottle
in the city. We haven't punishments
enough. We don't stick closely enough to
the one great cause of temperance in all
things. I'd have every liquor dealer
haneed, sir; hanged on Boston common
where our forefathers first showed how to
resist tyranny. Down with the saloon
"It is hard to make the mass of the people
coincide with these moderate and reasonable
views," said L
mobe seasonable views.
"Yes, unfortunately it is," he admitted,
"and the more's the pity. Why, sir, any
man who fails to deposit his ballot in favor
of temperance legislation ought to be
whipped to the ballot box with raw hides,
and his children disfranchised to the third
and fourth generation.
"But you ought to see Tim Noonan's place
since the new law went into effect," he con
tinued, brightening up. It's changed won
derfully. You used to see crowds of men
hanging over his bar, but they can't do it
now. We have a grating up in front of
every bar, and the men -wkswant.to drink
must sit down at little tables. Let's walk
by Tim's place. I like to have him see me
for it must mace him rave. I've been an
humble instrument in the hands of the Lord
in this reform. Yes, blast me if I haven't
and nobody else has been anywhere along
side of me."
We walked down toward Tim's place, and
I couldn't help feeling sorrv for him, in
spite of my naturally strong principles
against over-indulgence. Graves, the crank,
led the way into the place, much to my sur
prise, and took a seat at one of the tables.
Then he turned round and glared at Tim,
who stood behind the grating which guarded
TIM STILL LOOKED PEOSPEBOUS.
Tim, contrary to my expectations, was
looking very well. He had gained ten
pounds or to of flesh, and wore rather better
clothes than in the old days. His saloon
was mnch more handsomely fitted up. He
remembered me and nodded cordially.
Immediately, a long, thin female who
looked ridiculously like the typical Eos
ton "blue-stocking," brought a plate of
crackers and a dish of encumber pickles,
and placed them on the table between
Graves and me. Graves bit a encumber in
two, and I thought tbat the milder acid of
the pickle softened his expression into some
thing like a smile.
"I suppose we ought to buy something,"
said L "It is hardly right to use his chairs
"I would not add to the profits of his ne
farious business," said he.
"Then have a glass of water," I replied,
"and I will take a whisky cocktail for me
dicinal purposes. I have had a bad night
on the boat."
Whether by mistake or the promptings of
Tim Noonan. the waiter broutrht two cock.
tails, and set one be fore Graves, whose wrath
was something tearful to witness, and was
mollified only when I drank the two cock
tails in order to get them out of his sight
There were not many people in the place.
Four men sat at a table near us, and were
ordering drinks in turn. As they had for
gotten where the ronnds began they wonld
probably go on indefinitely, trying to make
the thing come out even at least, that was
the explanation which Tim whispered in my
PLENTY OP GUESTS.
In a corner sat a man with his head on
the table. Several yonng clerks had dropped
in for a hasty glass of something cooling
for the day was very hot and having met
lriends were chatting comfortably at the
tables, while their employers doubtless
wondered where they were. I was just ris
ing to leave the saloon, when who should
appear but my old friend Tom Banks. I
hadn't seen him for years. We greeted
each other affectionately, and then I intro
"Won't you and Mr. Graves have some
thing?" asked Tern, summoning a waiter.
Graves scowled, and I excused him to Tom,
but, of course, after that I bad to order
something myself. I took a mild puneh,
for I am not a man who indulges in strong
Under the new Boston rule it takes longer
A Bolton Blue-Stocking Brought Ficklet.
Jou'rt qui' Right, Mziur Gravel.
has to rnn around the grating and. tell the J
barkeeper, and go through a lot of rigmarole
before the drink is ready. However, I did
not begrudge the time, for otherwise' I
should not have met a very pleasant fellow
named Prank Smith, who dropped in just
as we were ready to leave. I nsed to know
Frank well, and I was really very glad to
"How are you, old boy?" said L "Draw
up a chair and let's have a good look at
GBAVES WAS NEVEB SLIGHTED.
"Meanwhile I'll order something for the
party," said Frank. "Mr. Graves? Pleased
Braves' Fellow Laborer! Horrtjled.
to meet you, Mr. Graves; what'll you
Graves wouldn't have anything, but the
rest of us had a little claret with mint
"You're qui' right 'bout it, Mizzur
Graves," said I. "A Bos'on s'loon's a
different place now."
"It's a heap more cozy and comfortable,"
said Tom. "Hello, here's Billy Webster;
you used to know him, Howdv, didn'tyou?"
"Know Billy? Well, sh'ay I did. Come
'long, Billy, an moisten yonr epiglosh
epigloshis epiglottis. Had! it right in my
throat all time, but somehow couldn't get it
Billy always has money sticking out of
all his pockets, and he ordered a bottle of
champagne. Graves took another cucum
" 'Shu shay, Tom," said I, " 's a heap
more comfo'ble drinking this way than
kicking toes off un'er a bar. Gen'lemen,
'low me to introduce Mizzur Graves.
Mizzur Graves 's the man who instituted
this reform. All drink to Mizzur Graves."
By the time that Biliy's bottle was
empty several more friends had dropped in.
I couldn't really say how many. Some
times I thought that there were five and
then again there appeared to be ten, so I
ventured to put the inquiry: "How many
are you of there, anyhow?" whereat every
body laughed. '
LATJGHTEB WAS ABUNDANT.
A good many people seemed to be laugh
ing all about me, and I was on tbe point of
getting o fiend ed when Billy said: "Sit
down, Howdy; it is the effect of the new
The next thing I remember Mr. Graves
was bundling me into a herdic, and we were
riding down Tremont street. I was just
preparing to go to sleep when an express
wagon knocked the hind wheels off our con
veyance and I went ont through the back
window, which I understand was only
seven-by-nine in dimensions. Graves picked
me up and braced me against a lamp-post,
where for a few moments I stood, and took
great pleasure in pointing him out to the
Eassers-by as the philanthropic' citizen who
ad supplied all the saloons with chairs.
Then all is a confusion of ciQoked sight
and twisted legs, and tbe horror of Graves
as he passed hia fellow laborers in the cause
of temperance, all of whom appeared to
have'turned out especially for that occasion.
It was too much tar his generosity and he
finally-abaodoned me to the fate which he
had been so largely instrumental in bring
ing upon me. Fortunately I made out a
familiar hotel nearby and in it I succeeded
in sleeping off the effects or the only indis
cretion of the kind that I was ever guilty of.
I have just finished a brief note to Mr.
Graves which contains, I hope and trust, a
strong presentation of my views on temper
ance legislation. Howabd Fielding.
PUSHING HJFEEIOB WINES.
Enterprising Denlcra Nowaday! Pay Walters
for the Corks Tamed la.
New York Times.
Two gentlemen, one a connoisseur in fine
wines, went into a high-priced restaurant a
few nights ago and called for a bottle of
champagne of a brand which, in their opin
ion, was the best champagne in the market.
The wine was brought and served in well
chilled glasses. Each gentleman lifted his
glass expectantly to his lips and promptly
placed it on the table after taking a sip.
"This is not the wine I ordered," said the
connoisseur, turning to the waiter, who had
been hovering about "This is a bogns
With an apologetio shrug of the shoulders
the waiter quickly picked up the cooler
and, remarking that he would see about it,
walked away. Soon he retnrned with a
fresh bottle, and, after taking pains to dis
play to the two gentlemen the labels on tbe
bottle, he drew the cork and filled the
"It is a common trick among waiters,"
said one, "a trick that is rapidly spreading
in popular and well-patronized restanrants.
You noticed perhaps that the first bottle
brought contained no label. This second
bottle, as you will observe, contains the
proper label and no donbt is the genuine
brand we ordered. It is a much more ex
pensive wine than the other and, being well
established, no premium is paid the waiter
by the American agent for forcing it upon
the patrons of the bouse. The other wine,
wbich was of a decidedly inferior brand, is
probably being 'pushed' by some enterpris
ing dealer who gives the waiter 25 or 0
cents for each cork turned in. Had we
asked the waiter at tbe outset to recommend
a brand of wine he undoubtedly would have
recommended the stuff be brought, and
then we would have been permitted to see
FISE AND THE ANARCHISTS
Tbe Late Prohibition Leader Used to Dls-
enlse and Attend Their Meetings.
New York Press.
I was with General Fisk abont three years
ago for a couple of hours when the papers
were lull of the Haymarket Anarchist
tragedy at Chicago, and there was bitter de
nunciation of the murderous bomb throwers.
General Fisk -said to me: "I have endeav
ored conscientiously to study the causes
that make men Anarchists in this country,
but have never been ablo to comprehend it
You will be surprised when 1 tell you that
I have gone in old clothes and slouch hat to
Anarchist meetings in New York City to
their most secret meetings. I have been
amazed and astounded as well at the intem
perance of their language until I have gone
away feeling that society was rocking on a
slnmbering volcano, liable at any moment
to burst lorth and destroy it
"Why, I have heard these men openly
advocate arming themselves and rushing
out to capture the United States sub
Treasury in Wall street, tbe persons of
Gould, the Yanderbilts, Bussell Sage, Cyrus
W. Field and other wealthy men, and by
these means make themselves masters of the
community. While I was in their heated
assembly chambers my head would actually
swirl, thinking of the desperate propositions
they made. But once outside in tbe cool
air, with a glimpse of the policeman stand
ing on the corner nonchalantly swinging his
club, the whole thing went out ot my mind
like a vision or a dream. The sight of the
policeman alone dispelled every possible
feeling of any danger."
AT A FIRE IN PARIS.
The Laddies of the Gay French Cap
ital Uever Get in a Hurry.
NO BIG BLAZES TO DEAL WITH.
An American Conflagration Would Para
lyza the Whole Force.
EED TAPE IN 0BTAIHING PASSES
rwnrrrair yoBTnE wspatch.
One of the most ludicrous things a person
can witness over here is the efforts ot a
Parisian fire brigade to put out a fire. A
few days ago wo had a blaze in front of my
domicile, and I had an excellent opportu
nity of watching the whole modus operandi.
First I must remark the promptitude with
which the "pompiers" put in an appear
ance fully a half an hour after the fire
broke out I shudder to think what would
be the late of an American city if intrusted
to the Paris fire brigade. Like everything
else in Europe, they partake of the general
slowness, and think it undignified, I sup
pose, to be in a hurry.
The fire broke out in the upper story of an
"apartment" house, and when I noticed it a
bncket of water would have put it out
When the pompiers arrived the whole
apartment was gntted. I suppose every
body knows that in France an apartment
means a suite of rooms. They have
no fire alarms in any of the houses
or hotels here; there is a curious affair at
certain distances in the streets which, to the
uninitiated, is difficult of comprehension.
At length the firemen arrived and hanled a
feeble squirt np six flight of stairs. .There
was a yard nnderneath from which an
American hose could have put out the whole
business in five minutes. One thing, how
ever can be said in favor of the Paris fire
brigade. In America the whole house
would be drenched with water, whereas in
France they take scrupnlous care not to
waste any of the precious liquid.
NOT TSED TO BIG PIKES.
I never saw such consternation in the
neighborhood even at such a small fire.
Evidently they never saw a big conflagra
tion such as the United States treats its citi
zens to. I have been in Paris a year and a
half and I have never seen a fire worth
going across the street to see. I am snre, if
yon will pardon the seeming wickedness,
one of your big blazes will be a treat to me
when I return to tbe land of the Stars and
The spectators seemed to have more to do
in ordering the firemen around than their
captain. During a lull in the firemen's
struggles one old lady halloed out to the
firemen not to relax their efforts as the fire
was still burning. There was a stonevard
not very close by where there was nothing
to bnrn ud but headstones and an old wagon,
and it was most ludicrous to watch several
frightened individuals move that wagon in
nervous haste, an inch or so every few sec
onds. The whole affair was so comic the
prehistorio firemen, the wailing old ladies
and the individuals among the monuments
that my companion, who was an American,
and I could'not refrain from hearty laughter,
wbich scandalized tbe whole neighborhood.
During lulls in the fire the firemen amused
themselves by squirting water at one another.
They evidently were not used to hard work,
as they were all blowing like porpoises, and
must have had a big sense of their own im
portance judging by the way they carried
themselves. In the eyes of the hero-loving
French people they were nodoubt big heroes.
When the conflagration was nearly over a
policeman stuck his head out of the window
of one of tbe gutted rooms, took a compre
hensive glance around ana then withdrew.
Unlike those of America, a Paris police
man is snre to be aronnd when anything is
BUSHING TO THE PIEE.
The Paris pompiers came to the fire pret
ty leisurely as compared with the American
firemen. They moved almost as slowly as
the Dordrecht fire brigade, so happily de
scribed in Baughton and Abbey's sketching
rambles through Holland. They were
seated in a long, red vehicle very much like
an American hay wagon. They blew a
feeble bngle with a peculiar squeak dnring
their progress. The fire-escape ladder was
banled to the fire by band Dower. The fire
brigade is a corps of tbe army and is en
listed under the same conditions as the
troops. Its uniform, which is not as fine as
the American uniiorm, consists of blue pan
taloons very wide at the hips and narrow at
the shoe; a tight fitting skirtless dark tunic,
brass helmet and brass chain epaulets.
They carry a leather belt at the waist from
which depends a bayonet.
Verily this is the land of red tape. I
wanted to see the grand review of 30,000 ol
the French troops at Longchamps on July
24 the national holidar. I betook mvself
to the "Bureau de Becruitement" (Becruit
ing Bureau) at the Place Yendome and
asked the sentry is charge. He gave me a
military salute. Showing him my creden
tials and stating my wants, he told me that
the official whose duty it was to attend to
such matters was engaged otherwise, and
that I would have to go to the Presidental
PLENTY OT BED TAPE.
In front of the palace there were about
half a dozen foot sentries with guns and
fixed bayonets, a sprinkling of officers and
several members of the President's house
hold, all in nniform. I made up to one of
the sentinels and stated my business. He
gave me a military salute, the same as I got
before, and then sent me to tbe concierge.
This individual who was dressed in a long
tailed blue coat with myriads of buttons,
white pantaloons and a hat a la Napoleon,
sent me to another official's office at tbe fur
ther end of a big graveled court yard. I
waited here half an hour. At last I
was admitted into an endless looking corri
dor by a huge pompons lackey, who must
have weighed about 200 pounds and was
fully six leet and a half. He was dressed
in black, and, as usuil, wore lots of buttons
and a big silver, or imitation silver, chain
around bis neck. There were some half a
dozen under lackeys also in uniform who
danced attendance on him. The silver
chained individual pompously informed me
that I would have to call around in two
hours' time, and then I was allowed to es
cape from so much dignity. Well, I ap
peared punctually at the appointed time.
I found many there on the same errand as
myself. At length my turn came, and I
had to nil out a rorm witn my name, age,
address, occupation, where I came from,
what journals I represented, etc. Then I
was given in charge of the Gurcon de Bureau,
who, carrying this lorm and my credentials
in his hand, escorted me through intermin
able passages until we came to another
graveled courtyard. Telling me to wait
outside, where there were already about a
half dozen uncovered individuals, the Gar
con de Bnreau disappeared into an office.
Aftefa long argument with tbe official, to
whom I was shortly introduced, I got my
passes. Db Wolfe Scanlan.
Crashed bnt Not Broken.
A good joke is told on Home Tooke,
whom the Tories in the English House of
Commons thought to crush, bv imposing
upon him the humiliating task of beeging
the House's pardon on his knees; Tooke
went on his Knees, and begged pardon for
the offensive expression he had used; but in
rising up he knocked the dnst of his knees,
and exclaimed Iqjidly enough to be heard
all over the House: "It's a dirty House,
after all I" Boars of laughter followed this
exclamation, and the lories caw they had
ailed in their object
A STORY- OF NORTHERN" WISCONSIN, FOUNDED ON FAOT.
WRITTEN FOB THE DISPATCH.
BY CHARDES Q. SEYMOUR,
One of the Most Popular Newspaper Correspondents of the Hay, and
' Author of Many Short Stories.
If you could have seen her in her narrow
cell with her thin gray hair tossing abont
her ashy, sunken face you would have
pitied her, although it is probable you never
knew her story.
Bess Sfebbins wasn't much on looks when
she was a girl up in Northern Wisconsin.
Still she was always plnmp and tidy in her
new calico gown and whenever she langhed,
as she did once in awhile, there was music
for tbe nightingale. Mark Prentiss was a
big. rawboned, goodnatured boy, who never
did much work but who always managed to
get along in an easy and contented sort of
way. Everybody in the settlement knew
him, because in tbe first place the settle
ment was small and in the next place Mark
was .such an eccentrio fellow that it
would have been impossible for him to
have gone into obscurity, no matter how
hard be tried. Many were the days he sat
and whittled spigots for barrels; yet nobody
ever knew what became of tbe spigots or
whatever possessed Mark to whittle them.
Bnt that was merely one of the fellow's ec
centricities. Then too, he always carried a
pin-cushion under the lapel of his coat and
only once was he known to ride in any kind
of a vehicle.
Mysterious as he was, and coarse and sun
baked as were his features, tbe fellow some
way or another completely won the heart of
pretty Bess Stebbins. Nobody could tell
why, and nobody cared mnch, lor to tell the
truth a courtship in the settlement was to
be expected now and then. When the wedding-day
came Mark got up and did the
chores and then went over to Bessie's bonse,
where the knot waa tied. Abe Pritchard,
the town supervisor and surveyor, was best
man, and well he might be, for Abe and Mark
'- x 1
IT ain't a woman's woek nohow.
had poked many a bearout of its hole and
then sat down and stripped the carcass
while the smoke from their pipes curled
among the pines and tamarack. There were
singing and dancing at the wedding, and
nobody thumped the floor with more vim
than Mark and Abe. Pretty Bes., redder
than usnal because of tbe worry and excite
ment through whieh she had passed, sat in
an old-fashioned rocker and smiled nervous
ly as she watched the flying feet, and once
she coughed when the dust from Mark's
big boots lifted a clond of dust from the old
Mark didn't change much alter his mar
riage. He wore the same old milk-bespattered
boots, whose heels were run over to a
scandalous angle, the pincushion remained
beneath the lapel of hi coat, and he kept
right on whittling spigots, but not so many
of them as he did before he took Bess to his
home. He was the same old eccentric Mark
Perkins, only he got more crotchets into
bis head from time to time. He wouldn't
give up his pewter plate at the dinner table
for love or money, and when Bess used to
tell him tbat his woolen stockings must be
uncomfortable in summer. Mark wonld
grow excited and declare that if he were to
maite a change ne wonia surety die or
Years came and went, leaving the boards
of Mark's home a dull, sullen gray, and its
only chimney grimy and slightly out of
plumb. Mark" was still there, although
somewhat feeble and pale, for asthma had
sot him bv the throat and was slowly but
surely strangling him. Bess was there, too,
but she wasn't the Bess of old. She was
wrinkled and gray but she still carried with
her those great, round, lustrous eyes that
had burned deep into more than one man's
heart Abe Pritchard grew old, too, but
not so old that he could not go out into the
forest and nunc lor Dears ana cats in the Jail
of the year.
Mark grew worse from year to year. Tbe
village doctor, who used to go about the
country in a dusty, rattling buckboard,
couldn't help him. And so he coughed and
wheezed until the neighbors began to pity
him and send him things to bnrn in his
room while he tried to sleep. Then he took
to his bed, where he could see from hi) nar
row window the purple clouds build
themselves in an ampitheater in the West
ern horrizon when the snn went down.
Mark knew he was going to die before
snow came. Bess tried not to think so, but
some of the neighbors had seen "her crying
when Mark was at his worst, and it was
common belief in the neighborhood that
she, too, was apprehensive, if not dis
couraged. Old Abe was a daily visitor at
the honse. When he came into tbe sick
Toom he seemed to bring with him the in
vigorating odor of tbe balsame. For it was
always noticed that when Abe did come
Mark grew brighter, and his rasping cough
fell away to a spasmodio rattling in the
throat which was often mistaken for
One day late in autumn Abe squared
himself in a chair close to the bedside
ot his friend, as was his custom when
be called. It was one of Mark's bad
days. His eyes were feverish and his long
bony hands clutched the bedclothing with a
nervous grip. The doctor bad said tbat the
sufferer was dying, and even Abe, who was
not much of a student of death, saw a
change for the worse in the condition of his
"Glad you came, Abe," he said with a
weak voice. '.I've got something I want to
say to yon. It won't be long before I'll
drop out, but afore I go, Abe, I want you
to swear to do as I tell you."
To JtaflSAr 4 lift ltf. V1J a& sV JX Va
twirling about his fingers and looked I
steadily at his iriend. " 1
"Will you do it, Abe?" asked the sufferer,
choking with the effort
"As sure as I'm here, Mark; but what's
the use of talking about dyin'? Goshall
hemlock, Mark, cheer up. You're not eat
in' enough that gruel Is goin' agin you."
"Goin to die as sure as preachin', Abe.
You can't stop it; Bess can't stop it; no
body can stop it" And Mark coughed
again and then looked inquiringly at his
"Seen sicker men than you get well," said
Abe, moving restlessly in his chair.
"Not with asthma."
"Not with asthma, no; but I've seen
Nick Collier get out of typhoid fever after
his eyes was sot, and you know how the
Fletcher boy got up out of his coffin after
he was laid out and ready for the grave
yard," and Abe's rnddy 7ace assumed a
triumphant expression as he narrated thesa
incidents in village history.
"But they didn't have asthma, Abe,"
pleaded the sufferer, "and now. old part
ner," he continued, "I want you to promise
me tbat alore they bury me you'll put me
on my face in the coffin. You know I never
slept on my back and I ain't goin' to do it
when I'm dead. You needn't tell Bess
anything about it. Just slip in afore they
screw the lid and roll old Mark on his face.
Don't say no, now Abe. It's got to be
If it had not been for the rustling of a
lilac bush agtinst the window panes noth
ing would have broken tbe silence which
followed this strangely eccentric man's
last request Abe stared blankly at his
friend, and then slowly tying a knot in his
white beard, took one of tbe sufferer's hands
in his own.
"Will you do it, Abe?"
"If you say so, Mark; bnt I'd rather
Bess'd'do it, cause she knows more about
handlin' you than L"
"So she does when I'm alive," replied
Mark, appreciating the grim bnmor, "but
yon see, Abe, she never saw me dead; and
then besides it ain't a woman's work nohow
'specially 'f she's as good as Bess."
Tbe weather grew thick and humid that
night Tbe sun went down in a bank of
sullen clouds and the parched leaves of the
trees hung motionless. Mark's asthma
clutched him with a merciless grip and
strangled him so that wondering neighbors
clung clnmsily abont the fence and listened
to the distressing respirations of the sufferer.
Bess, Abe and the doctor were at tbe bed
side, but not one of them could do anything
to loosen tbe fingers of death. Slowly bnt
steadily the unseen hand closed about the
throat with fiercer tension until the breath
of life was squeezed from the strange old
It was a very plain funeral at Mark's
weather-beaten house. The village
preacher prayed sonorously and disjoint
edly, and the mourners, with the exception
of Bess, Abe and the undertaker, sang
"Bock of Ages." Mark looked so natural
in his coffin that some of the villagers, who
always said such things on such occasions,
declared that he looked as though ho had
jnst fallen into a pleasant sleep. The
Iireacher prayed again this time at greater
ength than before and then the mourners
left the room while the undertaker pre
pared the coffin for burial. Abe remained
with him and when the door was closed two
pairs of arms rolled the body upon its face.
It was all done in a moment Then the
glistening lid was hurriedly screwed
down and the pall-bearers were
summoned to carry the box to the
hearse which stood in the lane.
There was no ceremony at the graveyard,
which at tbat time of year was over-run
with blooming weeds and vines. The village
preacher wanted to pray again, bnt Aba
stopped him in an irreverent but decorous
way, and thereafter nothing disturbed the
silence but tbe sobs of poor grief-stricken
Bess and the droning of the bees as they
scurried from flower to flower.
Mark's death and funeral were town talk
for a week or more, and then Lige Hector's
saw-mill burned and set the people to talk
ing abont incendiaries, new fire engines and
the like. Nobody paid mush attention to
Bess, 'who seemed content to spend her
widowhood in the little weather-beaten cot
tage. She always looked trim and neat but
her face had so much sadness in it
that the neighbors when they saw her
shook their heads owlishly and said the
grief was slowly dragging her to death. She
was olten seen in the graveyard, staring
wildly at the weed-clad mound which
marked the resting place of Mark. She
would come there late in the afternoon and
remain there until the stars came ont and
the frogs croaked from the pond. It was
evident that Bess was madly agitated abont
something, and finally it became known
that the poor woman was suffering from the
fearful conviction that her husband had
been buried alive. She recalled how, whan
Mark was lving in the coffin, his cheeks
glowed jnst below the eyes, and she was now
certain that she had seen him move even
after tbe grave clothes had been pnt on him.
Then, too, she had seen Mark's face at her
window one night, when a storm was beat
ing furiously apon the cottage.
These frights, suspicions and convictions
were too mnch lor such a frail body to stand.
At last she could bear the burden no longer,
and, with a face white and rigid with de
termination and a voice almost hysterical
in its inflections, she demanded that the
neighbors open tbe grave and the coffin, and
thus forever satisfy her that Mark's death
was not tbe result of accident or malice.
Abe wonld have givsn his hop farm and all
he owned to have stopped this distressiaj
l-"fc. L. "iL
r rT -if,'i Tftamffirfi