The Wahpeton times. [volume], July 25, 1889, Image 2

About The Wahpeton times. [volume] (Wahpeton, Richland County, Dakota [N.D.]) 1879-1919

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A Matter*of*Faet Romance,
BV CHARLES BEADS.
CHAPTER IV—CONTINUED.
•"Quite the conrtier," said Mrs. Dodd, de
lighted. Julia assented: she
even added, with
a listless yawn, "I had no idea that a skele
ton was such a gentlemanlike thing I never
caw one before.*'
Mrs. Dodd admitted he was very thin.
"Oh no, mamma thin implies a little flesh.
"When he felt my pulse, a cliill struck to my
heart Death in a black suit seemed to steal
up to me, and lay a finger on my wrist: and
mark me for Us own."
Mrs. Dodd forbade Iter to give way to such
doctor's remedies do not answer liis expecta
tions and mine, I sliull take you to London
directly. I do hope papa will soon be at
home."
Poor Mrs. Dodd was herself slipping into
morbid state. A mother collecting Doctors!
It is a most fascinating kind of oonnoisRour
v: ship grows on one like Prink: like Polemics
like Melodrama like the Millenium: like any
:rj, Thing.
Sure enough the very next week she and
tfw Julia sat patiently nt the morning levee of
T. '. an eminent and titled London Burgeon. Full
forty patients were before them: so they had
to wait and wait. At lasti hoy wero ushered
t-: into the presence-chamber, and Mrs. Dodd
entered on the beaten ground of her daugh
,W ter's symptoms. The noblesurgoon stopped
fi ier civilly but promptly. Auscultation will
,'i give us the clew," said lie, and lie drnv his
stethoscope. Julia shrank, and east an ap-
J! pealing look at her mother but Mrs. Dodd
id persuaded her to it by talking part in the
examination, and making it us delicate as
possible. The young lady snt punting,
witli cheeks flushing shame,and eyes Hashing
indignation. The impassive chevalier re
ported on each organ in turn without mov
ing his earfrom the keyhole. "Lungs pretty
•ound," said he, a little plaintively '*so is
the liver. Now lor the—Hum? There is no
cardiac insufficiency, 1 tliiuk, neither mitral
nor tricuspid. 1( we And no tendency to
hypertrophy we shall do well. All, I have
succeeded in diagnosing a slight diastolic
mumur very slight." He deposited the in
strument nnd said, not without a certain
shade of satisfaction, that his research had
not been fruitless. "Tho Heart is the peccant
organ."
'•Oh, sir! is it serious?" poor Mrs. Dodd.
"By no means. Try this" (he scratched a
prescription which would not have mis
become the tomb of Cheops) "and come
again in a month." Ting! He struck a bell.
That "ting" said, "Go,live Guinea! and an
other come!"
"Heart disease now!" said Mrs. Dodd,
Iv.. sinking back in her hired carriage, and the
tears were in her patient eyes.
i!j "My own, otfn mamma," said Julia, ear
«,v nestly, "do not distress yourself! I have no
te'H' disease in the world, but my old, old one, ot
is being a naughty, wayward girl. As for you,
mamma, you have resigned your own judg
ment to your inferiors, and that is both our
misfortunes. Dear, dear mamma, do take
io me to a doe
tress next time, if you have not
v.'.-! bad enough."
vcr "To a what, love?"
gw-: "A she-doctor, then."
§. "A female physician, child? There is no
such thing. No assurance is becoming a
f.-'1' characteristic of our sex but we have not
4'.v yet introduced ourselves into the learned
ist professions thank Heaven,"
!H„. "Excuse me, mamma thereareone or two
pfc'i for the newspapers say so."
"Well, dear, there are noneinthis country,
hapily."
"What, not in London?"
"No."
"Then what is the use of such a great, over
grown place, all smoke, if there is nothing
5 fen in it you cannot find in the country? Let us
go back to Barkington this very day, this
s'x'?minute, this instant oh, pray, pray."
I "And so you shall—to-morrow. But you
cBv must pity your own mother's anxiety, and
(r?y see Dr. Chalmers first."
|#i-" "Oh, mamma, not another surgeonl He
fe frightened me he hurt me 1 never heard of
such a thing he ought to be ashamed of
himself: oh, please not another surgeon."
"It is not a surgeon, dear it is the Court
Physician."
ft? The Court Physician detected "a some
what morbid condition of tho great nervouH
S- centers." To an inquiry whether there was
H11 heartdisease, he replied, "Pooh!" On being
told Sir William had announced heart-dis
tg' ease, he said, "Ah! that alters the case en
I,. tirely." He maintained, however that it
itei must be trifling, and would go no further,
the nervous system once restored to its
health tone. "O, Jupiter, aid us! Blue pill
and black draught."
Dr. Kenyon found the mucous membrane
was irritated and required soothing. "O,
Jupiter, etc. Blue pill and Seidlitz powder."
Mrs. Dodd returned home consoled and
confused Julia listless and apathetic. Tea
was ordered, with two or three kinds of
bread, thinnest slices of meat, and a little
blanc mange, etc., their favorite repast after
a journey and, while the tea was drawing,
Mrs. Dodd looked over the card-tray and
enumerated the visitors that had called dur
ing their absence: "Dr. Short—Mr. Osmond
«¥-V —«rs. Hetherington—Mr. AKred Hardie—
^Dewry—Mrs. and Miss Bosanquet.
What a pity Edward was not at home, dear
Mr. Alfred Hardie's visit must have been to
him.
"Oh, of course, mamma."
"A very manly young gentleman."
"Oh, yes. No. He is so rude."
"Is he? Ah, he was ill just then, and pain
irritates gentlemen they are net accustomed
to it, poor Things."
"That is like you, dear mamma making
excuses for one/' Julia added, faintly, "but
he is so impetuous."
"1 have a daughter who reconciles me to
impetuosity. And he must have a good heart,
he was so kind to my boy."
Julia looked down smiling, but presently
seemed to be seized with a spirit of contra
diction she began to pick poor Alfred to
pieces he was this, that, and the other and
then so bold, she might' sny impudent.
Mrs. Dodd replied calmly that he was very
kind to her boy.
"Oh, mamma, you cannot approve all the
words he spoke."
"It is not worth while to remember all the
words young gentlomen speak, nowadays
he was very kind to my boy, I remember
that."
The tea was now ready, and Mrs. Dodd
•at down, and patted a chair, with a smile
of invitation for Julia to come and sit be
•iae her. But Julia said, "In one minute.
"jdear," and left the room.
S When she came back, she fluttered up to
ner mother and kissed her vehemently, then
aat down radiant "Ah," said Mrs. Dodd,
"Why, you are looking yourself once more,
ij How do you feel now? Better?"
"How do I feel? Let me see, the world
"seems one e-nor-mous flower-garden, and
Me the butterfly it all belongs to." She
•pake, and to confirm her words the airy
thing went waltzing, sailing, and fluttering
round the room,'and sipping mamma every
now and then on the wing.
In this buoyancy she remained some t.wen
tr-four hours and then came clouds and
chills, which, in their turn, gave way to ex
ultation, duly followed by depression. Her
spirits were so uncertain, that things too
minute to justify nurration turned the scale
either way a word from Mrs. Dodd—a new
•tit Annie's Church looking devoutly
her wqf—a piece of town gossip distilled in
rear by Mrs. Maxley—andshewasspright-
Of languid, and both more than reason,
frs. Dodd had not the clew and each ex
|$nme caused her anxiety: for her own con
fcBtitntion, aad her experience of life, ted her
gjto connect, health, aad happiness too, with
Tpentle, even spirits.
.'One driczly afternoon they were sitting si
|1snt and saddish in the drawing-room, Mrs.
id correcting: the mechaical errors in a
[drawing of Julia'a, and admiring the rare
uh and rigor, and Juiia doggedly studying
r. Whately sLogic, with now and then a sigh,
(.'when suddenly a trumpet seemed toarticu
Elate in the little hall: "Mestress Doedd at
g. thorns?"
»V I. The lady rose from her seat, and said, with
smile of pleasure, "I hear a voice."
The door opened, and in darted a hard
Died, gray-headed man, laughing and
like a school-boy broke loose. He
out, "Aha! I've found y' out at last."
Doad glided to meet him, aad put out
iher hands, the palms downward, with
Kvttiest air of lady-like cordiality: he
them heartily. "The vagabins said y'
.left the town but y' had
flitted from the quay to tho
ibpg 'twas a pashint put me on the
5r &
And how are'y all these yeiiif
wmillf"
What is that?"
-j* just your husband. Isn't his name
BawmillT"
"Dear no! Have you forgotten?—David."
"Ou, ay. I knew it was some Scripcher
Petrarch or another, Daavid, or Naathan,
or Sawmill. He is a fine lad, any way—and
how is he, and where is he?"
Mrs. Dodd replied that he was on the seas
but-cxpect—
"Theu I wish him well off 'em, confound
'em onenull! Halloa! why, this will be the
little girl grown up 'int' a wumman while ye
look round.
"Yes, my good friend and her mother's
darling."
"And she's a bonny lass, I can tell ye. But
no freend to the Dockers, I see."
"Ah!" said Mrs. Dodd, sadly, "looks are
deceitful she is under medical advice at this
very
Well, that won't hurt her, unless
she takes
it." And he burst into a ringing laugh but
in the middle of it stopped dead short., and
his face elongated. "Lordsake, mad'm,"
said he, impressively, "mind what y' are at,
though Barnton'sjust a trap for fanciful
femuls there's a n'oily ass called Osmond,
and a canting cutthroat called Stephenson,
and a genteel, endaveris old assassin called
Short, as long as a may-pole they'd soon
take the rose out of Miss Floree's check here.
Why, they'd starve Cupid, an' veneseck
Venus, an' blister 1'omonee. the vagabins."
Mrs. Dodd looked a little confused, and
exchanged speaking glances with Julia.
However, she snid. calmly, "I have consulted
Mr. Osmond and Dr. Short, but have not re
lied on them alone. I have taken her to Sir
William Best. And to Dr. Chalmers. And
to Dr. Kenyon." And she felt invulnerable
behind her phalanx of learning and reputa
tion.
"Good Hivens!" roared the visitor, "what
a gauntlet, o' gubies for one girl to run and
come out alive! And the pictur of health.
My faith Miss Floree.y' are tougher than ye
look."
My daughter's name is Julia," observed
Mrs. Dodd, a little haaghtil.v but instantly
recovering herself, she Baid, "This is Dr.
Sampson, love, an old friend of your
mother's."
"And th' Author an' Invintor of th' great
Chronothairmal Therey o* Midicine, th'
Unity Perriodicity an' ltemittency 'f all
disease," put in the visitor, with such pro
digious swiftness of elocution, that the words
went, tumbling over one another like railway
carriages out on pleasure, and the sentence
was a pile of loud, indistinct syllables.
Julia's lovely eyes dilated, at this clishmac
laver, and she bowed coldly. Dr. Sampson
was repulsive to her he had revealed in this
short interview nearly all the characteristics
of voice, speech, and manner she had been
taught from infancy to shun boisterous,
gesticulatory, idiomatic and had taken the
discourse out of her mamma's mouth twice
now Albion Villa was a lied Indian hut in
one respect here nobody interrupted.
Mrs. Dodd had little personal egotism, but
she had a mother's, and could not spare
this opportunity of adding another Doctor
to her collection so she said, hurriedly
"Will you permit me to show you what your
learned conferers have perscribed her?"
Julia sighed aloud, and deprecated the sub
ject with earnest furtive signs Mrs. Dodd
\vould not see them. Now, Dr. Sampson was
himself afflicted with what. I shall venture to
call a mental ailment to wit, a iurious in
tolerance of other men's opinions lie had
not even patience to hear them.
Mai—dear—mad'm," said he, hastily,
"when you've told me their manes, that's
enough. Short treats her for liver, Sir
William goes in for lung diseases or heart,
Chalmers sis it's the nairves, and Kinyon
the mukis membrin and I say they are fools
and lyres all four."
"Julia!" ejaculated Mrs. Dodd,
"this is very
exti aordinary."
"No, it is not extraordinary," cried Dr.
Sampson, defiantly "nothing is extraordi
nary. And d'ye think I've known these shal
low men thirty years, and not plumbed
them?"
"Shallow, my good friond? Excuse me!
they are the ablest men in your own branch
of your own learned profession."
"Th' ablest?! Oh, you mean the money
makingest now listen me! our lairned Pro
fession is a rascally one. It is like a barrel
of beer. What rises to the top?,' Here he
paused for a moment, then answered himself
furiously, "THE SCUM!"
This blast blown, he moderated a little.
"Look see!" said he, "up to three or four
thousand a year, a Docker is often an honest
man, and sometimes knows something of
midicine: not much, bccause it is not taught
any where but if he is making over five
thousand, he must be a rogue, or else a fool
either he has booed an' booed, and cript an'
crawled, int' wholesale collusion with th'
apothecary an' th' accoucher—the two jock
eys that drive John Bull's faemily coach—
and they are sucking the pashint togither
like a leash o' leeches or else he has turned
spicialist has tacked his name to some pop
lar disorder, real or imaginary it needn't
exist to be poplar. Now, those fouryou have
been to are spicialists, and that means mon
omaniacs—why on airth didn't ye come to
me among the rest.? their buddies expatiate
in West-ind-squares, but their souls dwell in
a n'alley ivery man Jack of 'em Aberford's
in Stomicli Alley, Chalmers's in NairveCourt,
Short's nivir stirs out o' Liver Lane, Paul's
is stuck fast in Kidney Close, Kinyon's in
Mukis Membrin Mews, and Hibbard's in
Lung Passage. Look see! nixt time y' are
out of sorts, stid o' consulting three bats an'
a n'owl at a guinea the piece, send direct to
me, and I'll give y' all their opinions, and ali
their prescriptions, gratis. And deevilich
dear ye'll find 'em at the price, if ye swallow
Mrs. Dodd thanked him coldly for
the offer, but said she would
be more grateful if he would show his supe
riority to persons of Known ability, by just
curing her duugnter on the spot.
"Well, I will." said he, carelessly and all
his fire died out of him. Put outpour tongue!
—Now your pulse!"
CHAPTER V.
Mrs. Dodd knew her man (ladies are very
apt to fathom their male acquaintances—
too apt, I think) and, to pin him to the
only medical theme which interested her,
seized the opportunity while he wus in actu
al contact with Julia's wrist, and rapidly
enumerated her symptoms, and also told
him what Mr. Osmond had said about Hyp
eresthesia.
"Goose Greese!" barked Sampson, loud,
clear, and sharp as an irritated watch-dog
but this one bow-wow vented, he was silent
as abruptly.
Dodd
Mrs. Dodd to
smiled, and proceeded
Iiypertpmia, and thence to the Antiphlogis
tic Itegimen.
At that unhappy adjective, Sampson
jumped up, cast away his patient's hand,
forgot her existence—she tfas but a charm
ing individual—and galloped into his native
region, Generalties.
"Antiphlogistic! Mai—dear—mad'm, that
one long fragmint of ass's jaw has slain a
million. Adapted to the weakness of human
nature, which receives with rivirince ideas,
however childish, that come draped in long
tailed and exotic words, that aasinine (wily
syllable has riconciled the modern mind to
thechimeras of the ancient, and outbutcher
ed the guillotine, the musket, and the sword
ay, and but for me
Had barred the door
For cinturies more,
on the greatest coming science, the science of
lieuling diseases instead of defining, and
dividing 'em, and lengthening their names
and their durashin, and shortening nothing
but the pashint.. Th' antiphlogistic Therey
is this: That Disease is fiery, and that any
artificial exhaustion of vital force must cool
the system and reduce the morbid fire.called,
in their donkey Latin, 'flamma,' and in their
compound donkey Latin, 'inflammation,'
and, and in their Goose Greece, 'phlogosis,'
'phlegmon,' etc. And accordingly th' an
tiphlogistic practice is, to cool the siek man
by bleeding him, and when blid, either to re
bleed him with a change of instrument, bites
und stabs instid of gashes, or else to rake
the blid, and then blister the blid and raked,
and then posh mercury till the teeth of the
blid, raked and blistered, shake in their
sockets, and to starve the blid, purged, sali
vated. blistered wretch from first to last.
This is the Antiphlogistic system. It is sel
dom carried out entire, because the pashint
at the first or second link in their rimedial
chain, expires or else gives
Buch
plain signs
of sinking, that even these ass-ass-ins take
fright, and try t' undo their own work, not
diseases,_ by tonics an' turtle, and stimul
ants which things given at tho right time in
stid of the wrong given when
tho pashint was merely weakened
par his disorder, nnd not enfee
bled by their didly rimedies would have cut
th ailment down in a few hours."
"Dear me!" said Mrs. Dodd "and now, my
good fiv?nd, with respect to my daughter
'•JJ' me!" clashed Sampson "ye'regoen
1, sine* thsy still,
suririvean'slay in -hol*».. and conurs like
Barkton and altlj I've driven thevamperer
out o' the cintres o' civilization. Begin with
their colors! Exhaustion is not a cooler,
it is a feverer, and they know it the way
parrots know sentences. Why are we all
more or less feverish at night? because we
are weaker. Starvation is no cooler, it IB an
inflamer, and they know it, as parrots know
truths, but can't apply them for they know
that burning fever rages in every town,
street, camp, where Famine is. As for blood
letting, their prime cooler, it is {inflamma
tory and they know it (parrot-wise), for the
thumping heart, and bounding pulse, of
pashints blid by butchers in black, and bul
locks blid by butchers in blue, prove it und
they have recorded this in all their books
yet stabbed, and bit, and starved, and mer
curied, and murdered, on. But mind ye, all
their sham coolers are real weakeners (1 won
der they didn't inventory Satin and his
brimstin lake among their refrijrators), and
this is the point whence t' appreciate their
imbecility, and the sairvice I have rendered
mankind in been the first to attack their
banded school, at a time it seemed imprig
nuble."
"Ah, this promise to be very interesting,"
sighed Mrs. Dodd "and before you enter on
so large a field, perhaps it would be as well
to dispose ot a little matter which HOB at my
heart. Here is my poor daughter ',
"NLISSMEE! A human Bean is in a constant
state of flux and reflux his component par
ticles move, change, disappear, and are re
newed: his life is around exhaustion and re
pair. Of this repair, the brain isthesov.
eign ujint by night and day and the blood
the great living material and digestiblefood
th' indispensible supply. And this balance
of exhaustion and repair is too nico to tam
per with disn't a single sleepless night,
or dinnerless day, write some pallor
on the face, and tell against the buddy? So
does a single excessive perspiration, a tri
fling diary, or a cut finger, though it takes
but half an ouuee of blood out of tho system.
And what, is the cause of that rare ivmt—it
occurs only to pashints that can't 'afford
docking— Dith from old nge! Think ye the
man really succumms under years, or is
mowed down by Time? Nay, you's just
Potry and Bosh. Nashins have been thinned
by the lancet, but niver by the scythe and
years are not forces, but misures of evints.
No, Centenarius decays, and dies, beknse his
bodil' expinditure goes on and liis bodil' in
come lessens by failure of the reparative and
reproductive forces. And now suppose
bodil' exhaustion and repair were a mere
matter of pecuniary, instid of vital, economy
what would you say to the steward, or
housekeeper, who, to balance your accounts
and keep you solvint, should open every
known channel of expinse with one hand,
and with the other—stop the supplies? Yet
this is how the Dockers for thirty cinturies
have burned th' human cradle at both ends.,
yet wondered the light of lifo expired under
their hands."
"It seems frrational. Then in my daugh
ter's case you would
"Looksee! A pashint fall sick.
What haps directly? Why the
balance is troubled, and exhaustion exceeds
repair. For proof, obsairve the buddy when
Disease is fresh!
And you will always find a loss of flesh.
To put it eronomikly, and then you must
understand it, been a housekeeper:
Whativer the Disease, its form, or essence,
Expinditure goes on, and income lessens.
To this sick and therefore weak man, enter a
Doctor purblind with cinturies of Cant,
Pricidint, Blood, and Goose Greece: imagines
him a fiery pervalid, though the common
sense of mankind, through its interpreter
common language, pronounces him, what he
is and looks, an 'invalid,' gashes him with a
lancet, spills out the great liquid material of
all repair by the gallon, and fells this weak
man wounded now, and pale, nnd fainting,
with Dith stamped on his face, to th' earth,
like a bayoneted soldier or a slaughtered ox.
If the weak man, wounded thus und weak
ened, survives, then the chartered Thugs
who have drained him by ths bunghole, turn
to and drain him by the spicot they rako
him, and then blister him, and then calomel
him: and lest Nature should have the ghost
of a chance to counter balance these fright
ful outgoings, they keep strong meat and
drink out of his system emptied by their
stabs, bites, purges, mercury, and blisters
damdijjits! And that, Asia excipted, was
professional Midicine from Hippocrates to
Sampsin Antiphlogistic is but a modern
name for an ass-ass-inating routine which
has niver varied a hair since schlastic midi
cine, the silliest and didliest of all the hun
dred forms of Quackery, first rose—unlike
Science, Art, lleligion, and all true Suns—in
the West to wound the sick to weaken the
weak and mutilate the hurt and—TIUN
MANKIND!"
The voluble impugner of his own profes
sion delivered these last two words in thun
der so sudden and effective as to strike Ju
lia's work out other hands. But here, as in
Nature, a moment's pause followed the thun
der-clap so Mrs. Dodd, who had long been
patiently watching her opportunity,
smothered a shriek, and edged
a word: "This is irresistible you have con
futed everybody to their hearts' content, and
now the question is, what course shall we
substitute?" She meant "in the great case,
which occupies me." But Sampson attached
a nobler, wider sense to her query.
"What course? Why the great Chrono
thairmal practice, based on the remittent
and febrile character of all disease above all
on
The law of Perriodicity. a law
Whence Midicine yet has wells of light to
draw.
By ltemittancy, I meantli' ebb of Disease by
Perriodicity, th' ebb and also the flow, the
paroxysm and the remission. These remit
and recur, and keep time like the tides, not
in ague nnd remittant fever only, as the
ProfisBion imagines to this day, but in all
disease from a Scirrhus in the Pylorus t' a
toothache. And I discovered this, and the
new paths to cure of all diseases it opens.
Alone I did it: and what my reward?
hooted, insulted, belied, and called
a quack, by the banded school of
profissional assassins, who. in their
aay, hooted Harvey and inner, authors
too of great discoveries but discoveries nar
row in their consequences compared with
mine, T' appreciate Chronothairmalism, ye
must begin at the beginning so just answer
me—What is Man?"
At this huge inquiry, whirring up all in a
moment, like a cock pheasant in a wood,
Mrs. Dodd sank back in her chair despond
ent. Seeing her hors de combat, Sampson
turned to Julia and demanded, twice as
loud, "WHAT IS MAN?" Julia opened two
violet eyes at him, and looked at her mother
for a hint how to proceed.
"How can thnt child answer such a ques
tion?" sighed Mrs. Dodd. "Let us return to
the point."
"1 have never strayed an inch from it.
It's about Young Physic."
"No, excuse me, it is about a young lady.
Universal Medicine! What have I to, do
with that?"
"Now this is the way with them all," cried
Sampson, furious "there lowed John Bull.
The men and women of this benighted nash
in have an ear for anything provided it
matters nothing: Talk Jology, Conchology,
Entomology, Meterology, Astronomy, Deu
teronomy, Botheronomy, or Boshology,and
one is listened to with riverence. because
these are all far-off things in fogs: but at a
word about the great, near, useful att oi
Healing, y' all stop your ears for why your
lile and dalianourly happiness depend on it.
But 'no,' sis John Bull, the knowledge ot our
own buddies, and how to save our own
Bakin, Beef I mean, day by day from disease
and chartered ass-ass-ins, all that may in
terest the thinkers in Saturn, but wha't the
deevil is it t' us? talk t' us of the hiv'ulv
buddies, not of our own. Babble o' comets
an' meteors an' Ethereal nibula (nevermind
the nibulie in our own skulls) Discourse t' us
of Predistinusliin, Spitzbairgen sea-weed, the
lastnovel, siventh vile: of C^rischinizing the
Whitechapelians the letter to the Times
from tlie tinker wrecked at Timhuctoo nnd
the dear Professor's lecture on the proba
beelity of snail-shells in the back-yard of the
moon! but don't ask us to know- ourselves!
—Ijjits!!"
The eloquent speaker, depressed by the
perversity of Englishmen in giving their
minds to every part of creation but their
bodies, suffered a momentary loss of energy
then Mrs. Dodd, who had long been watch
ing, lynx-eyed, glided in.' 'Let us compound,
lou are for curing all the world, beginning
with nobody. My ambition is to cure my
girl, and leave mankind in peace. Now, if
you will begin with my child, I will submit
to rectify the universe in its proper turn.
Any time will do to set the human race
r'glt
you own it is in no hurry, but my
child case presses so do pray cure her for
me.
"Mai—dear mad'm: cure her! How on
airth am I to do that?*'
At least tell me what her indisposition Is."
"Oh! What didn't I tell you? Well, there's
nothing the matter with her."
[TO BE COXTL.M'ED.]
THE PARK CONTINENT.
Th« areatar Part of It Barren
Plaid for Archaeologist*.
I". C. Melons in a recent magazine
article tells of the beauties of Mashuntir
land in South Africa, which he calls
the richest country in that part of the
continent. According to all accounts,
about eighty years ago Mashunaland
was densely populated and all the fer
tile valleys were under cultivation, but
most of the people were killed by
stronger tribes and there is nothing
left to show that they ever lived except
tho deep pits from which they took clay
to plaster their huts and make their
cooking-pots and the clusters of thorn
trees around the sites of their villages.
While North Africa teems with the
remains of tho ancient Egyptian and
Roman civilizations, no other part of
the world is so destitute of prehistoric
remains as the remainder of the dark
continent. Savage Africa is now in
the beginning of the iron age, and not
until within the past two or three years
have any vestiges of the stone age been
discovered. In all his wanderings Liv
ingstone never picked up so much as
a flint arrowhead. Recently, however,
quite a number of ancient stone imple
ments have been unearthed in Angola
and on the lower Congo.
There is one part of South Africa
where extensive remains of prehistor
ic people have been discovered. This
region extends several hundred miles
inland from the east coast, between 18
and 20 degrees south latitude. This
is the region where Rider Haggard
laid the scene of his story "She," and
the ruins of great stone walls and
towers and cities that have been found
there leave no doubt that in prehis
toric times the country was occupied
by a civilized people, and that they
had not only one or two cities, but oc
cupied a large extent of country and
formed a fair-sized state. Some of tho
walls of these ancient towns are 12
feet thick at the base and reach even
now a height of 80 feet. Considering
tho difference of climate, it is believed
that these ruins have stood nearly as
well as the most enduring monuments
of Egyptian civilization. These inter
esting relics have not yet been scien
tifically studied, but it will be sur
prising if the explorations of the future
justify the present supposition that
the founders of these cities were
Phoenician colonists, who while found
ing colonies in North Africa and Spain
did not neglect this far southern part
of Africa, where they were induced to
settle by the discovery of gold in its
mountains and river-beds.
But in the most of Africa there is
nothing left to disclose the stirring
history of early days, when wave after
wave of population swept over the
land, as is still occurring to some ex
tent, tho new-comers building their
homes and founding such prosperity
as savage people enjoy upon the ruins
of their predecessors. In the last
book Capt. Wissmann has written he
has a picture of one of the surprising
street villages he discovered far south
of the Congo. A few years later he
found these villages in ashes and their
builders killed or driven away, leaving
no trace that a few more years will
not entirely obliterate.
Was Determined to Beat Dick
Jones.
There were a dozen or more fly
screen doors outside the store marked
"Only #1.30 each," and when the
farmer and his wife drove up, their at
tention was at once attracted.
"That's exactly what I am going to
ask for," she said, as she climbed
down over the wheel to the platform.
"You was, eh? I'd like to know
what we want of a screen door?" he
growled.
"What does other folks want of
'em?"
"Sure 'null. If folks want to buy
every grimcrack that comes out let
'em do it, but wo han't got no money
to throw away."
"Moses, we've got to have a screen
door," she observed as she went elbser.
"We are the only folks on the whole
Center Line road without one."
"Has it hurt us any?"
"Yes, it has. There wasn't a tin
peddler, lightning-rod man, piano
agent, or chicken buyer who called
last summer but what throwed out a
hint to us."
"And if they'd throwed out a hint
that we orter have a door bell you'd
take on till you got one, I s'pose."
"I don't say nothin' 'bout door bells,
'cause folks can knock when they
come but we do need a screen door."
"What fur?"
"They look rich from tho road, and
they keep flies and bugs out."
"We have kept house tliirty-eig.ht
years now, and we orter be used to in
sects. Bugs and flies don't bother us
none, and they are healthy anyhow."
"See how cheap they are Moses,"
she continued in pleading tones.
"Ya-as, but you kin buy the netting
fur five cents a yard—^white and green
andyallarand all kinds. I tell ye,
Martha, we can't afford it."
She sighed and was turning away,
when the hardware man came out and
briskly said:
"Ah, how are you, folks. Looking
at those screen doors, eh? Powerful
nice things to keep Hies out"
"Ya-as, I s'pose so," replied the
farmer, "but we don't want any. I
rather like to have flies around."
"Well, I could1 nt let you have one
of that lot, anyhow." Dick Jones
takes the whlole lot anyhow. Dick
Jones takes the whole five."
"What! our Dick,"
"Yes, over on the corners."
"And he's all mortgaged up and can't
buy anew plow!"
"There, Moses, what do you think!"
exclaimed the wife.
"And Dick Jones has bought them
doors?' he asked of the merchant.
"Yes, he'll take 'em."
"No he won't! Just load three of
'em into my wagon! I don't go much
on grimcracks, and I know we don't
need 'ein, but I hain't goin' to let no
turnip top like Dick Jones go swelling
5!
around over me—not this year. Comn
along, old woman, and pick ye out a
forty cent pair of stockinga—yes you
may go as high as 60! I'll be swashed
if any family named Jones can sit on
our coat tails!"—New York Sun.
A Laughing Town.
"Ye&, I have been in the town of
Plummerville, Askansaw," said a mem
ber of the Chicago Press Club. "A
young Kentuckian, named Warren
and I once published the Weekly Corn..
Cob in Conway, a town situated about
fifteen miles from Plummerville. One
day Warren came to me and said:*'Got
a great scheme.1
'What is it?"
'Why, I saw a man just now who
says that if we go up to Plummerville
we can get five or six subscriptions.
He says they hanker after a humorous
paper up there more than any people
he ever saw. Says that when they get
hold of a humorous publication they
sit out on the cotton bales and read it
out till the whole town is convulsed
with laughter. Says that he has seen
women leaning out the windows, laugh
ing fit to kill themselves, at a deputy
constable who was reading a negro
story.'
"We'll go at once,' said We had
passes on the road and of course no ex
pense would be incurred. I was not,
upon arriving at the town, delighted
with the prospects. I heard no joyous
laughter. A man, with bits of hog fat
sticking on his boots, was cursing and
belaboring a balky horse a negro with
a cast-iron plow-point in his hand, was
swearing that he would kill 'dat tri
flin' culled preacher an old fellow
with a sun-grin on his face lay under
a tree, and an ole mule, hair-scorched
and hip-shot, was biting the bark off a
poplar pole. The commercial part of
tho town consisted of a row of shed-like
stores, built of "up-ended" boards.
"'I hear no haw-haw, Warren,'
said I.
'Oh, it'll break out after while,' he
hopefully answered.
"We went into a store. A man, tall,
gaunt, squint-eyed and low-browed, was
cutting off apiece of cheese with a
knife that looked like a scythe blade.
'How are you?' said I.
'Hy,' he answered, paying no at
tention to us.
'Very nice town you have here.'
'Hah?'
'I say you have a very nice town."
'Ah, hah' (still cutting tho
cheese.)
'We are the publishers of the
Weekly Corn-Cob, one of the best
known humorous publications in the
country.'
'The whut?'
'Weekly Corn-Cob."
'What's that?'
'Why, one of the best-known
humorous publications in the country.'
'Two dollars a year,' Warren sug
gested.
"•We are going to give a column
write-up of your town, and we want
you to subscribe,' said
"He uttered a sort of blubbering
roar and swung his scythe-blade.
When Warren and I reached the rail
road platform, I remarked that the
fellow did not appear to be tickled.
'But that fellow over yonder
'•nay be a laugher,' Warren hopefully
answered.
"I can't help it,' said I. 'He may
be loud in his mirth, but I shall not
call on him. I've got enough.'
"The town marshal came up and
asked what we wanted. We told him,
and ho pointed down the railroad, and
said:
'We don't want no foolishness
here.'
•The train would not be due until
late in the evening. We stole a hand
car and left the town. Men whose
chief business consisted of stealing
ballot-boxes indicted us. We gave up
the Corn-Cob and wandered away
while the katydid was singing at ves
pers."—Arkansaw Traveler.
Gems of Thought
The love of money is the root of all
evil.—St Paul.
Flattery is a sort of bad money to
which our vanity gives currency.—
Locke.
Fools with bookish knowledge are
children with edged weapons they
hurt themselves, and put others in
pain. The half-learned is more dan
gerous than the simpleton.—Zimmer
man.
In all evils which admit a remedy,
impatience should be avoided, because
it wastes that time and attention in
complaints which if properly applied,
might remove the cause.—Johnson.
The richest genius, like the most
fertile soil, when uncultivated shoots
up into the rankest weeds and instead
of vines and olives for the pleasure
and use of man, produces to its sloth
ful owner the most abnndant crop of
poisons. —Hume.
I have lived to know that the great
secret of human happiness is this:
Never suffer your energies to stagnate
The old adage of "too many irons in
the fire" conveys an untruth. You
cannot have too many, poker, tongs,
and all, keep them all going.—Adam
Clarke.
It is hard for a haughty man ever to
forgive one that has caught him in a
vault, and whom he knows has reason
to complain of him his resentmenl
never subsides till he has regained the
advantage he has lost and found
means to make the other do him equal
wrong.—Bruyere.
Thou mayst be sure that he that
will in private tell thee of thy faults is
thy friend, for be adventures thy dis
like, and doth hazard thy hatred for
there are few men that can endure it,
every man for the most part delighting
in self-praise, which is one of the
most universal follies that bewitcheth
mankind.—Sir W. Raleigh.
Stranded Porpoises.
A school of porpoises was stranded
on the rocks near Sarasota, Fla., last
week and twenty-seven died before
the return of the tide.
'V
7
EATEN TO DEATH BY ANTS.
The Horrible Pate Which Came to
a Poor Little Zulu Maid.
"Travels in Zululand:" The son of
Painbeli, a chief, had died suddenly,
and the diviners, or witch doctors, were
callcd upou to smell out the "abataki"
who had caused the chiefs death. The
Zulus are completely under the power
of the witch doctors. They believe
thoroughly in bad men and women who
go about at night accompanied by their
familiars (wildcats and baboons) and
lay poison in the path for people to
step over, and on the thresholds, and
in the fields to destroy crops—thus
sickness anU death are attributed to
their magic and malice.
In the course of the next day .all the
people gathered in the square before
Pembell's house—a mass of silent,
quaking men and women for none knew
who the diviners would convict Pain
bell himself sat silent and sorrow
sti'icken in the doorway of his hut, be
fore him the witch-tinders.
There were three hideous and revolt
ing: men wearing various charms upon
their filthy bodies, rows of gleaming
teeth round their necks, dried toads,
with the eyes of animals and snake
skins tied to their waists, and a quanti
ty of clanking metal bracelets on
ankles and arms.
After some preliminary incanta
tions those three men suddenly leaped
forward and commenced their work
of "smelling out." Round and round
the great circle formed by the people
they ran, sometimes slowly, with cun
ning gravity, sometimes with almost
incredible swiftness, forever crying
out one word, "Eswa," and all the peo
ple repealing it after them, sometimes
louulv—then it was dangerous—then
whispering it, crying it over and over
again, running, (lancing, yelling until
the witch-finders, steaming with per
spiration, had lashed themselves into
a state of hysterical fury, shouting
and shrieking with the wildest contor
tions of face and limb, till, after one
tornado of final violence, they swooped
with the rapidity of eagles upon one
startled girl, touched her with a forked
slick, and cried "Eswa," at their loud
est, while the cowering crowd breath
ed freer the next moment, and then re
peated the fatal word in one last over
whelming shout.
It was all over, the trial was finish
ed, the victim was selected, and
naught remained but the penalty to be
pronounced. At the supreme moment
of selection the people dropped away
on either tide, and the girl stood alone,
the focus of all eyes. After one fear
ful glance all around, after one second
of tense rigidity, the woman fell for
ward in a stupor of pitiable terror. It
was a sight no man could ever forget.
When those appointed by the witch
doctors touched her she rose shrieking
and struggling, but seeing—probably
knowing—the hopelessness of it all,
she fell again at their feet.
Late that night one of our Kaffir lads
—an English-speaking mission-boy
called Tom Oupe—came in and told us
the woman had been taken to the woods,
bound to a tree, her body smeared all
over with white honey, a small train
of it thickly laid near a white ant's
nest, and left. When the moon crept
above the tops of the trees Wood and
I arose, buckled on our revolvers and
cartridge belts, and signalled Oupe
quietly. After going about a mile the
boy crouched and pointed, and Wood
and I went forward alone. There was
a partial clearing in the forest, and
through the trees wo could see tho
plain beyond, then a passing cloud
drifted by and obscured the light. We
two men stood close together and wait
ed with our revolvers in our hands.
Nowhere does the moon seem to shine
with such wonderful radiance as in
Africa. When the light showed again
we crept forward. All at once Cyril
gave an inarticulate cry of horror and
dismay he was covered with thous
ands of crawling things, slimy millions
were creeping at our feet, and there
before us—in the white spendor of the
moonlight—was the young girl's body
tied naked at the foot of a tree, eaten
to death bv ants.
Slavery in Florida.
An Indian in the everglades of
Florida, it is said, is still holding in
slavery negroes that were his when
the war broke out
A Tender-Hearted Huntress.
Near Abbeville, Ga., a party of
young ladies ran a rabbit into a hollow
tree several miles from town. They
stopped the hole, but could not dis
lodge the rabbit, leaving the hole
closed. At midnight one of the party
regretted having imprisoned the ani
mal and, going to the spot, removed
the obstruction which made him a
prisoner.
Destruction of Bats.
The Smithsonian Institution, Wash
ington, D. C., has a special quarter /or
live animals, which for along time has
been infested with rats. Captain
Weedin, who has charge of the animals,
has made a valuable discovery, by
means of which he is rapidly getting
rid of the pests. He noticed that the
rats persistently raided the stock of
sun-flower seeds which were used for
food for certain of the birds, and act
ing on the hint ho baited his rat-traps
with the seeds. The bait aeted like a
charm, and next morning every trap
held from ten to fifteen rats.
The Name Saved Him.
Proprietor patent medicine (in a hos
pital—My poor friend, I near you met
with a terrible accident on the railroad
near Smith's Crossing.
Patient—Yes I was thrown fifty feet
and given up for dead.
"So I heard and when you regained
consciousness you were gazinjr on the
big rock which contains an advertise
ment of my stomach bitters."
"Yes, sir."
"Well, you liavo been snatched from
the jaws of death, and I have callod for
a testimonial.'"—New York Weekly.
§£HOW PEOPLE SLEEP.
Soma Intorostlnv Dream Statistic*
Gleaned by a Russian Univers
Ity.
An Interesting investigation upon
the above subject has recently been
made under the auspices of the Uni
versity of Dorpat, Russia, says the
Boston Medical Journal. Some 500
circulars were sent out with a serleajfcl
juite definite questions, which were
answered with equal detail by 161,
students, 113 other males, 142 females.
Tho results for tho two sexes were so
Different that they demand separation,
while the students formed a homogene
ous class interesting as a special
study. The first problem that was pro
posed was the relation between the
frequency and the vividness of dreams.
it appears that 62.5 per cent of those
who dream every night dream vividly,
30.5 per cent of those who dream fre
quently, and only 26.8 per cent of those
who dream seldom, showing that the
vividness of dreams increase very rap
idly with their frequency. Next, how
is the intensity of sleep related to the
frequency of dreams? Of the students
who dream nightly 68 per cent have a.
light sleep (and only 28 per cent have
deep sleep) of those dreaming fre
quently, 40 per cent of those dream
ing seldom, 82.8 per cent. Similiar
percentages for the other males are
58.8, 42.1, and 39.8, and for women
72.46 and 50 per cent. We conclude,
then, that frequent dreams area con
comitant of light sleep, though the
relation is far from universal. As re
gards sex, women have 73 per cent of
their number dreaming nightly or fre
quently, while students have only 50
per cent, and other males 48 per cent.
Again, 63 per cent of the women sleep
lightly, and only 42 per cent of
students, and 44 per cent of other
males. We conclude, then, that
ivomen have a very much lighter
sleep than men, and that their dreams
ire proportionately more frequent
Another conclusion, the evidence of
which is too detailed to present, is that
as we grow older our dreams become
less frequent, but our sleep becomes
lighter age affecting the intensity of
sleep more than the frequency of
ireams.
The author regards the student as in
the period af maximum dreaming (20
to 24 years of age). The deep sleep of'
childhood (hostile to frequency of
3reams) is then least counter-balanced
by the lessening of dreams due to age.
The vividness of dreams shows a simi
lar relation to age and sex the women
dream most vividly the students, being
younger than the other men, have
more vivid dreams. The power of re
membering dreams is also dependent
on vividness and frequency of dream-
ing it is accordingly greatest in wo
men, and greater in students than in
more mature men. The liveliness of
the emotional nature, a prominent
feature of women and youth seems thus
to be marked out as the caustic agent
in the production of dreams. The dura
tion of sleep should naturally be related
to the habit of dreaming, but in the
men no such relation can be discovered.
In the women, however, it appears that
those who dream frequently sleep an
hour longer than those who seldom
dream. This difference is regarded as
iue to the fact that men are more un
der duty to break short their sleep and
thus vitiate the statistics. This is cor
roborated by the frequency with which
the men who dream frequently declare
themselves tired in the morning, indi
cating incomplete sleep.
'V.
*4°
The need of sleep is greater in wo
men than in men the duration of sleep
being longer and the percentage of
tired morning and evening and of not
tired being 3 to 2 and 2 to 3 respective
ly as compared with the men. Stu
dents sleep longer aud are less tired
than other men. The time needed to
fall asleep is about the same in all
three classes—20.0 minutes for the
men, 17.1 minutes for students, and
21.2 minutes for the women. In each
case, however, it ikes longer for
those who are frequent dreamers and
light sleepers to fall asleep than per
sons of opposite characteristics.
Eighty per cent of students sleep un
interruptedly through the night, 70 A
per cent of other men, and only 43 per
cent of women. Light sleep and
frequent dreams increase the inter
ruptedness of sleep. The power of
falling asleep at will is possessed by
few. It is greater in youth than in
age. Twenty-eight per cent of men,
19 per cent of students, and 20 per
cent of women sleep in the afternoon,
indicating a making up of insufficient
sleep on the part of men.
Tho effect of dream habits upon
mental work is also evident Those
who dream seldom, or sleep deeply, are
better disposed for work in the fore
noon than light sleepers and frequent
dreamers. The forenoon seems in
general to be the preferred time of
work. The statistics regarding nerv
ousness confirm the accepted fact that
this is greater among women than
men. It is greater among students
than other men at large. It is, too, a
concomitant of lightsleep and frequent.
dreams. As to temperament the
phlegmatic people are quite constantly
deep sleepers and infrequent dreamers.
Finally, a contrast between teachers
and professors of the same average
age shows the effect of the occupa
tion. The teacher, with his daily toil,
has a lighter sleep and more frequent.
dreams, while the professor, leading a
comparatively congenial and worriless
life, is a deeper sleeper and a less fre
quent dreamer than the teacher.
A Nautical Joke.
"So your husband has gone to
Europe. How lovely!" chirruped Mrs.
Sweet Clatter to her dear friend Mrs.
Olive Green at the last reception.
My husbaud hasn't gone to Europe
and isn't thinking of such a thing," re
sponded Mrs. Sweet Clatter. Who
could have started such a story?"
•'Why," answered Mrs. Olive Green
with a look of well-bred surprise, "I
was told this very evening that he
was half-seas over."
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