Newspaper Page Text
Cl)c imc0, Kctu Bloomftcttr, J3cu HIRAM GREEN'S WOOING. Tills life wood be a one hoss sho, Without a day to sport in i There iscnt a tiling a mn can do So liuukey as a cortin. SO rites the poeck Green. A nmn wieh hascnt bin a cortin, nnd cngoid tliem eroliunkey times, is no nioro com plete than a bole of mush and milk with out the usual quantity of lacteal flooid Standin lecnin over the front gate the old hunisted, holdin the digits of her who has frozed tito to yoor affecshuns oh I its Booth in like. It makes a feller tingle all over,as if a hull regiment of little nak ed coopids was skwirtin laffin guss, ise crceni and colone water into his ercs with a 40-hoss power steeni fire ingin. Mem ry caries mo back on her played-out ve locipede to the days of my yooth, when I was a castin longin eyes and hevin deep size to she who was Mariar Conklln ; but she now struts about wcarin the uniform of Mrs. Square Green, and knocken the spots off of any woman in this ere nashun as a gitter up of veal pot pizo and ingun puddins. I remember Sunday evenings, when fallin into Hue with the rest of the boys about the church doors waitin for Mariar to come out, my gizzard wood warble up und down in my throte like a inule'e ere when scntin his otes. The curus sensashun that a man feels them times is extremely bully. I uster rite short snatches of poikry. Sum of them I considered of hi order then, but since I've grodo to an age of diskreshun, aud taken to bell letters, the insignifi ueats of them yoothful efforts are sub limely fotograit ou my inteleck, For instants : CANTO 1st. Owe ! Mariar, Mariar, I sure will cckspire, With my buzzum a heaven tor thee; If you wont to be mine, I bet I shall pine I shall pine and bckura a pine tree! CANTO 2d. My heart is atlre , For thee, true love: I pant for Mariar, My sweet turkle dovel AC, AC. I coodent egsist with my sole harrow fid up so. Therefore, one pleasant even in, when uatcr, with the ade of a potent soothen syrup had bushed the prattlin offspring to sleep, I dipt my flaxin lox iuto a lot of medicated hog's lard grecst my boots with cole-ta. put on my tother close, and pinted for Deckiu Conklin's, determined to woo the old man's darter, W else be called a foofoo. Mariar's muther cum to the door and ushered me into the presents of my idle. There sot Mariar a quarterm apples to dry. Crieky ! didn't I feel sick ! Jess no. IJ1 never furgit my feelins if I live to be old enuff for the last revolushanary soger. I wisht I was an apple and was been quartered by them hands, as she so gayly chucked her old case knife into the core. As the old .oman left suddenly, it occurred to mo that she smelt a ded rat, aud knew what I cum for. Walkin up to Mariar, I took her by the apple-stained hand and sed : " Mariar, yoov jist old punkins," and I slightly squoze her hand. She sed with a little titter : " Now, you git eout, He Green. " I've cum," sed I, " to offer tho this hart of mine. Will you share my lot? Will you be my light fingered antelcpe my rite bower ! Oh I Mariar, Mariar !" I coctinood, throwin a little stage actin into my voice, " coodist you, with them ere peepers of yourn, see the agitashun of this ere distracted heart, and beholdist the " I dident git no further fur goin thru tho attitoods, I stept back, when ' ker touse" I went into the swill keg, wich was sot out to catch the apple parins into. As I went down, up squashed the por cine fodder, eoverin Mariar's dress. This sot her to hollerin, when in cunis Deekin Conklin, Miss Gonklin and 2 or three oth er nabors. Thare I was, doubled up like a jack nife, with my nose between mv knees, looking as dogish as a string of Bassiges. A row by any other name Wood smell as sweet as I, With oncleen food all ore my close, And slch perfoom, oh, my) Old Miss Conklin was the fust tobrak ilie silent. Sed She : "Hiram Green, you're j fool. Yoove jist got yoorself into a sweet old mess. If you want to marry my gal, why don't you up and say so, and not bo a dutupin joorself into the swill barrel without no regard whatever for jrour beat baruis. Ilecr, Mariar," she continoocd, " get the tongs and pull Hiram out and scrape him off with a chip." I was jerked out pooty lively, when the Conklins sot to scrape me off. Then says the old woman : " Ilcer, Hiram, take her, she's yourn ; but in the futur keep out of swill barrels and sich. We were soon united in the holy bonds of wedlox, and line free to admit it was trooly the most niomcntshus event of my checkered life. (N. B. No kcerds.) I laid out a scries of rules with which to govern my wife, but she bein a little de cided in her opinyuns, thru obstikles in my way, resemblin broomsticks, &c, wich caused me to abandon tho rules. But I defy any man, or strong minded woman, standin, to rise and git up nnd say that Mariar haint been a good wife and a virtuous housekeeper, daruin my stocking and patchin my old close, like an old ronmn muther, while watchin over the 11 (eleven) offspriug of wich she and I are the respected parents. I hope the public wont consider it ea gertism when I say honors has been show ered onto me like hot cakes. Like one of our many presidents, Ivo risen from tho lowermost round of the ladder, hav ing served successfully as a tailor, stage driver, pound master, hog constable, skool trustee, &., ontil my feller citizens called onto mo to dump my eucyclopedian form into the magisterial cheer, and my deeds as Gusticc of the Pcece, has gone into history hed fust along with Square Solo mon. How troo was the sayin of H. Ward Beecher : " There Is occashunally a time, With a tied man, Which if taken by the horns, Will lead him, if he keppa his head level, To nobody nose where 1" Hiram Green. Esq., Late Gustice of tho Peace. How to bo Handsome. MOST people like to be handsome. Nobody denies the great power any person may have who has a good face, and who attracts you by good looks even before a word has been spoken. And we see all sorts of devices in men and wo men to improve their good looks paints and washes, and all kinds of cosmetics, including a plentiful annointing with dir ty hair oil. Now not every one can have good feat ures. They are as God made them; but almost any one can look well especially, with good health. It is hard to give rules in such a short space, but in brief these will do. Keep clean wash freely and univer sally with cold water. All the skin wants is leave to act freely, and it will take care of itself. Its thousands of air holes must not be plugged up. Eat regularly and simply. The stom ach can no more work all tho time, night and day, than a horse ; it must havo reg ular work and regular rest. Good teeth are a help to good looks. Brush them with a soft brush, especially at night. Go to bed with clean teeth Of course, to havo white teeth, it is'need ful to let tobacco alone. Any powder or wash for tho teeth should bo very simple. Acids may whiten the teeth, but they take off the enamel or injure it. Sleep in a cool room, in pure air. No one can have a clean skin who breathes bad air. But more than all, in order to look well wake up the mind and soul. When the mind is awake, the dull, sleepy look passes away from the eyes. I do not know that the brain expands but it seems to. Think, read not trashy novels, but books that have something in them. Talk with people who know sonic thing; hear lectures and learn by them. This is one of the effects of good preaching. A man thinks and works, and tells us the result. And if we listen, and hear, and understand, the mind and soul are worked. If tho spiritual nature is aroused so much the better. We have a plain face really glorified by tho love ot God and man which shine through it. Let us grow handsome. Men say they can't afford books, aud sometimes they don't even pay for their newspaper. In that case, it does them little good they must feel so mean while reading it. But men can afford what they really choose. If all the money spent in self-indulgeneo, in hurtful indulgence, were spent in books and self-improvement, we could see a change. Men would grow handsome, and women too. The soul would shine out through the eyes. We were not meant to be mere animals. Let us have books, and read them, and sermons, and heed them. Curious Telegraphic Mistake. AST011Y is told of a young gentle man residing in one of our largo cities, who was a member of a small social club. His most particular and intimate friend among the members thereof was a youth who had gained for himself the sobriquet of " Sarah's Young Man," from his devotion to that once popular air, which in sonic form orother either sung, whistled or hummed was seldom absent from his lips. To this club our hero, whom we will christen Mr. X , one day fouiid himself called upon to an nounce his approaching marriage, and his consequent withdrawal from their circle. After the usual congratulations had been tendered aud accepted, and the usual lam entations uttered, tho members decided upon tendering to their matrimonially disposed and seceding comrade a farewell dinner, to take place as early as possible after the termination of the weddiug-tour. The marriage took place, and Mr. and Mrs. X started on the bridal journey, which terminated in that usual destina tion of newly-married couples Niagara Falls. Mrs. X was the most affec tionate and charming of brides, and her husband was, of course, tho happiest of men. The period of their stay at the Falls was nearly ended, when one day Mr. X , on returning to his room after a short absence, was astonished to find his wife in a state in which indigna tion and hysterics were struggling for the mastery. She assailed him with a torrent of reproaches. lie was a wretch a vil lain ; she was a miserable, ill-used, wretched woman. She would leave him; she would go home to her mother! And here hysterics got the upper hand, and she burst into a passion of tears. " What is tho matter ?" the amazed husband at last found breath to ejaculate. " Head, sir read !" sobbed the poor little bride, pushing toward him an open yellow envelope. " I thought there might be bad news from home, and I opened it; and oh oh oh " Here she broke down again, and Mr. X unfolded the important document which had pro duced such startling effects, in a state of utter bewilderment. It was a telgram, and it ran as follows : "Our spree Is fixed for the 20th. Don't forget We will have a glorious time. "Yours ever, "SAKAH S. YOUNGMAN." " There.sir!" cried Mrs. X . "How can you ever dare to look me in the face again? Who is this Sarah Youngman ? and what do you mean by promising to go on a spree with her? and you just mar ried too! You arc a wicked " Here a shout of laughter from Mr. X. interrupted tho flow of his wife's elo quence. He had been stat ing blankly at the dispatch, and suddenly the whole af fair flashed across his mind. The tele gram was in reference to the promised dinncr,whichhis facetious friend had been entrusted with the forwarding of, and he had signed tho dispatch " Sarah's Young Man" a signature which the tel egraph operators had seen fit, intention ally or otherwise, to alter to Sarah S. Youngman. As soon as his irrepressible laughter would allow him to speak, ho explained tho mistake to his wondering and indignant wife, who, however, being a sensible littlo woman, was speedily ap peased, and joined in tho laugh, and to day numbers Sarah S. Youngman among her most warmly welcomed visitors. Novel use for Cats. The clever French missionary IIuo, who, with his companion Cabct, first gave us an intelligent account of life in tho in terior of the Flowery Kingdom, was not a little surprised, and quite incredulous at first, when his Chinese friends told him that cats were their watches, and enabled them to tell, with unerring accuracy, the hour of tho day. He learned' however by careful observation, that this was really so : for he noticed that the pupil of every cat ho saw, though wide open in the early morning, would gradually contract as the sun rose; at noon a perpendicular line of extreme delicacy would bo all that was left to be seen, and then tho pupil would dilate again, to return to its natural size by sunset. And when poor Fussy has served her time as a dial, she is served up herself not in disguise, as in French restaurants, but boldly and boastingly. In many a lowly house in town, and in almost every farm-house in the country, a number of cats aro seen fastened to chains for tho purpose of fattening them: and in the market-houses they hang in long rows, exhibiting their snowy white ness, and withjheads and tails carefully left untouched, to testify to their genuineness. Discovery of Treasure. A PAPER published in Natchez, tells the following : Many of our readers will no doubt ro member the great exeitcliient which exis ted about a year ago in this vicinity, caus ed by the assertion of an old negro sorce ress that a quant ity of tho treasure of the once celebrated Captain Kidd was buried a short distance from the National Ceme tery, near what is familiarly known as the " Devil's Punch Bowl." Quite a number of our colored citizens, believing tho sto ries of this old woman, engaged in the work of digging for the hidden treasure in a spot which, by the aid of the black art, she had pronounced it to be buried. They progressed in their labor for a number of weeks, without success, and finally gave up in despair, a heavy rain having discommoded theni to a discour aging extent. Time pased on, and the event has perhaps escaped the minds of nearly all to whom the mysterious affair was cognizant, and but for the event which we are about to chronicle, would perhaps have never disturbed their brains again. However, wc will on to our story which is really as strange as it is true. Shortly alter a heavy storm, a few weeks ago, a couple of negro boys, while hunt ing In the vicinity of the excavations made by the disconifitted treasure seekers of one year since, chanced to find a dingy and rusty old square box, which was so bound about with metal as to almost re semble an iron box. It was with difficul ty that the two combined could move it, and to carry it was out of the question. While one of them remained near this queer-looking old box, tho other went home for his father. The father, his wife and another colored mau, repaired to the spot and remembering the old sorce ress' tale, at once concluded that they had found at least a portion of the treasure. Events have proved that they were not amiss in their conjectures. But they moved very cautiously in the matter, lest they should be discovered, aud so under the cover of night the box was removed to their littlo cottage. Up to the early part of this week they confided their secret to no liviug person, but a serious affair hav ing occurred between the boys, the matter being at first but vaguely hinted at came to the ears of our reporter. He re paired to the house on Wednesday night for the purpose of examing the treasure found. Tho box in which it was found is about three feet long by two feet wide, evident ly made of a species of cedar, and is firm ly bound by strips of iron, running around laterally and diagonally, aud fast ened with long nails, clinched inside. The treasure consists principally of an cicut Spanish gold and silver coin, dated from 1450 up to 1530, and it is adjudged that there is at least 30,000 worth of them. Besides tho coin there are several gold buckles and various other articles, seemingly to have been worn as orna ments. A great number of silver orna ments were in the box, which it appeared wore used as some part of their sword trappings. It is impossible to tell what metal any of tho coius or ornaments aro composed of by their looks, for all havo a mouldy, green appearance, fully attesting to .the lapse of timo since they were buried. A little golden cross, with the image of our Saviour, establishes the religion of the people who buried the treasure, and from tho dates on the various coins it is believ ed that tho treasure thus unearthed at this late day was buried by none other than the late Hernando Do Soto and his followers, about tho year 1640, as it is well known that the discoverer of tho mighty Mississippi was in this vicinity about that time, and also that ho was se riously troubled by the hostile Indians. A piece of parchment found in the box was so old and musty that no characters could be discerned upon it. As a whole, the discovery of this long hidden treasure forms no inconsiderable event in our history, and will throw a new light upon tho adventures of tho hardy Spaniards who frcqueuted the spot where now stands our beautiful city, centuries ago. A number of individuals havo visited tho hut; and examined the coins, and all agrco with the views of tho writsr as to whom tho treasure was buried by. &&" The deepest penetration man has yet made into the crust of the earth, is about five thousand feet. It is fou.id that the temperature increases as we go down, at the rate of botween one and two degrees for every hundred feet. If this rate holds good, forty miles bolow tho surfaco the earth must all bo a mol ten mass. Clinching a Bargain. RATHER a cute Irishman, named Pat Mulrooncy, had a kicking horse which he wanted to get rid of, but found very difficult. At last he entered him at llerkness' Bazaar, and warranted him sound and kind, und free from tho kicks. On the day of sale, Mr. llerkness pointed out the good qualities of the ani mal, and he was sold for one hundred und seventy-five dollars. Pat was afraid the horse would show his bad qualities before tho money was p.iid, so he wanted to hurry up the bargain, and the way he did it was : IIewent to the purchaser and said " You can't have that horse sur." "Why not? Didu't I buy him?'' said the purchaser. " Yes you bought him," said Pat, " but I've been offered more money for him, and you can't havo him, besides he bites." " I don't care for that" said the buyer, " But ho kicks like the divil," said Pat, " and he'll smash any thing you'll hitch him to." " Well I'm a going to pay for him now, and take the risk," said the buyer, " and if he kicks, I'll never call on you to take him back." The fellow took the horse home, and as soon as he attempted to put him to a wagon, he smashed it all to pieces. It was too late now to complain. Pat told him that tho horse kicked, and llerkness had paid over the money, so the horse was turned out to do the best he could for himself. liather Mixed. A Judge who was examining an Irish witness in a case of assault and battery, was rather troubled by his mixing the personal pronouns in such a manner. Said the witness ; " There was Mike and the dog there, yer honcr so ho flew at me very sav-age-" Judge." WTho? Mike?" Witness. "No, the dog, yer honor. And I says to him " Judge." To whom ? The dog ?" Witness. " No, Mike, your honor. "Getaway w id yer!" and ljust hauled off and hit him." Judge." Hit Mike?,' Witness. "No, the dog, yer honor, ana no made a rush lor inc., Judge. "Who ? the dog ?" Witness. '' Mike yer honor. And I up wid a stone and throwed it at him, and it rolled him over aud over." Judge " Threw a stone at Mike ?" Witness." At the dog, yer honor. And he got up and hit me again." Judge." The dog ?" Witness. "No, Mike. And wid that he run off." Judge. "Mike?" Witness. No, the dog. And then he came back, and got me down yer hon or." J udge. " The dog came back at you ?" Witness. "No, Mike yer honor, and ho isn't hurt any at all." Judge." Who isn't hurt?" Witness. " The dog, yer honor." Resigned. It is certainly gratifying to know that in , Illinois, the Young Men's Christian Association is doing a good work. One of its most active members is Mr. ,a young gentleman of po sition and means, who had done much in aiding the poor and unfortunate. At ono time he became quite interested in a German family in indignent circumstan ces. The wife was quite sick, and ho visited her very often, doing all ho could to prepare her mind for tho worst, if it should come to that. lie had not seen her for a few days when he met the husband, and tho following conversation took place : " How do you do, Mr. ?" How is your wife?" " Mein frau?-mein frau is dead." " Dead ! is it possible ?" Was she re signed ?" " Resigned? resigned f Mcin Gott sha had to be !" Several young girls were amusing themselves some timo ago with an eleo trio battery. Emma proposed taking ono of the poles and her friend Annie the other, aud instead of joining hands, kiss each other. A scream from Miss Anuie caused tho young lady who was turning tho wheel to stop suddenly, when Emma exclaimed that it " felt just liko a mous tache." Tho point is, how did tho young lady know how a moustache feels?