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HENRY A. PARSONS, Jr., Editor and Publisher. NIL. DESPERANDTJM. Two Dollars per Annum. VOL. IX. y ltipGJVAY,. ELK COUNTY,' ' TA., THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 1879. NO. 8. U HI: . -vai r " Funny Uncle Mill." I hoard the grown folks talking last night when ,1 lay abed, So I shnt ray eyes and listened to everything they said ; And first they suid that Polly and Fhil were coming here, And a good old soul was rolly,,but Thil was always queer. And they never, never, never, tn all their lives could see How I'olly enme to marry him, nor how they oould agree; For she was just as bright and sweet ns any flower in May, , But ha was tight as a drum-head, and as black fts a stormy day. And his nose iftts always poking into other talk's atHiirs, And he was altogether too fond of splitting hairs j And he luid so many corners you never oould come near Without your hitting some ot them, or being in constant fear. Well, 1 listened very liard, and I 'raembered 'every word, And 1 thought it wns the queerest thin a body ever heard ; And in the evening, when I heard the chaise enme down the hill, I almost couldn't wnit to see my fnnny Unele I'hil. But, oh ! what stories grown folks tell ! He wasn't blnrk at all ! And lie. hadn't any corners, but was plump and fun- and small; His nunc turned up a little, but thon it was so wee, How it could poke so very much I renlly couldn't see. And when lie kiw me staring, he nodded hard. and smiled; And then he usked them softly if I wan Elsie's child; And when grandma said 1 was he took me gently on his knee, And wound my longest curl aboat his finder carefully. And ho told mo 'bout my mamma when she was a little girl, And nil the time he talked he kept his flngoi on that curl ; Till at lust I couldn't stand it, and I slipped down by his cluur, And askedlum how he cunic to be so fond ot splitting hair. Sty ! how he starud ! and Jimmy laughed, and grandma snook hor head, And grandpa lmd his awful look, and Uncle Sum turned red ; And then the clock ticked very lond, the kitchen was so still, Ami I knew 'twas something dread! ul I had suid to Uncle I'hil. But I couldn't help it then, so I told him every word, ' And he listened very quietly; he never spoke nor stirred, Till I told him 'bout the corners, and said I didn't know How he could have so many when thore didn't any show. And thun be laughed mid laughed, till the kitchen fairly shook ; And he gtve the frightened grown folks tmcli a bright and funny look, And said, ' Tis true, my little girl, when Polly niurriod me I was full of ugly corners, but she's smoothed tliem down, you see." And then they idl shook bauds again, und Jimmy gave three cheers, And Uncle Sum said little pitchers had most moubtrouci cars; And grandma kissed Aunt Polly ; but then she looked at me, And said I'd better " meditate " while she wit getting tea. That means that I must sit und flunk what naughty things I've done; It must be 'cause I'm little yet they seomod to think 'twos fun. I don't quite understand it all; well, by and by I will Creep softly up to him, and ask my funny Uncle I'hil. .inulia Vailey-JlUea in Wide Jlwakt. AN APRIL HOAX. Looking ut it from without, it does not appear very unlike its fellows, this little suburban cottage ot the Ilosy, witll its unpretending hooded porch, over which the ivy trails its dark green foliage, its two parlor windows in front, and its bay-window at the side; but within tli'TO is nothing commonplace. Kvery room, every corner, reflects the refined taste, of Janet Koy, and the tiaint fancies oPher brother Dick. Dick, the handsome, the talented, the gentlemanly he is all this and more in his sister Janet's eyes is sitting on the window-seat, the sun bathing his shnpelv iigure in its impartial rays. He is rending- the morning paper; with more interest probably than most men are wont to have, for he recognizes the mannerism of each writer on the editori al page ho is on the editorial staff him selfand takes pleasure m seeing how Smith treats the Eastern question, what Jones thinks of the condition of the In dians, anil what Brown has to say on the presidential policy. He has not written a stroke for over a week him self. He lias been quite ill: a heavy cold threatening pneumonia has . kept him a prisoner at the cottage, and for seven mornings was the public; been de prived of the pleasure and profit of pe rusing his timely and caustic remarks upon general topics. Only yesterday he stepped across tne threshold into man hood j it was his twenty-first birthday: to-day lie is a citizen of the republic. The clock on the mantel-shelf tinkles forth eight silvery notes. Dick looks up irom ins paper wun some snow ot im patience. Where can Jyjet be? As if in answer to his thought, the door opens, and Miss Hoy, tall and graceful, in a dress of olive-green serge, in charm ing contrast with her light golden hair, comes softly in. " Have you been waiting long, Dick?" sne asKs, in-a pieasant. Kindly voice. "iNo. replies dick, throwing down "Our grandfather's 'brother!" repeat Jil8 paper anayawngllimguiaiy, "notjho; "what m awfully am ' relative! verv lonp: tint I'm srlad You've come. for I'm deueedly hungry Rather a goad sign, isn't it, Jean?" " To be hungry ? Yes : very good " sitting down at the table and tappin the call-hell. "Rut it won't last ver Innir. I'll venture to sav that in fifteen minutes from now your appetite will be "Vpw HVpIv " said Dick, as Sarah en ters from the kitchen, bearing the cof fee-urn in one hand and a dish of beef steak in the other. " At any rate, I will sec how far steak, coflee and hot .bis cuits will eo toward diminishing it." Presently there U a violent ring at the door-bell. " - "Who can that be?" exclaimed Dick inquisitively. " I wonder if any of th boys could have come out to see what has become of me?" "It sounds verv like the postman." anus ins sister: ana tne postman it is. Two letters are his contribution to the Roys this morning, both of which Sarah hands to Miss Janet, who hurriedly reads the addresses. One' is for herself, the other is for her brother. " ' Here is a letter for you, sir, if your name is Horatio,'" she quotes, reaching it to mm across the table. But my name is not Horatio, lie replies, correctingly, as he takes it. " Are von aware that to paraphrase is perfectly allowable? If your name be Hicham' would be much more appropr: ate. and would sound far better. Janet scarcely listens to the prattle of her brother: the letter that has come lnr her is edited with black, and she nervouslv tearing open the envelope in her haste to see what' ill news it Iras brought, whose death it has come to an nounce.'. ! Dick notices her agitation as Bhe draws out the inclosed sheet, and wonders even as she is wondering, what van be its message. " Uncle Arthur is dead," she says, the next moment, giving a sigh of relief. 1 enitf tr ii-nu in 1 1 .ivi'v'c In nA xevi t i n rr and so feared it was Cousin Margaret. " Uncle Arthur!" repeats Dick. " Un ...... ... " '" ... . .. ...... V. cle Arthur! He's one of my respected great-uncles, whom I have never had the pleasure of seeing: a California mil lionaire. 1 wonder, did it ever strike him that a little of his wealth would be iieceptablc to his great-niece and great- nepliew, who are battling with the world far away over here in the Knst? "Oil. Dick! exclaims Miss Roy. greatly shocked, how ran you talk -o the poor man s money when he is just lend.-" Poor man!" savs Dick. laughing, ' I always thought he was a rich one." .May l inouire. asks Miss Kov. meekly, when her brother had twice read the epistle he holds in his hand. nnd is about to begin again, "what ,e has to say that is so xxru interesting?" A slight flush mounts to Dick's fr.ee as lie hurriedly crumples, the missive into I us pocket Nell!" he repeats. ' How did vou know it was from Nell?" " 1 know her handwriting..".-, i "But it's iust like hundreds of others" ontmued Dick, buttering a hot roll in ontimianee of Ins breakfast. "All ladles write tn tlm same st vie nmv-n-rinva. The letters are all very tall and all very mm. Kach lady's hand has tipculiiu-itv. nevertheless." "'Which nobodv can den v.' " emotes Kicnard. miiiic hands are mnk and some, are white, some are fnt and some are lean, some wear diamonds and some wear none. How you trip- one up'." exclaimed anet, smiling. " You know verv well what I mean. Would vou have me stumble over the whole length of ' chir ography' every time?"' be a waste of breath, and would seem as though you were intentionally airing our knowledge of Webster's Una- ridged." Dick ia beginning to congratulate him self on the masterly way in which he baa turned the subject and escaped rudely telling his sister that the contents o'( Miss Nellie Taylor's letter are not for her ears, when she again refers to his re marks. Bv-the-bve." she savs. as she draws from the urn her brother's second cun of coiiee, " speaking 01 some hands with iamondsand some without. Nell doesn't wear one, does she? When do you pro nose presenting her with one' of the gems?" " 1 was not aware" (with mock grav- lty) " that young men are generally ex pected to provide their lady friends with diamond rings." Did the fact that there is such a thing as an engagement ring ever present itself to your enlightened intellect?" " EiMwanent .'" repeats Dick: "did I understand you to say cnguyemaUt Since when, pray, did you conclude that your respected brother had given his lean to another." i know 01 no engage ment." " Oh, dear!" says Janet, sighing melo dramatically ; " have I really been mis- ken? And here I was already conwat- lating myself on so soon liarine a sister- in-law!" Do you remember the nurserv hyme?" asks Dick: Can the love that yon re so neh in Iiuild a Are in the kitchen ? Or the little god ol love turn the spit, spit, spit v . should hesitate, I think, to ask anv one to marry me, for fear of having that itiplet thrown in my lace. .Now it that ar old great-uncle ot ours had onlv taken it into his aged head to leave us a w of his many thousands, then perhaps might think oi engagements and dia mond rinirs and mothers-in-law : and yon might begin to speculate on the com parative advantages of my various lady n-iuis as a siSHT-in-jaw. "Hoor. ltr old man!" Janet con tinues, kindly. "I can iust remember sitting on his knee and nluvinif wit), bic long beard at the time he was on from the WW. It's really a shame, Dick, our being so lively, and Uncle Arthur. e-ranH. father's own brother, lying dead." "Well, my dear, I should be lying alive if I said I was sorry he's gone; for i,,. a uuurt mnc E uupc, ano W JIO nows but he may have thought of us?" "Oh, Dick!" beseechimrlv. "please don't joke about it. I really do foef bad ly, and Cousin Margaret and Harry must be to grieved." "So they must," says Dick, apparent ly acquiescing in his sister's views. " I am sure we all do. Don't you think, Jean, we had better bow the shutters and Jiang out black bombazine?" " I shall bow the sllUttem." aHda.Tnnnt. feeling rather angry at her brother's eou- inued joking. "It is the least. can do, and it shows some -respect for our grandfather's In-other," rising and leav- ug jic aim ai me tame, Surely he must have bequeathed 'some thing to his brother's grandchildren.!1, f Dick is in his study now a neat, cozy little room back of the drawing-room, which is in reality the library, but which Mr. Roy, he being a literary man, choos es to call his study. He is sitting at Ids table, with Nell's letter spread out before him,, and is reading it for the fourth time. There is nothing very remarkable about it; it is not what one would style a love-letter, and yet Dick would not for all the world have his sister get a glimpse of it. " Dear Dick, I have been looking for you to - call, as - you promised, and am much surprised, at not having seen you. Your birthday, I think you told me, is about this time. Did you have a party P and are you so elated at having attained your majority that you are above visit ing your friends? I cannot think that because you are now a man you have irivcn ud all the friends of vour cinhutood, I'lease call soon, and tell me all about your presents. Ever your friend, NEtt.." That is it) and in It Dick is trying to find traces of something more than friendshin. " Nell is an awfullv .iolly eirl." he says to himself, leaning back in his chair and thrusting his hands into his pockets; " iust as full of fun as ever she can lie. I wonder whether she really does care any thing for me? I'm not altogethera bad- lookinc fellow, if I do say it myself, and I fancv I can talk quite as well as the most of 'em. How is one to tell whether a girl cares more for him than for another, when she persists in being jolly with every one?" " - . Then he gets to thinking or. some means to solve the problem. How shall he prove her? . Presently an ideawmes to nim. first faintly, indistinctly then' moreplninly and more vividly, until a Dl.tn--an excellent plan, he think stands out before him in beautiful sym metry. Everything seems to have work ed in favor of it, nnd he is naturally joy ous over his discovery. L .. . lie opens one ot the drawers in his writing-table nnd takes, out a packet of letters. . iurougii tnem lie searches until he findstwo that Janet wrote him while he was away on his midsummer vaca tion. These ho spreads open before him, and taking a sheet of notc--paper he be gins to write, now closely studvinsr his sister's letters, now slowly putting words upon tne paper, nail an hour and he has finished. He folds the sheet, incloses it in on envelope, and -addresses it its carefully as he has written it. Then lie rises, and, unlocking the door, meets Janet in the hall, hhe sees him take down his hat to go out. 'Had you not better wear vour over coat?" she asks. " I'm afraidyou might take cold again." Ira not eoing far." he answer: "only to post a letter." Joellr she asks, tasinclv. "Are you not rather prompt in nnswei-ing your correspondents. Dick, making no rcnlv. roes out. while she, laughing to herself, hurries away tq her numerous household duties." "' ," The next morninir is the 1st of April All-fool's Day, with its temptations to practical jokes and its myriads of little nnocent lies, when every one does his best to make a fool of his dearest friend ns well as his direst foe. It is a briu-lit. sunny morning, that swells the buds to burstjng. and draws up the blades of fresh young grass as a magnet draws steel. Dick Itov is in the verv best of spirits: he has persuaded Janet into believing that he lias taken a frch cold ; has as sumed a voice as hoarse as a veteran bull- Irog; and has been looking the verv pic ture of distress, until the arrival of the postman just as he is creeping in to Lireaklnst and adding to his Mster s anx iety by his distressed countenance auses him to brighten up, and in the loaresl tone remark, "Ton mv word. Jean, ray cold's cone. Did it strike vou this was the first day of April?" An expression ot reliet mingled with annoyance mounts iMiss Hoy's counte nance. You awful bciv !"' she exclaims. " You should be ashamed of yourself, trying to tool vour own sister. " And suncerdiny, too." laughs Dick. The only letti-r this mornintr is one for him. It is hidden by a large yellow en- elope. and addressed in a bold heavy hand that gives one an impression of im portant business at once. As Dick opens it and catches sight of the heading, his face brightens in expectation, and con- inues brightening until he has read it quite through, when he is wearing the iHoauesi oi smiles. "Hurrah !" he shouts, his boyishness making its appearance through his new ly acquired manhood " hurrah for Uncle rthnr ! Hurrah ! Jean, we've been left a fortune !" Janet looks at him unbelievingly. She has been fooled once this morning, and does not intend to submit tamely to what she considers her brother's second attempt. " If vou must joke. Dick." she savs. calmly, her voice and manner strangely contrasting with his excitement, " pray don't take such a subject. You are play ing your part very well. I admit: but still I remember now what day it is." " But I m not.iokine: it's a fact. Here is a letter from the dear old boy's lawyer. Look at the postmark; look at "the letter-head ; read the message," he goes on, excitedly, running around to his sis- 18 side of the table and snreadinsr the envelope and its contents before her. He is certainly not fooling her now, as she is compelled to sdmit when she is thus presented with the evidence. The same heavy stylo of writing that was ithout is within. Jlirliard Roy, Esq.: " Deak Sik" (it begins)." I have pleasure in informing you that the will f the late Arthur Hoy. lii.,ot this city. bequeaths to his great-nephew and great- niece, Richard and Janet Koy (yoursel and sister), each the sum of fifty thou" sand dollars. These amounts are in" vestwl in United States irovernment bonds, and shall be forwarded to you in I due course. " I have the honor to be your obedi ent Bervant, " J. Madison Pehhy, Executor." The effect of the reading on Janet is uite the reverse of that on her brother. Instead of breaking forth into joyous shouts, her sensitive nature causes her to burst into a flood of tears. Dick looks at her in astonishment. What can she be crying for ? he thinks. legacy of fifty thousand dollars no does not consider a cause for weeping, and concludes that his sister has become mystified in regard to the time to weep and the time to laugh. - M What is the matteu witlt you P lie asks, when the first outburst has sub sided into occasional suppressed sobs. " Oh, Dick !" cries Janet, wiping her eves! " I believe you have no feeling at undo wo have lost ! How 'good Of him to remember us !" . "Very eood' of - him. inaeed." add Dick; but I can't see that that ought to make one sad. Rather a cause for re joicing, I should say. Poor fellow, he was so old he couldn't enioy it. and I dard say he's better off where he is ; that is, if he was as good as his will makes me think he was." . ! : : . Janet is really grieved. Her nature is so intensely sensitive that a great kind ness invariably has this effect upon her She refuses any more breakfast, and goes hastily up to her room, where she spends the morning in trying to picture her uncle as he was when, so many years aim. she sat on his lap. and child-like ran her tiny fingci's through his Jong gi y art va. k. V All through the morning, as, thinking thus, sue sits oingenuy sewing tears ever and anon well up in her eyes and go trickling down her cheeks before she is aware, oi their presence. As a natural consequence, twelve oclock finds her with very red eyes and nose, and a gen eral appearance of having gone through a most heart-rendering affliction. This is her condition when Sarah knocks at the door, and on entering announces that Miss Tavlor is in the drawing-room. "Oh, "what shall I do?" exclaims Janet, in perplexity, as soon as the maid is out of ear-shot. "She will see that I have been crying, and will want to know all about it; and I really can't talk of it now. 1 wonder where Dick is; he might go and see her, and explain that I'm not well; but dear me" getting up and smoothing back her hair with both hands' "1 suppose he's out somewhere. He never is about when he's wanted, but is sure to be here when he's not." So, wiping her eyes for the hundredth time since breakfast, and giving her nose the fiftieth gentle blow, she goes softly down to the drawing-room in search of her visitor. Nellie Taylor a rather short, plump girl, with a charmingly pretty Sink and white fac rises quickly as nnet comes iu. "Oh. Jean!" she says, going to meet her, and presenting a countenance that for signs of weeping is not a whit better off than Miss Roy's, "I do so sympathize with you!" " Janet is much surprised at these words. On what account does she sympathize witll her? Surely she cannot know why she has been spending the morning in tears. "Come nnd sit down by me," Nell goes on, taking her hand and drawin 3 her to a sola. "1 rouble c us some time, you know." " But." becins Janet, thoroughly nuz zled, ns they sit down together, "my dear Nell" " There, now." interrupted she. " don't speak 'to mo of it: don t tell me how much worse you feel than I. I know you think so; but, indeed" and the tears began to trickle down her checks again "you flout know how I joved him." "Nell, what are vou tjilkinc about ?" Janet asks, excitedly, her grief haying given way to astonished curiosity. " It is evident mere is a misunderstanding somewhere." Nell looks at her curiously. " Are you angry?" she asks, in a hurt tone; " would you not have approved of his making mehjs wife?" l ou marry I. nele Arthur! Uncle Arthur!" repeats Nell. It is she who is surprised now. "Who is Lncle Arthur. The dear, kind old gentleman who has just died." But I have been talking of Dick. You must have known I was. Poor dear Dick!" and again she is weeping as though her heart would break. " Hut Dick is not dead?" Nell looks up in incredulous, glad sur prise, .there is a movement of the mrticrc which covers the entrance to the library. " Nor likely to be soon," shouted Rich ard, running forward from his hiding place, where he has heard all the con versation, his pie: want face wreathed in smiles. The next moment he has caua-bt Nell in his arms and is kissing away the re maining tears. You darling good girl!" he snvs, pas sionately, "now I believe you do care a little bit for me." But I cannot understand it." savs Janet, in wonder. "What ever could have caused you to think Dick wns dead?" - " The idea of asking me, after the letter you wrote!" replies Nell. "Didn't vou tell me so? I didn't think, Jean, that you could perpetrate such an awful joke." " Hut I wrote no letter," adds Janet. Nell outs her hand in her pocket and draws forth an epistle. " Read it," she says. " If vou didn't write it, who did?" And Janet read : " Fridtty mornittff. Mr Deah Nell. I have very sad news lor you. Our darling bov is no more. At twelve o'clock Wednesday night he breathed his last. Oh, how can 1 write it F can scarcely realize that he is gone. Please do come out nnd ste me. I know you thought a great deal of him, and can sympathize with me. I'.ver yours, .1 axet Hoy. Suddenly it comes to Janet that per haps her great uncle was related to the laylors also. Was lie she begins: but before she can finish the question Nell answers her: X es (sobbing). Dldn t you know it? Oh, why didn't some one let me know that he was so ill? I would have so liked to be with him!" Janet looked nitvinglv at her vonnir friend. Surely her uncle must have been a very lovable old gentleman to in spire this affection. Hut how strange it Is," she thinks, that I never knew we were even dis tantly connected with the Taylors. Per haps Dick knew it, but I m sure he never told me." Then she begins sob bing again for mere sympathy, and for a moment not a word is spoken. "Was ho so verv dear to vou?" nbn Janet, bringing the cambric into play again. " Oh, Jean," Nell answers, also wiping away the tears, "you cannot imagine how we loved each other. There was no time set, but then it was understood that it was to come off as soon as his salary was sufficient for him to " nd then she burst into tears again. ..,'iVhat tl0 vou mean?" in surprise. " W hat was to come off? " ' "We were engaged, you know," Nell says, looking up. "Engaged!" w ith great astonishment. Did you not know it?" t " Hut Jr is not mv writing," savs Janet. I never make my e's like that, nor Bn mygplf; ,Em. youi, nnd bel there was no black on the door." it is very like your writing, and I never thought or the black. W'f.o could have sent the letter if you didn't P" . Dick, who is still standing with his arm about Nell's waist, bursts into a hearty laugh. "I am the author," he says. " It was a little April hoax.land it Worked admirably far better than I ex pected." "You awful boy!" exclaim Nelland Janet in chorus. "The boy is dead," persists Dick. "tt,,f ivliat n. fi-iirhtfiil storv vou told!" says Nell; "and how tcmbly I was worried!" " It is all true." says Dick. " There is not an untruth in the whole letter : the boy is no more; the boy did breathe his last. I am a man now. Thursday was my twenty-first birthday." ''But you forged my name," says Janet. ... "I put my initial below, if you notice, replies Dick. And sure enough. hereitwag. "And our wedding will be iust as soon as you can get ready," he adds, turning to Nell. "The interest of fifty thousand, which you must know the puzzling Uncle Arthur just left me, plus my salary, is all-sufficient, isn't it? and I say, Jean, how do you like the prospect of a sister-in-law? It was rather a pleasant April-fool after nil, wasn't it?" Harper's Bazar. Restless Sights. Some persons " toss and tumble " half the night and get up in the morning weary, unrefreshed and dispirited, whol ly unlit, either in body or mind, lor the duties of the day; they are not only in capacitated for business, but are often rendered so ungracious in their manners, so irritable and fretful, as to spread a gloom and a cloud over the whole house hold. To be able to go to bed nnd be in a sound, delicious sleep, an unconscious deliciousness.in five minutes, but enjoyad in its remembrance, is a great happiness, an incalculable blessing, and one for which the most sincere and affectionate thanks should habitually go up to that beneficent Providence which vouchsafes the same through the instrumentalities of a wise and self-denying attention to the laws of our being. Restless nights as to persons in ap parent good health, arise chiefly from, hrst, an overloaded stomach; second, from worldly care; third, from want ol muscular activities proportioned to the needs of the system. Few will have restless nights who take dinner ht mid dnv. and nothing after that except apiece of cold bread and butter and a cup or two of some hot drink ; any thing beyond that, as cake, pie, chipped beef, dough nuts and the like, only tempt nature to eat when there is really no call for it, thus engendering dyspepsia and all ita train ol evils. Worldlv care. For those who cannot sleep from the unsatisfactory condition of their affairs; or that they are about to encounter great losses, whether from their own remissness, the perfidy of friends, or unavoidable, circumstances, we have a dep and sincere sympathy. To such we say, live hopefully for better days ahead, and meanwhile strive diligently, pnr sistently, and with a brave heart to that end. But the more common cause of restless nights is, that exercise has not been taken to make the body tired enough to demand sleep. Few will fail to sleep soundly if the whole of daylight, or as much thereof as will produce moderates fatigue, is spent in steady work in the open air, or on horseback, or on loot. Many spoil all their sleep by attempting to force more on nature than she requires. lew peivons will fail to sleep soundly, while they do sleep, if they avoid sleep ing in the daytime, will go to bed at a regular hour, and heroically resolve to jet tip the moim-nt they wake, whether it is at two, four, or six o'clock in the morning. In less than a week each one will mid how much sleep ins system re- quin-s; there-alter give it that, ana no more. Hall's Journal of Health. Moving Dny. ."Moving dav, witll all its attendant horrors, is at hand." said James, yester day evening, " and 1 don't see how 1 am ever to get through with it. It brings nothing but work, work, work." ' W hv. ves, replied (iiiiiulfather I.ickshingle, " it is a terrible day for us poor men folks, and no mistake. Seein' us how this drc'ful dny has rolled around an' battered me over the bald an' beet ling pate upward of a hundred timea, I ought to know a little somethin' about it. Work! Well, I should say so. Git up in the mornin' before breakfast, sit around till it's ready, then eat nu' off down town after a wagon. And right here I waut to say that the standiu' pre mium of a million dollars in gold offered by the United States government to the man that finds a wagou when he wants it has never been claimed. .No mortal man ever finds a -wagon without hoofin' 'round a whole Kutiare. an' i(t this kind of work is knocking years and years of usefulness out of some of our best voting men. W ell, after the doggoned wagon is found, you must give the driver vour old as well as your new address, as .the papers say, and that's enough to break anv ordinary man's back. By this time you're pretty well fagged out, an1 you send the wagon to the house, while you go off down town about your business, an' your wife finishes up whatevenUtle odds an' ends there may be to do about the movin' Oh, its dreful, dre'ful! an' it raises the blisters on mv hands to think of it." And grandfather bowed his aged head on his cans antljyoaued. Cincin nati Enjuirer. " Words of Wisdom. It requires more power to control for tune than to control kings. Flattery is a sort of bad money to which our vanity gives currency. Hard words have never tauirkt wis dom, nor does truth require them. What is the best government? That which teacht us to govern ourselves. Some hearts, like evening primroses. open most beautifully in the shadows of me. It is extraordinary how long a man may look among the crowd without dis covering the face of a friend. There is no wise or good man that would change persons or conditions en tirely with any man in the world. He that hath really felt the bitterness of sin, will fear to commit it ; and he that hath felt the sweetness of mercy in e a- .Y j - wiu lear io ouunu u. It is better not to expect or calculate consequences. Liet us trv to do right actions without thinking of the feelings tney are to can out in others. " A nolita man." unid t.li Due Aa Moray, " is one who looks with interest to things he knows all about when they are told him by a person who knows pothtog about tliouj," A Lucky Holder. A San Francisco correspondent writei : There are so many curious turns of fortunes wheel on the Comstock. I heard only yesterday of a case where cold-blooded persistency of purpose and tenacity ot grit in lace ot most discour aging circumstances won a big fortune: and .the case isthe more remarkable becnuse. knowing the parties, meet ing them almost every day, being fami liar with their surroundings, etc., I never before heard of it. It leaked out only by accident. Mr. Root is the man who designed all the machinery, laid all the plans, made all the contracts, and superintended the work of building Gov. Stanford's famous wire-cable street-railroad in this city, which runs a distance of two miles through the richest and best part of the city, and is to-day the model street-railway of the continent. Root is a young man, not over thirty-six, thin, wiry, homely, and well, shabby. He is a splendid mechanic, and though for a long time in Central Pacific em ploy, nobody knew him until he built the Stanford street-railway, entirely on his own plans, that there was so much in him. To look at him you wouldn't think Root ever saw a mining-stock certificate. Yet one dny when Sierra Nevada was booming along at 200, Root walked into the oflice of a leading broker, an old friend, and said : " Dan, guess we'd better get rid of some of this now," and he handed over two certificates, one of 5(10 shares and the other of 100. "Dan" took them, looked them over, and noticed that the backs of both were perfectly covered with receipts for assessments. "Wliere in the world did vou get these?" asked Dan. "Bought 'em four years ago," said Root. " Had 'era lying in my trunk ever since. Paid, I think, fifty cents a share for some, six bits for some more, and got some for two bits. Been paying assess ments ever since religiously, and the wnoie lot stands me in about $5 a share. I wnnt you to sell half of it now, for I guess it's time to ' call the turn.'" and within three days 300 shares of Root's stock found a market at from to $220, and his broker passed to his credit over 860.000. I he other 300 shares he got rid of at $225 and S2-10. and about $70,000 more went to his credit. He hauled down $50,000, and then, as to the rest, said to his broker (and here is the point 1 want to make), " I want you to put so many thousand into Norcross, so many into California, so many into Curry, and so many into Belcher. Pay for them, let them lie; and when assessments come pay on them." "Hut, said the broker, "you may have to wait, and" "That's just what I expect to do wait. But sooner or later some one or the other of those stocks will make me a tortune. And this is the spirit that our average working Californian goes into specula tion ou the Comstock with. Few here buy Comstock stocks for dividends. I.et a mine there beginto pay dividends, and unless they are very big, or the mine has a prospect of keeping them un. not a dollar is added to the value of the stock. Our quiet buyer, our business man, our shrewd-capitalist, are all actuated by the same idea. "Buy them when they are cheap, lay them away, and sooner or later if any mine within a mile makes a strike we may make 500 per cent. If the strike should come in our own mine we may make from 5,000 to 10,000 per cent., and, perhaps, if we have stock enough. walk off with the fortune we expected to have to work all our lives for." The English Language. Mr. John Albee lectured in New York on the English language. The transla tion ol the Hible by King James' trans lators and tin? writings of the Elizabethan dramatists were the most powerful iiii iiuenees, . Mr. Albee thought, m mould ing and fixing the language. It was for tunate that the Bible had been trans lated when the best style of language that of the great dramatists was in vogue. The translators, too, had been inspired, and inspiration found voice, beauty and vigor in the simplest ex pressions. I be Bible, then, had met the necessities of those who obieeted to parts of the drama. "Note the difference," said the lecturer, in conclusion, " be tween the unaffected simplicity and power of the writings of those times witll the obscure, affected style of to-day Now we do not ask but inquire ; a wo man is a female; a father a paternal rela tive; we do not give but donate; we never go, begin, eat, get, but proceed, commence, partake, receive; when younger we had rooms, but now apart ments; then there were singers, now vocalists; and it in pleasant to believe that no one now gets drunk, but intoxi cated. See the contrast. In the Bible. the most thrilling and best written of all hooks, ninety-six per cent, of the words are Anglo-Saxon ; in Shakespeare, eighty- six per cent.; and in Tennyson's Ar thur,' J.00O ot the 3.500 words are mono syllables. And so the rank of all writers of fame unquestioned is graded by the proper use of more or less of the Kaxon language. The union of powerful thought and perfect words is like the clearest water in the dearest glass; the water and the glass teem but one sub stance. JeKls from French Paper. A gentleman finds himself in the )iHnd of two highwaymen, witll which Paris has been infested for several wveks, who : i i , , , vaiuiv scarcii ins pockets. " W hat an ass you are," they exclaim, "to go out at night without vour watch. The idea of your believing these stupid newspaper reporters : A well-known politician was formerly a doctor, anil poor one at that. He was talking the other dav of people's in gratitude : I ou can t imagine." he said to an ac quaintance, who remembered his being a doctor, " the number of people that are i.A....nA ... r ; ...J luuL-iiiru iu me jur incir position? v "Their horizontal ones, you mean ?" Extract from a new novel: "Takin, a pen he sat down and wrote to a friend rubbing his hands sleepily together as he proceeded. One of the new Republican officials saw In his room a big, well-dressed Rllow standing with his arms crossed and doing nothing.' The third dav he went to him and asked t " What are vou doing here ?" " I am your second secretary," replied the young man, not in the least disturbed. "Indeed, and what are vour duties?" " Always to be on hand in case you may want me. ' A retired milkman sent his son to travel, telling him to take notes and write home what he saw. He crossed a Span ish river dry shod, and wrote : It would be impossible to carry on the milk busi ness iu this part of the country." TIMELY TOPICS. One would hardly deem these strin gent times when, upon scrutinizing the report of the commissioner of internal revenue he learns that during the past fiscal year no less than 1 ,905,063,000 cigars were smoked, which at ten cents each amounted in value to $190,506,300. In addition to this there was also consumed 25,312,438 pounds of tobacco of the ag gregate value of $15,000,000. An Austrian clockmnker named Jean Writz is said to have invented a ri lie with which from 400 to 450 shots can be fired each minute. The mechanism of the weapon has some resemblance to the movements of a watch, and the cart ridges are so arranged as to form a part of lengthened ribbon. The handling of the piece is said to be a very simple affair; and the inventer is engaged in per fecting those parts proved by experi ments to be defective, in order that the arm mny be used in war. A singular instance of human credulity is reported from Munich. The actress, Adele Spitz-cder, who was sen tenced there about six months ngo to a i .rt-r., Imtii-iuiiiiiiuint Cxi linrlni, o ttt I v. died the public out of many millions by her banking institutions (the Dachauer isanken), conducted, ns she assorted, for the furtherance of the interests of the Roman Catholic religion, tried asain. after her liberation from prison, to earn a living on the stage. Finding that this could not be. done, she has returned to Munich nnd again opened a bank. De posits, on which she pavs eight per cent. montly interest, nre brought to her in abundance, and, of course, another catas trophe will occur. The late ameer of Afghanistan was uni versally, called the " madman " through out his dominions, and so great was the awe in which he was held by his sub jects, the 1'imes of Lulia says, that no one dared tell him ot the deieat of his troops on the Peiwar Khotal by the Eng lish invaders. Shere Ali sat in his council-room waiting for news, hut no one ventured to tell him the result. At last, the mother, of Abdulla Jan sent her lit tle girl to tell her father. He was talk ing eagerly as the child entered, and she tried hard to blurt out her message, " My mother says I am to tell your highness " but the ameer kept putting his hand on her her mouth, as the discussion was important. At last he turned to her, " Well, what is it. littleone ?" Thechild came sidling up, all eyes upon her, "My mother says 1 am to tell your highness the Sahibs have crossed "the Khotal." An instant stampede from the neighbor- hoot! of the ameer closed the council. Yuma. Cal.. has a famous rooster, and this is the way it came about: It is em phatically a self-made- bird. The firm of Sisson & Wallace, nmonst other things, sell eggs. It so happened that all the eggg were sold out of a particular can save one. Meantime the sun went ou getting hotter nnd hotter, nnd preseni. ly tlie egg began to warm up to the situ ation. The progress of the novel solar gestation was watched with an absorb ing curiosity by the store people. About the time the mercury reached 124 de grees in the shade the chicken began to peck its way out ol the shell, and it emerged as defiant an infant rooster as cver wore spurs. It grew npaee, and to day its habits are as eccentric as its man ner of birth. It is exceedingly fierce, and will attack n man, a dog, or any thing that, comes in its way. AH a visit or Jias to do to insure a delivery of bat tle by this pugnacious rooster is to hold up his foot, and straightway the bird will ny at him viciously. We have heard of many ways of hatching chick ens, but a rooster batched by natural heat in a tin can is a little ahead of out previous experiences. Where False Hair Comes From. Fnl.se hair having come to be recog nized as a necessity of the modern female existence, it may be of interest to learn how this constantly increasing want is supplied. Live hair, bought "on foot" (to use the technical term of the trade), constitutes but a very small percentage of the stock in market, as there are few women who are willing to part with their locks for money, and those who have superfluous locks to spare grow fewer year after year. When second hand tresses wi re needed merely to fur nish wigs for a few elderly ladies, agents found no difficulty in securing a suffici ency among the peasant maids of All vergne and Brittany. The present de mand, however, greatly exceeds the sup ply, nnd it is assorted that Paris alone uses more than all the available crop in France, and that Mursi-ilJi-s (the great center of traffic in hair) deals with Spain, the Orient and the two Sicilies, for forty tons a year of dark fiair, of which she makes upwards of 05,000 chignons an nually. Under the name of " (lead hair " are classed the "combings," vt Inch thrifty servant girls save up and sell, the clippings- of harlier shops, faded curie, worn out switches, etc. The scavengers of every city, both at home and abroad, value nothing short of a silver spoon among the refuse so much as a snarl of combings, however dirtv. as it will find a ready sale. Such findings nre after ward washed with bran and potash, carded, sifted, classed nnd torted, and then niade into the cheap front curls, puffs, chignons that abound in market. Much of this enters into the cheaper grades of the 350.000 "pieces" annually made in France, of which enormous trade England is said to lie the liest cus tomer, and America almost as tid. Late reports on the commerce of Swa tow, China, show that a large export trade in "dead" hair gathered in tlie stalls of barWrs, sprang up in 1H73, dur ing which year 18,800 pounds were' ex ported to Europe. In 175 the export of tins refuse arose to 134,000 pounds, with a commercial value of over $25,000. It is an undoubted fact, too, that pauper corpses are often despoiled of their hair to meet this same demand of mi increas ing commerce. Those, then, who sport other than their own natural locks, can never be sure whether these are mloleut of the sepulchre, the gutter, or the mo vant girl s comb. Ucicntif Arneriran. For au Obstinate I'ough. If you have an obftiuate rough, take the following to a druggist, and have him prepare it: R. Tix liquida, 20 drops. Spts. nitr. dule., 1 drachm. SJT. Symplex, 2 ounce. M. S. Teaspoonful night and morning. He should charge vou but little for it, as it is cheap. It is the favorite pre- BCVIrktirtn nf un aiiiina, 1ln. -V . r ' hihiicuu t.BHlIl pliy- sieian, who says that he obtained fijr uiiurnug its u US IlOIll 113 ' If,.,,;). ,j use,.