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Tiro Forest Republican
Is pnbllshod tvary Wedaosday, hf
J. Em WENK.
Offioa In Smearbaogh ft Co.'t Building
ELM BTBEET, TIONF.ST1, PA.
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VOL. XXX. NO. 49. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY. MARCH 23. 1898. S1.00 PER ANNUM.
The report of the Free Publio Li.
brary Commission of Massachusetts
says that only three-fifths of one pet
cent, of the people of the State are
withont tho benefits of frce-publio
Bays the Watchman: "We are in
formed by ono of our most honored
pastors in Providence, R. I., that at a
recent evangelistic meeting in that city
the Rev. Henry Valley declared that
the American Republic was going to
ruin because it is notfouuded on Scrip
tural principles, since the Bible teaches
that a monarchy is the trne form of
human government. This is pretty
strong doctrine for an Englishman to
preach to an American audience."
Admiral Thomas C. Selfridge has
just been placed on the retired list of
the United States Navy, and the event
is, in a measure, unique in the history
of that branch of the service, inasmuch
as the Admiral's father is already on
the retirod list. He was retired in
1 806, after thirty-six and one-half years
of service. ' His name now heads the
column of tho retired officers of the
navy. His sou has seen forty-five
years of service. Thero is no similar
instance on record.
After twenty yearsif legal fighting,
mainly in the Federal courts, a Leav
enworth (Kan.) woman, who was
bound to recover the insurance on her
husband's life, got the State adminis
tration to buck her in a suit in the
Kansas State courts, and at last se
curod $22,100, which included inter
est on the policies of one company.
Of this sum the lawyers got half, un.
der the original contract made when
the suit was first instituted. During
tho pendency of the suit the woman
married again. She says that thi. com
pany from which she recoveied had
beon "sandbagged" by itsown Kansas
attorneys. She expeots now that other
ooinpauies concerned will pay up.
The Chicago Tribune says: In in
itiating steps for the transfer of the
Erie Canal to the general government
the State of New York very distinctly
indicates that it has found the canal a
very large "elephant" on its hands,
which it is anxious to dispose of on
the most favorable terms. One reason
for this action is undoubtedly to be
fonnd in the fact that within the past
few years $9,000,000 has been expend
ed on tho enlargement of the canal,
and now $7,000,000 more is needed to
complete the . work. In the earlier
stages of its history the canal was of
inestimable value to the trade of New
York and tho Western States, es
pecially those adjacent to the great
lakes, but the multiplication of rail
way lines throughout all this region
has diminished its value for commer
cial purposes. The only reasons
whioh could justify tho general gov
ernment iu assuming responsibility
for this work would be the enlarge
ment of the canal so as to make it
possible to transfer Americau nava'
cruisers from the Atlantio to the lakes
in case of war. Such a work would,
at least for the present, put a quietus
on the project for the construction of
a ship canal from Lake Ontario to
tidewater on the Hudson.
, The circulation of the Bible iu this
country is enormous, steady, and
constantly increases, observes Harper's
Weekly. Of Bibles and Testaments
the American Bible Society annually
sells or gives away about a million
and a half, the International Bible
Agency sells about half a million, and
other large concerns, of which there
are four or five in New York alone,
circulate a great many more. With
such a distribution as that in constant
operation one would think the demand
would presently be supplied, but that
is not the experience of dealers.
They say the demand increases all the
time. That muBt be because two or
three million new citizens are born
every year iu the United States, and a
large proportion of them presently get
new Bibles. The idea of starting a
new citizen iu life with a seooud-hand
Bible is not popular. "New boy (or
new girl), new book," is the rule, and
tolerably fortunate children have a
fair collection before they have grown
up. A moderate allowance of the
sacred writings for one American citi--.jU
includes one family Bible that
belonged to parents: one family Bible
for one's own family; one Testament
in large priut used in childhood; one
convenient Bible presented by mother;
one Bible in flexible covers uubse
queutly obtaiued; at least one obso
lete Bible ooutttiuiug the Apocrypha;
one Testament, revised version; the
Book of Psalms separate; a few Bibles
to be kept in church; an office Bible;
and perhaps others.
., Brooklyn is the centre
healthy "pood roads" talk
other city iu the country.
The city Is full of labor
And struggle and strife and care,
Tbe fever-pulse of the city
Is throbbing In nil the air;
But calm through the sunlit spaces.
And calm through tbe starlit sky.
Forever, over the city.
The clouds of God go liy.
The city Is full of passion
And shame and anger and sin,
Of benrts tlint are dark with evil,
Of souls that are Mack within;
But wnlte ns the robes of angels,
As pure through the wind-swept eky,
Forever, over the city,
xue oiouas oi uoa go by.
T was Sunday
it was raining.
The great drops
ously against the
room and dis
turbed the occu
tip from the book
he was reading
and then rose with a yawn. He wus
not particularly fond of rainy Sunday
afternoons, but he walked across the
room to the window and stood gazing
out with apparent interest. The
streets were deserted except for a few
pedestrians hurrying to the corners to
catch the cars; but the street-cars
coming in from the parks were orowd
ed, for earlier in the day the weather
had been beautiful. It was warm for
the first of February; the rain, indeed,
was similar to a summer shower.
Small torrents rushed madly along the
pavements, the window-panes rattled
vehemently, and then suddenly there
was a silence and up above the oppo
site house-tops stretched the varie
gated ribbon iu the sky.
John Powel's lips parted in a smile
as he thought of the pot of gold away
off at the end of the rainbow and of
various other things connected there
with. Years ago, very long ago it
seemed to "him, he had lived out iu the
country in a weather-board house
situated on a grassy hillside. Now he
was a floor-walker in the great dry
goods store of Jones & Cashall. The
yonng fellow had a good mind, yon
could tell by the expression of his
eyes, and that he was resolute and
true showed in his firmly set lips; in
fact, his whole appearance indicated
the man destined to succeed, one who
honorably would hold an honorable
position in life.
With the sudden sunshine and the
rainbow, a third beautiful thiug made
its appearance, a flock of white pigeons
circled about in the dazzling glory,
and then settled tumultously upon
the window-ledge, whereupon John
Powel threw up the sash with a rap
turous welcome. In a little while lie
was scattering a liberal repast among
his greedy friends.
That house on the green' hillside
brought to the young man's miud to
gether with the pot of gold, did not
vanish as he called the pigeons by
names of his own choosing. But he
no longer wished to live in the coun
try; he had ambitious dreams connect
ed with the firm of Jones & Cashall;
there was one thing, however, that he
wanted above all others, and that was
a home. Tbij room was the place
where he stopped his lodging; three
blocks away was the place where he
ate his meals, his diuing-room. He
felt his hotnelessness and .loneliness
very mil oh as he fed the pigeons, while
tbe variegated ribbon gradually faded
out in the sky.
John Powel bad told himself time
and agaiu that it was a good idea for
a mau situated as he was situated to
marry. He was well able to marry;
a home was a sure thing to keep a mau
steady and industrious; it gave him
the greatest possible interest in life.
"I am certain that Miss Rosie is
everything that a man could wish.
Isn't she, Snowdrop," he asked, gen
tly caressing the friendliest of the
pigeons. She has made that third
story of tbe corner house around yon
der a heme for herself and her mother.
All of its windows are hanging with
bloom; her canaries hop about on the
cage and take flies in the sunshine,
but never dream of deserting; aud you
pigeons, you look upon her as the per
fection of the good and beautiful, I
know you do." He gave a half-troubled
sigh. . He did not want to make
a mistake where such a momentous
thing as marriage was concerned; he
wanted to marry a woman as good as
his mother. "Yes, I like the other
little girl, too," he acknowledged,
while a warm glow crept into his
cheeks; "but I'm sure she wouldn't
do. She's spent years of her life be
hind a ribbon counter; she's awfully
delicate-looking to work as hard as
she does; but she's fond of dress and
gayety; too fond of dress to
begin life with a poor mau. But Miss
Kosie is all right; isn't she, Snow
drop?" Snowdrop cooed.
"She is a good daughter, and she
will make a good wife, eh, Snowdrop?
The man who gets her will be a
luoky fellow, will he not?"
Again the bird cooed.
"I wonder who will get the other
one!" said the young fellow, still
speaking to the .bird. "Of course he
won't be lucky, but he'll think he is.
She's never late at the store, aud she
never complains of the headanhe like
the other girls, though I'm sure she
has it sometimes. Yes, marriage is a
lottery. I daresay the mau who mar
The city Is (nil of sorrow
And tears that are shed In vnln;
Oy day and liy night there rises
The voice ot Its grief nud pain.
But soft as a benediction,
They bend from the vault on high,
And over the sorrowful city,
Tho clouds of Uod go liy.
O eyes that aro old with vigil!
O eyes lint aro dim with tenrs!
Look up from the pnth of sorrow,
That measures itself In years,
And read In the blue above vou
The pence that Is ever nigh,
While over the troubled city
l lie ciouus of uod go by.
Clarkson Tongue, In Youth's Companion.
ries our Miss Merrimau will be of the
opinion that he has drawn a prize."
Snowdrop gave a peck at her friend's
finger and flew away in the wake of
the flock, and John Powel drew down
the sash aud went back to the table
and resumed his ch''r. But there
was still an attraction remaining on
the windowsill, a box filled with some
thing green aud growing. From
among the green divided leaves arose
the red buds of the clover soon to
"They look as if they had been
grown in tho far pasture," said John,
full of his home-longing; and then he
set himself to wondering what Miss
Rosie was like. Mrs. Clarke, his
landlady, knew the girl and was not
at all averse to singing her praises;
he had heard them on the stairs, he
had heard them in the hallway, he had
heard them at the doorway of his
room. The children in the street
knew Miss Rosie and Miss Rosie's
pigeons, aud once in a while he saw
some small mortal tenderly carrying a
bunch of Miss Rosie's flowers. His
landlady talked to him as if he, also,
were well acquaiuted with Miss Rosie,
and as if he did not fully appreciate
her; every now and then she asked
him to pay an evening call to that
flower-bedecked home in the third
story of the corner house; but he had
always refused. He did not listen at all
eagerly to the praises that she saug on
the stairway and down in the hall and
even at the threshold of his room, yet
he remembered and treasured every
word of them. He laughed feebly as
he thought of all this. He was in love
with Miss Rosie and he had never seen
her. What would Mrs. Clarke say if
she knew that he wrote notes to the
girl? The red color deepened in his
cheeks and spread over his whole faoe.
Yes, he did write notes to her; very
unsentimental notes, to be sure; but
they meant more than they said, and
he tied them under the wing of Snow
drop and addressed them to no name.
He began neither with "Miss Rosie"
nor "Dear Miss Rosie," he did not
dare, he had never seen her; but he
wrote, in his neatest handwriting,
telling her the proper food for pigeons,
and how to keep the birds in a healthy
condition, explaining now and again
that he had passed his boyhood in the
couutry aud had always been interest
ed in pigeon-raising. To these notes
he signed his name in full, John Pow
el; he did not wish the girl to think
some foolish boys were meddling with
her birds. And the girl wrote back
to him; he smiled as he thought of
that. Her notes were invariably the
same, consisting of the words "Thank
yon" and her name "Rosamond."
John Powel rested his arms on the
table, lost in a day-dream. It was a
strauge thing that the eyes he pictured
to himself as the kindest aud the tru
est eyes a girl might possess, and, of
course, "Miss Rosie" bad them, should
be bo strangely familiar to him, aud
the uose that he saw iu fancy he had
also seen in fact. Those red lips, slight
ly curved, those dimples in a small
delicate faoe "Pshaw!" he cried out,
"that isn't she at all; it's Miss Morri
mau, and I'm not the kiud of a fellow
to be in love with two girls!"
Then he pictured in his mind a vague
Miss Rosie and told himself emphati
cally that she wus as good as any wo
man living and would make a most ex
cellent wife for a poor youug man who
had hopes of future success and
who loved a refined and pleasant home.
Those red clover-heads would be iu
full blossom by St. Valentine's Day.
Well, he would send a bunch of them
to this girl. After that he would pluck
up his courage and ask Mrs. Clarke to
tuke him around in the evening aud
iutrodtice him. His landlady would
be glad to do this, and she would be
able to vouch for his industry and his
future prospects. And after that?
Why, after that it would all be plain
The following morning John Powel
walked to the store more rapidly than
usual. He was feeling remarkably
energetic and young aud strong and
faithful. "Make up your mind, theu
go ahead;" and he had quite made up
his miud. He was sure that his mind
was quite made up even when Miss
Merrimau smiled pleasantly as she
said "Good-morning." Tbe girl looked
pale; she had in all probability
brought a bad headache to the ribbou
counter; but John Powel knew that
she would nob complain. He told
himself emphatically that it was ut
terly impossible for miss Rosie to re
semble Miss Merrimau; aud then he
looked at the girl at the ribbou coun
ter iu a calm and sensible manner.
What did she know about the com
forts of home? She had stood in a
store for years. She had takeu from
her.heud the very daintiest of hats. He
knew something ubout the styles aud
the cost of thing. Delicate, tasteful
things cost money; aud Miss Merri
mau's hat was both delicate aud taste
ful. Miss Rosie made her own hats; I
bis landlady bad told him that in the
hall. Miss Merriman was dressed bet
ter than the other girls. He had often
heard that store girls became exorbi
tantly fond of dress and the fashions,
and spent all their earnings upon
adorning themselves. He acknowl
edged that he liked to see a girl well
dressed; yet he felt that it was very
wrong for a girl to spend all her earn
ings upon her dress. He had not the
slightest intention of marrying an ex
travagant woman. Miss Rosie made
her own dresses; his landlady had told
him that on the stairs.
Now while Mrs. Clarke was full of
praise of Miss Rosie and her birds and
her flowers and her domestn and eco
nomical ways, she laughed more than
once over John Powel's box of clover.
"There are whole fields full of it out
in the country," sho said. "Why, if
he must have flowers iu his window,
didn't he get a pot of geraniums at the
But early on tho morning of the
fourteenth Miss Rosie's pigeons flut
tered about the box of full blooming
clover-heads, and gave little pecks at
the contents as if they fully apprecia
ted country bloom.
John Powel's hand shook nervously
as he cut off the three finest clover
heads and tiod them together; but he
cried out "Pshawl" when ho grasped
his pen to write and wrote firmly
enough the words: "Wear these for
me,' please. John Powel."
He had never before written any
thing like that to a girl. A strauge,
pleasurable emotion took possession
of him as he wrapped tho note about
the stems of the clover-heads and
carefully secured message and blos
soms under the wing of Snowdrop.
Half an hour later he caused Mrs.
Clark to smile at him upon the stair
when he asked her if she would take
him that evening to call upon Miss
"To be sure," said the delighted
landlady. "You young men, you
ought to go to see the girls more than
you do; the girls want some pleasure,
too, after the day's work; but I tell
Miss Rosie she works all the time, in
the store aud at home, too."
All the compiacency had deserted
John Powel as he turned his back
npon his smiling landlady and walked
away from his lodging-house iu the
direction opposite to the store. He
wanted to think. Certainly he could
have no objection to marrying a girl
who worked in a store; moreover, a
girl who worked both iu a store and at
home in order to keep her mother
comfortable; bnt there was a great
bitterness upon him.: He had always
considered himself a just man; yet he
may, in his .thoughts, have wronged
he girl who worked patiently day by
day at tbe ribbon counter in the store
of Jones & Cashall. What right had
he to determine that a girl who worked
in a store would not possess the quali
ties suitable to make a home? How
did he know that this girl who was
never late at the store was not also a
treasure in her home? How did he
know that she, also, did not support a
mother? He had called her extrava
gant. Perhaps she fashioned her own
hats and her own dresses! They
would be beautiful and delicate if
she had fashioned them. What
pleasaut, honest eyes the girl
had, what a true, sweet
face! She was so little aud white;
surely she must have a mother; that
was why she never missed a day at
the storv, never complained of a head
ache. How proud her mother must
be of her! He had reached one of
the city parks, aud he sat down upon
a bench and brought his hands to
gether, acknowledging fiercely in his
heart that he was a mau who was in
love with two girls, a most detestable
being. He felt, indeed, as if he were
false to the girl whom he had known
personally for the past three years.
Ho had talked to her often; ho had
let her know that he liked to talk to
her. Did she, iu turn, like to talk to
him? He gronued audibly. To Miss
Rosie he had never spoken, bnt he
had sent her written messages. He
had seen Miss Rosie's written "Thauk
you," but he had heard the other
girl's. What a sweet musical voice
she had! He had been unfair to the
little girl bohiud the counter. He bad
fallen in love with Miss Rosie's home
and Miss Rosie's pigeons before he
ever thought of Miss Rosie herself;
but he had never made himself ac
quaiuted with the other girl's home.
Suppose he had done so? Suppose
he hud fouud it meager and plain;
suppose it had been a bare room iu a
lodging-house aud that she had got
her meals several blocks away at a
diuing-room. A mist swept before
his , eyes. He would like to have
taken her away from it; a girl with a
face like that, with a gentle voice like
that, with such grit aud industry,
ought to be given the chauce to make
a true home.
The poor fellow started and stared
into vacancy. He had sent a valen
tine to the wrong girl. He had asked
her to wear the red clover-heads.
There was no going back after that.
In the evening his laudlady would
accompany him to the home in the
third story of that corner house, aud
he would make his best bew, and
after that it would all be plain sailing.
John Powel took out his watch and
looked at it and rose hurriedly. For
the first time during his engagement
at the store he would bo lute. He
laughed iu a light-hearted way. He
had never kuowu Miss Merrimau to be
He was twenty minutes behind
time on this nioruiug of the settling
of his fate twenty minutes by the
store clock. He was about to pass the
ribbou counter without his customary
"Good morning," for he felt as if he
could not meet Miss Merriman's
smiling eyes. She must know thut
he hud liked to talk to her. What
would she think when she learned
tLat he was goiug to be married?
Then there came to him a sort of pity
for the other girl and a feeling that
he was false to her as well, and he
turned toward the ribbon counter and
bowed. Then suddenly, like a flash,
a great pleasure came into bis face
and he held out his hand, saying s
name so low that no one heard except
the girl who blushed and smiled as he
took her little fingers into his clasp. On
Miss Merrimsn's bosom, pinned with
a bow of pink ribbon, were the three
clover-heads. John Powel was never
so glad of anything iu all his life.
New York Independent.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL.
The lightest known sjlid is the pith
of the sunflower.
A Cornell professor claims to have
discovered that the original function
of the brain was smelling, and that
thinking was a later development.
A German goldsmith's journal states
that nickel surfaces may be readily
cleansed of tho spots which frequently
appear upon them by the application
of a mixture of 1 part of sulphuric
acid aud 50 parts of alcohol.
Messrs Merry weather, of Greenwich,
England, have introduced a fire ex
tinguisher working by electricity.
The pump is driven by an electrio
motor connected to the etectrio light
ing wires of the premises, and all the
operator has to do is to direct the
hose on the fl imes.
"Floating bogs" are found in the
Lake of the Woods and other-Vater
of Minnesota. The bogs nourish a
large number of plants, shrubs, and
even small trees, as well as little
animals. They drift about with the
winds, and sometimes get caught in
sheltered coves, where they remain
and become fixed to the bottom.
Here is the plan pursued by an
optician when he wishes to bore holes
in glass: A drill borer heated to a
white heat is dipped into quicksilver,
whereby it is excellently hardened,
and sharpened by grinding on a whet
stone. If the drill thus prepared is
moistened with a saturated solution of
camphor and oil of turpentine and the
bore hole is kept rather moist, glass
may be drilled like wood.
Contracts have been signed by which
150,000 acres of land near Chico,
Marysville, and Red Bluff, Cal., have
been secured for beet sngar culture,
and the work of erecting three im
mense sugar manufactories will be
started at once. The syndicate has a
capital of $15,000,000, Foreign
capital has been enlisted in the enter
prise, an agent of the syndicate being
in Europe at the present time.
Russia. Adamle.. Eden.
While Russia does not take rank as
thoroughly up to date and progres
sive in all lines, it will surprise many
people to learn that there is in that couu
try a district whicL is wholly admin
istered aud for the greater part of the
year exclusively inhabited by the fair
sex. It eomprisen some fifteen square
miles in the prcvinco of Smolensk.
In the early spring all the able-bodied
males emigrate in search of work to
the large towns, and remain absent
for nine months or more, leaving their
wives and daughters to cultivate the
fields, and manage local affairs gen
erally under the presidency of a
Mayoress. Before nightfall tbe women
are said to assemble in a sort of club
house and piny cards till 1 or 2 o'clock
in the morning. Moreover, against
the returu of the men folk they brew
quantities of brago, or small beer, and
cook numbers of pirogbis, or patties.
This Adamless Edeu is one of tho
most prosperous and best conducted
portions of the Empire, aud the
Czarina takes a strong interest in its
61ot Machine That Dispense. Food.
In commenting on the automatic hot
water supply now furnished in certaiu
parts of Loudon by dropping a penny
in a slot machine attached to a lamp
post, the London Telegraph suggested
that food may soon be supplied in tbe
same way, whereupon a correspondent
writes: "It may interest some of your
readers to know that the problem is al
ready solved, aud that iu the exhibition
grounds at Brussels there is a cafe
which provides hot and cold luncheons
entirely by the automatic method, aud
I can say from experience that they
are very good. By placing a franc iu
the slot a chop or steak with potutoes
can be procured, hot and well cooked;
another franc will produce a hulf bot
tle of wine; half a frauo will supply a
plate of cold meat, with salad aud roll,
and a nickel of ten centimes will ex
tract a piece of bread and butter und
cheese or a brioche. Besides all this,
a nickel will draw an excellent glass of
hock from one of tbe two large vossels
in the centre of the cafe."
Hone.' Mane. For I'pholsterlug.
Three hundred bales of horses'
manes and tails, to be used for up
holstering furniture, have been land
ed at Philadelphia by the British
steamships Maiue and Michigan from
London. They come from far-away
Siberia, and are takeu from horses
used by the Cossacks after the ani
mals have outlived their usefulness.
Horees are cheap iu Russiu, and after
having seen better days their muues
and tuils are the only things left of a
commercial value. Very ofteu these
hirsute appendages are tukuu from
sound animals, and the beasts left to
their fate. Here the upholsterers use
the hair for stufliug chuir backs aud
other articles of furniture, and the
material from Russia brings the Vest
price, because the huir is the longest,
and consequently the best.
Wheu Ml Hid Not Menu Not.
A man persisted iu answering "Nit"
the other duy iu a Buffalo (N. Y.) Po
lioe Court to the questions concerning
his uuiue. It finally appeared thut the
prisoner's name was Herman Nit, uud
the magistrate cooled down uuuiu,
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THF
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
Flexibility of Fngllah That' Different
A Mnalcal Phenomenon Not Time to
Develop Indignant Cnnstltnrnt An
Action Appealing to the Kecnrd, Ktc
"Yes," ho cried, "I'm aolork! And It Is, f
My voention, proud maiden, to which you
"Oh, no. Mr. Frump!" And she shook tier
"I simply ohjoct to yourcalling," she said.
A Mn.lrnl Phenomenon.
"And what did you think of my
operetta, Herr Director?"
"Alas! So young a man to produce
such old melodies!" Fliegende Blaet
tor. Not Time to Develop.
Jones "Why, Bridget, this is a
very small egg!"
Bridget "Sure, sir, it was just
laid this morning." Detroit Free
He "Darling, I have made a great
fool of myself."
She "I'm aware of the fact."
He "Oh, you me? Good night."
Detroit Free Tress.
Analyzing n Metaphor.
"I wonder," said Mrs. Meek ton,
"why they say that silence is golden."
"I guess," replied her husband,
very unguardedly, "it must be 'cause
gold is so hard to get Bomotimes."
The English Dowager "So your
husband, the Duke, doesn't love you?
What are yon going to do about it?"
Americau Heiress "Sue him foi
obtaining money nndcr false pro
tenses." Town Topics.
In the West.
First Citizen "Pete is getting to
have a lot of new-fangled notions."
Second Citizen "What's tho lat
est?" First Citizen "He nays he has a
prejudice ag'in lynchin' a mau ou cir
cumstantial evidence." Pnck.
Declined With Thanks.
Mr. Oldboy "Miss Younger Clara
from our first meeting I have loved
yon. May I hope that you will returu
Miss Younger "Certainly, Mr.
Oldboy; I'll return it with pleasure; 1
haven't any earthly use for it." Chi
cago Daily News.
Indlgnnnt Const Itnent.
Iudignant Constituent "The peo
ple are getting roused, sir! Your
day is coining! If you look, sir, you
cau see the handwriting ou the wall!"
Boodle Alderman "I don't give a
blame for no haudwritiu' on walls.
De fellies dat's pulliu' fur me don't
read." Chicago Tribune.
Impatient Customer "I thought
you advertised quick lunches. I've
beon waiting for mine for nearly
half an hour.
Waiter "It do take a little time to
get 'em up, boss, but it'll go quick
enough after you gits it. Dey ain't
de kiud dat last long." Cincinnati
A Foolish Answer.
She "Don't you think Mrs. Waps
ley is a beautiful woman?"
He "She is a beautiful woman
the most beautiful woman, I think,
that I have ever seen."
She (after he has gone) "I wondet
if he has always been such a fool or
whether it has just begun to grow ou
him lately." Cleveland Leader.
Worth While to Know film.
Salesman "You are tbe lady, I ho
lieve, who purchased the cook book?
Will you take this card, please?"
Lady-" 'Dr. Pilton.' Why do you
give me this card?"
Salesman "We always give one ol
his cards to a purchaser of 'Ovener'a
Cook Book.' He is very successful iu
indigestion." Boston Journal.
Appealing to the Itecord.
He "I'm tired of bearing about
womau being the 'better half.' Look
at Evel She led Adam into sin. He
never would have eaten tbe foibiddeu
fruit if she hadn't eaten it first. How
do you get around that?"
SUe "The Bible suysthe Lord re
pented that He had made man. He
never repented having made woman.
Get arouud that, will you?" Chicago
Dribbler "In my opinion, a man
who writes an illegible band does it
because he thinks people are willing
to puzzle over it. In other words, h
is a chunk of conceit."
Scribbler "Not always. Some
times a man writes illegibly, not be
cause he is conceited, but because hi'
Dribbler "Modest! What about?'
Scribbler "About his spelling.
New York Weekly.
Overdone ou til. Pyramid.
The cyclist and his cycling bride,
who were making a tour of Egypt,
stood on top of the great pyramid uud
for some moments contemplated in
silence the historic landscape.
Then tho young man spoke.
Stretching out his builds he uttered
Nupoluon's memorable words:
" 'Soldiers, forty reuturies are
looking down upon you!'"
"Why, no, dear," simpered the
lovely bride, "I've only done thir
teen." Chicago Tribuue.
Ill tbe British Museum there are
books written on bricks, oyster shells,
bones and Hat stones, uny manuscripts
ou burk, ivory, leatut-r, lead, iron,
popper aud wood.
Our life Is a blessing, or curse, as wo make
In spite of surroundings, we rise If we
The power Is given If only we'll take It,
Tbe mountains to level tho valleys to
Somestnudnt tho bottom no friends and
Their lot ! a hard one, but upward
If firm In their purpose. Tho milk and tha
Will fall to their portion, as food from the
Our blessings avnll not, if purpose is lack,
Huecess is not won by a wish or a drenml
Hard work and persistence with these for
One never Is helpless, to drift on the
Then shrink not from labor; with willing
bund" tnke It;
No drone ever conquered the Ills of this
Tske labor with gladness; a stepping-stone
Successes will sweeten the toll and the
.I.M. Morse, in Huecess.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
Some people are like weeds, always
showing up where they nre not want
ed. Atchison Globe.
"Is your wife iiterory?" "Yes;
every timo I step out of tho houso at
night sho soys, 'Quo Vadis?' " Chicago
"Appearances are very deceptive,"
remarked the tenor. "Yes," replied
the prima donna, "especially farewell
Visitor to Jail "And how did you
get here?" Confidence Man "They
gave me five years just for attend,
ing to my business." Puck.
"What do yon suppose will come
after the chainless wheel?" asked the
man in the bicycle store. "Custom
ers, I hope," was the dealer's reply.
The Tramp "Can you tell me how
can get some work, sir?" The Citi
zen (crustily) "Yes; buy a bicycle,
and try to keep it cleau!" Tit-Bits.
"What is an infant prodigy, grand
pa?" "An infant prodigy is a little
boy who knows so much that he never
has to ask questions." Chicago
Mamma "Isu't he a wonderful con
tortionist?" Pepa "Yes; I wish I
aonld do that." Mumma-"Why?"
Papa "I think it might amuse the
"The Bea of matrimony which is not
crossed in love," remarked the ob
server of men and things, "is perhaps,
after all, tbe surest not to be angry."
Bridget (to cro3s-eyed clerk) "An
nov yez aiiy frish eggs, Bor?" Clerk
"Plenty. Just look this way, ma'am."
Bridget (loftily) "Shnre, an' Oi'll not
look that way if Oi niver hov any."
"Of course a woman can'tell a funny
story!" she exclaimed, iudignautly. "I
never tried to tell one yet that all the
men didn't get to laughing before I
had more than started." Indianapolis
First Citizen "Of course, a man is
entitled to his opinion " Second
Citizen "Of course, aud if he's a
politician, he's entitled to as many
kinds of opinion as he may need iu his
"How many children have you?
asked a constituent of his Congress
man. "One." "My wife told me you
had throe." "Oh, yes! There's the
twins; but their paired, you know,"
Detroit Free Press.
Ethel "Hove you noticed how
Lord Slabsides drops his aspirates?"
Penelope "Oh, but that's nothing to
the way he drops his vowels papa
says he has got more than a dozen of
his i-o-u's." Judge.
Tom "Ho you are going to marry
Miss Rockingham, eh? I dou't see
what you cau see to admire in a girl of
that stripe." Jack "It isn't her stripe,
but her father's check thut attracts
mo." Chicago News.
"Is your Bister at home, Willie?'
asked Willie's sister's young man.
"No; I heard her say she was engaged
this afternoon but don't be fright
ened; 1 don't think it's a marrying en
gagement." Harper's Pazar.
Dollie "I wonder why Love is
represented always with wings?"
Mollio "They are for him to use in
flying ont of the window when Poverty
comes iu at the door. Don't you kuow
that much?" Cincinnati Enquirer,
Old Lady "Didn't I tell you never
to come here uguiu?" I'p-to-Date
Tramp "I hope you will pardon me,
niuduin, but it's the fault of my secre
tury; he bus neglected to strike your
name from my visiting list." Tit
Bits. Professor Kuowull "Miss Vernon,
what would you say if I were to toll
you that vanity is but the looking
glass that reflects imaginary virtues
und conceals reul faults?" Miss Vernon
(simply) "I should say you ought to
know." Brooklyn Life.
Mistress "Your ntiino is Maginuis,
you say. Butwhut is your first uuuie?"
Maid "Mem?" Mistress "Whut is
your first mime? Mary, Bridget "
Maid "It's me second name ye' J be
after. Tb- is Mary. I wus a Ma
ginhi.. I was u Mary, dou't ye
moindV" ilohton Ti'unserip.
Ethel "O Clarence! Do you reully
mean what you say that you will do
unything I ask of you?" Clarence
Sophomore "Darling! you have beard
me sweur it." Ethel "Then, dear
est, please, please got yourself up
pointed centre rush on the Yale foot
bull team next your." Puck.
Mr. Holme (third day out "Vera,
I've heard it suid that if you will lie
down with your head a little lower
than your feet you will not suffer from
seasickness." Mrs. Vera Selldoiu
Holme (in despair) Henry, my feet
have been higher thau my head every
minute of the time since we cairn
aboard!" Chicago Tribune.