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The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, May 25, 1898, Image 1

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Tiie i-orest Republican
la published every Wedaoaday, by
J. E. WENK.
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ILM STREET, TIOXEST1, Vk.
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For
EPUBLICAN.
VOL. XXXI. NO. 0. TIONESTA. PA., WEDNESDAY, MAY 25, 1898. S1.00 PEK ANNUM,
R
est
A number of towns in Eastern Penn
sylvania are tnruing from the iron in
dustry, where th.ire is too much com
petition, to the revival of older trades.
The cultivation of the silk worm is
one of the industries which is reviv
ing as a result.
' Caviare is being exported in large
quantities from this country, and,
curiously enough, it is going to Ger
many ami Russia, the home of caviare.
A strange thing about it is that it has
to be salted with 09rm.au salt, becauso
It is said that the American salt is not
Rood for tho purpose.
On some of tha half-penny omni
buses which run nero-s the bridges of
London to,tho tinuiwny lines thepiok
pockot is now seriously hampered in
his business. The outside seats, or
garden chairs, as they firo sometimes
called, aro backed with wire netting,
and tho pockets of tho women passen
gers are now inaccessible from aback
seat. '
A test Ins lately beeu inado in cer
aia schools of Utiea, N. Y., to ascer
tain whether or not tho old idea con
cerning tale-telliug prevailed with tho
rising generation. Notes being taken
on the subject, it was found that
thirty-eight por cent, of the boys and
twenty-fivo per cent, of the girls con
sidered it right to "tell," leaving the
larger proportion of tho opinion that
it was wrong.
Tho Hartford Courant observes:
Texas law now disqualifies perpetually
any sheriff, deputy, constable, police
man or jailor who permits a prisoner
to be taken out of his custody by
mob. During a recent visit to Atlanta
Univeriity (his almn mater), tho Hon.
Robert L. Smith, of Oakland, Texas,
told tho students that there hasn't
been a lynching in the State siuce this
law was put on its statute book.
Tbo influence of various occupa
tions upon health and longevity is tho
subject of au interesting investigation
just completed by an officer of tho
registrar-general's department of the
British Government. A vast collec
tion of figures, comparative tobies,
eto., has just been irsued as a pnblie
document, and some of the deductions
from them are instructive and of in
terest. First and foremost comes
overwhelming proof that work or oc
cupation of some sort is the greatest
promoter of longevity. It is almost
alono in England of all civilizod ooun
tries that this fact can be brought out
clearly in publio statistics, for it is
only in England that the leisure class
so called, is sufficiently large for the
comparison to be made.
"An officer who permits himself to
be insulted by a civilian without im
mediately killing him will be dis
missed," is the unwritten law of tho
German Army. If the "insulter" be
longs to the olass of those who fight
duels he must bo challenged; if not,
he must be finished off at once. A
case in point occurred at Augsburg
recently, relates the New York Sun,
An offioer in private clothes was strnok
by a clerk. The soldier, who had a
revolver in his pocket, did not use it,
but took action against the other in a
law court. His assailant was con
demned to twelve days' imprisonment.
But the matter did not rest there, for
the Regimental . Officers' Court of
Honor assembled and compelled the
officer to resign because he had not
adequately upheld the dignity of his
rank. In other words he had not com
mitted murder.
Tho annual report of the Commis
eioner of Patents, recently laid before
Congress, shows that not less than 23,
729 patents were granted to American
inventors during the past year. In
proportion to population, Connecticut
heads the list of States contributing
to swell the number of patents granted
to successful applicants. In Connec
ticut one patent'was granted to every
780 inhabitants. Next in order ranks
Massachusetts, the District of Colum
bia, New Jersey and New York.
There is no country on the globe
which surpasses the United States in
the genius of invention. This is man
ifest from the countless devices on
file in the patent office in Washing
ton. Most of the patents issued dur
ing the post year by tho United States
Government were awarded to electri
cians. This is due to the fact that the
study of electricity has, for the time
being, overshadowed other investiga
tions; and in all probability whal is
true of the patents issued during the
post year will be true of the patents
issued for some time to come. When
American ingenuity is exhausted
there will be no moro patents isbued
either on this or the other sido of the
water, and what the future holds in
store for us in tho way of patents can
only be conjectured.
OUR WEALTH.
How poor I ami cries one whose hold
la scant ot gold.
And whose aole share ot earth's supply
That gold must Duy.
And even he, the millionaire.
Has naught to spare,
But must onend much and struggle bravs
Toe rest 19 save;
To tence and wall and guard his pile,
Fearing the whilo
Lest, in the safest place where he can set It,
Dome one wm get ui
A SUKB
Ujr SUSAN AHCHEH WEISS
R.SAM PERROT,
returning from
his day's busi
ness, ascended
his front steps
with the air of a
man who had
nothing particu
larly pleasant to
expect within. He
ft OK vJI notioeJ that th
fle A porch, one so
neatly kept, was
now tracked with muddy footprints;
that the rose-bushes on eaoh side were
nnpruned, and that his two children,
playing bareheaded in the garden, had
a negleoted and forlorn appearance.
He wiped his feet carefully, and cross
ing the entry, opened the door of a
room, where sat Mrs. Perrot, wrapped
in o shawl, and mixing something in
a tea-cup.
"Well, Martha," said he, as ho hung
np his hat, "how do you feel this
evening?"
"No better than usual," responded
Mrs. Perrot, with a sigh, as she tasted
her mixture, and added a few drops
from a vial.
"Maybe you'd feel better if you'd
move about a little?" suggested her
husband, mildly.
"I haven't the strength. I seem to
be growing weaker and weaker every
day. It's doubtful whether I'll ever
step foot out of this house again. Tlie
roses and lilies of spring will bloom
above my grave," said Mrs. Perrot,
resignedly.
"Nonsonse, Marthy! Roses and
lilies don't bloom iu spring auy more
than you are laid out to die in spring."
Mrs. Perrot assumed a martyr-like
air.
"This is nil the sympathy I get
from my own husband," she murmured
"a poor, weak, suffering woman like
me!"
"If you're as bad as all that," said
her husband, "why don't you let me
send for a doctor?"
"Because I don't believe in doc
tors, nor in doctors' stuff. Mrs. Mas
Bey is the only one who does me any
good."
"Mrs. Massey be bothered! I wish
you'd never have set eyes on that
meddlesome womau."
"She's a very clever woman, and
very kind to me. She oomes over to
see me every duy, and sometimes twice
a day."
"She does, does she? Well, I think
she would do a great deal better to
stay at home, and attend to her own
affairs," said Terrot, ungratefully.
"She always brings me something
that will do me good vegetable, pills,
and tonics "
"Poisons!" muttered Perrot.
"The same that she gave hor own
husband and child!" asserted Mrs.
Perrot, indignantly.
"No wonder they died." .
"Samuel," said his wife, solemnly,
"you will repent of this when I am
dead and gone. If you have no sym
pathy for my sufferings, you might at
least nave respect enough lor my feel
ings not to abuse my best friends,"
And here Mrs. Perrot felt in her
pocket for her handkerchief.
Perrot rose softly, and, with a sub
dued aud dejected look, went into
another room.
were was a rosy, comely young
woman, busied in preparing tea.
mis was iiis niece, just, arrived on a
visit.
"Well, Lavinia," said the master of
the house, as ho todk his seat at table
and stirred his tea "what do you
think of her? I
Lavinia expressively shrugged her
plump shoulders.
"She's just as you wrote me she was
weak and complainiug, and taking
physio all the time.
"And what do you think ails her?"
inquired rervot, anxionsly.
"Imagination," replied- Lavinia,
promptly "imagination and dyspep
sia." "NothiDg else?"
"Nothing in the world, nnless it's
Mrs.' Massey 's medicines."
Perrot nodded his head, emphati
colly, about a dozen times.
"Can you think of any way to cure
her, vinnie r' he inquired, leaning for
ward and speaking in a low tone.
Lavinia's foco immediately assumed
a peculiar expression.
"Well, Uncle Samuel, I hove been
thinking about it, and I'm of opinion
that there's only ono thing will do her
any good. I'll warrant it for a sure
cure."
"What is it, Vinnie?"
"Eat your supuer now, uncle, and
when you've done, and the children
gone to bed, and Aunt Martha's drink
ing Mrs. Massey's sassafras-tea for
purifying the blood, I'll tell you abont
my medicine.
"Lavinia!" called a feeble voice from
the adjoining room. "Haven't you
got a window . raised there? This
draught is killing me!"
Aud there followed a cough.
That." said Mr. Perrot. with
Kt at
Bow rich we are! we all ahull cry
When by and by
The wide world's wealth lies lu the sun
For every one!
Finding that what we most would own
No man alone
Can use: all, using, leave tho store
Enriched the moret
'The earth our garden, sea to aoa
Pleasure-ground free!
All man's glad fruit ot varlod powers
uponly ours!
Charlotte Perkins Stetson.
CURE.
solemn and dejected air "that is the
woman who, a year ago, was the picture
of health, and never minded going to
market in rain or snow. Nobody's
home was kept nicer than ours, no
body s children so bright and tidy;
and now
Ho paused and shook his head slow
ly and despondently.
Lavinia patted his shoulder, as she
passed behind him to take a pie out of
the oven.
"Never mind, Uncle Samuel. Jupt
wait awhile, and see what my medicine
will do. She 11 be the same woman in
one month from now that she used
to be."
"If you'll do that, Vinnie," said Per
rot, earnestly, "I'll make you a pres
eut of your wedding-dress, and some
thing handsome into the bargain."
And Vinnie, her comely faco flush'
ing as she drew out the pie, smiled,
ana remarked that the oven was very
hot.
That evening, after supper, she and
her unole had a long talk together.
Next day was Sunday a day, bright
and warm as June.
"Marthy," said Perrot, "wouldn't
you like to step to the ohuroh round
the corner? It's only a little way, and
the fresh air and sunshine would do
you good."
"If had I the strougth," said Mrs,
Perrot, plaintively, "and wasn't si
liable to catch cold. Mrs. Massey
thinks my lungs are threatened."
"Does she?. Well, I'm sorry to hear
it, said JPerrot, with an air of con
cern. "Perhaps you'd as well stay in
by the fire, and take care of yourself
though I do feel rather lonesome
going to 1 church every Sunday by
myself, and the children don't behave
near so well without you to look after
them."
"Poor things!" said the invalid,
with a sigh, "they may too soon know
what it is to need a 'mother's care. I do
hope, Samuel, that yon will give them
one who will be good aud kind to
them, though nobody can ever fill the
plaee of a real mother."
Why, yes, Marthy. You must
know that I would never think of
choosing any but a good woman to
fill your place in the family," re
plied Perrot, meekly.
His wife glanced up sharply, but he
was slowly stroking his chin and star
ing at the ceiling.
Mrs. Perrot read her Bible and
hymn-book by the fire while Lavinia,
who stayed at home to attend to the
dinner, peeped through the blinds at
the people returning from ohuroh.
"How many more women there are
than men I" she observed. "And
there comes Uncle Samuel. How
well he looks! don't seem to have
grown any older than he used to be,
Why, Aunt Martha, who's that lady
he s walking with?"
"Old Mrs. Badger, is it?" said Mrs
Perrot, looking up from her book.
"Oh no nothing like her. She's
rather young and handsome."
Mrs. Perrot fonnd strength enough
to walk to the window.
"Why, it's that Widow Vaughan,
who's on a visit to the Browns, oppo
site. . How could he hove pioked her
up?"
"Maybe she picked him up," sug
gested Lavinia, knowingly. "I've
always heard that yonng widows are
ready to have any man wait on them,
married or single."
V'She looks pert enough," said Mrs,
Perrot, disparagingly.
Her husband camo in presently,
looking pleased and cheerful.
H"I wish you'd have gone to-church,
Marthy. We had a good sermon, and
its a delightful day for walking."
"How did you pick up that frisky
Widow Vaughan?" inquired Mrs.
Perrot, abruptly.
"Well I happened to come ont of
church at the same time with the
Browns, and they suid something
about the sermon, aud somehow Mrs,
Vaughan and me dropped behind.
She s a very nue woman, and an
agreeable talker."
"Chatters away all the time like
poll-parrot. Never gives anybody
a chance to say anything."
"She asked about you and was very
sorry when I told her how bad you
were. Hue offered to look after idlen
and Tommy at church, and keep them
quiet.
"She did, did she? I'd like to see
the womau that I d let meddlo with
my children!" said Mrs. Perrot, in
dignantly.
In her excitement she forgot to tako
her medicine an omission which she
only discovered next morning, and
was surprised that she had not suffered
from it.
"I wouldn't take it to-day either,
Aunt Martha, if I were you," said
Lavinia. "Neither the sassafras tea,
which, if it does purify the blood, im
poverishes it, too, and makes you thin
and pale. I've heard Dootor Graves
soy so. Why, only a year ago you
were as plump and rosy as as Mrs.
Vaughan. for instance aud. now you
look ten years older. I remember how
Undo Samuel used to admire you. He
likes fullness and color."
"I'm considering my health, and not
my good looks, as you ought to know,
Lavinia!" replied Mrs. Perrot, icily.
But Lavinia noticed that she took
only two draughts of sassafras tea that
day, and on the third the yellow pitcher
which had generally stood steaming by
the fire, silently disappeared, and was
no more seen or heard of.
"The chrysantheums in the front
yard" Mr. Perrot never could re
member to say "chrysanthemum
aro looking really splendid; but they
won't staud the first frost. Hadn't
you better send some of 'em around
to your friends, Marthy? Mrs.
Vaughau, I know, would like some.
They're her favorito flowers."
"How do you know that? inquired
his wife, sharply.
"Ob, she happened to mention it in
the store to-day."
"What was she doing in your store?
"Way, she merely stepped in with
Mrs. Brown, who wanted sugar; and
while Greener was showing her the
grades, Mrs. Vaughan sat waiting by
the counter. I had brought in a bunch
of the flowers, and had em in a glass
on a shelf, aud she noticed 'em. So I
thought I'd send her some," said Per
rot, innocently.
His wile looked very hard at him.
"Do von want to moke a fool of
yonrsolf.Samuel Perrot?" she inquired.
"How does it look to see a married
man a man with a sick wife, who
mayn't have three months to live
chatting ovei counters with a' frisky
widow, and sending her flowers and
things?"
"Why, Marthy, of course I don't
mean any harm by it! Goodness
knows," he added, with a sigh, "that
I've no comfort in the prospect of be
ing left a widowerl And what are the
poor children to do without a mother?
Mrs. Vaughan seems to feel for ns
already; for she's always iuquiriug
abont your health."
"Well, she needn't!" responded Mrs.
Perrot, her sallow face flushing, "and
I think, Samuel, that you might have
better sense, if not better feeling, than
to go around chatting with other wo
men about your wife dying. One
would think that you were anxious to
get me out of the way!" she added, re
proachfully. "Now, Marthy, yon ought not to
talk so. You know how grieved I'd
be to lose you. And if I married
again for the children's sokes, I mean
I'd look out fcr somebody as near
like you as could be found."
"Married again!" exclaimed Mrs.
Perrot, with iudignant emphasis.
"For the children's sake, you
know," repeated her husband, sheep
ishly scratching his head.
"And you can sit here and talk
about giving my darling children a
stepmother?" said Mrs. Perrot, in a
deeply-injured tone. "Samuel, Sam
uel! when I married you I littlo
thought 'twould come to this!"
Perrot, as he always did when he
saw that a squall was brewing, took
his hot, and while his wife's faco was
buried in her haudkei chief he silently
vanished from the room..
"I wouldn't mind it, Aunt Martha,"
said Lavinia, consolingly. "You
know he loves you better than any
thing else in the world; but it's natural
he should sometimes look forward to
the future. And Mrs. Massey has told
everybody that you don't expect to
live beyond this winter, and you see,
folks pity him; and Mrs. Vaughan be
ing a widow herself, can feel what he
would suffer."
"I never said I expected to die this
winter 1" said Mrs. Perrot, defiantly.
"I've felt better the last few days
than I hove for weeks. People
needn't be digging my grave before
hand, and meddling with my husband
and children. And I'd thank Mrs.
Massey not to be raising false reports
about me!"
She was rather cool to Mrs. Massey
when that lady (a next-door neighbor)
paid the usual daily visit. She even
told the woman that she had not taken
the sassafras tea and liver pills since
Monday, and that she felt better than
for a long time past.
Mrs. Massey was offended, and did
not repeat her visit for some days.
"I think I'll just step on the front
porch for awhile, as the sun is so
warm to-day," Mrs. Perrot observed,
as she looked from her window.
Mrs. Vaughan was sitting at the op
posite window, sewing, but Mrs. Per
rot never looked that way. Wrapped
in a shawl, and aocompanied by La
vinia and the rejoicing children, she
walked out upon the porch, noticed
the rose-bushes, and arranged a strag
gling branch, spoke to a passing ac
quaintance, who stopped to congratu
late her on "being about again;" and
finally returned to her room, declaring
that she felt rather refreshed by the
change.
Perrot silently rnbbed his bands,
and exchanged a glauce with Lavinia,
who merely remarked that she hoped
her aunt wouldn't be imprudent, and
take a cold that might settle on her
lungs.
"My lungs are as good as they ever
were," declared Mrs. Perrot. "I
never said nor thought that anything
was the matter with them; and I
think," she presently added, "that
the fresh air must have done me good,
for I feel as though I could eat a bit
of broiled steak for dinner."
She ate the steak with a relish, and
even drank a gloss of ale which her
husband brought for her. Thence
forth the toast and tea, and boilod
eggs, and arrow root jolly, upon which
she had for some time subsisted, dis
appeared from the bill of fore, as the
sassafras tea had done.
"I wonder whot pa and that pretty
lady at Mr. Brown's are talking
about?" remarked Tommy Perrot,
with his elbows on the window-seat.
His mother stretched her neck to
look out, aud then rose from her chair
and watched her husband and Mrs.
Vaughan, through the blinds. They
were standing at Mr. Brown's gate,
and the coquettish widow was criti
cally surveying the Perrot mansion,
and pointing ont something to her
companion. The interview was a
rather prolonged one, and Perrot,
when he came in to supper, looked re
markably pleased and cheerful.
"What on earth could you and that
woman have to . say to each other?"
was the wife's inquiry, as he drew np
to the fire, rubbing his hands and
running his fingers through his hair.
"She was remarking about the
house. She thought it badly planned."
"I should like to know what she has
to do with the house. It being badly
built is 110 concern of hers."
"Why, sho was only saying that il
she lived here she would have a room
added on tho west side, and one 01
two little alterations made. I thought
her suggestions were very sensible;
ond, in fact, very nearly what I've
heard you express. You don't like
the house, yon know, Marthy."
Whatever Mrs. Terrors feelings
may hove beeu, she rosolutely sup
pressed them. But on the following
day (Sunday) she surprised the family
by announcing her intention of ao
coinpanyiug them to church.
"Ain't it rather a risk, Marthy?"
her husband doubtfully suggested,
while he at the same time exultantly
rubbed his hnniU behiud his back.
"If it's on ncconutof tho children, my
dear, don't worry yourself. They've
taken a fancy to Mrs. Vaughan, and
she keeps 'em very quiet, now, by
merely nodding and smiling at 'em
when they're restless. I never saw
such a woman for managing chil
dren." "Mrs. Vaughau had better attend
to her own affairs, and keep her nod
and smiles to herself!" said Mrs. Per
rot, indignantly. "And as for you,
Mr. Perrot, I'm surprised nt you!"
Perrot meekly put on his Sunday
hat, and went on the porch to wait
for his wife.
"Yonr medicine's doing wonders,
Vinnie." he remarked, in a whisper,
as he passed his liiooe iu the passage.
And sho gave a shrewd little nod as
she replied:
"Iknew it would, unole!"
Mrs. Perrot went to church, aud e
ceived tho congratulations of all her
acquaintances on hor improvement in
health and looks.
Only Mrs. Massey was rather cool,
and was heard to remark to a group
of friends:
' 'I brought Martha Perrot out of a
deoline that would have carried her
off in a few months, and yet she don't
feel a bit grateful."
But Vinnie ond her uncle knew how
it really was.
As they reached their own gate,
Mrs. Vaughan crossed over and shook
hands with Mrs. Perrot, and told her
how glad she was to see her out
again, and looking so strong and well.
"That's the most deceitful womau I
ever knew," remarked Mrs. Perrot, as
she removed her bonnet, and took
Ellen on her lap to chauge her dress
a thing sho had not done for
months.
"Why, no, Marthy, I don't think
she is. She's a nice, good woman,
and will make a lino wifo for Tom
Wheatly."
"For whom?"
"Why, didn't youjknow she was to
marry Brown's cousin, Wheatly? And
they want to buy this house; aud as
Brown means to move to the other end
of the town for convenience to busi
ness, I've thought of taking his house,
which you always had a fancy to.
How would you like that arrange
ment?" Mrs. Terrot replied, in a subdued
tone, that she "would think of it."
She was very thoughtful all that
day, and particularly gentlo and affec
tionate to her family.
"I'm afraid I've been a great
trouble and vexation to you. Samuel,"
she said, that evening. "I wonder
you could have borne it at all with
such pationoe!"
And Terrot replied, earnestly;
"My only trouble was about you,
Marthy; and now that you aro getting
to be yourself again, I feel as if I had
nothing more to wish for.
Mrs. Perrot was quite strong, and
plump, aud blooming, when she went
with her husband to Laviuiu's wed
ding. They carried with them tho prom
ised wedding dress, but it is doubtful
whether Mrs. Perrot knows to this
day how it was won. Saturday Night.
Manufactured Nests For 11m.
Men engaged in the work of fish
breeding have noticed that black bass
often had trouble with their nests.
Sometimes they could not find enough
suitable material on tho bottom to
build them as they wished," and at
other times the storms or currents
would destroy them after the bass harf
spawned, thus causing the loss of all
the eggs.
It is extremely difficult to propagate
black bass artificially, and this led the
breeders to supply artificial nests for
the use of the bass. They nre ma le
of eartheuware and have a little gravel
cemented in tho bottom. The fish
have taken kindly to them and lay
their eggs cheerfully in the factory
made nests. New York Press.
Kxpenftlve Apui tiiiuiitK.
gAlbortof Flauders has left. Tho
royal suite which tho Princo occupied
at the Waldorf-Astoria is tho most ex
pensive set of apartments in the groat
hostelry. They have been occupied
only three times;, once by a Philadel
phia magnate, by Mr. McKinley for a
few minutes aud by the Trince. What
the Prince's bill was would not be
divulged by the olerks. Those familiar
with the run of prices said it did not
run much below $(100 for the first two
days' stay, and about that much more
this trip. But what's the odds, so
long as the Belgian taxpayers meekly
chip in? New York telegram to the
Pittsburr Disuatch.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
Get I'p anil Scratch III. Tact Saved the
Day Trne Hn.lneu Hacarttj Absent
Minded Anil the Fastest, Too (living
Away a Family Secret All a Loan, Ktc.
Said one little ohlck, with a funny littlo
squirm,
"I wish f could find a nice, fat worm."
Said another littlo chicken, with a queer
little shrug,
"I wish I could llud a nice, fat bug."
Bald a third little chick, with a at ran go lit
tle squeal,
"I wish I could (lnd some nice, yellow
meal."
"Now, look here," said the mother, from
the green garden patch, ,
"If you want any breakfast, you must get
up and scratch."
True.
Watts "It takes travol to bring
out what there is in a man."
Potts "Especially sea travel."
Indianapolis Journa'.
Ui Tart Saved the Day.
"Oh," she said, "your conduct is
enough to multe ou angel weep!"
"I don't see you shedding any
tears," he retorted. Tit-Bits.
And the Fastest, Too.
"I wonder how I can make my
money go the farthest."
"Have you ever bought a conversa
tion over the long-distanco telephone?"
Detroit Free Press..
Business 'Sngitrlty.
"I offered that lady $500 for her in
terest in the property and she refused
to consider the proposition."
"I offered her $499.99 and sho
jumped at it." Detroit Free Press.
- Absent-Minded.
"I guess," said the very studious
man's wife, "that I will buy a new
pair of bicycle stockings."
"Really!" he exclaimed, as he raised
his head for a moment from his work ;
"I didn't know that bicycles wore
stockings!" Washington Star.
Giving Away a Family Secret.
Teacher (of juvenile class) "In the
sentenco 'It is greatly to his credit,
what is the meaning of the word
'credit?' "
Member of Class "It's something
you've got to have when you want to
buy a pound of butter at the store."
What She Call. II Im.
"All wives have pet names for tlicL
husbands," remarked Mr. Dinwiddio
to Mr. Beochwood. "My wife call
me 'Baby.' What does your wife call
you?"
"My wife calls me down generally,"
replied Mr. Beech wood. Pittsburg
Chronicle-Telegraph.
A Long Story.
Ned "If yon want to marry an
heiress, why don't you propose to
Miss Elderly? She's rich."
Ted "Yes; but 1 object to her
past." "
Ned "Why, I thought that was
above reproacli. "
Ted "It is; but thore's so much
of it." Brooklyn Life.
F.tliel Knew.
Mr. Green "Now, I'm going to
tell you something, Ethel. Do you
know that last night at your party
your sister promised to marry me? I
hope you'll forgive me for taking her
away."
Ethel "Forgivo you, Mr. Green!
Of course I will. Why, that's what
the party was for!" Punch.
All a Loan.
"Pretty touchy sort of chap, that
Groudison."
"Is he? I thought ho was the mild
est man in the world?"
"So he is, but he's always trying to
borrow."
For the ever expanding uses of our
noble tongue give opportunity for mis
takes of this sort. Buffalo Enquirer.
At the (Julck Lunch Itoom.
Proprietor "Don't you want some
of this pepsin gum? Best thing in tho
world for indigostion."
Newcomer "But I never have in
digestion." Proprietor "That makes no differ
once. Yon will hove it in a few days.
'T any rate, oil our customers have it,
and we sell lots of this gum." Bos
ton Transcript.
A Heartless Oirl.
"Miss Renfrew Alice," he cried.
"I must speak. For a week I have
walked about as one dazed. I have
boen uuablo to eat. At night I have
tossed upon my bed, to arise, haggard
and miserable, in the morning. I"
"Oh," the fair girl interrupted, "I
know what is the matter with you.
Go and play croquet or golf. You
need exercise." Chicago News.
Too Analytical.
"I must confess," remarked Miss
Cayenne, "that I do not like to be ad
dressed in poeticul language."
"I am sorry that I ever made the
attempt," replied Willie Washington.
"I hope I have not offended."
"No. But since yon said I had a
sholl like ear I have never been cer
tain that you mightn't have had a sad-dlo-rock
iu mind." Washington Star.
Not F.nactly Siiballtulr.
In tho course of a morning call ou
the Rev. Dr. Fourthly the Rev. Dr.
Sprightly remarked:
"By the way, doctor, I conducted a
funeral for you once. Would it be con
venient for yon to do a wedding for
me next Thursday?"
"Yes," replied the other. "You are
compelled to leave town that day, I
prosume?"
"I am," rejoined Dr. Sprightly,
"but not till after the wedding. I I
am to be the bridegroom." Chicago
Tribune,
LOVE'S BELIEF.
Dear heart, nnd truest, if I die
Bofore you do, and over me
The clover blossoms woo tho bee.
And little violets sweet as shy,
Peer through the grass above my face
To meet your eyea when you come neat
Lean down and listen. You will bear
A whisper stlrriug la the place.
And in that whisper you will know
Tho voice you loved to hear of old
Telling the love no words have told.
And as your footstops come and go
About your tasks, the whole day through
Love's message, whispered by the flowers
Will fill with gladness nil the hours,
For you will know I think of you.
For well f know that love will thrill
Tills frame of mine it I were dead,
Aud you came near my grave and said,
"Dear heart, do you romeaoDor s"1""
And when I felt the subtle stir
Ot love that dies not, I would make
You conscious of the truth and take
Tho flowers for my interpreter.
Eben E. Rexford, la Vick's Magazine.
HUMOR OFTHE DAY.
New Wife "Have you tried mj
biscuits, dear." New Husband
"Yes; they're guilty." Detroit Fre
Press.
"Tho only tronblo with my profes
sion," said au ex-convict, "is that it if
apt to be rather a confining one."
Harper's Bazar.
Friend "But if there's no hope ol
saving bim, what are you going to per
form tho operation for?" Doclor
"$300." Standard.
Hope never deserts a man. When
he is young he hopes to be famous,
and when he is old he hopes to escape
the poor-house. Puck.
Mrs. Brown (after shopping) "Mrs.
Smith manages to get such bargains
and so many of them!" Brown "Oh,
well, I suppose money is no object
with her." Puck.
Papa "Why, no! I haven't any
hard feelings toward any of my old
school teachers." George "What a
long time it must be, papa, since you
went to school!" Puok.
Briggs "Whot did she say when
she rejected you?" Griggs "She
said it wasn't necessarily duo to lack
of merit, but on account of the great
pressure of other material." Life.
"Have you heard of that scheme of
an Ohio mau? He wants the United
States war vessels made of rubber."
"It wouldn't work. You could blow
up a rubber ship with an air pump."
Chicago Tribune.
Bing "Yes, that's old Spriggings.
Half a doctors have given him up at
various times during his life." Wing
"What was the trouble with him?"
Bing "He wouldn't pay his bills."
Boston Traveler.
"We English," said the intelligent
foreigner, "do not run for office; we
stand for it." "And here," said the
bright American, "the man runs for
office if the people will stand for it."
Indianapolis Journal.
Mrs. Higgins "What wretched
taste that Mrs. Wilkes has!" Mr.
Higgins "Yes, I met her downstairs
this afternoon and sho was wearing
that ugly old $25 hat you thought you
wanted." Chicago News.
Mr. Millyuns (briskly) ''Wont my
daughter, oh? Well, how much are
yon worth? Money talks, you know."
Bob Hardup (cheerfully) "Yes; I
know; but I'd be willing to let her do
most of the talking." Puck.
Burglar Bill (to his coil-mote) "So
you're a musician, are ye, an' got sent
here for stoitlin' a pianny? Well, ye
won't do much musical practioin' in
dis place, I'll bet." Newcomer "Oh,
I don't know. If I get hold of a file
I'll probably try a few bars." Judge.
"She is very frigid in her manner,"
remarked Willie Washington. "Per
haps," was the reply, "but she has a
heart of gold." "So I have been in
formed. But I am tired of trying to
cross a conversational Chilkoot Pass
in order to reoch it." Washington
Star.
"There is no doubt of this man's
being an experienced and conservative
journalist," remarked the city editor.
"How do you know?" "In writingof
a fire he says, 'The holocaust, when
the rafters fell with dull, sickening
thuds,beggared description. ' " Wash
ington Star.
"When this town was orgnnized."
said tho early settler of the little wes
tern town, "I was elected mayor by a
majority of only one vote." "Protty
close shave," said tho newcomer.
"Oh, tollable. But there was only
five votes in the town then." -Cincinnati
Enquirer.
"I wish," said the young man, "that
you would be less formal, and call me
by my first name." "I'd rather not,"
replied his fair companion, "yonr last
name suits me." A few minutes later
thoy were discussing tho merits of the
different firms that supply furniture
upon the installment plan. Philadel
phia Bulletin.
Miss Oldgold "Before I give yon
my answer, count, toll me one thing.
Whon my freshness of youth is gone
and the hand of time has dimmed what
ever beauty I possessed, when advanc
ing years cause my cheeks to fade and
my charms to vauish tell me, couut,
will you love mo then?" The Count
"I do." Standard.
"Clara," said the mother of a littl."
five-year-old miss, who was entertain
ing a couple of neighboring girls oj
her own age, "why don't you ploy
souiothiug instead of sitting still and
looking miserable?" "Why, mamma,
we is ployiu," was tho reply; "we
plnyin' thut we's grown-up womens."
Montreal Herald.
Rotnrned Tourist "By the way,
Mrs. De Bonuti, I have not seen youi
charming daughter since my return.
When I left she hod determined to
submitter first novel to the Heighton
Magazine Has she been successful
in her literary aspirations?" Mrs. De
Beauti "She married the editor."
New York Weekly.

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