OCR Interpretation


The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, June 01, 1898, Image 1

Image and text provided by Penn State University Libraries; University Park, PA

Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn84026497/1898-06-01/ed-1/seq-1/

What is OCR?


Thumbnail for

'iiie Forest Republican
U published titty Wednesday, by
J. E. WENK.
Offlct la Smearbaagh & Co.'i Bulldinf
(. ILM BTBEKT, TIONESTi, tk.
Term. - dl.OOPef Year.
Ho ubaertptloas received (or hotter
period than throe months.
Correspondence solicits! from all parts of
lha country. Mo noiloe will be taken of
anonymous ootnmuaioatloas.
RATES OF ADVERTl..
ORE
One Squire, one inch, on iiuertion.,1 1 00
EPUBLICAN.
One Square, one inch, one month. ., too
One Square, one inch, turee months. . a 00
One Square, one inch, oue year..... 10 00
1 wo Squares, one year.... 13UI
Quarter Column, one year.. . St 00
Half Column, one year... ... .. SOW)
One Column, one year.. , 100 (JO
Legal advertisement ten cent par line
each insertion.
Marriages and detth notlcei gratis.
All bills lor yearly advertisement collected
quarterly Temporary advertisements must
be paid in advanoe.
Job work cash on deliver.
VOL. XXXI. NO. 7. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY. JUNE 1, 1898. S1.00 PER ANNUM,
R
ST
Tho Attorney-General of Colorado
Las decided that no law in that State
requires a woman upon marriage to as
sume her husband's name; indeed, he
thinks that, in visw of the advent of
women as office-holders, it is prefera
ble, tinder certain circumstances, for
a married woma i to hold on to her
maiden name.
Travel on tho Bulwayo Railroad is
exciting. The Slnshi River recently
rose four feet above the bridge tracks,
ho that engine:! onuld not cross. A
train was male up as long as the
width of tho river, pushed aoross by
ono engine, and taken up on the other
side by another. Soon after the
bridge was washed away.
The salaries of Governors of Terri
tories are not regulated by the impor
tance of the latter in respect to pop
ulation or tho public revenues. The
Governor of Ariz jua resoives $3500 u
year. The population of that Terri
tory was 59,00.) by tho last Federal
census. The Governor of New Mex
ico, the population of which was in
excess of 150,000, gets $3600. The
Governor of Alaska receives $3000.
The Governor of Indian Territory
gets $1500, while the Governor of Ok
lahoma (which was taken from tho In
dian Territory), gets 82000.
A woman in Taris lias conferred
a boon on humanity in the discovery
of a new aciecoe called "Linguistol
ogio." This is nothing more thau the
delineation of character from the
shape of the tongue. A. big tongue
indicates frankness, a long tongue,
generous feeliugs; a short one, dis
simulation; a narrow tongue, concen
tration of ideas. Long and broad
tongues indicate fondness for tilk;
short ad broad ones, equal capacity
to talk but not to speak the truth;
while those that are short and narrow
show an unmistakable tendency to
Macbiovellmu lying.
' Young womeu who assume tho title
of bachelor aro considered especially
modern. Yet the term was applied
customarily to them in the time of
"rare Ben Jonson." The poet him
self so used it iu his plays. Bachelor
is derived from the Welsh word bach,
which means small, little, yonng.
The kindred Welsh word baohes
means a pretty little woman. There
fore the brisk bachelor maids of to
day do not ape their brothers, but go
. daintily tripping down the centuries
in the footprints of those fair bach
elors who coquetted with tho gallants
of the Elizabeth court.
Georgia has gone successfully into
stock-raising, and tho industry has in
creased rapidly. During the last
eight months the farmers of the south
western part of the State have shipped
65,000 head to Texas and the Indian
Territory, getting from $10 to $12 a
head for them, which is considered a
remunerative price iu comparison
with that of other farm products,
The Atlanta Constitution says that
efforts are now being made to obtain
direct communication with the mar
kets of the North and East, thus sav
ing to the Georgia farmers the profit
now gained on their shipments by the
Western cattlemen. It is said that
cattle can be fattened about as cheaply
in Georgia as in the Indian Territory.
The consolidation of New York made
no radical difference in the ratio
naturalized voters bear to the native
born, says tho Sun. Relatively, it is
true, there are fewer naturalized voters
in Kings County than in New York,
and fewer in Richmond County than
in that part of Queens which includes
Long Island City, and which was con
solidated with New York on the 1st of
January, but the differences are not
great. A clear majority of the male
inhabitants of voting age of New York
are foreign born, as tho last national
census tihowed: New York, native
whito mole 170,997, foreign white
mole 266,747; Kings, native white
male 115,192, foreign white male 117,
476; Richmond, native white male
8275, foreign white male 6802; Queens
(whole county), native white male 19,.
818, foreign whito male 16,699. One
curious result of the consolidation of
the three cities is that the present city
administration is, more largely perhaps
than any of its predecessors in recent
years, under the direction of native
born citizens, while the representa
tives of "cosmopolitan New York" are
few and fur between. Mayor Van
Wyck is a New York boy, born and
renred iu this city, and dating back
his local ancestry to 1650. Comptrol
ler Coler is a native of Champaign,
111. Borough President Peters, the
District Attorney of New York County,
Colonel Gardiner, Borough President
Grout of Brooklyn, aud tho executive
ads of departments generally we
i-boru official
MEMORIAL DAY.
The dead who fell when war was rife
Arose nnd passed, a mighty legion,
Into the mystio other life.
Tli neighboring spuoe douuu spirit
region.
lo Inaccessible it si ems.
lint those who dwell in that fair "yonder '
Build lovely airships of our dreams
And buck to enrtn Ml nigiiiume wanaer.
Full oft the;- speak to us through space.
Life is so rude we Ho not nenr tuem.
We think them In a fnroff place
Nor know we live and labor near them.
But w'len the yenr grows sweet and guy
With singing blr.ls and Moral beauties
The deud men take a holiday
And leave their heavenly homes and
duties.
They call in voices memory knows:
"Conio, drop awhile your sordid labors,
Forget the on r til and nil its woes
And llvo with us, your spirit uelglibors.
Taste the one pleasure that endures
Herenltv-aim cease irom worry.
Let thoughts of other renlms than yours
Arrest you In your ntinless uurry.
"What use Is nil this stress and strain
For lofty place or henplng measures?
Let go your thoughts of power and gain
Aud think on death and all Its pleasures.
The path you tread Is for a night.
The rond we go lends on forever.
To battle boldly for the right
Should be the whole of man's endeavor.
"And think how soon you will be dust,
Ho brief the human life at longest.
De calm, bo faithful and be just.
The patient soul Is always strongest.
And Mowers of fragrant thoughts nnd
deeds
To suffering follow mortals proffer.
The living, not the dead, man needs
The choicest gifts your heart can offer.
Let everv blossom on a tomb
But typify some kindly action
Which brightens up a life of gloom
And lends your own soul satisfaction."
Tis thus on Decoration day.
When love and memory go walking
Aloug the blooming Melds of May,
I seem to bear the dead men talking.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox.
)3COO00O00O0OO00O300O000O
fTORT Or A POLUIEH'S OIUVE.
)OOOOOOOOCOOOOCO i'OOOCOOOCO
T was Decora
tion Day, and
Miss Elizabeth
Downes found
herself in Lon
don far away
from her home
aud the graves of
her forefathers
Now, Bessie
Downes had ob
served Decora
tion Dny ever
since she was
a little toddler
in tho Boston suburb which gove her
birth. Little wonder was it that she
should have done so; for not only had
her fathor fought gallantly for the
Federal cause in the war, but no less
than four of her uncles, and whole
dozens of cousins to boot, were among
those whose names are enshrined as
defenders of the Union.
Consequently no one need feel snr
prised at learning that Bessie felt a
pang of homesickness when she awoke
iu unsympathetic London on this
particular Decoration Day. Outside
in the prim Bloomsbury street, where
she was staying with her friends the
Malcolms she heard none of the
noise and bustle which would assur
edly have greeted her in Roxbnry,
Mass. Her engagement tablets bote
no records of coming visits to ceme
tery or mausoleum, where warrior
dead repose. The simperiug maid
who brought np her coffeo had prob'
ably never even heard of Deooration
Day!
"It's a shame," said Bessie, stir
ring the coffee viciously. "General
Downes' only daughter unable to lay
even a single flower on some soldier's
crave and this Decoration Day
And surely there must be lots of
Union soldiers buried in the London
cemeteries."
This last reflection inspired her,
She pulled the bell-rope sturdily, re
calling the simpering domestic.
"I want a cablegram sent instantly
to my father General Downes' she
said. The servant did not even look
surprised. Already this quiet Blooms
bury household was growing used to
the whims of Bessie Downes, million
aire's heiress and spoiled child of for
tune. Within fifteen minutes the
message was on its way to tho nearest
office where cablegrams are received
and in five minutes more a puzzled
clerk was spelling ont these words
"General John Downes. Roxbury, Mass
Are any of my soldier cousins buried in
London?" "Bessie
Whatever General Downes may
have thought regarding this very ex
pensivo method of seeking informa
tion, lie answered promptly enougn
Before noon Bessie, received the re
ply:
"Cousin llandolnh Carroll. Kensal Greon
The patriotic Miss Downes was de
liehted. "How srood of the dear old
pater!" she cried, to amused Mrs,
Malcolm, over their early lunch
(early, because of the trip to Kensal
Green cemetery, determined on the
moment tho cablegram arrived)
"And oh, how delightful to And one
of my own kin buried here one, who
in ddition to his kinship, was a loyal
soldier of the nmon.
After lunch, tho Malcolms' carriage
took them to a florist's, where Bessie
purchased wreaths and immortelles
I for the grave of her warrior relative.
HER DECOR DAY
When Columbia Chant3 the
Then it was ho! for Kensal Green
that quiet old world, "God's Acre,"
so differeut from all of the American
burial places with which Bessie was
acqnainted. There was some difficulty
at first iu finding the grave of Ran
dolph Carroll, but Bessie's pretty face
smoothed matters wonderfully, and
the location was soon determined.
Mr. Malcolm being tired, remained in
the sexton's lodge; while that digni
fied old person escorted Bessie and
her wreaths to the tomb. Randolph
Carroll's grave was surmounted by a
very plain piece of black marble, upon
which was the inscription:
"Here lies the body of Captain Ran
dolph Lee Carroll, soldier aud gentle
man, a credit to his native country,
the United States of America."
A (treat wave of enthusiasm surged
through the impressionable being of
this little New England maid, as one
by one she took her commemorative
flowers from the sexton and laid them
around the tomb. Then she laid her
gloveless hand caressingly upon the
exiled soldier's name looking as
though she would have liked to kiss it
and silently turned away. The
tactful sexton said naught; and the
two passed slowly down the path.
Suddenly, however, Bessie remem
bered that the best of all her me
morials, the little "Stars and Stripes,"
brought all the way from New York,
still remained in her hand. Bidding
the sexton wait for her, she qnickly
retraced her Bteps to Captain Carroll's
grave.
Bnt another person had reached the
flower-bedecked marble before her,
and now stood regarding the wealth of
decorations with evident astonishment.
This was a young man good enough
to look upon, aud possessed of that
attractive litheuess which told Bessie
instantly that she was not looking at
a Briton, but at one of her own coun
trymen. He, too, carried a wreath;
bnt it was, though a charming wreatu,
a very simple and unpretentious one.
"Dear me! said Bessie, regretfully,
startling the young man, who had not
heard her coming. "Dear me! I'm
afraid that I haven't loft you an inch
of space for your flowers."
He looked at her curiously lor a
moment.
"It was you, then, that decorated
the grave?" he said.
"Yes; it was I," answered Bessie.
"You see I found myself so far away
from America; and then it was Dec
oration day."
"Decoration day?" repeated tho
young man, inquiringly.
"Yes Decoration day. Is it possi
ble you don't know what that is? And
you're an American!"
"Yes, I am certainly an American.
But I have lived for years in London,
and my memory has been blunted.
Now I remember that Decoration day
is a sort of memorial festival for dead
northern soldiers."
"Of course. And so, you see, I
drove out here to lay a few flowers on
the tomb of this gallant fellow."
A grim smile rests for a moment on
the yonng man's face.
"I fancy that you have made a mis
take," he said. "The man buried
here was not a federal soldier. Capt.
Randolph Carroll fought for the south.
Bessie gasped. Had she been show
ering her immortelles upon the grave
of a confederate one of those "Johnny
Rebs" whom her training and associa-
tious had taught her to abhor. And
THE SACRED THIRTIETH DAY
Praise3 ani Decorate3 the
this on Decoration day the special
day devoted to honoring the north and
its patriot lea:lr
"Surely!" she cried, "that cannot
be so. Why, I have my fath
er's telegram. This man this Capt.
Carroll, is our cousin. He could not
have been a rebel."
"Your cousin!" exclaimed the young
man. "Well, he may have been your
cousin ; but I can assure you that he
was my father."
Once more was Bessie staggered.
Mechauically she opened her purse
and found the crumbled telegram from
her father. Mechauically she com
pared the name there mentioned with
that on the tomb. They were identi
cal, save that the cablegram had omit
ted the captain's middle name.
At last she spoke.
"No; clearly there is no mistake.
My father mnst have misunderstood
me, or else he was anxious to play a
trick. He was always fond of practi
cal jokes, bnt I do think he has
gone too far in this case! The idea of
BESSIE PLACING THE WREATH ON CAP
TAIN cakroll's orave.
my scattering flowers on the hated
grave of a of a "
The yonng man held up a deprecat
ing hand.
"Please," he said. "Please do not
call him ill names. He was my father,
yon know."
Impulsive liessie was conquered in
a moment.
"I beg your pardon. I really do!"
she exclaimed. "It was outrageous of
me to speak so. Of course, I was al
ways brought up to hate the confed
erates." "And yet," remarked Mr. Carroll,
"there were many brave patriots and
gallant gentlemen among those con
federates. After all, you see, to tho
average southerner the confederate
causa appealed quite as strongly as did
that of tho union to yonr friends in
the north." This was all said very
quietly. Indeed, Mr. Carroll appeared
to be a decidedly quiet, but none the
less decided individual.
"Yes," asserted Bessie, anxious to
make amends, "I suppose that is true,
I never looked at it in that light be
fore. And now allow me to clear a
space, so that you can lay yonr wreath
on the marble."
She did not offer to take away her
own flowers, but deftly made room for
the wreath of the captain's son. When
he bad reverently placed it under his
father's name, he said: "I eome here
with a wreath whenever I happen to
be in London. My name is Alan Cor
roll, and you, since you are onroousin,
belong probably to my mother's peo
ple. Her name was Elizabeth
Downes." .
Bessie's blue eyes opened widely.
"Why, that in my name," she said.
OF MAY.
Graves cf Her Dead Haro33
"You must be quite a near relation."
Just then the worthy sexton of Ken
sal Greeu came stumping down the
path, bent on discovering what had
happened to delay Bessie. Ueuiud
him came the anxious chaperon, Mrs.
Malcom, who started guiltily on per
ceiving her charge in close converse
with a stranger of the opposite sex.
"My dear Bessie " she began,
severely; but Bessie interrupted in
her usual quick fashion.
"Oh, Mrs. Malcolm, what do you
thiuk? I've fonnd a cousin a real,
simon-pure cousin. Let me present
Mr. Alan Carroll. His father and
mine were on opposite sides during
the Civil War, but they were both
brave soldiers, us Mr. Carroll has
pointed out to mo, so that I think the
feud ought to be buried.
Mrs. Malcom, I fear, looked a trifle
suspicious at first over this very ex
traordinary meeting or cousins in a
cemetery. As for the sexton of Ken
sal Green, when he retired to his
lodge after seeing the party out (the
newly fonnd relative had been asked
to lunch) he varied the monotony of
counting an unusually fat fee bywink
ing expressively and mutteriug:
"Cousins! Ho, yes! Hof course!
Cousins!"
As for General Downes in far-off
Roxbury, when his daughter wrote
him nn account of her singular adven
ture, he replied:
"You acted quite rightly, my dear.
If Alan Carroll takes after his father,
he must bo a sterling fine follow, and
if there is an occasion upon which the
differences of North and South ought
to be laid aside it is on Decoration
Day."
And there are sly hints regarding
"A Coming Reunion of Blue aud
Gray" in the Boston newspapers.
A Notable Dny.
The Memorial Day procession has
come to be regarded as an annual event
equal in importance to Independence
Day. It is the only day of the year
in the civil calendar in which United
States troops regularly join with the
citizen soldiers, tho Grand Army and
others, in a celebration that is purely
that of the civilian, for the militiaman
is looked upon in the samo light as the
civilian, according to the ethics ofthe
reaular armv. Each year these pro
cessions show more clearly than all
else the fact that the ties which bind
t he north aud the south together as one
country are steadily growing stronger
and stronger. Teu years ago, to see a
man wearing the confederate gray
marching in the Memorial Day proces
sion, would have been considered al
most sacrilege. To day it is not only
notuniisnal but a welcome event to
the Grand Army posts, composed of
the very men who fought so long against
an enemy thus clothed.
The Hnrber's Observant'.
"Don't you know this is Memorial
Day?" Baid the shoo merchant, thrust
ing his head inside the door of the
barber shop. "Why don't you deco
rate a little? Where are your national
colors?"
In i-oitlv tlm bnrlier in charge of
the chair near the door merely pointed
at the gorgeous poie in irout oi ins
place of business.
Then he went on Bhaving his cus
tomer. He had crushed another grum
bler. Chicago Tribune.
I'nknown.
There's a grave on the far-off hillside,
A lonely, sunken grave,
Wlw re grow the tall rank grasses
Above tho fallen brave.
Where summer's sun smiles warmly.
Where winter's snow lies deep.
Where, o'er the unknown dreamer,
Unbidden voices weep.
There's a grave on the hill, O west wind;
Pass by with plaintive moan,
rnd low the grass above it.
And sigh "Unknown, unknown!"
Stoop down, O heavy rain-cloud.
And drop a pitying tear.
If thou dost mourn earth's chosen,
Oh, spend thy sorrow here.
There's a grave on the hill, O union;
Tass not tftat mound o'ergrown.
For thee this martyr soldier
Gives life and name. "Unknown!"
Puss not, O wife, O woman;
Btoop low, O brother, son;
Forget not. He who sleepeth
Thy homes, thy freedom, won.
There's a grave on the hill, O Father,
Thy searching voice shall yet
House up the sleeping soldier,
For Thou dost not forget.
There's a lonely grave on tho hillside,
But oh, before Thy throne.
The humble shall be honored,
The Unknown shall bo Known!
Hattie Horner Loutban.
HONORS FOR BRAVE MEN.
Memorial Day and It Beautiful tiignin
ranee.
In thirty-five out of forty-five States
of the Union May 80 is legally recog
nized as Memorial Day. Everywhere
the day is practically considered o
legal holiday, but only in the n umbel
of States mentioned is it so by law.
Most persons consider it what is
known as a natioual holiday. Sur
prising as the fact may seem, there is
no such thing as a national holiday.
There is no provision in the constitu
tion of the United States that permits
such a thing. Congress has from
time to time recognized certain spe
cial days for business purposes, bnt
not even the President's proclamation
of Thauksgiving Day makes it a legal
holiday iu any State unless the legis
lature of that State bus so signified by
legal action.
It needs no President's proclama
tion, no legislative action to make the
United States observe Memorial Day.
The descendants of the 2,778,304 sol
diers who constituted the federal
armies who fought from '61 to '65,
need no reminder to perform what
they consider a sacred duty. Tho
340,610 members of the Grand Army
of the Republic who followed tho fate
of the Stars and Stripes some of
them from Fort Sumpter to Appomat
tox do not require admonition to
honor their comrades whom wounds
or disease have taken from among
them. Thus it is that at least from
Mason and Dixon's line to the bouu
daries of the Queen's dominions, every
cemetery where a soldier lies wit
nesses the advent of flowers on the ap
pointed day.
The Memory of the Dead.
There are few influences 90 hallowed
to the living as the memory of the
dead. They mako good men better;
sometimes they make bad men good.
It is a grateful and beneficent cus
tom which has been established of de
voting one day in the year especially
to the commemoration of the virtues
of the dead. Their memory cmes to
ns. bidden or unbidden. It conies
with the morning light; it comes with
the evening shndes; it comes in the
stillness of the night. Whenever it
comes it is always welcome aud pre
cious. Indeed, one of our chief com
panionships, which Ave cultivate and
enjoy more almost th.iu any other, is
the recollection of those we have loved
and lost.
In the formel appropriation of
Memorial Day, however,' to the decor
ation of graves, there is a manifest,
outward sign of respect which is
seemly and in keeping with our ever
present feeling of affection for those
who have gone before us. Many im
prove it by carrying flowers to the
spot where their loved ones lie; all
improve it by recalling in more vivid
fancy the forraB aud qualities of the
sleepers we sigh in vain for the power
to awaken.
Civil War Victims.
According to the official figures the
Union armies lost 359,528 officers and
men by death; the returns from the
Confederate armies are incomplete,
bnt those in the Trovost Marshal Gen
eral's report show that at least 133,
832 officers and men lost their lives.
The losses iu battle were compara
tively small in the revolutionary war.
About 6000 persons all told were
killed, and the usual proportion of
those who die of wounds is about two
thirds of those killed. That would
give a total of 10,000. Then at least
11.000 prisoners died in the prison
ships; so that probably not less than
25.000 to 50,000 persons lost their
lives during and owing to the war.
The Vetenin.
Another nnd another wreath
We deck new graves ench spring,
Andsuinllergrows the gray-haired band
Whose hands the garlands bring.
Grave veterans, we follow slow
The dull beat of the drum;
There's ono brief march before us now,
And, Comrades! wo shall come
One sleep to share, and o'er each grave
The starry flag wo loved shall wavel
We inouru you not! The days seem far
Nince side by shin we fought.
And onwnrd to the meeting-place
The way Is now so shor:!
Not manv May-times shall wo hear
The summons ofthe drum;
We wait, with unforgcttiiig hearts.
Till, Comrade! we slie.ll ome
One sleep to share.whlleo'er each grave.
Thank God! the starry Hag shall wavel
Marian Douglas.
Pneumatic I'wlntiiiv.
Boats ure to be painted by machine
hereafter at a West Superior (Wis.)
shipyard. Pneumatic power is to be
utilized, a pail of paiut being at
tached to the uittchiue, which deposits
the paint in a tiue spray on the ship,
the operator merely working a sort of
nozzle, much as though he were
sprinkling a flower garden with a
watering pot.
LIFE'S MIRROR.
There are loyal hearts, there are spirits
brave,
There are souls that are pure and true!
Then give to the world the best you have
And the best will come back to you.
Give love, and love to your life will flow
A strength in your utmost need;
Have faith, and a score of hearts will show
Tholr faith In your word and ded.
Give truth, and your gifts will be paid In
kind.
And honor will honor meet;
And a smile that is sweet will surely find
A smile tunc is just as sweet!
Give pity and sorrow to those who mourn;
You will gather, in flowers nguln.
The scattered seeds from your thought
ouiuorne.
Though the sowing seemed but vain.
For life is the mirror of king and slave,
'Tis just whnt wo are, and do;
Tlien give to the world the best you bavo
And tho best will come bank to you.
Madeline B. Bridges.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
We may amplify a little; but, after
all, Solomon said about all there was
to bo said. Puck.
"She makes no secret of her ignor
ance." "Why should she? She
couldn't keep it." Puck.
She is a mighty worthless girl who
does not improve a man by marrying
him. Washington Democrat.
Quisz "How'd yon tear your trous
ers?" Sprocket (just returned from a
country ride) "Chainless dog." De
troit Journal.
"Is yonr wife honest? I mean, do
you ever find her short in her ac
counts?" "Well, I should say not!
You ought to hear her!"
"Now, Bobbie," said the teacher in
the natural history class, "what is a
panther?" "A inou thatmakth panth,"
lisped Bobbie. Boston Traveler,
Mrs. Bilkins "The new girl broko
four plates to-day." Mr. Bilkins
"Did she assign any reason for not
breukiug the entire set?" Ohio State
Journal.
Mrs. Fliut (skeptically) "H'm!
What kind of a job do you want?" Sel
duuiFedd (with surprising candor)
"Any kiud of a job dat I can't git,
mum." Puck.
Mr. Newtied (wrestling with bread)
"I thought you had a cooking-school
diplomn." Mrs. Newtied (tearfully)
"That is for cake. I never took the
bread course." Puck.
Hoax "If the driver of an ice
wagon weighs 200 pounds, what does
the man on the back of the wagou
weigh?" Joax "All right; I give it
up." Hoax -' 'Ice. " Philadelphia
Record.
"I have a doctor's certificate here
that I cauuot sing to-night," said the
prima donna. "What!" roared the
manager. "I'll give you a certificate
thnt you never could sing." Detroit
Free Press.
C. "Nothing will ago so quickly as
poetry." Y. "Iudeed?" C "Oh,
yes; I've known a young fellow to
write tender lines to his girl, aud when
they were received they were pro
nounced tough."
A "Whnt is Meyer doing now?"
B "I saw him a little while ago with
his head in a noose, a knife at his
throat and foaming at the mouth." A
"Horrible! Where? Where?" B
"At tho barber's!" Standard.
Full of Grand Marches and Quick
steps. Oletinier "Is your married
life ono grand Bweet song?" New
lywed "Well, since I got a baby it's
more like a grand opera, with loud
calls for the author every night."
Puck.
Blind Beggar "This dime you've
given ine seems to be off color." Old
Lady "Impostor! What do you
mean by wearing that sign and mis "
Blind Beggar "Sign doesn't say I'm
color-bliud, docs it?" Philadelphia
Record.
"Thackeray a master of style!" re
pented Chollie to the earnest person.
"My deuh fulluw, you pa wsitively don't
know what yon are saying. I've seen
dozens of pictchnws of the old Johnny,
and not one of them Bhowed a coat
that had tho least upproach to fit."
Cincinnati Enquirer.
"My wife," said the tall, lunteru
jawed man, "is as womanly a woman
as you could find, but she can ham
mer nails like lightning." "Wonder
ful!" sang the chorus. "Lightning,"
the tall, lantern-jawed man continued,
"seldom strikes twice iir the same
place." Cincinnati Enquirer.
"Dear me!" excluimed tho girl with
pensive, brown eyes and ink on hei
fingers, "I wish I had eutered school
a year sooner." "What is the matter,
dear?" "Things are iu such nn un
settled state that I scarcely know what
advico to give the country in my grad
uation essay. "Washington Star.
Little Tommy "Pupa, did you eyei
see a cyclone that Mowed everything
np in the nir; cows and horses, and
houses nnd things, upside down?"
Pupa "Well, no, Tommy, although
I've heard of it often." Little Tom
my"Vell, I think it'd be rather
tiresome to livo so long aud never see
anything." Harlem Lifo.
Now tho gravediggers had become
aweury of what they deemed those
elderly jests. "Sad dog, he," one of
them consequently took it upon him
self to remark, indicating Hamlet.
"Great Dane," replied the other,
boldly. This fable tenches how easily
uncouth persons my jump from the
frying-pan into the fire. Detroit
Journal.
"Marie," ho cried passionately, as
he threw himself at the foetof the rich
widow, "will you be my wife?" "Yes,
John," she murmured. "It means
the sacrifice of my fortune, for my in
come from my lute husband's estate
censes at my second marriage; but my
mv love for you is such " "Marie,
I ctinuot accept the sacrifice! It is
too much! I will be a brother to
you I" London Tit-Bit i

xml | txt