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VOL. VII. Ppmitrg ffcnwtrat. A Democratic weekly paper devoted to Poll ties N't*!, the Arts 1| j and Sciences Ac. Pub- .* Mjyjgjg y • |y, at Tunkhannock i lyntfe Wyoming County, Pa *J \ •<* M J BY HARVEY SICKLER 1' Terms— l copy 1 year, (in advance) $2,00; if ■ot paid within six inenths, *2.50 will be charged NO paper will be DISCONTINUED, until all ar rmagure paid; unless at the option of publisher. RATES OF "ADVERTISING. TKK USES CONSTITUTE A SQUARE. One square one or three insertions $1,50 Every subsequent insertion less than 8 50 REAL ESTATE, PERSONAL PROPERTY, and GENERAL ADVERTISING, as may be agreed upon, PATENT MEDICINES and other advertisements Dy the column : One column, 1 year,* S6O Half column, 1 year 35 • Third column, 1 year, 25 Fourth column, 1 year, 20 Business Cards of one square or less, per year with paper, 48. EDITORIAL or LOCAL ITEM advertising—with out Advertisement —15 cts. per line. Liberal terms made with permanent advertisers. EXECUTORS, ADMINISTRATORS and AUDI TOR'S NOTICES, of the usual length, $2,50 OBITUARIES,-exceeding ten lines, each ; RELI CLOL'S and LITERARY NOTICES, not of general Bierest, one half tne regular rates. wr; a Ivcrtisements mm t be banded in by Tces tki Noos, to insure insertion the same week. JOB WORK ofallkinds neatly executed and at prices to suit the times. All TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB WORK must be paid for, when ordered Business N olices. RTUW. E UTTbB ATTORNEYS AT LAW Office on Tioga Street Tunkhanauck Pa Hg, COOPER, PHYSICIAN A SI KU EON • Newton Centre. Luzerne County Pa. OL, FARKISH, ATTORNEY AT LAW. • Uth -e at the Court House, in Tunkhanock Wyoming Co. Pa. /M. H FTa IT, ATIOKNEi AT~LAW of fice in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk Bannock, Pa. r"p j CH ASE, ATTORNEY AND COUNSEL- X* LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa Especial attention given to settlement ol dece dcot'a estates Nicholson, i\*. Doc. 5, 19(37 —v7nl9yl MJ. WILSON, ATTORN FY AT LAW, Col • lecting and Real Estate Agent. lowa Lands fer sale. Scranton, Pa. 3btf. T W, HHOADS, PHYSICIAN A SURiiEXtN, J • will attend promptly to all calls in fessinn. May be found at his Office at the Drug Store, or at his residence on Putman Sreet, formerly eccupied by A. K. Peckham Esq. DENTISTRY. /o V IISIIPP DR, L. T. BURNS has permanently located in Tunkhannock Borough, and respectfully tenders his professional services to it* citizens. Office on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr. Oilman. v6n3otf. PORTRAIT, LANDSCAPE, ANll ogj£M£NFT2i£ PAXI\rTITG. Hv >r. 'JtraE'lt, Artist. Roomsover the Wyoming National bank,in Ntark's linck Block, TUNKHANNOCK, PA. Life-size Portraits painted from Amb'otvpes or Photographs —Photographs Painted in Oil Colors. — All orders for paintings executed according to or der, or no charge made. Instructions given in Drawing, Sketching, Portrait and Landscape Painting, in Oil or water Colors, and in *ll branches of the art, Tunk , July 31, 'gT-vgnSO-tf. BOLTON HOUSE. HAKIUSRUBOf PKNNA. The undersigned having lately purchased the " BUEHLER HOUSE " property, has already com menced such alterations and improvements as will render this old and popular House equal, if not supe rior, to any Hotel in the City of Harrisburg. a' continuance of the public patronage is refpect fully solicited. GEO. J. BOLTON WALL'S HOTEL, LATE AMERICAN HOUSE/ TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. TIIIS establishment has recently been refitted an furnished in the latest style Every attention ■ill be given to th* comforgand convenience of those ■ho patronize the House. T B. WALL, Owner and Proprietor ; _Tunkhannock, September 11. IP6I MEANS' HOTEL. TOWANDA, PA p. B- B ART LET, (Late oft- r brai!A!U> llopse, Eljiiba, N-Y --FKOPRIETOR. The MEANS HOTEL, i- one of the LARGEST end BEST ARRANGED Houses in the country—lt is fitted up in the most modern and improved style and no pains are spared to make it a pleasantand agreeable stopping place for all, v3n'2l-iy. Commercial College.—The sueeess of Gard ner's Business College and Ladies' Academy, at Scranton, has surpassed atl expectation The course of study is more thorough -the terms are cheaper— and give better satisfaction than any other College f the kind in Northern Pennsylvania. Lile Schol arship 835 OU. Clubs at reduced rates. Send lor aollege Paper giving full particulars. Address J. 0 Gardner, Principal. Scranton, Pa. u7nlUyl INFORMATION. Information guaranteed to produce a luxuriaot growth of hair apon a bald bead or beardless lace, also a recipe for the removal of Pimples, Blotches, Eruptioas, etc., on the skin, leaving the same soft clear, and beautiful, can be obtained without charge by addresing. THOS. F CHAPMAN, Chemist. 48T Broadway,NewYork. TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. -WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3, 1868. Patricks (Column. Spring Trade for '6B Will open on or about the Ist of May, AT TUNKHANNOCK. PENN'A. C. Detrick., (SUCCBSSOB TO BUNNELL k BANNATYNB,) Froposes to establish himself permanently in trade at this place, at the Brick 6tore house ID Sam'l Stark's Block, where by fair dealing and fair prices be expects to merit and receive the public patronage. Attention 16 called to the following in Dry Goods : SILKS, POPLINS, ALPACAS, LUSTRES, DELAINES. GINGHAMS, PRINTS, SHAWLS. LADIES' SACQ.UINGS, DRESS TRIMMINGS, BLEACHED AND BROWN MUSLINS, CLOTHS AND CASSIMKRES GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS, TOILET ARTICLES. NOTIONS, AC. to: Groceries. SUGAR, TEA, COFFEE, MOLASSES, RICE, SYRUP, CANDLES, SOAP, STARCH, FLOUR, . FEED, SALT, PORK, BUTTER, CHEESE, DRIED BEEF, HAMS, FISH of all kind*, BEANS, AC., AC., Hardware, A FULL ASSORTMENT. Cutlery OF ALL KINDS, MEN'S AND BOYS' Hats and Caps. Boots # Shoes, A FULL ASSORTMENT. This branch of basiows made a speciality. A lot of SEWED ARMY SHOES, A GREAT BARGAIN, SOLE LEATHER. CROCKERY. SKIN E, WOOD AND TINWARE, in great variety- All kinds of Produce taken in e*cbaage for Goods. The above articlee will tie kept in fell assortment. I mean to make the eperi men tof goods sold ia qnantites cheaper than ever before ia thie vteinity, I shall be heppy to see yon, and yea eaa depend ap ; i on finding bargains la a vary depaftmeat. Gooda fa- Iceived every week. inetnj. WHO ARE THE USURPERS. BT WILLIAM UUBBABD. These are days of rough men, and rough deeds—and I'll use Rough words in the song that I sing.if I choose. Fair words are too precious on scoundrels to wasie Rare vintage, which flows oot for scullions to taste j 'Tis with felons I deal— Thieves who break through nd steal ! Such as Forney, who stole forty thousand at least And that millionaire burglar—Ben. Butler the Beast ! 'Tis with wretches whose garments with nurder are red ! All spattered and splotched with the blood they have shed ! Such as Bingham— whose eye-balls are seared with the sight Of a ghost, if he ventures out lone in the night! The ghost of a woman, al 1 saintly and white ! Poor Mary Surratt ! Purer soul never sped To yon Heaven through the stars Beaming lustrous o'er head, Than thine—whose frail body Moulders now with the dead ! Than thine—who was strangled, And laid with the dead ! Rest ! Rest ! With the martyred blest ! Murdered mother ! thy guiltlessness now is confes sed ! Such as Stevens—corroded with life-long remorse ! Whose sin-cankered heart has been long turned to gall— For he sees, "in his mind's eye," the club-beaten corpse Of a girl who for him gave up Heaven and all ! Lured out to the brook-side—the night dark and dread "Slain by some one unknown" —so the coroner aaid — But the terrible sj>eclrt comes back from the dead ! Such as Sumner, the donkey, with leonine looka, Clad in a jacket of stripes, which was given him by Brooks ! Such as Sumner, the THING ! neuter gender ! who made A mockery of marriage, and a woman betrayed ! Then tortured his victim, as a Chief of the Crows, Does the captive he takes in a raid on his foes ! And the tumble-bug, filth-monger, blaspheming Wade ! Bosa-in-Chief, for long years, of the wencb-hugget's trade ! Obscene as the Hun in his midsummer ride Who used beel-stoak far tat tle, and supper beside ! A low down low fellow—low born and low bred, With a fLdi-woman's tongue in a acallawag's head ! And these, O my couDtrymen ! these are the knaves Who cosspire to bo masters, when you shall be slaves ! —Bucyrus (Ohio) Forum. Admission of Arkansas. The bill for the admission of Arkansas passed the House on Friday. In orJer to show how they do things in that body, we will give a statement of the facts. The bill was introduced by Stevens, and the pievious question demanded. • Mr. Spald ing, Radical from Ohio, then inquired " if the party expected him to vote for a con stitution be had never 6een, much less read." Stevens insisted on its passage, and, notwithstanding the fact that none of the members had ever seen the constitu tion of Atkansas, 110 Radical members voted for it. What can be thought of a deliberative body that will resort to such means for political gain ? If any attempt were made to pass a set of resolutions in a county convention, without having them read, they would be voted down, but here is a body, supposed to he composed of the wisest and most able minds of the country, making laws for the people, when they do not even know what the laws are, and dare not inquire, lest they lose position in their party. Is it not about time that such men should be sent to their houses to learn common sense, if not justice ! We think so, and we believe the people will so ex press themselves this fall. 44 Wade and Vengeance." The failure of the Stevcns-Bntler infa my on Saturday last, was turned to Wade's account at Chicago, by the cry of 44 Wade and Vengeance." The cry was vocifer ously made by the disappointed gamblers who lost their money on the failure of the eleventh article of impeachment, with hopes of recuperating their pockets from the Treasury at a future day. Tho Con vention from the start seemed to be in the keeping of the extreme radical branch of the party. There WRS a sharp contest in the Pennsylvania delegation, between Ca meron and Forney, in which Cameron had to bite the dust. The contest for Vice Presidency was at fever heat, and an ele ment was openly introduced, that has here tofore only been regarded with suspicion. It was that of openly buying up delega tions with money. The several vacancies in the Southern delegations were offered to be filed for SIOO apiece. The nigger delegates were hugged and treated with giD cocktails and whiskey punches, by northern delegates with great liberality, and several of the nigger delegates became quite con spicuous. 0" The expenses of this government, says a gentleman who has taken pains to make the calculation, amounted last year to a little over a thousand dollars a minute ! And the poor had to pay all this ! Horace Greeley, Cornelius Vanderbilt, Gerritt Smith, and other noted Radicals, hate renewed their bail for Jefferson Da vis. Why don't the faithful loyal bowl I 44 To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Bight. " COBWEB S PROPOSAL. BT HOMOR BRIGHT. 44 I tell you what it is, girls, it would be glorious AID to take advantage of leap year, aud propose to some cross old bach elor, and see what he would do about it, " said Cobweb, to the rest of us girls, as we were taking a walk, one night not long since; 44 what do you think about it, girls ? " We all agreed that it would be glori ous fun. 44 But who has pluck enough to do it ?" said Lou Wilson. 44 Who, indeed, but your humble ser vant, " said Cobweb. 44 Oh, yes, Cobweb can do it to per fection, " said Fan Clark, clapping her hands in high glee, u and yon know the rest of 11s will be round where we can hear all the fun, " said I. 44 But, Cobweb, how will you manage it ? " said Lou. 44 1 know you are equal to any emergency, hut I don't seem to think of any one you can practice on this time." 44 Well I do, " said Cobweb, 44 so keep still a moment and I will unfold my plan." 44 Go ahead, " said all of us ID concert, for we well knew there was something rich on hand, when Cobweb put on that face and manner. 41 Well, girls," said Cobweb with a smile, 41 you know there is to be a Leap Year Ball next Monday r.ight, at the town ball, and I shall a;k 44 Old Black," as we girls call him." 44 Oh," said Lou, " you will never dare ; he would annihilate you with one of his looks." " Ob, sho ! don't you believe yourself. I rather think Cobweb is put up to that sort of thing. 44 Well, Cobweb," said I, 44 get the programme all arranged, so that we can hear all the fun," 44 Oh, yes, " said she, 44 that is all right." Well, we got everything arranged be fore we went home that night, and could hardly wait to see how it would work.— First, let me describe 44 Old lilack." In the first place, lie is not old, but a fine looking man of about thirty-five years : but still, dignified manners, and the fact of his being unmarried, gave him the title of " Old Black ," his real name being Mr. Levi Black, and the owner of one of the finest farms in the town of 11 , where he lives alone pith an pld house keeper. The next day Cobweb sent him an in vitation to the ball, which he promptly ac cepted ; and Cobweb was in high glee.— The wished for night at length arrived and we were all on tiptoe, you may well be lieve. Cobwib went early ; she diove up to the door about half past seven, and running up the steps, rang the bell. The old housekeeper came to the door, and looked as though she thought Cobweb was crazy, when she asked for Mr. Black, hut managed to ask her to walk in, and she would tell her master she wanted to 6ee him. 44 But what under the sun docs that chit of a thing want of Mr. Black, I doD't see, " she muttered, as she went out. Cobweb sat down and waited with all patience. Soon she came back, saying he would be ready presently. Cobweb wait ed an hour, and did not come, then an other hour and no Mr. Black. She was about to ring for some one to find out what the trouble was, when in he came all smiles, saying : 44 Have I been long ? I have hurried so, I am all nerved up." 44 (lb, no, " said Cobweb, 44 you have been just no time at all. Well, we will go now, if you are all ready ; but it seems hardly possible—you have been so very quick ! " n 44 Oh, yes; I am quite ready," 44 Well, now we will go." % She waited on him into the buggy, and Tucked the robes around him as sober as a judge, and gathered up the reins, and they were soon at the hall. Oh, how honored Cobweb looked, as slid came in with Mr. Black hanging on her arm. She gave us a look out of those eyes of hers that set us all into a laugh ; but all the while he w'as as sober as could be. But I saw a twin kle in his eye that meant mischief. Well, all went as merry as could be. When supper time came Cobweb gave us the wink to be on hand, as agreed. We all swallowed our supper in a hurry aud went and hid in a closet that opened out of the ladies' dressing-room, where Cobweb meant to entice him after supper, and then propose to him in the most approved style, as she said. We could but just keep still. We got all arranged around the door, which stood partly open. Soon we saw them coine in. Cobweb led him to a seat, and seating herself beside him, she looked over to our hiding place and made up a face. That set us all to gig gling, and Lou laughed out; but he took no notice of it, so we thought it was all right. 44 Dear Mr. Black, " said Cobweb mov ing up to him and taking his hand 44 I have long waited for this opportunity to opeh my heart to yon, but have never un til now found one favorable to my pur pose." He looked up a little surprised, but did not seem much frightened. 44 1 have long loved you, and know you to bo the guiding star of my existence. Say, now, truly, dear, darling George, do you lov me ? Don't say no, " said she dropping on one knee. 44 Don't leave me without hope. Give me 3ome enoourage merit, and I will be the happiest woman alive. Say, darling do you love roe a lit tle ? " said she, looking up into his face with such a complete counterfit devotion, that we all were convulsed with laughter. lie looked at her a moment and then went off into such a fit of laughter as you cover heard. Cobweb straightched up with all the dignity she could command, and looked at him with a face as long as your arm, un til he stopped laughing, when he looked up, and said : * Well, you did well ; better than I could, Miss Reed; and I am glad you have done so, for 1 could never have had the courage to pop the question, but now yon have done the thing—l can only say, I shall be only too happy to accept your heart and hand. Ido love you, and have for a long while. I overheard your con versation that night, and determined to take advantage of it. Now lam willing to make you the happiest woman in the world at any time; the sooner the better. What do you say ? Cobweb looked up at him, and seeing that he was in earnest, wilted, as Lou said. Then he reached out his hand and drew her to him, saying: "Now it remains for you to say wheth er it shall be binding or not. I am will ing to abide by my promise, are you ? Shall we consider it a bone fide or not. — And he drew her to him and planted a kiss on her pouting lips. " I don't know ; let me go, " said Cob web. 4 'You will tell mo soon, " said he, as he held her fast. 14 Promise me, and I will let yon go," She promised, and he said, 44 Now girls, come ami persuade her she had better marry 44 Old Black." We all carne out looking sheepish enough, I expect. I never saw cobweb cornered before ; but 1 think she will make it all right. We went home in high glee, but Mr. Black would insist upon see ing Cobweb home safe, for he said he al ways made it a point of duty to look out for all valuable property. How the affair will terminate, 1 don't knew ; but I hope she will conclude to have him, for he is re ally a noble fellow ; and then, such good times as we would have going to see her in that fine old house. If she does. I will let you know all about it. But we shall nev er forget how she looked when she drop ped on her knees, and rolled up her eyes so lovingly at him when she proposed. AN INTEBESTING BBEACH OF PROM ISE CASE IN PROVIDENCE. In the Supreme Court of Rhode Island,; in session at Providence, suit was brought' yesterday by Delia U. Albro to recover of Thomas J, llili damages to the amount of #IOO,OOO for an alluged breach of prom ise of marriage. The allegations of the plaintiff, as made by her opening counsel, are that in the Spring of 1867, the defend- j ant was a widower for the second time, I not far from being sixty years of age, of, large means, and carrying on business! scarcely second in magnitude to that of any similar establishment in Europe or Amer ca. He was one that could easily have persuaded any woman of any age or condi tion to become his wife. About this time j he was looking for a wife, and had his eyes upon at least three ladies, whose rc speetivejmeritsand capability he was engag ed in weighing. lie made inquiries as to the family con nections, the personal character and merits of the plaintiff, calling in the aid of the sc'er.cc of phrenology, in order to deter-; mine the peculiarities of her mind and character. The plaintiff is about forty years of age, the daughter of the late ; William Mason, and hpr relatives are all of the first respectability. She had been, since the death of her husband, living with •her mother, wearing her weeds of mourn ing, and lavishing all her affections upon her son. Under these circumstances the defendant began to pay her attention. Until this time she had supposed that she never could look with tenderness upon a persou of the other sex, but when the de fendant had paid her these attentions, and i had called Iter a noble woman, he became the centre of her thoughts and sympathies. The attentions were such as no man has a right to pay to a woman unless he means to marry her, and resulted in a formal en gagement. He was introduced in her fa mily as her intended husband, and passed the Sunday with her at the house of her father in-law. lie seemed in haste to be married, and urged forward the prepara tions. The plaintiff began to make her arrangements, received the congratulations of her relatives, and of whom, with char acteristic liberality, sent her a package of hank notes. Earth became as new to Iter ; all its sounds were music; all its sights were things of beauty, and the future was spanned anew with the bow of Hope. At this time the door bell rang, and the de fendant came in with a cloud on his face. 44 Delia, " said he, 44 1 came to tell you that lam not agoing to marry you." 44 Why," said she, 44 what misconduct have I been guilty of? " His reply was " circumstan ces prevent me." lie ceased visit ing the plaintiff, and has never married the plaintiff, or made her any compensa tion lor the wrong done her, beyond offer ing to reinburse ber for the money site expended in preparing ber clothes. She asks damages commensurate with her wrongs and station of the defendant, whose income for the year 1866 is stated to have been 8120.000", and for two or three years immediately preceding also very large. Defence not yet disclosed. £W A lady in this vioinity boasts of the possession of a pair of eardrops made from 44 liver," brought from Mount 44 Vo ciferous" during the late 44 disruption." gf Water isn't a fashionable beverage for drinking your friend's health, but it's a capital one for drinking your own. ; WHAT WELL THE DEMOCRATS DO f It has been asked, 44 What will the Dem ocrats do if we help to place them in pow er ? " The question is so well and appro priately answered and so satisfactorily summed up, by Gen. W, A. Gorman, of Minnesota, in a late speech, that we insert the answer here : 44 If the democracy get power in the Government, they will reduce the tariff tax on all your tea, and what you drink and wear. 44 They will restore the Union, and turn over all the Southern States' expenses to be paid by the South alone. 44 We will turn out and abolish ten thousand abolition Freedmen's Bureau of fice-holders, and save millions of dollars to the peoples' pockets. 44 We will bid the South support them selves, and go to raising cotton and sugar, and we will continue to raise produce to feed them. 41 We wiil pay the public debt in the same currency we pay you and the same you pay each other, and thus save rail lions more in the pockets of the people. 44 If we pay the rich in gold, we will pay you in gold. If we pay you in paper money, we wiil pay the plethoric bond holders in paper money. 44 We will enact laws to enable you to buy your goods, where you can buy the chea pest, and sell where you can get the best price. 44 We will protect labor from the en croachments of capital. 4 * We will leave each State to govern itself, limited only by the Federal Consti tution. 44 We will reduce the army in the South, and send them to the Plains to protect the frontier and new routes to the Far West. 44 YVc will restore commerce, peace and good will between the North and the South. 44 We will reduce taxes, both State and National. 44 We will lessen the office-holders, and release you from taxation to support them. 44 We will enact laws inside and not f outside the Constitution. 44 We will restore peace at lß*mc and maintain your honor abroad. 44 We will inaugurate a day of modera tion, order and good will, instead of hate and ill will, as now taught by Jacobin pol iticians. 44 We will give equal rights to all, and grant exclusive privileges to none. 44 We will substitute calm statesman ship for mad Jacobinism. 44 We will make pets of niggers no long er at the expense of the whites, nor force suffrage for tliero at the expense and a gainst the will of those who have created and maintain the Government." EMBARRASSING.— A gentlemanly agent of a ceitain city was collecting fares from the passengers of a very full 'bus one morn ing. All paid promptly except one fat old lady who sat next the door, and who seem ed to be reaching down as if to get some thing she had dropped on the floor. When her time came to pay she raised her head arid thus addressed the blushing youth : "I allers, when I travels, carry my money in my stockin', for you sees, nothin can git it thar ; I'd thank you, young man, jist to reach it for ore, as I'm so jammed in that I can't get to it." The youth looked at the other passengers, some of whom were laughing at his plight ; one or two young ladies among them blushed scarlet, and he beat a sudden retreat, muttering some thing about not charging old ladies, etc. — II is cash was short that morning the fare of one passenger. A REMARKABLE STATEMENT.— In the trial of General Cole for the murder of Hiscock, at Albany, on the ground of adul tery with his (Cole's) wife, the counsel for the accused, made the singular state ment that 44 within the last two hundred years no man has ever been punished by any court of justice, either in this country or in England, for shooting the seducer of his wife, his dauglitdr or his sister, when that motive, and that alone, has prompted the fatal blow." This demoostiates the influence of precedent in important ques tions. Parties who desire to do anything out of the usual order of things console themselves with the reflection that ' 4 this is the first time it has been.done, " and in this manner the unwarranted deeds of some one else are made the excuse for still more unwarranted action on the part of others. Nature and History curiously approved each other's records in the case of an old elm tree fell down in Boston the other day. The town record shows that the elm was planted by vote of the town of Bos ton in the year 1733 that is, 134 years ago ; and the annual lajers or rings of the tree, which were plainly visible after its trunk had been severed, were counted to the number of 134, thus exactly corre sponding with the date at which it was planted. It appeare that some of the inci dents of history are trustworthy. fg" A Photographer in Gloucester, Mass., was astonished by a young woman who came to ask meekly,and innocently ; 4> How iong does it take to get a photograph after you leave your measure ?' THE REGISTRY ACT. —The constitution ality of the Registry Law is to be tested in the Supreme Court, and the 27th of the mouth has been fixed for the hearing of the argument, . . „ TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance. pise att& Jsftjjwfoitt. An editor, speaking of a large and Cat co temporary, remarked that if all flesh was grass, he must be a load of hay. "I expect I am," said the fat man, ''from the way don* keys are nibbling at me." An old bachelor thinks the trails of ladies' dresses infernal machines, from the fact that a blow-up took place directly after he pat hie foot on one. ■ - - An orator, who had raised his audienco to a great height by his lofty soarings, exclaim ed, "I wil I now close in the beautiful and ex* pressive language of the poat—l forgot his name—and—and—l forgot what be said, too." One'day, at a farmhouse, a wag saw an old gobbler trying to eat the strings of some night caps that lay on the grass to bleach "that," said he, "is what I call introducing cotton into Turkey," An elderly gentleman traveling in a stage coach was amused by the constant war of words kept up between two ladies. Ooe of them at last kindly inquired if their conversation did not make bis bead ache,when he answered with great naivette : "No, madam, I have been married twenty* eight years." An editor out West, who had served four days v a juryman, says : "I am so full of law, that it is with great difficulty I refrain from cheating sombody." "Do you keep matches ?" asked a would be wit, of a retail dealer. "Oh yes, all kinds," was the reply. "Well, then, I guess I'll take a trotting match." The retailer immediately handed him a box of Braodreth's pills. Kraatsalett's wife discovered her old hen' setting in the back yard, and "burst up her nest." Soon alter the poor woman came in much excited and said— "My dear Kraatsalett, I took the eggs from 'Brownie,' and she has gone and sot onto an old meat axe." "Let her set," said the bilious aid fel low, "if she seta on an axe maybe she'll hatchet." A GOOD STORY.ON BCTLER.—A Washing ton correspondent writes : There is a loose darkey about Willard'a hotel named Tom. You cao bribe Tom to do anything. The other day there was a dinner given by a New York contractor, at which it was understood that Ben. Butler would be a guest. Some disloyal wag, without the fear of Congress before him, got bold of Tom, fed him liberally, and put him up to a piece of outrageous and treasonable tomfoolery. After the plates were served, the boat said, "That wil) do Tom, you can go." But Tom did'nt go. Observing that his orders were not obeyed, the contractor repeated, "I told yon 10 go Tom, if I want you, I will ring for you." • Still Tom hung abont the door and did not retire. At last, very much warmed at his contumacy, New York turned upon Eth iopia and said sternly, attracting the atten tion of the whole company, "I've told yoa twice to leave the room, and by G—d I'll be obeyed, or put you out myself Tom approached the table humbly and replied ia a subdued tone, but loud enough to be heard by all present, ' If you please sir—with sub* mission —I can't go. I'm obliged to stay."— "Thth—l you are. What for? "Well sah, if I must tell you, I must. I beg Mass* Butler's pardon, but I'm sponsible for the spoons. Dem 9poons is silver, an' I was specially sent to watch em. I can't go sir." It's as much ss my place is worth sir." Th sequel can better be immagined than de scribed. COUNTRY COUSIN AND CITY BELLE— "BuII, now, I declare, cousin Adria," said Peleg Toothacher, as Miss Adrians Rear, a city belle, who had just finished upon tb Piano Forte one of tho fashionable waltzes of the day, "you do beat all nater, what sort of a consarn is that you play on ?" • "A Piano Forte," was the answer. "Pieranner Forty ! Wull, I should think that when you played on'nt 'twas all of pian* ner sixty. What sort of a consarn is that in the corner there 1" "That, sir, is a harp." "I want tew know. I'xe heerd our minis* ter tell of David's harp of solum sound. 1 Tarn, blere I cud set pretty darn'd late to hear you musicize on that pianner forty ; it cuius as nateral as courtin." "Why, Peleg, I hope you don't go court ing." "You hope so now : should nt you like to have me to cum for to court you, you tarna* lion musical critter you ?" "Peleg, you should not talk so." 0 you get out now, you are so orful purt ty that I'tn afeard that 1 shall do something despite afore long." "Peleg, I must insist that you will not use such language towards me, I shall not allow it." 4 Distress in a mitten ! If I exer tell a eity gal she is handsome again, I hops I may to goahbuatified cbasy.d right up and spit out io ■mail quaaii'% cv NO. 43.