Newspaper Page Text
-"- 'tW'P f.-!T"T t
10 THE WxiSHINGTON TDLES, TUESDAY, EEBRUAET 21, 19J1. THE TIMES DAILY MAGAZINE PAGE Wit and Humor Fiction and Facts Pete Is Sure That Smoking Is a Pernicious Habit In Amos - - By Sherman Drawn for The Times MsW ,iii., mi, Willi. i...J,r r . wr Nr-70 - KA-CHOOJ!) O TO 5WEAR SOMEBODY " (DID I DROP :J .VI I .STRUCK THAT! (THAT WHII C V JU- o I WAS ASLEEP' )A t ,- i Jb" " I'"UJ" "'IfnnJP'" f'" tfiL "vi-" '- "7; -'V ' . . ?tt; - . - ell 6 l -t V e I WITH THE Wy ?MK PERFECTty . "J - o I Tj ., ri y A km ( 3 i .. 'jL5, TXp-VwATCH I T" l''ms$& ."pi" HIM MR. PEEVED PROTESTS Against the Avarice Of Modern Women TO HIS PATIENT WIFE "D1 ID you order some coal today?" asked Mr. Peeved, coming into the library brushing ashes oft his coat "Why, no," said Mrs. Peeved, looking up from her sewing. "You didn't tell me we needed any." "Well, we do," said Mr. Peeved, shortly; "but you can just give me the $7 50 and I'll order it on my way to the office tomorrow." "Give you $7.r0, indeed," snapped Mrs. Peeved. "Well, I guess not You can have it charged and pay it on the first of the month. I can't spare money for coal out of the pittance you give me." Pittance!" retorted Mr. Peeved, angrily. "Pittance! That's the wav with j on women. Think of nothing but getting money but of a man. .lust a lot of avaricious fools. Here I am scratching along with barely carfare; working like a slave; and you won't even trust me with $7.50 to buy a ton of coal." Mrs. Peeved sniffed. ' 111 bet you just want that money to tide you over till payday, John Peeved," she said sharply. "You don't dare ask me to lend it you, and you're just trying to get it out on mo on false pretense." 'Martha Peeved," began Mr. Peeved angrily, then paused; "you're right as usual, petty,"' he said humbly. "But, believe me, dearie, it isn't because I've been extravagant for myself You see, petty, I went to work and spent my raonoj on on something for you and I didn't like to ask jou to lend me any bucks till Saturday for that reason." "Something for me'" queried Mrs. Peeved, suspiciously. 'It was a bracelet," went on Mr. Peeved, growing more enthusiastic cverv minute "Oh. a peach of a bracelet, but it had turquoise instead of amethvsts, and, since amethjsts are your birthday stones, I asked them to get me one with those jewels, and they said they would. Would have it ready by next week, but I had to pay for it now." ' Oh, John," cried Mrs. Peeved, tenderly, "you are just the best hus band ever lived. I've got $10 upstairs I can lend you as well as not," and, jumping up, she hurried out of the room, while Mr. Peeved, taking out his note book, wrote down under the date of payday: Memo. Get some kind of bracelet with amethyst for wifey." LORETTA'S LOOKING-GLASS POLICE PERSIFLAGE r jjpiiM "Was the verdict tho serious convic tion of the jury?" I don t Know. It was of the prisoner ON A GOOD FOOTING "I suppose there demand for shoes." "Yes, tho trade is lasting, always A THING OF THE PAST JUQ ft "Don t you wish jou had been liem fcrandl'" No.' Why'" "Just because he hai been " Almost Put His Foot In It "John" ' -Well! I've had mv face fixed for a piece of devil s cako for a week." "I've noticed, dear, that your face looked like the er that Is I mean why don't you make one?" Houston Post. Real Curiosity. Has jour dolly got real hair, little girl"' es hut that's nothing: I know a little girl whoso mamma has got real hair.' Houston Post. Hiding Device. Where can I hide?" gasped the min ing stock promoter, as lie burst Into his office "The police are coming!" "Get Into the simplified card Index case," cried the chief clerk. "I defy any one to lind anything In there?" Queer Fellow. "Is your Jlance exacting?" "Oh, very. He doesn't want mc to be (engaged to anybody else." THINKS Eggs are low. That's what my wife told me yesterday as I touched her for car fare and started away to tho office to get what was left of my pay. Eggs are low. That's what I read on each grocery sign. Then I stopped in to get mo a nice hherry wine and the egg3 contradicted my wife and the sign Eggs are low. By Jinks. Pert Paragraphs A young man Is disgusted when he finds his sister doesn't know tho name of the governor of the State, but when the sweet young thing In the next block discloses the fact that she doesn't know the State has a governor he goes down on his knees to her sweet femininity. The state of a man's credit can often be approximated by the domes his wife wears. Ability to pay the landlord Is one of the first requisites of a handsome husband. Men are not vain, but most of them resent being told, that they are getting thick waisted and bald. Learn to take a hint gracefully. If a fat woman steps on your pet corn In a crowded car, smile and give her your ECdt. Tell your troubles to the cold, cold wind. They will soon be dispersed. A grouch Is a man who wants tho thing for dinner today that his wife had planned,for next week. Don't sing the song of prosperity so lustily that the boss will think you will stand a cut In salary. SHE HOLDS IT UP TO THE WIFE WHO IS A KILL-JOY. ABURGLiAn was going through a man's trousers. "The man's wife called to hrr husband: 'Wake up; there s a thief going through your pockets'" "The man turned over and answered: You two light it out: then went to sleep." Your husband i telling this joke and enjoying it 'I read that in the paper," you ob serve, as IT that killed the humor of the stoo-. Your remark certainly kilW vnur husband's enjoyment of It an.vwav You have n way of doing jut that kind or thing. You puncture the bubble" of cheerfulness that float In vour domestic ntmophere with a neat ness and dispatch that jou never attain in anything cl-c You are a klll-jov. If you go to dinner away from home you laugh at old stories and do .vour share to brighten the social scene You consider It tho polite thing to do. Per haps you even have a vague Idea that vou ought to pay for the social privi lege by laughing at the proper Place and doing the small things that oil the wheels or conversation. But at home you are different. And the difference Is most noticeable In .vour treatment of your husband. He W paying Tor the food even If you do have to cook ll or see to its being cooked. But vou never laugh at his stories as a slight return for the meal he gives vou, no matter if they are new, fresh, leally funnv stories. Because he tells them you listen with a cold, unappre ciatlve, mlrth-debllllatlng manner that makes him swear inwardly and freeze up outwarrtlv. Gradually your husband real'ze.s that you keep a kind of censorious, de tached, senil-eritteal uniiilerest for his especi.il abuse. He hears vou laugh at other men who tell his Jokes worse than he does And he is hurt. He becomes convinced that he Is unap preciated. And he is. Th club Is the onlyJplace whore )i has freedom to express himself Or some other woman than his Joy-killing wife is the one who makes him feel comfortably and properly estimated at his real worth. You do not damn his cheerfulness with faint praise; you freeze it at the fountain head with your glacial man ner. About the only part of him in which you seem to take a real Interest Is his financial genlu.s. For his gayer moods jou have only plentiful and chilling showers of disparaging silence or critical comment. You used to laugh at him and with him. You were companionable before he married you. You were quite as polite to him about laughing at his stale Jokes as he sees jou are now to other men. You seem to regard ynur position as his wife In the light of a legal com mission to exterminate all his Inclina tions toward Jovfulness. You make a crime or his levttv-. You are not merelj- an excuse for his seeking amusing companionship. You drlvo him to It! MAMIE'S MONOLOGUE About Fat Women In the Theater, Told IN A TROLLEY CAR "W - " MfQ WTrwrv Frets About Hubby's BY lVIrS. VV Oliy Lateness C. A. VOIGHT Drawn for Tho Time. r 3; J - f ooowessrv 1 hopcL ( 1 curss-me 7RArW5. T r-nlft-r3dttHi-jt-n- 4 1 3roN wu cbt Howe- i flpyrafiCTttt most Be 'STALteD ' ( lreSjcrW.pr ? l" a tERfljuie nktout. Bf-T . iK yoon 7ohn he'll Be V-J-LA i ll ? 1 Now ue " 1 1 - v i r4 u PB.JHAPS Hrs tOSTHIS f J i 1 K- S ) WeW IHTWC STORM-ANO . L- I H WlH trt OH is rgreg-oQHH.' ISrxf V J OH 7Qrw:7WfJ - -" W &. r IFm r . K O 'Jl J BMll iHU. I TrTJlTgPSH viVipi 1 s&GtfallSS ' " iLLJ sjzy '"' ii )i .wi. ti r -.,. -.; .... . 1 .-v 1 I t tUESS lMA..kciiiA&&iSyy,j F r . lUOVMTHEEE ALLTH1S SHE 5 1 JmMry f WM WtTTVOO COME TIME? OH I'M SOfrlAD" ASLFep'lJrt-WhW IPOWrANOOPeN-rKEPWRSj 1 ALMOST WORiJ.OMv'' FOULD you look at that woman plowin' through the aisle! Ain't that awful, Belle? "Instead of gradually edgin' nearer the door she makes a grand break at the last moment, and now look! If she pokes me with that elbow of hers rouch! Oh, I beg your pardon, madam; please excuse me for llvin'. "'Belle, I bet she's one of these women that think it's against the law to' come into a theater before the curtain goes up. I think the woman that slides her fat back in front of your face just when you're on the verge of findln' out what the play's all about would -do anything. "I speak from experience, Belle. Bill took me to a grand show last night, and I'd had the time of m life if three great big women in suc cession hadn't plumped themselves right in front of me each time he kissed the leading lady. "And he only kisses her three times. I never was so mad in my life' He was such a big, handsome fellow that I was dying to see how he kissed, too! "I almost jabbed the last one with a hatpin. She was the limit. "Would you believe it, Belle, she was so fat she got caught between my knees and the back of the seat in front of me and just stuck there like a fool! " 'Madam,' I says, in a voice that would a-froze a hot potato, 'madam, was your father a glazier?' "'Mercy,' she sayB, 'I can't move! Oh, this Is awful!' "And about six men in back of me sing out 'amen in chorus, and I have to get up and untangle her. Can you beat it?" TRUE TO THE LAST njnp 8j$ qT et 'What did your wife say when you told her that this was to be your last will'" 'I won't! STINGING RETORT Bfcj "Don't you know what cornea after A, Johny? Why, B. A. B." "Naw, 't don t. A bee comes after XT." PET SUPERSTITIONS "Put my big deal through," said tho man exultantly, as he came in at the front door. "We'll be riding- In a limousine soon, you'll see. "No, we won't," sobbed the wife. "There's no use pretending. I know i; failed." "But it didn't," protested the man. "Don't try to fool me," walled the woman. "I I broke a mirror this morning, and that means seven years' bad luck. Oh, dear; oh, dear. Just as I thought we were getting along." The Optimist It's not much fun getting up at C a. m. to go down and start the furnace. but It's worse to wake up at that hour and remember there isn't any coal to start It with. AND THEY THREW HIM INTO A PIT. The man who grumbles Is like a poor family that buys fuel by the bucket he never gets thoroughly- warmed up to anj'Uilng. Airing your grievances never makes them any sweeter, but If you hidethem away and forget them thej will wither and die. To be able to rejoice over the good fortune of a friend is finer than to be able to win good fortune for yourself. And It's a good deal harder. Busy Father. "Pa, who were Damon and Pythias?" "I've kind of forgotten now whether thoy were a champion bowling team or whether they were a batterj' some club got from the Texas League. I wish you wouldn't bother me: Can't you see that I'm busy readln' about what's goln on In ' Wall Street?" Record "Why do j-ou think that Joseph was the first legislator?" "Didn't he have a coat of many colors?" Atmospheric Concussion. The man who was hurrying up the stairwaj leading to the elevated rail way station trod on the skirt of the middle-aged dame who was proceeding more leisurely, whereupon he indulged himself In a bit of muffled profanity. "What did you say, sir?" she de manded. ' "I was eitrylng to make a noise like an apology, ma'am." "Thanks." sho rejoined, with a frosty smile. "Now will you er kindly make a noise like an Ill-mannered person fall ing down a stairway?" Then tin: procession moved on again in silence. Chicago Tribune. The Principal Thing. Bobby (to Auntie, an energetic suffra-gette)-t"I- s'nose. auntie, the first thing you'll do when you get the vote will be to put a tax on us bachelors?" M. A. P. Spain's Paper Trade. Spain makes only about 40,000 tons of paper a year, half of it for the use of printers. . J A WM4W ;h t ,T. lAj. f AjfAf .t-.;.'