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THE WASHINGTON TIMES, EEIDAY, MAUCH 3, 1911.
10 THE TIMES DAILY MAGAZINE PAGE Fiction and Facts I MR. PEEVED PROTESTS Against Bribing Children With Money TO HIS PATIENT WIFE MR. HENRY HENPEQUE'S Account of the Netu Baby at Home, Told in a TROLLEY MONOLOGUE " LLORETTA'S looking-glass TO and Humor tAXftr K . f jo I bn J bin OHN" said Mrs. Peeved, carefully sorting out skeins of pink em- mirlPrv silk. "John, you'll have to give Jackie a quarter. 1 iom l.ii.i vaii unniH if hn was srood at the dentist's today." "A quarter, huh!" snapped Mr. Peeved, lighting his cigar over the lamp "A quarter for having his teeth pulled: wen. uuun w . tliafs a nice thing. Bribe the kid to do his duty. That's the way you women ruin your children. "That feller that handed out the dope the other day that modern women were training their children to be grafters and to corrupt legis latures was right. "Nix. petty, no quarter for the kid. His teeth had to come out; now they're out, that ends it." "Well, he's just going to have that money." answered Mrs. Peeved, crossly. "1 don't intend to promise my son things and then not have him get them." "nd I'm not going to have my son ruined by your indulgence, roared Mr. Peeved, heating the table with his flat. "Let him do things be cause it's right to do 'em. 1 tell you you'll make him a mercenary wretch. Be reasonable with him; tell him what to do. "Where is he now, eh? Out shovelin' snow. Why? Because I told him as one man to another that the snow had to be shoveled off. I didn't take him off in a corner and bribe him to do it." "Shoveling snow and having your teeth pulled arc very different, John Peeved, and you're too lazy to do one and too afraid to do the other," snapped Mrs. Peeved. "Silence, woman." retorted Mr. Peeved. "I don't intend to be drawn into personal recriminations. What I say is that you're not goin' to bribe that kid. I " A youthful voice from the door interrupted: "Say, pop, I've cleaned the front pavement, but you gotta come across with another fifty if you want the side cleaned. 1 ain't doin this fer my health, and the job's worth a dollar." "I think, petty," said Mr. Peeved a little later, watching his wife em broider a scallop, "I think, petty, our kid is going to be a financier." Mrs. Peeved sniffed. Chimmies History CAPTEN John Smith was de man dat stearcd tie Mavflour. with was de name of do bravo vc.s.slc what Xarried tousands of Amrrikun Hw-ells' aunts' sisters to dib country Ions be fore enybody was born If it hadent of been for Capten John Smith, the Mayflour would of bin food for th li they, and then ware would you of bin" No ware. Captcn Smith went to live at James town, which was named after him, James boeing short for John. It was a fearse place to live, on alckount of it being almost entirely surrounded by Indluns, many of which Capten John Smith Killed in his spare mo rn unts. One fatul day Capten Smith was captured. A sang of Indiuns does it bj a durty rneen trirk Dev waited til Capten Smitli had eksaustcd all his amunishun and den dev run up and grabbed him like dc sneeks de was. "Don't j ou fellers git gay w id me." sajs Capten Smith, in Indiun, wieh he could tall; as good as he rould American and wasen't afracd of nothing, "or I'll beewirh ou ' He, then looked ross-eved. wic h no Indiun has ever learned to do, ami the ignorunt savidges thot they was a devvil in him But anyhow dey tyed him to a steak and told liim in Indiun, wicli they diden t fcpeek cny better dan Capten Smith did. and maybe not as good, dey told him dat de was going to bern dc dcvvll out of hi m Capten John Smith dident sa noth ing, lent to show dem what he thought of dem. and the big cheefs sent there sijuars inter de wigwums for to get kindling wood, with dey piles all around Capten Smith Den de big gest cheef lited a match, only dey dident have matches In dem days, so he made a lire bv rubbing two sticks togeddcr. Capten Smith saw his finesh. but still he wouldcn't say nothing He jest kep on looking cross-eyed. Jest then a luvly Indiun sit I, wich was Pokerhontus and a peach to look at her pixtures. blowcd out the Are after, the Indiuns going to all that trubbul to make it and sat down on Captcn Smith's feet "You re a lot of low-down Indiuns," she says, "and If jou bern dls man I go up in smoke wid him. He ain't done nothing." Being as Pokerhontus was the dauter of the biggest cheef. he thot evor thing she did was jest rite. "Who said enythlng about berning de man "' he savs, like he was mad. 'If anj of youse guvs dares to put two peeces of wood what been rub bed togedder to dat man I'll knock his block off. ' 300 DISCOUNT. mm r m Lots of Funny Things to See i "Where will our new battleships b ordered, when tliev are built"" Out of commission, as bark num- erf- Questionable Praise. Gallant Cowboy (after a soul-wearying performance by pretty hostess) Er -what was that you just played? Miss Planothumpp Impromuto No. PT6, by Poundowwhtskl Did you like It? Gallant Cowbay (with an effoit) Oh. yes, yes; every note of it, as you play It yes, indeed. 1 was entianccd bv your er Ioely touch, jou know. But if I ever catch that composer, I 11 shoot him. No use going down the street With a grouch In tow. Glaring at the ones you meet As they come an go. Folks in plenty may be found That should cause a smile If jou will but look around At the rank and file. Here s a fellow drifting by In an ancient coat Just about thrco sizes shv, "While around 111 throat Is a necktie that's a string Of the brightest hue. On the stage a laugh he'd bring. So why not from ou? There a woman hobbles past, (joing at full steam. Colors in her check are fast. And her rat's a dream. Skirt is of the latest mode From the tailor shop She ran amble llkr a toad With a fancy hop. So you see them come and go If you will but look. And it beats a three-ring show Or a fairy book. "Why not gratify your eye with the cheering view? Others may In passing by Split their sides at you. Out of the Game. "Lend a hand, Hiram, and help ketch the selectman's pig." "Let the selectman ketch his own pig. I'm out of politics for good." HI&L-1' 1118 W? SHE HOLDS IT UP TO THE WIFE WHO SNUBS HER HUSBAND'S FRIENDS. "M'S DKAIJ, here comes a man ant you to meet." r'our husband said It to you as the stranger tame near. 'I don't think I care to," you answer ed, when it was too late to avoid the introduction. With your ungracious words in his ears, your husband floundeis tluougli the formality. And jou do not help him. Wit hthe stonies face and an Infin itesimal bow -that indicates a seveie spinal malady, you acknowledge the presentation And that is all ou do. It seems al most as If ou took a malicious delight in letting the two men be miserable. They are that, jou tan be sure The situation is fiendishly disagieeable. Your husband tries to make up for jour frigidity and becomes an effusive and perspiiing Imbecile. He feels a desire to kick himself for being made the victim of the difficulty only a little less strong than his wish to swear at jou. v He knons the man is thinking you aie a snob. And he believes he is doubting his common sense. Your hus band does not blame him for that! He doubts it himself, after this exposition of how absolutely lacking in courtesy and consideration for him jou can be. v'hat makes jou do if Yoiir hus band wants to be pioud of ou But Imw can he when ou bthac like a half-tutored, had-disrosltloncd child. Something alKjut ll.r man does not please jou. Ills clothes ale loud, or his ni-nm r is bad Lut should that make an difference to ou3 If voni husband introduces him, it is o.ir duty to accept him as the right prison foi tou to know U not d inc it, vou sceni to ji i us? jour hurband c f being deficient in the kind of protection he should give jou. And ou know verv well you would not treat a person who was not hp.r nessed to j'ou bv the bonds of wed lock so incunsiderate! Sometimes I think women look upon those same bonds as excusing them from any fur ther effort to be agreeable or polite to the man v. ho is tied. oi would have getted pleasantly any ore that a hdst ess Introduced to vou. Another man might have presented Consul, the train ed ape, and you w-culd have acted pleased. I nin not a bit afraid to 8av that I believe a good many of the desertion cabes whi;h end In the divorce court start with Hi5t this disposition of the v ifo to neglect the small courtesies and attentions to her husband that made her ii'l-rettlng before tliev were married. You cught to lemcmber that there are rlwaj-s othei women who arc not man-ied to him and who will take the trouble. "Friday" Fails to Put It Across Before Pay Day (Drawn for The Times.) BY C. A. VOIGHT GEC WHIZ.;EATIKIC IN S. IKICIOKIG Afl-OONO ALOME- RESTAUR A.NTS GIVCS MC A. PAIN. V ( VJISH I HAD A FRAU ) HOME EATS THAT'S WHAT ANt HOME LIKE VOU 3k ) I WANT IF I COOLP ONLV XSt I HAVE BlNKS ' ) f jfl A 6ET ONE CHANCE AT A CAU.Y, ( Ql S f,7 J TRUt-V HOME COOKED HEAL X) ylltS R'CHT MOW, 'p PIE HAPPyJ f THERE'S WOTHIN&TOIT 'OH, HOW MV HEART REARMS 1HERE VOU GO HOME TO A J FOR THAT HOME EATS THIKJC,) Fine. CAVOUT OF CAT1NS A HAVEN'T HAD A REAL I AMD I HAVE To SPCMD ) jTX .PlKJNER SINCE I WCMt Lit THRCE 0R POOR DOUAR-s A C ' 52b YRounD to bill's ) Wj 3-OME PUNK- J STTTt-oJ tAST SUMMED y- vY& , ri AVRestaurant "slL?' AhC ZfL ' N S GUESS rct5UDEL f "THERE'S SOME V-N. ij s I HOME 31NKS- WIPE'S GINKS IN THIS WORLD. fe V 1 tniuKirp HAVE Tur ANNABEC. WHO J 9l3Al xOgg TonrcKT-vol sore Ls on anpV, fl a . && "H 'AVE you heard, Bilkins? Lillian I've got a little boy now. He's the second. I wanted .a boy the first time, but Lillian the other one's a girl, you know. "I think he looks like me, but Lillian is inclined to think he favors her father. Of course, there's always a difference of opinion in these matters, and she may be right. I don't believe there ever was a finer youngster. And candidly, Bilkins, I think he looks like me. But Lillian " 'Lillian,' I said, 'I could almost swear he looks like me. Look at that nose,' I said. 'Look at those eyes, and I believe his hair is going to be the same identical copper shade as mine. I think he looke like me,' I said. "Butv Lillian " 'He's the living image of my father,' she said, 'and he takes after my side of the family in every feature. Don't know what you can be think ing about, Henry,' she said. 'I felt just like saying, "Why, papa!" when I saw him for the first time,' she said. "Of course, Bilkins, she may be right. It's so hard to tell who babies really look like, because of the great difference of opinion, but I could -have sworn "I wanted to name him Henry, after me, you know. But Lillian I rather think we'll name him Judson. That's Lililan's father's name. Personally, I don't care much for the name, but she that'll probably be what we'll call him. "'Lillian,' I said, 'I really think we ought to call him Henry 1 was named after my father, I said to her, 'and I don't think we ought to drop it this way. As his father,' I said '"Besides," I said, 'Judson is a peculiar name, and I don't think the boy would like it. The other boys will be calling him Jud.' I said, 'and just think how that will sound. It will mortify the boy,' I said. 'But Henry,' I said. 'Henry is a good, well-known name, and he'll like it. I can just hear his little playmates calling him "Hen," just as they used to call me,' I said to her. "But Lillian as I say, we'll probably call the baby Judson." Spinster Aunt's Advice T"E:R Spinster Aunt: I am a spinster - mj&elf, by the iaj, a real old maid, havin? passed the rubicon of thirtj- and havlns Ions' Rince been rele gated to a back seat in our household. And that is the cause of mj writing to jou, for It is, jou know, alwajs easier to ask adviie from some one outside of the family circle, to whom our identltj Is not known, than of those whose point of view Is warped bj" personal feeling. In other words, dear fellow spinster, after having been a real old maid for some years, I have fallen in love, quite really and trulj- In love, with a doctor who Is about four years older than I. We are matter of fact over it, for one doesn't have quite the same idea of love at thirty-three that one has at eighteen. Nevertheless it is love born of a com munity of intesesls In common But here Is the point. The familj-, including mj- j-ounger sister, and my mother, hae ridiculed my "romance" till they have robbed It of all Its sacredness. Thev are indignant at the Idea of a woman of m- age marrjlng. Of course I feel that I would add to it bj- running awaj- like a child, but the doctor is furious, so am I. and we are both hurt and sore about it all. What shall I do? OLD ilAID ilj- dear fellow spinster, w hat I should do would be to announce quite quletlj- to the familj that 1 was en gaged to the doctor, send a mall po lice to the societj- columns and plan and make all arrangements for a sma" wedding at the rectorj- of jour church Then if thej oppose, remind theri that if thev consider jou too old to marrj j-ou are tertainlj- too old to b dictated to. I don't blame either jou or the do tor for being angrj. A woman Is noi p the less a woman because she is thirt three, and love which comes at tha time is far bigger and liner than tne elusive pa'sions of a joung girl I think elopements are alwajs foo" ish, but if the familv keep up their attitude I should simplj- be married at once and tell them about it afterward Winter Rain Is His Pet Aversion Rain in winter I detest. I could tell If I were pressed Just the wherefore and the why That such weather I decrj'- Out of season anj-waj-: Out of reason, I should saj-. Coming, cold and wet and raw. With its rude midwinter thaw. Down it comes without a check. Have to wade it to your neck. You must almost twim the flood. Mixed with floating ice and mud. All your garments are in soak. And your throat begins to choke. Bitter doses j-ou must sip. For it leaves j-ou with the grip. Then next day your stars jou bless. As it hardens more or less. If your feet don't fly the track, Landing you upon your back, Or go skating on j'our car. And ridiculous appear. While the stars above you glow As a grand electric show. i Rain Is useful, I admit. In the spring we welcome it. In the summer time I must Credit It for lajing dust. But in winter, bless mj- ejes, I can never learn to prize Anj'thing as cold and raw As the rain that brings the thaw. Pet Superstitions. Something fluttered helplessly across the room; then, flying blindly in another direction, beat Its little wings helpless ly against a mirror. "Oh. oh!" screamed the woman, leap ing up: "drive It out, Joe: drive it outl" "It's nothing but a bird," he pro tested. "A bird," she wailed. "Oh. a bird! Get a broom and kill it "Don't vou know- it's frightfully bad luck for a bird to fly across the room? FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S HAIR. .. i-S K "Women make some pretty trtrn uses of their hairpins " "Yes. sometimes- they use them for hairpins ' No Demand for Them. Kmrker Everything is governed by the law of supply and demand Bocker Then w':o demands tl-e Christmas thingumbobs the girls make us? Her Conscience. Little Bessie Mamma, how'H I know when I'm naughty? Mother Your conscience will tell you, dear. Little Bessie I don't care about whAt it tell me will It tell you? Narrow Minded. "Booker is awfully narrow, isn t l' "Narrow Isn't the name for it Sa' he asked me j-esterday if I believed Santa Claus belonged to anv ehur' r Amos Really Lacks Nerve to Bring Home a Blonde Drawn for The Times By Sherman MINNIE SAY3 TO rE TO BRING YOU HOMft ' : 1 I ; h II . 1 REPEAT ON i yC CL-S k TrWr" HOT Xy , , VV "V SODA THING -fejsA 4a6s& SHE WANT &SJ , n ' t VIFCV MINNIE WILL NEVER. LET YOU N WITHOUT THE SPOT. flUE HATES BLEACHED BLONDES AW COME WITM ME-, 'fA Wltl. f aij m&rr 1 MAKE. THAT g 1 SPOT YOUR V- '' -111- - J MASTLRPlECEr. - S V r V . J '