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Tlie Washington Timeg Magazine, Sunday, July 9, 19 11 A Burglarious Episode With a Garrison Finish o Drawn for The Washington Times By C. L. Sherm&n c WE'LL BE GONE ALL OPff PETE AND OUR vlOB IS TO WATCH THE HOUSE-, J 71 WW I u GUESS TLL LOOK THE 5HACK QVER- AND-SEE F EvERYTHinia 3 OKs. J Pi op- TUiT vfmn rwi-Mi im i 5TICK HERE UNTIL A.MOS tunto ftnu J ntlN TtLL rur. ntLP, V - THE VACATION PROBLEM And How It Should Be Solved by Reason BY PEGGY VAN BRAAM -, ; ' J T f rOM RUMY-DONT YOU T KNOVV MY SHOES WHEN AV - - IVOU SEE.EM)jr ' && s 00-00-0000'.!! C C. x'vjQ-' ?Jfe AMOS! HELP!!! . T T J2& E ' J - BUR-6URGLE- JFh, - 'TTTI 4 w 11 In y(jt I I I i fxx-rjrjnrr . ByJAMES H. MAMMON Drawn (or Tbe Wublilncton Timet. ALGY WILLIE, THE WATERMELON SWIPE. PUTS ONE OVER HALF incoherent letter, blurred with tears, telling of the stress under which it was written, has come to me from a young wife pleading that I settle for her the question as to whether "selfishness about vacation" is really a cause for a woman to leave her husband. "Every year since I was a little girl," she writes, "I have spent my summers at one resojt, and I know every one there and always have a perfectly splendid time. This year I determined, because it was the first summer we have been married, to stay in town and only go away for Hal's two weeks, and now now, after all that, he says he won't ko there. "Says he doesn't want to stay 'dressed up' all the time, and what is more, that we cannot afford it, although I know he has several hundred dollars saved up in the bank. "Is it fair? Don't you think that if the two weeks are to be my vacation too, that I ought to have something to say? I can't do as he so cruelly suggests and 'go without him,' because it would look so funny, and I'm so disappointed that I feel as if I ought to end every thing right now. Won't you tell me what to do?" What to do? I wonder how many times wives have cried out that same question when the vacation plans first came up for dis cussion. How many men, do you suppose, are1 standing aghast at the prospect of tears and reproaches or two weeks at an expensive resort, where expensive clothes, expensive hotels and still more expensive amusements tempt hundreds of women, bringing their husbands in their trains? How many wives, when vacation is discussed, realize that the expense of the little home, the rent and taxes and caretaker's fees, are running on, that washing and tips and "incidentals" will double the hotel bill and leave them woefully in debt, since they cannot afford to live in such fashion; and how many realize that while a wife un doubtedly needs a rest almost as much as a man, she does not get it in such a place? Xor, by the way, is it on her shoulders the post vacation burden of debt will fall. The foolish little wife who wrote to me ought to be planning a trip to some place where the very lack of outside interests, save, per haps, the. passing intimacy of pleasant strangers, will bring her and her husband closer together a trip that might send them home rested and more in love, and with the pleasant feeling that they have not touched that balance in the bank That is the kind of vacation worth while, the kind that the aver age husband sighs for But the wives will, nevertheless, undoubtedly keep the big resorts going, won't they? THE STAGE DOORKEEPER "I eo that the White Rats are goin' great-great-grandparents to as fine a to bell the managerial cat." ea!d the j swarm of young vermin as ever de-tnge-struck youth. iserted a slnkin' ship. our eyesight's keen." grunted the ..The kl(, was for gom. Jn (he bug, stage door keeper, "and maybe they'll ne .and rnlsin' 'em fnr th mnrkrt succeed in doin' it and. tfiei again, j and x told hlm ,t wasn-t necessary, as cM.e wie um iuv Hue nut they. wouid do the raisin' themselves. a strong organization. prooaDiy geum , ..j Ptood for lt all that summer but ii-, Mientsui iruiH iu, imuir ..ic "a.i finally had to draw the line It was boj once hnd a pair of 'em and was rJ ht u ... r b . fi d . , thtt strong that I had to make him Ueep 'em In the bar'r'rn May Do Some Good "However, their constant gnawing at the situation may do some good, and the managers may come to time and ghe 'em what they are klckln' for. There Is- one thing that the managers have got to take into consideration, and That Is that the organization Is grow In' and why shouldn't lt. with that name-' I was tellln' you that the boy bad a pair of them. Well, I stood for the pair, 'cause they were lnterestln' little beasts, but somebody must have told 'em about the Rooseveltlan poli cies It wasn't much moro'n a month after the ouuple came to live with us that the kid called me and Introduced me to their family. They was cute lit tle rascals, and I couldn't bear to do "tm any har'r'rm. And before the sum mer was over, the original couple was Jlin" in the toes of mv shoes and com ing down town asleep in my pockets and getting mixed up wit' my pipe to bacco. Sent Them South "So, when the kid was over vlsltln" his aunt, I sent the rat family south. It was a long, damp proceeding, but successful. "But, as I w-as about to say, the White Rats is a strong organization and is Inclined to increase. Nearly every vodevil performer in the country belongs. But they are makin' a mis take, if they don't take the dime mu seum freaks." "Why?" asked the stage-struck youth. "Say," said the S D. K., "didn't you ever notice the similarity in the eyes and hair cf the albinos to the original white rats? They might make the or ganisation stronger." T Our Grocery Clerk Says, Pretty Smart Take it from the handy little pure food dispenser, when the boss does a thing, he does lt well. That man ought to will his brain to the scientists when he dies No wonder he wears a seven and a-half hat Look in this cash drawer. Did you ever see so many pennies In one place in your life' The boss ordered 'em straight from the mint, and there's more when these give out. There's three stages to the process. Stags No. 1- Customer comes in, buys and gets about ten pennies in her change Stage No. 2: Customer walks out the door and sees the new chew ing gum slot machine staring her in the face before she's had time to dump the pennies in her pocketbook. Stage No. 3: Customer slips a couple of the pennies In the slot, to get rid of them, and develops a taste for our special brand of gum. Bad, what? Those Who Read Will Laugh Indeed ENGLISH JOKE FOR TODAY "Well, what would you have me wear?" asked the indignant wife. He had let a laugh out. "A crinoline or a full skirt like they wore In the year one? Would you have your wife out of the fashion? You've no sense of fitness." "And you, my dear," he murmured, "you've no sense of fatness." The Pink Un. -, mm ; i A r k$ iL gr-vwy.. f&.ifm,J '. ifc a. ? II ik 3L ! I 4 o f- 'Che J & j mil II 1L it. iB MAMIE TELLS BELLE Now That the Authors Don't Have to Struggle NOVELS HAVE CHANGED OMEHOW or other, Belle, they don't write book like they used to. I think it s because they pay literary men real wages now and hold dinners in their honor, instead o' lettin' 'em starve in garreU and takin' up collections among the school children when they're dead to build monuments to their memory. It seems hard on the authors, Belle, but literary lions, as the s'ciety women love to call them whea they show 'em off at their afternoon teas, are just like ord'nary Roosevelt lions it don't do to give 'em too much to eat if you want 'em to go through their tricks right. But nowadays, as soon as the publishers find out a man can write at all. thev in sist on givin' him real wages, just the same as if he worked for a livin'. Five cents a word, even for the little words, ain't considered much at all for a story that'll fit any assortment o' Harrison Fisher picture!. Xo wonder the authors can't resist the temptation to dictate a thou sand short words to their stenographers before and after meals instead o' retirin' to the garret on an empty stomach and chewin' their pen holders for three days and then givin' the world a couple o' pages o classic litcr'ture that anybody can understand if on'y they put enough t - time on it. The Faster the Richer As it is. Belle, they lean back in their Morris chairs puffin' on a twen'y-fi' cent cigar and rattle off six chapters o' their latest novel as fast as the girl at the typewriter can wiggle her fingers. Every time they open their mouths it means fi' cents, so, o' course, they don't waste any time over long words, and repeat the short ones as many times in one sentence as they think the publishers'll stand for. It's easy, once they get the knack of it. Some of 'em devote the whole book to little love conversations between the hero and the heroine. The easiest way is to write a lot o' conversations like that and then juggle 'em up and let each one stand for a chapter, just so the last one, o' course, ends with him drawing her, unresistin', to him It's wonderful, Belle, how many diffrent ways "then" can work il one sentence, if they're any good at it at all, knowin' that each timf they use it it's worth a quarter more to them. Yes, Belle, I thinl we'll have to have a big financial panic before our next crop i classic litcr'ture drops down from the garrets. CHIMMIE'S HISTORY Loretta's Looking Glass SHE HOXiDS XT TJP TO TKS MAN QUESTION Most kids wood like the Forth of July to happln evry weak pritty neer, so they cood bern thare. fingers and make awl the noize they wantld to evln if a cop was standing rite awn the next payment looking at them. But if you ask them wy the Forth of July is selebrated, they Jest say. I dont no, and neether they do. I gess they Jest think Its selebrated to give them a chanse to fire awf kannln krackirs and awl. Tou wood think that going to skool and awl they wood no the Forth of July was the day awl the grate men of this kuntry got togethlr and slned the Decklara shun of Independlnce, with was sutch a grate thing Its werth making a noize about every yeer. An Instance Freckles Harrigan was shooting awf fire krackers last Forth of July, wlch was about a weak ago. and I sed. Ture making an orfull lot of noize and awl. Freckles, but I bet you dont no wy yure doing it, awl rite, do you. Sure I do, sed Freckles, Im doing- lt to have fun, and if enyboddy tried to stop me theyd find out sumthlngjje sed. Thats awl you no, I sed. La-eg befoar you was evir born the Dek- I tarasnun or independlnce was sled jand befoar that people dident ein Ino how to make fireworks mutch fes fire them awf. If the Decklarashn of Independlnce had never bin slid, ; you mite still be a Ignerlnt Indiun I sed. Go awn with yure old lesslns, td Freckles Harrigln, and dont you kli me no Ignerlnt Indiun. And he got so exslted he let a fo kracker go awf In his hand and thh blamed it awn me, and I told him e was krazy, wich he was, and he dldgt say nuthlng bekaus I licked him uno and cood do it agen. Thare wasent as mutch fun lat Forth of July tho as thare uet to b, on akkount of awl the papers showiiy pixtures of kids beelng blew up ail awl and peeple thawt they mite mea thare kids and woodent give thet mutch muny for fire krackirs. I gess peeple dont think as mutch f the Decklarashun of Independlnce a: wat they ust to, wlch is a shattn an awt not to be aloud. AGAIN and again, and yet again. I have been asked, dared, taunted, teased, nagged, pecked at, pulled on, pawed over, boosted, bullied, both ered, hectored, harangued, anathema tized and besought to say something on the MAN QUESTION. So I say the MAN QUESTION IS THE WOMAN QUESTION. I None of you want me to talk of the ' men in their relations, their treatment, their meaning to EACH OTHER. It Is always what and who and why they are or act toward GIRLS. I have re- aside or missed the broadening influ ence of love and marriage. And love and marriage have the one gateway the MAN. And yet you girls. In your hearts conscious that you too crave the best for yourselves, set up that silly, cheap, little barrier of sex-pride. With a blithering Idiocy that makes one want to crack your silly head with a ruler to try to knock some breadth of comprehension into it, you do not prepare for the career which you all proached you girls for your disloyalty, want. Yes, you do. Nature has some your flagrant impositions on each other.j sense, if' you have not. She MAKES most of your shortcomings inspired by you want what is good for her work! Neglected "There doesn't seem to be so much agitation about spelling reform." "Nope," replied Farmer Corntossel. "I reckon a lot o' fellers lost interest. . v,lE.h vnr-nHnn eh. nto . ,. . . .1. I ..... ...O" .-, ...... ...VO ...w. the presence of a masculine Interest In the part you play. Thero is forever and always the MAN in every girl or woman question. The Ideal of Man I am positive in the conviction that men are singularly dependent upon women. WOMAN represents the ideal! of MAN". Every time a girl falls short Then you, with your mother's help, learn the piano and painting and how to wear your clothes, all to appeal to the ears and the eyes of MAN. And, after In It when they found lt was about the i less good more unbelieving and pre only kind of reform that didn't lead to pares for herself one of the curses tha no cnance oi gettin an ornce." Why -Not?' Willie Mamma, you hire a woman to do your washing for you, don't you? Mamma Yes. Willie Then I don't see why I can't hire a little boy to take my baths for me. Was Bad Diner Walter, kindly remove this egg. Waiter What shall I do with It, sir? Diner I think you'd better wring its neck. come home to roost. I do honestly believe that there can be, in the present state of our develop ment, no very satisfactory acompllsh ment of either man or woman with out each other. The unmarried woman who comes to very complete and benefi cent growth is the exception rather than the rule. And those who have attained the most unquestioned suc cess have done lt through the altru istic exercise of their mother-spirit. The average unmarried woman comes to a time when she gets undlgnifledly man-crazy. If she Is strong, sho goes on a lonely, half-sorrowful way. re- ' ' rnJhO, .?, ( "Wtl , W ' COl-D 1 f : .cpy &x awt m n rKunz you. uni ks r m vfOK. thptm ; A . ' J a plank. He quickly fashioned it into a shad, bo that's why planked shad came into vozue. But when eatinir lt gretting In her heart that she had put ' be careful of the splinters. you have caught him with the trap of your superficial 'attractions, you complain because you "have no time to keep up your accomplishments".! How can you have time to play the piano when, like a short-sighted child, you never learned to do THE WORK WITHOUT WHICH NO HUMAN CAN EXIST with neatness, lack of worry and dispatch. And you girls idealize about what a man should be. Let me toll you. men would be a good deal more and better If you MADE YOURSELVES AS DE-, SIRABLE AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. Deliberate Neglect It maddens me to see how women, the high priestesses of tha place that 1 positively the ONLY ESSENTIAL PLACE TO THE WELFARE OF HU MANITY, the HOME, deliberately ne glect to learn how to RUN THE IN STITUTION. If you girls would learn that thoroughly, applying and perfect ing all the wonderful advantages of modern invention in your work, you would Indeed have your hands upon the lever that moves the world. Rock ing the cradle Is merely one of the Incidentals of your possible power. Girls, this MAN QUESTION is so certainly the WOMAN QUESTION that it is time for xpu to take a reef in your folly of catering to the worst in the masculine make-up If you want to secure the BEST FCJR YOURSELVES. I am glad you all NAGGED me Into llcr tied no ft IT1 ..1l haaff nnr? He wanted to buy a bowl of gold-J a nead not unversed m the wayl of fish for his mothers birthday. He the world, whlohare tha ways of the couldn't find any in the market, soimen and women in It, I have spoken, he. went to the lumber yard and bought ! I have honestly written as I have in every line of mine you have read what Humor's Best of Quip and Jest WHEN NOAH WAS A BOY 3i5iS)3 '! "J I believed was for the good of my own precious sex, the WOMEN! GOD BLESS 'EM! ENTITLED TO THEM After the new arrival had register ed the hotel clerk looked down the page and read: "Jeremiah Great Chap, XXXX. Skeezixvllle." "What do all the X's mean after your name?" queried the clerk. "That means a lot," explained the new arrival. "Tm ex-school director, ex-townshlp trustee, ex-county com missioner and ex-mayor, see?" Something Lacking Londoner (to Pat, seeing a football game for the first time) What do yon think of It, Pat? Pat Begorra, it ud be a Jewel of a game if they only had sh ticks! Could Swear Some Old Lady Does either of you boys use naughty words? First Kid Well, I ain't much of a hand at lt, but Bill here kin cuss fine. The Peach Or The Limit; Or, Which? The bracing western air fanned hi bronzed cheek as he waited for tho train. He was in cowhide boots, a wld sombrero and a peculiar predicament. The girl he was to marry was oa be Asking Too Much Cecil Do you think you could happy with a man like me? Ethel Perhaps; if he were not too jnuch like you. A Puzzle Now, if It's wrong to steal things, pray tell me, if you please. How, thon, can a photographer , take everything he sees? Some wife have And Then Yeast Does your last word? Crimsonbeak The last word? she has the last hundred or so! the Say, that speeding train. And he had never seen her. He had never even seen her picture. They had been betrothed through a matrimonial agency that gave no guarantees, and, though her letters- had been perfectly sweet, the (man with the sombrero had no knowl edge of her personal attractions. She might be a peach. She might be the limit. Toot! Toot! The train pulled Into the station. Two passengers alighted. One was a peach, a dream, an oh-you-kld. The other was the limit. Her clothes didn't even fit her Trie cow boy breathed hard and trembled. What should he do, run for his life, or take a chance on the peach? Slowly he ap proached the waiting young women. What Did 'She Mean? He I thought you preferred the at tention of Cholly. She Not by any means. You ar Just as welcome as he to call. Why, he Is the worst bore I know. m is RDP THE- FftR cWST'. K (which) iraa r Mb? r v. i mi iii it 'trtam w til ftee.i '.) V. pouc&m PRRE RIDDLE TDDAT IF THE- PUSHCAR.T IS STOueM WILL THE- HUCIC-ST6R. UP ANY TROUBLE? S ' - ' ' J mmwm . tbwi mammvmm use i . ?r'wmwBm - ftrCAvMHMttvi jr.