The Washington times. [volume], August 03, 1911, LAST EDITION, Image 10

About The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939

Image provided by: Library of Congress, Washington, DC

                
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Tke W afhington Ti meg Mag
Tkuroday
, August 3, 1911
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Pete Will Stand for No Summer Flirtation
Drawn for The Washington Times
By C. L. Sherman
AWFUL? F
TVE OFTEN THOUGHT IF I EVER.
TELL FOR THE MATRIMONIAL
LBUNK A 6L0ND WOULD B? .
3
.i.
WHAT A NICE LITTLfc
DOG. DOES HE KNOW)
r M
1 ANY TRICKSf
HF HAS AVERAGE"
INTELLIGENCE-
MEyA SOUVENIR. I
POSTAL CARD,
i, I
f AVERAGE- INTELLIGENCE!
MATRIMONIAL BUNK!! J
(I'LL FIX HIM. V
:-c
M IGIVE IT TO THE-I I '.
ill Lt-DV PETE-? J I
I
l-YOUR, LOVING ) " T1 ;
WIFE -MINNIE"- !
LTHE WRETCH. J
V jif$Mn n r i
Adventures
IN
Married Life
The Kitchen Shelf
That Reconciled
The Manns
n
ENTAL poise and high ideals," said the Little Old
Lady, "equability of temper and those other pet
essentials of the pyschologist do wonderfully well
for the theoretical harmonious marriage, but as
long as husbands and wives are only men and
women and temperamentally different, married life
will have its squabbles and tiffs. But, there's noth
ing like the doing of the little services for each
other necessitated by living together to develop to
its fullest extent the evanescent nature of most
connubial quarrels.
"Why," continued the Little Old Lady, "the
makinc of a flower shelf at their dinincr room win-
dow Drought harmony to the Howard Manns,
when a quarrel had left them not speaking for over a week. The
Manns weren't any worse about tiffs than most of the couples down
our street. Their disagreements didn't mean that they were not suited
for each other or life together incompatible. Their domestic jars came
entirely from the fact that Gertrude was hasty of speech and quick of
temper and that Howard was not slow to express a candid opinion
and his angry passions were prone to rise. Their quarrels usually
tSte(L 'onger tan most married quarrels do because, unfortunately,
7 no cren through whom they could pave an easy way back
to harmony and peace. Children are accommodating articles on which
to hang one's pride when a matrimonial tempest is over and one
doesn't want to express regret or beg pardon for the things said.
But the Howard Manns had to say outright or tacitly confess that
they regretted the tiff and wanted to make up again. That's why it
took them so much longer.
A Really Serious Difference
'This time," said the Little Old Lady. "It looked as if a really
enous difference was to develop from a trivial thing. Howard had
saved 1500 coupons from his tobacco purchases, and for this number
he could get as premium a music cabinet or a wonderful fishing rod.
'Oh, Howard,' said Gertrude, 'get the music cabinet. I'm so ashamed
of that old rack it looks just horrid over there.' 'H'm,' said Hpward.
A music cabinet wouldn't do me any good. I think I'd like that rod.'
'But you've got one rod,' said Gertrude, 'and you never use it but
once a year, and I'd get use out of the cabinet every day.' 'Well.'
replied Howard, 'haven't you got a music rack already, and since I
saved the coupons it seems what I get should be for me.' 'Yes,' re
torted Gertrude, 'and if you hadn't smoked so many cigarettes you
could have bought a music cabinet ten times over for me!' The dis
pute waged fast and furious, and finally ended with a declaration from
Gertrude: Tf you bring home that old fishing rod, I'll never speak to
you again as long as you live!' To which Howard hotly answered:
"If you feel that way about it, you can stop speaking right now!'
"And," said the Little Old Lady, "stop Gertrude did. She spoke
no word that night, and Howard ate his breakfast in silence and alone
the next morning, while Gertrude busied herself cleaning the front
part of the house. At night, when Howard got home, he found his
dinner piping hot on the table but Gertrude had gone next door.
"This went on for almost a week. Each heartily tired of the cold
ness between them, but both too proud to speak the word that would
break the ice, and each in heart bearing just a little resentment toward
the other because silence was still maintained. Saturday Howard came
home at noon to find a note, for the laundress ostensiby, on the door
with the information that Gertrude had gone over to her mother's to
spend the day. A cold lunch was on the table for him. He had made
a vain attempt to eat, but gave it up for his paper. The other part of
the house seemed so deserted and desolate, he came back to the dining
room to read, and cocked his chair against the make-shift shelf at the
window, which Gertrude had devised for her house plants. One move
on his part, and down came the shelf, plants gold fish and all, in a
clutter on the floor. 'Gemini Christmas, I've done it now!' he said,
'that's what I get for not fixing that shelf when I was asked. Guess
I'd better get busy and clean up some of this mess I' He put the gold
fish to swim in the punch bowl, and got the plants reset in a sort of a
fashion in new crocks from the cellar. Then he looked at the shelf
and the wonderful way in which Gertrude had constructed it 'Can
you beat that?' he said, with a grin; 'No wonder I upset it. Ain't that
just like a woman? Not a nail in the darn thing, and leveled up with
pieces of newspaper! So he got out his tools and began to construct
a new shelf and gradually, as he worked, doing her service, tender
thoughts of Gertrude, bred first of his amusement of her ineffectual
carpentry, and then of his own tenderness for her, crept into his mind
and before he knew i all bitterness had vanished from his mind.
Just as the shelf was finished his wife came in. 'Hello, Trudie I've
sure smashed things up out here! To which his wife made enthusi
astic reply: 'Oh, Wardie, you dear, you've built me my shelf!'
Amity Once More
"The dinner Gertrude cooked that night was made up chiefly of
things Howard liked. After it was over Gertrude said: 'I guess I
don't want that cabinet after all.' 'I'm glad of that,' said he. 'For I
was just thinking I could sell them to Tommy Allen for cash, and use
the money to start a bow window in the dining room for the gold
fish and the plants!'
"I like that kind of a man," said the Little Old Lady, as she fin
ished. "So do I," I replied. But my mind, with tender gratefulness,
was busy with thoughts of an entirely different one one who ham
mered in nails and did little services for me.
Uncorked From a
Bottle of Humor
IN THE FUTURE
"The president has a military aid
and a naval aid "
"That gives me an Idea. I wonder If
I can get appointed as his aerial aid?"
Suspicous
Widow Is yo' sho yo' lubs meT
Sammy Cohse I'se sho.
Widow (suspiciously) Yo' ain't los"
your Job, Is yo'?
She Was a Treasure
"The duke calls me his treasure. Do
you think he really means that?"
"Why shouldn't he mean It, Mabel?
Tou have a million dollars for him,
haven't you?"
Waves From a
Witty Atmosphere
TO SAVE TIME
Adeline He's one of those men who
won't take "No" for an answer.
Maude Then what will you say If he
proposes?
Adeline I shall say 'Tea."
Antique
"Is this antique authentic?"
"Why, monsieur, I can show you the
bill of sale from Isaac Gobmuller, of
Vienna, who manufactured It."
Enjoys It Then
"There Is one time of year when I
really enjoy work."
"And when is that?"
"For two or three days after com
ing back from vacation."
Family History
Teacher What lasting event occurred
on the Fourth of July?
Johnnie Father signed the pledge.
Down to Business
"But how much will it cost to bring
this suit?"
"How much have you?"
Br JAMES
H.HAMMON
ALGY
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Mamie
TELLS-
Belle
No Doubt About It,
Public Opinion is a
Great Force
OMPARED to the power o' public opinion, Belle,
the power that your conscience exerts over you it
about as strong as a glass o' boardin' house ice tea.
The fear o' what people'll say about 'em and what
people'll think about 'em has kept more men from
comin' out to mail letters in their shirt sleeves and
suspenders than you have any idea of.
It kept me from eatin a third plate o' the best
ice cream ever made the other night They
cert'nly know how to make ice cream at Schneider
mann's, Belle, and the other night it it I wai
goin' to say it just melted in your mouth, but we'll
let it go at that.
?-CtVCD-S.?w a man take so Io"S over his icc cream in my life, Belle
while Bill was,finishin' his I had another plate. Even after I'd fin
ished that Bill was still workin' over his first, but when he said
Have some more, Belle?" I said, "Why er no, I guess not"
Even Controls the Consumption of Ice Cream
Not that I didn't want mor- TIU. Th mnr T it. f,
wonderful ice cream the deeper the cavity felt that needed chillin',
but when I d ordered the second plate I thought I heard the people at
the next table giggle, and I didn't want to take any chances on a third.
think?
'
Go on, Mame," says Bill. "What do you care what people
Huh! I says, takin' a peep at the next table they all had their
eyes on me, Belle "I don't care a rap for what anybody thinks. I
don t want any more, Bill, that's all. I I had enough." It was a
terrible lie, Belle.
And I didn't get another plate, Belle, though my very soul was
cryin out for it, and it's all an example of how the power o' public
opinion has changed hist'ry. It's a good thing in most cases, too.
My iron constitution, f'r instance, might not 'a' been able to hold up
against that third plate, and I'd 'a' reported sick the next mornin', all
because I disregarded the voice o' public opinion.
Still, Belle, the man that pays too much attention to public
opinion will never get anywhere that some other man hasn't been
first. Just before Washin'ton crossed the Delaware the Colonial
Collar Bone prob'ly printed two-column letters from subscribers
tellin' some o' the things that ought to be done to Washin'ton for
darin' to think 'o plungin' his soldiers into sure death. But he crossed.
Belle, didn't -he? And Fourth o' Julys are still bein' celebrated,
ain't they?
ACCORDING TO SAMMY
Loretta's Looking Glass" At,ERFROM veronica
j Haha, sed pop, last nlte, look at
I mothlr reeding the spoarting page.
I Wat are you doing, mothlr, he sed,
I giving a lmltaahun of a fan.
i Yure so funy, sed ma, that sumtimes
I Its axually awl I can do to keap frum
smiling. I may no moar about base
, bawl than you think I do, she sed,
' even If I'm not awl the time tawklng
about it the way you do. I don't
haff to go erround tawklng about wat I
no awl the time, she sed.
Slppose you tel us sum of the things
you no about basebawl, sed pop.
Slppose you tell us how a gaim is
played, he sed.
It's Eezy
Sertenly, sed ma. A baby cood play
it. its so eezy, she sed, and the moar
I reed about It the moar It sirprizes
me that full grown men waist thare
time awn it.
Well, go awn. sed pop, explane how
a gaim is played, if its so eezy.
Thares r.o hury, is thare. sed ma.
O, no. no pertlckuler hury. sed pop,
ony I thawt you noo how a gaim is
played.
I do, sed ma. I do no how a gaim is
played, and I wood of told you long
ago if you ha" -t of interrupted so
are 3 men awn the
i -- EAR LORETTA: I would like
II very much to know why you
are always match-making and
ki up matrImony. Do you really
think that matrimony is the only
thing a woman was created for? I
have come to the conclusion that you
are 'an old maid who wants a help
mate and would gladly accept any-
vuiug- mai wears trousers.
"VERONICA."
Tour cheerful stab in the back
might reach my heart, Veronica. 1
I am an old maid, pining with the
loneliness of the unmated, made de
spondent by the sense of unfulflll
ment, you may be driving the barb of
your feminine Jab very deep indeed.
Anything in Bifurcated Attire
Old maidenhood, like city limits,
has clearly marked lines. According
to the old time schedule, I am an old
maid. Computing by the modern, I
have still a few years to go on. But
I am keeping a weather eye open for
"the right man." And he must not
only wear trousers; but he must have
the "doublet and hose in his disposi
tion." But just ANYTHING in bifur
cated attire will not do, so you
needn't express the scarecrow from
your village berry patch. I have a
few scarecrows to choose from with
out paying expressage I know you
would send him C. O. D.
Listen, Veronica. A tiny seed fell
In a hole in the ground. In sun and
shine It grew. And then It bloomed.
Tho flower was a blessing. It glad
dened the wearied gaze of work
strained eyes. It nodded its sweet
head with a message of hope, of
promise. Other weary work-filled
years might come; but other blos
soms still would' bloom. Hope sang
tn heavy hearts and lifted them.
Then, Nature's marriage was cele
brated. And the promise that the
nodding blossoms gave was fulfilled.
The other flowers for coming years
were assured.
' Flowers and humans follow the
i same great nature law. If they are
healthy, wholesome blossoms. Mar
riage is the hope route of the future.
Along it men and women move. From
it come the buds of promise. There
need not be a wholesale crop, either.
Any florist regards the production of
a few high-type specimens as of more
Humor Steals From
Third to Home
ENGLISH JOKE FOR TODAY
A cobra was killed when 'crossing a
road, by a motorcar running over It.
Really, cobras should be more careful
I while crossing roads in Willesden,
where the accident occured. The Pink
'Un.
Sounded Funny
"Dad, can I take a postgraduate
course In biology?"
"That depends, daughter," replied the
old man cautiously. "What do you
want to buy first?"
Reason for Gratitude
New Official Why should I give you a
Job? You worked for my opponent.
Applicant Sure! That's what queered
him!
For a Change
"Why do you call your toucan Taft?"
"Oh, just for a change from Big Bill."
service to the progress of his fiowef
culture than a fleld full of blights
and nubbins.
And happiness comes from serving
most and best. It seems to me the
marriage career gives a woman the
biggest chance.
I am going to keep up a knocking
and a tapping never equaled at tha
liveliest spiritualistic seance till I
thump tha lies and self-deceits, the
cowardice and the false notions that
keep girls from marriage of the right
kind into insensibility. I know it's a
large ambition. But lr I marry before
I get It done, I shall still keep at it
with the enlarged vision that experi
ence will give me. I shall do then
as I do now draw my information
from personal experience. This glit
tering generalization about the "way
things should be" derived from the
Idealized illogic of women who will
not see things as they are la not my
way.
A Pen-Prickly Sneer
And you, Veronica, have tacitly
acknowledged that you regard mar
riage as the best for a woman, too.
You have sneered a pen-prickly sneer
at me as an "old maid." But this fact
remains: Though every other mar
riage that you know fails, though
your self-deified common sense de
clares that matrimony is a mistake,
there is a great big natured propelled
truth hammering into you the unan
swerable fact that you still believe in
It. And if you are not married, or do
not marry, you'll go through life a
regular Miss Limpy-llmpy-lame-toe,
hobbling becaus you have not tho
other half of yourself the nature
prop and the soul stick on which to
lean and with which to travel for
ward I i
mutch. Vhares
bases, she sed.
Nuiuing of the kind, sed pop. Tharea
no men awn the bases at awl until the
ball is pitched and the playlrs hit it.
Of korse thare izent, sed ma. I thawt
you wood no a littil thing like that
yureself without me explanlng it. Im
jest telling you wat I no about the fine
points of the game, not evry littil dee
tale, she sed.
Wats Neckst?
Well, wat kums neckst, enyhow, aed
pop.
Aftlr the 3 men are awn bases, sed
ma, the man awn furst base makes a.
hoam run.
Yee gods and littil flahes, sed pop.
Also shades of Iran arm McGlnnuty.
The man awn furst bast makes a hoam I
run. Id hate to have wat you dont no '
about base bawl put in a book and
dropped awn my toe, he sed. How can '
the man make a hoam run if hea awn i
furst base, he sed.
Wy kant he, sed ma. Wy sent th
man awn furst base as good as enr
body else, Id like to no.
But pop put awn his hat and went out
then, and ma sed, I gess he wont tell
me I dont no enything about basebawl
agen In a hury.
One At a Time; Or,
Fen, He Cheated!
"I'm frightfully Borry," she said gen
tly, "but I cawn't marry you. You're
too big around the waist."
"Are you a sport?" he asked bruskly.
"I always pay my phllopena debts,"
she replied, "although I've never lost
yet."
"Well, then," he said, "race me for It.
We'll have a pea-eating race. If you
finish your peas, eating them one at a
time, before I finish mine, I'll say no
more about it; but if I finish first you
must marry me. Is it a go?"
"It la," she answered, and they fell
to, and for five minutes, high above the
chink of dishes and the sound of
..i.. h.in timrtAri rmiM be heard
the spearing of peas, taken one at a;
time his and ners.
She was much more expert than he
at the thing, but sdmehow or other he
won, and gamely nhe held out her finger
for the ring.
After fifteen years of married life the
, i-i nr-namont of his dressing ta-
ble is still the fifteen peas that he man
aged to slip into nis casn pocnei. iuai
memorable day. neatly preserved In
alcohol.
TO PUNISH HIM
nnrtP." said her husband's wife, "I
don't believe you have smoked one of
those cigars I gave you on your oirin-
day." . .
"That's right, my dear, repuea nis
wife's husband; "I am going to keep
thorn wxtu our Willie wants to learn to
smoke."
Our Grocery Clerk
Says, 'How Innocent
"I'm learning to economlie!"
That's what the little dimply bride
had the nerve to chirp to me this
morning.
"Is that so?" I says, makln' a mo
tion to pat her on the back and then
thlnkin' better of It. "Have you found
out how to make pies without dough?"
"No," she says, "I never heard of
that. I'm learning to economize In the
way I buy things."
"Here's where I apply the brakes,"
I thinks to myself, "or she'll be trying
to put something across on me."
"Now eggs, for instance," she says.
"I want to bake a cake, and all the
recipe calls for is the whites of four
eggs. So I'd like to buy Just the whites
of four eggs."
You could have knocked me down
with a ribless feather. But after grab
blng the vinegar barrel for support, I
managed to whisper to her that we
were all out of whites, but that we ex
pected a carload of pinks In a few
(OAtt HAS
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