The Washington times. [volume], September 12, 1911, LAST EDITION, Image 8

About The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939

Image provided by: Library of Congress, Washington, DC

                
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An J This Is Np Hay Fever Joke, Either
phavm for he Washington Times
By C L. Sherman
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II I bOTTA sieep out c doors ft - PHy y W KA-CHOO'.'. 1 , L ' H MlNUTfeWirlaE v PETE. J ft I MENTION
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ITHE REAL LOVE LETTERS
That He Received
Telling ike Plans
OF HIS BRIDE TO BE
By JAMES H. HAMMON
Drawn for Tbe Washington TlmjJ.
ALGY
LOST!!! ONE SUIT
OF CLOTHES
'
Si?
EAR This has been such a busy day for me. In
the morning I hemmed a dozen tea towels, which
Aunt Henrietta's generosity prompted her to send
to me with the announcement that she thought I
could make better use of them than she could, and
this afternoon I occupied my time on some new
bed linen, which mother gave me, and in em
broidering three doilies, ft is really wbnderful
how my linens are piling up, and won't, it surprise,
you to know that I actually have a trunk jammed
full of linorf, and linen that we will' actually need
and use. ,
No, dear, now don't laugh at the trunkful, be
cause it is not a man's trunkful. but a woman's, and
j tkat means that there are about three times as many pieces of linen in
tkt trtink as you imagine. You havet to admit that a' woman is the
onljrone who can really pack a trunk", and when she says it is full,
; wky, you know that nqthing more can be gotten into it.
It Wouldn't Seem the Same
J m Severalof the girls were up to the house this afternoon, but, out-
jj mitt of asking me all over again how it feels to be engaged, their
,. waversation would hardly interest you. Of course, they wanted to see
my lates additions in the linen line, and one of them wanted to help
e to Tiem and embroider, but well, it wouldn't seem the same if I
as much as allowed rhem to take a stitch, so I told them politely that
1 Tarted to do it all myself. And" so I do, dear, because I am doing it
Sot yop, and each stitch makes my heart beat faster and keeps up my
f4rit in this long wait for your return.
Why, already it seems ages and ages since you went away, and I
"Woaaer how I am able to stand the long wait, but then, when I think
: 1 hit trunkful of linen, of my cooking lessons and the many other
JijMK things that have to be done before we are married, I know what
i , Almost a Small Fortune
My bank account has bjeen increased $2.76, and now it seems to
W: akpost a small fortune. One actually doesn't know how foolish
afce formerly spent her money until she has tried to save. f
Dearest boy, your letter of today was such a tender little note, and
I realized kow hard it must be sometimes for you even t" 'write one
tkat lone But no matter how short thev art -if thr- Ivl-ii.c n
tlte aj3xe.-dmessage-)Qtloveas today's did, then I shall be satisfied.
mrJtTrjfK
miyy.
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I SW NH2 EDTOti- TDUKE-TO
HVfc. MT JOB BACK . HOW .
ABOUT IT OLD TOP?
I TOLD YOU I
r WOULDN'T STAND FOR
f THEM CLOTHES .DIDNT
1 FATHEAD ? II
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II 6.DITOR.
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if
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THE STAGE DOORKEEPER
began the
stage-sfruck . If he will only corner the claw market
for her.
In the first place there's more than
a million chorus girls In .New Yotk, I
know 'cause, I've counted 'em. Now fig
ure It out, each girl Is equal to a
lobster a jilght. If the escort Is game
he'll order one for himself, that's two.
m-t. I. -i...-.i .1.. O T X.- I
("Wiat does this penurious picayune icaac jei jrie
gwiamem uietui uy wij yi' i -ou 6 r u uiis, cause 1 nate
taMTM and fifty million or tnem rea 10 repeat, yne million chorus clrls. nu
la tor the comln' season?" I million Johnnies, two million lobsters
fW and n Plaw total v,slble supply one hundred and
une ana a iiaw flfty n.uii0n ,,, hnv. n,, , ""
irWirv" alil tha S. S. T.. "that's In svintv.flv nlirhf. .u. ,. ."
7- -- - I " .oo "1CIO HUH I DC
;."I
jpannaa
t "Beea rubbering again," Interrupted
Jtlta atace doorkeeper.
1 1 saeaa that I've Just noticed," con- I
placet the S. S. Y., trj'Ing hard to tak
na settee of the doorkeeper's remark,
"tfeat they have Just planted about
l,We,eeO. lobsters off the Maine coast."
'.To la
fP
'r(T
GOCiSS THAT'L-UewrKH
HOMt. TH&. BACON
IP riMOBl QP
h OLD surr THROWN -
lAWAVSY ALGV,WILI
RETURN SRMETO j
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OFTHiSPAPEyE
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ii-dffiW WLL0
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( (5 0ESE. YEPL " ,
GEE MGUESS THE. ONLY WAV
TO G-ET" IN RIGHT ISTO GCT MY
OLD SW BACK v l'U-
ApverrnsE.FoR.tT si
1 '0 f '
1 WONDER IF AUSY GOT HIS )-
SfENERY BACK- HELLO .'.'
I GOeSSTHAT5HIM-C0MElrt'.
t
M-AMIE TELLS BELLE
There's Nothing New in
The Astor'Force Chatter
PEOPLE ALWAYS GOSSIPED
ry
ssaA
WELL I'LL GO IN AND SEE. IF
ANYBODY ftNSWERfep
THE: 70
SC-T- 111 J
jfa&iZf
raid the S. S. ?..
lone a& a claw over for every man,
(woman and child In the United States
jposseseioBs." i
"Tat nuthln'to do with It at ill."
enorted the 8. D. K. "Now tell me.
fiirlll you, what the people of Alaska
and the Mexican border ana nemo-
lulu want to be buttln In on our lob-
a Maine lobster on the ranrket !
seventy-five nights won't take us up to
Christmas time. It's enough to make
strong show girls weep and bite their
jewels."
"What would you suggest doing about
it?" asked tho S. S. T. ,
ftomra, Kia. nothin'" sjttA the s:
Bter preserves. .ia. you surprise i.D. k. .Tvejjeciaed after looking over
.. Iit. mlv hmrrnr v inn1rpi1 ana .... . . . . ' "viijs over
?" """"" " r."'V.. ::C-."Z. material mat pays the fancv dfIcm
for the Newburgs that there's a new
one born every minute."
taftr- million of them Maine lobsters
i . .. . . . ..
in sight believe me tnere is goin 10
be bitter sufferin' in" the ranks of the
chorus ladles this comyr winter, ana
many a star win re w.iuin 10 iavisn
aer smiles on a bald headed millionaire
Another Menu; Or,
She Had Some Eyes
Reddy Smith Chats On
Meeting an Old Friend
AU his 'life beautiful eyes had been
tus hobby, his delight, and his one
theme of conversation. i
Aa&the little waitress at Flanagan's
bad at)MB eyes. So,-convenant was be
tf?EiJ
sbct, that it required but a
tor MM to distinguish between
t:evM. lovely, eyep, soulful eyes and
1B1 ers. And the little waitress had
THIS eye, t cchnlcally speaking, -they
FAM'tlu 1bA Tftt.
It iwi en "'Thursday, while he was
llpphMr. the. last bean in the mustard,
aat ke sua tn ner, aii my me nave
tbe. lool-ing for eyes like yours.
era's a minister around the corner.
it do you say?"
LB Btila, Tes," and m rourteen
Kntites they were one.
Bnthe second day of their honey-
pnhe seemed thoughtful, and ne,
pa'hef what the matter was. "What
flatter?" Is how he put ft.
is wondering." she said thought-
i"whether, considering that you
tothlnk so much of my eyes, you
Jd tell which one Is glass."
Say, Jlmmie, all people dat's got
money alnt o bad after all, are dey?
Dls morning I wus comln' thru de
square when I hears uh "voice s.iv
Loretta's Looking Glass
SSS HO&SS XT TTF TO TK33
WISHING WOMAN
X)
wny tieaay. and lookln' up who really want is enough money to get
should I see but uh girl uhbout me own ' away from the particular worry that
sire, wia hur face all doneup In smiles agitates you at the moment of ut
an' hur right nan" stuck out towards i terance.
me. I looks at huf uh minute. Hur And you make your husband mighty
cheeks wua as red as roses: hur hair- miserable. Lots of good husbands
I i5Ji ' n g bIue cys Jes are changed Into bad ones by ithis
5r5r. , j WISHING habit OhI you may say
Don t yu know me, Reddy." she sez. you are only Jesting! You may flip
den puckerin' up her mouth, "my name's I off the responsibility- as you would
H! I wish I had a million!" you brandish your tin sword with
great snow, iou ceriainiy wm noi
concede)to Mrs. Blank the acumen of
having chosen a smarter man than
you did.
Tou call that display of toy weap
ons an evidence of your devotion to
your lawyer-husband. IT IS NOT!
It is a great, big, spectacular display
You only half mean it. Or
you mean only half of It!
Even a fourth might satisfy you.
But you WISH it Just the same the
whole great amount What you
varied tortures! if I could. In the
pain of the experience find a. way to
wake you up f$ the harm you do
with your absurd and' unrest-breeding
WISH HABIT. Why, women lke
you drive m'en to acquire MORE
THAN THEY CAT EARN. You raise
sons -a ho are money maniacs before
of your own conceit. YOU WILL ' t high-school. Your
Elsie; wot's oora?"
Say, de minute she, sez dat, I knows
hur. "Sure," I sez. "I knows yu now.
Miss Elsie, butyu're so big I didn't
recognize yu at furst. Sides,-Miss Elsie,
I didn't "sped yoo'd ever know me
uhgaln if yu saw me."
"Why. Reddy, uv course I'd speak
to yoo," she sez, "Yoo're such uh nice
boy an sides I want you to call me
Elsie an' not Miss Elsie."
Well, Jlmmie, would yu- believe It
she sat on -uh bench wid mean' we
talked uver de time when I furst met
hur in de square, an' If she didn't haf
tu meet her,mudder, I guess we'd been
talkln' yet. But, say. sum people dat
are rich has hearts. Jlmmie, don't dey?
When Being in Debt Pays
"Got a notice from ,the telephone
company this morning promising bet
ter service the first of the month."
"Must have paid up."
"Nope: owe'1 'em for 3 year."
"Is that the system?"
"Appears to be. Notice said, lwas
one year in arrears for my 'phone,
and If I didn't settle by (he first of
the month I'd hear from it" Judge..
a cinder from a dust-coat if it would
flip. But finders like these have the
sticking habit With all their hurt
ing little points, they adhere In the
mind of the husband. He doe's not
actually think that you - really de
sire so much. But he DOES regard
the wish as a vocalization of youri
discontent with what he oan give.
YOU. !
' NOT ACKNOWLEDGE that your, hus
band is less brilliant than someJ
.other's husband JUST BECAUSE HE
IS YOURS.
How dare I say that? Why! I
should dare anything thata- woman's
rage ever has or could Invent and
some of them have achevelfl sinister
distinction as the jnventresses of
ci : .-
Decorations. For HIS Wife
Women have a way of looking at .
what some other woman has, and
wondering why the pretties are not
for ,them, too; If Mrs. Blank has a
sealskin and her husband Is a law-
yer, you'argue that your husband 1
Is -aJawyVF, and! you ought to have
a sealsltlnV also. You WISH for It I
And you Express your surprise that
Mr.' BJank. can manage to have such '
decorations for HIS wife, while your
lawyer must needs scrape, "pretty.,
hard to get you a ready-made coats 1
eult "
Maybe Mrs. Blank's lawyer Is a
better one. Hevcan earn more money. ;
"No, indeed!" you cry. You will'
not "acknowledge that! Your wife!,
loyalty Jumps up In toy-arms; and
WHEN I 2rBT
TO -RUMNINGr
THEr.'UmveRSE-
ONE OF THfe-MRST
AND" (xEEftTEST BIL3 TO
BE- ftBOUSBED , WILL
WORK.'-' 'EUEfcf 0N, HIS
A -xRAttb7VACA D-R-
fiLARtf . -' CCOCV. 1 1 J
- ' . ! . 1
T WOULD on'y be a matter of a minute's walk or
so, Belle, to find somebody that hasn't expressed
a single opinion on the 1912 presidential situation,
but walk until your soles smoke and I bet you
won't run across a human b:in' old enough to talk
that hasift had somepin' to say about the Astbr
Force engagement.
Talkin' about people who in the nature o'
things would refuse to talk to us is one o' the time
honored and 'nalienable rights of civilized man
kind, Belle, to say nothin' of womankind. Ever
hear of Cleopatra, Belle? No, she's no relation of
the Astors; she was a young brunette and did some
darin' stunts lone aero when the weather used to hr
so nice the men never had to wear anything but bedsheet dressin'
gowns. Well, I'll bet the latest work of Michael Angelo, or whoever
the big stone cutter was then, was forgotten at nine out of ev'ry ten
Roman dinner tables while each member of .the fam'ly tried to get
ahead of the others in takin' a shot at Cleo's reputation.
Which has nothing to do with Astor and the Breakfast Food
lady especially, but just goes to show that at least they have the
consolation of knowin' fhey ain't the on'y ones that ever had to
suffer for bein' prominent.
Whole Families Get In On It
It began as soon as the mornin' papers announced it a few weeks
ago. U'd give one o' these statistician fellows a good day's work to
figure out how many American fam'lies forgot to put sugar in their
coffee at breakfast that morning. Picture it, Belle, the same scene
happenin' in a million dinin' rooms all at, once.
"Hah!" the head o' the family'd say. "What d'you know about
that! Old Astor's goin' to marry a young Breakfast Food lady just
out of short dresses. Why don't he take somebody his age?"
"And him a divorced man, too!" his wife'd say, leanin' over the
old man's shoulder with the rest of the fam'ly to get. a peek at the
four-column pictures of Astor and -the Breakfast Food lady. "I think
it's perfec'ly scand'lous!" v
Then the daughter of the fam'ly and the young son just graduatin'
into cigarettes would have their say, and by the time the fam'ly dog
had shook the paper into ribbons they'd be ready to let the subject
drop till dinner time.
And the point, Belle, the point is that out of all those millions
there's not one of 'em Jhat even knows anybody that knows Astor.
When reporters ring the front, doorbell at the homes of Astor'
friends and acquaintances and ask for thpir views on the comin
Astor-Breakfast Food lady nuptials, they're always told that "it's
nobody's business but Mr. Astor's and th,e Breakfast Fdbd lady's.
Which all goes to show, Belle, that distance makes the tongue grow
longer. .
ACCORDING TO SAMMY
daughters are mercenary creatures
Hooking forward toward marriage
with millionaires. You are the
CHIEF PRIESTESS at the-"altar of
MAMMON. , '
I have watched you -"WISHING
WJEN. You .are generally non
producers. 'Housekeeping is- a cross
to youv Women who can live, at
fashionable family hotels are your
fenvy. You throw up their luxury to
the nusband, who Is doing his best;
and you give him the Idea that his i
siupiuuy ana ma unity 10 corner j.na
money market are keeping you from
1 what you OUGHT to have.
1 Distributor of Discontent
, Ive got to eet brekflst in a hury
this moarnlng, sed pop at brekflst
yestidday, bekaus Ive got to go out
of town on importint blzniss and the
ony trane I can take leaves at 8.57.
So he ate- his brekflst fast as eny
thing, spilling part of his egg awn
the tabll kloth and awl, and then
he sed. And holy smoakes, Ive got
to get these trowslrs pressed befoar
I go, to. Thare a site, he sed, and
111 haft to stop around at the taylers
and have them dun while I wate.
Can I go with you and see him
do them, ptop, I sed.
Sertenly
Sure. Ifwou think it will make
you a bettir and4noblir man. sed J
pop, so af tir brekflst; we went erround
p the taylers so kwck I had to run
to keap up to" pop, awn akkount of
my legs beelng mutch shoarter.
Kan you do them in 5 minutes,
bed pop, meenlng the trowslrs, and
the tayler sed. Sure, speed is no
middle nalm, and pop sed. Ware kan
I take them awf, meenlng the trow
slrs agen.
TltA har ao tha fnvlnr.. thares
no ladys rezint but pop, sed.t-Tom-
mle rot Im not going to give eny
imltashun of a balllt gerl for people
passing In the streat to see.
Awl rite, sed the tayler. Ill opln
this doar and you can get behind It
and he did and pop got behind the
door and I cood -beer him taking
them awf. -Jest then a messlnglr boy
calm In smoaklng a elgeret and pop
sed, Heer they are, and he throo them
ovlr the door and they calm down
awn the messlnglr boys, hed and the
messlnglr boy turned erround and
ran out agen to beet the band with
peps trowslrs.
Hay, sed the tayler, ana i sea.
Hay, and pop looked erround the
door and wen he saw the messlnglr
boy Jest going out the door, he said.
Hay.
We awl ran to the door, evin pop
without his trowslrs but the messln
glr boy wasent enyware in site, bee
ins a fast runner. I gess, for a little
Uld, wlch he was.
No Pants
For the luv of mike anuthir pare
of pants, sed pop, Ive got to ketch a
trane In a brfull hury. '
I havent got anuthir pare in the
shop, sed the tayler, and pop sed.
Then give me yures, this Is Impor
tint and the tayler sed, 111 do nuth
ing of the kind. Id be a pritty site,
woodent I. pressing pants with nono
awn myself.
Yure a'fool. sed pop, and the tayler
sed. That may be, but evin a fool is
lntlteld to his trowslrs.
Enyhow. pop missed the trane and
I went hoam and brawt h.m the
trowslrs frum his Sundey soot
Up until today anybody that tried to
spring any mental suggestion talk on
me was nrmly but politely requested to
fasten that he-cow on the exterior.
He's a little guy, and he blew In flrit
Our Dentist Says
Mental Suggestion
ENGLISH JOKE FOR TODAY
"Gertie is Just back from the Isle of
Wight Been yachting, you kndw with
serving? You are a troublesome, un Shim.' .
n'tiAlftinmA 1f flliilfni" ff fltrAw TToTTI
WHY ought you to have it? .What
have you done that makes you de-
wholesome distributor of discontent
: And you are as unhappy as.jthe ones'
4 you make miserable, 'W.hy 'don't you'
look at the worthy wives, the BUSY
t women, .who are using their brains
and talents to supply the dollar def
icit? THEY, recognize a limit" 'to
their husbands' earning capacity-and
.try to makethe best ofit THEY
axe noi goauing men tu misappropria
tion and misery. Their children are
well dressed. Their houses are well
kept THEY DO NOT SITA-ROUND
f WISHING: they are busy WORKING!
I You ought to take pattern!; from
tnemis
Sure Tackles From
Early Fall Practice
Hem, nice girl! Does she look well?"
Oh, the usual Cowes complexion."
Tho Pink 'Un.
X
The -Best Way
Miss Green How do you manage to'
'keep acoqk so long? Do you treat
her as one of the family?
Mrs. Brown I should say not! We
treat her as a. guest
Company Did It
Little Harry I'm hungry. I didn't
eat half enough dinner.
Elsle-What did you have?
HarryJ-Companyl -
about three weeks -ago. with a weepy
tale of a molar that had the Jlmjamc
regularly once every fifteen minutes.
He said he couldn't sleep with It and
he- couldn't stay awake with It.
Well, I took a peep Into his front
portico, and a better set of teeth I never
saw 6n anything but a walrus. Each
molar was guaranteed to crack coal
without complaining. I saw right away
that he had a "bug," so I Just tinkered
around a minute and then said, "How's
that?"
Better, he thought and paid me and
left, but the1 next day he was in 9 gain,
and the-next and the next, until -it got
to be a shame to take the money, elo
today I gnvc him a Jack Johnson crack
on the "aching" molar and then showed
him a fake tooth I had all ready, and
said. "Now, she's out" Well, he al
most shook my hand off, and Instated
on giving me a five spot and said 'that
that was. the first minute's peace he'd
had for weeks. Yep, all mental sugg.
can thet- r2r$?
mN f ROW '5 t 'rK- J (
WIN? I P :i jy
"OF
CORSKAN
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(WHfVT rtORE: J TO HrMfe-li sfT
!) DOES HIS BED; M ' r?
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MA'lLtD TH&"
LETT&R?
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