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THE NATIONAL DAILY THE0 WAHNTON 'TI MEaS AUGSl,12
lb. , TH W a s H -U -~@i..Mtb aLSMsT Marriage and Shooting 7 This Editorial Is Not In the Usual Style, But You Will Read It. "Bugs" Baer Wrote Most of It. Bvery dy in The Times Mr. "Bugs" Baer wr1es his ta ghts, tImpesrems and emotions. We offer you a sample et a styl that stands out by itself ad says more in a few whis than the average writer an my in amay. Mr. Ber thus resat. his recent resel es en matrimony oomph' cated by hasty temper and the sooting habit brought on by the war. MR. "BUGS' BAM ON MODWRN MARRIAGE. It was a quiet wedding. They always put the oil on the Arst two syllables of the quiet stuff. The .wedding is always quiet. It's the lull betere the hurritornmdooane. But just as soon as the minister and the innocent by standers hoof for the bomb proofs the shooting starts. The daily papers are slogged with accounts of wives gunning husbands and husbands shooting their better halves into more intricate fractiouns. A woman in Chicago gatted her hubby to keep him at home. He was running around at night putting tick-tacks on the neighbors' windows. So the wil bought herself a perfumed cannon and blew hubby into a set of paper doilies. A married lady In New York was jealous of her husband's luxurious expression and sluffed him eleven times with a forty-four. His expression is now permanent. These are only a few of our better class exhibits. In the last ten days' target practice there have been 107 cases of so-educational shooting. They say that jealousy is self ishness, but everybody seems generous with their bullets. Is the world getting worse? Or are they shooting better? ' Lovers' lane is now a target range. They used to coo like doves. Nov they coo-coo like clay pigeons. Instead of a wedding ring, the groom puts an identification tag on the bluffing bride. The minister puts on his iron helmet and asks if they take each other for lawful, wedded targets. In stead of being married in a church, they get wedded in a shooting gallery. They stand ten paces apart. The wedding bell is a gong. You do? I do. Bang, bang, bang! Zowie! Kersook! Perfect yachting weather.. It was a quiet wedding. - Instead of marriage licenses they ought to sign armistices. Do you love me? Bang, bang, phaloop! If you love me, shoot me. You don't love me any more. You just murdered a strange woman. Then they take a honeymoon trip to Bannerman's Island Arsenal. They'll make an ideal pair. They are just shooted to each other. On the lead anniversary of their wedding some kind " friend gives 'em an artillery park for a kitchen set. The wiN steps out to the gunamith to buy her hubbix a birthday revolver. What size does he wear? Twenty-two rim fire, or forty-four, soft-nosed, steel jacketed, and guaranteed to kill at 3,000 country yards? Hubby grabs a shotgun that he gave her for their engagement and they start the Annie Oakley duet from the operetta "Winchester." Bang, bang! It was a quiet wedding. Votes For Washington Senator Wesley L. Jones of Washington says he favors the principle of representation and can see no serious objec tion to giving the District of Columbia representation of some kind in Congress, but he doubts the wisdom of plac ing the District on the same ' plane as a State. "It was never intended as a State," he added, "and can not be treated as one. The District of Columbia was set apart speclflcally as the Na tion's Capital. The citizens of all the States are equally Interested in It. Its relation to the nation today is exactly as It was when the fathers placed it solely under the con trol of Congress without any special representation there SENATOR WESLEY L. JONES. Senator Jones says he wants Washington to be made the most beautiful Capital "and the reflector of all that is best and noblest In our national life." Once-Overs Don't expect when you see that old friend of yours that you are going to occupy as important a place with him as you thought you did once when you were his daily companion. Your friend has been surrounded by many friend. since you left. It is quite likely that sonme of these friends are more to him than you ever were in old days. It may hurt you to realise It, but it is just as well for you to be pre pared for what may seem to you shabby and cold treatment. You are going to visit the old town you have not seen in years, but you will not ftnd' the same old Interest in you and your plans and your personal altairs as you thought the old town felt when you went away You have located in a big city-made few friendsand have kept the old memories green while you longed to be back home. You have not grown away from these closest friends, but they have grown away from you and have become more fond of those with whom they are ia daily contact. Yeu have been distant and seem distant to them, and when you O5W14It~ o Insntional d ntlvce t . URoPe I a I Beatrice Fairfax Your Level Best "f alters argued that a man Who does about the best he can Is plenty good enough to suit This lower mundane institute; No matter it' his daily walk Is subject to his neighbor's talk, An critic minds of ev'ry whim Just all get up and go for him." J AMES WHITCOMB RILEY wrote that. And I believe it. Don't you? Of course, there are plenty of "ef ficiency experts" who say that if your best isn't good enough to meet the situation, it's no good at all. Nothing counts except results. It doesn't matter what you start out for--you must either get it or fail. Puttering around trying, they say, doesn't mean a thing unless you get results. The measure of your abil ity is what you achieve. We've all heard a lot of those rules and regulations for success. And most of us find ourselves sub scrIbing to them. That's all 'ight -if we subscribe to them-for our selves. It's a splep~did idea to have a rigid standard for yourself, to old yourself to the sternest ac ounting-to demand your own level best and not to be satisfied with our near-best, or second-best, or anything of that sort. But with all the firmness in the world applied by you to YOU-if ou're a generous soul you'll have ore elastic standards for ME. hat's toleration--it's charity-It's uman kindness. I know a woman who in herself and of herself has never achieved anything. Her best wouldn't enable er to paint a picture or write an advertisement or design a hat. She as no earning capacity. From any fficiency point of view gie has faled miserably-failed becab se she asn't made anything noteworthy of erself-failed because she hasn't chieved money. position, or promi ence of any kind. But she believes in other folks. he's glad to share their dreams. he loves to hear of their succemss. She is happy to cheer their fail res. She itands by the sick even f they haven't deserved overly well f her. Her sympathy is unfailing. er disposition isn't ruffable when here's need of poise and sweetness and kindness. Her best isn't self-expression. it desn't take the form of making erself prominent. She has never ine any thing to win a place in the ublic eye. And yesterday I heard er spoken of just like this: "54h vs a nice woman, but she desn't count. Why doesn't she ake something of herself? I guess she's just plain lazy and oesn't want to exert herself. It wouldn't be so disgusting to see er fritt'er away her life if it hy Doesn't e TOWN e .gstered . By K. ON THE same page. WITH THE "Capture of Warsaw." AND THE "Run on Ponzi." AND HARDIG'S views. ON THE League of Nations. AND THE threat of the Reda TO EXECUTE Allies. WHO CROSS into Poland. THERE WAS a story. SENT BY wireless. FROM THE steamer Olympic. WITH THE terrible news. . . . THAT A shot-put star. OF AMERICA'S team. BOUND OVER &eas. H AD HU'RT his thumb. AND THERE w a gloom. ABOARDJ THlE boat. FOR IT was feared. IT WOULD interfere. WITH THlE chance he had. OF THIR(WI.NO a shot. OF SIXTEEN pounds. A LITTLE farther. THA N SOME one else. FRO'M ANOTHER land. A ND I read tne page. WHERE THE story was. AND LAID It down. has a good mind and is too asy to use it."' "i'd jttst come from the bedside of an exacting invalid- one who makes a furns over nothing, one wflo demands all sorts of attention and petting and coddling, and who has estranged most of her friends through this unfortunate habit of minid. This girl had fallen supnn evil days misfortune. ill hecalth, and pnverty came trotting along hand in hand to make life just about uan endurabie for her. In a busy world. no one had much time for her. Tisut the woman who "dnsan't amount to anything" because she isn't makin'g anything in particular or herself, He Get Busy I tDON'T ~y 4.d rTtO0.* E GOSSIP L Patent Otsee C. B. ON MY workroom floor. * . C AND IT looked at me. FROM WHERE it lay. AND CONFUSED me much. FOR TO tell the truth. I DON'T quite know. IF I'M more concerned. ABO'T THE thumb. OF THE shot-put man. OR ABOUT the Poles. AS THEY'RE driven on. BY THE Soviets. AND I'l not quite sure. IF HARlDIN(G'S views. ?TlR ME as much. AS THE saddening news. OF THE injured thumb. AND MY wife comes in. AND TAKES the p'age. AND READS it through. AND THEN reads on. TO THE sporting page. AND BREATHES a sigh. AS SHE says to me. "RI'TH DIDN'T get a home run. "IN YESTERDAY'S game.'' A ND I know she's sane. SO I guess I'm sane. I THANK you. was planning to give all of her time, all of her energy. to the girl In need. Jutr't It a shame?"' asked my comn panton as we left for the days work. "That elever woman isn't making a thing of herself. Instead of sitting in a sick room puttering arou.nd ns er a lot of jobs any at tendant enild perform. she nught to be makinig hierself felt in the world. if that's all she haa to give---" And yet the woman who was "su.bject tq her neihors talk" was giving her best cheerful ser, lce. Nothing ennsgpiciuus about it - - Just hert kindly, helpful beat which happens' to be the "charity" the Great Teacher called mightier than rath and hope. r7 " "Bugs" Baer ON Ralroading COOLIDGE is getting himself snapshooted milking a cow. That's retail photography. The railroads are being daguerrotyped milking a whole nation. PRIVATE ownership of head-on collisions is a success. For pri vate ownership. It you stand still on a corner for a minute. a bull pinches you for loafing. Judge smears you ten smackers. But ten dolls a minute for standing still is cheaper than traveling. Railroad rates have just been steamed up 40 per cent in the wood alcohol dis tricts and 35 per cent in the West. PRIVATEER ownership is a suc cess. When the gov took over the flatwheels they hyped the im port duty from two to three cents a milestone, live or die. Now they are socking us forty per centum moreum and moving the milestones closer together. Yea bo. T HE forty per cent knife is for freight. It's only twenty per cent for a passenger who wanders into the depot during a post-grad uate course in aphasia. There is another twenty fine on excess bag gage. The road legislation on ex cess luggage is unusually liberal. Anything that helps to make you comfortable is excess. THEY print a lot of junk in rail rodschedules, but a notice of increased rates is the only thing you can depend on. T HEm Intrstita Cmerce Com-: erty at about twenty billion. THAT'S a lot of cinders. PULLMANrates are also stepping Nrh. When it comes to giv ing you servico, jhe Pullman port ers, stay mF longer than an Arctic exploror. When it comes to grabbing that tip piece, they get busier than a one-fingered banjo player at a barn dance. THE oldgovernment cost of put THng olblack polish on russet shoes was ten cents the first half mile and a jit for every telegraph pole on both sides of the track. Now the porters give you the tip and keep the shoes, Science con quers brute strength. WRECKS are getting more ex Wpensive every daylight sav ing hour. Costs a sack of kale to keep the wick burning in the red lamps. Reminder of the old days. when the old man would pull and haul around the corner glue pot and then stagger home feeling very nu merous. Mather always kept the red lamp burning in the parlor busted window. She knew when a wrec-k wasn coming home. Running a railroad is pretty mucehness ilke steering a home. The green lights don't mean anything.' TH iblie will kiok in with tiin extra assessment, They always get the lean part of the fat. All the pub wants is a seven or an eleven. A LL they get is two sixes. Weakness of the Of the By BILL A Washington physician a serious' complaint against several fraternal insurance the District, and able, throt insurance laws, to do about a almost prohibitive assessm deficiencies of capital stock t home offices remote from Wa man with the particular ins in his letter, the monthly pay ment has been gradually inor over $21 per month. The hold seventy years of age. This r deliberately freezing out older years to obtain benefts for i Under present laws in th missioner has no control ove assessments, as in many othei assessments or insist that the figures. A fraternal assessm( in some State fully understar District policyholders. There is pending in the SHERMAN, approved by the ing greater powers to the Inst was drawn by the American I ing to protect the insured tl laws throughout the country Former Commissioner W. pert in insurance subjects, bi the District. As matters eta have no teeth and insurance c to take advantage of this sit referred to does not stand alo tection. fIERRD 3E's LOOKING EVERYWHERE. A couple of girls have written you to say indignantly that they wear roll-top hose and intend to continue doing so, and the men can look the other way if they don't like it. They take the attitude that they are being criticised, whereas all the comments I have read gave me the impression that the writers were glad of the op prtinity of witnessing bare knees. And that's my view. I've seen two today and am waiting for tomorrow. V. 8. 8. AND THIS FROM A. R. C. No. men don't bate roll-top hose. and are not likely to look the other way. The Editor is informed that a let ter carrier In the banking center is "so well off" that he evidently has two pairs of shoes, inasmuch as he appeared on duty the other day wear ing one black and one tan shoe. On the salaries letter carriers are paid the only wonder is that they are able to have even one pair of shoes. * WHEN ARE THEY SLEEPING PORCHES? I am one of several scores of occu pants of a solid block of attached houses in Mt. Pleasant. each equipped with a sleeping porch in the rear. In one dwells a newly married couple who seem to think the porches are for everything but sleeping. They hate oonverted theirs into a moon parlor and every evening invite friends to see it. When conversation lags around the midnight hour they usually bring out the Victrola and we poor mortals who are trying to sleep are regaled with everything from Al Jolson to Carous. What are we to do? se pil? OAurs. They are selling post cards at Atlantic City reading: "Hav ing a fine time; am down for a change and rest." The hotels are getting the change and the waiters the rest. L. R. T. Several contributors state that the canal lizards of Great Falls, Md.," are adding to their membership and to their supplies of tight-kneed trousers. A PRODLEM IN eQUARE5. A number of contributor' have submitted problems involving the placing and addition of numbers in squares, but they have not been printed because of difficulty in con centrating the answers in small space. This one in the same line is submittd by ELMER WILLIAMS: Arrange the number' from 1 to 25 ieclusive in twenty-five squares, so that whether added in either a horizontal, perpedic uar or diagonal direction, the rows of five numbers each will each total 65. ANSWERED AT LAST. H. G. L. contributes this: And what's so rare as a day in June? Why, a country band' that plays in tune; A honeymoon that doesn't end moon; A 'possum dinner without a coon; A lovers stroll without a spoon; A terman band with no bassoon; Arus day without a blloon: Or a soological garden with no baboon. Or a padded cell without a loon; Or a current event without a cartoem; Or a vaudeville show with no buffoen; Or a political party with no lampoon; Or a boarding house meal without a prune. Is Mary Pickford a moon hiner? A Washington paper quotes Owen Moore as saying: "Mary ii the best girl in the world. I love her stIll." J. L. P., Jr. Those "love siek hounds of Emer. son street (N. E.) must have giveri B. V. T. fleas. Emerson street i right there on love M. I. C. I went down to Chesapeake Beach thinking to and just plain humari beings. To my hard luck I ran inte a perfect epidemic of c e-atere and liuettem leafing arond the anin .pawil, R.J.A. N. Insurance LawS| District PRICE. )f many years' practice write heavy burdens being laid by isociations operating within gh many weaknesses in our they please in the levying of its upon members to meet brough faulty management at hington. Starting as a young urance association mentioned rments were $2. That assess lased until the last rating was er of the policy is not far from ort of policy is equivalent to members who have saved for heir loved ones. e District the Insurance Com ir assessments or methods of States. He can not limit the y shall not go beyond certain ant organization losing money ids that it can "even up" on Senate now a bill by Senator District Commissioners, giv range Commissioner. The bill lar Association, which is seek irough more or less uniform GWYNN GARDINER, an ex is long urged better laws for a nd today our insurance laws >mpanies of all kinds disposed nation may do so. The case ie. The public needs full pro. 4EEI WHITE'S WITTICISMS. The diver doesn't strive to be clever, but he pulls some DEEP stuff. The bolshevist may not be s wise but he's pretty RED. The iceman never has trouble - finding a job because he always has his PICK. The seaman may not be an auctioneer but he knows how to handle a Sail. If elected President the wood worker would know how to make a CABINET. PAUL WHITE. When yeu are weary And your brain I. in a rut, Forget about your sorrows And be a H. and S. nut. ARTHUR PEARSON. HIDDEN TREASURES IN BALTIMORE WATERS. FRED VETTER was told this story by a Baltimore friend, and he's afraid it's going to start a big rush of Washington fishermen to the waters around Baltimore: Two men fishing in the river near Baltimore struck something, hauled in, and found the hook sunk into the end of a one-inch rope. Hauling the rope tight it was evident they could not handle what was attached to it. So they fastened the rope to the motorboat and pulled into shallow water. They found the rope to be part of a sling and within the sling were three caaes of Scotch whiskey. The cargo had apparently been put overboard by some sailor, who attached a "can-buoy" to it. Whieh kind of girls make the most successful vampires, b londes or brunettes, auburn haired, red-headed or black-hair ed' Your many experts ought to know. PEGGY S., MARGARET TOO. BEAUTY PARLORS ON CARS. I wish to suggest to the street car companies that they ought to set aside a small space in each car as a beauty parlor, in which made-up girls may powder their noses and apply their lip sticks. To increase the revenues there should be an extra charge of 5 cents. L. B. R. LEROY MORRIS buggests that the popularity of the public golf links would increase if a tournament could be arranged by the authorities in charge. THE "MATHS" ARE RIGHT THERE WITH "THE GOODS." W. J. SPILLMAN'S mathematical pussle excited great interest among the mathematicians, but they came across splendidly with the correct answer. The column is indebted to Mr. Spillman for consistent efforts to keep the figure manipulators entew tained. The pussle is explained clearly by W. F. ATKINSON and other., who find that A equals 7: B equals 3: C 2: D 6: E F4; G1, and H9. With this setled the problem is a simple one of long division, the answer being 23. Mr. ATKINSON observes "that what it takes to dope things out H. and 5. folks have got." Correot anewar'. are by E. C. R., LEAH OLASSMAN, ALBERT D. ADAMS. H. A. SAUR, J. P. TUBBA NATHAN PARKCINS, ELMER WI~e LIAMS, R. M. C.., L. A. WOLFE. M. FITCHETTE. FRED T. HAFELFIN GER, PEGGY NEA L. J. 13., L. F. HIfl H. B. ROSSELL, .1. E. P., and 0. H. T. The reports of a recent murder made a gruesome tale which grew some with each repetition. H. SMITH. NATH AN PA RKINS says that FRaD HAFELTINGER is the only one who correctly answered his own ladder prohlem, hecause the problem was not clear to many of the best maths. "The foot of the ladder is distant from the wall not 4 feet hut ahnut 4.7N3 feet. since it is tangent to the intervening pipe." he ays. That problem is still attractins at tention. as evidencerd by further let ters from .lOHIN B. TA VIOft. C. A. 3. Mr-. L.IltlGE and others.