THE NATIONAL DAILY THE0 WAHNTON 'TI MEaS AUGSl,12
lb. , TH W a s H -U [email protected] aLSMsT
Marriage and Shooting
7 This Editorial Is Not In the Usual Style, But You Will
Read It. "Bugs" Baer Wrote Most of It.
Bvery dy in The Times Mr. "Bugs" Baer wr1es his
ta ghts, tImpesrems and emotions. We offer you a sample
et a styl that stands out by itself ad says more in a few
whis than the average writer an my in amay. Mr. Ber
thus resat. his recent resel es en matrimony oomph'
cated by hasty temper and the sooting habit brought on by
MR. "BUGS' BAM ON MODWRN MARRIAGE.
It was a quiet wedding.
They always put the oil on the Arst two syllables of the
quiet stuff. The .wedding is always quiet. It's the lull
betere the hurritornmdooane.
But just as soon as the minister and the innocent by
standers hoof for the bomb proofs the shooting starts.
The daily papers are slogged with accounts of wives
gunning husbands and husbands shooting their better halves
into more intricate fractiouns.
A woman in Chicago gatted her hubby to keep him at
home. He was running around at night putting tick-tacks
on the neighbors' windows. So the wil bought herself a
perfumed cannon and blew hubby into a set of paper doilies.
A married lady In New York was jealous of her husband's
luxurious expression and sluffed him eleven times with a
forty-four. His expression is now permanent.
These are only a few of our better class exhibits. In
the last ten days' target practice there have been 107 cases
of so-educational shooting. They say that jealousy is self
ishness, but everybody seems generous with their bullets.
Is the world getting worse?
Or are they shooting better?
' Lovers' lane is now a target range. They used to coo
like doves. Nov they coo-coo like clay pigeons. Instead of
a wedding ring, the groom puts an identification tag on the
bluffing bride. The minister puts on his iron helmet and
asks if they take each other for lawful, wedded targets. In
stead of being married in a church, they get wedded in a
shooting gallery. They stand ten paces apart. The wedding
bell is a gong. You do? I do. Bang, bang, bang! Zowie!
Kersook! Perfect yachting weather.. It was a quiet
- Instead of marriage licenses they ought to sign
Do you love me? Bang, bang, phaloop! If you love me,
shoot me. You don't love me any more. You just murdered
a strange woman. Then they take a honeymoon trip to
Bannerman's Island Arsenal. They'll make an ideal pair.
They are just shooted to each other.
On the lead anniversary of their wedding some kind
" friend gives 'em an artillery park for a kitchen set. The
wiN steps out to the gunamith to buy her hubbix a birthday
revolver. What size does he wear? Twenty-two rim fire,
or forty-four, soft-nosed, steel jacketed, and guaranteed to
kill at 3,000 country yards? Hubby grabs a shotgun that he
gave her for their engagement and they start the Annie
Oakley duet from the operetta "Winchester."
It was a quiet wedding.
Votes For Washington
Senator Wesley L. Jones of Washington says he favors
the principle of representation and can see no serious objec
tion to giving the District of
Columbia representation of
some kind in Congress, but
he doubts the wisdom of plac
ing the District on the same '
plane as a State.
"It was never intended as
a State," he added, "and can
not be treated as one. The
District of Columbia was set
apart speclflcally as the Na
tion's Capital. The citizens
of all the States are equally
Interested in It. Its relation
to the nation today is exactly
as It was when the fathers
placed it solely under the con
trol of Congress without any
special representation there
SENATOR WESLEY L. JONES.
Senator Jones says he wants Washington to be made the
most beautiful Capital "and the reflector of all that is best
and noblest In our national life."
Don't expect when you see that old friend of yours that you are
going to occupy as important a place with him as you thought you did
once when you were his daily companion.
Your friend has been surrounded by many friend. since you left.
It is quite likely that sonme of these friends are more to him than
you ever were in old days.
It may hurt you to realise It, but it is just as well for you to be pre
pared for what may seem to you shabby and cold treatment.
You are going to visit the old town you have not seen in years, but
you will not ftnd' the same old Interest in you and your plans and your
personal altairs as you thought the old town felt when you went away
You have located in a big city-made few friendsand have kept
the old memories green while you longed to be back home.
You have not grown away from these closest friends, but they have
grown away from you and have become more fond of those with whom
they are ia daily contact.
Yeu have been distant and seem distant to them, and when you
O5W14It~ o Insntional d ntlvce t .
Your Level Best
"f alters argued that a man
Who does about the best he can
Is plenty good enough to suit
This lower mundane institute;
No matter it' his daily walk
Is subject to his neighbor's talk,
An critic minds of ev'ry whim
Just all get up and go for him."
J AMES WHITCOMB RILEY wrote
that. And I believe it. Don't
Of course, there are plenty of "ef
ficiency experts" who say that if
your best isn't good enough to meet
the situation, it's no good at all.
Nothing counts except results. It
doesn't matter what you start out
for--you must either get it or fail.
Puttering around trying, they say,
doesn't mean a thing unless you get
results. The measure of your abil
ity is what you achieve.
We've all heard a lot of those
rules and regulations for success.
And most of us find ourselves sub
scrIbing to them. That's all 'ight
-if we subscribe to them-for our
selves. It's a splep~did idea to have
a rigid standard for yourself, to
old yourself to the sternest ac
ounting-to demand your own level
best and not to be satisfied with
our near-best, or second-best, or
anything of that sort.
But with all the firmness in the
world applied by you to YOU-if
ou're a generous soul you'll have
ore elastic standards for ME.
hat's toleration--it's charity-It's
I know a woman who in herself
and of herself has never achieved
anything. Her best wouldn't enable
er to paint a picture or write an
advertisement or design a hat. She
as no earning capacity. From any
fficiency point of view gie has
faled miserably-failed becab se she
asn't made anything noteworthy of
erself-failed because she hasn't
chieved money. position, or promi
ence of any kind.
But she believes in other folks.
he's glad to share their dreams.
he loves to hear of their succemss.
She is happy to cheer their fail
res. She itands by the sick even
f they haven't deserved overly well
f her. Her sympathy is unfailing.
er disposition isn't ruffable when
here's need of poise and sweetness
Her best isn't self-expression. it
desn't take the form of making
erself prominent. She has never
ine any thing to win a place in the
ublic eye. And yesterday I heard
er spoken of just like this:
"54h vs a nice woman, but she
desn't count. Why doesn't she
ake something of herself? I
guess she's just plain lazy and
oesn't want to exert herself. It
wouldn't be so disgusting to see
er fritt'er away her life if it
e .gstered .
ON THE same page.
WITH THE "Capture of Warsaw."
AND THE "Run on Ponzi."
AND HARDIG'S views.
ON THE League of Nations.
AND THE threat of the Reda
TO EXECUTE Allies.
WHO CROSS into Poland.
THERE WAS a story.
SENT BY wireless.
FROM THE steamer Olympic.
WITH THE terrible news.
. . .
THAT A shot-put star.
OF AMERICA'S team.
BOUND OVER &eas.
H AD HU'RT his thumb.
AND THERE w a gloom.
ABOARDJ THlE boat.
FOR IT was feared.
IT WOULD interfere.
WITH THlE chance he had.
OF THIR(WI.NO a shot.
OF SIXTEEN pounds.
A LITTLE farther.
THA N SOME one else.
FRO'M ANOTHER land.
A ND I read tne page.
WHERE THE story was.
AND LAID It down.
has a good mind and is too asy to
"i'd jttst come from the bedside
of an exacting invalid- one who
makes a furns over nothing, one wflo
demands all sorts of attention and
petting and coddling, and who has
estranged most of her friends
through this unfortunate habit of
This girl had fallen supnn evil
days misfortune. ill hecalth, and
pnverty came trotting along hand
in hand to make life just about uan
endurabie for her. In a busy world.
no one had much time for her. Tisut
the woman who "dnsan't amount to
anything" because she isn't makin'g
anything in particular or herself,
He Get Busy
L Patent Otsee
ON MY workroom floor.
* . C
AND IT looked at me.
FROM WHERE it lay.
AND CONFUSED me much.
FOR TO tell the truth.
I DON'T quite know.
IF I'M more concerned.
ABO'T THE thumb.
OF THE shot-put man.
OR ABOUT the Poles.
AS THEY'RE driven on.
BY THE Soviets.
AND I'l not quite sure.
IF HARlDIN(G'S views.
?TlR ME as much.
AS THE saddening news.
OF THE injured thumb.
AND MY wife comes in.
AND TAKES the p'age.
AND READS it through.
AND THEN reads on.
TO THE sporting page.
AND BREATHES a sigh.
AS SHE says to me.
"RI'TH DIDN'T get a home run.
"IN YESTERDAY'S game.''
A ND I know she's sane.
SO I guess I'm sane.
I THANK you.
was planning to give all of her
time, all of her energy. to the girl
Jutr't It a shame?"' asked my comn
panton as we left for the days
work. "That elever woman isn't
making a thing of herself. Instead
of sitting in a sick room puttering
arou.nd ns er a lot of jobs any at
tendant enild perform. she nught to
be makinig hierself felt in the world.
if that's all she haa to give---"
And yet the woman who was
"su.bject tq her neihors talk"
was giving her best cheerful ser,
lce. Nothing ennsgpiciuus about it - -
Just hert kindly, helpful beat which
happens' to be the "charity" the
Great Teacher called mightier than
rath and hope.
COOLIDGE is getting himself
snapshooted milking a cow.
That's retail photography. The
railroads are being daguerrotyped
milking a whole nation.
PRIVATE ownership of head-on
collisions is a success. For pri
vate ownership. It you stand still
on a corner for a minute. a bull
pinches you for loafing. Judge
smears you ten smackers. But ten
dolls a minute for standing still is
cheaper than traveling. Railroad
rates have just been steamed up 40
per cent in the wood alcohol dis
tricts and 35 per cent in the West.
PRIVATEER ownership is a suc
cess. When the gov took over
the flatwheels they hyped the im
port duty from two to three cents
a milestone, live or die. Now they
are socking us forty per centum
moreum and moving the milestones
closer together. Yea bo.
T HE forty per cent knife is for
freight. It's only twenty per
cent for a passenger who wanders
into the depot during a post-grad
uate course in aphasia. There is
another twenty fine on excess bag
gage. The road legislation on ex
cess luggage is unusually liberal.
Anything that helps to make you
comfortable is excess.
THEY print a lot of junk in rail
rodschedules, but a notice of
increased rates is the only thing
you can depend on.
T HEm Intrstita Cmerce Com-:
erty at about twenty billion.
THAT'S a lot of cinders.
PULLMANrates are also stepping
Nrh. When it comes to giv
ing you servico, jhe Pullman port
ers, stay mF longer than an
Arctic exploror. When it comes to
grabbing that tip piece, they get
busier than a one-fingered banjo
player at a barn dance.
THE oldgovernment cost of put
THng olblack polish on russet
shoes was ten cents the first half
mile and a jit for every telegraph
pole on both sides of the track.
Now the porters give you the tip
and keep the shoes, Science con
quers brute strength.
WRECKS are getting more ex
Wpensive every daylight sav
ing hour. Costs a sack of kale to
keep the wick burning in the red
lamps. Reminder of the old days.
when the old man would pull and
haul around the corner glue pot and
then stagger home feeling very nu
merous. Mather always kept the
red lamp burning in the parlor
busted window. She knew when a
wrec-k wasn coming home. Running
a railroad is pretty mucehness ilke
steering a home. The green lights
don't mean anything.'
TH iblie will kiok in with tiin
extra assessment, They always
get the lean part of the fat. All the
pub wants is a seven or an eleven.
A LL they get is two sixes.
Weakness of the
A Washington physician
a serious' complaint against
several fraternal insurance
the District, and able, throt
insurance laws, to do about a
almost prohibitive assessm
deficiencies of capital stock t
home offices remote from Wa
man with the particular ins
in his letter, the monthly pay
ment has been gradually inor
over $21 per month. The hold
seventy years of age. This r
deliberately freezing out older
years to obtain benefts for i
Under present laws in th
missioner has no control ove
assessments, as in many othei
assessments or insist that the
figures. A fraternal assessm(
in some State fully understar
There is pending in the
SHERMAN, approved by the
ing greater powers to the Inst
was drawn by the American I
ing to protect the insured tl
laws throughout the country
Former Commissioner W.
pert in insurance subjects, bi
the District. As matters eta
have no teeth and insurance c
to take advantage of this sit
referred to does not stand alo
3E's LOOKING EVERYWHERE.
A couple of girls have written you
to say indignantly that they wear
roll-top hose and intend to continue
doing so, and the men can look the
other way if they don't like it. They
take the attitude that they are being
criticised, whereas all the comments
I have read gave me the impression
that the writers were glad of the op
prtinity of witnessing bare knees.
And that's my view. I've seen two
today and am waiting for tomorrow.
V. 8. 8.
AND THIS FROM A. R. C.
No. men don't bate roll-top hose.
and are not likely to look the other
The Editor is informed that a let
ter carrier In the banking center is
"so well off" that he evidently has
two pairs of shoes, inasmuch as he
appeared on duty the other day wear
ing one black and one tan shoe. On
the salaries letter carriers are paid
the only wonder is that they are able
to have even one pair of shoes. *
WHEN ARE THEY
I am one of several scores of occu
pants of a solid block of attached
houses in Mt. Pleasant. each equipped
with a sleeping porch in the rear. In
one dwells a newly married couple
who seem to think the porches are for
everything but sleeping. They hate
oonverted theirs into a moon parlor
and every evening invite friends to see
it. When conversation lags around the
midnight hour they usually bring out
the Victrola and we poor mortals who
are trying to sleep are regaled with
everything from Al Jolson to Carous.
What are we to do? se pil? OAurs.
They are selling post cards
at Atlantic City reading: "Hav
ing a fine time; am down for a
change and rest." The hotels
are getting the change and the
waiters the rest. L. R. T.
Several contributors state that the
canal lizards of Great Falls, Md.,"
are adding to their membership and
to their supplies of tight-kneed
A PRODLEM IN eQUARE5.
A number of contributor' have
submitted problems involving the
placing and addition of numbers in
squares, but they have not been
printed because of difficulty in con
centrating the answers in small
space. This one in the same line is
submittd by ELMER WILLIAMS:
Arrange the number' from 1
to 25 ieclusive in twenty-five
squares, so that whether added
in either a horizontal, perpedic
uar or diagonal direction, the
rows of five numbers each will
each total 65.
ANSWERED AT LAST.
H. G. L. contributes this:
And what's so rare as a day in June?
Why, a country band' that plays in tune;
A honeymoon that doesn't end moon;
A 'possum dinner without a coon;
A lovers stroll without a spoon;
A terman band with no bassoon;
Arus day without a blloon:
Or a soological garden with no baboon.
Or a padded cell without a loon;
Or a current event without a cartoem;
Or a vaudeville show with no buffoen;
Or a political party with no lampoon;
Or a boarding house meal without a prune.
Is Mary Pickford a moon
hiner? A Washington paper
quotes Owen Moore as saying:
"Mary ii the best girl in the
world. I love her stIll."
J. L. P., Jr.
Those "love siek hounds of Emer.
son street (N. E.) must have giveri
B. V. T. fleas. Emerson street i
right there on love M. I. C.
I went down to Chesapeake Beach
thinking to and just plain humari
beings. To my hard luck I ran inte
a perfect epidemic of c e-atere
and liuettem leafing arond the
anin .pawil, R.J.A. N.
)f many years' practice write
heavy burdens being laid by
isociations operating within
gh many weaknesses in our
they please in the levying of
its upon members to meet
brough faulty management at
hington. Starting as a young
urance association mentioned
rments were $2. That assess
lased until the last rating was
er of the policy is not far from
ort of policy is equivalent to
members who have saved for
heir loved ones.
e District the Insurance Com
ir assessments or methods of
States. He can not limit the
y shall not go beyond certain
ant organization losing money
ids that it can "even up" on
Senate now a bill by Senator
District Commissioners, giv
range Commissioner. The bill
lar Association, which is seek
irough more or less uniform
GWYNN GARDINER, an ex
is long urged better laws for a
nd today our insurance laws
>mpanies of all kinds disposed
nation may do so. The case
ie. The public needs full pro.
The diver doesn't strive to be
clever, but he pulls some DEEP
The bolshevist may not be s
wise but he's pretty RED.
The iceman never has trouble
- finding a job because he always
has his PICK.
The seaman may not be an
auctioneer but he knows how to
handle a Sail.
If elected President the wood
worker would know how to make
a CABINET. PAUL WHITE.
When yeu are weary
And your brain I. in a rut,
Forget about your sorrows
And be a H. and S. nut.
HIDDEN TREASURES IN
FRED VETTER was told this story
by a Baltimore friend, and he's afraid
it's going to start a big rush of
Washington fishermen to the waters
around Baltimore: Two men fishing
in the river near Baltimore struck
something, hauled in, and found the
hook sunk into the end of a one-inch
rope. Hauling the rope tight it was
evident they could not handle what
was attached to it. So they fastened
the rope to the motorboat and pulled
into shallow water. They found the
rope to be part of a sling and within
the sling were three caaes of Scotch
whiskey. The cargo had apparently
been put overboard by some sailor,
who attached a "can-buoy" to it.
Whieh kind of girls make the
most successful vampires,
b londes or brunettes, auburn
haired, red-headed or black-hair
ed' Your many experts ought
PEGGY S., MARGARET TOO.
BEAUTY PARLORS ON CARS.
I wish to suggest to the street
car companies that they ought to
set aside a small space in each
car as a beauty parlor, in which
made-up girls may powder their
noses and apply their lip sticks.
To increase the revenues there
should be an extra charge of 5
cents. L. B.
R. LEROY MORRIS buggests that
the popularity of the public golf
links would increase if a tournament
could be arranged by the authorities
THE "MATHS" ARE RIGHT
THERE WITH "THE GOODS."
W. J. SPILLMAN'S mathematical
pussle excited great interest among
the mathematicians, but they came
across splendidly with the correct
answer. The column is indebted to
Mr. Spillman for consistent efforts to
keep the figure manipulators entew
The pussle is explained clearly by
W. F. ATKINSON and other., who
find that A equals 7: B equals 3: C 2:
D 6: E F4; G1, and H9. With this
setled the problem is a simple one of
long division, the answer being 23.
Mr. ATKINSON observes "that what
it takes to dope things out H. and 5.
folks have got."
Correot anewar'. are by E. C. R.,
LEAH OLASSMAN, ALBERT D.
ADAMS. H. A. SAUR, J. P. TUBBA
NATHAN PARKCINS, ELMER WI~e
LIAMS, R. M. C.., L. A. WOLFE. M.
FITCHETTE. FRED T. HAFELFIN
GER, PEGGY NEA L. J. 13., L. F. HIfl
H. B. ROSSELL, .1. E. P., and 0. H. T.
The reports of a recent murder
made a gruesome tale which grew
some with each repetition.
NATH AN PA RKINS says that FRaD
HAFELTINGER is the only one who
correctly answered his own ladder
prohlem, hecause the problem was not
clear to many of the best maths.
"The foot of the ladder is distant
from the wall not 4 feet hut ahnut
4.7N3 feet. since it is tangent to the
intervening pipe." he ays.
That problem is still attractins at
tention. as evidencerd by further let
ters from .lOHIN B. TA VIOft. C. A. 3.
Mr-. L.IltlGE and others.
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