The Washington times. [volume], July 09, 1923, Image 14

About The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939

Image provided by: Library of Congress, Washington, DC

                
World’s
Humor
THE bazar was in full swing
when a young man strolled
round the stalls. He had
no Intention of buying anything.
As he passed a tastefully dec
orated stall, the pretty sales
woman detained him.
“Won't you buy a cigarette
holder?’* she asked.
“No, thank you, I don’t smoke,’’
was the curt reply.
"Or a pen-wiper worked by my
©wn hands?’’
"I don’t write.”
“Then do have this nice box of
Chocolates.”
"I eat sweets."
The young woman's patience
Was exhausted.
“fllr,” she said grimly, "will
you buy this box of soap?”
The young man paid up.—Lon
don Tit-Bits.
Author —“Why did you leave
the theater last night before the
p‘ay was finished?”
Friend —“I am not responsible
’ for that. I’m a sleep-walker!”—
Kasper (Stockholm-.
“You can’t Imagine how much
tioubled my husband is about
my health!"
“Well, look at the high funeral
expenses nowadays.”—Fliegende
Blatter (Munich).
Visitor —"What’s up? Had a
bad day?”
Financier —“Yes. I’ve lost ovdb
$5,000, and the worst of it is that
S2O of it was my own money!”—
Passing Show (Londpn).
Teacher (jocularly)—“Do you
know anything worse than a
giraffe with a stiff neck?”
* Pupil—“ Yes, sir.”
Teacher —“What?”
Pupil—“A centipede with corns.”
Kasper (Stockholm).
The Poet —"The editor’s bought
my ‘Ode to a Sparrer’—he was
crazy to print it.”
The Critic —“That’s what I
thought when I read it!” —Sydney
Bulletin (Australia).
First Girl —Can’t you drive that
car yet? Why, Mr. Gold-Browns
has been giving you lessons for at
least a month.
Second Girl —Yes, I know —but
he hasn’t proposed yet!—Passing
Show (London).
“Gladys has just got a job as
detective in one of these big
shops.”
“I don’t envy her, do you?
Fancy being known as a “plain
clothe's’ woman!” London Opin
ion.
Policeman —Didn’t you hear me
call you to stop?
Driver—l didn’t know It was
you. I thought it was someone
I’d run over.—London Mail.
Sandy had just met his girl at
the end of the street, where she
was waiting for him. She was
looking into a confectioner’s win- -
dow when Sandy made his pres
ence known by remarking:
“Weel, Jennie, what are y’ gaun
to have the nlcht?”
She, not inclined to ask too
much, replied: “Oh, I’ll just tak
what you’ll tak, Sandy.”
“Oh, then, We’ll tak’ a walk,”
•aid Sandy, as he led her away.—
Pearson’s Weekly.
> “The difference between a wom
an and a glass,” said the funny
fellow, “is that the glass reflects
without speaking, while a woman
•peaks without reflecting.”
“And the difference between
, you and a glass, ’ said the sharp
girl, “is that the glass is pol
ished.”— Auckland Weekly News
(New Zealand).
“This question seems to puzzle
you.”
“Not the question—but the an
swer.” Sondage Nisse (Stock
holm).
LOOK OUT FOR
A rolling pin when a book
•gent comes in the <Joor.
Tacks when you get up in the
morning to close the window.
A raise in the rent when the
landlord makes repairs.
An explosion when the boss
gives you a cigar.
A doctor when you sit on a
needle.
Trouble when your mother-in
law decides to pay you a visit.
Beach cops when you don’t
wear stockings at the beach.
Safety Last
Dumb —What caused the big
• fire?
Bell—One of the girls lit a
safety match on the fire extin
guisher.
Famous Suits.
Your best suit. A short suit.
A damage suit. The suit at the
tailor’s. A breach of promise suit.
That suits me.
’ US BOYS ~ ■ By Tom McNamara
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THE WASHINGTON TIMES ♦ * The National Daily ♦ ♦ MONLAY, JULY 9, 1923.
Tickle Your
Funny Bone
"I must ask you not to hang
about here.”
“And ’oo might you be?”
"I’m the secretary of this
club.”
"Oh, are yer? Well, that ain’t
the way to get members.” —Re-
produced from Punch (London) by
arrangement with the proprietors.
"We’ll miss all you city folks
in the winter, sir, that we will.
But we’ll be thinkin’ o’ ye—
me goin’ ’bout my work an’
Hir’m jest settin’ an laughin.’ ”
"Say, Bud; did ye see that
swallow?”
“See that Swallow?”
"That bird?” •
“No; what did it swallow?”
She—Why were you sitting in
the window while I was singing?
He—Because I wanted to show
the neighbors that I wasn’t beat
ing you.
Lovesick Damsel—You believe
that two can live as cheaply as
one, don’t you, dad?
Dad—Of course, my dear. But
remember, I’m the man who
writes the "Better Business Out
look” articles.
"What would you call nerve?”
"To take shelter in an umbrella
shop during a storm and leave
without buying an umbrella.”—
Kasper (Stockholm.)
"You say Simpson is a patient
man?”
"Patient? Why that man would
just as soon use one of these
paper lead-pencils as not.”
First Neo-Impressionlst—l hear
Whatto made quite a hit at the
Modern Show.
Second Neo-Impressionlst—Yes.
He pasted a tire wrench, a silk
stocking and a powder puff on i
canvas and called it “Romance.**
Mandy—Yoa’ll ’minds me ob one
o’ dem flyin' mashlnes.
Rastus —How cum, woman, how
cum, kase ahs sech a high flyer?
"No, sah; cullid man, hit’s jest
kase yo’ ain’ no use on earth.”
"What’s the matter with Gertie
Giraffe?”
“Oh, Eddie Elephant just told
her she looked like a map of the
Thousand Islands.”
Teacher—How old were you
your last birthday?
Gracie—l haven’t had my last
birthday yet!
“Did you give the taxi driver
a satisfactory tip?”
“I did, but it wasn’t”
Johnson —I’ll bet Walton does
n’t tell that awful fish story of
his again. I told him we’d cut
him if he did.
Jackson—l see. So it has now
become a canned fish story!
After due thought and consider
ing both sides of the question,
we think it would be just as
well if the Klansmen kept their
masks on.
“He wears those darling blue
ties with white dots in them.”
Yes! I like that in a man.”
She —Before we were married
you told me you were well off.
He—So I was. But I didn’t
know it.
Sara
FALLS
EXCURSIONS
THURSDAYS
July 19. 26, August 2. IS. SO.
September 13, 27 and October 11
Round $16.80 Trip
From WASHINGTON
Tickets good in parlor or sleep
ing cars on payment of usual
charges for space occupied, in
cluding surcharge.
Booklet sent upon request to
O. T. Boyd. G. P. A., Philadelphia
TRAIN LEAVES
Eastern Standard Time „
WASHINGTON ■ •••— A - M ‘
Dining Car Attached
The ideal Route to Niagara
Falla, giving a daylight ride
through beautiful Susquehanna
Valley.
Proportionate fares from other
points. Tickets good for 16 days.
Pennsylvania R. R. System
The Standard Railroad of the
World.
NOTICE!
the new
S. S. “BERKSHIRE”
SAILS BALTIMORE TO
BOSTON
JULY 13, SO
AND THE NEW
S. S. “ALLEGHANY”
TO
SAVANNAH-JACKSONVILLE
JULY 13, 24
OTHER SAILINGS AS USUAL TO
NORFOLK. BOSTON, SAVANNAH
JACKSONVILLE
Merchants and Miners Trans, Co,
1406 NEW YORK AVE. N. W.
WASHINGTON. D. <V