Newspaper Page Text
V ' ♦ \ SiAf4 VOL. I. MIDDLETOWN, NEW CASTLE COUNTY, DELAWARE, SATURDAY MORNING, APRIL 18, 1868. NO. 16. friert {jjoctrg. THE NAME IN THE NANO. Alone I walked the ocean strand, A pearly Bhell was in my hand ; I ato pped and wrote upon the sand My name—the year—the day. As onward from the spot I passed, One lingering look behind T cast— A wave came rolling high and fast, And washed my lines away. 'twill shortly bo earth for me ; oblivion's sea Will sweep across the place Where 1 have trod the sandy shore Of Time, and been to be, no inoro— Of me, in y fame, the name 1 bore, To leave no track or trace. And so, methought; With every mark on A wave of dark And vet with Him who counts the sands, holds the waters in His hands, 1 know a lasting record stands Inscribed against my name Of all this mortal part has wrought Of all this thinking soul has thought, And from these fleeting moments caught, For glory or for shame ! ' Jojjular SCalcH. WHY I DIDN'T PBOPOSE. BÏ SHIRLEY BROWSE. Reader were you ever in love ? Because if you were I needn't neces sarily turn the dictionary upside down to express my own personal sensations on the evening of the thirteenth of December and no matter what year ! I was in love— that's quite enough to say ! I would have run my devoted head against any number of stonewalls for Edith Morny's sake ; I would have packed all my stocks, bonds, and mortgages in a pile, and put'em on the baek of the fire, at her sweet signal ! I would have cut off my right hand, or my left haud, or even my head itself, and ask no questions ! I believed thut Edith was au angel, and was ready to battle to the death, with any man who would presume to hiut otherwise. And if that isn't being in love, I should like to know what is. How lovely she looked, in the soft flush and flutter of the ball room, with the roses glowing in her oval cheeks, and the sub dued fire in her magnificent Oriental eyes, and the vivid scarlet of her full lips ! And then her hair—purple, blauk as the under side of a raven's wing, with its wonderful floating masses of ringlets ! I felt my heart tangled momentarily i - "lose shin ing purplish coils—I knew it was a "gone case" with me, and 1 didn't care ! How was she dressed ? Well that is hardly a fair question to put to a man, hut she had something pink and glimmering with a cloud of white lace floating over it and pearls upon her throat and wrists and there was a long tail of pink flowers hang ing down her curls, which always looked as if it were to fall, and which kept its place, nevertheless, with marvellous ex actitude I That was how she was dressed when we had the last waltz together, and she returned the pressure of my hand with the softest, shyest littlo touch in the world. It was late when I returned home from the party where I had irrevocably lost my heart. * The little bronze clock on the bracket between the windows, was just striking two, and the fire smouldered dim ly in the grate, with nowand a then clink ing fall of cinders in the fender below, but I could no more sleep than 1 could have gone to Paradise ! I poked the fire and turned up the gas, and sat down in my patent leather boots and lavender silk neck tie to maunder over a faded rose that Edith had given mo from her bouquet du hall, and try to write wretched poetry, where rhyme and reason were ailke atrocious ! (But just remember reader, I was scarcely a responsible being—I was in love!) " I will call at the Marklyn Hotel to morrow morning and propose formally ; l cannot live in this suspense." Such was my maudlin reflections as I crept to bed at four in the morning, with the rose under my pillow, aud the poem un finished. I could not find a rhyme to ' ' Slyph" let me cudgel my brains as I would, and "Sylph" was the only word in the English language capable of expressing what my Edith really was. " If you please, sir," said my servant, " there was a card left for you last night." " A card—let's sec it." It was a bit of pasteboard on which was hurriedly written: " Charlie Dever eux, Marklyn Hotel, one day in town." "Hallo! it's my old collcgo crony! I ejaculated. And what wind blows him in to the Marklyn House 'i I must see Char ley by all means—and—and afterwards I will lay my fate at Edith Morny's feet. For my courage, so highly strung over night, had been cooled considerably in the gray, uncompromising light of the winter morn. Not but that I was deeply iu love as ever —but then a proposal is a ticklish sort of thing as all the museuliue world knows. Suppose she should make a pretty little courtesy, and say "No I thank you!" what an embarassing position that would be for a fellow, ch V Suppose she should declare " that she had always respected you as a friend, hut that in any other light, sho could never aetî I felt my courage oozing out like Bob Acres' at these awful possibilities! But then, the contrary, suppose she should say " Yes," and put up her cherry lips to be kissod, by way of sign, seal and deliver ment ? By all the heathen gods and god desses, I would propose ! So I put on my tightest boots, and trim on meat coat, and stiffest collar, girdled about with a narrow, rose-colored ribbon, and pulled on a pair of lemon colored kid gloves and viewed myself in the mirror with tremulous agitation ! Of course the unwonted excitement had reddened the tip of my nose until it had resembled bunelc, and, of course a poisonous little pimple had blossomed out on my forehead, and my hair saturated with much perfumed bear's grease, flattened itself down on my forehead until I looked more like a convict from Van Dieman's land, than a respecta ble young man of twenty-third street, New York city. Such things always do happen when a man wants to look his best. " I'll call on Charley first—that will quiet my nerves a little, and pass away time until noon," I reflected, glancing at my watch. Only ten o'clock—time is wniged with lead to-day !" "What is .the number of Mr. Dever eux's room ? I demanded of the sleek looking clerk, who sat in the office of the Marklyn Hotel, with a pen bphind his ear." a car The clerk glanced up at a magic row of numbers with keys hanging beneath them and then referred to a ponderous book the desk before him, and said—" Mis— ter Dev— creux? Seventeen, sir,—sec ond floor, to the left." So I ascended the .stairs, reverentially, remembering how often Edith's tiny feet must have flitted up the soundless velvet carpet,—(don't judge me harshly, reader —remember I was only twenty-three, and madly in love,)—and, wondering what I should say, or how I should behave if my queen should unexpectedly cncouuter me on her way down to breakfast. But she didn't, and I went counting along, thirteen, fifteen and seventeen. The door was ajar—I resolved to take advantage of circumstances, and surprise my old friend, CMiarlie. * 4 Won't he be astonished?" I said to myself, with an intense chuckle, as I softly pushed the door open, aud crept in as noiselessly as the creaking boots—con found 'em—would allow. ou But the room tout ary to my expecta tion«, was empty—a large sized room very dirty and very disorderly—with chairs scattered around in motionless confusion, the dead drift of the last night's fire still choking up the grate, and the table and dressing bureau crowded with a miscella neous conglomeration of articles that I could hardly associate in my bewildered mind with Charlie Devereux. There was daubed carmine saucer, and a bottle of rouge, with a brush in it. What the mischief could Charlie be doing with rouge? And a box of pearl powder, with a portion of its contents liberally be sprinkled over the toilet covers ; and a faded boquet, and a dirty white satin slip per, and, oh, worse than all, a wig of jet black curls with a long pink train of flowers still clinging to its tresses. I stared around me hopelessly. Shade of Venus, there was a set of false teeth in a tumbler of water griuning at me from the window sill. Where was I ? What did all this mean ? I asked myself. Had Charlie got married surreptitiously and did his wife fall to pieces like a wonderfully constructed machine, and serew together in the morning? I felt my blood run cold at the idea. At the same moment a door to an inmÿ apartment opened, and a tall figure came out, a woman's figure, clad in, I think, the very dirtiest and most crumpled old silk wrapper, it was ever my fortune to behold—a woulan, with slippers flapping down at the heel as she walked, and a cor onet of curl papers round her head, and faded though she was, with cheeks the color of a tallow caudle, and dull eyes, I recognized her at once. " Miss Edith Moray !" "Good gracious, Mr. Chelmsford!" "I—I beg your pardon, Miss Moray" I stammered, feeling myself flush as scarlet as blood. 1 have been directed to the wrong room. 1 never for an instant imag ined that— "Go go!" she ejaeuluted, motioning me to the door, and instinctively, puttiug up her hand to conceal the curl papers. And I opeued, rattling down the stairs at a rate that would have astonished any casual spectator. " Clerk !" I cried, thrusting my hoad belligerently into the little square uper ture, " what the deuce did you mean by directing me to number seventeen ?" "Number Seventeen, sir?" " Yes, Mr. Devereux's room?" " I didn't say seventeen, sir?" asserted that mendacious villain. 1 ' * said seventy one." And he clung to the miserable falsehood with a pertinacity worthy of a better cause. I turned away, disgusted at human nature, and rushed up stairs a second time, (on this occasion with no sentimental reflec tions concerning carpets and feminine foot falls,) to find Charles Devereux. . And all the time I felt as a man feels who has stood on the very verge of a pre cipice and been dragged baek by some merciful hand. Could it he possible that tho faded, wan creature, could be the glori ous Edith of my love dreams ? Suppose I had never found out about the rouge pot, the false teeth, and the soiled silk wrap per, until, oh, fate, how could I ever he sufficiently thankful for the kindly interces sion in my behalf. Charlie was at home in number seventy one, smoking his cigar and looking ns jolly and handsome as ever. " You're not married yet, old fellow?" was one of his earliest questions, when we had nearly wrung each other's hands off. "No, and not likely to he." Pale "Just wait until you see my sister," said Charlie, calmly. Well, I have waited, and Charlie's sis ter married a member of Congress, and Edith is yet shaking her curls in the mat rimonial market, and the girls arc begin ing to talk of me as a settled old bachelor. 15ut what is a fellow to do ? I can't ask to examine their teeth, as if they were horses, nor can I pull their curls, as if I were a barber, nor have I the confidence to burst into their apartments at ten o'clock at night, to sec wether they have any rouge pots or pearl powder there ! I suppose there are some genuine arti cles. Charlie's sister was one, but a fel low does run such an appalling risk, and I shall never cease congratulating myself on the escape I had once upon a time. One lesson of the kind ought to be enough, and, in my case it shall be. These are my rea sons why I didn't propose. Discovery of Pompeii. Tlic London Quarterly Review has the following interesting article on the discov ery of this ancient city, and the progress made in itsexhuamtion : During a period of sixteen hundred and sixty-nine years Pompeii remained buried and forgotten. In the year 151)2 an ar chitect, named Dominico Fontana cut a Fubtcrranean canal under the sight of the city for the purpose of conveying Water from the river Sarno to tho town of Torre del' Annunziatta. In constructing this canal the workmen came often upon the basements of buildings ; no curiosity ap pears to havebeen excited, and no steps taken to prosecute further researches. Nearly a hundred years later fresh ruins were discovered, and an inscription with the word Pompeii. But even this failed to awaken any practical ' interest. At length, when the accidental discovery of Herculaneum had drawn the attention of learned and scientitic men to the subject, Alcubierre, a Spanish colonel of engineers, who had been employed to examine the subterranean caual, was led, by the dis covery of a house, with statues and other objects, "to conjecture that some ancient city lay buried there, overwhelmed by the great eruption of Vesuvius in 70. Having obtained permission of Charles III. the king of Naples, he commenced early in the year 1748 the excavations of the street called the Strada della Fortuna. Ilis la bors were soon rewarded, for in a few days he discovered " a picture eleven palms high, containing festoons of eggs, fruits, and flowers, the head of a man, large, and in good style, a helmet, an owl, various small birds, and other objects." The next discovery of importance was tho skeleton of a man, covered with the lava mud. By his side were found eighteen brass coins, and one of silver. Before the end of the first year of the excavations, the amphi theatre, which is capable of holding ten thousand persons, was laid bare. The op erations, however, were carried on with deplorable dilatoriness and the royal ex chequer was by no means liberal. The ex cavators, who worked in chains, were chiefly condemned felons, or Mohammedan slaves. No stranger was permitted in the ruins. Accurate records of the discoveries were kept ; the most important pictures were detached from tho walls, after copies of them had been taken ; and the buildings in which they were found were again cov ered with rubbish. Then some progress had boon made in the excavations, stran gers were admitted on the payment of an exorbitant fee ; but all attempts to take copies of frescoes were discouraged. The short period during which the French occupied Naples was distinguished by a more liberal and enlightened policy. Under the patronage of Caroline, the wife of Murat, the works were carried on with great vigor, and many remarkable discov eries were made. The amphitheatre, which had been filled up again, was re eleared ; the forum was laid open ; and the greater portion of the Street of Tombs was uncovered. The return of tho Bourbons to favor was not conducive to the progress of tho excavations. The revolution which drove them finally from Naples gave Pom peii another chance. Garibaldi was ap pointed dictator. But, however brave Und patriotic as a general, he was-scarcely fitted for the functions of administration. He gave the directorship of museums and excavations to Alexandre Dumas, the French novelist ! The now director quite alivo to tho dignity of his position, .and kept it up with princely magnificence. But ho had no notion of its responsibili ties. It is said that he paid but one visit to tho ruins. His rule was happily short lived ; for on the accession of Victor Emanuel to the throne of Italy, Giuseppe Fiorclla, a distinguished antiquarian schol ar, was appointed director-general of the works. The appointment has proved most judicious. Pursuing a regular system, noting ' ' every appearance or fragment which might afford or suggest a restora tion of any part of .the buried edifice, repla cing with fresh timber every charred beam, propping every tottering wall or portion of brick work," the new comme ndatore has succeeded in exhibiting not a confused and undefined mass of crumbling ruins, but a town, in the integrity of its outlines and the order of its arrangements. Street af ter street has been uncovered. Temples, baths, markets, tombs, stand out just they stood eighteen hundred years ago. The villa of the J)oet, the forum, tho coun ting-house, the baker's shop, the school room, and tho kitchen, carry us into the very heart of Roman life in the brightest days of tho empiro. The jewelry of beau ty, the spade of the laborer, the fetter of the prisoner, and the weapons of the sol dier, arc all there, reproducing and reali ira :if zing the past with a vividness that scarcely be conceived. Pompeii, overwhelmed, and, as it were, hermetically sealed in the very height of its prosperity, preserved from the ravages with which the Goths and Vandals visited the ancient glories of Italy, and from the sacrilegious and almost as destructive pil lagings of modern hands, brings the very past to our doors. Within its silent streets are " buildings as they wore originally de signed, not altered and patched to meet the exigencies of new fashions ; the paint ings undimmed by the leaden touch of time ; household furniture left in the confu sion of use ; articles, even of intrinsic val ue, abandoned in the hurry of escape, yet safe from the robber, or scattered about as they fell from the trembling hand, which could not pause or stop for its most valu able possessions ; and in some instances, the bones of the inhabitants, bearing sad testimony to the suddenness and complete ness of tho calamity which overwhelmed them." There are tho very ruts which were made by the wheels of chariots fly ing, perhaps, from the impending ruin ; Ihme are the water-pipes, in the eavitiisof which, sealed by.the hand of time, the splashing fluid can still be heard ; there are rude and grotesque inscriptions, scratch ed by some loiterer on the stucco, and fresh as when they excited the mirth of the passer-by ; there are egg-shells, bones of fish and chickens, and other fragments of a repast of which the people whose skele tons lie near them were partaking when the catastrophe overwhelmed them ; there are the stains left upon the counters of drinking shops by wet glasses ; there the vials of the apothecary, still contain ing the fluids which he was wont to dis pense ; there are the ovens, in which loaves of bread, carbonized, but otherwise perfect, may yet be seen ; there are vases with olives still swimming in oil, the fruit retaining its flavor, and the oil burning readily when submitted to the flame; there are shelves, on which are piled stores of figs, raisins, and chestnuts, and there are amplwrœ, containing the rare wines for which Campania was famous. About one-third of the city has been disinterred. In this portion some six or seven hundred skeletons have been found. can as are It is reasonable to assume that if the whole city were uncovered the number of skele tons would be about two thousand. But Pompeii contained at least twenty thou sand inhabitants. The White Ant. —An odd story is largely credited in India in regard to the voracity of the white ant. A gentleman hav ing charge of a chest of money placed it on the floor, where it was speedily attacked by these destructives, who soon annihila ted the bottom of the box and the bags containing the specie, which fell piece by j*eco into the hollows of the Termites' burrow just underneath the floor where the box was placed. When the coin was de manded it w^s not to be found, but the attacks of the ants were incontestable, and the story got abroad that their teeth were capable of devouring metal. Some years afterward when the house was undergoing repairs, tho whole sum was found several feet deep in tho earth in the midst of the ant-nest. White ants once attacked a British ship of the line, the Albion ; she was obliged to put into port in conse quence, and had to be broken up. These orcatures are much relished as food among the natives of the interior of India, as well as those of Africa. In India before the migration of the ants, two holes arc bored in the nest opposite to each other ; on the leeward side a pot is placed, which has been rubbed with aromatic herbs; on the windward side a fire is made, tho smoke of which drives the insects into the pots. These captured victims arc then securely fastened in, dried over the fire, ground into flour, and made into a pastry, which is sold to poor people, but which, if used abundantly produces dysentery. At the time of the migration of the ants in Africa, myriads of them fall into tho water, which the natives skim off the surface with cala bashes, then grill them in iron cauldrons over a large tire, stiring them as ooffoc is stirred. The natives eat them by hand fulls, without accompaniament or other preparation, and consider them very deli cious. They are said to resemble in taste sugared cream or sweet almond paste. The Hottentots eat them very greedily when boiled, and grow plump and fat upon the food. They also consume the pupæ of the ants, which they call rice, on account of its resemblance to that grain. They cook these in a small quantity of water. A large nest will sometimes yield a bushel of the pupæ. Dr. Livingstone, when on tho banks of the Tonga, in south Africa, being visited by one of the chiefs, gave him some bread and apricot-jani, and pre sently asked him if he had ever before eaten any food so good. " Did you ever cat white ants?" he questioned. "No," said the Doctor. "Well then," Paierie res ponded, "if you had, you never would hnvo desired to have eaten anything bet ter." The white ant ia a common article of food among the low caste Hindoo tribes in Mysore and other districts of India. Tho female termite in particular is suppos ed by the Hindoos to be endowed with highly uutritiveproperties. Mr. Consett, in his travels in Sweden, in 1789, states that he knew a young Swede who ate live ants with the greatest possible relish, and in some parts of Sweden ants are distilled with the rye to give a flavor to inferior kinds of brandy.— Ladies' Treasury. The first ingredient in conversation îb truth; the next, good sense, the third, good humor, and the fourth, wit. Who Should Marry. In the March number of the Herald of Health, Mrs. E. Oakes Smith has tide on "Choosing a Wife," from which we make a few extracts : It is not wise to marry a woman of a dif ferent religious faith, nor one far removed from your own social rank ; nor an igno rant woman. Do not marry a woman with thin lips and a glib tongue. Do not marry a sentimental woman, who is sure to run into the lackadaisical one ; let her love sentiment, high, noble senti ment, but beware of the sentimental. Do not marry one of the delicate, die away women, who are sure to degenerate into iuvalids, and take a pride in their feebleness. Only handsome men and women ought to marry. Those having a mens Sana in corpore sano. Let others look the matter squarely in the face, and admit that their imbecilities, their diseases, their unhand some looks, their discordant minds, ought not to be perpetuated ; and let them go to work manfully to make the best of them selves by eschewing marriage. Let them be honest, hearty old maids and bachelors, earning money for the good of others, teaching, and farming, and helping on good and wholesome ideas. The tiue, good, and handsome men and women adapted to marriage ought to be treated with distinguished honor in the world, as benefactors of the race as fore shadowing that beautiful future when we shall be hardly lower than the angels and covered with glory and honor. One reason why it is well to marry a pretty woman in preference to a plain one, is that the former is more free from jeal ousy and discontent than the latter. Being better satisfied with herself, she is more likely to be pleased with others. It is better to marry a full-sized woman than a little one, for the meanness of stat ure is apt to ,*,*0 through the character also. A certain roundness of contour ; a compo sure and self-poise, devoid of heaviness or sluggishners ; an elastic buoyancy, a bright uppish look, more of pride than vanity ; a clear, open eye, arid pure, child-like smile; hands and feet well-proportioned, not too small, are outlines easily discriminated and constitute a safe, reliable character. A cheerful woman, one who will not make mountains of mole hills ; who can find something bright and beautiful everywhere; who has pretty feminine resources, and knows how to devise ways and means to make others happy and content about her, is a jewel of inestimable worth. The voice (not for singing) is a great in d icator of character. Beware of those high, sharp tones of voice, as well as the too low and hesitating, the first belongs to a shrew, and the last to deceit and imbecil ity Cheerfulness of temper, candor that re jects every species of falsehood, and owns to the truth at any peril ; tenderness to be detected by a fondness for and faithful care of pets, rather than by outward expres sions; purity, instinct in thought and ac tion ; intelligence to appreciate all that is noble and good; and health, sound and elastic, are traits to insure duty as a wife and happiness in a household. au ar Engaging Manner«. It is the duty of all, young and old, rich and poor, to dress as tidily and as be comingly as their tastes and circumstances will permit, and in every situation, and iu all companies, to exhibit the deportment characterized by kindness, courtesy and consideration. A nameless one has writ ten : " Thcve are a thousand pretty, engaging little ways, whieh every person may put on without running the risk of being deemed affected or foppish. The sweet smile, the cordial bow, the earnest move ment in addressing a friend, the inquiring glance, the graceful attention which is so captivating when united with self-posses sion—these will insure us the good regards of even a churl. Above all. there is a cer tain softness of manner which should be cultivated, and which, in either man or woman, adds a charm that almost entirely compensates for lack.of beauty, and ines timably enhances thé latter, if it does ex ist.— Hall's Journal of Health. The following is said to have been the direction on a letter left at an Indiana post office : Rostmaster, blease to sent him strait, Bennsvlvany ish der Staignt; Olt Venango, data der gounty, Vere oil Lours out mitHeavcn'i Franklin, she's der gounty seat, Her Bostofficc on Liberdy sthreet ; Sharlcy Taylor, he's der man ; Send her ynst so quick 's you s pounty, Nothing sets so wide a mark between a vulgar and noble soul as the respect and reverential love of womankind. A man who is always sneering at woman is gen erally a coarse profligate, or a coarser bigot. Nice beef may be known by its color ; the fat will be of oily smoothucss and in cline to white, rather than yellow, while the lean will be of an open grain, bright red. Yellow fat is a sure sign of an infe rior quality. If ladguter begets fat, it is do less true that scolding is the parent of meagre ncss. The virago is scraggy—scragginess is the badge of all her tribe. Who over saw a plump termagant? What sculpture is to a block of marble education is to the human soul. IS it and lumotî. SEALED PROPOSALS. In Louisville a young man issued a leap year invitation, and sent the following no tice to contractors for publication in the Courier ; The undersigned, feeling the need of some one to find fault with and grumble at, when business mutters go wrong ; and being lonely, with no one to hate him ; and, whereas, having arrived at the p per age, he is therefore determined " come out." Sealed proposals will be received until 12 o'clock P. M. of the 31st of December, 1868. Applicants must possess beauty or its equivalent in currency, the latter much preferred ; both would not be objected to. She must possess a sweet and forgiving disposition, and when one cheek is kissed turn the other—that is, if the right man is kissing. She may not chew gum, nor wear long dresses in the street ; nor fre quent sewing circles ; nor go around beg ging for charitable purposes ; nor read the paper first in the morning ; nor talk when I am sleepy ; nor sleep when I am talk ing ; nor trade oft' my clothes to wander ing Italians for flower vases ; nor borrow money from my vest pocket while I sleep ; nor hold a looking-glass over iny face at such times, to make me tell all I know. She must believe in sudden attacks of chills, and make allowances for their effect on the nervous system. When her " old bear" comes home from " a few friends," rather affectionate, she must not take ad vantage of his state and wheedle him into trips to watering places. And, above all, she may not, on such occasions, put ipecac into the coffee she prepares for his " poor head." She must sit up for him, when he hap pens to be detained to a late hour on his "committee," or at the "lodge." But when he does return, tired and chilly, if she has retired, she will be expected as a good wife should, to roll over to the other side, and give him her warm place. A lady possessing the foregoing qualifi cations, positive and negative, can hear of something to her advantage, by address ing the undersigned, inclosing a red stamp. All proposals must be accompanied with satisfactory evidence of the ability of the applicant to support a husband in the style to which he Inis been accustomed. ro to Ludicrous blunders some times occur in cases when ignorant persons attempt the use of language of the meaning of which they know nothing. Not long since, while traveling from Pittsburg to Cincin nati, two rather verdant specimens of the female sex came on hoard the boat at one of the landings, whom, for the sake of dis tinction, we will call Mary and Jane Now, Mary had her eye teeth cut, or in other words, was acquainted with the rules and regulations which govern genteel soci ety. Jane, the younger, had never mixed in Bociety to any extent. Her language was such as she had heard among her rustic acquaintances. Mary was aware of this fact and therefore cautioned her to observe how she (Mary) acted, and govern herself accordingly. Shortly after, while seated at the dinner-table, the waiter asked Mary what part of the fowl she would have. She informed him in a very polite manner that it was ' ' perfectly immaterial." He accord ingly gave her a piece, and then inquired of Jane what part she would prefer, believe I will take a piece of the immate rial too." "I Dr. Dwight and the Farmer. —As the Rev. Dr. once passed through a region of very poor land, he said to a farmer : "Sir, I perceive your land here is not very productive." sir," said the honest farmer, "our land is just like self-righteousness." " Ah ! how is that ?" " Why, the more a man has of it, the poorer he is." " N An Irish soldier, who now and then in dulges in a "wee dhrap," was thus ac costed by the reviewing general : " What makes your nose so rod ?" " Plaze yer honor," replied Patrick, "I always bloosh whin I spake to a general officer." " Mother, can I go and have my pho tograph taken? 44 No, I guess it isn't worth while." 44 Well, then, you might let me go and have a tooth pulled out ; I never go any where." 4 4 Where are you going ? asked a little boy of another who had just slipped fallen down on an iev pavement. "Going to get up," was the blunt reply. and Domestic Drama.—M other in the cel lar splitting wood, daughter in the parlor singing to Clarence Fit« Noodle the plain tive air, 44 Who will care for mother now." ' ' Am I not a little palo ?" inquired a lady who was short and corpulent of a crusty old bachelor, like a big tub. "You look more was the blunt reply. When does a farmer act with rudeness towards his corn ? When he pulls its ears. A codfish breakfast and an India-rubber coat will keep a man dry all day. Three things to govern—Temper, tongne and conduct.