Middletown transcript. [volume], April 18, 1868, Image 1

About Middletown transcript. [volume] (Middletown, Del.) 1868-current

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VOL. I.
MIDDLETOWN, NEW CASTLE COUNTY, DELAWARE, SATURDAY MORNING, APRIL 18, 1868.
NO. 16.
friert {jjoctrg.
THE NAME IN THE NANO.
Alone I walked the ocean strand,
A pearly Bhell was in my hand ;
I ato
pped and wrote upon the sand
My name—the year—the day.
As onward from the spot I passed,
One lingering look behind T cast—
A wave came rolling high and fast,
And washed my lines away.
'twill shortly bo
earth for me ;
oblivion's sea
Will sweep across the place
Where 1 have trod the sandy shore
Of Time, and been to be, no inoro—
Of me, in y fame, the name 1 bore,
To leave no track or trace.
And so, methought;
With every mark on
A wave of dark
And vet with Him who counts the sands,
holds the waters in His hands,
1 know a lasting record stands
Inscribed against my name
Of all this mortal part has wrought
Of all this thinking soul has thought,
And from these fleeting moments caught,
For glory or for shame !
' Jojjular SCalcH.
WHY I DIDN'T PBOPOSE.
BÏ SHIRLEY BROWSE.
Reader were you ever in love ?
Because if you were I needn't neces
sarily turn the dictionary upside down to
express my own personal sensations on the
evening of the thirteenth of December and
no matter what year ! I was in love—
that's quite enough to say ! I would have
run my devoted head against any number
of stonewalls for Edith Morny's sake ; I
would have packed all my stocks, bonds,
and mortgages in a pile, and put'em on
the baek of the fire, at her sweet signal !
I would have cut off my right hand, or my
left haud, or even my head itself, and ask
no questions ! I believed thut Edith was
au angel, and was ready to battle to the
death, with any man who would presume
to hiut otherwise.
And if that isn't being in love, I should
like to know what is.
How lovely she looked, in the soft flush
and flutter of the ball room, with the roses
glowing in her oval cheeks, and the sub
dued fire in her magnificent Oriental eyes,
and the vivid scarlet of her full lips ! And
then her hair—purple, blauk as the under
side of a raven's wing, with its wonderful
floating masses of ringlets ! I felt my
heart tangled momentarily i - "lose shin
ing purplish coils—I knew it was a "gone
case" with me, and 1 didn't care !
How was she dressed ? Well that is
hardly a fair question to put to a man, hut
she had something pink and glimmering
with a cloud of white lace floating over it
and pearls upon her throat and wrists and
there was a long tail of pink flowers hang
ing down her curls, which always looked
as if it were to fall, and which kept its
place, nevertheless, with marvellous ex
actitude I That was how she was dressed
when we had the last waltz together, and
she returned the pressure of my hand with
the softest, shyest littlo touch in the world.
It was late when I returned home from
the party where I had irrevocably lost my
heart. * The little bronze clock on the
bracket between the windows, was just
striking two, and the fire smouldered dim
ly in the grate, with nowand a then clink
ing fall of cinders in the fender below, but
I could no more sleep than 1 could have
gone to Paradise ! I poked the fire and
turned up the gas, and sat down in my
patent leather boots and lavender silk neck
tie to maunder over a faded rose that Edith
had given mo from her bouquet du hall, and
try to write wretched poetry, where rhyme
and reason were ailke atrocious ! (But
just remember reader, I was scarcely a
responsible being—I was in love!)
" I will call at the Marklyn Hotel to
morrow morning and propose formally ; l
cannot live in this suspense."
Such was my maudlin reflections as I
crept to bed at four in the morning, with
the rose under my pillow, aud the poem un
finished.
I could not find a rhyme to ' ' Slyph" let
me cudgel my brains as I would, and
"Sylph" was the only word in the English
language capable of expressing what my
Edith really was.
" If you please, sir," said my servant,
" there was a card left for you last night."
" A card—let's sec it."
It was a bit of pasteboard on which
was hurriedly written: " Charlie Dever
eux, Marklyn Hotel, one day in town."
"Hallo! it's my old collcgo crony! I
ejaculated. And what wind blows him in
to the Marklyn House 'i I must see Char
ley by all means—and—and afterwards I
will lay my fate at Edith Morny's feet.
For my courage, so highly strung over
night, had been cooled considerably in the
gray, uncompromising light of the winter
morn. Not but that I was deeply iu love
as ever —but then a proposal is a ticklish
sort of thing as all the museuliue world
knows.
Suppose she should make a pretty little
courtesy, and say "No I thank you!"
what an embarassing position that would
be for a fellow, ch V Suppose she should
declare " that she had always respected
you as a friend, hut that in any other
light, sho could never aetî I felt my
courage oozing out like Bob Acres' at
these awful possibilities! But then,
the contrary, suppose she should say
" Yes," and put up her cherry lips to be
kissod, by way of sign, seal and deliver
ment ? By all the heathen gods and god
desses, I would propose !
So I put on my tightest boots, and trim
on
meat coat, and stiffest collar, girdled about
with a narrow, rose-colored ribbon, and
pulled on a pair of lemon colored kid
gloves and viewed myself in the mirror
with tremulous agitation ! Of course the
unwonted excitement had reddened the tip
of my nose until it had resembled
bunelc, and, of course a poisonous little
pimple had blossomed out on my forehead,
and my hair saturated with much perfumed
bear's grease, flattened itself down on my
forehead until I looked more like a convict
from Van Dieman's land, than a respecta
ble young man of twenty-third street,
New York city. Such things always do
happen when a man wants to look his best.
" I'll call on Charley first—that will
quiet my nerves a little, and pass away
time until noon," I reflected, glancing at
my watch. Only ten o'clock—time is
wniged with lead to-day !"
"What is .the number of Mr. Dever
eux's room ? I demanded of the sleek
looking clerk, who sat in the office of the
Marklyn Hotel, with a pen bphind his
ear."
a car
The clerk glanced up at a magic row of
numbers with keys hanging beneath them
and then referred to a ponderous book
the desk before him, and said—" Mis—
ter Dev— creux? Seventeen, sir,—sec
ond floor, to the left."
So I ascended the .stairs, reverentially,
remembering how often Edith's tiny feet
must have flitted up the soundless velvet
carpet,—(don't judge me harshly, reader
—remember I was only twenty-three, and
madly in love,)—and, wondering what I
should say, or how I should behave if my
queen should unexpectedly cncouuter me
on her way down to breakfast.
But she didn't, and I went counting
along, thirteen, fifteen and seventeen.
The door was ajar—I resolved to take
advantage of circumstances, and surprise
my old friend, CMiarlie.
* 4 Won't he be astonished?" I said to
myself, with an intense chuckle, as I
softly pushed the door open, aud crept in
as noiselessly as the creaking boots—con
found 'em—would allow.
ou
But the room tout ary to my expecta
tion«, was empty—a large sized room
very
dirty and very disorderly—with chairs
scattered around in motionless confusion,
the dead drift of the last night's fire still
choking up the grate, and the table and
dressing bureau crowded with a miscella
neous conglomeration of articles that I
could hardly associate in my bewildered
mind with Charlie Devereux. There was
daubed carmine saucer, and a bottle of
rouge, with a brush in it. What the
mischief could Charlie be doing with
rouge? And a box of pearl powder,
with a portion of its contents liberally be
sprinkled over the toilet covers ; and a
faded boquet, and a dirty white satin slip
per, and, oh, worse than all, a wig of
jet black curls with a long pink train of
flowers still clinging to its tresses.
I stared around me hopelessly. Shade
of Venus, there was a set of false teeth
in a tumbler of water griuning at me
from the window sill.
Where was I ? What did all this mean ?
I asked myself.
Had Charlie got married surreptitiously
and did his wife fall to pieces like a
wonderfully constructed machine, and
serew together in the morning? I felt
my blood run cold at the idea.
At the same moment a door to an inmÿ
apartment opened, and a tall figure came
out, a woman's figure, clad in, I think,
the very dirtiest and most crumpled old
silk wrapper, it was ever my fortune to
behold—a woulan, with slippers flapping
down at the heel as she walked, and a cor
onet of curl papers round her head,
and faded though she was, with cheeks
the color of a tallow caudle, and dull eyes,
I recognized her at once.
" Miss Edith Moray !"
"Good gracious, Mr. Chelmsford!"
"I—I beg your pardon, Miss Moray"
I stammered, feeling myself flush as scarlet
as blood. 1 have been directed to the
wrong room. 1 never for an instant imag
ined that—
"Go go!" she ejaeuluted, motioning
me to the door, and instinctively, puttiug
up her hand to conceal the curl papers.
And I opeued, rattling down the stairs
at a rate that would have astonished any
casual spectator.
" Clerk !" I cried, thrusting my hoad
belligerently into the little square uper
ture, " what the deuce did you mean by
directing me to number seventeen ?"
"Number Seventeen, sir?"
" Yes, Mr. Devereux's room?"
" I didn't say seventeen, sir?" asserted
that mendacious villain. 1 ' * said seventy
one."
And he clung to the miserable falsehood
with a pertinacity worthy of a better cause.
I turned away, disgusted at human nature,
and rushed up stairs a second time, (on
this occasion with no sentimental reflec
tions concerning carpets and feminine foot
falls,) to find Charles Devereux. .
And all the time I felt as a man feels
who has stood on the very verge of a pre
cipice and been dragged baek by some
merciful hand. Could it he possible that
tho faded, wan creature, could be the glori
ous Edith of my love dreams ? Suppose I
had never found out about the rouge pot,
the false teeth, and the soiled silk wrap
per, until, oh, fate, how could I ever he
sufficiently thankful for the kindly interces
sion in my behalf.
Charlie was at home in number seventy
one, smoking his cigar and looking ns jolly
and handsome as ever.
" You're not married yet, old fellow?"
was one of his earliest questions, when
we had nearly wrung each other's hands off.
"No, and not likely to he."
Pale
"Just wait until you see my sister,"
said Charlie, calmly.
Well, I have waited, and Charlie's sis
ter married a member of Congress, and
Edith is yet shaking her curls in the mat
rimonial market, and the girls arc begin
ing to talk of me as a settled old bachelor.
15ut what is a fellow to do ? I can't ask to
examine their teeth, as if they were horses,
nor can I pull their curls, as if I were a
barber, nor have I the confidence to burst
into their apartments at ten o'clock at
night, to sec wether they have any rouge
pots or pearl powder there !
I suppose there are some genuine arti
cles. Charlie's sister was one, but a fel
low does run such an appalling risk, and I
shall never cease congratulating myself on
the escape I had once upon a time. One
lesson of the kind ought to be enough, and,
in my case it shall be. These are my rea
sons why I didn't propose.
Discovery of Pompeii.
Tlic London Quarterly Review has the
following interesting article on the discov
ery of this ancient city, and the progress
made in itsexhuamtion :
During a period of sixteen hundred and
sixty-nine years Pompeii remained buried
and forgotten. In the year 151)2 an ar
chitect, named Dominico Fontana cut a
Fubtcrranean canal under the sight of the
city for the purpose of conveying Water
from the river Sarno to tho town of Torre
del' Annunziatta. In constructing this
canal the workmen came often upon the
basements of buildings ; no curiosity ap
pears to havebeen excited, and no steps
taken to prosecute further researches.
Nearly a hundred years later fresh ruins
were discovered, and an inscription with
the word Pompeii. But even this failed
to awaken any practical ' interest. At
length, when the accidental discovery of
Herculaneum had drawn the attention of
learned and scientitic men to the subject,
Alcubierre, a Spanish colonel of engineers,
who had been employed to examine the
subterranean caual, was led, by the dis
covery of a house, with statues and other
objects, "to conjecture that some ancient
city lay buried there, overwhelmed by the
great eruption of Vesuvius in 70. Having
obtained permission of Charles III. the
king of Naples, he commenced early in the
year 1748 the excavations of the street
called the Strada della Fortuna. Ilis la
bors were soon rewarded, for in a few days
he discovered " a picture eleven palms
high, containing festoons of eggs, fruits,
and flowers, the head of a man, large, and
in good style, a helmet, an owl, various
small birds, and other objects." The next
discovery of importance was tho skeleton
of a man, covered with the lava mud. By
his side were found eighteen brass coins,
and one of silver. Before the end of the
first year of the excavations, the amphi
theatre, which is capable of holding ten
thousand persons, was laid bare. The op
erations, however, were carried on with
deplorable dilatoriness and the royal ex
chequer was by no means liberal. The ex
cavators, who worked in chains, were
chiefly condemned felons, or Mohammedan
slaves. No stranger was permitted in the
ruins. Accurate records of the discoveries
were kept ; the most important pictures
were detached from tho walls, after copies
of them had been taken ; and the buildings
in which they were found were again cov
ered with rubbish. Then some
progress
had boon made in the excavations, stran
gers were admitted on the payment of an
exorbitant fee ; but all attempts to take
copies of frescoes were discouraged.
The short period during which the
French occupied Naples was distinguished
by a more liberal and enlightened policy.
Under the patronage of Caroline, the wife
of Murat, the works were carried on with
great vigor, and many remarkable discov
eries were made. The amphitheatre,
which had been filled up again, was re
eleared ; the forum was laid open ; and the
greater portion of the Street of Tombs was
uncovered. The return of tho Bourbons
to favor was not conducive to the progress
of tho excavations. The revolution which
drove them finally from Naples gave Pom
peii another chance. Garibaldi was ap
pointed dictator. But, however brave
Und patriotic as a general, he was-scarcely
fitted for the functions of administration.
He gave the directorship of museums
and excavations to Alexandre Dumas, the
French novelist ! The now director
quite alivo to tho dignity of his position,
.and kept it up with princely magnificence.
But ho had no notion of its responsibili
ties. It is said that he paid but one visit
to tho ruins. His rule was happily short
lived ; for on the accession of Victor
Emanuel to the throne of Italy, Giuseppe
Fiorclla, a distinguished antiquarian schol
ar, was appointed director-general of the
works. The appointment has proved most
judicious. Pursuing a regular system,
noting ' ' every appearance or fragment
which might afford or suggest a restora
tion of any part of .the buried edifice, repla
cing with fresh timber every charred beam,
propping every tottering wall or portion of
brick work," the new comme ndatore has
succeeded in exhibiting not a confused and
undefined mass of crumbling ruins, but a
town, in the integrity of its outlines and
the order of its arrangements. Street af
ter street has been uncovered. Temples,
baths, markets, tombs, stand out just
they stood eighteen hundred years ago.
The villa of the J)oet, the forum, tho coun
ting-house, the baker's shop, the school
room, and tho kitchen, carry us into the
very heart of Roman life in the brightest
days of tho empiro. The jewelry of beau
ty, the spade of the laborer, the fetter of
the prisoner, and the weapons of the sol
dier, arc all there, reproducing and reali
ira
:if
zing the past with a vividness that
scarcely be conceived.
Pompeii, overwhelmed, and, as it were,
hermetically sealed in the very height of
its prosperity, preserved from the ravages
with which the Goths and Vandals visited
the ancient glories of Italy, and from the
sacrilegious and almost as destructive pil
lagings of modern hands, brings the very
past to our doors. Within its silent streets
are " buildings as they wore originally de
signed, not altered and patched to meet
the exigencies of new fashions ; the paint
ings undimmed by the leaden touch of
time ; household furniture left in the confu
sion of use ; articles, even of intrinsic val
ue, abandoned in the hurry of escape, yet
safe from the robber, or scattered about as
they fell from the trembling hand, which
could not pause or stop for its most valu
able possessions ; and in some instances,
the bones of the inhabitants, bearing sad
testimony to the suddenness and complete
ness of tho calamity which overwhelmed
them." There are tho very ruts which
were made by the wheels of chariots fly
ing, perhaps, from the impending ruin ;
Ihme are the water-pipes, in the eavitiisof
which, sealed by.the hand of time, the
splashing fluid can still be heard ; there
are rude and grotesque inscriptions, scratch
ed by some loiterer on the stucco, and
fresh as when they excited the mirth of the
passer-by ; there are egg-shells, bones of
fish and chickens, and other fragments of
a repast of which the people whose skele
tons lie near them were partaking when
the catastrophe overwhelmed them ; there
are the stains left upon the counters of
drinking shops by wet glasses ; there
the vials of the apothecary, still contain
ing the fluids which he was wont to dis
pense ; there are the ovens, in which
loaves of bread, carbonized, but otherwise
perfect, may yet be seen ; there are vases
with olives still swimming in oil, the fruit
retaining its flavor, and the oil burning
readily when submitted to the flame; there
are shelves, on which are piled stores of
figs, raisins, and chestnuts, and there are
amplwrœ, containing the rare wines for
which Campania was famous.
About one-third of the city has been
disinterred. In this portion some six or
seven hundred skeletons have been found.
can
as
are
It is reasonable to assume that if the whole
city were uncovered the number of skele
tons would be about two thousand. But
Pompeii contained at least twenty thou
sand inhabitants.
The White Ant. —An odd story is
largely credited in India in regard to the
voracity of the white ant. A gentleman hav
ing charge of a chest of money placed it
on the floor, where it was speedily attacked
by these destructives, who soon annihila
ted the bottom of the box and the bags
containing the specie, which fell piece by
j*eco into the hollows of the Termites'
burrow just underneath the floor where the
box was placed. When the coin was de
manded it w^s not to be found, but the
attacks of the ants were incontestable, and
the story got abroad that their teeth were
capable of devouring metal. Some years
afterward when the house was undergoing
repairs, tho whole sum was found several
feet deep in tho earth in the midst of the
ant-nest. White ants once attacked a
British ship of the line, the Albion ; she
was obliged to put into port in conse
quence, and had to be broken up. These
orcatures are much relished as food among
the natives of the interior of India, as well
as those of Africa. In India before the
migration of the ants, two holes arc bored
in the nest opposite to each other ; on the
leeward side a pot is placed, which has
been rubbed with aromatic herbs; on the
windward side a fire is made, tho smoke
of which drives the insects into the pots.
These captured victims arc then securely
fastened in, dried over the fire, ground
into flour, and made into a pastry, which
is sold to poor people, but which, if used
abundantly produces dysentery. At the
time of the migration of the ants in Africa,
myriads of them fall into tho water, which
the natives skim off the surface with cala
bashes, then grill them in iron cauldrons
over a large tire, stiring them as ooffoc is
stirred. The natives eat them by hand
fulls, without accompaniament or other
preparation, and consider them very deli
cious. They are said to resemble in taste
sugared cream or sweet almond paste. The
Hottentots eat them very greedily when
boiled, and grow plump and fat upon the
food. They also consume the pupæ of the
ants, which they call rice, on account of
its resemblance to that grain. They cook
these in a small quantity of water. A
large nest will sometimes yield a bushel
of the pupæ. Dr. Livingstone, when on
tho banks of the Tonga, in south Africa,
being visited by one of the chiefs, gave
him some bread and apricot-jani, and pre
sently asked him if he had ever before eaten
any food so good. " Did you ever cat
white ants?" he questioned. "No," said
the Doctor. "Well then," Paierie res
ponded, "if you had, you never would
hnvo desired to have eaten anything bet
ter." The white ant ia a common article
of food among the low caste Hindoo tribes
in Mysore and other districts of India.
Tho female termite in particular is suppos
ed by the Hindoos to be endowed with
highly uutritiveproperties. Mr. Consett, in
his travels in Sweden, in 1789, states that
he knew a young Swede who ate live ants
with the greatest possible relish, and in
some parts of Sweden ants are distilled with
the rye to give a flavor to inferior kinds of
brandy.— Ladies' Treasury.
The first ingredient in conversation îb
truth; the next, good sense, the third,
good humor, and the fourth, wit.
Who Should Marry.
In the March number of the Herald of
Health, Mrs. E. Oakes Smith has
tide on "Choosing a Wife," from which
we make a few extracts :
It is not wise to marry a woman of a dif
ferent religious faith, nor one far removed
from your own social rank ; nor an igno
rant woman.
Do not marry a woman with thin lips
and a glib tongue.
Do not marry a sentimental woman, who
is sure to run into the lackadaisical one ;
let her love sentiment, high, noble senti
ment, but beware of the sentimental.
Do not marry one of the delicate, die
away women, who are sure to degenerate
into iuvalids, and take a pride in their
feebleness.
Only handsome men and women ought
to marry. Those having a mens Sana in
corpore sano. Let others look the matter
squarely in the face, and admit that their
imbecilities, their diseases, their unhand
some looks, their discordant minds, ought
not to be perpetuated ; and let them go to
work manfully to make the best of them
selves by eschewing marriage. Let them
be honest, hearty old maids and bachelors,
earning money for the good of others,
teaching, and farming, and helping on
good and wholesome ideas.
The tiue, good, and handsome men and
women adapted to marriage ought to be
treated with distinguished honor in the
world, as benefactors of the race as fore
shadowing that beautiful future when we
shall be hardly lower than the angels and
covered with glory and honor.
One reason why it is well to marry a
pretty woman in preference to a plain one,
is that the former is more free from jeal
ousy and discontent than the latter. Being
better satisfied with herself, she is more
likely to be pleased with others.
It is better to marry a full-sized woman
than a little one, for the meanness of stat
ure is apt to ,*,*0 through the character also.
A certain roundness of contour ; a compo
sure and self-poise, devoid of heaviness or
sluggishners ; an elastic buoyancy, a bright
uppish look, more of pride than vanity ; a
clear, open eye, arid pure, child-like smile;
hands and feet well-proportioned, not too
small, are outlines easily discriminated and
constitute a safe, reliable character. A
cheerful woman, one who will not make
mountains of mole hills ; who can find
something bright and beautiful everywhere;
who has pretty feminine resources, and
knows how to devise ways and means to
make others happy and content about her,
is a jewel of inestimable worth.
The voice (not for singing) is a great in
d icator of character. Beware of those high,
sharp tones of voice, as well as the too low
and hesitating, the first belongs to a
shrew, and the last to deceit and imbecil
ity
Cheerfulness of temper, candor that re
jects every species of falsehood, and owns
to the truth at any peril ; tenderness to be
detected by a fondness for and faithful care
of pets, rather than by outward expres
sions; purity, instinct in thought and ac
tion ; intelligence to appreciate all that is
noble and good; and health, sound and
elastic, are traits to insure duty as a wife
and happiness in a household.
au ar
Engaging Manner«.
It is the duty of all, young and old,
rich and poor, to dress as tidily and as be
comingly as their tastes and circumstances
will permit, and in every situation, and iu
all companies, to exhibit the deportment
characterized by kindness, courtesy and
consideration. A nameless one has writ
ten :
" Thcve are a thousand pretty, engaging
little ways, whieh every person may put
on without running the risk of being
deemed affected or foppish. The sweet
smile, the cordial bow, the earnest move
ment in addressing a friend, the inquiring
glance, the graceful attention which is so
captivating when united with self-posses
sion—these will insure us the good regards
of even a churl. Above all. there is a cer
tain softness of manner which should be
cultivated, and which, in either man or
woman, adds a charm that almost entirely
compensates for lack.of beauty, and ines
timably enhances thé latter, if it does ex
ist.— Hall's Journal of Health.
The following is said to have been the
direction on a letter left at an Indiana post
office :
Rostmaster, blease to sent him strait,
Bennsvlvany ish der Staignt;
Olt Venango, data der gounty,
Vere oil Lours out mitHeavcn'i
Franklin, she's der gounty seat,
Her Bostofficc on Liberdy sthreet ;
Sharlcy Taylor, he's der man ;
Send her ynst so quick 's you
s pounty,
Nothing sets so wide a mark between a
vulgar and noble soul as the respect and
reverential love of womankind. A man
who is always sneering at woman is gen
erally a coarse profligate, or a coarser
bigot.
Nice beef may be known by its color ;
the fat will be of oily smoothucss and in
cline to white, rather than yellow, while
the lean will be of an open grain, bright
red. Yellow fat is a sure sign of an infe
rior quality.
If ladguter begets fat, it is do less
true that scolding is the parent of meagre
ncss.
The virago is scraggy—scragginess is the
badge of all her tribe.
Who over saw a plump termagant?
What sculpture is to a block of marble
education is to the human soul.
IS it and
lumotî.
SEALED PROPOSALS.
In Louisville a young man issued a leap
year invitation, and sent the following no
tice to contractors for publication in the
Courier ;
The undersigned, feeling the need of
some one to find fault with and grumble
at, when business mutters go wrong ; and
being lonely, with no one to hate him ;
and, whereas, having arrived at the p
per age, he is therefore determined
" come out."
Sealed proposals will be received until
12 o'clock P. M. of the 31st of December,
1868.
Applicants must possess beauty or its
equivalent in currency, the latter much
preferred ; both would not be objected to.
She must possess a sweet and forgiving
disposition, and when one cheek is kissed
turn the other—that is, if the right man
is kissing. She may not chew gum, nor
wear long dresses in the street ; nor fre
quent sewing circles ; nor go around beg
ging for charitable purposes ; nor read the
paper first in the morning ; nor talk when
I am sleepy ; nor sleep when I am talk
ing ; nor trade oft' my clothes to wander
ing Italians for flower vases ; nor borrow
money from my vest pocket while I sleep ;
nor hold a looking-glass over iny face at
such times, to make me tell all I know.
She must believe in sudden attacks of
chills, and make allowances for their effect
on the nervous system. When her " old
bear" comes home from " a few friends,"
rather affectionate, she must not take ad
vantage of his state and wheedle him into
trips to watering places. And, above all,
she may not, on such occasions, put ipecac
into the coffee she prepares for his " poor
head."
She must sit up for him, when he hap
pens to be detained to a late hour on his
"committee," or at the "lodge." But
when he does return, tired and chilly, if
she has retired, she will be expected as a
good wife should, to roll over to the other
side, and give him her warm place.
A lady possessing the foregoing qualifi
cations, positive and negative, can hear of
something to her advantage, by address
ing the undersigned, inclosing a red stamp.
All proposals must be accompanied with
satisfactory evidence of the ability of the
applicant to support a husband in the style
to which he Inis been accustomed.
ro
to
Ludicrous blunders some times occur in
cases when ignorant persons attempt the
use of language of the meaning of which
they know nothing. Not long since,
while traveling from Pittsburg to Cincin
nati, two rather verdant specimens of the
female sex came on hoard the boat at one
of the landings, whom, for the sake of dis
tinction, we will call Mary and Jane
Now, Mary had her eye teeth cut, or in
other words, was acquainted with the rules
and regulations which govern genteel soci
ety. Jane, the younger, had never mixed
in Bociety to any extent. Her language
was such as she had heard among her rustic
acquaintances. Mary was aware of this
fact and therefore cautioned her to observe
how she (Mary) acted, and govern herself
accordingly. Shortly after, while seated
at the dinner-table, the waiter asked Mary
what part of the fowl she would have. She
informed him in a very polite manner that
it was ' ' perfectly immaterial." He accord
ingly gave her a piece, and then inquired
of Jane what part she would prefer,
believe I will take a piece of the immate
rial too."
"I
Dr. Dwight and the Farmer. —As the
Rev. Dr. once passed through a region of
very poor land, he said to a farmer :
"Sir, I perceive your land here is not
very productive."
sir," said the honest farmer, "our
land is just like self-righteousness."
" Ah ! how is that ?"
" Why, the more a man has of it, the
poorer he is."
" N
An Irish soldier, who now and then in
dulges in a "wee dhrap," was thus ac
costed by the reviewing general :
" What makes your nose so rod ?"
" Plaze yer honor," replied Patrick, "I
always bloosh whin I spake to a general
officer."
" Mother, can I go and have my pho
tograph taken?
44 No, I guess it isn't worth while."
44 Well, then, you might let me go and
have a tooth pulled out ; I never go any
where."
4 4 Where are you going ? asked a little
boy of another who had just slipped
fallen down on an iev pavement. "Going
to get up," was the blunt reply.
and
Domestic Drama.—M other in the cel
lar splitting wood, daughter in the parlor
singing to Clarence Fit« Noodle the plain
tive air, 44 Who will care for mother now."
' ' Am I not a little palo ?" inquired a
lady who was short and corpulent of a
crusty old bachelor,
like a big tub.
"You look more
was the blunt reply.
When does a farmer act with rudeness
towards his corn ? When he pulls its ears.
A codfish breakfast and an India-rubber
coat will keep a man dry all day.
Three things to govern—Temper, tongne
and conduct.