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The old pariah derk was a rare per verter when an opening was given. A rector told his clerk to announce that during the next six weeks-probably daring the Lenten season-the vicar of-and himself wonld preach "al ternately" on Sunday mornings. The clerk's perversion took the form of an announcement that these reverend gentlemen wonld preach "to all etern ity." A vicar of Goostrey, in Che shire, said to his clerk : "Give out that there will be no service here on Sunday afternoon next, as I shall be officiating at Poorer." The moment came, and the announcement conclud ed, "aa the vicar will be a-fishing at Pecver." This notice, given early in thc century, bad little of the ludicrous about it for the congregation general ly, as the trout in Pecver brook pos tese ed aa great, a reputation sixty or seventy years ago as they have at this day. -London Spectator. Blore Than Likely. Motes-Ddt ar is a likely lookin' mule, Bastas. Bastas-Likely? To- find oat he's mo'a likely, ef yoa git neah'm ; he's Mable.-Scottish Nights. n of or BI? Need more than n Day To bring them about, nnd are always more complete ?nd lasting when they proceed with are.vly regularity to a consummation. Few of tbo observant anions ns can have failed to notice that permanently healthful changes in the haman system are not wrought by abrupt and violent mean?, and that those are the tao t salutary medicines which are progres sive. Hostet tar's Stomach Bitten isthechiof ot tbe-e. Dyspepsia, a disease ot obstinate character, U obliterated by it. Next v?*ar i* the cntenni.il of the stove pipe hat. which first came into common me In Paris in 1797._ Dobbins' Kleetrle Soap is cheaper for you to usa. ti yon foi Une directions, than any other soaps would b ? U given to you. tor by its use eloUme are tared. Clothes coat more than soap. Aak your grocer for Dobbins'. 'Xake DO other. Th Te are mid to be ninety thousand bar maids in England.. JOST try a 10c. box of Cn. carel \ the finest liver and bowel regu'ato? ever made. TITS ?topped free ?nd pturnanrnt'.y cured. Ko flu after first day's IN of Da KLUta*i G KI AT NZMVERNTOKSK. Free ff trial botfeend treat ise. Send to Pr. Kline. Sj Arch SU PhUa^P?. CA sc A RETS stimulate 1 ver. kidneys nnd bowrls. Navers cken, weaken or gripe. Mc. Votes Have been east by thousands of sufferers from impure blood, and their ver?let has settled the question of the great carat'-o power of Hood's Sarsaparilla. Every mail car brings in these letters of praise for Hood's Sarsaparilla. They tell the same wonderful story of health restored, pain and suffering relieved, and happiness brought back. They provo Hood's Sarsaparilla ' ls the best-In fact the O?ie True Blood Purifier Jf. BIH* faro all Liver Dis and nOOQ S rllKS Sick Headache. 25 cents. The Great Secret. Boerhaave, the greatest doctor of his time, -was anxious that it should go forth that even the most eminent doc tor is somewhat of a "humbug.' He carefully handed the key of a small diary to his executor, bade him open it immediately after his decease,and let the contents go forth to the world at large. When the note book was open ed, all its pages bot the last were black, and on that final one was writ ten: "Directions to patients : Keep year feet warm and your head cool, aid trust for the rest to Providence." - Thc Argonaut. A Misapprehension. A late bishop of a somewhat inquis itorial character once wrote the fol lowing query tc the church wardens of a pariah ia hie diocese : "Are the con versation and carriage of yoor clergy man consistent with his holy office ?" Tile reply was: "We can't soy nothing about his conversation, bat he don't keep ao ker ridge, "-Household Words. JOYS OF MATERNITY. VIGOROUS MOTHERS AND STURDY CHILDREN ADMIRED. Why so Many Women Are Childless-A Problem That Has Puzzled Physicians for Centuries. Reproduction is a law of nature, and no picture of joy and happiness can ?quat that of the vigorous mother and her sturdy child. Nature makes but few mistakes, and every thoughtful person must admit that a cause exists, why so many women pr? childless. The subject baffles the theories of phy sicians. Such cases are curable f nine times out of ten, as evidenced by thousands of letters on file at Mrs. Pinkham's of fice. Many a dar ling baby owes its existence to Mrs.' Pinkham's advice and the Vege table Compound. This ia :aot to bc wondered at when such tes timony as the following explains itself: " I have taken three bottles of your Vegetable Compound, one package of Sanative Wash, one box of Liver Pills; and now I have a dear little babe four weeks old, and I am welL I have to thank you for this. 41 have spent 8200.00 for doctor's billa without obtaining any relief. For my cure I only spent 85.00. "I had been a victim of female troubles in their worst form; suffered untold agonies every month; had to stay in bed, and have poultices applied, and then could not stand the pain. " My physician told me if I became pregnant I would die. I had bladder Vrouble, itching, back ache, catarrh of the stomach, hys teria and heart trou bl 2, fainting spells and lea- -r" corrha;a. Cap \A you wonder that ^?r** I sing the praises of a medicine that has cured me of all these fils?"-MKS. GEO. C. KIRCH NEB, 378 Belmont Ave., Brooklyn, N. Y. RB ^ FISO'S CURE FOR ?Utt* WHERE ALL ELS; FAILS. " Cough Syrup. Taste? Good. Des | in tims, .-old by drugglta CONSUMPTION fl THE BY MAT EAR Mother-Will be f~~jh\. ?Sown on the twenty ?/ \ fourth, with my friend, ?. A) \ Allen Estwald. He's ?jS?^} a splendid fellow, but y** yCoM ' *0U8> perhaps-so have / r/ir^' everything in trim. \3 ? But that warning is unnecessary; you are always ready. Yours affectionately, ROYAL DKNT. " That simple little note brought con sternation into the Dent household, for the cook and maid-of-all-work had just taken French leave, and it would be impossible to fill her place on ?hort notice, for servants did not flourish readily in the quiet little village. "What shall we do?" exclaimed Mrs. Deni, glancing around at her three daughters with an expression of j tragic despair. "Telegraph to Boyal that lie must bring a cook down with him," said Ahge, the youngest, with an irrepres sible smile. "Nonsense! To-morrow is the twenty-fourth, and we will have to all enter the kitchen, and take it turn about, until 1 can engage a cook." "Oh, mother 1 you know it would spoil my complexion to bend over the hot stove. That plan will never do," said fair Gertrude, folding her soft, lily-white hands. "And if we do the cooking, who will entertain Mr. Estwald?" said Mira. "Well, you know we cannot'get one now, for love or money," sighed the troubled matron. "Yes, you can, mother mine* Here is one for love," said brown-haired, brown-eyed Ange. "I will be the cook until you can get one, and Royal's fastidious friend need never know it. My name is Polly Ann, and I'll pre pare the daintiest dishes, and you can engage a boy to stay in the dining room." Mrs. Dent hesitated, but Gertrude fend Mira applauded the plan eagerly, as it would leave them free to enjoy the sooiety of rich Mr. Estwald, and try their fascinations on him, for eaoh, in the secret depths of her own mind, determined to win him, il woman's charms had any power. "You are making quite a sacrifice, Ange, my dear Child, and I do not like to have you ban-shed in that style. " "But it is self-banishment," said Ange, gaily, giving just one regretful sigh, and then entering heartily into the work before her. Boyal came at the appointed time, accompanied by a handsome man of eight or nine and twenty, with blonde hair and moustache, keen, otear blue eyes, and the winning ease and grace of one long used to the re fined and cultured circles of sooiety. The,Misses Dent were faultlessly dressed, and charmingly cordial, and Mrs. Dent beamed graciously; but Royal glanced around with a dissatis fied look. "Where is Ange?" "She-she--" the mother began, and then not being in the habit of toll* ing falsehoods, she broke down. "She has gone on a visit lo Aunt Mary's," said Gertrude, smoothly. "Must have been rather sudden 1" he said, surprised. "Ob, yes. Ange, dear child, is so flighty," murmured Mira, turning to Mr. Estwald with a sweet emile, and there the subject dropped. But passing through the back entry an honr later, Bojal was astonished to And a yonng person, half hid in a huge cook apron, in his arms ; to feel the fond pressure of soft arms around his neck, the touoh of a velvet cheek to his. "Halloo !" he oried, falling baok a step. "Oh, Boya!, don't you know me?" "Ange!" he gasped." "No-Polly Ann, the cook," she corrected, with a soft laugh. "What is the meaning of all this mystery?" he inquired sternly. "Don't speak so loud," she said, and then explained the situation. "Hang it all ! I'll have a cook, if I have to go back to town after one. Here I brought Estwald down to see you, and then find you banished to the kitchen ! I've a great mind to raise a row. "I "If you do, I-I will spoil the din ner !" she cried, in alarm, then disap peared in the pantry. Boyal glowered at tho bare wall for a minute; then a tm ile suddenly spread over his face, and he went back to the parlor, whistling cheerfully. The dinner was faultlessly cooked and served, and after it was over, and her mother came out, insisting on washing the dishes, Ange bathed her face, put on a fresh, white gown, and taking a book, sought the solitude of tho orchard. She dim bed to her favorite seat in the fork of an old apple tree, and had been there Jong enough to get rested and cool, when a gentleman came sauntering through the shady sweet ness of the old orchard. Ange did not see him in time to run away, or even get down from her perch, and sat still and almost breath less, hoping he would pass by without seeing her. Bnt he came on straight to that par ticular tree, a fold of her dress brush ing his sleeve. He glanced up, and said quickly: "I beg your pardon. " "It is granted," she said, frigidly, apparently intent on her book. He stood still. "I tin a stranger here ; came down with my friend, Royal Dent, this morning. You are a member of the family, I presume?" lifting his hat, and speaking in the most respectful tone. Ange raised her sparkling eyes, a slight smile curling her fresh, red lip?. "I sm the oook, sir." "Ab, yes! It must be delight ruHo eerve co oharming a family," leaning against a low, sweeping bough, and looking at her with friendly-very friendly eyes, thought Ange, feeling a trifle warm. "Are you laughing at them, eir?" "No, indeed; I am in earnest 1" he quickly cried. "Just as 1 thought-ready to flirt with mistress or maid," said Ange to herself, She stole a glance ut him. ? COOK* CRUS. "He ia very handsome; bat beauty sometimes covers a very deceitful heart. I shall test this fine gentle? man." He interrupted her thoughts. "May I have an apple?" ''If you like them so green. They are not good without aalt." "Then I wish I had some salt." "I will divide mine," she said, gra ciously, and held ont her pretty hand, with a lump of salt lying in it. Encouraged by her friendliness tho gentleman drew nearer, and while they partook of green apples and salt J their acquaintance progressed rapidly. Mr. Estwald exerted himself to be particularly agreeable and interesting to the pretty cook, and she listened and felt the charm of his manner, though laying up retribution for him. That meeting was only the begin ning. A week passer, and every day Allen Eetwald managed to see the cook, for Ange still filled that position, and though indignant at his persistence she could not keep the teli-take red ont of her face when she met his frank, admiring eyes, or cheek a thrill of pleasure when che heard bis voice. At last they succeeded in securing the services of a stout woman, and with a little nervous laugh Ango said Aunt Mary wished her to return home. "I will come thia evening, and be introduced at the tea table," she said, and went away tc her favorite haunt in the orchard. She felt sorely troubled. It was her duty to betray Estwald, but she shrank from the task with tremblipg dread, and finally de oided to keep silent. Just aa she had arrived at the generous conclusion he made his appearance. "3o your sit dation has been taken from you?" he said, with grave con cern. "Tee," heaving a sigh. "What will you do?" "Try to find another." "I oan offer you one if you-will ac cept it," speaking slowly and doubt fully, and ooming quite olose to her. "fou are kind," she murmured, averting her face. "What will I have todo?" "Toa will not have to cook, th all 1 give you a list of your duties?" "If you please," trembling at her own daring. **Then, the first and moBt important duty will be to love me as deeply and as truly as I do you," ooming nearer still, and stretching out his arm until it half enoiroled her. "Mr. Estwald-sir ! how dare you?" she cried ort, turning her flushed face and flashing eyes toward him. "Hush, Ange! until I have finished. "Ange? Tou know me, then?" "Tea," he said, and boldly took her hand. "Now, how long have you known?" ehe faltered, blushing deeply. "Boyal told me the Rr st day. Now, may I go on and tell you about that?" "No." "Why not, Ange, darling?" "Because I am angry-very angry and I wish you would go away," with quivering lips and tears trembling on her eyelashes. "Not until I ask you to be my wife, dear. I fell in love with your picture before I saw you, and Royal's account of your manifold perfections deter mined me to see and win you, if I could." He talked eloquently, and must have won her complete forgiveness, for when he lifted her down from her perch, he kept her olose in his arms a minute, and stole a kiss from the sweet lips, unrebuked. They met Royal at the upper edge of the orchard, and he came near hug ging them both in his intense satisfac tion. Gertrude and Mira could not grudge Ange's happiness, but they were never able to understand how she won Allen Est wald's love. "Because she is honest and true hearted, and not selfish," said their brother. "But she is not pretty." "There I disagree with you ; but there are other attraotiona besides beauty. " They continued to bo puzzled, pos sibly beoause they did not caro to understand.-Saturday Night. Thick Moss Hides the Gold. W. Sam Clark, an old resident ol Alameda County, California, who went to Alaska several months ago in search of a fortune, made a tour of that coun try, and tas sent a report to hie friends. Be tells of the great suffer ing among th? men, and how they long to come home. "I would not encour age any ono to come to Alaska this year," says Mr. Clark. "This land of glaoiers has its surface rubbed and scoured and its golden seed scattered until evrey stream and brook wiil show 'color'-hence the oiy that all Alaska is gold, and. the metal is to be found from the grass roots down, but not in quantities that will pay to work, ex cept in a few localities. When the quartz veins of the eountry aro found and the gold belt discoveied and marked on the maps, 'then it will be j time enough for men from oivilized parts to oome and locate their small twenty acres in this vant land. The moss blanket, in places several feet thick, will hide for years to come from the prying eye of the miner its golden color. There is room for all, but gold for few."-Los Angol?s (Cal.) Herald. General Miles on the Indian, A champion has risen np for the In dian in the person of General Miles. The Indian fighter has become then most aggressive of Indian defenders. This fact and an energetic defense of General Custer ard the salient points in the Miles memiors. In his opinion the redman has distinguished himself as a diplomat, statesman and warrior, and may be good even while be is alive. In speaking of Custer, General Miles says : "I have no patience with those who would kick u dead lion," and he attributes the lion's death in part to general ignorance thronghout the army as to the strength of the en emy and in ?art to the fui I ire of Major Reno to assume responsibility for the movements of his forces,-Chicago Journal, BUDGET OE FUN. HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM VARIOUS SOURCES. What It Has Come to-Two Phases Floored Htm-To Be Pitied An Intelligent Animal-A Cute Boy, Etc., Etc. Come, Johnny, bring your playthings and put them all away, ind take your father'* dinner. He can't come home to-day. Be has to J much on, hand for that, for he has got to mix With other poople on the street and argue politics. -Chicago Record. POOHED HIM. "I never saw a more perfect fit than that dress, Miss Fl ashley." "I did, when papa got the bill for it?"-Detroit Free Press. TO BE PITIED. Miss Sere Yelloleaf-'Td just like to see any man kiss me 1" Dolly Dimples-"What a hopeless ambition 1"-Baltimore News. t OVERPLUS 07 HILARITY. "Soribbs and Stubbs don't seem to be as intimato as they once were." "No; Soribbs angered Stubbs by making fun of his jokes."-Fuck. TWO PHASES. "Pop, what is inertia?" "Well, if I have it it is pure lazi ness, but if your mother has it it is nervous prostration."-Chioago Beo ord. A USEFUL PASTIME. "I understand that oroqret is in style again, Miss Bose." "Yes, we had to go back to it. I'.; is the only way we girls can get young clergymen to propose." AN INTELLIGENT ANIMAL. ' Indignant Butoher-"That dog of yours has been getting into my sausages1." Pointer-"Well, he seems to know his place."-Yonkers Statesman? -i- g A CUTE BOY. Beignald-"There is one word in the English language that is spelled atrociously." Beignald's Sister-"What is that?" "Beignald-"Why, atrociously." Judge. LOOKED BEFORE HE LEAPED. Mr. Dobson (to prospective son-in law)-"How much means have you? Can you support a family ?" Prospective Son-in-law - "Well, that depends. How many are there of you?" QUITE DIFFERENT. "I say, do you think that Wiggins is a man to be trusted?" "Trusted? Yes; rather. Why, Pd trust him with my life 1" "Yes; but with anything of value, I mean 1"-Boston Globe. COMPULSORY ADMIRATION. "Queer the authorities won't let you go to sleep in the parka " "Not at all. When flower beds cost the city thousands of dollars people are expected to stay awake and look at them."-Chioago Beoord." HTS NAME FOB THEM. Friendleigh-"How old are you, old man? I hear you are writing for the papers now. Do you get roany oheoks?" Litteneigh-"Checks! I call them throwdowns.'*-Baltimore News. LOVE'S BLINDNESS. Bingo-"I think I will take a trip to Niagara next week. Every Ameri can ought to see it." Witberby - "Haven't you been there?" Bingo-"Yes; on my honeymoon?" -Puck NATURAL ANXIETY. "Gracious I What was that dread ful crash?" "Wall of that old house fell in and killed a man." "My, I was scared. I thought my swinging shelf of jellies and preserves had given away."-Chioago Becord. CHEAPER. Clerk-"Excuse me, sir, but guests without baggage must pay in ad vance." The Guest-"All right. I'll be back in a moment." "Where are you going?" "I am going out to buy a trunk." Life. WISER NOW. "How did you get in there, in the first place?" asked the rescuers, who had pulled Mr. Kerrigan from the eanal. "Be way av the top," said Mr. Ker rigan. However it was too late to throw him in again.-Cincinnati En quirer. A SUGGESTION. Old Biohfeller (desperately)-"If you refuse me what is there left for me to do?" Sweet Girl-"Well, I read the other day about a rich man who made his will in ff-vor of the woman who re fused him, and then went out and hung himself."-New York Weekly. A CONTENTED CHILD. Fond Mother-"How do you like your new governess, Johnny?" Johnny-"Oh, I like her ever so much." "I am so glad my little boy has a nioe teacher at last" "Ob, she's awful nice. She says she don't care whether I learn any thing or not, so long as pop pays her salary." THE RULING PASSION. Wild-Eyed Lover-"This is your last chance. Cold Beauty. Speak quiokly. Do you see that can? It's full of dynamite. Promise to marry me, or I will touch it off." Cold Beauty-"Will you promise to keep me in better stylo than that hor rid Miss Port is going to live in when she marries Mr. De Bich?" - "Impossible 1" "Touch it off."-New York Weekly. IT DIDN'T WORK. Gus de Smith (who has been lured into an iee cream lair by Jennie Chaf fie)-"Do you know, Miss Chaffie,what ice cream is made of ?" "No, Gus, I do not." "It is a mixturo of skimmed milk, oleomargarine, corn starch, gelatine and glucose." "What a delightful mixture it isl" said Jennie, enthusiastically. "Please ordt'r me another dish, Gus."-Texas Sifter. TAKEN AT HIS WORD. An appeal to the methods of cha?es in any disagreement or perplexity is a very foolish thing. If one is sure of a point, he should stick to it no doubt; or, if he is trilling-as one should al trays bo when no principle is involved -to give it up to another, it is far more gr ?ice fal ard satisfactory to give it up oitright. A stery told by an orator who ro? cently .spoke on the currency question -it does not matter on which side satirizes the arbitrament of chance, as invoked in that or any other dispute. Two young men, it appears, were suitors for tho hand of a young lady. 0je ot them said to the other : "Both of us wish to offer ourselves to this lady." "That is evident." "But we do not wish to fight a duel over her." "I thiDk not." "Then 1 will tell you what we 'an do." "What?" "Let us toss up for her I" The other looked for a moment ai his rival, and then said : "Very well; I will toss np a brick, and if itt stays np in he air the young lady is yours. If it cornea down she is mine."-Youth's Companion. Number or Hour* to Sleep. "In f.ho matter of sleep," remarked a well-known physician, "there are ns many peculiar things as there are about eating-what is one man's food is another's poison. The same applies to sleep. This muoh is generally known and accepted by standard authorities on the subject, that tall or bulky people require more sleep than others, and that women can get along on much less sleep than can men. As with animals, human beings sleep much longer and heartier in the winter than at any other times. People of extrema old age require as much sleep as infants, and it is beneficial to both classes if they can sleep one-half the time, or even a greater proportion. There is one thing I would like to im press upon every one, and that is, ii is positively injurious for any one tc sleep longer than is actually necessary. "When you hear people talk ol foroing themselves to sleep long hours, it means as much as if they overdrank or overfed themselves. I ara strongly of the belief that while six or seven hours is long enough sleep for the average healthy person there aro those who need an hour or so more, as there are others who thrive mentally and physically on four hours' sleep. 'Early to bed and early to rise' is a splendid doc tri a 2, but in cases where one can not get to bed early they should nol force themselves to rise early. Sleep all you can naturally, hut never sleep for sleep's sake, or longer than is necessary."-Washington Star. Bnrglarj is Now a Science. The modera burglar is a scientist and inventor in his way. Recently a new era in safe breaking and other branches of the cracksman's art hat opened, and the famous jimmy, so long rampant on the successful burg lar's cont of arms, is to be superseded by more convenient labor saving tools. In Marseilles, France, the other day a gang of ingenious cracksmen entered a banker's office armed with a steel saw of tho newest construction and n handy .little gas engine. There was no need for the exercise of musole, nor was there any necessity for a good strong wrist at tho saw, as there was at one time in the annals of famous robberies. The ight engine was 'started, the saw put in the proper place, and the connections made. Seating themselves serenely opon a couple of chairs near at hand, these modern burglars watched the true and rapid work ol their appliances. ' The big safe might have resisted for hours the force of human hands, but the saw, impelled by the engine, it could not stand against. The stout iron safe promptly yielded up its con tents of many thousands dollars' worth of gold and bonds, and in a quarter ol the time it would have taken to have committed the robbery under the old conditions the burglars were well out of the building with their booty. . Benefits of Aerated Waters. A very general impression prevails that the cubstitution of aerated waten for ordinary drinking water is a greal safeguard against zymotic disease, Mrs. Percy Frankland shows, in a re cent article in Nature, that thougt this impression is more or less justi no ? hy investigation, it should only be encouraged to a moderate extent. The mo?t satisfactory fact established by the experiments of several investi gators refers to cholera germs, and it that these bacilli cannot live in ordi nary seltzer and soda water longei than three hours. The bacilli oi typhoid fever live much longer undei the same circumstances, and no de gree of safety from them is secured unless the aerated water infected bj them has been stored for at least s fortnight before use. Storage of the waters has been proved of undoubted service in the destruction of disease germs, and, in the absence of pre liminary precautions by the manu faoturers such as the removal of al baoteria present, by boiling, distilla tion or sufficient filtration. Mrs. Frankland recommends it as a measure of great hygienio importance. Increasing Value ol Whalebone. Whalebone promises to beoone on? of the most valuable commodities of commerce, and before the next centurj is very old it may become as highly priced as gold. It may then be the means of settling forever the mono metallist and bimetallist controversies by abolishing both, and making thc substitution of a whalebone currency possible, for there is no chance of ar oversupply of that article, and it ie quite evident that it can not be imi tated. Numerous attempts have beet made to simulate it, but none has beer successful. Not very many years agc whalebone could be purchased for $200( ti ton. At the end of last season the price was $10,000. To-day it is aboul $11,000, and it may be higher still, for the Greenland fishing this nummo: has not proved an immense suocesa At this price an old family giu^ham, of whioh whalebone ribs wei e gener ally about half an inch square, would prove a very handsome legacy, much more valuable than a gold-raountec but steelribbed umbrella of the pres ent day. A collection of the old ar ticles might form a small fortune. London Telegraph. Odd Street Stagers. A curious sight is to be met with ii fashionable West End London squares where a green cart, well horsed, and in charge of a servant, perambulates with a piano and two vocalists and QI accompanist, all wearing masks. Re ports say they are hard-up titled peo ple, which well mi?*ht be, for the oe cupiera of the houses seem to knov them and treat them well. A new copper mining field is to be opened up near Silver Cliff, in Custer County, Colorado, PHYLLIS. Ob, Phyllis Is surpassing fair, I know no maid that's fairer; Her beauty is beyond compare; No beauty could be rarer. She soorneth fickle fashion's guide, And russet is her gown Yet she's the pride of the country side And tho envy of the town! Sbe ls a queen we all declare, Though no orown she possessen, Beyond a wealth of rich brown hair That hangs in dainty tresses; Her matchless oyes have long outvied Tho gems in monarch's orown - And sin's the pride- of the country sido Aod the envy of the town! Her form Is full of fairy grace, Her voice is music mellow, Aud, ob! the bloom upon her faco Is tho red rose's te! low; Ah! he who wins her for his bride Wins more than wealth, renown For she's the pride of the country side And the envy of the iowa! -Chambers's Journal. PITH AND POINT. Barnegat-"But do you think our iandidate is sound?" Mackinaw "He's nothing else. "-Boston Tran script. A carious result of pulling the leg is ;hat no matter how tall the victim was before, he's generally a little short af ter it-Philadelphia Times. By Actual Count : "Mamma, I saw i dog to day that had only three legs." "Weren't you awfully sorry for him?" "No'm ; he had one more log than I dad.'.'-Tit-Bits. She rose agitatedly. "Janitor," she sricd through the speaking tube, "wo must have some fresh air. Suppose I should wish to inflato my bicycle. " Detroit Tribune. "You are late this morning," eaid the floorwalker to the bookkeeper, "los," replied the latter, "I was ont last night." "How muoh?" asked the floorwalker.-Pittsburgh Chronicle Telegraph. Private-"May I have a furlough for a day? We slaughter our hogs to morrow." Sergeant-"All right. If you want to stay a day or two longer, just send me word-bat wrap it up oarefully."-Fliegende Blaetter. The month ot the Illy, the month of the rose, are charming enough, just as sentiment goes; Bat for most solid rapture, as time passes by, C bank on tho month which brings in pump kin pie. -Chicago Becord. The Intelligent Domestic: "Cook, how long did you boil these eggs?" "Noine minutes, mum." "Bat I told you that I wanted my.eggs boiled three minutes." "Th o t's true, mum; but there was free eggs, mum, an' free times free ia noine."-Harper's Bazar. Had Seen Prairies : Fond Motlier "Yes, the dear httlo fellow is just full of good impulses. Eddie, if you were rich what would you do with your money?" Eddie (who had traveled some)-"I'd bay a billion stones and take 'em out to Iowa for the poor lit? tie boys out there to throw at cats." New York Weekly. "I wish you would tell me," said the agent, who had been on Mr. Snaggs's trail, "what is your insupera ble objection to insuring your life?" "1 don't mind telling you," replied Snaggs. "The idea of being more valuable after I am dead than while I om alive is distasteful to me."-Pitts burg Chronicle-Telegraph. "I dunno ez the prodigal son was so very bad, after all," said Mrs. Corn? tossel. "He wa'n't no good to his family," her h uso and rejoined. "That's a fact. But when he got home he didn't hev no more ter say. Ef he'd been like most o' the men folks nowa days, the fast thing he'd of done would of been to find fault with the way tho fatted calf was cooked. "-Washington Star. Bald Ilcaded Men Not Seasitirc. "Then, too, I think the race of men is not so sensitive as it used to be. To be bald is not criminal, and the man so afflicted takes it simply as some thing unavoidable, and when he looks around he can seo thousands to keep him oompany and give him strength to remain as nature made him. Once ho wears a wig, however, the ohances are that he will keop it on. It is a protection as well as a substitute for his lack. To take it off would be just like taking off heavy clothing in the middle of winter. "Do many women wear wigs? No ; women have the advantages over men. The poor fellow who loses hair has left to him generally a few strands that he carelully fastens across the bleared spot. The woman oan use a bang or something like that; and, anyway, she generally has a lot of hair that she can pile over the baldness." -New York Times. A Dog's P'..~port ia China. From Foochow Owney tailed to Hong Kong, where he was unfor tunately delayed and prevented from making a speed record around the world. Ho Visited the consulate, mads a round of visits to the rich tea and r.ilk merchants, and received many curious pieces of Chinese money, which were strung to his collar. From the Emperor of China Owney received a pasport bearing the royal crest and dragon, permitting him to travel in the country. But Owney did not go beyond the city, and so much red tape was employed on his departure by the Peninsular and Oriental steamer that Captain Panton, of the Viotoria, Anally decided to take the dog traveler back to Kobi, Japan, from which port he finally sailed to New York as the guest of Captain Grant, of the steamer Port Phillip. A Portable Bicycle. The "pocket bioycle" ip not a toy or plaything, but a full-sized machine, with pneumatic tire, regulation handle bar, brake of latest pattern, ballbear ings, and the thousand and oue things that go to make up a high grade ma chine. It is full size, and can be un screwed, taken apart and folded np. It looks like a seemingly hopeless task for any one but a skilled mechanic to put a bicycle together, bat the "pocket bicycle" is said to be so sim ple that any one can master the pro cess after once seeing it done. The fastening springs and tiny bolts are, for the most part, so deftly fitted into the frame work as to be unnoticeable to the casual observer. They are, however, made of the finest tempered stool, strengthening instead of weak ening the maohine. The Thousand-Mile Record. T. Edge has just broken the English lOOU-milo bicycle road reoord, by traveling from Land's End to John O'Groafs and baok to Forfar in four days nine hours and nineteen minutes. This is fourteen hours better than th? previous record. Il FULLYRESTORED, A TRAVELING MAX MADE ?ELL AKD HAPF V. Attacked by the Two Fiends, Rheuma-1 t i and Kidney Trouble, bot the Plots of Both are Foiled by the Pink Pills. From the Republican, Caribou, Me, If the term miracle can be applied to any cures In tho nineteenth century, surely tho list of such cures must contain that of Mr. 0. A. Shepard, ol Caribou, Me., who was so af flicted with kidney trouble and rheumatism that he was on the verge of giving himself up as incurable and was plunged to the dark - est depths of despair, But let him tell tho ?tory in his own words. "Early ia the fall of 18941 had fastened on to me, os I supposed, that blight of blights that horetoforo sure destroyer, 'Idney trouble, and it was slowly and surely making headway in-undermining my health for I was fast becoming unable to attend to thy duties an a traveling salesman, my back seeming; about ready to break after riding any dis tance in buggy or sleigh. The bad feeling had been growing in my bock for a period of Ave or six years, but I had not given it much attention, not supposing it to be anything bul what would wear off. But in the fall above montioned I was compellod to (rive my attention to it, for I bad to stop tm vc ll nc nnd go to doctoring myself. My efforts seemed fruitless. I grew worse and worse. I My weight was decreasing. My blood was I apparently growing poor and less in quan tity. 'Ticlnre my anxiety when vainly trying to beat off one disease another should mako its appoanincoand successfully ?ruin a foothold in my already weakened constitution. Tao last disease is one that most physicians con sider enough to do battle with and a foeman worthy t heir mixtures. It was consumption. From bad to worso I continued until I be came unable to be around and at last I Was utterly helpless. I only looked forward to tbe time when I might be released from my sufferings by the one deliverer irom all ilia. "Many were the remedies I tried and faithfully, but to no purpose. All the stuff for internal use I tried had no effect what ever on the slow and steady progress of_the diseases. The external appliances and de coctions did me no benefit at all. My suf ferings were fast besoming unbearable. My hope was ebbing away. "Just at i his time, a friend, and he was a friend indeed, nd vised roe to procure some of Dr. Williams' Pink Pills and with little faith that they would do me any good, but out of respect for my friend's advice, (I thought it would do no barm at least) I or dere.! six boxes. I took them. My blood at once began to Increase and I for the first time in many weeks had agood night's sleep! My improvement w s noticeable from the start! My weight began to increase! My appetite grew! Happy ? Well I think I was! 1 at last had found just what my system noeded to defeat the robbers preying on my health and I thought it the time to be merry. "I purchased another halt dozen boxes and when thoy were gone, two more, which eflcctually cured me. I increased In weight until from wbnt nu aim/at nothing for mo, I tipped the scales at 196 pounds, my present weight, and I owe it all to the Pink Pills. May the knowledge of them be brought tc all suffering ns I did, for I know they will bo benefited and cured, and I deem lt a pleas ure to recommend them. .'I havo traveled for thirty years and hate heard of many strange things, miracles, etc., but I think my own experience stranger than them all. "Now I cnn drive hard all day, from early morning to Into at night and not feel it. I am just os well as I ever was. No sir, I never felt any bad effects from their uso at all. lt was a gradual but sure fight nnd the Pink Pills were victorious. Long may they wave!" Dr. Williams' Pink Pills contain, in a con densed form, all the elements necessary to give new lire and richness to tho blood and restore shattered nerves. They are an un failing specific for such diseases as toco motor ataxia, partial paralysis, St. Vitus* dance,s.-iatlca. neuralgin, rheumutiem. nerv ous headache, Ihe after effect of la grippe, palpitation of tho heart, pale and sallow complexions, all forms of weakness either in malu or female. Pink Pills ore sold by all dealers, or will bo sent postpaid on receipt of price, 50 cents abox, or six boxes for t2.50 (they are never sold in bulk or by the 100) by addressing Dr. Williams' Medicine Com pany, Schenectady, N. X Thls Was Overheard. "Let's get up a game of ball," said the Tennis Backet. "All right," said the Big Fiddle. "I'll play first base." "And I," said the china Water Jug, "will take my usual position of pitcher."-Harper's Bound Table. The Cabbage and the Beet had had a race, and the Cabbage won. "It couldn't be otherwise," sighed the Beet. "The Cabbage was msde to come out a head, end I to be Beet." Profiting by Advice. Blagson-You ought to stay tit home and take oare of that cold. Graymore-I suppose I ought, but I can't spare the time. Blagson-If you don't look out for it you may get laid up. Graymore-Ob, in that case I'd find plenty of time to attend to it. STATS or Onto, Crrr or TOLEDO, 1 LUCAS COUNTY, f .*? FRAKK J. CJI EN K Y makes oath that he ii th? ?onlor partner of the Arm of F. J. CBKNIT ?fe C'0.,doing boniness ia thoCityof Toledo,County and State aforesaid, and that said firm will pay tho sum of ONE HUNDKCO DOLLARS for eaca and ?very case ot CATARRH that cannot be cured by tho use HALL'S CATA HRH CURE. FRANK J. CH KN ET. Sworn to before me and eubecribed in my i --?- i presence, thia 6th. day of December, . SEAL \ A. D. 1886. A. W. GLEASON, 1 -v- ' Notary Pubitc. Hall's Catarrh Cnre is taken internally, and i .ot s directly on the blood and mucous surfaces cf the uyatem. Bend for testimonials, free. F. J. CHENEY ?fe Co., Toledo, 0. Sold by Dmr iii ts, 75c Hall's Family Pills are tho best. _ WHEN bilious or costive, eat a Casearet, car?y cathartic, euro guaranteed, 10e., 25c. EVERi HIS OWN By J. HAMILTON A 600-page Illustrated Book, conta ing to diseases o? the human system, simplest of medicines. The book marriage; rearing and management scriptions, recipes, etc., with a full ci ica that everyone should know. This most indispeusable adjunot to be mailed, ypstpaid, to any address on Address ATLANTA PUBLIS 116 Loyd Str All Right. Jinks-See here, old boy, yea ought to do something to reduce your flesh. Yon are becoming so fearfully stout. Minks-Say, Jinks, yon ore about the fortieth friend who ha? made that ? ffensive remark today, and I'm get ting tired of it. It worses mo. Jinks-That's all right. Worry re duces flesh.-Nuggets. Hair Merit Count?. "My fat her got a box of TETTKBIK? from a friend who had obtained Jt somewhere In the West. Ho has had eczema very bad a lone time, and TETTKK:KE is the only thing that has ever benefited him. "P.es*e send by express C. O. D. half-dozen boxes. I've no doubt but it will be tu* means ot selling- a great deal of it here.1' Very truly, MRS. L. C. MAT-COLU, 591 Cranston St.. Providenc?, R. I. 1 box by mail for My. In stamp-. J. T. Snr/PTRixK, Savannah. Ga: In the world's t rod un ion of beer for 1805 Germany leads with 65 243.753 hectoliters Don't Tobacco .-pu and Mnoke Your Lifo Awny. lt you want to quit IO.JHCCO usiner easily and forever, regain lost manhood, bc made weil, strony, magnetic, ivM of new liieund vigor, lake No-To-Bac, the wonder-worker that, maku-s weak men st ron?. M?ny gan ten pounds In ten Cay*. Over 403.003 cured. Bay No-To-Bac from your own ?truu-.:iat. Under absolute guarantee to cure. Book and sample free. Address Sterling Remedy Co., Chicago or Now York. Ph-o'j Cure for Consumption baa no equal a? a Cough medicine.-P. M. Anuorr, <m Seneca St., Buffalo, N. Y" May 0. im. Mrs. Winslow's soottnng orrap xor children teething, softens the gums, roonees in rt am rn v rion. allays pain.cu res wind colic. a TH ri?. Gladness Comes With a* better understanding oi the transient nature of the mauy phys ical ills which vanish before proper ef forts-gent?o efforts-pleasant efforts rightly directed. There is comfort in the knowledge that so many forms of .sickness are not due to anv actual dis ease, but simply to a constipated condi tion of thc system, which the pleasant family laxative, Syrup of Figs, prompt ly removes. That is why it ia the only remedy with millions of families, and is eve::y where esteemed so highly by all who value good health. Its be aeflcial effects are due to the fact, that it Ls tho one remedy which promotes internal cleanliness, without debilitating tho organs on which it acts, lt is therefore allimportant, in order to g;et its bene? fiend, effects, to "noto when you pur chase, that you have thc genuine article, which is manufactured by thc California Fig Syrup Co. only, and sold by all rep utable druggists. If in the enjoyment of good health, and the system is regular, the 1 laxa? tives or other remedies aro not needed. If afflicted with any actual disease, ono may be commended to tho most skillful physicians, but if in need of a laxative, then one should have the best, and with the well-informed everywhere, Syrup of Figs stands highest and is most largely used and gives most general satisfaction?. D01WPE?D.E??''?Ca ??anamnstnmMHKBi ATLANTA, GA-, For the best Typewriter ever made. Price $50. We will buy your old machine at its full value for cash, or exchange for a New Hart ford. Wri te for catalogue today. Wo bnr, sell and exchange Typewriter.', all kinds. We carry a full line of Supplies for all Macb'nes. XX J8 Interesting, especially when it tel'? all about the NEW FRUITS ?< well as tho old ones, and offen all at very low prices, lt's Free. Send for lt. Address W. D. BEATIE, Atlanta, Ca. DON'T BE CUT KNIFE. We can cure you with nt lt. If you have the PILES use Planter's Pile Ointment. We guarantee to give instant and permanent relie'. S*-nd nvo two cent htamp* to cover postage and we will mail FREE package. Ad .ires4 Dept. A. New Spencer Medicine Co., CHATTANOOGA. TKNN. EVERY MAN His Own Doctor, By J. HAMILTON AYERS, M. D. A 600-page Illustrated Book, containing valuable information pi rtaining todisea?es t f tlie human sysiem. chowing how io tr? at and cure with simplest of medicine5. Will be mailed, postpaid, to any ad ri ss on receipt of price, SIXTY CENTS. Address Atlanta Publishing louse, 1 IO Loyd St., ATLANTA, HA. MONEY OPIUM HOLD, SIM BK ....0OOK l-HEK. Dan Danehy, Columbus, O. and WHISKY habits cared. Book tent Free.Dr.B.M.WOOLLEY.ATLANT A. aa. A. N. D....Forty-three. '9;. ueof constipation. Cascarete are the Ideal Laxa, rip or rripe, bat canto easy natural resn Ita. Sam >., Chicago, MoatreaL, Can., or Kew York, tia. ' MAN DOCTOR. !i AYERS, M. D. ining valuable information pertain showing how to treat and cure with contains analysis of courtship and 1 of children, besides valuable pre amplement of facts in materia med every well-regulated household will receipt of price, SIXTY CENTS. HING HOUSE, wt, ATI.AST ?, GA.