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Editor and Proprientor.
ofm s re:e.t, pame rae per ag,e rdn r
A Family Companion, Devoted, ttsrs Literature,~4uU
Inv r b- in Advance.adver
. - T h e p a p e r i s s t o p p e d a t t h e e x p i r a t i o n o.C .. -p e r n<N o t i c e s r L o co m n 1
tise er which it is paid. M Odvr
The i mark denotes expiration of sub Vol. XVI. W EDNESDAY
'he Purest and Best Medicine ever dae.
A combination of 1opa. Buchu, Mandrake
and Dandelion. w!th allthe best and mtos: ctura
tive :,:!pertie of all eher iters naies the grest
est Mlood Purl ler, Liver Reaulator,andLife
and Health I:esturig Agent on eart h.
No di ease or ill halth can possibly long exist
where k!: 1iitt:" :,are used, so varied and perfect
are their operatiovs.
They give rew life and vigor to the aged and InAn .
'io all whose e:: .y ets cau." irregularity of
the bowels r urinary organs.or whorequireanA p
petizer. Tonic sn:l dii! t!:La:nt. Hop itters are
Invaluable wi hout intoxicating.
No matter what your feelings or symptons qre,
that the dise:ase or ailn ent Is, use lop -Bitters.
Don't wait unt il you are sick. but if you only feel
bad or miserabie. use the Bitters at once. It may
t.nve your !ife. It has saved hundreds.
-.5O will be paid for a case they will not enre or
h.lp. Do not sultfr norlet yourI11iendssuffer,but
use and urge thm to use Hop Bitters.
':e:ttember. !!op Btteraisnoile.d drunged. drunk
en nostrar. but the Purest and Best Medicine ever
iade: the "Iuvalids Friend and Hope," and
no person or family should be without them.
Get some this day.
Bor Coron Cruz is the sweetest, safest and best
-One Hop P:a for S:omach, Liver and Kidneys is
superior to all others. Ask Druggists.
D. L C. is an absolute an irresistible cure for g
Drunkenness. use of opium, tobacco and nrcotics.
dtJi wld ist "l;itts f. CFo.I atos,\. Y.A 01
B URIAL Cin
11.-- C. CHPMN--~ N
Respectfully announce that they. have on i
hand the largest and best variety of BU- S
RIAL CASES ever brought to Newberry,
Fisk's Metalic Cases,
COFFINS of their on Mate,
Which are the best and cheapest in the
Having a FINE HEARSE they~ are pre
pared to furnish Funerals-in. town or coun
try in the most' approved manner.
Particular attention given to the walling
up of graves when desired. -
Give us a caH and ask our prices. C
B. C. CHAPMAN & SON. c
May 7, 1879. 19--tf.
(PHOC)TOG R? APH.)
Clarks' Superior~ Photos. C
Know everybode,- by these presents
Greeting. That we. are prepared to do all
kinds of portrait md landscape work in
the finest style knowni-to the art. Ferro
types, photographs, from card to 8x10
inches in size, large and smnall,- old and
young, finished in India ink, crayon, water D
or oil color, at prices never before ap- -
proached in this country.
The season of landscape or out-door pic
tures being upon us, we are prepared to
take views of .residences, or any kind of
out-door picture, sterreoscopic or single
large views, If sufficient encouragement1
is offered we will view up Newberry. If'
you wish pictures of your homes now is the
Everybody should have a picture of their
home. Visit the gallery r.nd leave your
order. The tnore tliat will take pictures
the cheaper will they come.
CL ARK BROS. .
Apr. 21, 17-tf.
Greenville & Volumbia R. R.
QEDGCED.NA E S.
On and after February 20, 1S80, the fol
lowin'g Tickets will be placed on sale at all F
Tieket offices on line of this~ Road, viz : F
ROUNir TRIP TICKETS from a.iy St:a
tion to any Station.4t-the rate of FO.UR
CENTS PER MfLaE, corirtin'g distanerboth F
ways. ~GOODf FOR TEN 'DAYS, including
day of sale. F
The BOUND -TRIP TICKETS good for
TIH'REE ~DAYS AT T HREE CENTS PER
MILE will be kept on sale as heretofore.
The ratet fdz Children. between the age of
six and twelve years wvill be half of the
R. H. TEMPLE,
Generai Superintendent. t
JALBEZ NoRToN, JR., General Ticket Agt.
Feb. 25, 9-tf. t
This elegant new Hotel is now open for the
reception of guests, and the proprietor will
spare no effort to give satisfaction -to the i
travelling plic. Good airy rooms, com
fortable bes, the best of fare, attentive, ac
commodating servants,and moderate charges
will be the rule. June 9, 24-tf.
P.reserve Your Old Books !
E. R. STOKES,
Blank Book Manufacturer
Has moved opposite the City Hall, where
his f"Jy Prepared, with first-class work
men, to do all kinds of work in his line.
3LAN~K BOOKS RULED to any pattern
and bound in any style desired.
My facilities and long acquamitance with
the business enable me to guarantee satisfac
tion on orders for Bank Books, Railroad
Books, and Books for the use of Clerks of
Court,'Sergrs, Probate Judges. Masters in
quity,-and other County Officials.
Pamphlets, Magazines, Music, Newspapers
d Periodicals, and all kinds of publL.itions
bound on the most reasonable terms and in
she best manner.
All orders promptly attended to.
E. R. STOKES,
Oct 8, 4-tf Columbia, S. C.j
Wry Goods and .7''otions.
. F. JACKON
COLUMBIA, S. C.
This well-known and popular Dry Goods
ouse, to keep in the strict line of duty,
iducements to the Public
all lines of goods, which will be sold for
le rest of the season
IT SENSATION PILES!
egardless of Cost. or
A proof of the pudding is chewing the
Lg, so come and see me or send an order.
C. F. JACKSON.
July 14, 29-tf. + -
MEDICINE FOR THE
URATINE, A medicnaco
na :n F or B lood D ise sses' ob nn g in on p r p
powers for the evils
h ch prouce alle is
N A eases es ~of the Blood, the
dUer AThae B&leys
For Liver Complaints. Harmless in action and
thorough in -its effect.
R It is unecelled for the
weof all Btood Ds
URAINE, a s-i
asssuch as Serof.
For Kidney Diseases. st.a, Tg01..*p, Boils,
A Tt-z..&rlt Reiu,
. For Rhematism. D E. ~.
For Scrofula Diseaes. ASK YOUR DUGST
-- FOR IT.
YoStet BALTI MORE, d
Woleale by DowIE&MOISE, Wholesale
ruggists, Charleston, S. C. 15-ly.
DR. S. F. FANT,
Wholesale and Retail
[)UG GIS T,
NEWBERRL- S. C.,
Offers Imported and Indigenous Drugs.
Stple aud Rare Chemicals.
Foreign and Dcrestic Medical Prepara
Fine Essential Oils and Select Powders.
New Pharmaceutical Remedies.
Special attention is called to the follow
g Standard Preparations :
ANT'S Liver Regulator.
ANT'S Elixir of Calisaya with Pyrophos
phate of Iron.
ANT'S Compound Fluid Extract of Buchu.
ANT'S Compound Extract of Queen's De
light and Sarsaparilla, with Iodide
ANT'S Soothing Syrup.
ANT'S Essence of Jamaica Ginger.
ANT'S Ague Cure-well known to every
one in the County, having been
thoroughly tested in fever and
Guratine and Iron Bitters-the great
Sole Agent for Swift' Syphilitic Specific,
me Great Eliminator of all Impurities of the
lood. The 'cure' for Scrofula, Rheuma
sn, Neuralgia and all Nervous A ffections.
Buckeye Pile Ointment, a specific for
I also offer the largest assortment of
amps, Soaps, Perfumery, Hair Brushes,
'0th Brushes, and Toilet Articles, of ev
ry description, at the very lowest pries'.
Call and examine for yourselves.
Prescriptions carefully compounded at all1
ours of the day and night.
FAR THE BEST.
Large, airy rooms. Table unsurpassed,
*nd that EXCELLENT SPRINo WATER make
equal to a seaside or mountain home.
Meals, 25 Cents Each.
Regular boarders Ten Dollars per mlonth.
HENRY H. BLEASE, Manager,
Main Str eet, Newberry, S. C.
July 7, 1880. 28-ly
WILLIAMSTON,. S. C.
Pall Session opens Aug. 2, 1880.
I will come up from Branchville and pass
ewberry on Saturday, July 31, to escort
pupils to the College.
Send for a new illustrated Catalogue.
S. LANDER, Pre/'t.
TINY TOKENS. e
The murmur of a waterfall
A mile away,
The rustle when a robin lights f
Upon a spray.
The lapping of a lowland stream
On dipping boughs,
The sound of grazing from a herd t
The echo from a wooded hill
Of cuckoo's call,
The quiver through the meadow grass a
At evening fall- s
Too subtle are thgse harmonies. $
For pen and rule,
Such music is not understood
By any school; b
But when the brain is overwrought e
It bath a spell,
Beyond all human skill and power
To make it well- a
The memory of a kindly word t1
For long gone by, t
The fragrance of a fading flower
The gleaming of a sudden smile,
Or sudden tear, s
The warmer pressure of the hand, d
The tone of cheer,
The hush that means, "I cannot speak,
But I have heard !" c
The note that only bears a verse f
From God's own word- a
Such tiny things we hardly count.
The givers deeming they have shown
But, when the heart is overwrought
Oh, who can tell
The power of such tiny things t
To make it well! C
ONLY A FARE.
BY MARY KYLE DALLAS. (
TFare, ma'am,' said the conduc
The passenger took no notice.
She was.a shabby-looking old wo
man, in rather rusty looking black,
with a frayed lace scarf around
her neck, and an old-fashioned, f
heavily worked lace veil fastened
bout her bonnet brim.
'Fare !' repeated thbe conductor
The passenger looked at him,a
ipped hand into her pocket, rum
aged in a -queer little reticule
se, carried, and after exh'austing
all th,e patience of which a car
onductor is supposed to.be pos
essed, said, slowly :
*L haven't got a penny. I sup
ose I've lost the change ,or else
'v.e had my pocket picked, and
'm going to--street, too.'
There was a pause. The con
uctor looked at the passenger
ad hesitated. It was a damp,
isty evening. The streets were
nkle deep with mire. It was
tree miles to--street, and the
ar was not half full. It seemed
nly common humanity to permit
n old woman to ride to her desti
ation, whether she had her fare
r not. But there on the plat
frm, staring through the glass
oor, our. conductor saw the face
f a car spy- a spotteor, the men
alled him-who was watch.ing
im with eager, green 'eyes, anx
>us to catch him tripping.]
Poor as his place was, twenty
en were waiting for it. His re
eipts must tally with the number
f passengers recorded on the dial
rovided by the company for that
urpose, or off went his head on
aturday night. Still he could
ot put the old woman off his car ;
nly one alternattive remained
e could pay her fatre. -
Now a fare on the-road was
nly five cents, but six o'clock
as coming and ho was hungry,
nd the supper he would have
just tim?e to snatch before his
vening trips began, would cost
im ten cents-five cents for
read and cheese, frve cents for a
up of coffee. He gave up one of
hese if he paid that old woman's
fare. You see there was another
old woman whom be called gran.
ly to be cared for, and clothes of'
ome sort must be worn, and
here were no pennies to spare.
But it was the memory of old
ranny that arose in his heart
s he dropped in the coin, touched
he bell, and nodded 'all right' to
his passenger ; and, as he stepped
from his car to take his brief rest,
e handed the old woman to the
urbstonc., and saw her safe upon
'N T din'I. wvant anything but
,he coffee,' he said, wa.rng away
he restaurant keeper's boy, as hE
>ressed the basket of rolls and
andwiches unon him. Take thal
The bread was out of reach be
Dre be felt quite safe, he was so
'ery., ver,y hungry.
At that moment an old woman
ouched the car-starter upon thc
'Tell me the name of the con
uctor on car number five?' she
aid. 'There he sits under the
bed, drinking some coffee.'
'That's Varnham-Tom Varn
am,' replied the starter, rather
agerly, for he had a relative
aiting for a place. 'If you have
ny complaint to make, there's
Le office.' But the old woman
Oh, the long, long winter, cold
nd.cruel-a winter full of terrible
torms of snow and sleet. Two
rivers on the - line were bad
frozen. Many died of lung
omplaints. The conductors suf
red too, though not so terribly,,
nd Granny had been sick, and
bere was money to be spent for
iedicine and nourishing luxuries,
nd Tom Varnham's old great
oat was stolen one night by a
hief who made his way into the
rowded lodging house.
After that he went without it,
nd he often wondered what it
vould be to be warm, and to sit
t a satisfying meal. -Life seemed
cry hard, but to give up that
oor situation and seek for better
as not to be thought of, with
'ranny on his bands.
The passengers who rode in car
umber five often snubbed their
onductor, took him to task for
he inconveniences they saffered,
nd abused him at their dinner
ables, or as they sat before their
arm grates, toasting their toes,
hile he shivered on the car plat
rm. Perhaps the shabby old
roman with the worked lace veil
1ay have done it also, for she rode
the~ car very oftLen, though she
ever.found herself again, without
'What's the matter?' asked a
'Three cars ahead stopped
ome one hurt,' replied the other.
W bat is it, conductor ?'
'Conductor of number five drop
red down,' was the response.
Some say he's dead.'
Tom Varnham lay in the midst
*f a little crowd, quite senseless
.nd very pale.
The men were talking about
'He's been starving himself and
reezing, too,' said one. 'A sick
4d grandmother on his bands ;
nd he was a clerk or something,
ever used to out of-door work.
've seen this coming for days.'
'You are the doctor, sir,' asked a
babby old woman, laying her
hand on the arm of a gentleman
vbo knelt beside poor Tom. The
'You said last week that I did
hot deserve to be called one, Madam
over,' be said, demurely.
'Oh ! IDr. Jones ! Well, that wvas
vben you couldn't cure me of th(
ieuralgia,' replied the old lady
But I want you to do something
or me. Have this young mar
>rought to my house ; he did me e
avor once, and do your best i
rim, and send the bill to me.'
The doctor nodd-ed, and wber
Porn Yarn ham came to himself he
ay in a great, old fashioned feathei
>d in a room he had never seen
yefore, and the old woman whose
'are he had paid rocked to anc
'ro beside his bed.
'You are not to talk,' she said
vaving a black fan at him, 'bu
uverything is all right. Yourgrand
nother's board is paid to that ra
acious old woman, and yot
ueedn't trouble your mind abou
inything. Go to sleep. You wen
without your bread and butter t<
give me a ride once, and I sba'n'
rorget it ,.tbough I happen to be
rich old woman instead of a poo
one, as you'd thought me.'
Tom listened, found himself in
capable of making any remark
and fell asleep again. But barn
times were over for the poor f'el
Low. Whben he wasa able to worn
again there was a fine positio1
pn. fo hm in a great whole
sale house, and he was able to
keep a pretty suite of rooms and
a servant for old Granny, and to
live with her, to her great joy.
And, moreover, it is well known
that old Madam Hover, who has
neither relative nor hobby, has
made her will, leaving all her
great fortune to Toin Varnham.
'Don't ask me why,' she said to
the lawyer. 'Perhaps you wouldn't
think it much to go hungry on a
stormy winter evening for the
sake of a poor old woman. I
could have called a-coach, and I'd
:nly.iost my purse, but he didn't
know that, and I always remem
bered just how he looked when he
sent that bread away. I knew he
was a good fellow, and so he is,
and I've a right to leave my
money according to my fancy.'
BY SLIM JIM.
When my friend, Professor Hux
ley, was in this country, I took
him to see one of the greatest of
our American . institutions-the
The Professor and I used to be
boys and girls together in our
school days at Oxford (Ohio).
His mother was our family
I never hesitated to associate
with him on that account, howev
I may be rich and highly educa
ted, but I am not proud.
Professor Huxley desired to take
a scientific observation of the falls,
to determine whether they were
dwindling away or not.; but he
refused to undertake the job with
out mv assistance.
As soon as we -arrived on the
spot, the Professor saddled his
nose with a pair of forty-horse
power spectacles, and levelled
them at the falls.
I afterwards learned that those
spectacles were made purposely
for thispurpose, and cost upward
of fifteen dollars.
Huxley is very extravagant
about such things.
Now the'only glass I used was
a ten cent glass of whisky.
And I arrived at the same de
cision he did about the final dis
appearance of the Niagara.
The only difference was that I
could see double the number of
cataracs observed by him.
After standing half a day exam
ining and annalyzing the water,
drawing numerous deductions and
a large number of corks from
champagne bottles, getting our
feet wet and still finding our
selves very dry every fifteen min
utes, we discovered, beyond all
question, that the falls were still
there, whatever might become of
them in insure.
At Professor Huxley's request,
I then went to the blackboard to
make an exact calculation of the
time old Niagara wvould require
in fading away.
Which I accomplished by the
following correct rule, whbich is
simple enough when you under
Six is a six ; 20 into 30 goes once
and two feet over; figure is a fig
ure ; 6 times nought is six
noughts; 'nothing from nothing
leaves on the 5:30 train, baggage
checked for Troy.
The acti-n of water on solid
rock diminishes it at the rate of
seven cents per cubic inch-pay
able in advance. 25 into 13 won't
go unless it is cut in two ; 40
times 1 is 41-set down the 1 and
carry the 4 out on a shutter.
-Three is a 3; 6 is half a dozen,
and two pounds and ten inches.
Two is a company, three is a
SThbe bypothbenus of thbe parallel
. ogram is equal to the square of the
base of the circle ; two of them is
equal to twice as much, so the ra
tio of 1 to 1 is the same as one to
another, or anybody else.
-Nought and six is 60--put down
the six and let the nought take
i care of itself.
- Eight noughts is 8; 5 and 7. arc
c 11 and one over.
2 Rub it all out with a danmp
spnge and put down 6,000 years,
12 months, 32 days, 25 hours, 3
minutes and a quarter.
And you have the exact time
that will be consumed by Niagara
Falls in passing out of existence.
You might object to that quar
ter of a minute but I insist on
The years may be wro.ng but 1
will stand up for that quarter of a
minute if I get knocked down.
The Professor agreed with me
perfectly-only he intimated that
there might be a mistake of a few
But you will observe that I
reached the result by a very simple
method of calculation, and there
must be something in it.
.I am so expert at ciphering that
I can bring about any result I
please with figures.
I used to be a Chicago savings
After all, Professor Huxley
adopted my figures, as his own,
and exhibited it to the w'orld.
So there can be no doubt that
the great Niagara is gradually
Those who have never seen this
marvelous work of nature, had
better go and look at it as soon'
as they can conveniently do so.
Or they will miss a grand sight.
The falls are undoubtedly in a
state of decline, and some fine
morning you will go there and
find nothing but a suspension
bridge and a lot of ruined hotels
to look at.
It is only a question of time.
The professor and I are posi
tively agreed that, in the course
of sixty centuries or so, the Falls
of the Niagara will be reduced to
the height of an ordinary mill
dam. If this does not occur just
as we say, we will make you a
present of a bottle of Hop Bit
Of course, that will be a dam's
height better than no falls at all,
but - it won't be any thing to brag
Some of us will be grey-headed,
no doubt, before that time comes.
It scoms like a long time to wait
for the proof of the statement
made by Professor Huxley and
But there is one consolation.
If there is any truth in the old
adage that "Time is Money" we
wil[-all be as rich as Cresus before
our consumptive Niagara closes
And if time is money, I wish
some kind friend would give me
change for couple of months in
The greater~ part of my wealth
consists of shares in that institu
*And I am willing to dispose of
them at a discount.
Huxley and I, having made the
remarkable and painful discovery
that Niagara would have to be
viewed with a microscope six
thousand years hence, repaired to
the nearest saloon and made a
asty estimate of the disappear
ance of a keg of beer.
Result-one hour. and three
quarters.. Thbe Professor, however,
never drinks any thing stronger
He even weakens that with
The growth of the nails is more
rapid in children than in adults,
and slowest in the aged ; gocs on
faster in summer than in winter.
so that the same nail which is re
newed in 132 days in winter re
quires only 116 in summer. The
increase of the nails of the right
hand is more rapid than those of
the left; moreover, it differs for
the different fingers. aind 'n order
corresponds with the length of
the finger, consequently it is the
fastest in the middle finger, nearly
equal in the two on either side of
this, slower in the little finger,
and slowest in the thumb. The
growth of all the nails on the left
and requires eighty-two days
more than those of the right.
Whbat is it to part with a friend
whom we shall meet again to
what it is to part with virtue and
Pedantry consists in the use of
words unsuitable to the time,
ni-a.o nd company.
A LITTLE GIL'S IMPIES.
SION OF M.ADEIRA.
It was a beautiful clear day in
October when I had my first view i1
of Madeira. The high blue rnoun- i
tains, the green shores, and the
white city of Funchal gleaming i
in the distance, looked very love- h)
ly to us as we approached the is- t,
land. About noon we anchored t
at a little distance from the city, .\
and swarms of rowboats came l
around the ship. Some of them
were full of half-naked brown e
boys, and if we threw pieces of I
money into the beautiful blue wa- a
ter, they would dive down and fi
catch them before they reached o
the bottom. Some of the other a
boats were full of men, who came i
on board bringing fans, canary- n
birds, parrots, feather flowers, F
basket-work, filigree jewelry, and a
many other things to sell. We
and some of the passengers got n
into a rowboat, after a good h
deal of trouble, because there is n
always a heavy swell there. so n
one minute the boat was very high n
up, and the next very low down. 8
When we had managed to get in I
we rowed to the city. There were e
great waves dashing up on the d
shore, and four or five bare-leg- t
ged men rushed into the water, e
and drew the boa& on land just as i
a wave came in. What was our r
surprise to 'see waiting for us,
instead of a horse and carriage, a v
great sleigh drawn by bullocks. o
This is called a bullock-car in I
English, and a carro in Portu- r,
guese. We got into one of them, o
with a great deal of laughter, and t
drove to the hotel. The driyc r
walked by the side of the carro, I
and threw the end of a greasy
rag first under oiie runner then :
under the other, to make it run :
more easily. a
When we arrived at the hotel, I
we found it was a great white r
building, with a lovely garden I
which contained mango, guava,
banana, custard-apple, and many
other trees. Among them was
what was called the moon-tree; f
it was covered with great white t
bell-like flowers, and wvas very 5
beautiful. There were. a great
many gorgeous flowers and curi-i
ous plants that we do not have int
this country;' The garden was
surrounded by a wall eight feet 1
high, and there were some fish-t
geraniums which reached abo-ve a
the top of it. Thbere was a little arch i
covered with the night-blooming.r
ceireus, and that eveuing, when the
buds had opened, noe went out to c
see them in the .moonlight. They a
were beautiful white blossoms, ast
large as a man's head, and had ai
faint perfume. Next day we took -
a hammock ride about the town
and surrounding country. Each
hammock was fitted out with a 1
mattress, pillow, and canopy, and
slung on a long pole carried by
two,. men. We reelined lazily
against the pillows, and enjoyed ~
the ride very much. The men,I
when they went up hil!, carried us 2
feet downward, but once they for-(
got, and carried us feet upw ard, I
and as the hill was very steep we I
felt as if we were standing on our
heads. The houses of Funchal
are low, and covered with white
stucco, which looks very neat, but
those of the poor have only one
window without any glass, and are I
very dark and dismal inside. The
streets are narrow, and some of
them very steep. We often pass. I
ed gardens surronnded by high
wills. over which hung lovely
flowering vines. Out in the coun
try there wvere lantannas, gerani- 1
umns, and fuchsias which seemed
to be growing wild, and great cae
tus plants everywhere.
Bright red hair is to be fasb
ionable by virtue of the dictum of'
Sara B3ernhardt, who had her
tresses dyed a sort of golden
rouge. That's all right, Sara;
but we don't care much about
fashion and shall continue to de
vote yourself to th'e girls with
raven tresses. By the way, what
does Detroit pay you for thust
bringing its girls into style ?
A man's good breeding is the
best security against other peo
nlis ill manners.
O.ME FACTS AROUT ('OL
ER.A .) RUS.
Cholera Morbus is now travel.
.ig through the couinitry, ostensi
lv for its health, but really in the
nterest of Srrowing and Suffer
ig. It has been to Oii ('itv, and
:tviPg lnd a br:f but spirited in
erview w:th it, we desire to warn
be pubiic against it. Cholera
lorbus d;oesn't --ay much. It ap
reciate- the tiet that actions
peak louder than a street Iner
hant with a ncw - kind of glue.
t is quiet and unassuming and
llows its victims to make a!i the
1ss. It is the champion wrestler
f the world, catch-as-catch-can, or
ny other hold, -and as a prize
ghter is to be avoided. It bas
o respect for the rules of the P.
L, and will strike below the belt
inc times out of ten. Without a
rord of waining it will catch a
ian in the stomach, and double
im up quicker than the kick of a
iule. If the victim be a short
ian; he will- roll up like a dough
ut. If he be a tail man he will
y together like a watch spring.
n this condition he is of no
anthly use,. unless as a worm in a
istillery. A man rolled up lido
hread on a sped! can't be expect
d to do much work. But to hear
im groan and complain and car
y om} in one way and another, you
would think he did more hard
-ork for less wages than any
ther man on the face of the earth.
n this condition he will do al
iost anything. H e will roll
ver the floor like a hoop-snake,
o the infinite amus-ement of the
eighbors' children who are doubt
ass peeping through the blinds.
Lnd to hear him yell for the cam
hor the mustard plasters, the tur
ientine, his wife and mother,
.nd all the doctors this side of the
locky Mountains, is enough. to
nove the stones of Rome to pity.
3ut it doesn't move the Cholera
Iorbus. Because the Cholera
forbus is a stayer. Every time
he victim yells, say, for aqua
ortis, the Cholera Morbus might
to heard to reply: 'O, IlI give
~ou aquafortis, y o a miserable
vorm!' and then it thumps him
n the bowels until he prays for
he rocks and hills to tumble in
Ltpon him. He does this because
to realizes that, compared with
he Cholera Morbus, the rocks
,nd hills will sit as lightly upon
in as an alpaca coat. There is
iotbing too mean for Cholera
riorbue to do. It will take a man
>f the build of' Carl Schurz, tie
Sbow-not in his middle, and offer
o sell him for a neck-tie. Avoid
t as you would the tax-collector.
-Oil City Derrick.
An old darkey being asked if
ie thought Garfield would be
lected, said-: "Well, you see when
~e used to have so much fun, long
~go, down on the river fishing we
~lways flang away all de Gar
~ish we cotch, and I don't think
-ou will hear much about dat
l~ar-Fish man arter next Novem
>er, case he'll be dan tho'd away
oo by dat time, mark what I
When the barbarous practice of
tuffing 'one's guests shall have
een abolished, a social gathering
vili not necessarily imply hard
a bor and dyspepsia. Perhaps,
vhen that time arrives. we shall
e sufficiently civ'ilized to demand
>leasures of a higher sort,. True,
,he entertainments will then, in
>ne sense, be more costly, as cul
,urc costs more than cake.
A San Fraincisco Irishman chal
enged a repeater who voted on a
lead man's . name, 'because, be.
~orra,' said he, 'the man died in
he Fourth ward, and ye are af
er voting him in the Third.
There arec 6,000 miles of tele
rmaph and telephone wires in
ecw York city.
A Philadelpia car-horse travels
5,800 miles a year in his regular
The legion of honor was insti
uted by Napoleonl. in 1802.
Now is the time to subscri be for