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The Mail Carrier Hurried.?It was on an occasion when a president of the United States was making a swing around the country. A man who was carrying the mail on a weekly route between a Missouri county seat town and a little postofflce at a country store came dashing madly down the road In the direction of the town. A farmer who saw him coming and wondered at his great haste haled him and said: '"What's the matter. Jimson? What's your great hurry this morning?" "Hurry?" Jimson repeated. "Why don't you know the president Is to be In town to-day?" "Oh, I see," the farmer replied. "You want to get there In time to see him." "It's not that that makes me hurry." "It ain't?" "No, sir! You may not know it, but this working for. the goverme'nt is mighty ticklish business, and a man has got to be awful careful or he'll lose his job. Now suppose the pres- J ldent gets off the train down here and asks about me and I ain't there, and he finds out I'm late. Don't you' see there'd be trouble right off, and I might be asked to resign?" "I see." "Yes. sir. So I ain't taking no chancea When the president steps off the train and asks the crowd 'Where is Jimson?' I'm going to be there so I can step right out and say. 'Here I am. sir.'"?Kansas City Star. The Other Way.?The grade teacher had just finished a warm plea for kindness to dumb animals in general and to cats in particular. "Now, children," she asked, "what can we do to prevent the poor cats from getting their heads stuck in tin cans?" An earnest-faced youngster, who looked as though he might have a solution ready, was waving his hand. "All right, Jimmy, let's hear your suggestion." "Tie the cans ?to the dogs' tails."? Mack's National Monthly. Pat's Wis* Choice.?Twas in the good old days when the "cat" was used freely. ? ? -- ' - -? TT If CI Scene?yuaner-aecK ui ?i. o. Hardship. Pat Murphy and Jack McLean had been breaking leave and had been ordered to receive ten strokes each of the "cat." When the time came for their punishment the captain considering their previous good behavior, said that if they wished to wear anything to protect their backs a little they could do so. The Scotchman replied that he would like to have a strip of canvas on his back. The request was granted, and then Pat, on being asked what he would like, exclaimed. "Shure, sir, If it all the same to you, I would like to have the Scotchman on my back."? London Telegraph. Will It Come to Pass??The gong struck thrice. There was a wild rush, a tramping nt ftmt a wrvr-H of command, the great doors flew open, the shining motor rolled Into the street and turned to the east. , An alarm bell under the foot of the operator clattered noisily. Vehicles turned aside, pedestrians ran for their lives. The motor suddenly stopped. A blazing structure barred the way. The crew whirled the motor Into position. A stout-armed fellow seized the crank handle and began to turn. . A rural onlooker turned to a native. "What the Sam Hill kind o' fire Ingine is that?" he asked in his rich alfalfa dialect. "That ain't a fire ingine," the native replied. "That's a movln* picture masheen. They're always gettin' there first. Here comes th' department now." And far down the street could be heard the clatter of the fire horses' coming hoofs.?Cleveland Plain Dealer. The Runaway.?The rector was sitting in his study hard at work on the following Sunday's sermon, when a visitor was tumuunceu. She was a hard muscular-looking woman, and when the minister set a chair for her she opened fire somewhat brusquely: "You are Mr. Jenkins, ain't you?" "I am," replied the good man. "Well, maybe you'll remember o' marryln a couple of strangers at your church a month ago?" "What were the names?" asked the clergyman. "Peter Simpson and Eliza Brown," replied the woman, "and I'm Eliza." "Are you indeed?" said the minister. "I thought I remembered seeing your face before, but"? "Yes," interrupted the visitor. "I'm her, all right, an' I thought as how I ought to drop in an' tell you that Peter's escaped."?St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Disappointed, But Diplomatic.?Up In Vermont the hotel business is real business, and the man who takes a room and eats a meal at one of the hostelrles is expected to pay for it without fail. If you don't believe It take a run up to Vermont and try to beat the house. In one of the little towns of the state there is a hotel proprietor called Jolly Jones. One morning after breakfast a guest was about to depart without paying his bill. Jolly walked slow ly ,to the door with, him and in a deadly tone said: "Mister' if you should happen to lose your bank roll between here and Randolph you can remember that I didn't get any of it."?Popular Magazine. Judging From Results.?There used to be a police judge in a Kentucky town who liked a toddy before his dinner. In the same town a new comer started a distillery whose product before long was famous for its fire and its potency. One day, after court adjourned, the old Judge was sipping a toddy at his favorite bar when a friend came in. "Judge," said his friend, "did you fwi II jr ail} uj nicr urw nuian} mr,> ?tr making down the street here?" "No," said the judge, "but I reckon I've tried everybody that did try it."?Saturday Evening Post. Not Selected.?Two little girls were coming home from school, when one commenced to tease the other. "I don't care," said Mabel. "You are only an adopted child. Your father and mother are not really yours." "I don't care either," retorted Grace. My papa and mamma picked me out. Yours had to take you just as you came.?Everybody's Magazine pisffllanrous grading. WOMEN WERE FAMOUS PIRATES. ' i Mary Read and Anne Bonny Flew the Jolly Roger for Years. i Ixmg before ever the suffrage was i an Issue In England, in a time when I women for the most part spent their 1 lives by their own hearth stones, there i flourished two women pirates, British i born. Real buccaneers they were, I. who swaggered and swore right lus-li tlly and sailed the Spanish Main and i slew folks with broad cutlasses and i did all the other things that wellregulated pirates were in the habit of < doing. Their names were Mary Read i and Anne Bonny, and their records I are still to be read in certain an- I cient British court records, though i they seldom-are. J Mary was one of those strange wo- ! men who have gone through life < dressed as men. She kept her se- i cret from all except a very few. Be- < fore she was 18 she enlisted as a sailor in the British navy, and a history of pirates published in London in 1 1724 by Captain Charles Johnson tells I all about her. She did well enough ] as a sailor, then enlisted in the army 1 and went with a British regiment to ' Flanders, where she fought through j a number of campaigns and was dis- i tinguished for reckless bravery and l helped keep up the reputation for 1 profanity which goes with soldiers in 1 Flanders. She called herself Frank . Read, and apparently no one sus- ] pected that she was a girl. i But, being a woman, she could not j refrain from falling in love, and finally was married to a fellow soldier of whom she had grown very fond. Then they both left the army, bought a little inn in Flanders and settled down to housekeeping. All this Seems a long way from piracy?but do not ( be impatient Mary's husband died in a year or two and she went back to her wild, masculine life, shipping as a Bailor | on a Dutch merchantman bound for the West Indies. Before the vessel reached its destination it was halted j by British pirates, who, being in need , of a sailor, took the lusty Mary, never suspeoting that the recruit to their , crew was a woman. Mary pirated for a little while with the boys, and then the ship put in at New Providence, one of the Bahama ( Islands, and took advantage of a general pardon offered to every British ( pirate except Captain Kldd and Cap- | tain Avery. They all promised to be good, the crew disbanded, and there 1 was Mary out of a Job again. I Now, the British governor of New Providence was fitting, out a privateersman at that time toharry Spanish commerce. Privateering, by the way, was the respectable and legal way of being a pirate, and was countenanced because the owner of a privateer had to divide his spoils with ( the government. Well, our Mary be- ( came a member of the crew of this British privateersman, and incidentally, it was a very tough crew she joined. One member of it was a pirate named Backam. Another was hlo wife Ann a Ttonnv. a buxom 1 wench, who, like Mary, was disguised f as a man. Anne was in real "tough klddo." Captain Johnson tells us, r while Mary was Just an honest work- 1 ing girl whom cruel fate had made a pirate quite against her will. However, Mary does not seem to have put | up any very violent struggle against cruel fate. However that was the rough and a ready Anne Bonny fell in love with 1 Mary, who, she fancied, was a man. (1 Of course, Mary had to explain and c then Anne explained and they grew s very chummy, and being women ' couldn't resist embracing each other 1 frequently, so that Rackam, Anne's 1 husband, grew very jealous of the 1 supposed "Frank," and had to be let * in on the secret for fear he would ' sneak up on Mary and insert a dirk ' between her shoulders. The bold Rackam couldn't bear 1 th^ thought of being a subordinate * and dividing up the spoils of war H with the government, so he led a mu- ' tiny, soon tossed the officers of the s ship overboard and moved his be- s longings up to the captain's cabin. It is not known whether he hoisted 1 the Jolly Roger at the masthead, 1 but probably he did, and if he didn't ? he should have. Anyhow, they went c plundering merrily over the southern ^ seas, although they do not seem to * have been as bad as some members * of the profession. Generally the crew r of a merchant ship was allowed to go s its way after everything of value had 1 been carried off. Necessarily men , were killed occasionally, but whole- 1 sale plank walking was not a feature 1 of this cruise. .Maybe it was the re- 1 fining influence of having two pirates ( of the gentler sex aboard, but the 1 chances are it wasn't. In the first 1 place there was nothing very gentle 1 about Mary and Anne, and in the second place, few members of the crew 1 knew they were women. They brand- 1 ished cutlasses and pistols, and what ! they lacked in whiskers they made ' up for in ferocity. ' And just at this stage of the game, 1 that soft-hearted Mary fell in love 1 again. A young artist had been cap- 1 tured from a British ship?Rackam 1 had an idea that he might be useful 8 in sketching scenes and drawing I charts. Pirates, you know were great c at chart making?drawing mysterious ? maps showing location of buried 1 treasure, with explanations in cipher < that it takes a Sanskrit dictionary and 1 an X-ray machine to make clear. Mary and the artist became good 1 friends long before the artist suspect- t ed that she was anything but a slen- ' der and more than unusually hand- < some boy. At night, when other members of the crew were drunk or : sleeping, these two would sit together ' in a sheltered corner of the deck and i Mary would lean back, with her head in the. artist's lap, and listen to him tell the story of his life and his ambitions. The artist seems never to nave suspecieu nis comraue ?ua ? girl, so at last Mary told him, and they were married?informally, it is . true, and without priest or license. I Pirate ships do not carry chaplains, I although license is plentiful enough i aboard them. i After the marriage the cruise went on for months, and once Mary saved i her husband's life when he had been challenged to a duel by one of the ruffians of the crew. Mary succeeded In quarreling with this man and fought him a duel herself before her husband had an opportunity to risk his life. The girl pirate?still known as Frank to her shipmates?went < ashore on a little island, and the pi- ; rate with her. Both drew their pis- i tols and fired; but neither was seri- ' ously wounded. Then they attacked \ each other with broadswords, and af- i ter a few minute?' fierce clashing Mary stabbed her enemy through the body and killed him. Then she wiped her sword on the grass and went back aboard ship and nobody thought anything of it. But it was not long after the duel that the pirate ship was overtaken by a British frigate. A short fight followed, the pirates serving their stubby cannon until a storm of grapeshot drove them from the deck. Every one rushed to the hold except Mary Read and the redoubtable Anne Bonny, who continued to load and fire the cannon. Anne in rage rushed to the companionway of the ship and roared down to the men below to come up and fight, and when they refused Jerked a great pistol from her belt and fired into the huddling curs ing mass, killing one and wounding several others. But It was of no avail, and In a little while the crew of the man-of-war came tumbling and cheering over the side of the pirate Bhip and overwhelmed its cowering defenders. All the pirates, including Anne and Mary, were put in irons and carried back to England. The artist was allowed to go free, as it was easily proved that he was a member of the band against his will, but his pirate wife was tried and sentenced to the gallows. As she was expecting soon to become a mother, a reprieve was granted her, and before it expired she Tell ill of a fever and died. Rackam, leader of the band, was hanged, but Anne, his roistering wife, was reprieved from time to time and finally illowed to go free.?Kansas City Star. SOURCE OF ALL KNOWLEDGE. At Their Beet Man Can Only Imitate Nature. Did you ever realize that Nature iias a patent office so full of inventions that man would be at a loss to get along without them, and if he had to pay royalties on all of them the price of the necessities of life *'J inn??Aaor>/1 tKnrohv 9 WUUIU UC RlCttllj lUVicaovu vitvi vuj . Long before man took to inventing labor-saving devices Nature had worked out many of the greatest inventions of the age. It would go hard with some inventors if there was a law preventing infringement upon Nature's patents. The curious thing about it is, howiver, that man has laboriously thought out his great inventions through the centuries, while all the time Nature had them ready for his 3tudy if he had only the eyes to see. It is only in recent years that we lave fully appeciated the fact that ill about us are scattered devices which serve as the foundation of most of our great mechanical prinliples. For instance, the first block and ackle, which we employ so generally :oday, was created in the eye of the Irst man born on the earth. This )lock and tackle controls the movement of the eyeballs, and is a perfect niniature of those used in ordinary nechanlcal fields. If the first invenor of this labor-saving device had inderstoood the physiology of the >ody as we know It today he would lave been saved many days and lights of hard thought and experlnent. . The first pump ever made and the no8t wonderful and powerful yet In xistence, is the heart. For its size t has a greater efficiency than any jump invented by man. There are .11 the principles of the modern force lump in the heart, and it is marvellusly up to date despite its ancient irigin. But for centuries inventors truggled with the pump, improving t slowly, and discovering the elenentary laws governing it. How nuch easier It would have been for hem if they could have taken the luman heart and studied it carefuly! The force pump would then have leen invented or copied completely. When you pick up tools and use hem you will find that many of them mvo u'hot Iq failed the hall-and :ocket Joint. . This enables one to orm mechanical labor In an eaay md efficient way. Half of our tools tnd machines would be pretty clumiy affairs without this little invenive device. Yet Nature knew of his invention long before man dis:overed it, and she utilized it in the :onstruction of the human frame. Ve have, after all, the most remarktie ball-and-socket device ever inrented right in our bodies. We could lot swkig our arms without it. Our houlder bones swing back and forth >n the ball-and-socket arrangement, vhich no one has ever yet surpassed. Even the modern invention of ballbearings was anticipated by Nature. The vertebrae of the snake consists >f a long chain of balls and sockets vhich work on the principles of the ball bearings of our bicycles and au:omobiles. Many inventions are so common :hat we do not stop to inquire about heir origin but you can rest assured that their construction by primitive man was not a simple or ;asy matter. Working in the dark, he must often have stumbled upon nechanlcal principles by accident, or possibly he copied some of his ideas from Nature. For Instance, the first md best hinge ever made was found In an oyster. Take the horny oyster >f the Pacific coast and examine its ihells. They are put together and teld there by a perfect hinge, which cannot be surpassed in efficiency by any found in your hardware store. Among birds, flowers and crawling creatures we may find the protoypes of many of our modern invenions. Nature has concealed some of hese inventions, so that for ages they were not discovered, and others are exhibited as plain as day. Possibly their very simplicity prevented man from discovering their value. Do you suppose that the inventor of the common gasfitters' pincers went to the lobster to learn the principles of his device? If not, he might well have done so, for the lobster's claw is the original gasfltter's pincgrs. Recently there have been put on the market small boxes and receptacles which cannot roll off a shelf :?r table. These boxes are made to contain small articles, such as fine gold dust, diamond chips, or any small article of value. They cannot roll off because of their peculiar oval construction. If you hit them they roll around and around instead of off the shelf. A great invention, you say: rsut u was a secret oniy 10 man. Nature made the original of this box in the tirst egg of the inurre. You cannot knock one of those eggs off a table very easily, for it will roll around and around instead of off. This principle has now been applied to the construction of many small articles for desk use. Electricity give* us light practli cally without heat?fin Ideal method of illumination. But the lantern fly of tropical America was in the field long before we invented and constructed the electric lamp. Nature built the electric battery long before man thought of it In the head of the electric eel and the torpedo fish. These creatures are capable of giv Ing an electric shock of considerable force. In the head of the torpedo flsh there are vertical columns of electrical plates which number as many as half a million. The plates or disks are separated by delicate membranes, which insulate them, and they resemble very much the ordinary voltaic pile so commonly used, in electrical work. Even our sewing and spinning machines had their prototypes in Nature. The tailor bird was the first seamstress, and it stitched Its leaves together perfectly long before man used the fish bone as a needle to sew his skin garments together. It is possible that the ancients got their first lesson in this art from the tailor bird. Then, as to spinning, the caterpillars and silkworms were ahead of our machines, and the spider even today can give us lessons in this art. No skill of man has yet equalled the fine spinning of the spider. We cannot begin to make threads as line and small as tne spiders, nor can we weave tnem Into such a fine, tough rope. These Insects are supplied with machinery for spinning that is still little understood. Under the ultramlcroscope we may yet discover some new principle of the art that will greatly help us to improve our spinning methods. Man today is going more and more to Nature to learn secrets that are of interest to the mechanical and industrial world. It has long been a mistake to suppose these little creatures are of value only to the specialist Interested in cataloguing and mounting specimens. We know, for instance, that the earwigs carry about with them a dainty pair of forceps, and that efficient pliers, pincers and scissors are part of the equipment of other in. sects. The first balloon was the balloon or "swellflsh," and we know that the first airship was a bird or flying insect. Indeed, our whole advance in aviation has been based upon a close study of birds and insects. At first we studied only the birds, but now we are making a more exhaustive study of the insects. The common beetle is constructed on the plan of a biplane and the birds on that of the monoplane. There is a big distinction between them, and this fact has opened up a new field for study and experiment. The lungs were the first pair of bellows, and their construction might well be studied by builders of forge and blacksmith's bellows. The jaw is a perfect illustration of the lever principle of mechanics. For its size, the jaw of any of our wild animals is the most marvelous application of this mechanical principle. The bones of the human body are fashioned with the idea of getting the greatest amount of strength and stiffness with a minimum of material. Engineers long ago recognized the value of a hollow tube in securing rigidity with lightness, but this principle was well known to Nature, and she availed herself of it in building the bones of our legs and arms. The first great chemical factory of the world was the liver and stomach of man and animals. We are Just beginning to learn the secrets of chemical action and reaction which Nature has been using for ages in the human stomach. Enough poisons are generated there every day to kill a dozen men, but Nature has supplied the antidotes, so that we rarely suffer, except from excessive eating and drinking. There is in the system a network of semicircular canals which for ages baffled all scientific Investigators as to their meaning and use. Now we know that they constitute the first and greatest spirit level ever made. Without this spirit level we would not be able to balance ourselves. When the body is bent or tipped over a little this spirit-level immediately informs the brain, and the proper set of muscles are called into play to prevent our falling. We may think it is our organs of vision that tell us when the body is in danger of toppling over, but it is in reality this spirit-level which works just as well and mtisfactorily when the eyes are closed. We say we know Instinctively when we are losing our balance, but this Instinct is simply another name for a proper working of our spirit-level. In a remarkable way Nature has conserved her resources and adopted the most effective way of achieving results. Consider the trees of the forest. What an enormous wind pressure there is brought to bear upon a large, leafy tree. A flagpole with half ( that amount of pressure would snap off. Then why do not the trees break oftener in windstorms? Because the bark binds the tissues of the wood together so that they cannot slip and slide beyond a certain point?a device which is frequently resorted to In mechanics to secure great resisting strength. With wedges we split rocks and stones, but Nature can split the hardest and strongest material with a growing vine that steadily but persistently pushes its way up through - I Ua flrof tL IIUUUIC UCVICC. XlICLk IS IIIC in ov and (greatest wedge ever invented. A growing acorn can split asunder the stoutest pavement or raise a ton rock from its bed in the soil. There is nothing so promising td the inventor as a careful study of the whole broad field of Nature.?The World Today. Not Hard for Polly.?The late Ned Harrigan of Harrigan and Hart fame, was a great story-teller, and liked nothing better than to gather a congenial lot about him in some rathskeller and entertain them, says the St. Louis Globe-Democrat. His parrot story is one of the best. "An Irishman by tne name of Burke ran a bird and goldfish store in the Bowery and was noted for his wit and the funny things he taught his parrots to say. One day a man came in who stuttered very badly and says to Burke: "I w-wwant t-to-o b-buv a p-p-par-r-ot!' " 'All roight, sir,' says Burke, 'I hev a foine bl-r-d here for twenty dollars.' '"C-a-an he t-t-a-alk?' asked the man. 1 " 'Well, be gorry,' says Burke, 'If he couldn't talk better than ye can I'd /I Hoorl nff ' " i Glad Hubby Was In Jail.?Captain Charles Edwards of the Walnut 1 street station was sitting in his office the other evening when a negro woman entered his office, with a man whom the captain has seen before, in 1 tow. "Excuse me for taking your time, Mr. Officer, but I want to know is this the man that you-all had In jail last Saturday night and Sunday. You see, he failed to come home and told me he had been locked up. I guessed right away he deevated from the gospel truth and brought him right down here with me to prove it to him." "I regret to say madam, but he was our special guest over Sunday," answered Captain Edwards. "Oh. Zach, my dear boy, will you ever forgive me for not believln' you? I don't care how many times you are arrested just so's I knows where you Is," said the negress as she fell on Zach's neck, begging forgiveness.?Kansas City Journal. NAME8 OF FAMOUS MINE8. Wealth of Romance and History Behind Strange Titles. Behind the names of many of the mines there lies a wealth of romance and history?pathetic and ludicrous, grave and gay. The Black Hills, perhaps, furnishes as many characteristic examples of the peculiar circumstances Jn which claims have been named as any other district In the country. One of the best-known mines in the Southern Hills Is "The Holy Terror." In the early days this claim was located by an old miner who had worked for years without success. This particular claim was a most difficult one. When the man returned home the evening of the day that he had located his claim it appears his wife asked what he had named It. He smiled and said: "For you, my dear," and her further inquiry elicited the information that he had christened it "The Holy Terror." Another prospector named his claim ^Gentle Annie," in ! onor of his wife, while the third miner perpetuated the memory of his wife, who was a noted club woman, by calling it "Silent Julia." The Black Hils are dotted with the names of claims recalling romances of bygone days. Many a young man went thither during the mining "boom" of the eighties, lured with the hope of a fortune. In numerous cases all that remains to tell the tale is the name of "Katie W.," or "Mabel E.," or "Lulu J." Many a sweetheart or wife in the east was honored in the naming of a claim that its owner hoped would prove a "bonanza." Some proved all that was hoped for them. Witness the "Annie Fraction," and the "Josie," both of which were named for the wives of their owners. They are in the Bald mountains, and have produced thousands of dollars for the locators. One prospector who worked diligently on a claim which was staked by an outsider and had difficulty in getting his living expenses obtained his rovon Kv nomlnor Vila olaim "HIH Persimmon." Men of patriotic turn of mind have chosen names of those famous in history, as Washington, Lincoln, etc. Each of the presidents has been remembered, famous generals, all of the states, seafaring heroes and heroes of the Philippines, as Dewey and Funston. Indian names by the score are found, as HJawatha, Minnehaha and Nanoma. Favorite authors have been remembered, as Longfellow, and Burns, and Dickens. One student named his group Miltladen, Marc Antony, Atilla and Cleopatra. One man of a pessimistic vein, chose "What's Left" and "Some Left.' Two adjoining claims are known as "On Time," and "Late." An odd case is shown in the name of the Hoodlebug claim, which was located by an Irishman and a German and intended by the latter to be called Heidelberg. When the Irishman reached town to record the location he had forgotten his partner's selection of a name, and said it was something like Hoodlebug, which, for convenience was the name recorded. "The Prodigal Son" lived up to its name by bankrupting its locator, who returned east at the behest qf his father, who had furnished the funds for the venture. Some of the gulches have names that refer to Incidents in the lives of their prospectors. "Two Bits" was named because a placer miner declared his first panful would yield about "two bits" (25 cents), while one jrulch expressed the idea of its locator's mind when he named It "Go To." Then, too, there are "Poorman's Gulch," "Sheeptall," "Blacktail," "Crooked Arm," "Poverty" and "Prosperity." ? New York Press. Two Talos of the South.?Thomas R. Shipp in a political speech this season told a story about a colored man he once encountered In front of a "busted" bank down south. "What's the matter, uncle?" asked Shipp. "Did you have some money in that bank?" "Every bit I had in the world, $40," the colored man replied. "It makes me feel awful bad to lose it." "You should take the matter calmly said Shipp. "Did you never hear of a bank bursting before?" "Yes," said the uncle with emphasis. "But this one done busted right in mah face." At the same meeting, where Herbert Knox Smith, United States commissioner of corporations, addressed the Indianapolis Trade association, Mr. Smith told a story of the south. A northern man made a visit to the plantation of a southern colonel, he said, and was almost devoured the first night by mosquitoes. The next morning the northern man asked the colored butler about the mosquito plague. "Don't the mosciuitoes bother the colonel?" he asked. "Not much, sah," the butler replied. "The fust . part of the night the colonel am too drunk to feel mosquitoes, and the last part of the night they is too drunk to bother him."? Indianapolis News. Swelling the Goat.?The boy was leading a goat down the avenue in Washington, and there were other boys following, as boys usually do. says the National Magazine. Strolling along that way was a congressman who had In his pocket a letter from home stating that his "fences" were in good condition, and that the boy scouts had received their new un irorms ana were ror mm. As long as the other fellow had not "got his goat" the joyous legislator Intended to talk to these boys about their goat. "Well, my lads," he said In the benign tones of a man who has things coming his way, "what are you doing with the goat?" "Why, we are leading the goat. He has just ate up a crateful of sponges." "Sponges! Does he?er have an appetite for sponges?" "Dunno. But he just swallowed 'em." "And where are you going to take him now?" "We're going to take him down to the water trough and give him a drink. "What do you think will happen?" said the congressman, amused. "He'll swell up into the size of an investigating committee record, sure." Making Himself Solid With Stone.? When L. C. Probert went to Washington as a newspaper correspondent for the Associated Press he asked a friends to show him over the senate ctIoa hJrn O nrnnor Intrnrlllptloil to all the senators. Finally they went into the office of Gumshoe Bill Stone of Missouri. Stone was exceedingly polite and made Probert feel at | home. | "I used to be in St. Louis myself," vouchsafed Frobert. "I was a witness In the suit against the St. Louis Star brought against the Associated Press for being a trust." "Yes," remarked Stone, "I remember that case very well." "I was on the Associated Press at that time." continued Probert with great enthusiasm, "and I tell you our lawyers made the fellow on the other side look like an idiot." "I suppose so," said Stone dryly. "I was -the fellow on the other side." ?Popular Magazine. A Captain's Specific Orders.?Capt. John I. Lewis, an officer of the Arundel Sand and Gravel company, has toured the world. Capt. Lewis In recalling some of his trips said that he met a friend one time, and they talked of the dangers of Icebergs, says The Baltimore Sun. He remembered that his friend, also a tourist, said: "One night, while returning from Europe I came out on deck. It was so foggy that nothing could be seen. The captlan of the ship was walking the deck and I approached him and said: ? " 'How fast are we .going?" "The master replied. 'Twenty-two miles an hour.' " 'Is that not a violation of the law?' I asked. The captlan admitted that it was. "Then I asked. 'Why do you run so fast through a fog?' The captain replied: 'My official standing orders are, "Heaven, hell or New York in five days." ' " What Became of the Boots??The other day little Phillip, wanted a pair of rubber boots. Fapa tried to reason him out of it, but the youngster persisted in his demand. Finally papa told him a little story?one he had read in the newspaper. The boy was all attention, and the story proceeded: "A little boy in Baltimore "had been given a pair of rubber boots by his father. He waded in the water with them?water ran over the tops of the boots?boy took cold?mother put his feet in hot water?grew worse?doctor came?little boy died?undertaker?funeral." The small boy listened attentively the end of the story, and the father was congratulating himself on the impression he had made, when, with a long breath, Phillip asked: "What did they do with the boots?"?From Norman E. Mack's National Monthly. The New Perfecti Suits E\ It suits the most exacting Fren is found in luxurious villas?in c&mj Everybody uses it; everybody Ekes the year round. It bakes, broils, row It is equipped with a special heating fection oven, broiler, toaster, and p signed for use with the Oil Cook-stove All dealer* sell the stove. It is handtom finished in nickel, with cabinet top, dr shelves, towel racks, etc. Long chimneys, e ameled turquoise-blue. Made with 1, 2 or burners. STANDARD O (Incorporated iz NEWARK, N. A 1 GET A CERTIFIC I IN THIS STI 5 For those who have saved T come, free from the annoy; investment we strongly re< | CERTIFIC 5 They bear interest at the n 4> able at the end of Three, SI 6 Banking your money regul you from spending it, but s t business, pleasure or time & SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES FOB t $2.00 and $3.00 PER YEAR. I Loan and Ss I YORKVIT t ?- <T\/T\ /T\/T\ <T^^ /Tl A /T".tsT\ A /T^ .#. ~Tiif\J TvTV^VTTiTITiTTvTVTwTVTvTVTVTVl BEST IN QUALITYWe wish to call your atte cles that we carry In stock. It sell our customers the HIGH EST POSSIBLE PRICES. Give that we have gained you as oi GROCERIES?Fresh, choice K r* m ri I?1 AIIWO O f t Vl A T rVTlmot anu 1'ivuio a.l inv Ajunwot tatoes, Octagon Soap, 6 1 lasses, 70 Cts. per gal. HARDWARE?Horse and Mule Tools; Poultry Wire, 4 i kinds of Plows, etc. CLOTHING?Boys' Pants?sizes I $1.75; Men's Pants?all slz Nice Blue Serge Suits at $1 son's newest creations In 1 Made-to-Measure Clothes 1 the Best in the World. NOTIONS?Arrow Brand Collars, ment of Fancy Shirts, with Underwear, including the t line of Ribbons, Braids, etc The Headlight Overalls and ker?Wa cell them. I DRY GOODS?All kinds of Dress at the Lowest Prices. See 1 See us for Calicoes, Glngha ory Shirting, etc. SHOES?All styles of Peters's S! States Army Shoes for Men In both high and low heels does' Oxfords?Gun Metal, in both Lace and Button. HATS AND CAPS?Let us show NETED HAT; Best, Genuin ri of Men's Sailor shapes; sev 4-' and by all means, be sure Men's Caps. I J. M. SI t ; the every*: Remarkable.?Senator Simmons was talking about a boom. "I congratulated him on his boom," R(] said the senator laughing, "and he ap- i|g peared astonished that I knew any- Tfi thnlg of It. But I told him I had a pe pa keen sense for booms, even for little ^ ones. I explained that I was like the ho Newborn urchin. so w "A Newbern urchin used to call on a certain old lady every Saturday af- jnj ternoon and she. would give him a 0t] piece of cocoanut layer cake. But one go Saturday, as she expected company for an tea, she decided not to cut the cake, Qf and therefore none was offered to the urchin. Lc "He said plaintively, as the time an ac caniv KM IIIIII iu KUi " 'I believe I smell cncoanut layer co cake.' ae "The old lady laughed, went to the cupboard and cut him a very thin S< slice. When she gave It to him he jj? thanked her and said: he " 'But It seems strange that I could gr smell such a little piece, doesn't It?"' ?Washington Star. m ch * * ' In, Rough On Engineers.?Bill Rain, the veteran engineer of the Santa Fe, tells the following: "One day when I was In freight service I caught a work to train out to a point near Topeka. We 11c had orders to work for a foreman ac named Smith. Smith had the honor ro of being the father of a boy about 19 g? years old, who, if he had had a little cu more sense, would have been half- ot witted. While riding on the engine T Smith said to me: q, " 'Bill, I wish you would take that of boy of mine to Topeka with you and ba get him a Job in the roundhouse." 80 " 'What do you want to get him a a? job in the roundhouse for?' I asked bc him. h< " 'Well, I want him to work up to be an engineer,' he said. "I asked him: 'Why don't you give ^ him a job on the section and let him pi work up to be a foreman?' $3 " 'Well,' he said, *you know, Bill, _ the boy ain't quite bright.'"?Kansas bj City Star. sc *' of Iter Many a fellow's only source of income is a latch key. tsr Fortunate is the man who can m pick his own brand of success. la iXST Flattery is the coin with which ^ IO some people pay their way. tar Lots of us trouble most about the q. things that never trouble us. 6 tar There is sorrow without selfish- j*' nesa, but never selfishness without sorrow. ac Pi ? Jo he | ^ 1^ ^^ ^ 6^ p s ' Q. on Oil Cook-stove erybody ? ch chef. It suits die Housewife. It A< pt?in farms?in humble city homes. it It is die all-round stove for all H< its and toasts as well as a coal range. ?* [ plate, and we seQ the New Per- lai oncake griddle each apeciaDy de- It th every stove. W< Jy alto oven to KseJ ?99 wl z iTVJK II ln 3 j cents to coyer / U I mailing cost 9 \ * N* IL COMPANY i New Jersey) BALTIMORE, MD. J i vj7V^/ W "-A/ W vA/ ?"wv ATE OF DEPOSIT I tONG BANK I ? j, 1 money and desire a regular in- < ance and worry of other forms of () commend OUR J J tic ATE OF DEPOSIT ? fe| ate of 4 Per Cent., and are renew- j | Ix and Twelve .Months. a ne larly at this Bank not only keeps <. aves it for future use, whether for ? of need. X $ y? r IVC/il A *? ivings Bank | XE, S. C. rV'TVTVTVTVTvTVTvTVTwTVTWTV -LOWEST PRICES I iiition to a few of the many artl- yf ; Is our constant endeavor to ' EST QUALITY at the LOWus a trial and we will be sure le of our permanent customers. < Ingan's Hams, the beet Sugars Ne Prices; Nancy Hall Seed Po- py mrs for 25c; New Orleans Mo. ?5 Collars, all kinds of Farm Ge and 5 foot; Enamel Ware, all j 5 to 17 years?Prices, 25 Cts. to ;es?Prices, 50 Cts. to $6.00 Pair; | 0.00; Various styles of the Sea- t Men's Suits?Prices, $10. to $20. j* rroin tlie Famous Royal Tailors? ! No 2 for 25 Cts.; a complete assort- ? and without collars; all kinds of amous B. V. D. line; a complete \ . Full line of Fancy Ties. Jackets are the Best on the MarGoods and Silks?Best Qualities them. -I WUUA /IaaJo TlUlr. 2 ma, x ci taico, tt iiuc uuvuo, xiiwa- 'irj hoes for Men; Herman's United ,kj ; all sizes of White Canvas Shoes |? fnr T.qHI oq on nlncrnrit lino r\t T S\ - Gun Calf, Vlcls, Patents, Tans? A' We sell Cat's Paw Rubber Heels. | you the MALLORY CRAVENe Panama Hats at $5.00; all styles eral styles of Indies' Straw Hats; ' to see our nice line of Boys' and ! _ r r o u p v HUNG STORE FOR SALE 130 Acres?5 miles west of the city of >ck Hill. Joining farms of A. E. W1I, John Mcllwaine and W. L. Plexlco, lis Is one of the best producing farms r acre in Ebenezer township; good sture, hog wire; 3 horse farm open; celling has 5 rooms; good tenant use with 3 rooms. Property of Johnn Cameron. For prices apply to J. C. Ilborn, Yorkville, S. C. 116 Acrse?The Holmes Place; Join; Holbrooke Good, Ed Thomas and tiers; a nice new cottage, 6 rooms, od barn; also a nice 6 room house d store room, barn, etc. Located at ms roads. Good land at the low price I *4,200. 177 Acre*?Pronertv of Marlon R. >ve, three miles from Sharon station id six miles from Torkvllle; 20 res in cultivation, balance in timber. me of the finest oak timber in York , unty on this place. Price $17X0 per re. 951-2 Acres?Joins J. B. Scott, Ed indifer and depot grounds at Phila lphla; 76 acres in cultivation; 1 veiling house, 4 rooms; 2 tenant uses. Property of J. P. Barnes. A eat bargain. 166 Acres?In Ebenezer township; 1 lie of Newport, 1 mile of Tlrxah lurch. A nice 2-story, 7-room dwellg; several good tenant houses. High ate of cultivation. Wilson Huey. 1012-3 Acres?Joining McGill store Bethany, fronting King's Mountain ad; 1 dwelling, 5 rooms; barn, cotn house and crib; property of Char> Douglass. This Is a cheap bargain id can be bought at once. 331-2 Acres?On King's Mountain ad, one mile from Bethany High :hool; land lies level; 17 acres in iltivation, balance in timber. A part the Douglass tract 68 Acres?More or less, Joining C. M. man, Norman Black and others, ne mile from the Incorporate limits Yorkvllla, About 26 acres clear, dance In timber. One S-room house, od barn, etc, 169 Acres?1 dwelling, 6 rooms; 70 res in cultivation; 60 acres in tlmsr; 2 1-2 miles of Smyrna; 1 tenant luse, new, with 4 rooms; good barn, lb, lumber and buggy house. Property ' H. M. Bradley. Price, $8,000.00. 100 Acres?Joining Mrs. Mattle lchols, T. J. Nichols and others. The roperty of L. R. Williams. Price, 11.00 an Acre. 810 Acres?2| miles of 8haron; 1 veiling house, 2 tenant houses, good irn; half mile of Sutton Springs hool. Splendid Farm. A Nice Cottage Homo?In the town ' Smyrna; 6 rooms, situated near the raded school building. One of the _ :st cottages in town. Price, $060. 300 Acres?Tom Owin home, three lies of Sharon; 3 tenant houses; a rge brick residence, worth twoilrds of the whole price of the farm, r $3,800. 319 Acres?Joins R. B. Hartness, M. % Love and others. 1 House, 1-story, rooms; 6 tenant houses, all well Untied; 1 6-room, 4 I-room; good barn, tuble crib; hydraulic ram running iter to house; 2 good pastures; IN res under cultivation; 160 in timber. ioe upon application. Property or ihn T. Feemater. 20 Acroo?At Filbert One-atory iuoe, 4 rooms; one-half red and othsandy. Price, $1,00040. 11 Acree Joins L. Ferguson, Frank nlth, J. W. Dobson. 1 bouse, 1-story, rooms. Price, $1,30040. 220 Acres?Near King's Mountain Utleground; 1 house, 1-ltory, seven ^ oms. New; 26 acres under cultha-? >n, balance In timber; t miles from lug's Creek. Good new barn, dressed mber; 2 tenant houses, S rooms each, lee, $15.75 per Acre. 200 Aores?Fronting public road, 1ary 4-room house; 4 horse farm open; . acres In timber; 2 miles from Rody. Price, $3040 per Acre. Residence of J. J. Smith, deceased, Clover, on King's Mountain street; stories, 7 rooms; wood house; barn, >w stable; good garden; well for ock near barn. 75 Acree?Level land, >1 miles from laron; 1 house; 40 acres In cultiva>n. Price, $2040 per Aore. Walter Hayes. 57 Acres?2 miles of Hickory Grove; i public highway: fronting Southern ilway. Price, $2040 an Acre. 153 Acres?Joins T. W. Jackson, L. WnnH *ni1 nthArc 1 l.itnr* l.mnm use; 1 tenant taouae, 4 rooma; f Ilea of Newport Price, $21.00 Acre, A beautiful lot and realdence of lira la El Faulconer. On EMst Liberty reet, 100 feet front, about 400 feet iep; Jolna Rev. EL EL Qllleaple and on. O. W. 8. Hart Price en Appli* tien. 369 Aores In Bamberg Co.?Joining nds of D. O. Hunter and B. P. Smoak; 5 acres in cultivation, balance In nber; at one of the flneat schools In e county; 1-4 mile of church. Much the land In this neighborhood proiced 1 bale of cotton to the acre, ly one wishing a line bargain will do sll to inveetlg&te it 102 Acres, Fairfield Co.?Joining lids of R. S. Dunbar, 4 miles of Woodird station. On Little river; 40 acres M..1l4?ra4lA?i D.Ias AA v. utki vauuii. w~uvvy fwv.wu. Do you want Bargains in Moors Co* C.f 8ss ms ana talk it ovsr. J. C. WILBORN. rhe Difference Between a good and a poor prepara>n in business method is Just the dlfrcnce between system and carelessss, between success and failure. Deposit your money with us and do ur business in a systematic manner. rhe Bank of Glover, OIjOVZIR, ?. O. professional awards. J. HARRY FOSTER ATTORNEY AT LAW, Yorkville, 8outh Carolina. V AMaa In UeTJaal V3..I14 W VUIUU IU iUUHWl OUllUlU|. )r. B. G. BLACK 8urg*on Dentist. Dfflce second floor of the New Mcel building. At Clover Tuesday and Iday of each week. 0. W. S. Hart. Jot. E. Hart. HART & HART i ATTORNEYS AT LAW Yorkvilla S. C. 1. 1. Law Range. 'Phone (Offlce) 68, JOHN R. HART ATTORNEY AT LAW No. 3 Law Ranae. YORKVILLE, 8. C. J. S. KKICE. TTORNEY AT LAW Office Opposite Court House. Vompt attention to all legal buslia of whatever nature. BOILER FOR SALE [7 E have for sale a first-class secf ond-hand 12-hp. STEAM BOILcomplete with all trimmings, that ^ will sell cheap. Also an 8-hp. TOR ENGINE. L. M. GRIST'S SONS.