The Mail Carrier Hurried.?It was
on an occasion when a president of
the United States was making a swing
around the country. A man who was
carrying the mail on a weekly route
between a Missouri county seat town
and a little postofflce at a country
store came dashing madly down the
road In the direction of the town. A
farmer who saw him coming and
wondered at his great haste haled him
'"What's the matter. Jimson? What's
your great hurry this morning?"
"Hurry?" Jimson repeated. "Why
don't you know the president Is to be
In town to-day?"
"Oh, I see," the farmer replied.
"You want to get there In time to see
"It's not that that makes me
"No, sir! You may not know it,
but this working for. the goverme'nt
is mighty ticklish business, and a man
has got to be awful careful or he'll
lose his job. Now suppose the pres- J
ldent gets off the train down here
and asks about me and I ain't there,
and he finds out I'm late. Don't you'
see there'd be trouble right off, and
I might be asked to resign?"
"Yes. sir. So I ain't taking no
chancea When the president steps
off the train and asks the crowd
'Where is Jimson?' I'm going to be
there so I can step right out and say.
'Here I am. sir.'"?Kansas City Star.
The Other Way.?The grade teacher
had just finished a warm plea for
kindness to dumb animals in general
and to cats in particular.
"Now, children," she asked, "what
can we do to prevent the poor cats
from getting their heads stuck in tin
An earnest-faced youngster, who
looked as though he might have a solution
ready, was waving his hand.
"All right, Jimmy, let's hear your
"Tie the cans ?to the dogs' tails."?
Mack's National Monthly.
Pat's Wis* Choice.?Twas in the
good old days when the "cat" was used
? ? -- ' - -? TT If CI
Scene?yuaner-aecK ui ?i. o.
Pat Murphy and Jack McLean had
been breaking leave and had been ordered
to receive ten strokes each of
the "cat." When the time came for
their punishment the captain considering
their previous good behavior,
said that if they wished to wear anything
to protect their backs a little
they could do so.
The Scotchman replied that he would
like to have a strip of canvas on his
back. The request was granted, and
then Pat, on being asked what he
would like, exclaimed. "Shure, sir, If it
all the same to you, I would like to
have the Scotchman on my back."?
Will It Come to Pass??The gong
There was a wild rush, a tramping
nt ftmt a wrvr-H of command, the great
doors flew open, the shining motor
rolled Into the street and turned to
the east. ,
An alarm bell under the foot of the
operator clattered noisily.
Vehicles turned aside, pedestrians
ran for their lives.
The motor suddenly stopped. A
blazing structure barred the way.
The crew whirled the motor Into position.
A stout-armed fellow seized
the crank handle and began to turn.
. A rural onlooker turned to a native.
"What the Sam Hill kind o' fire Ingine
is that?" he asked in his rich alfalfa
"That ain't a fire ingine," the native
replied. "That's a movln* picture masheen.
They're always gettin' there
first. Here comes th' department
And far down the street could be
heard the clatter of the fire horses'
coming hoofs.?Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Runaway.?The rector was
sitting in his study hard at work on
the following Sunday's sermon, when
a visitor was tumuunceu.
She was a hard muscular-looking
woman, and when the minister set a
chair for her she opened fire somewhat
"You are Mr. Jenkins, ain't you?"
"I am," replied the good man.
"Well, maybe you'll remember o'
marryln a couple of strangers at your
church a month ago?"
"What were the names?" asked
"Peter Simpson and Eliza Brown,"
replied the woman, "and I'm Eliza."
"Are you indeed?" said the minister.
"I thought I remembered seeing your
face before, but"?
"Yes," interrupted the visitor. "I'm
her, all right, an' I thought as how I
ought to drop in an' tell you that Peter's
escaped."?St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
Disappointed, But Diplomatic.?Up
In Vermont the hotel business is real
business, and the man who takes a
room and eats a meal at one of the
hostelrles is expected to pay for it
without fail. If you don't believe It
take a run up to Vermont and try to
beat the house. In one of the little
towns of the state there is a hotel proprietor
called Jolly Jones.
One morning after breakfast a
guest was about to depart without
paying his bill. Jolly walked slow
ly ,to the door with, him and in a
deadly tone said:
"Mister' if you should happen to
lose your bank roll between here and
Randolph you can remember that
I didn't get any of it."?Popular Magazine.
Judging From Results.?There used
to be a police judge in a Kentucky
town who liked a toddy before his
dinner. In the same town a new
comer started a distillery whose product
before long was famous for its
fire and its potency.
One day, after court adjourned, the
old Judge was sipping a toddy at his
favorite bar when a friend came in.
"Judge," said his friend, "did you
fwi II jr ail} uj nicr urw nuian} mr,> ?tr
making down the street here?"
"No," said the judge, "but I
reckon I've tried everybody that did
try it."?Saturday Evening Post.
Not Selected.?Two little girls were
coming home from school, when
one commenced to tease the other.
"I don't care," said Mabel. "You
are only an adopted child. Your
father and mother are not really
"I don't care either," retorted
Grace. My papa and mamma picked
me out. Yours had to take you just
as you came.?Everybody's Magazine
WOMEN WERE FAMOUS PIRATES. '
Mary Read and Anne Bonny Flew the
Jolly Roger for Years. i
Ixmg before ever the suffrage was i
an Issue In England, in a time when I
women for the most part spent their 1
lives by their own hearth stones, there i
flourished two women pirates, British i
born. Real buccaneers they were, I.
who swaggered and swore right lus-li
tlly and sailed the Spanish Main and i
slew folks with broad cutlasses and i
did all the other things that wellregulated
pirates were in the habit of <
doing. Their names were Mary Read i
and Anne Bonny, and their records I
are still to be read in certain an- I
cient British court records, though i
they seldom-are. J
Mary was one of those strange wo- !
men who have gone through life <
dressed as men. She kept her se- i
cret from all except a very few. Be- <
fore she was 18 she enlisted as a sailor
in the British navy, and a history
of pirates published in London in 1
1724 by Captain Charles Johnson tells I
all about her. She did well enough ]
as a sailor, then enlisted in the army 1
and went with a British regiment to '
Flanders, where she fought through j
a number of campaigns and was dis- i
tinguished for reckless bravery and l
helped keep up the reputation for 1
profanity which goes with soldiers in 1
Flanders. She called herself Frank .
Read, and apparently no one sus- ]
pected that she was a girl. i
But, being a woman, she could not j
refrain from falling in love, and finally
was married to a fellow soldier
of whom she had grown very fond.
Then they both left the army, bought
a little inn in Flanders and settled
down to housekeeping. All this Seems
a long way from piracy?but do not (
Mary's husband died in a year or
two and she went back to her wild,
masculine life, shipping as a Bailor |
on a Dutch merchantman bound for
the West Indies. Before the vessel
reached its destination it was halted j
by British pirates, who, being in need ,
of a sailor, took the lusty Mary, never
suspeoting that the recruit to their ,
crew was a woman.
Mary pirated for a little while with
the boys, and then the ship put in at
New Providence, one of the Bahama (
Islands, and took advantage of a general
pardon offered to every British (
pirate except Captain Kldd and Cap- |
tain Avery. They all promised to be
good, the crew disbanded, and there 1
was Mary out of a Job again. I
Now, the British governor of New
Providence was fitting, out a privateersman
at that time toharry Spanish
commerce. Privateering, by the
way, was the respectable and legal
way of being a pirate, and was countenanced
because the owner of a privateer
had to divide his spoils with (
the government. Well, our Mary be- (
came a member of the crew of this
British privateersman, and incidentally,
it was a very tough crew she
joined. One member of it was a pirate
named Backam. Another was
hlo wife Ann a Ttonnv. a buxom 1
wench, who, like Mary, was disguised f
as a man. Anne was in real "tough
klddo." Captain Johnson tells us, r
while Mary was Just an honest work- 1
ing girl whom cruel fate had made a
pirate quite against her will. However,
Mary does not seem to have put |
up any very violent struggle against
However that was the rough and a
ready Anne Bonny fell in love with 1
Mary, who, she fancied, was a man. (1
Of course, Mary had to explain and c
then Anne explained and they grew s
very chummy, and being women '
couldn't resist embracing each other 1
frequently, so that Rackam, Anne's 1
husband, grew very jealous of the 1
supposed "Frank," and had to be let *
in on the secret for fear he would '
sneak up on Mary and insert a dirk '
between her shoulders.
The bold Rackam couldn't bear 1
th^ thought of being a subordinate *
and dividing up the spoils of war H
with the government, so he led a mu- '
tiny, soon tossed the officers of the s
ship overboard and moved his be- s
longings up to the captain's cabin.
It is not known whether he hoisted 1
the Jolly Roger at the masthead, 1
but probably he did, and if he didn't ?
he should have. Anyhow, they went c
plundering merrily over the southern ^
seas, although they do not seem to *
have been as bad as some members *
of the profession. Generally the crew r
of a merchant ship was allowed to go s
its way after everything of value had 1
been carried off. Necessarily men ,
were killed occasionally, but whole- 1
sale plank walking was not a feature 1
of this cruise. .Maybe it was the re- 1
fining influence of having two pirates (
of the gentler sex aboard, but the 1
chances are it wasn't. In the first 1
place there was nothing very gentle 1
about Mary and Anne, and in the second
place, few members of the crew 1
knew they were women. They brand- 1
ished cutlasses and pistols, and what !
they lacked in whiskers they made '
up for in ferocity. '
And just at this stage of the game, 1
that soft-hearted Mary fell in love 1
again. A young artist had been cap- 1
tured from a British ship?Rackam 1
had an idea that he might be useful 8
in sketching scenes and drawing I
charts. Pirates, you know were great c
at chart making?drawing mysterious ?
maps showing location of buried 1
treasure, with explanations in cipher <
that it takes a Sanskrit dictionary and 1
an X-ray machine to make clear.
Mary and the artist became good 1
friends long before the artist suspect- t
ed that she was anything but a slen- '
der and more than unusually hand- <
some boy. At night, when other
members of the crew were drunk or :
sleeping, these two would sit together '
in a sheltered corner of the deck and i
Mary would lean back, with her head
in the. artist's lap, and listen to him
tell the story of his life and his ambitions.
The artist seems never to
nave suspecieu nis comraue ?ua ?
girl, so at last Mary told him, and
they were married?informally, it is .
true, and without priest or license. I
Pirate ships do not carry chaplains, I
although license is plentiful enough i
aboard them. i
After the marriage the cruise went
on for months, and once Mary saved i
her husband's life when he had been
challenged to a duel by one of the
ruffians of the crew. Mary succeeded
In quarreling with this man and
fought him a duel herself before her
husband had an opportunity to risk
his life. The girl pirate?still known
as Frank to her shipmates?went <
ashore on a little island, and the pi- ;
rate with her. Both drew their pis- i
tols and fired; but neither was seri- '
ously wounded. Then they attacked \
each other with broadswords, and af- i
ter a few minute?' fierce clashing
Mary stabbed her enemy through the
body and killed him. Then she wiped
her sword on the grass and went
back aboard ship and nobody thought
anything of it.
But it was not long after the duel
that the pirate ship was overtaken by
a British frigate. A short fight followed,
the pirates serving their stubby
cannon until a storm of grapeshot
drove them from the deck. Every
one rushed to the hold except Mary
Read and the redoubtable Anne Bonny,
who continued to load and fire
the cannon. Anne in rage rushed to
the companionway of the ship and
roared down to the men below to
come up and fight, and when they
refused Jerked a great pistol from her
belt and fired into the huddling curs
ing mass, killing one and wounding
several others. But It was of no avail,
and In a little while the crew of the
man-of-war came tumbling and
cheering over the side of the pirate
Bhip and overwhelmed its cowering
All the pirates, including Anne and
Mary, were put in irons and carried
back to England. The artist was allowed
to go free, as it was easily
proved that he was a member of the
band against his will, but his pirate
wife was tried and sentenced to the
gallows. As she was expecting soon
to become a mother, a reprieve was
granted her, and before it expired she
Tell ill of a fever and died. Rackam,
leader of the band, was hanged, but
Anne, his roistering wife, was reprieved
from time to time and finally
illowed to go free.?Kansas City
SOURCE OF ALL KNOWLEDGE.
At Their Beet Man Can Only Imitate
Did you ever realize that Nature
iias a patent office so full of inventions
that man would be at a loss to
get along without them, and if he
had to pay royalties on all of them
the price of the necessities of life
*'J inn??Aaor>/1 tKnrohv 9
WUUIU UC RlCttllj lUVicaovu vitvi vuj .
Long before man took to inventing
labor-saving devices Nature had
worked out many of the greatest inventions
of the age. It would go
hard with some inventors if there
was a law preventing infringement
upon Nature's patents.
The curious thing about it is, howiver,
that man has laboriously
thought out his great inventions
through the centuries, while all the
time Nature had them ready for his
3tudy if he had only the eyes to see.
It is only in recent years that we
lave fully appeciated the fact that
ill about us are scattered devices
which serve as the foundation of
most of our great mechanical prinliples.
For instance, the first block and
ackle, which we employ so generally
:oday, was created in the eye of the
Irst man born on the earth. This
)lock and tackle controls the movement
of the eyeballs, and is a perfect
niniature of those used in ordinary
nechanlcal fields. If the first invenor
of this labor-saving device had
inderstoood the physiology of the
>ody as we know It today he would
lave been saved many days and
lights of hard thought and experlnent.
. The first pump ever made and the
no8t wonderful and powerful yet In
xistence, is the heart. For its size
t has a greater efficiency than any
jump invented by man. There are
.11 the principles of the modern force
lump in the heart, and it is marvellusly
up to date despite its ancient
irigin. But for centuries inventors
truggled with the pump, improving
t slowly, and discovering the elenentary
laws governing it. How
nuch easier It would have been for
hem if they could have taken the
luman heart and studied it carefuly!
The force pump would then have
leen invented or copied completely.
When you pick up tools and use
hem you will find that many of them
mvo u'hot Iq failed the hall-and
:ocket Joint. . This enables one to
orm mechanical labor In an eaay
md efficient way. Half of our tools
tnd machines would be pretty clumiy
affairs without this little invenive
device. Yet Nature knew of
his invention long before man dis:overed
it, and she utilized it in the
:onstruction of the human frame.
Ve have, after all, the most remarktie
ball-and-socket device ever inrented
right in our bodies. We could
lot swkig our arms without it. Our
houlder bones swing back and forth
>n the ball-and-socket arrangement,
vhich no one has ever yet surpassed.
Even the modern invention of ballbearings
was anticipated by Nature.
The vertebrae of the snake consists
>f a long chain of balls and sockets
vhich work on the principles of the
ball bearings of our bicycles and au:omobiles.
Many inventions are so common
:hat we do not stop to inquire about
heir origin but you can rest assured
that their construction by
primitive man was not a simple or
;asy matter. Working in the dark,
he must often have stumbled upon
nechanlcal principles by accident, or
possibly he copied some of his ideas
from Nature. For Instance, the first
md best hinge ever made was found
In an oyster. Take the horny oyster
>f the Pacific coast and examine its
ihells. They are put together and
teld there by a perfect hinge, which
cannot be surpassed in efficiency by
any found in your hardware store.
Among birds, flowers and crawling
creatures we may find the protoypes
of many of our modern invenions.
Nature has concealed some of
hese inventions, so that for ages
they were not discovered, and others
are exhibited as plain as day. Possibly
their very simplicity prevented
man from discovering their value.
Do you suppose that the inventor of
the common gasfitters' pincers went
to the lobster to learn the principles
of his device? If not, he might well
have done so, for the lobster's claw
is the original gasfltter's pincgrs.
Recently there have been put on
the market small boxes and receptacles
which cannot roll off a shelf
:?r table. These boxes are made to
contain small articles, such as fine
gold dust, diamond chips, or any
small article of value. They cannot
roll off because of their peculiar oval
construction. If you hit them they
roll around and around instead of
off the shelf. A great invention, you
say: rsut u was a secret oniy 10 man.
Nature made the original of this box
in the tirst egg of the inurre. You
cannot knock one of those eggs off
a table very easily, for it will roll
around and around instead of off.
This principle has now been applied
to the construction of many small articles
for desk use.
Electricity give* us light practli
cally without heat?fin Ideal method
of illumination. But the lantern fly
of tropical America was in the field
long before we invented and constructed
the electric lamp. Nature
built the electric battery long before
man thought of it In the head of the
electric eel and the torpedo fish.
These creatures are capable of giv
Ing an electric shock of considerable
force. In the head of the torpedo
flsh there are vertical columns of
electrical plates which number as
many as half a million. The plates
or disks are separated by delicate
membranes, which insulate them, and
they resemble very much the ordinary
voltaic pile so commonly used,
in electrical work.
Even our sewing and spinning machines
had their prototypes in Nature.
The tailor bird was the first seamstress,
and it stitched Its leaves together
perfectly long before man used
the fish bone as a needle to sew his
skin garments together. It is possible
that the ancients got their first
lesson in this art from the tailor bird.
Then, as to spinning, the caterpillars
and silkworms were ahead of our machines,
and the spider even today can
give us lessons in this art. No skill
of man has yet equalled the fine spinning
of the spider. We cannot begin
to make threads as line and small as
tne spiders, nor can we weave tnem
Into such a fine, tough rope. These
Insects are supplied with machinery
for spinning that is still little understood.
Under the ultramlcroscope we
may yet discover some new principle
of the art that will greatly help us to
improve our spinning methods.
Man today is going more and more
to Nature to learn secrets that are of
interest to the mechanical and industrial
world. It has long been a mistake
to suppose these little creatures
are of value only to the specialist Interested
in cataloguing and mounting
specimens. We know, for instance,
that the earwigs carry about with
them a dainty pair of forceps, and that
efficient pliers, pincers and scissors
are part of the equipment of other in.
The first balloon was the balloon or
"swellflsh," and we know that the
first airship was a bird or flying insect.
Indeed, our whole advance in
aviation has been based upon a close
study of birds and insects. At first we
studied only the birds, but now we are
making a more exhaustive study of
the insects. The common beetle is constructed
on the plan of a biplane and
the birds on that of the monoplane.
There is a big distinction between
them, and this fact has opened up a
new field for study and experiment.
The lungs were the first pair of bellows,
and their construction might
well be studied by builders of forge
and blacksmith's bellows. The jaw is
a perfect illustration of the lever principle
of mechanics. For its size, the
jaw of any of our wild animals is the
most marvelous application of this
mechanical principle. The bones of
the human body are fashioned with
the idea of getting the greatest
amount of strength and stiffness with
a minimum of material. Engineers
long ago recognized the value of a
hollow tube in securing rigidity with
lightness, but this principle was well
known to Nature, and she availed herself
of it in building the bones of our
legs and arms.
The first great chemical factory of
the world was the liver and stomach
of man and animals. We are Just beginning
to learn the secrets of chemical
action and reaction which Nature
has been using for ages in the human
stomach. Enough poisons are generated
there every day to kill a dozen
men, but Nature has supplied the antidotes,
so that we rarely suffer, except
from excessive eating and drinking.
There is in the system a network
of semicircular canals which for ages
baffled all scientific Investigators as
to their meaning and use. Now we
know that they constitute the first and
greatest spirit level ever made. Without
this spirit level we would not be
able to balance ourselves. When the
body is bent or tipped over a little
this spirit-level immediately informs
the brain, and the proper set of muscles
are called into play to prevent
our falling. We may think it is our
organs of vision that tell us when
the body is in danger of toppling over,
but it is in reality this spirit-level
which works just as well and mtisfactorily
when the eyes are closed.
We say we know Instinctively when
we are losing our balance, but this Instinct
is simply another name for a
proper working of our spirit-level.
In a remarkable way Nature has
conserved her resources and adopted
the most effective way of achieving
results. Consider the trees of the forest.
What an enormous wind pressure
there is brought to bear upon a
large, leafy tree. A flagpole with half (
that amount of pressure would snap
off. Then why do not the trees break
oftener in windstorms? Because the
bark binds the tissues of the wood together
so that they cannot slip and
slide beyond a certain point?a device
which is frequently resorted to In mechanics
to secure great resisting
strength. With wedges we split rocks
and stones, but Nature can split the
hardest and strongest material with a
growing vine that steadily but persistently
pushes its way up through
- I Ua flrof
tL IIUUUIC UCVICC. XlICLk IS IIIC in ov
and (greatest wedge ever invented. A
growing acorn can split asunder the
stoutest pavement or raise a ton rock
from its bed in the soil.
There is nothing so promising td
the inventor as a careful study of the
whole broad field of Nature.?The
Not Hard for Polly.?The late Ned
Harrigan of Harrigan and Hart fame,
was a great story-teller, and liked
nothing better than to gather a congenial
lot about him in some rathskeller
and entertain them, says the St. Louis
Globe-Democrat. His parrot story is
one of the best.
"An Irishman by tne name of Burke
ran a bird and goldfish store in the
Bowery and was noted for his wit and
the funny things he taught his parrots
to say. One day a man came in who
stuttered very badly and says to
"I w-wwant t-to-o b-buv a p-p-par-r-ot!'
" 'All roight, sir,' says Burke, 'I hev
a foine bl-r-d here for twenty dollars.'
'"C-a-an he t-t-a-alk?' asked the
1 " 'Well, be gorry,' says Burke, 'If he
couldn't talk better than ye can I'd
/I Hoorl nff ' " i
Glad Hubby Was In Jail.?Captain
Charles Edwards of the Walnut
1 street station was sitting in his office
the other evening when a negro woman
entered his office, with a man
whom the captain has seen before, in
"Excuse me for taking your time,
Mr. Officer, but I want to know is this
the man that you-all had In jail last
Saturday night and Sunday. You
see, he failed to come home and told
me he had been locked up. I guessed
right away he deevated from the gospel
truth and brought him right down
here with me to prove it to him."
"I regret to say madam, but he was
our special guest over Sunday," answered
"Oh. Zach, my dear boy, will you
ever forgive me for not believln'
you? I don't care how many times
you are arrested just so's I knows
where you Is," said the negress as
she fell on Zach's neck, begging forgiveness.?Kansas
NAME8 OF FAMOUS MINE8.
Wealth of Romance and History Behind
Behind the names of many of the
mines there lies a wealth of romance
and history?pathetic and ludicrous,
grave and gay. The Black Hills, perhaps,
furnishes as many characteristic
examples of the peculiar circumstances
Jn which claims have been
named as any other district In the
One of the best-known mines in the
Southern Hills Is "The Holy Terror."
In the early days this claim was located
by an old miner who had worked
for years without success. This particular
claim was a most difficult one.
When the man returned home the
evening of the day that he had located
his claim it appears his wife asked
what he had named It. He smiled and
said: "For you, my dear," and her further
inquiry elicited the information
that he had christened it "The Holy
Terror." Another prospector named
his claim ^Gentle Annie," in ! onor of
his wife, while the third miner perpetuated
the memory of his wife, who
was a noted club woman, by calling
it "Silent Julia."
The Black Hils are dotted with the
names of claims recalling romances of
bygone days. Many a young man
went thither during the mining "boom"
of the eighties, lured with the hope
of a fortune. In numerous cases all
that remains to tell the tale is the
name of "Katie W.," or "Mabel E.," or
"Lulu J." Many a sweetheart or wife
in the east was honored in the naming
of a claim that its owner hoped would
prove a "bonanza." Some proved all
that was hoped for them. Witness the
"Annie Fraction," and the "Josie,"
both of which were named for the
wives of their owners. They are in
the Bald mountains, and have produced
thousands of dollars for the locators.
One prospector who worked diligently
on a claim which was staked by
an outsider and had difficulty in getting
his living expenses obtained his
rovon Kv nomlnor Vila olaim "HIH
Persimmon." Men of patriotic turn
of mind have chosen names of those
famous in history, as Washington, Lincoln,
etc. Each of the presidents has
been remembered, famous generals, all
of the states, seafaring heroes and heroes
of the Philippines, as Dewey and
Funston. Indian names by the score
are found, as HJawatha, Minnehaha
and Nanoma. Favorite authors have
been remembered, as Longfellow, and
Burns, and Dickens. One student
named his group Miltladen, Marc Antony,
Atilla and Cleopatra. One man
of a pessimistic vein, chose "What's
Left" and "Some Left.' Two adjoining
claims are known as "On Time," and
An odd case is shown in the name
of the Hoodlebug claim, which was located
by an Irishman and a German
and intended by the latter to be called
Heidelberg. When the Irishman
reached town to record the location
he had forgotten his partner's selection
of a name, and said it was something
like Hoodlebug, which, for convenience
was the name recorded. "The
Prodigal Son" lived up to its name by
bankrupting its locator, who returned
east at the behest qf his father, who
had furnished the funds for the venture.
Some of the gulches have names
that refer to Incidents in the lives of
their prospectors. "Two Bits" was
named because a placer miner declared
his first panful would yield about
"two bits" (25 cents), while one jrulch
expressed the idea of its locator's mind
when he named It "Go To." Then, too,
there are "Poorman's Gulch," "Sheeptall,"
"Blacktail," "Crooked Arm,"
"Poverty" and "Prosperity." ? New
Two Talos of the South.?Thomas
R. Shipp in a political speech this
season told a story about a colored
man he once encountered In front of
a "busted" bank down south.
"What's the matter, uncle?" asked
Shipp. "Did you have some money
in that bank?"
"Every bit I had in the world, $40,"
the colored man replied. "It makes
me feel awful bad to lose it."
"You should take the matter calmly
said Shipp. "Did you never hear of
a bank bursting before?"
"Yes," said the uncle with emphasis.
"But this one done busted right in
At the same meeting, where Herbert
Knox Smith, United States commissioner
of corporations, addressed the
Indianapolis Trade association, Mr.
Smith told a story of the south. A
northern man made a visit to the
plantation of a southern colonel, he
said, and was almost devoured the
first night by mosquitoes. The next
morning the northern man asked the
colored butler about the mosquito
plague. "Don't the mosciuitoes bother
the colonel?" he asked.
"Not much, sah," the butler replied.
"The fust . part of the night the
colonel am too drunk to feel mosquitoes,
and the last part of the night
they is too drunk to bother him."?
Swelling the Goat.?The boy was
leading a goat down the avenue in
Washington, and there were other
boys following, as boys usually do.
says the National Magazine. Strolling
along that way was a congressman
who had In his pocket a letter from
home stating that his "fences" were
in good condition, and that the boy
scouts had received their new un
irorms ana were ror mm.
As long as the other fellow had not
"got his goat" the joyous legislator
Intended to talk to these boys about
"Well, my lads," he said In the benign
tones of a man who has things
coming his way, "what are you doing
with the goat?"
"Why, we are leading the goat. He
has just ate up a crateful of sponges."
"Sponges! Does he?er have an
appetite for sponges?"
"Dunno. But he just swallowed
"And where are you going to take
"We're going to take him down to
the water trough and give him a
"What do you think will happen?"
said the congressman, amused.
"He'll swell up into the size of an
investigating committee record, sure."
Making Himself Solid With Stone.?
When L. C. Probert went to Washington
as a newspaper correspondent
for the Associated Press he asked a
friends to show him over the senate
ctIoa hJrn O nrnnor Intrnrlllptloil
to all the senators. Finally they
went into the office of Gumshoe Bill
Stone of Missouri. Stone was exceedingly
polite and made Probert feel at |
"I used to be in St. Louis myself,"
vouchsafed Frobert. "I was a witness
In the suit against the St. Louis
Star brought against the Associated
Press for being a trust."
"Yes," remarked Stone, "I remember
that case very well."
"I was on the Associated Press at
that time." continued Probert with
great enthusiasm, "and I tell you our
lawyers made the fellow on the other
side look like an idiot."
"I suppose so," said Stone dryly.
"I was -the fellow on the other side."
A Captain's Specific Orders.?Capt.
John I. Lewis, an officer of the Arundel
Sand and Gravel company, has
toured the world. Capt. Lewis In recalling
some of his trips said that he
met a friend one time, and they talked
of the dangers of Icebergs, says
The Baltimore Sun.
He remembered that his friend, also
a tourist, said:
"One night, while returning from
Europe I came out on deck. It was
so foggy that nothing could be seen.
The captlan of the ship was walking
the deck and I approached him and
" 'How fast are we .going?"
"The master replied. 'Twenty-two
miles an hour.'
" 'Is that not a violation of the
law?' I asked. The captlan admitted
that it was.
"Then I asked. 'Why do you run so
fast through a fog?' The captain replied:
'My official standing orders are,
"Heaven, hell or New York in five
days." ' "
What Became of the Boots??The
other day little Phillip, wanted a
pair of rubber boots. Fapa tried to
reason him out of it, but the youngster
persisted in his demand. Finally
papa told him a little story?one he
had read in the newspaper. The boy
was all attention, and the story proceeded:
"A little boy in Baltimore "had been
given a pair of rubber boots by his
father. He waded in the water with
them?water ran over the tops of the
boots?boy took cold?mother put his
feet in hot water?grew worse?doctor
came?little boy died?undertaker?funeral."
The small boy listened attentively
the end of the story, and the father
was congratulating himself on the
impression he had made, when, with
a long breath, Phillip asked:
"What did they do with the
boots?"?From Norman E. Mack's
The New Perfecti
It suits the most exacting Fren
is found in luxurious villas?in c&mj
Everybody uses it; everybody Ekes
the year round. It bakes, broils, row
It is equipped with a special heating
fection oven, broiler, toaster, and p
signed for use with the
All dealer* sell the stove. It is handtom
finished in nickel, with cabinet top, dr
shelves, towel racks, etc. Long chimneys, e
ameled turquoise-blue. Made with 1, 2 or
NEWARK, N. A
1 GET A CERTIFIC
I IN THIS STI
5 For those who have saved
T come, free from the annoy;
investment we strongly re<
5 They bear interest at the n
4> able at the end of Three, SI
6 Banking your money regul
you from spending it, but s
t business, pleasure or time
& SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES FOB
t $2.00 and $3.00 PER YEAR.
I Loan and Ss
?- <T\/T\ /T\/T\ <T^^ /Tl A /T".tsT\ A /T^ .#. ~Tiif\J
BEST IN QUALITYWe
wish to call your atte
cles that we carry In stock. It
sell our customers the HIGH
EST POSSIBLE PRICES. Give
that we have gained you as oi
GROCERIES?Fresh, choice K
r* m ri I?1 AIIWO O f t Vl A T rVTlmot
anu 1'ivuio a.l inv Ajunwot
tatoes, Octagon Soap, 6 1
lasses, 70 Cts. per gal.
HARDWARE?Horse and Mule
Tools; Poultry Wire, 4 i
kinds of Plows, etc.
CLOTHING?Boys' Pants?sizes I
$1.75; Men's Pants?all slz
Nice Blue Serge Suits at $1
son's newest creations In 1
Made-to-Measure Clothes 1
the Best in the World.
NOTIONS?Arrow Brand Collars,
ment of Fancy Shirts, with
Underwear, including the t
line of Ribbons, Braids, etc
The Headlight Overalls and
ker?Wa cell them.
I DRY GOODS?All kinds of Dress
at the Lowest Prices. See 1
See us for Calicoes, Glngha
ory Shirting, etc.
SHOES?All styles of Peters's S!
States Army Shoes for Men
In both high and low heels
does' Oxfords?Gun Metal,
in both Lace and Button.
HATS AND CAPS?Let us show
NETED HAT; Best, Genuin
ri of Men's Sailor shapes; sev
4-' and by all means, be sure
I J. M. SI
t ; the every*:
Remarkable.?Senator Simmons was
talking about a boom.
"I congratulated him on his boom," R(]
said the senator laughing, "and he ap- i|g
peared astonished that I knew any- Tfi
thnlg of It. But I told him I had a pe
keen sense for booms, even for little ^
ones. I explained that I was like the ho
Newborn urchin. so
"A Newbern urchin used to call on
a certain old lady every Saturday af- jnj
ternoon and she. would give him a 0t]
piece of cocoanut layer cake. But one go
Saturday, as she expected company for an
tea, she decided not to cut the cake, Qf
and therefore none was offered to the
"He said plaintively, as the time an
caniv KM IIIIII iu KUi
" 'I believe I smell cncoanut layer co
"The old lady laughed, went to the
cupboard and cut him a very thin S<
slice. When she gave It to him he jj?
thanked her and said: he
" 'But It seems strange that I could gr
smell such a little piece, doesn't It?"'
?Washington Star. m
* * ' In,
Rough On Engineers.?Bill Rain,
the veteran engineer of the Santa Fe,
tells the following: "One day when I
was In freight service I caught a work to
train out to a point near Topeka. We 11c
had orders to work for a foreman ac
named Smith. Smith had the honor ro
of being the father of a boy about 19 g?
years old, who, if he had had a little cu
more sense, would have been half- ot
witted. While riding on the engine T
Smith said to me: q,
" 'Bill, I wish you would take that of
boy of mine to Topeka with you and ba
get him a Job in the roundhouse." 80
" 'What do you want to get him a a?
job in the roundhouse for?' I asked bc
" 'Well, I want him to work up to
be an engineer,' he said.
"I asked him: 'Why don't you give ^
him a job on the section and let him pi
work up to be a foreman?' $3
" 'Well,' he said, *you know, Bill, _
the boy ain't quite bright.'"?Kansas bj
City Star. sc
Iter Many a fellow's only source of
income is a latch key.
tsr Fortunate is the man who can m
pick his own brand of success. la
iXST Flattery is the coin with which ^
some people pay their way.
tar Lots of us trouble most about the q.
things that never trouble us. 6
tar There is sorrow without selfish- j*'
nesa, but never selfishness without
| ^ 1^ ^^ ^ 6^
on Oil Cook-stove
ch chef. It suits die Housewife. It A<
pt?in farms?in humble city homes.
it It is die all-round stove for all H<
its and toasts as well as a coal range. ?*
[ plate, and we seQ the New Per- lai
oncake griddle each apeciaDy de- It
every stove. W<
Jy alto oven to KseJ ?99 wl
z iTVJK II ln
3 j cents to coyer / U I
mailing cost 9 \ * N*
i New Jersey)
vj7V^/ W "-A/ W vA/ ?"wv
ATE OF DEPOSIT I
tONG BANK I
1 money and desire a regular in- <
ance and worry of other forms of ()
commend OUR J J tic
ATE OF DEPOSIT ? fe|
ate of 4 Per Cent., and are renew- j |
Ix and Twelve .Months. a ne
larly at this Bank not only keeps <.
aves it for future use, whether for ?
of need. X
r IVC/il A *?
ivings Bank |
XE, S. C.
-LOWEST PRICES I
iiition to a few of the many artl- yf ;
Is our constant endeavor to '
EST QUALITY at the LOWus
a trial and we will be sure
le of our permanent customers. <
Ingan's Hams, the beet Sugars Ne
Prices; Nancy Hall Seed Po- py
mrs for 25c; New Orleans Mo. ?5
Collars, all kinds of Farm Ge
and 5 foot; Enamel Ware, all j
5 to 17 years?Prices, 25 Cts. to
;es?Prices, 50 Cts. to $6.00 Pair; |
0.00; Various styles of the Sea- t
Men's Suits?Prices, $10. to $20. j*
rroin tlie Famous Royal Tailors? !
2 for 25 Cts.; a complete assort- ?
and without collars; all kinds of
amous B. V. D. line; a complete \
. Full line of Fancy Ties.
Jackets are the Best on the MarGoods
and Silks?Best Qualities
WUUA /IaaJo TlUlr. 2
ma, x ci taico, tt iiuc uuvuo, xiiwa- 'irj
hoes for Men; Herman's United ,kj
; all sizes of White Canvas Shoes |?
fnr T.qHI oq on nlncrnrit lino r\t T S\ -
Gun Calf, Vlcls, Patents, Tans? A'
We sell Cat's Paw Rubber Heels. |
you the MALLORY CRAVENe
Panama Hats at $5.00; all styles
eral styles of Indies' Straw Hats; '
to see our nice line of Boys' and ! _
r r o u p v
130 Acres?5 miles west of the city of
>ck Hill. Joining farms of A. E. W1I,
John Mcllwaine and W. L. Plexlco,
lis Is one of the best producing farms
r acre in Ebenezer township; good
sture, hog wire; 3 horse farm open;
celling has 5 rooms; good tenant
use with 3 rooms. Property of Johnn
Cameron. For prices apply to J. C.
Ilborn, Yorkville, S. C.
116 Acrse?The Holmes Place; Join;
Holbrooke Good, Ed Thomas and
tiers; a nice new cottage, 6 rooms,
od barn; also a nice 6 room house
d store room, barn, etc. Located at
ms roads. Good land at the low price I
177 Acre*?Pronertv of Marlon R.
>ve, three miles from Sharon station
id six miles from Torkvllle; 20
res in cultivation, balance in timber.
me of the finest oak timber in York ,
unty on this place. Price $17X0 per
951-2 Acres?Joins J. B. Scott, Ed
indifer and depot grounds at Phila lphla;
76 acres in cultivation; 1
veiling house, 4 rooms; 2 tenant
uses. Property of J. P. Barnes. A
166 Acres?In Ebenezer township; 1
lie of Newport, 1 mile of Tlrxah
lurch. A nice 2-story, 7-room dwellg;
several good tenant houses. High
ate of cultivation. Wilson Huey.
1012-3 Acres?Joining McGill store
Bethany, fronting King's Mountain
ad; 1 dwelling, 5 rooms; barn, cotn
house and crib; property of Char>
Douglass. This Is a cheap bargain
id can be bought at once.
331-2 Acres?On King's Mountain
ad, one mile from Bethany High
:hool; land lies level; 17 acres in
iltivation, balance in timber. A part
the Douglass tract
68 Acres?More or less, Joining C. M.
man, Norman Black and others,
ne mile from the Incorporate limits
Yorkvllla, About 26 acres clear,
dance In timber. One S-room house,
od barn, etc,
169 Acres?1 dwelling, 6 rooms; 70
res in cultivation; 60 acres in tlmsr;
2 1-2 miles of Smyrna; 1 tenant
luse, new, with 4 rooms; good barn,
lb, lumber and buggy house. Property
' H. M. Bradley. Price, $8,000.00.
100 Acres?Joining Mrs. Mattle
lchols, T. J. Nichols and others. The
roperty of L. R. Williams. Price,
11.00 an Acre.
810 Acres?2| miles of 8haron; 1
veiling house, 2 tenant houses, good
irn; half mile of Sutton Springs
hool. Splendid Farm.
A Nice Cottage Homo?In the town
' Smyrna; 6 rooms, situated near the
raded school building. One of the _
:st cottages in town. Price, $060.
300 Acres?Tom Owin home, three
lies of Sharon; 3 tenant houses; a
rge brick residence, worth twoilrds
of the whole price of the farm,
319 Acres?Joins R. B. Hartness, M. %
Love and others. 1 House, 1-story,
rooms; 6 tenant houses, all well Untied;
1 6-room, 4 I-room; good barn,
tuble crib; hydraulic ram running
iter to house; 2 good pastures; IN
res under cultivation; 160 in timber.
ioe upon application. Property or
ihn T. Feemater.
20 Acroo?At Filbert One-atory
iuoe, 4 rooms; one-half red and othsandy.
11 Acree Joins L. Ferguson, Frank
nlth, J. W. Dobson. 1 bouse, 1-story,
rooms. Price, $1,30040.
220 Acres?Near King's Mountain
Utleground; 1 house, 1-ltory, seven ^
oms. New; 26 acres under cultha-?
>n, balance In timber; t miles from
lug's Creek. Good new barn, dressed
mber; 2 tenant houses, S rooms each,
lee, $15.75 per Acre.
200 Aores?Fronting public road, 1ary
4-room house; 4 horse farm open; .
acres In timber; 2 miles from Rody.
Price, $3040 per Acre.
Residence of J. J. Smith, deceased,
Clover, on King's Mountain street;
stories, 7 rooms; wood house; barn,
>w stable; good garden; well for
ock near barn.
75 Acree?Level land, >1 miles from
laron; 1 house; 40 acres In cultiva>n.
Price, $2040 per Aore. Walter
57 Acres?2 miles of Hickory Grove;
i public highway: fronting Southern
ilway. Price, $2040 an Acre.
153 Acres?Joins T. W. Jackson, L.
WnnH *ni1 nthArc 1 l.itnr* l.mnm
use; 1 tenant taouae, 4 rooma; f
Ilea of Newport Price, $21.00 Acre,
A beautiful lot and realdence of lira
la El Faulconer. On EMst Liberty
reet, 100 feet front, about 400 feet
iep; Jolna Rev. EL EL Qllleaple and
on. O. W. 8. Hart Price en Appli*
369 Aores In Bamberg Co.?Joining
nds of D. O. Hunter and B. P. Smoak;
5 acres in cultivation, balance In
nber; at one of the flneat schools In
e county; 1-4 mile of church. Much
the land In this neighborhood proiced
1 bale of cotton to the acre,
ly one wishing a line bargain will do
sll to inveetlg&te it
102 Acres, Fairfield Co.?Joining
lids of R. S. Dunbar, 4 miles of Woodird
station. On Little river; 40 acres
M..1l4?ra4lA?i D.Ias AA
v. utki vauuii. w~uvvy fwv.wu.
Do you want Bargains in Moors Co*
C.f 8ss ms ana talk it ovsr.
J. C. WILBORN.
Between a good and a poor prepara>n
in business method is Just the dlfrcnce
between system and carelessss,
between success and failure.
Deposit your money with us and do
ur business in a systematic manner.
rhe Bank of Glover,
OIjOVZIR, ?. O.
J. HARRY FOSTER
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
Yorkville, 8outh Carolina.
V AMaa In UeTJaal V3..I14
W VUIUU IU iUUHWl OUllUlU|.
)r. B. G. BLACK
Dfflce second floor of the New Mcel
building. At Clover Tuesday and
Iday of each week.
0. W. S. Hart. Jot. E. Hart.
HART & HART i
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
Yorkvilla S. C.
1. 1. Law Range. 'Phone (Offlce) 68,
JOHN R. HART
ATTORNEY AT LAW
No. 3 Law Ranae.
YORKVILLE, 8. C.
J. S. KKICE.
TTORNEY AT LAW
Office Opposite Court House.
Vompt attention to all legal buslia
of whatever nature.
BOILER FOR SALE
[7 E have for sale a first-class secf
ond-hand 12-hp. STEAM BOILcomplete
with all trimmings, that ^
will sell cheap. Also an 8-hp. TOR
L. M. GRIST'S SONS.
xml | txt