OCR Interpretation


The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, October 31, 1857, Image 1

Image and text provided by State Historical Society of Iowa

Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn84027096/1857-10-31/ed-1/seq-1/

What is OCR?


Thumbnail for

STJ'TViMMii & xn"
vV.^OKS®*'''7
v^,,: It
jtasgg
VOLUME I.-SOMBER
VMS
piONPAftEII.'
ST
w
tr. MATRABD A*
One *i«are, 2
or
'*"•OD*
in**rti^
l^u »ui»«-i«eut iiweruoo,
g*uic one year,
mx months,
three month#,
One Column, one year
six nwaths,
three months*
Ualf Column one year,«»*
IX ®MUlU»,
threewoaths i'.',
One-fourth Columu, une^e^
Uree
A. FORD,
KOBKBT L. BOl'tiLAHS,
OHKe 11. lUe LMcr East• K»jn "^jjj "'iM«"Uw™erl
Broadway, nearly opposite '"e
r*clu
^.upicU by II. Null fc Co
lentil Ulilfla City, Auituat lat-nM u
r.
U.
i. c. BLOOMtB)
Mlmrm JT-*llr mt Of*' f-r
tumf
.»«• »VrA"
f-iEEDS k COX VEV AM-tS OF AI.L KIJIUS.
i) pioiuptiy aile«l um ««1 ^kiwwIeUlicJ
Ml Kuipire BlucH, oppuaite VMltc MW.
Ho l»o7-nl-u
IOLLINS' HOISE.
C0KNBB OF 3uu AND MAKtKT STREETS,
Un JIXM t«», t0vm.
I, A. rUTO.M C«UJ»
PllOtH IK TUKS.
A. COC Hit AM»
Gkmeral Xi«nd A*®nt»
C(M N'n. BU FFS. IOWA.
W-ILI.'I'.-
PHO.MPTLV Ai rt-M) TO THE I O
tM'ION »uJ Sale CI Land Warrants fur nuu
reMilem'-i p.ymeiu
uf
LATE
Taxes, a"'' purchase and
«ie.,r HeaI K.taie nenerally. Will alsu euter lauds
lor Ule.'s and tsive time tor payments
UK. II. A. IIAKSDLEII,
Mmmermmmlhlc «»•••», ftmrg-tmm mm* Jt
eomchtur,
of pottsvllle, i'a, w«»uld respectfully tender his
.services to the cili/eu* «»f C'Ol'NClL BLUFFS and
trtcunty Offli-e Palmer's Bl* k. one square bel*»w the
ft1 itt'- House, where he may be o»n*uUed at ail times,
wfern int otherwise professionally enuaKed. Particular
attention kivpii to diseases of Females and Children.—
At'-'. Chronic complaints of long *UM)iti£.
Sept. 12th, 1857. "^'y
J. K. OASADV.
u-
C'ASADY «h TEST,
JHtriwyi mm* fmmmtllmr* mi i««i
UESERAL LAJfB AOE*TS,
..
0© 'Jit
11.
,,-U.L VKOMPTLV ATTEXD TO LA.ND
W Vtfemies, Collections, Investing Money, L.*at
j„* and Selling Laud Warrants, and all other business
j*rt.uinuf tJifir profetisivn in I* esteru luwa and Ne-
bratka
M. TOOT I.
B, I
T. K. TOOTLE.
Aill
S W. i FAIKI.KIUH,
W. TOOTLE.
TOOTLES fc FAIRLE1GH,
£\l
I.I SIVKI.Y wnoi.ESAI.K DEALERS IN PRY
iool»S, Groceries, Boots, bhucs, Clothiug Liquor*,
Jic., &c., and
WtllAUDl.Vti fc COMMISSION MERCHANTS,
li, Street. Ml, Jotwph, Ma.
D, C. BLOOMER'S
tM •ff'"!' Kxthmg*
EMPIRE BLOCK.
irav hes or the lasd aoexcy
Business promptly attended u». Laud Bought and
S-i 'tity Loaned and Land tiutered on Time. Land
Warraius kept coustaully for sale at the lowest rates.
5 j- unit e in Kuipue Block, opi»osiie Pacilic House.
May IStf-nltt
N. W MILLS & CO.,
blj.VK mrnmu .SJ.vpwitmms,
UOUIfc.UtMl.HH 4 JUU IfHVMtKS,
»!NI MAGAZ1MKX. PERIODICALS LAW BOOKS,
I Old Books, Music, lie., fce
A!*". Manufacture Blank M'mt* for InnkH. Hotels.
KUiaui!., Couiity ufflw.'1-i, &C., in any style, rulnlio
pattern. nS-3ui.
•GKO. 5NYUKR. SHERMAN.
SNIUER k. SHERMAN,
Attorney*, runirlan ml L»w fc iSelariee Pablic,
COUNCIL
IOWA.
-ftrlLL PRACTICE THEIR PROFESSION
.^V all the Courts l..wa and Nebraska. All
£dlllei'ti»n$ entrusted to theircare, attended to promptly.
Bfptvial attention niven to buying and selliuti real es
tate. and iiukinK pre-enipt»Miin iu Kebiaafca.
leed, Mortgages, and other instruments of writing
drawn with dispatch, acknowledgments taken, kc., lie.
83- Office on Cpper Broadway. niu.
Curtis' Brothers,
Surveyors and Laud Agents,
COC NCI I. BLUFFS, IOWA.
•kfe'lCIUSO. t, PAL»t:r» BLOCK.
11 rILL PAT PROMPT ATTENTION TO TIIK
1
LAT-|opinion.
/•V mg out Lands, all biisiuess conuected with
Ciivil Engineering, Drafting, fee., also the Paying of
fexe*. Huyuig and Selling of Real Kstate. Locating
Iflmi Warrants, and Making Collection*. oS-u
T. S. VERDI It BtC.,
S U E O N E N I S S
(Graduates of American Dental Colleges.)
•tdecM oyjosUe Palmer's BteeV
COVNC1L BLl'FFS, IOWA.
Saturday May, 1867. nl-«r
THOMAS FAFI%|-
IVholaalt Dealers in Fancy Goodt, Im
porters of Wine*, Liquor* k Cigars,
Kerth hecoa* Street,
St. L*uis, Missouri. ,*V
ti20»6tn.
gyp
EDWIN PHASER:
leal Estate Brsker A Geaertl Ag't.
1
laner Bnaiwi e*pmtlt tame Usage,
COUNCIL BLUFFS, IOWA.
j|vTS,tELU, RESTS, AXD EXCHANGES
*H kiada Real K«Ute (or dnUnt dealers or per
Mti* in the City. Loans money, makes collections
taxes, and draws abstracts of title. Gives reliable
lafunuaiivo respect mg me
prlce*
ot Real Estate and
saecate* ail btuineaa ojuweted wilb a Real Estate
i Agency.
!*w
variety of the most desirable Real Rstate for
Me at all times on tbe muai reasonable terms, ul-u
W DOUGLAS & LAJUE,
Carpenters fc Joiners,
alAVE LATELY OPENKD A SHOP ON LOWER
the OKI
e e e
e-
SnCnJn'®
8
J. T. OUT EE,
ASS DEALEB II r~
Setlemens' Furnishing Goods,
ftmrt St., mppmMt PmttOc
COl'NCIL BLLEFS, IOWA.
ITEEPs ON HAND A CHOICE SELECTION
he'iTl"8'
ASU,KllES 4
VESTISG^!??
V.,. n £.,,p» in,r,
tif '«:i*T
ie
PUBLISHED
ya» CWJRTII I
She blossomed in the oonntrfi
Wbere uw MUM"'
W»»«l
k
n«ir ro«r irw tfMD4 ibe
\»d brightest blessinss brinfsj
I H«" .m ber sole inheriusce,
Aad «r«c* l** ""'J
.: I nerar dreamed the wild
onttlMi so «»*i»
nr distant from the city,
L05i0,
Innee-s*i, r»'-»y'|
,Uck'3,4 8UrT"
*W*C*"
uns
OF ADVERTISING
And inland 'rom en-.
uy lassie blouinetl in (oodnftl)
4s pore u pure could be
She caught her dewy frethney.
From hill aod mountain bewer,
I
uever dreamed the wild
lv,so
wood
Contained bo sweet a flower.
The rainbow must hiw lent III
gome «f Its airy grace
The wild rose parted with a Mm
.. .80,00
...40,0#
That nestled on her face
The sunbeams got entangled m-
The low? wave* of her hail?
Or she ne'er had grown to b#'
So modest and so fair.
The early birds have taught Mf
The joyous matin song,
And some of their soft innocence
.20.090
l*
A TTORSEY AND COVSSBLLO* AT LAW.COC*
e—..wr
k. Meimm. Middle Broadway.
MCCLELLAND.
MONN I MeCLiiLLAND,
rHVntVIA^ At sliwn.us,
(COUNCIL BLUFFS, IOWA. t"
H. I'EliHAM. S.H.KIUDLK
B' B. PKttRAM fc €«.,
Bankers k Dcucrs iu liwuaaje,
COUNCIL BLLFFS, IOWA.
nl-o
V
She's been with them so lung,
And for her now, if need be*
I'd part with wealth and power
'i 1 never dreamed the wild w«i
Contained so iweet a flower.
Hay ijTpetticoats.
1
V
Y A O E S A W
Then the day chosen for the runaway
match was an auspicious one. Maggie's fa
ther was to drive her to I) a small vil
lage near where she lived, and there she was
to join a sailiug party down IJ river, to
the grove three miles below, from which the
party was to return in the evening, in car
riages.
Our plan was, that I shonld be in waiting
in the village, and should go to the boat
with the sailing party, while Maggie, after
leaving her father, should slip off with lJob
Styles across the country.
At last, 1 got dressed, and presented my
self before Maggie Lee, blushing a great
deal. I believe feeling very much pinched
about the waist, and with an uncomfortable
consciousness that my—my shirt sleeves
were too short, or wanting altogether.
Evervthing finjshed, in the way of toilet,
TKST
No the young ladies were the difficult
ones to deceive. For instance, there was
one among them, a beautiful girl of seven
teen, just returned from boarding-school,
who had not seen Maggie Lee for three years.
Of course, she was delighted to see me, when
she found out that I was Maggie, whieh, by
the way, did not occur until after we start
ed. SW threw herself into my arms, pulled
my veil aside, and kissed me half a dozen
times, in a manner that made my finger-ends
A whole knot of crinoline then surround
ed me, on the upper deck of the boat, to the
I was terribly embarrassed, bnt it would
not do to give up then. As soon as my trick
should become known, Bob Styles' trick
would also come out and as news of that
kind travel fast in the country, he and his
lad^-love would be telegraphed and followed
before they could reach Philadelphia, where
the Styles family lived, and where the knot
was to be tied.
W+ZZSkhZ-Z
open work stockings whioh came up nearly
to my waist, with a pair of saitora borrow
ed from the aery
ant girl, in ul of which tog
gery my "running Rear" looked quite fern
enine and respectable but the idea of the
gentlemen talking about my ankle*, and of
being cautioned thus by a young girl, who
would have been frightened to death if 1
had told her the tame Uuns yesterday, was
too much for me. I broke into a sort of
strangulated laugh, which I could only check
by swallowing half of my little filagree lace
edged handkerchief. The young ladies all
looked at me, in apparent astonishment at
such a voice, and 1 wanted to laugh all the
more. Fortunately, Mr. Bimby came to my
rescue at the moment, and edged himself in
among the erinoliae.
"May 1 sit here?" he asked, pointing to
a low stool near me.
"Certainly," 1 simpered in my high fal
setto.
"Ah, thank you," said Bimby—with a
lackadistical air, which, nauseated me, as
coming fross one man to an other—"you
are as ltind as you are fascinating!"
"You flatter me!"
"1? No indeed praise of you cannot be
flattery, Miss Lee."
"Oh, sir, you are really a very naughty
man," 1 said in the most feminine tone 1
could command.
H.
etraMnH think of such a thing.
"But you must
W. C. JAM"
o. w. ruti
PRICE It JAM£i*
TTORXEY* AT LAW.IOIXIL BLUFFS.
A
My happinew depend*
on it. Here, pot on the thingumbobs, and
the what's-his-name."
And my friend, Bob Styles, held up be
fore my hesitant ga*e a suit of feminine »p-
^His idea was that I should personate his
lady-love for one day, to prevent anybody
1
from suspecting the truth—namely, that she
had joined him in a runaway marriap- party
until it could be too late for interference
that is, until the minister should have tied
the knot between them, that nothing but a
special grant of Legislature could untie.
This scheme was not so actually absurd
as it appeared at first sight. Maggie Lee
was a tall, queenly woman, with an almost
masculine air, and at that time, 1 had a very
slight foi m—almost effeminate, so that, in
fact, there was really but little difference on
that point. Then I had light hair, tolerably
long, and a fresh complexion. Part my
hair in the middle, and put a bonnet on my
head and few persons would have suspected
but what I was really one of the softer sei.
These accessories also gave me quite a de
cided res. mblance to Maggie Lee, especially
when, as in this case, the disguise was her
own.
He cast a languishing glance at me
through the black veil, and I tairly begin to
fear for his "feelings."
We soon arrived at tne grove, and found
our band—engaged beforehand—awaiting
os. Of course, dancing was the first amuse
ment, and lawyer Bimby led me out for a
schottische. It was verj hard, at first, for
me to take the lady 's part in my dance, but
1 soon got accustomed to it. When a waits
was proposed, 1 resolved to have a little
amusement at the
expense of the unfortunate
Bimby.
I had first made him purposely jealous,
by dancing with two other young fellows,
one of whom 1 knew, in my own character,
but who never suspected me as Maggie Lee.
This young man, who was a great woman
Having thus stirred Bimby up to feats of
wrathful valor, I asked one of the gentle
men to direct the musicians to play a waltz.
Bimby came immediately.
"Ahem—a Miss Lee, shall I—a, have the
honor of—a—trying a waltz with you
1 smiled a gracious acquiescence and com
menced.
Now, I am an old stager at waltzing. I
can keep it up longer than any non-profes
sional dancer, male or female, whom 1 ever i
met. As long as Cachucha or Schounebrun
nen ring in my ears, 1 can go on, if it is for
a year.
Not so Bimby. He plead want of prac
tice, and-acknowledged that he soon got
dizzy.
"Aha, old boy," thought I, "I'll give
a turn, then!"
But I only smiled, and said that I should
Bob Stvles "took me into his light wagon, probably ge't tired first.
drove ine over to bv a secluded "Oh yes," he exclaimed, "of course: 1
by a secluded
route, and left me at the hotel, where tbe can walt'z as long as any one lady, but not
sailin" party was to assemble. Several of much more."
the p'ick-niekers were already there, and I For the first three minutes, my cavalier
thev greeted my cavalier cordially, (every- did well. He went smoothly and evenly, but
bodv knew Bob Styles,) asking if ne was i at the expiration of that time, began to
not going with thein", etc. He told them he I grow warm. Five minutes elapsed, and
was not. Bimbv's breath came harder and harder.—
"I'ressin" business engagements yon On we went, however, and I scorned to no
know, and all that sort of thin». Deuced tice his slackening up at every round, when
sorrv I can't go, though. I just nad time to we passed my seat. Alter some ten or
bring Miss Lee over, and now I'm off. Mr. twelve minutes, the wretched man gasped
Bimby this is Miss Lee," and he rattled off out between his steps,
a long string of brief introductions, which "Ah, a—are you not get—getting tired?"
convinced ine that but few of the company "Oh, no 1 burst forth as coolly as if
were acquainted with the young lady whom I we were riding around the room—"Oh, no,
I was personating—a fortunate thing for I feel as if I could waltz all night."
the preservation ot mv disguise. The look of dispair that he gave me was
Mr. Bimby, a tall, legal-looking man, with terrible to see.
a hook nose, and eye-glass and liuffy hair, I was bound to see him through, however,
seemed to be prepossessed with owpenonflle and we kept at it. Bimby staggered, and
and 1 overheard him whisper to {Job Styles, made wild steps in all directions. His shirt
as he went out: collar wilted, his eyes protruded, bis jaw
"Nice-looking girl, that Miss Lee." hung down and, altogether, I saw he could
"Yes," answered Bob, with a mischievous not hold up much longer.
glance at me, "she in a nice girl, though a "This is delightful," I said composedly,
little go-ahead sometimes. Keep
a
little "and you, Mr. Bimby, waltz so easily
look-out on her will you"—then, lowering Puff— puff—
ah—puff— yes—oh—puff
his voice—"not a bad match for you, old very—puff delightful,'' gasped h
fellow she is rich." "Don't you think it ought to go a little
"Is she V" said Mr. Bimby, his interest
deepening.
"On my honor," replied Bob.
thousand in her own right. -J
faster V"
He rolled his eyes heavenward in agony.
"Ah, puff—puff I don't—ah—puff—don't
"Fortv
Good day!" anil know."
he was gone. So, when we neared the musicians, I said,
Maggie Lee, artful creature that she was, "Faster, if you please—faster!" and they
had told her father that the sailing party i played a la whirlwind.
was to assemble at another hotel, and thith- Poor Bimbay threw his feet about like a
er he had takan her. Having business in fast pacer, and revolved after the manner of
he left her there merely saying that: a teetotum which was nearly run down. At
be would send the carriage for her at eleven last he staggered a step backwards, and
o'clock. She, like a dutiful daughter, kiss- spinning excentrically away from me, pitch
ed him, bid him good-bye, and before he ed headlong into the midst of a small bevy
had gone a hundred rods, took a seat in Bob of ladies in a corner. 1 turned coolly, and
Styles' light wagon, which had driven up to walked to my seat and sent the young wo
the back door as old Lee's carriage drove man-killer for a glass of iee-water.
away from the front, and the old story of The miserable lawyer recovered his senses
headstrong love and prejudiced age was en- just in time to see me thank his rival for the
acted over again. water.
As for us, of the picnic excursion, we' I got some idea, from this, of the fun
had a delightful sail down to the Grove, but young ladies find in tormenting us poor dev
soinehow I couM not enjoy it as much as 1 ils of the other sex.
ought to have done. When I walked on At this juncture, and before Mr. Bimby
board the hoat, I felt awkward, as if every- had time to apologize for his accident, little
'body was looking at me. 1 found Mr. Bim- Jennie came running into the pavillion which
by, as 1 had suspected, a young and rising served as a ball-room. As she came near, I
lawyer, mighty in Ulackstone and his own perceived that her hands were clutched
He insisted on paying for my ticket tightly in her dress, and I positively shud
(the boat was a regular excursion packet,) dered, as she whispered to me,
and purchasing enough oranges, pears, and i "Oh, Maggie! come and help me fix my
I candies, to set up a street stand. Four or skirts—they are all coming down.
five times I was on the point of swearing itt What should I do? 1 was in agony. A
his impudent officiousness, but bit my tongue cold perspiration broke out upon mv fore
just in time to prevent the exposure. But i head. I wished myself a thousand miles
it was not with him that 1 found my role the away, and anathamatized Bob Styles' mas
hirdest to play.
ouerade project inwardly with fearful male
dictions.
1 said I was tired out—could not some
body else go
No, nothing would do, but I must accom
pany her to tne house of a gentleman who
owned the grove, and assist her to arrange
ber clothing.
So 1 went.
What if it should be necessary to remove
the greater part of her raiment What if
she would tell me to do some sewing What
tingle for an hour. It was all very nice, but if in the midst of the embarrassment of be
if I had been in propria persona, I would i ing closeted with a beatiful girl of seventeen,
have liked it better. As it wns, 1 felt as if in a state of comparative freedom from
I were "obtaining goods under false pre- drapery, my real sex and identity should be
tences," and that lawyer Bimby might issne discovered bj her
a warrant for my arrest on that ground, at
any moment.
1 felt as i? an apoplectic fit would he a
fortunate occurrence for me, just then.
However, I nerved myself up for the task,
and accompanied Jennie to the house desig-
utter exclusion and consequent disgust of nated. An old lady showed us up into her
Mr. Bimby and the other gentlemen. 1 kept
very quiet, only speaking monosylables, in a
falsetto voicebut tbe others—Lord bless
you how they gabbled Under a strict
promise of secrecy, the little boarding
school maiden, who had kissed me so affec
tionately, revealed all her love affairs, and
also became unpleasantly confidential about
other matters—innocent enough in them*
selves, but not customarily talked of between
ladies and gentlemen.
chamber, and Jennie heaving a sigh of re
lief let go her dress. As she did so a—
par
don my blushes!—a petticoat fell to the
floor. She was about to proceed, but I
alarmed her by a sadden and vehement ges
ture.
"Stop!" 1 cried frantiealilv and forget
ting my falsetto: "stop! don't undress, for
God's sake!"
She opened her great browu e S to their
widest extent.
"And why not t"
"Because I am—I am—a—oan yon keep
a secret P"
"Why yes—how frightened jou look!
Why what is the matter—Maggie!—you—
why—oh! oh!! oh!!!
And she gave three fearful sereaau.
Hash, no noise, or I am lost!" I exclaim
ed)
Nor was I conscious of having very small
feet for a man, and bad donned a pair of
W» i«
sacred secrecy. i alluded to ki-W
tiH she had arranged her dress, when she
called me in again. She had heard of me
from Maggie and others, and wanted to hear
all the particulars so 1 sat down by her,
and we had a long talk, which ended in a
mutual feeling of friendliness and old ac
quaintanceship, auite wonderful for peo
ple meeting for tne first time. Just as we
started to go back to the pavillion, 1 said
that I must relieve my mind of one more
burden.
"And what is that she asked.
"Those kisses. You thought 1 was Mag
gi» Lee, or you would not have given them.
They were very sweet, but 1
suppose I mast
give them back."
And 1 did.
She blushed a good deal, but she didn't
resist, only when I got through, she glanoed
up timidly, and said,
"1 think you are real naughty, anyhow."
When we returned, 1 found lawyer Bimbv
quite recovered from his dizziness, and all
hands for supper, which was served in the
ball-room. 1 sat between Bimby and Jennie,
and made love to both of them in turn to
one as Maggie Lee, and to the other as my
self. After supper, at which I astonished
several by eating rather more heartily than
young ladies generally do, we had more
dancing, and I ninted pretty strongly to Mr.
Bimby that 1 should like to iry another
waltz.
He didn't take the hint.
Finding it rather dry amusement to dance
with my own kind, I soon abandoned that
pleasure, and persuaded Jennie to stroll off
into the moonlight with me. We found the
rove a charming place, full of picturesque
ittle corners, and rustic seats, and great
gray rocks leaning out over the river. On
one of these latter, a little bench was placed
in a nook sheltered from the wind, and from
sight.
Here we sat down, in the full flood of the
moonlight, and having just had dinner, 1
felt wonderfully in neea of a cigar. Ac
cordingly, 1 went back to a little stand near
the ball-room, and purchased several of the
wondering woman who sold refreshments.
killer—a sort of easy, devil-may-care rascal, Then returning to the seats by the rooks, I
who made the ladies run after him, by his gave up all my cares or fears for my incog-
protestation I selected to "plav off
Against my legal admirer. 1 allowed him to
hold me very closely and occasionally looked
at him with a half fascinating expression.
When we stopped dancing, he led me to my
seat, keeping his arm around my waist, ana
I permitted it.
alternate wrath of action and coolness of' nito, and revelled in the^pleasure of solitude lanoe, till its (tranches shoot—tower—up-
the fragrance of my cigar—the moonlight
—and little Jennie's presence.
How long we sat there, heaven only
knows. We talked, and laughed, nnd sang,
and looked in each other's eyes, and told
N. B. My wife's name is Jenniel'
LEGAL TENDER.
Gold, Silver aad Copper Coins, their Com
position, Weight, and how far they are a
Legal Tender.
By theactof Congress, January, 1857,
the standard of gold for coinage, is estab
lished at nine hundred thousandths fine, that
is, nine parts pure gold, and one part alloy,
said alloy being composed of one part silver,
and nine parts copper. The gold coins au
thorized by law, are as follows, viz:
Double Eagles of the value of $20, each
weighing 516 grains.
Eagles of the value of $10, each weighing
258 grains.
Half Eagles of the value of $5, each
weighinz 129 grains
0
8i 4-10 grains.
Pieces of the
25 8-10 grains.
8-10 trains I
0De
T" s'c
»en°iT Ple®°JT,!IP"8 ff?8-
All United States »old Co.n and the Sil-
ver Do' ar are a legal tender to any amount.,
Dimes to the amount of F.ve dollars, Three
Cent silver pieces to the amount of taj
cents, the Cent piece only to the fractional
part of a Dime.
The coins of Great Britian, France, Spain,
Oermanv, etc., are no longer a legal tender.
Don't you think we've got the dear­
est minister in the world said Laurina,
3ame,
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING, BY MAYNARD 1 LONG. OFFICE, NO. I PALMER'S BLOCK, THIRD BTORY, COUNCIL BUJFKI, WW.
COUNCIL BLUFFS, SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1857.
MMMiukftAis *nmron of wut
ni mwtm-A soe TAKB-OTF.
The Dubuque
Timer
fortunes, and performed all the nonsensical my expectations, an therefore will proceed
operations common among young people, to describe ther town, ftc.
just falling in love with each other, and Lokation.—Hirorum is sitewated in a
might have remined there until this month i lovely dell, on all sides of whieh pieteresk
of October, in this vear of our Lord Eigh- rocks rear ther vine-clad heads, their basis
teen Hundred and Fifty-seven, for ought I faned by wavin ferns, and draped in golden
know, had not the carriages been sent to moss. Windin round these picturesk fe
convey us home, and the rest of the compa- I tures of the landsckape, are verdant paths
ny began to wonder where we were.
open space above*
Then they saw a sight.
I was spread out in a free and easy posi-
you
says, that the Est-
prm & Herald of that eity, has a traveling
correspondent, who has contributed to the
colnmoa of that paper, of lpte, over the
signature of "H. C. K.", "most stupid
and dry series of articles
as devoid of interest to the general reader*
as a list of names in a eity directory,"—
displaying "neither talent, nor culture, nor
judgment." While several of his puffs of
Western town have been copied into the
papers published in those towtu, other pa
pers are getting up burlesques on them.—
These puffs often contain even the name of
"the village blacksmith," particularly if he
subscribe for the Express and Herald.—
There is no discrimination in the notices of
towns—every town which "H. C. K." visits
is the most thriving in the West.
Several of the burlesques referred to are
decidedly rich. We segregate from one on
'•Hirorum ltapids" found in the Cedar Falls
Banner. After mentioning that "the town
at present kontains 7 houses an 30 inhabit
ants, mostly one story hi an filled in with
brick," together with other interesting facts,
the writer proceeds as follows:
The citizens held a meetin last nite, for
the purpose of raisin a piie to invest in
copies of your paper. 1 jist tole em that I
wouldn't move a peg till I'd see the pile
that I want goin to send up their town to
immortal glorv, or doun to eternal posterity,
without they'd take a lot of the papers, on
the glowing pages of which was depicted
the transcendant advantages of ther ad
mirable town. Skwire Crawley was kailed
to the cheer, an presided over the delibera
tions with his usual wisdom an equanamer
ty. Jabez Kruper arose an promulgated his
vews of ther persition, winding up with the
followering sublime, sysbolcrcal figger,—
"Yes, my frens! here in our midst, rite in
this town, we'll stick doun the scion of
improvement we'll pour round its roots the
waters of enterprise, fork in the manure of
energy, an top-dress it with eternal vigi
nj7
This wonder begot questions, the questions ers of such bewilderin sweetness, that a V *n
fears, and the fei«rs*a search, headed by the miser would fling aside his gold, an tear his i
Jennie was sitting close beside me with cute by 1'rime k (Lullins. One very inge
her head almost on my shoulder, and her nious piece of compound lever meackanism
small waist almost encircled by my arm.— fur the manefacter of rooffin material, by
Just as the party came along above us, I Prime A Cullins. One beautiful notched
laughed out in a loud masculine voice— steel machine, havin a reciprocatin motion,
"Just think of poor whats-his-name there worked by a man at either end, fur the pur
—Bimby! Suppose he knew that he had pose of elaboratin of logs in two—operated
y Prime and Cullins.
ppose
been making love to a man
"llush!" cried Jennie. "Look! there he
is—and, oh my gracious! there is the whole
company!"
Yes, we were fairly caught. It was of no
use for me to clap on my bonnet and assume
falsetto again—tliey had all seen to much
Lawyer Bimby was in a rage. He vowed
Bob Styles and I are living in a large
double house together. He often says that
he owes his wife to my masquerading, but
he doesn't feel under any obligations to me,
for I owe my wife to the same thi||g^
the inhabitants krawl up the hill side and I
lay in the sun when kloudy, pitch horse
shews fur beer.
Works of Art.—One splendid oil paint
in, demi-entomelogikel an semi-astronomi
kel.
I will start fur Fooselura city in a day or
two, if I can git away from Star, he wont
hear of mv leavin yet.
Yuree till deth AITCn SEE CAY.
1HESTICKS 1.1 BOSTON.
The famous "Doesticks" has furnished
the New York Picayune an account of his
visit to Boston, from which the following
extracts are made:
"Ninety-nine extra-sized angle worms lo
comoting'at high pressure speed about a
garden walk of a showery afternoon, and
being perpetually turned back wheu they
got tu the edge, and compelled to cross
•igninz nai grains. each other's trail in innumerable directions,
Quarter Eagles of the value of $2.50, each
WQU|(|^
jf
tjje
weighing 64 j-10 grains. very footsteps plainly risible, draw on the
a in irrnina garden walk aforesaid, a tolerably accurate
Pieces of the value of $1. each weighing
mne
Silver «Mins" the standard of which is nine m£e
weighing 412 5-10 grains.
Half Dollars of tne value of 50
each weighing 192 grains. i Jones aeain
Quarter Dollars of the value of 25 cents,
we'Fly"K
38
4-10 grains.
acres,
corner8
t'ja"
The
Half Dimes of the value of 5 cents, each ,ooks
£rce"ts ,ook
each weighing grains. I somewhere else, and dumped here in a huge
Dimes of the value of 10 cents, each
come out even, and he had to throw down
grains. ... i hia remnant of streets, and odd ends of al
The new cent pe.ces are composed of e.gh-
ty-eight parts copper and twelve parts nick-
Howls his war-soug to the gale
Hound the islet where loud Lefoften
WbirU u death tbe roar lag wfcftlc
and, as we looked over the
ward—way up—up—shoot—clean above
Jake Star's sign-post." I then arose an have been worn away, or that some subma
made a few remarks in my nsual happy rine convulsion has taken place, which has
style, an was rewarded by six copies of your changed the action of the waters it is im
paper bein taken, which was quite up to
1
valiant Bimbv. Thev called and looked and hair in despair at having but one nose a i On one of these occasions, a big, strap-
with a toothpick
Railroads.—A branch of tbe Grand Spi
ral Stub and Twist Air Line Railroud is un-
tion, my'bonnet taken off, and my hair! der kontract from Arbustum City to this
somewhat towzltd up. One foot rested on place, as soon as the above work is finished,
the ground, and the other on a rock, about the citizens of this town intend runnin a
level with my head(regardless of ancles this back-action, breech-loading side-cut, to the
time,)and there I sat, puffing away in a mines—still to be diskivered. ,. ... ..
verv unladylike style, at a high tlavored Manuj'acturin Establishments.—One shin- el r'ghtup to him, shook his fist in his face,
Concha. gle factrv, druv bv hand and made to exe-
General Varieties.—Nary a one. ttx
Groceries.—Skwire Crawley.
Post Office.—Skwire Crawle, P. Pig'','"
Hotels.—Star Hotel, by Jacob.
Timber.—The surrounding hills nre kiv
ered with a splendid growth of that useful
for that. Besides by this time, Bob Styles variety known as hazel, to the durability *n1 VT"''
and Maggie Lee were doubtless "one fish," an elasticity of which the risin generation an}•"undlv carwhollopped. He then
and my disguise was of no further impor- can testify. i and shook off the dir and swore he i
my disguise was ot no turtner impor
tance, so I owned up and told the story.
Skutes.— There is one tri-weaklv inster-
9UU beforc a
gr0und was soft, and their
value of $3, each weighing warden walk aforesaid, a tolerably accurate
l?a') Clt-V sto"-
18
and off u of lane8 ud
a^enucS) atul olillo^t Boaton. lf ftnv gtreet
c.,
in town should be out a straight mile in any
direction it would g0
y te
Half dollars, Quarters, Dimes, and Half
as she was spending an afternoon at Mrs. by some politician:
Partington's. Mrs. Partington's mind sal-1 At a certain public meeting, the orator
lied back" majestically in review of many was pronouncing an eulogy upon the char
ministers who had officiated in the Old acter of Washington. He spoke of 'Ttte
North, before she replied: "This is the I Father of his country'in terms of the high
dearest one, by heap of money, doar and if est praise, and said that 'if he was yet on
ministers is to be considered good according the earth, and Main a candidate for the
to their market valley, he is the best."— i Chief Magistracy of our Union, such would
"Don't you like his preaching?" said the! be the perfect trust of men of all political
young lady, cutting the drift of the old la- creeds in his integrity, that be would receive
dy's remark like a snow plow "I think he the unanimous vote of the Union. At that
is divine. He's so flowery, and his descrip- moment he happened to cast his eye upon
tion so graphic that while listening we can an old man in tne audienoe who nad once
almost hear the sound of water aud see the been a soldier in the army of Washington,
growing herbage." She was very enthusi-, He was looking the speaker full in the face,
aatic, and the subject called out all her elo- and the tears running down his cheeks be-
uenoe. "Yes, he is very fluid," replied the tokened deep feeling. The speaker paused
"1 know—very watery—and I've no- a moment, and then, as if wishing to rivet
patting my hand over her mouth. "I ticed the herbage also, but I don't think he bis assertion, he addressed the old veteran
The river "breeze was very fresh where we swear I mean no harm if I had I would net comes up quite to some of our old pastures thus 'And you, my aged friend, who can
sat, and I noticed that several of the ladies have stopped you. Don't yon see
V' in point of real strength. Why, Dr. Verbal not even nowhear the name of your beloved
were glancing uneasUy at me. I couldn't
divine the reason, until Jennie, my little
friend from boarding-school, had laid her
face dangerously close to mine, and whisper
ed "My dear Maggie, your dress is blow
ing up terribly high—-your ankles will be
town talk with the gentlemen!
have stopped you. Don't yon see
She was all in a tremble, poor little thing used to preach a sermon three hours long, chieftain without evincing deep emotion,
but she saw the force of my argument. and then have a lecture in the evening, whieh you would vote for yoor old commander,
"Ob, sir," she said, "I see you are a ssan was well giving ua our money's worth. But would yon not
but what does it all mean Why did yon: all to their taste, as the old lady said when An expression of storn determination
dress so i she kissed the cow." She relapsed into a passed over the comfenance of the old
I told ber the storr, as briefly as possible, ehair and the conversation turned on other msn, and, starting to his feet, he said:
and exacted from hw a promise of the moot subjects. The question is, Did the old lady
1
odt 1-
through a dozen pn-
,„d forty-five public music
h,„g/In fact Boilton
[ook, J,
if firgt-rate
milterial for elcellent cit.had been melt-
ej and poured thro a
Jj0
ud cooj
on a n.,ide
,,
6
,,
POLITICAL TENACITY.
Under this head the North Penht fr&k
pendent 'gets off5 a good thins, being the
substance of an anecdote related in a speceh
Unlet he teat the regular nonines of
id tw f'ii 1-i ana
•Min ~m #&-•!&*
Bayard Taylor, in hieUat letter fro* the
north of Europe, thus describes this marvel
of geographies:
On approaching the islands we had a
fair view of the last outposts of the group—
the solid barriers against which the utmost
fnry of the Atlantic dashes in vain. This
side of Vaeroe lay the large island of Mos
koe, between which and a large solitary rode
in the middle of the strait dividing tnem is
the locality of the renowned Maelstrom—
now, alas! almost as mythical as the kraa- hose, and his weight consequently stopped
ken or great sea-snake of the Norwegian the current of that *Irst of elements, as
fiords. It is a pity that the geographical
illusions of our boyish days cannot remain
Yon learn that the noise of Niagara can be
heard 120 miles off, and that "some Indi
ansTn their canoes, have ventured down it
with safety." Well, one coald give np the
Indians without much dlficalty, but it is
rather discouraging to step oat of the Falls
depot for the first time and hear no sound,
except "Cab, sir?" "Hotel, sir?" So of
the Maelstrom, denoted on my school-boy
map by a great spiral twist, which suggest
ed to me a tremendous whirl of the ocean
currents, aided by the information that
"vessels cannot approach nearer than sev
en miles." In Ofney, moreover, there was
a picture of a luckless bark, half way dowa
the vortex. I had been warming mv imagi
nation, as we came up the ooast, wrtn Camp
bell's sonorous lines—
'-Bound the shores where rank Odin
smooth
so
,.o.
possible to account for tbe reputation it
one possessed.
g^An Arkansas correspondent of the
New Orleans Picayunt, tells the following
good one:
In early times, in a county not far off,
these country dram shops were common, as
'bey were all over the State, where the
leadin to uosie nooka^'bespangft^ with tl"ow- b'hoys met every Saturday evening to shoot
...
7.
fnp wnialrv nnrl trat rlrnnlr and i»nAi ait with
11,1 a 0
a or
not
tooshun fur teachin the "young idea how to
to kill me, and even squared off, but the rest ghute."
of the party laughed at him so unmercifully Town property seems to be all of a price,
and suggested that we should waltz it out, no matter wnere the lots lays its 500 dollars,
together, that he finally cooled down, and The chances fur laborin men is good. Craw
slunk away, to take some private conveyance
back to
ube
ley has his well dug deep as he can shuvel
llwlVr0
t.
shooting.
This was not noticed by the man for whom
it was intended. That of course made him
braver and madder, lie roared out:
"I kin whip any blink-eyed sinner who
kin beat me snootin'—wboop-ee!"
The main aimed at, still said nothing.
Six-footer here 'biled' over—so he walk-
and said:
"You kin shoot, kin you?—but you
daren't to fight me—I'm
hors-ee!" Whoop-ee!"
Pa-v' f,or 'tw"r,nt
in the
barSain
°f
the
go. the
jugtice
gavc j„dgmentor
.. applause of the audience. His innocent
cfiant
crookeder
availed himself of the earliest inter-
VRj
r,lms
j10™18*
ant'
has got
hilver coins, the standard or wnicnis ne You see your friend, and you call out, r..] I have no monev do not exlnect to
Dollars'of the value of 100 cents, man! fHisZT8-!-^?.!1. I but to show you that_ I appreciate
al1* ^.lll (*rams ..
cents.! ?liml'
tb« h,lls'
»"d
tur,n
trouble gtrBi them out Bgttin. lt
if gom^,od had been
weighing 19 4-10 grains. i lot of cities by contract, and the job hadn't
iiC eo°ion,C
the hurricane of congratulation to
tajje COuasel
aside. "My dear sir," said
acord of cross-cut saws. he,"you have saved me, and I am very great-
°°PPW' minute-and you start to see ^nrdHIIfi^werto'SSTiS
Jones! you your services in getting me off, fry &—d,you
ninety corners be-
thaU have tfu
fore you get within hailing distance of from his pocket and presented to the as ton
n„ if they had bwn made
le Kmi n'ob(M, ever tnkM]
hiding
know anything else.' 'Very well! Now like you."
attend, la the beginning Uod made the
world parse world.' All the b'hoy knew
of grammar was what he had heard that
very morning from the different classes re
citing aroumf him—but he bad been taagbt
that when he was fighting in the dark.lte
must strike straight out from the shoulder
right and left, and he would be all right.
•Arse world V he drawled out inquiringly
so as to gain time.
(Yee.
1
iw a
i Urn:
I#
'PisreeP •gsn^' in^wKew York Sews,
tell* the fotl6wtog grtftstrtjrt
•During theeparatiaMthe allies In tfce
Crimea, it was re—Insi taearsy the water
in from a beautiful Ipiing of thelaeet Cro
tontothe camp. Laathar pipesor hose
were employed whitethe water was haing
supplied, the minaret sormded to prayer,
and one of tbeTnrkis%a»l£efe immediately
went Sop on his kens «»praise AUah! Ua
fortnately he went dewn right upon the
Pindar calls water in Me fret Olympatd
iet op,' cried aa Uaglish soldier.—
(Vovlez
avotM avoir la bonit, man char,
Mafuuw U Terqu**' cried a Frenchman,
with Native politeness,"to cit up.'
•That ain't the way tomake a Turh awve,'
cried another, Mhi» is the dodge.' So say
ing, he knocked his turban off. Still the pi
ous Mussleman went on with his devotions.
•I'll make him stir his trumps,' said an
other Englishman, giving bint a remarkable
smart kick. To the wander of all, still tbe
unturbaned, irell-kieked follower of the
urophet went praying on as though he was a
torty-horse parson.
•Ifoot maw PH showy
en h*w we
serve obstinate folk at auld Reekie,' quietly
observed a Scethman:he was, however, pre
vented, for the Turk, having finished hia
'Allah ui* eu allah,' rose and oezan to take
off his ooat, then to roll op his sleeves, and
then to IMew his palms with saliva, aad
then to put ^himself in tbe most approved
boxing attitude, a la Yankee Sullivan.
•He then advanced in true Tom Hyer style
to the Englishman who had kicked him'on
the lumbar region. 'A ring! a ring!' Shout
ed the soldiers and sailors, perfectly aston
ished to sec a Turk such an adept in tbe fistic
art.
'The Englishman, nothing loth to have a
bit of fun with a Turk of such a truly John
Bull state of mind, sot to work but found
he had met bis master—in five minutes he
had received his quantum tuff. As the Turk
coolly replaced his coat and turban, be turned
round and said to the admiring bystanders,
in the pure brogue, 'Bad luck to ye, he
peena when you're aftber kicking a Turk,
I'd advise ye the next time to jist be sure
he's not sn Irishman.'
water
toward Moskoe, felt a renewed deeire to
make an excursion thither on our return
from the north. But, according to Captain
Rus, and other modern authorities which 1
consulted, the Maelstrom has lost all its
terrors and attractions. Under certain con
ditions of wind and tide, an eddy is formed
in the strait, it is true, which may be dan
gerous to small boats, but the place is by
no means
muoh dreaded as tbe Saltern
Fiord, where the tide rushiug in, is caught
in such a manner as to form a bore, as in
the Bay of Fundy, and frequently proves
destructive to the fishing craft. It is the
general opinion that some of the rocks which
formerly made the Maelstrom so terrible
The mystery was solved—our lurk «as a
Tipperary man!*
™wVwm "J
The force of language is apt to he wieh
injured by a multitude Of words.
A respectable farmer in Berkshire county
has the singularly happy talent of not say
inga word too much. A young man wish
ing to marry his daughter, called upon him
one day when he happened to be in the field
ploughing with hir oxen. It was, past
doubt, a fearful matter for n dtfEdent man
to broach, and the hesitating lovor, after
running a parallel with the furrows several
marry your daughter.1
Farmer—" Take her and ttst hst well.
Whoa, haw, Buck." Ki.,j-
PET RATTLESNAKE*,
Linnvilli. Tenn., Sept. TT, 1857.
Messrs. Editors:—As I hare noticed in
the newspapers several fatal sequels of the
bite of pet rattlesnakes, and as many do not
seem to know the number of fangs which
these reptiles possess, and have in process
unanimous of development, this may not be unimport
ant to those who handle them.
The man still said nothing. I In 1852 I dissected the head of a large
Six-footer roared again the loader, and rattlesnake, and to keep from being wound
said he must hare a fight if he had to buv ed by accident I extracted the two fangs,
it. I and "proceeded to examine every tissue, when
"Look'erel Slickengocasy, if voull give 1 found another fang as large as the one I
me a Jar fight, I'll give a cow and calf." had extracted close by its side I found an-
Slickem deliberately began to strip and other, varying in size "when I was surprised
said—"If thar's any thing to be made, I'm again bv nnding others, amounting to four
in." teen—all getting smaller, and all possessing
Six-footer turned a little pale—couldn't I the same characteristics as the original fang,
back down now—struck a ring—pitched in i The oposite side corresponded in every par
Sir-footer got most ticular, excepting that there were fifteen.
rose, Most persons in petting the rattlesnake
would generally extract the fangs that are visible,
m0,
,confoundedly
I onV)un
he
to wollopped.
Slickem said! "I'll sue you
"Sue away!" said Six-footer, and mount
ed his bear skin and rode off.
Slickem went to the county seat, saw a
hjm wft8 a
B0W 0piniDg
_0(Mj CMe
U(|
j,e
and do not seem to he aware of the ultimate
danger of so horrible a serpent. If you
think this worthy of printing it is at your
pleasure.
WOula
ALFRED H. WniTE, M. D.
C5TA gentleman from Boston chanced to
find himself among a little party of ladies,
gain it for him. ife told him to make out way down east last summer, and while in
In nf I account "for work and labor done," and the enjoyment of some innocent social play,
the inhSnfsTrawI un the hSf-side Ld
T^e. He did he carelessly placed hi. arm about the slen-
the plain- der waist of as pretty a dan sela Maine ui
tiff and ordered the constable to drive the boast of, when she started and exclaimed:
Tbe
oow and calf to bim. Here it rested,
defendant was beard to say:
"Well, I reckon that mout be law, but
my losing that cow and calf all come if my
not kivertn' all the pints in tbe trade, 1
'spose.'"
^P'When Judge Henderson of Texas
was first candidate, he visited a frontier
county in which he was, except by reputi
tion, a stranger. Hearing that a trial of
felony would take place in a few days, he
determined to volunteer for the defence.—
The prisoner was charged with having sto
len a pistol the defence was "not guilty."
The volunteer counsel conducted the de
fence with great ability. He confused the
witnesses, quibbled tho court, and made an
able, eloquent, and successful argument.—
The prisoner was acquitted he had not sto
len tne pistol. The counsel received the
So saying, he drew
ished attorney the very pistol the attoi n
'J
had just shown ho had never stolen or had te
his possession.
A BUOY AT SCHOOL.
One of the juveniles, considerably ad
vanced, presented himself not long'since,
for admission to a public school near the
Dry Dock. He was shown to a seat, and
in the oourse of the morning the master
resolved to enter into a little examination
of the youth's capacities and knowledge,
prior to assigning him to a class. Calling
on the h'hoy to stand up, he asked. 'Do
you know anything of grammar?'
'Begone, sir! don't insult me!'
The gentleman instantly apologized for
the seeming rudeness, and assured the of
fended fair one that he did not intend tQ in
sult her.
'No!' she replied archly. Well, if you,
didn't—you may do so again.'
®-Tbe ambition to be witty sometimes
overcomes a vouth's filial affection:
•John,' said a father to his son, on tbe
day he was twenty-one, 'yon have got a fool
for a master now.'
•Yes,' said John, 'and have had these
twenty years.'
jy"What have you done to farther hu
man progress?" said a sententious philoso
pher one day to Jenkins.
Jenkins' reply was clear and decisive:
"I've produced seven boys and two girls,
sir."
The philosopher departed nad for the first
time in his life, thought.
|P^"Col. W. is a fine looking man, isn't
he?" said a friend of ours the other day.
"Yes,' replied another, '1 was taken for
him one time.'
'You why you are uglv as sin.
'I don't care for that endorsed his note,
and was taken for him by the sheriff."
gyHere is a pretty good parody on the
well known song of the Troiibador:
OtrlT the eSttnr sm'w"
SpaolMS his cisar.
Willi* be u scissoring!
V«w* near and ftr— n! ,fh
Looking for murders 4i%
fwJsin t.
Item »r
In the beginning
God made the world—parse world.' 'Wall,
world is the biggest kiad of a noun, mascu
line gender, all sorts of tenses, past, present
and future, and'—slapping his hands down
on the desk with a force that shook the
building—h't gavemedby GOD Now fotch
your Sunday school scholars, old boss, and
see if they can beat that.—IV. Y. Picayune.
er •First class in Oriental Philosophy
stand up. Tibhets what is life?*
•Life consists of money, a boss and a fash
ionable wife.'
'Next, what is deathf
'A paymaster who
settles everybody's debts
and gives the tombstones as
reoeipts us
lull of
all demands.'
•What is poverty?'
•The reward oif merit Osbms generally
reoeives from a discriminating psbuc.'
•What ia religion?'
•Doing unto others ai you p1eaes, without
allowing them a return o? the compliment.'
'What is fame?*
•A six line puffin a newspaper whils lie
inc. aad your fortune to jour enemies when
st Way-J« JS, IJO
yi- MWff Ikm
1
pair.
aeli Jr
r^1
Wt IH0
•ttv»
Pfqil saj—4«nl MT—
Ain't this
'Did you ever hear of the wire that
wrote to her husband in California, aad
commenced her letters thus:
"Oh! tell me not that absence conquers
•I don't love! the koger you stay away tbe er I
(J^A miHtia captain oitt south, on re
ceiving a note from a lady reqneating the
"pleasure of his oomoanyj" understood it
as a compliment to those under hia com
mand, and marched the whole of them to
the ladv'i house.
gy-A certain Cockney bloebeard, over
come bv sensibilities, fainted at the grave
of his fourth spouse. "What can we d*r
with him," asked a perplexed friend of bis.
"Let him alone," said a waggish bystander,
"he'll soon re-wive 1"
gy I think,' said farmer, 4 should
make a good eoegrsmanae, for I use their
language. Ireoeived two hills tbe other
day, with a request of immediate payment,
the one I ordered to be laid on the table,ft.e
other to be rend that day six meoths."
A subscriber writee to an American ed
itor in the West.
"1 don't want your paper any longer
To whieh the editor replied:
"I wouldn't make it any longer if von
did ite present length snits me very well."
g^A groeer having mentioned to ewof
his lady customers that the submarine ttfc*
graph was broken, she replied Ant If In their
next attempt they should grenne the cable
tfifh tome of bis strong battel^ which the
had been using for some tisaa, aha though
it would impart strength to it, Tbr grocer
smiled faintly, out of the compliment, hot
Jf3flAiW0W
3HT
S3 00 rES AN
Yattkt SmiaK, y the 8ma+
CotuAn German to the rjfmrTYnj g"
Smath, Senior.
LAMM A» Oka runts t—'Lend «M
ears!' Liaten for *my ssime's snhsF .u.
When the Ureat Arehuect of the U»»t«wp
had created the Heavens and tbe £arth--tE
foal* of the air—and tbe fish of the seoT
both whales and little Cahes when
ascended u the spheres and cnatodthephuMi
eta, satilites, stArs of great and leaser
nitude, and cast to every point of the blua.
arch above—these glittering gems, as a boP
throws flints at a blue bird—vet, flints at fi*
blue bird Yea genttemeo, ist ra at**
ueedinc to remark, upon this iaunova""
rock, planted by nature's own unerring
1
will 1 stand and enveloping mvielf in a
folds of the mantle or eternal troth, i
ninr grim, ghastly defiaaee at the devil
all his cohorts, cry out is tbe language
the immortal bard, 'Lav on McFadgia,
damn'd be he who first crits hould,' be i
But as I was going on to say, this vile oil
world hits gone blind, blind as a bat Fam
Darkness covers the liisiithsu Imssl |mi,ml
gross darkness, thick as tar has ssanfm
the whole human race—except abontuZ
The few remaining rays of light now lela
to ilium nnte tbe philosophies! horisoncp
ow earth, aro now strugglwg up from tbe
skulls of the itinerant, moastacbed, a
headedaranscendental lucturers,on tbe
ithcrcalized sublimated science of I*£
ology and tbe great cause
of trutn eos
to intimate in the most delicatema«HK 1
siblo, (although I say as shouldn't,)
the cranium of your distinguished neaku£
rests, the main responsibility in this cOli
neciion. That is to say, Ladies and Ge#
tlemen, if yoa do not appreciate the Sub£«p
efforts of wj spiriting, free-love, one-i4«m
genius, and patronize me with a dollar ang
naif apiece, then will the old ship of scienA
go under kersoaze and tbe personal phyag'
ognomy of ber distingaished eommaD4m gm
down in'bar.' [Great sensation.
Ladies and Gentlemen:—1 shall proceed
to night to show that Size is the meaeuretp
Power—all other things being equal—el
cept Phrenology, which has no equal. Lm
diss, this is scimee for you! As 1 was eenji.
ing out to-night, 1 heard a lady say to aiK
other, 'tuppote there are no ladiet out eaS*
cept vs shall tee stay'!' Of course was tm|_
reply. Didn't 1 larf at-their spurioas tim|»
dity V Of course 1 did. Ladies, PhreDois^
gy teaches jou to be a free tasMWten jp
tells you that you are Uiu swan-like neck cjjf
society—man being tbe head—and you havin
only to elevate your delieate hand to bin
proboscis, and bj skillful munipalatien, win
your taper finger, yoa can turn this heap
whithersoever you will. The idea of a 1#
dy having gei.tl .man to accompany he*
at night, is superfluous and tvptmumatf
This science elevates yon to tbe svbluMO
moral height of the African 'ladies of color/
who perambulate in ample rounds, at ni
above tbe mists and fogs of couvenlionw
rules of propriety—free as the air-^yiS4^
verily, as freely as I would receive adotia*
and a half from every mother's saa of thfe
tremendous aujenoe. So you see, sltho'g1-"
have diverged a little from tbe main eobiee^
the fact is plain—dear as as mud—that
is the measure of Power.
A lady was telling me one day she woulg^
graduate in three months, she being then s§
sweet sixteen, tbst she only had Geologj)
Perfumery, Ne(k)romancy and Phrenology,
yet to learn, bnyn I, Miss Julia Stohs, stop
•thar!' You couldn't learn this profouna
science of Phrenology, in three years. Man*
years have 1 hunted and dug for skulls Tik»
a hyena, and roamed the forests and prairi^
nntil mv face is haired over like a wolf'4^
and it has only been a short time, sinoe I
:eame the most renowned Philosopher thai
illuminates this western hemisphere, ant
shoots along tho mental sky with the brill*
liancy of the 'comick.'
I was traveling along from Ghi-en-gd-tik
and 'much trouble have I seen since 1 lc*
Chicago''—in company with a lady. Sayv
she, Mr. Smash I have a spiritual predicap
ment that you should not lecture across tkjii
river, at Squashvllle to-night. Something
•orful' is sure to 'turn up.' Says I my dear
Flunkeana Doblw, it is nothing but the ore*
elaboration and superior dewollopment 01
the idea of combustible caustiousness, anS
1 convinced ber this was a fact but aayl)
sbel am afeard to cross the river, but if 1
must I must, so she shut her nres and 'went
in lemons and got sqaoze,' and we come out
on the 'toder side of Jordan,' high and dry.'
From this you discover that there remaiim
not a shadow of a doubt, that in the funda
mental generalities of the human functions
that Size is the measure of Power.
1 find a stupendous amount of ignofMcjk
ia the learned professions—mot who werp
designed to be boot-blacks, and tc. 1 was
riving a Doctor below, a chart of the cere*
bial superfluities, nnd superficial specialities
of the cranial extremity of his physical cor
porosity, when I remarked, Doctor you afp
of the billious temperament. Yes, said h^
I have freauent billious attacks. Wasn't]
dumbfounded by h's display of brutal ignO*
ranee But 1 did not expose him—pit*
prevailed Horrible to think that a phv»{»
cian should not understand ail the attendsjjft
top-loftical, let 'er Sy, sky high jargon anln'
bald-face balderdash of rambling, renegade*
run-mad lectures, on buuipo-eraniologicM
science. 'Stonishing—isn't it 2 As 1 said
before, the world is bliad as a bat—facfl
Why Sir, the billious means a man of boift
and 'siner,' pith and 'marrer,' brain
bowels. To further illustrate tbe teapenv
meats, I should like to introduce your nunh
hie speaker if modesty did not forbid. 'TaljjS
bim for all in all yoa ne'er will see bis lihjt
again.' These temperaments are snperlps
titely blendid eompond of the assmine gafe»
seous and H. B-, or broken baak biilot^k
which enables its happy possessor to soar'
aloft to the regions of etnerial space, feed
on moonshine with annttertble rusto, seitn
onc-ideaism by the tail, and obaae nuto
nit/atuut to hie hole. Hence, yon eee qjp
hearers, that this divine doctrine conco
tinates with all mundaoe things, hamos*
izes with tbe 'speen,' and will shortly, like
Jjab's whale, swallow all other theories aat
their authors.
In conclusion, allow me to observe, that
as to-morrow will be Sunday, I shall nonar
God's holy day, by keeping my room open
all day for the examiaation of" skulls—the
giving of charts—and the exhibition of sush
other parts of the performance as will illus
trate the moral tendency of the science al
so, 1 shall celebrate that sacked evening by
gfving a lecture in wh'ch will be displayed
an amount of the most ineffable anrqganoe,
pretension, self-conceit, and excrutiating
lame attempts at wit. Ergo— I
hightonei
shall expert
a crowded house.
Conclusion number two. As thin is ai*
vertised as a free Lecture, I will thank som
gentlemen to 'pass around the hat,' aa
Phrenology has discovered that a free Lec
ture means 'free to give a quarter or stny
away.' *The whole performance to con
clude' with the manipulation of a cnnple of
skulls. This inimitable after-pioce is just
ly admired. Tho gentlemen being seated, I
proceeded as follows, Brat to measure their
heads with a'whang.' Srscud, with a pair
of tongi. Third, the •neipoUtino. Tfcn
eerebiiu syllogistic hepatic of the ft^st gen.
tleman. mdioate a huge fanetional dewel
opment of the band-organism ot the fluan
tuoeitiee. The cruniuat altitndmatmi at the
posterior aspect to an maense tuberosity,
so us to generate a caput with 'bar' on the
superficial superior periphery, where the
•har ought to 'vegetate.' The collateral
hexagonal diagrams of the cefhelum ap
prosimntee the ox froniit so ckee^y as to
T'other hnod nhent the
1
1- *13
,'b»is *ti t'JM
1
fo
Pnr-
gy HanwUnbha admitted, HtoMitly, In
fore thn jmhlte tnhonsl s4 Unll, Englntl.
that shebadroneted ntnndt, jtonnM
it with the food of hsr fdlow aerrnnt. for
the pnrtaie of htducing him te love Inr—
aH
•i n
imis jM*
Va

xml | txt