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JOB PRINTING KSTABLISHMKKT. Weddin Card. Visiting Cards, BnstMM Cards, Faney Show Cards. Ball Cards, Posters, Handbills, Programmes, Dodgers, Billheads, Statements, Pamphlets, Reoelpta, Letter Headings, Note Heading, Qtrmil Tag Cards, Milk Tlokets7o o Printed la the Neatest Styles and as. tbm Lowest Prloes. MM Western Hots. PUBLXSHXD AT Canaan, IAtchfleld Co., Conn. XTXBT WEDNESDAY MOR2STNQ. 7. BSOXCIi .Editor and Proprietor. Xxxal Nwi Specialty. TXBHK .0O per year. If paid strictly in adYanee. If not paid at the exyiratlon of thro month $3.36 will be charged. Subscriber dealrlngr their paper disco n tinned must g-lTe notice at the kxpikatiom of their subscriptions, any previous notice not being saffloient; and unless all arrearages are paid, papers will not then be disconUn Md sere at the option of the publisher. A.d.virtlsrtng XUrtea Sahedale of prices for Adrertlatag misned on application at wis omoa Simple notloe of Births, Marriage or Daatfc are Inserted free of charge; obituary notteea M oants per line. NO. 19. YOL. XIX. CANAAN, CONN., WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1889. THE INTRODUCING BORE. The bore who doesn't know a thing, But claims to know It all ; The bore who's always chattering About the game of ball ; The bore who sniffs, the bore who laughs At everything one says v. Their boring's nothing to the caira Who's bored me many days. He loves to introduce a man To every one he meets, And Uke a merry rataplan This phrase forever beats : "This is my good friend Mr. Doe : Doe, this is Mr. Green, A man I'm sure you ought to know" He smiling stands between. Up the street, and in the cars, No matter where you be, He'll introduce you ; nothing bars His frenzied courtesy. His batcher, baker, tailorman And men he never knew. And men you know, aye, If he can, He'll introduce to you. Some day he'll die, and when he goes To sheofs torrid shore, HeU find a special fire flows For every kind of bore. And then he'll hear Old Nick himself Sing out with ghoulish glee : "You needn't introduce yourself, You've long been known to me P H. J. A STRANGE ADVENTURE. I was acting as shipping clerk in the office of the Liverpool and Calcutta Steamship line at Cape Town, and among the helpers in the big ware house were two or three fellows who were called "Half-Hots." They were a mixture of white and black, but not mulattoes. The color was more like that of the Chineman, and their ver nacular was a queer mixture of Eng lish and Dutch. These fellows were as servile as slaves to one's face, but as revengeful as fiends behind his back. The old clerk had been in fear of them and had put up with their faults, but I walked them around pretty lively from the first day, and at the end of the first month had plenty of cause to discharge them. I had the power to hire and discharge my own help, having at times as many as twenty-five men in the sheds, and so nothing was said about these three going away. They made no protest to me, but a Boer who as acting as my assistant warned me that I had best look out for myself for the next few weeks, as he had overheard them threatening vengeance. ; Two days after the discharge of the men an English ship, which had been around to the east coast and up the Bay of Bengal collecting wild animals for the Royal Museum at London, put into Cape Town in distress. She was leaking so badly that she had to go in' to dry dock, and she had to be lightered of almost everything before she could pass over the gate sill of the only dock at her disposal. Tne animals were stored in one end of our big ware house, which was a " building 200 feet long by 100 feet wide. There was one big African elephant and two medium sized ones from India, together with two male lions, three tigers, four or five hyenas, several wolves, a couple of bears, half a dozen snakes, a couple of panthers, and a large number of monkeys. All but the elephants were in cages, and these were placed in a row at one end of the building, and the elephants far enough away so that they could not reach the cages or each other. They seemed peacefully in clined, although strangers to each other, and the beasts and serpents had been so shaken up at sea that they were glad to secure rest and sleep. It was in summer and the weather was very hot. The warehouse was only one story high, built of brick, and the many windows in it were doubly guarded to keep out robbers. Stout iron bars ran up and down, and out side of them were heavy wire screens. This enabled us to leave all windows raised day and night and keep the building ventilated. In the centre of the building was a cupola, furnishing further light and ventilation, and at the east end a little room had been partitioned off for my office. This room contained a sleeping bunk and a hammock, and I slept here and took my meals at a hotel. There was no - watchman inside the house, but one was stationed on the wharf outside At midnight of the night of which I am now going to write there was a full moon, and the interior of the biff warehouse was almost as light as day. I had been asleep for an hour and a half, when I was suddenly awakened by a trumpet blast from the big ele phant. He was chained by one foot to a ring bolt in the floor, and stood broadside to one of the windows and about ten feet away. He trumpeted as if highly angered, and as I dropped out of the hammock I heard him tug ging to break his chain. On that side of my office was a large window, and I naa no neea to open tne door to see what was going on. I saw the big fellow tugging and straining, and he made the building shake with his trumpeting. I don't think I had been ' on my feet half a minute when his chain snapped and ne was tree, and then it struck me that the situation was - an unpleasant one. My office was opposite one of the big doors of the warehouse, but ninety feet away. To reach it I must cross the building. My first idea was to go for help to secure the elephant, but he had scarcely broken loose when pande monium reigned supreme. The other elephants began to trumpet and to strain at their chains, and every wild beast set up an outcry. The big fel low came straight to my end of the warehouse, swinging his trunk right and left, and within ten feet of my door he began work on fifty sacks of corn corded up in a row. He picked up the sacks, one after another, and flung them about, and he grew more angry with each effort. He wasn't through with the sacks when the smaller elephants broke loose, and then I knew what I must prepare for. The watchman outside had caught the alarm, and he came to the nearest win dow and shouted to me. I dared not answer him, as the elephant was close by, and I was fearful that the sound of my voice would cause him to at tack my frail shelter. Having tossed the last sack high in air, the big fellow made a rush down the warehouse for the smaller ones, who were trumpeting at each other and preparing for a row. He knocked one of them over with his rush, and then pursued the other as he fled among the piles of freight. "We had been pretty well cleaned out by the last ship, but we had considerable machinery, 200 barrels of salt, 800 bags of sugar, 500 barrels of flour, about a thousand American smoked hams, with perhaps fifty boxes, large and small, containing dry goods, gro ceries, boots and shoes, and other stuff. "When the small elephant who was knocked down went over he smashed the lion's cage, and I plainly saw both of them leap over him and spring up on the cage holding the monkeys. Such a growling and snarling and howling nd roaring no one ever heard before, and the rumpus drew the at tention of the elephants directly to the cages. Dropping their own differ ences for the moment, they dove at the cages, and in two minutes the en tire collection, except one wolf, killed in his cage, was let loose and flying ' around the big room. By this time the watchman had aroused a number of people, but they dared not open the door. I stood no show to reach the door and let my self out, and at once decided that my safest plan was to keep quiet. I was in the darkest corner of the building, and unless one of the elephants took it into his head to investigate I might hope to escape injury. My room was not as high as the celling of the ware house, but only about nine feet, and the too of it was ceiled over. This made a platform about 9x14, and knew that some of the animals would seek this shelter if driven that way. All did fly to my end of the building as they got out of their cages, and the verv first move made by one of the panthers was to leap upon the plat form. The other was seized by one of the tigers right before my door, and the fight lasted until the elephant came to investigate. Then for about five minutes every' thing was as quiet as you please. The animals seemed to be sizing each other up, and taking in the situation. could hear the people out6ide moving about and talking- in exciting tones, but when they hailed me I dared not reply, for the big elephant stood with in four feet or my window, and was growing restless for further destruc tion. The lions stood side by side on the barrels of flour, which were piled up about eight feet high, while the tigers were further down on the other side and well on top the bags of sugar One panther was above me, as I have said, while the other had skulked among the machinery. The wolves could not see, but a big serpent was over by the doors, and the monkey were aloft among the rafters. One of the bears was crowded into a corner evidently wishing to keep out of the row, while the other I could not see The hyenas had been skulking among the hams, and what started the row anew was one of them trotting down wide aisle toward my office to find safer shelter. The patter of his feet aroused the big elephant and he made a break for the lions who were waving their tails and defying him to come on. He hit the pile of flour bar rels about in the centre, and knocked a lot of them downj but before he had reached them both lions leaped to his back, and from thence to the floor be hind him. This was the signal for a terrible battle, a sort of free-for-all fight. I could see the entire length of an aisle thirty feet wide, and it was in this aisle that the lions, tigers, hy enas and wolves fell upon each other with such ferocity that my hair stood on end, and the scores of people now at the windows fell back in terror. While the wild beasts were having it out, the two smaller elephants began a row, and the big fellow came swing ing up the aisle in which the hams were scattered in search of something to vent his spite on. I drew back from the window afraid he would see me through the glass. He reached out his trunk and felt all over the glass, which was a new substance to him, and he might have pulled the roof down over my head had not the panther above me betrayed his presence by a growl. He had better have kept quiet. The ele phant uttered a shrill cry and reached for him, and although the panther bit and tore at the trunk feeling for him, he was seized, held aloft for a moment, and then dashed to the floor with Buch force as to break every bone in his body. If ever a man was scared out of his boots by an adventure, he was no more alarmed than I was as that elephant went swinging down one aisle and up another, clearing everything before him. He knocked the other two down among the flour barrels, and then pur their fiffht and fled before him. He picked up ham after ham and flung them the length of the building, and a large, cogwheel belonging to an engine was flung against my bulkhead with such force as to shatter four of the boards. From the time the second row began to its close was thirty-five minutes, and all the time each beast and animal was uttering his own peculiar war cry. The row was brought to a close in a peculiar man ner. The Dears had Kept clear ot tne fight as long as possible, but when finally forced into it both tackled the big elephant as the party responsible for the situation. As they did so he rushed full tilt at one of the big doors, and carried it out with him, and took himself up the wharf to the main street with one of the bears fastened to a hind leg. Such of the wild beasts as were not too badly injured at once broke for the door. One of the tigers and both of the panthers were dead in the ware house. The other tigers escaped through the town and were killed miles away a day or two subsequently. One of the lions was dead, and the other, instead of bolting up the street as he went out, ran along the wharf and eaped aboard a coasting schooner a hundred yards away. One of the hatches was open, and he leaped down, and next day was shot in his hiding place. Two of the five hyenas got out alive, and were killed next day while secreted under a barn. Not a wolf was left alive, but the monkeys and serpents had climed aloft by the sup ports, and kept themselves out of the row. Of the two small elephants one had a leg broken and the other had been so severely injured internally that he died before morning. The big one, togeth er with the two bears, kept right on through the town, and beyond, where they separated. The bears were shot by the men who went in pursuit, while the elephant was captured and brought back, so generally knocked out that he was three months getting over it. It was six months after the adven ture before we learned what brought it about. Then we ascertained that one of the discharged "Half Hots" took this way to be revenged on me and the company. Standing at the window opposite the big elephant he had used a hollow reed to blow little darts at him, and one of these had struck the monster in the right eye and made him furious. The warehouse was a sight to behold the next morning. Over 300 barrels or Hour had been smashed, the sugar was scattered from end to end, dry goods and groceries littered the floor, and the corn could never be separated from the sugar. The hams were about the only things saved, and these had been tossed to every point of the com pass. The all-around damage was esti mated at $100,000, and the man re sponsible for it died before he could be brought to trial. Made 'em Giggle. There is at least one woman in North Berwick, Me., who wastes no time admiring herself in front ot a looking-glass, and she proved it last Sunday by attending church and Sab bath school with her bonnet adorned with half a dozen cards which a mas' culine sinner had tucked in among the trimmings a day or two before, prob ably supposing she would see them when she put on her headgear, but the good woman's mind was on Sunday-school lessons, not bonnets, when she dressed for church, and so the Sunday-school got a chance to giggle. Bob's Discovery. Young Hopeful Papa, you said if Pd read the obituaries of great men in the paper every day for a year you'd give me a gold watch. Well, I did, and the year is up. Fond Father Very well, Bob, but I said you must read intelligently and draw a lesson from the lives of those who have won fame and fortune. Now, what have you most particularly observed in your reading? Y. II. I noticed that nearly all the great men fitted themselves for one thing, and then got rich or famous at Bomething else. Christian Charity. Clerk Lady out there with a flashy paste necklace wants to know if it's pure diamond or not. Jeweller Look like a married woman? "Yea." "Tell her it is. No use makin' trouble for poor husbands these hard times." New York Weekly. MONKS OF ST. BRUNO. VISIT TO THE FAMOUS AST Alt Y. MON- How the Hospitable Brethren Work, "Worship and Live. Did you ever notice what a pleasant effect a little, glass of "aid to diges tion" liquor has on a man after a good dinner, and for that matter on a woman also? says Henry Haynie in a Paris letter to the Pittsburg 'Dispatch. On such occasions . one may safely drink ' 'petit verre" of fine brandy, kummel. benedictine, or chartreuse. A uuie chartreuse, yeiiow or green, ac cording to taste jaune is the best is just the thing, and with that inside your stomach you'll feel as if all your debts were paid, and you had nothing in the world to worry about. At the foot of "a mountain quite 4,000 feet high, and on which the monks of Grande Chartreuse live, is where a few holy fathers of that order superintend the fabrication of this famous liquor. It is not an easy thing though to obtain admittance to the manufactory, and there are placards stuck up in public places to the effect that "strangers are not admitted to visit the establishment, except by special permission from the reverend father general." All the glories of a setting sun were on the mountain sides, and the distant trees and ravines were tinged in golden colors when I reached the Grande Chartreuse. The door was opened by a brother, from whom I asked hospi- talitv. He bade me enter, and I was soon within a house where no woman, with the exception of crowned heads, has ever penetrated. My guide led me across a large courtyard, in the centre of which two streams descend from the mountain, making night and dav a mournful sound to the common hall, where pious engravings and car riage notices were stuck on the wall plentifully. People were eating, and an old, bearded brother was at a desk ready to receive orders for food and drink, liquor, rosaries and photo graphs. Apart from its cloister the interior of the Grande Chartreuse is nothing much, but the cloister, some 660 feet long, and lighted by 110 windows, has indeed an imposing aspect. The chapel is small and quite devoid of works of art; it is divided into two parts, one destined for those of the Chartreux, who are priests, the other for the laical brothers. The hall of the chapter house, in which are rows of wooden benches and portraits of general fathers painted on the ceiling, has no interest for the profane. Here each year in the first week of May the priors of all the houses of the Chartreux meet to occupy themselves with spiritual affairs connected with their institutions. In the little ceme tery are graves each surmounted with a stone, on which is engraved the name of the defunct, and beneath these stones sleep those who have been at the head of the establishment. On the other side are simple wooden crosses without inscriptions, and these mark the last resting place of the Chartreux The library, which possesses 25,000 volumnes, is the only part of the in stitution where there is any evidence of luxury. In it I saw silent phan toms carrying, replacing, seeking doc umentary volumnes, books big and little. The refectory is a beautiful arched room ; a table at the end is re served for the prior of the house; the other monks occupying tables in rank of priority. The forks, spoons, egg cups and plates are all made of wood, but the little vessels for wine and water are or earthenware. JNot a word, is spoken during the meal, but a brother chants the lessons for the morning they only take their repast in common on Sundays and on certain fete days. Grande Chartreuse monks do not live in cells, but each inmate has his own little house. Near the door is a little wicket gate through which the monk receives his food, which is always without meat, and visitors have like wise to conform to this regulation Should the brother require aught else he writes down his needs and leaves the paper at the wicket, and presently he finds at the same place what he had asked for. There is a gallery which in Winter months is a promenade ground, but a little garden in front of each house serves for exer cise in Summer time. On the ground floor I saw a brother working at a woodpile, and above was his bedroom. It had a sort of cupboard bed, a coarse mattress and bolster, cotton sheets and woollen cov erlid. Facing the bed was an oratory ; on one side a little niche with earthen ware basin and a piece of soap ; the floor was stone and the walls white washed. On the wall hung a mountain staff, for once a week the monks eniov a walk in common up the mountain side ; then they talk to their hearts' content and make the mountain echo with their laughter. A little workroom furnished with a table, two wheels in white deal wood and a rush-bottom chair com pleted this monk's lodgings, and they are all alike, though here and there, by way of ornament, may be seen images of saints, a crucifix and a rosary. The descendants of St. Bruno pride themselves on their rigorous fidelity to Carthusian customs. Although the or der is more than 800 years old, not a shade of change or reform has ever been made, and not only have they not relaxed in their vigilance, but, stran ger still, they have obstinately resisted all modifications that Popes have ! wished to introduce. SOLD AGAIN. How Some Boys Fooled an Old. Buffalo Resident. A number of boys just about the age when boys feel the most mischievous, says the Buffalo Express, got a piece of gaspipe, filled it with sand, and plugged it at the ends, leaving room for a piece of string to hang out. Alter this was done the gaspipe pre sented a very formidable appearance, and that night the boys placed it at the door of a resident in their neighbor hood. All in the house had gone to bed, and it was left undisturbed till morning. The lord of the house was the first to discover it, and, after he recovered from the shock it caused him, he began to cautiously examine it. Arter awniie he went back in the yard, first warning his wife and lighter not to go near the "bomb,'' as he called it. Presently he : returned carrying the clothesline, on one end of which he made a slip-noose. He advanced to ward the cause of all the trouble and carefully slipped the noose over it and drew it taut. Then telling his wife and daughter to go down to the corner he retreated to the back of the yard, and climbing over the fence he shut his eyes and gave the rope a sudden jerk. This was all the young scape graces, who were watching him from a distance, were able to stand, and when the poor man, who had suffered an awful strain on his nerves, pulled himself up till his nose rested on the top of the fence that he might see the result of his desperate effort an explo sion of laughter far louder than he had expected from the bomb greeted him, and there isn't a boy in the neighborhood who will go by that house now. A JOB LOT. Two gunners near Williamsport found a snow-white squirrel. An Ohio peddler claims to have cleared $3,000 out of his summer's work. - Mapleton, Me., points with pride to a local lour-and-a-hair-pound Irish potato. A stranger at an Akron hotel got up in his sleep and threw his watch out of the window. Hammered gold rings, with a dia mond or ruby, are the latest style in men's finger rings in London. A hunter near Wheeling claims to have shot eight squirrels on the same tree in less than ten minutes. The successful Stuart Exhibition held in London in the early part of the year is to be followed by a Tudor Exhibition. J. B. Green, of Mosherville, Mich., captured an eel in his mill flume which weighed six and one-half pounds and was forty inches long. At Corry, Pa., when the free de livery of mails went into operation there were 600 applications for the four positions of letter carrires. Farmer Martin, of Mahoning County, Uhio, gave an old pair of pants to a tramp, forgetting to remove $18 and valuable notes from the pockets. I'oiisn itoman uatnoiic soldiers in the Russian army complain that var ious underhand means are taken to induce them to receive the ministra tions of the Greek priests. ihe country having the largest pro portion of cultivated land is Denmark, Russia having the smallest. The United Kingdom has 29 per cent, of land tilled, against 71 untilled. . Mrs. Cynthia McPheeters, living near Greencastle, Ind., is ninety years old. On her last birthday she enter tained a party of friends and baked the cake that formed a portion of the repast. Frederick Livingston, aged eighty eight years, and the oldest man in Peterboro, N. H., is president of the First National Bank in that town, and is found daily at his post of duty. We Are All Liable to be Misunderstood. A young man walking ang Main street, started into a saloon. He went as far as the door, stopped, hesitated, and then turning, walked away. A religious exhorter, noticing his action, hastened after him, and placing his hand on the young man's shoulder be- gan to praise his moral courage, etc "O, that isn't it," said the youth, "but you see he doesn't keep as good beer as Billy does," and he stepped in to another resort, leaving the horrified dominie with a text for his Sundav sermon. CONFEDERATE MONEY IN GREAT DEMAND BY PEOPIjK EXPECTING ROAD AGENTS. One Way To Beat the Western Highway Bobber. "How much do you want for them?", "Assorted denominations, 76 cents per thousand; special issues, $1 to $1.50 per thousand. "Well, make me up three packages of $1000 each, assorted denominations. Got any old State banks?" "Yes ; what kind would you want?" "Oh, I'm not particular. If you've got any with a greasy look or a shade of green about them they'll do. I would want about five hundred 'fives or tens.' This conversation took place in Broad street a day or two ago, and was over heard, unwittingly, of course, by a reporter for the Charleston Sunday News. The purchaser stood in front of a broker's office, in the window of which was displayed an enticing assortment of gold dollars and sovereigns, silver dollars, Mexican and American, copper coins, gilt-edged certificates of stock, State bonds, county bonds and other securities, and a large bundle of Con federate bills. Ab may be inferred, the inquiries were directed to the Confederate bills, for which, as strange as it may seem, there is quite a market in Charleston, and probably in other cities at this time. Having given his order, the inquirer, preceded by the broker, entered the office, while the reporter glued his face to the glass and watched the further proceedings. These were brief. The broker seized three packages of Confederate bills of the denomina tions ranging from $1 up to $100. He next picked up a bundle of greasy looking bank bills, some with an ap pearance of green on their backs ; wedged each package of the Confede rate (pink and blue) bills between half a dozen or more of the old bills, deft ly pinned a border around them and handed the three packages to the stranger, who slipped them into hie inside pocket, paid the broker $3.75 and strolled down the street. Then the reporter entered the broker's office and requested the privi lege of an interview. "What did that man buy?" he asked. "Confederate bills and old State bank notes," was the reply, which was to the point and satisfactory enough as far as it went, only it did not go quite far enough. 'Why should a Northern traveller- ior tne purchaser was evidently a Northern man buy Confederate bills and old State bank bills?" The broker, who like all Broad-street brokers, is a pleasant gentleman and always approachable to the reporter, explained: "Within the last three or four months," he said, "there has been a rather brisk demand for Confederate notes and old bank bills. I have had to fill several orders for them from the North and West, and I was myself rather curious to account for the demand. "A correspondent in New York, to whom I shipped about $10,000 of old State bank bills and $500,000 of Con federate bills, wrote to me in reply to my inquiries that they were wanted mostly by travellers. "He said that the practice of 'hold- ing up trains' and robbing the passen gers bad become so prevalent that men nowadays who had much travelling to do, and who are compelled to carry money with them, are providing them selves with green goods as a decoy to the railroad agent. He says they make up packages of Confederate bills, with old State bank bills on the outside, and carry these in their pockets, stowing away their money in their sachels or hiding it under the seat. "The railroad agent is generally in a hurry when going through a train, and as the passenger throws up his hands the agent grabs the big fat pocketbook with the roll of Confeder ate bills in it and hurries along to the next passenger without stopping to ex amine the pocketbook. "My correspondent tells me," con tinued the Broad street broker in his own peculiarly mild way, "that the thing has been tried and that it worked successfully. In fact he gave me the name of a friend who had pro vided himself with one of these dummy pocketbooks, and who was on a train that had been held up out West some where. "The man had over $5,000 packed away in his socks, and a roll of old Confederate and State bank bills in his inside vest pocket. The 'agent' swal lowed the bait and went off with the dummy roll. "Anyhow, there is now quite a brisk demand for Confederate notes and old bank bills, and nobody, except the road agents, will object to that, I'm sure." A citizen of Wellsville, Ohio, now seventy-four years old, boasts that he has never paid a cent to a lawyer, doc tor or minister. He Had His Revenge. "Ha ! You refuse me, do you, Miss Hamtagg?" The man who asked this question had passed the first flush of youth. He was no longer, properly speaking, a young man. Yet he was well pre served. He had not reached the age at which it seemed expedient for him to part his hair above his ear and plas- ter a thin layer thereof over the top of his head. He had thrown aside the walking-stick of young manhood, but had not assumed tho cane of middle age. It is well to speak of these facts, for they are necessary to the full un derstanding of this painful history. Moreover, they cost nothing extra. "I do, Mr. McStab," said the young lady, coldly. . "Then listen to me, Rachel Flicker- gy Hamtagg!" he hissed. "I swear you shall bitterly repent it I" Wild whistled the bleak wind. Dis mally moaned the huge elm tree that rasped and scratched itself against the cruel edges of the shingles on the cornice. Shrilly shrieked the weather ock on the barn roof for a drop of oil, and grewsomely groaned Alger non FitzThQmpson McStab as he stole forth in the dead of night, made his way cautiously by a circuitous route to the ancestral smokehouse in the back yard and went inside. "I'll show her!" he muttered be tween his teeth. rom beneath his coat he drew a compact bundle of letters, cut the string that bound them together, struck a match, made a bonfire of the collec tion, and watched them slowly con sume to ashes, while the crazy building shook as if with indignation and the wind sighed hoarsely, like one in sym pathy with the wretched, but wrath ful man. He was burning the letters he had written in happier days to Rachael Hamtagg. She had returned them to him scornfully. "This is so sudden," said the widow, blushingly, and so unexpected. I I thought your visits to our house were for the purpose of seeing my daugh ter." "She is too young," replied the visitor decidedly. "I told her so last evening. We parted in a friendly spirit, but I gave her to understand as delicately as I could that I should not call to see her any more. This is sud den, it is true, but I trust none the less agreeable on that account. May I not venture to hope?" "Why, sir, I " "And now, my dear," he said, at the expiration of a happy half hour, as he gently lifted her head from his shoulder, "I should like to see your or perhaps I ought to say our- daughter, to tell her of this happy event." "Shall I call her?" "If you please, my dear." "Rachael," said Algernon Fitz- Thompson McStab, pleasantly, "you will be glad to know, I dare say, that I am to be your father. That is all we wished to say to her, was it not, my love? You may go, Rachael. Please close the door, my child, as you go out. Sat Upon. The Young Woman (on top plat- form of Eiffel tower) Doesn't it seem strange to you, fepoonamore, that so little oscillation is noticeable up here ? The Young Man (eagerly) Not at all, Miss Ethel. I have no doubt there is a great deal of it indulged in up here, but it can't be seen from below. The elevation is too great. And now, Miss Jiithel, you will 1 am sure you will pardon The Young Woman (arresting his forward movement by a freezing look) I said oscillation, Mr. Spoonamore, not osculation. (After a depressing silence). I think, Mr. Spoonamore, it is time for us to descend. Chicago Tribune. Helped Himself. A few days ago a large hog belong- while the family were all out of the house, went into the house, and after climbing upon a feather bed proceeded to tear the bed and clothing into doll rags. His hogship thought he had found a beautiful play house, and in his delight and playfulness tore things up generally. When the inmates of the house came in the floors were liter ally covered with feathers, and the festive brute ran from the house look ing more like one of the feathered tribe than a fat porker. Cats and Snakes. A. WinipauK, Uonn., cat owner one day not long ago heard shrieks from his wife and a lady guest in the parlor of his house and got a pitchfork. In the middle of the parlor floor, with her kittens about her, sat the family cat, and in front of her on the carpet was a lively green snake. The ladies were on the piano, screaming, while the kittens, with arched backs and bristling fur, betrayed a terror second only to that of the occupants of the piano. The cat was trying to convince her family that the snake was worth trying for a banquet. The householder set his heel on the reptile. YK COLLEGE GRADUATE. He can give the laws of Solon, lie can draw the flag of Colon, lie can write a Babylonian I O U; He can make a writ In German, He can draft a Turkish firman ; But the English common law he never knew. He can write his thoughts In Spanish, He can make a speech in Danish, And recite such Sanscrit as would turn your brain; The Muallakat Arabic He can scan In feet syllabic ; But he couldn't tell old Shakespeare from Mark Twain. He can fathom all the mystery Of old Ethioplc history ; He can name one thousand Norse kings more or less ; He can mark the Roman bound'ries, And describe the Aztec foundries ; But has never seen the "Statutes of U. S." He can trace the radius vector, . With a geometric sector, And can give the moon's diameter In feet; He can analyze the arum, Classify the Coptic carum But be cannot tell a cabbage from a beet. "W. A. Buxton. WIT AND HUMOR. Miss Belle (warningly) Sally, they used to tell me when I was a little girl that if I didn't let coffee alone it would make me foolish. Sally (who owes her one) Well, why didn't you? Life. A Dartmouth graduate has written a work on "The Probable Cause of Gla elation." We didn't suppose that was a matter of dispute. If it wasn't cold weather, what could it be? Lowell Courier. . . "Now, really, what was the most astonishing thing you saw in Paris, Mr. Spicer?" asked Miss Gusher, and without a moment's hesitation Seth answered, "My hotel bill." Boston Bulletin. Charges of plagiarism still continue. It is now hinted that the successful and hitherto unsuspected farmers crib the stores of their corn magazines from nature's cereals. Baltimore American. Charming widow "And what are you doing nowadays?" He "Oh, amusing myself; looking out for number one. And you?" Charming widow "Looking out for number two." Life. Miss Minor (after the concert) "Fraulein Sprawler plays with a great deal of expression, but what do you think of her technique?" Miss Green ing "I didn't notice that she wore one." America. New nurse, rocking the crib, sings: "Sleep, little one sleep." Voice from the crib: "Now, Paula, you might as well understand at first that I don't want to hear any of those old things.- Fliegende Blatter. A Philadelphia base ball player has been given a gold watch for stealing bases, and another Philadelphian has been given two years for stealing seven dollars. Is justice a failure? Norristown Herald. A Michigan fruit grower has a peach that measures eleven inches in circum ference, but as he doesn't show any disposition to pass it around, it isn't likely to do the Somerville people any good. Somerville Journal. Temperance Woman "My friend, if you don't want whisky to get the best of you, you must get the best of whisky." Promising subject "I do, mum, when I can only got a nickel - ; but when a feller's -"Puck. Masherby "They tell me, Miss Lacey, that you will dance with no body. Now, can't I prevail upon you to take the next waltz with me?" Miss Lacey "Why, certainly, I'm a woman of my word, you know." Grip. Mamma "And how did my darling like being at church?" Maud (who had been at church for the first time, and put a penny in the collection plate) "Very much, mamma, and it wasn't dear ! " Philadelphia Press. ; Gratitude. Mr. Brown (to stranger who has saved him from drowning) "My dear, good friend, I'll never for get you as long as I live ! Come up to my store and get some nice, clean, dry clothes ; I'll let you have them as cheap as anybody." Epoch. A Birmingham man has patented an umbrella that is transparent. What he needs to do now is patent a borrower of umbrellas whom the owner can see through before lending. This would save many an umbrella to the unsus pecting lender. New York Commer cial Advertiser. Family physician Nothing will do your daughter any good unless she controls her appetite for sweets' and rich dishes. She must live on the plainest food, and very little of it, for months. Mother Very well, I'll send her to the boarding school I used to attend. New York Weekly. "Why do you doubt my word, Clara, when I tell you that I have eyeB for no other woman but yourself I Why cannot you trust me?" "George," replied the damsel, and her voice was serious even to gravity, "George, you know how I abominate all trusts and ( combines. Leave me." Boston Transcript.