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V v I: Doings of Squan Creek Folk Jap Jokm Relates Bow Atwl Small Got At the last annual election of the liiars' Club of Squan Creek, Abel Small was elected president by an overwhelm ing majority, and It is quite likely he , -rill hold the position for two or three 'terms. Three years ago Abel was con sidered small fish as a liar. He lied a lie occasionally about clams and lob sters, but never had anything to say at the meeting of the club. He improved as time went on, but was still way eiown to the foot of the class when .Providence seemed to step in to give .'bim a boost. That is, his wife burst out trying one evening and explained that kll the neighbors looked down on her on Jiis account. He was such an every dar, one-horse liar that she had no so cial standing. As he tried to console ier she said: "If I was you, I'd be either at the head r move out of town. I've stood it as long as I can, and if you don't do some thing I'll commit suicide." "I'll do somethin'," replied Abel, miter thinking the matter over. "I've teen goin' Blow and gettin' the hang o' "things, but I'll do somethin' in the next "two weeks to put you up in society or break my neck tryin'." Abel had never displayed much am bition, and his wife was only half comforted, but he went right on plan ning to surprise her and other folks. .Be went out in his boat after clams the next day and did not return. He landed on the beach far away and made for Philadelphia, and when he reached home In the night a week later lie had a wonderful story to tell. He aid he was tonging for clams with his .anchor out when a whale swallowed the anchor and towed him out to sra ior a couple of hundred miles. All he HE STUCK TO IT. i ' lad to eatiuid drink for seven days r'-waiaur 'clams and half a bottle' of oough-sirup, and be met with pirates .and sharks and hurricanes without number. It was a sieek, slick lie, and o well told that some folks almost be . lieved it. Abel's wife knew just where , he had been, but she patted him on the liack and said: "At Inst you are doing somethin' to Jbelp this family along. Keep right on tell in' that story, and don't take off a -single shark or pirate if you die for 1 It." t Henry Sehemerborn, John Tobias -and Deacon Spooner got after Abel and tried to pick flaws in his story and nmke him own up, but they couldn't s budge hiin. They sniffed at the whale, niiule fun pf the pirates anil proved by the weather reports that there hadn't -even been a gale while he was pone, 'but he shut his jaw firmly and replied: "Gentlemen, you may believe me or not, but it all happened just ns I say. I'm sure the whale was ten feet longer than my figures." About ten days after Abel got home be was taken down with typhoid fever, and when the doctor said it was a very serious case, the sick man told his wife thajt he had better own up that the .Story was a lie. He didn't want to die with no such whopper charged against fciin. "Abel, don't you do it," she advised. '"You are a sick nan and are goin' to be sicker, but you must take chances of dyin'. You must do it for the sake ,-of me and the children. The lie ns it. stands is the slickest ever told in -fiquun Creek, and women who used to pass me with their noses up now holler -over the back fence and want to lend me their washboards. Hang on, Abel, "till you are struck with death." He said he would, and he meant it. After two or three nights he had to Ssuve watchers, and they laid their bands on his fevered brow and told him be was nearing the grave, and advised bim to unburden his conscience. He owned up to having lied about seeing a lobster with wings and a clam with feet, but he wouldn't go any further. 1 Even in his delirious moments he would cry out: "Ha! ha! thou bloody pirate, but sneer off or I will give you a broadside which will send you to the bottom he- fore you can call upon Heaven for mercy!" One day the doctor announced that .Abel had less than 24 hours to live, k and the dying man asked his wife if be hadn't better own up to the lie. Sh? turned up the sheet to look at his toe sails and advised him to hold on. The sails hadn't turned blue yet, and there " ' whb one chance in a thousand that he might pull through. The preacher came in presently to ask Abel if he was prepared for the great change .about to take pluce, and added: "You know thnt it is written that no "liar can inherit the kingdom of Heaven?" "Yes, I know," replied the dying t nan, "but I can't be burred out on that account. I stole a dozen eggs once in . aiy boyhood days, and mebhe that will ' be hvlii itp agin me, but as for lyin', the revordin' angel won't have nothin' .-an down." "But about the whale and pirate story?" asked the good man with a sad shake of the head. "That was ull true to the last word. I don't think I got the wind blowin' Aalf si hard as it really did, and X to B It Uu Head of th. Llara CUu know I underestimated the number of pirates by at least 50." The preacher wrassled with him for an hour, but Abel was firm. Instead of taking anything off the story he kept adding to it, and the good man finally left in despair. Abel began to weaken soon after that and wish he had owned up, but his wife looked at his toe-nails again and said: "There isn't a mite of blue to be seen about 'em, and I don't believe you are goin' to die after all. Jest hang to your story like a dog to a root." Well, Abel hung between life and death for two days, and then began to improve, and at the end of four dnys the doctor said he would get well. In ten days he was out of danger, and no body knew what to think about it. Some said that he had been saved to give him time to repent, and others that he must have been telling the truth about the whale and the pirates, but he was lifted right up on the pin nacle of greatness. Deacon Spooner headed a subscription and raised $30 for him, and the aristocracy called on Mrs. Small in such numbers that she couldn't get the Monday washing out until Friday. Abel was hardly fit to be out when the annual election of the Mars' club enme around, and six of the most prominent men in town es corted him down to the hall. There was but one sentiment, and that was voiced by William Shrincr as he rose up and said: "It will be no surprise when I say that we have among us a liar of whom we ought to be proud as a community. We are all liars, but, we cannot equal him. There isn't another man among ua who wouldn't have crawfished when he found death staring him in the face. Ananias wasn't slow, but he wasn't Vnee-high to the man I now present you as the next president of our club." CHARLES B. LEWIS. II 15 WAS NO IIKItO. "I can't see how they make so much romance out of this railroad business," said the engineer, as he threw aside his newspaper. "Here is the ease of the swept-away bridge over Wolf creek, and they have got it that I saved the train and am a hero. 1 could have told 'em how it was if they had come to me. We were driving uhead at full speed when 1 says to the fireman: "'George, what d'ye think about the creek.'" " 'I think it's bank-full and runnin' oter,' says he. . " 'How about the bridge?' "'I think it's gone, don't you?' " 'Yes.' " Then you'd better stop at the post and let me go ahead and see.' "And I stopped and he went ahead," explained the engineer, "and pretty soon he comes back and says: " 'Jim, she's gone.' " Then we can't go on?' " 'Xot unless a locomotive can swim!' "That was the way of it and all there was to it, and 1 can't figure out how 1 saved 200 lives and deserve a gold medal. When I backed up to tlinrlas town to telegraph the news and wait for a wrecking train the division super intendent couldn't see the romance, either. '"What's the bloody row?' lie says, us be comes out. " 'Ilriilge gone.' " 'And why didn't you run your train into the creek?' " 'My fireman didn't want to g'-t wet.' " 'Humph! Ilounee him for blocking the road, and don't you make another such mistake unless you want a year's vacation!' " It Won Ilerlineil. "We shall have to decline the Geezers' invitation to their card par ty," wheezed Mrs. Guzzam. "That's odd," replied Mr. Gazznm. "You enjoy playing so thoroughly." "Hut 1 shouldn't enjoy it to-morrow-night, for I'm so hoarse I can't speak above a whisper." Detroit Free I'ress. lie Got Out of It. Hewitt 1 don't believe in puttingoff until to-morrow what ypu can do to day. Jewett ray me that five dollars then. Hewitt The rule doesn't apply; that's something I can't do to-day. Town Topics. Inwrlcoine Realisation. "I Invited Puss Pilkington to go with me to henr one of the song recitals and she refused point blank." "Don't you know why? She was sing ing 'What Is Home Without a Mother' a few nights ago and her fat her came in and told her he had just married the cook." Cleveland Plain Dealer. Corporation KIndneaa. "Henry, can't you remonstrate about those two telephone poles on our side wnlk?" "Gracious! no, Ellen. I'm just draft ing a vote of thanks to the company for nut planting them in our fruut yard." Detroit Free Press. i M'niiflh's fiini THE BICYCLERS DID IT. . "Why am I out of a job?" repeated the motornian with a catch In his voice and a nervous look around. "Well that's dead easy of explanation. I got the bounce from headquarters, and I don't imagine I shall ever turn on th. current again. If I was offered mj place back to-morrow I'd hold it ove for awhile." "Have too many "collisions?" wai askeu. "It was the bicycle folks who brought about my downfall," he sorrowfully re plied. "But for them I'd be on the froTt platform right now and feeling as chipper as you please. The climax had been slowly coming for two years, and I'm glad it's over. I got along all right with all the teams and all the pedes terians, but the bicyclers were my bane, as they are the bane of every other motorman. They kept at me till 'my nerve petered out and I could no longer make time on a car. Lord! but how I have suffered!" Being asked how many bicyclers he had run down, he mopped his face with his handkerchief and replied: "I have never touched one, and that's the singular part of it. It was the dozen close shaves a day for every day in the week, without about 20 on Sun days. I believe I have come within an inch of running down about SO riders, and 500 times I have had my heart jump Into my throat and almost suffo cate me. You see, the average bicycler, w hether man, woman, boy or girl, don't give a flip for anything on wheels. They'll take chances to freeze your blood and depend upon luck to get through. I've been humping my car along at 12 miles an hour, and had 20 riders come whirlingout of aside street and cross in front of me. It was as if the devil was after them, and rather than put on the brake., they'd let me come so nigh grinding 'em under the wheels that my hair would curl for hours. I've had 'em run slap into the side of the car a hundred times over, and always through' their own care lessness, but I never run one down." "And all this has shattered your nerves?" "Say, old man, watch that hand for a minute! It's all a-tremble, and I'm fecjing all the time as If somebody was going to hit me. That's a case of nerves. You see, the close shaves I bad by day always made me dream at night. Lands alive, but the number of bi cyclers I've run down in my dreams would count up a thousand! I've seen corpses and blood-spots and broken wheels until I awoke with a yell and wanted to run away. I don't believe there has been a night in the last six mouthy that I haven't picked up a rider in rfty dreams and heard 'em yell out as the wheels ground over 'em, and I've had visions too horrible to tell of. All last week I was behind time. Every time I got up speed I grew afraid of running somebody down. The conduc tor scolded, the passengers kicked and the manager gave me 24 hours to get my nerve back.. On my very first trip yesterday morning I ticked the hind wheel of a bike with my cow-catcher, and after that I went all to pieces. Maybe a lay-off for a few weeks will bring my nerve back, but if it don't I'll go to driving an ice wagon. They are the only things on wheels a bicyclist will turn out for, and if they happen to run over anybody there's no great fuss made ubout it." AS KM'HI SIXG'TIfll!. About seven o'clock in the evening the villagers begun to drop into the tavern, and when about 30 of them had come together they proceeded to organize a lire company. They had no engine or other apparatus, but they organized just the same, and when a foreman had been elected there were loud calls for a speech and a demand that he outline his policy. "Gentlemen," he began, as he mount ed a chuir, "it is needless to say that this is the proudest moment of my life, and that I would not exchange places with the president of the L'niteC States. As to my policy" "Yes, give us your policy!" was shouted. "As to my policy. I shall use every endeavor to lower our taxes." "Whoop! Whoop-ee!" wus yelled on all sides. "I shall go in for more ruilroads, more factories, higher wages, shorter hours and cheaper Hour and meat." "Whoopee! Whoop!" "1 shall go further," continued the newly-elected. "I shall demand pro tection for home industry, alid expan sion of the currency, and a more rigid adherence to the principles of economy in all departments of government." "Go in, Jim go in!" was chorused. "Yes, I shall go in, and 1 shall per sonally see to it that the prestige of ;his government is maintained niirond. 1 will see that we return to Jeffer sonian economies. I pledge you inv word to ever stand up for the Monroe doctrine, nnd the foreign enemy who would invade our sacred shores must first walk over my dead body!" "llully for you, old man!" was the general cry. "And a word more," said the orator as he wiped the back of his neck and looked around. "I did not seek this great honor, but as it has been thrust upon me I will accept it and carry America on from posterity to posterity until gold pieces in the hands of the poor shall be a more common sight than marbles in the hands of children. Arise! Shake off your lethargy! Be hold for the first time in your lives the dawn of a nation's freedom." When the meeting had disbanded In a blaze of glory I asked the village cooper if he expected great results from it. "Do I ? Do I?" he repeated. "Why, you Riust be mighty thick-headed not to see that we shall name and elect the next president and have every blamed congressman . under our thumb!" Asking Too Much. "I wish men were like pianos." "Why?" "Because pianos are either gran if, up right or square " "Well, mo? jocn are a great deal like pianos." "How?" "You can buy them at a Dig discount from their list price." Chicgo Tribune. arc ta Find It. "Bridget," he said to the family maid, "I am unexpectedly called out for the evening, and I want you to see that your mistress gets this note." "Yes, soor," responded Bridget, Til lave it in the pocket of the trousers ye'vi just taken off. then she'll be sure to And it." Spare Moments. Ther Mast Have It. Men may live and bo happy. 'Tts claimed, without books, And lome day fair science May banish the cooks; But never while people Still labor and hope Will men agree to Dispense with soft soap. Chicago Times-Herald. PUNISHED FOR HIS HONESTT. I "So your boy is in the house of correc tion?" "Yes, I'm sorry to say! He was al ways so honest, and when he stole any thing he always brought it home, and that's how he got caught! Heitere Welt. Small Doy Spenka. I don't want to be an angel. And with the angels stand; I'd rather be a drum-major, And lead the village band. -Chicago Dally News. Domestic Cataatropbe. "Then there is no hope?" paid the man desperately. "None," she calmly replied. "The iceman must have stolen it." She had saved a piece of pie from luncheon for his dinner, and now it was gone. Cleveland Plain Dealer. J a at In Voirne. "Clementine, what did you do with that curtain goods you bought last week?" "Well, it was entirely too gay and loud for curtains, so I made a shirt waist of it." Chicago Eecord. An Instance. She Do you honestly believe that we women have such a failing for any thing that is reduced? He Well, there Is Miss Antique, whose age is 23 reduced from 38. Puck. ' A I'.nrpatlon. The night's shall be Oiled with music, But no one can understand Why the tomcat goes On the fence to pose As the manager of the band. Washington Star. SUITED TO THE POST. "My position is quite a sinecure I have really nothing to do." "My dear fellow, you are quite equal to it." Ally Sloper. The Men Who Give Advice. If "all the world's a stage" And who can doubt ll any? You'l! certainly agree 1 he prompters are too many. -Puck. obeyed Orders. Merchant If the man was out, why lid you no wait until he came back, as I told you? Messenger Dcre was a notice on de door what says: "Hetoin at Wuust." Town Topics. He Was Quite Sure. Irate Father Are you sure you love my daughter for herself alone? Suitor Quite sure. If she marries me I shall never ask any of her relatives to live with us. X. T. Journal. Her Reasons. Lawyer So you want a divorce from your husband, the flying-machine in ventor. What are your reasons? Client Well, he is flighty, and his machines ain't. Judge. Some Other Girl. Chappie The fortune teller said was to marry soon! What do you think of that? Miss Peachly You can't prove it by me! Puck. A (irea Man's Return. In school the other toys with ease Contrived to spell him down; To-day they're making costly plans ' To welcome him to, town. Chicago Times-Herald. flfurprlalnjr. Mr. Gotham Here, sir, is some whisky which I have had in my cellar for 20 years. Col. Kaintuck Well! well! How did It get lost? X. Y. Weekly. Ko riaoe for Dickering. "A balloon club has just been organ ized In Paris," "Well, let's hope the members will not fall out." Cleveland Plain Dealer. A Difference of Opinion. Mrs. Jones I suppose marriage is a lottery? Mrs. Bickers Oh! I don't know. I f oasider it a gam of skilL Puck. A Drams with s Lesson. "But they marry in the lust act, do they not?" he asked. "No," she replied. "It seems to be understood that they will some day, but there is no definite arrangement when." She sighed and he took the hint Puck. Another Harden Added. Mrs. Gotham I hear your husband has brought you twin bedsteads. Mrs. Church That's right. "Good gracious! Isn't one bedstead enough to have to look under every night, without having two?" Y ankers Statesman. nit ot Everyday Phlloaophy. Old Lady What time does the next trnin go to Yonkers? Ticket Seller Twelve o'clock. Old Lady Dear me! Isn't there one before that? Ticket Seller (calmly) Madam, there is never one before the next. Harlem Life. The nrote. Mrs. Younghusband How did you know the pie I made for dinner to-day wasn't the same as the one I made yes terday? Younghusband Because it gave me a different kind of pain In my stomach. -X. Y. World. A Frnirnl Soul. "Where's your bottle of cough medi cine, Josiah?" "What do you want with it?" "Well, you won't take it, and as it cost 65 cents it shan't be wasted. I'm going to polish the piano with it." Chicago Record. The Ideal nnd Real. How our hearts with Joy uprise When within them love has birth Love may lift us to the skies Marriage draws us down to earth, Harlem Life. POPIXAH SCIENCB. Susie Oh, mamma, I'll never disobey you again! Mamma Yhy, Susie, what have yon done? .. Susie Well, I drank my milk at lunch and then I ate a pickle; and the milk said to the pickle: "Get out!" and the pickle said: "I won't!" and they are having an awful time. Harlem Life. Aa It Should lie. Ben and Ann the parson sought, And soon weremucn elated; For Bene-mted was the groom, And the bride was Anna-mated. Chicago Daily News. Hla Memory. "Did you ever find that when you stood up to talk before an nssenibiuge that you forgot everything you ever knew?" "Xo," answered Senutor Sorghum. "I never was investigated." Washington Star. St Winn Amenities. Xero What do you think was the real reason that I fiddled while Home was burning? Queen of Shebu To add to the tor ture of the populace, I suppose. X. Y. World. A Way Out of It. Boarder ltenlly, madam, I cannot wipe myself dry with such a small towel. Landlady Very well; I'll tell the chnmbermuid to bring you less water. Tit-Bits. About the Slse of It. Ideals die too fast, 'tis said. But then why should we mourn; For everyone that shuttles off At least two more are born. Chicago Dally News. FRESH FROM THE PAWNSHOP, L Mother (to her son, just home from college) What Is that number on your overcoat for? Son It's the coatrooni number I was at the theater. Mother But here are your trousersl You didn't leave them at the coat room, too, did you? Heitere Welt. Proportlona. "H' a 7x9 politician!" They say to him: Were they fair They'd say he is 7x7 He's little, but he's quiie. Detroit Journal. Not Sparine of It. "Mrs. Jawger seems to be quits a liberal-minded woman." "0, yes; she's always willing to givs other people a piece of it." Philadel phia Bulletin. " la Doubt. 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TheniflOLB BOOKS are unlque.orlginal.uaelul younever " anything like them so practical, so sensible. They are havint an enormous sale Estt West. North and South. Every one who keeps a Horse, Cow, Hog or Chicken, or grows fimill Fruits, ought to send right away for the BIQQLB BOOKS. The FARM JOURNAL la toot paper, made for yon and not a misflt. It Is n years old; it Is the great boiled-down, hit-the-nail-onfhe-head, quit-after-you-haTe-said-it, Farm and Household paper In the world-the bitseat paper of its sise In the United States PHUDKLNnA I KM BORXH0 - SPUD QUARTER SAWED OAK Kgf 2 limn? i 'it esfameoneeras Ml I "1 If o eopr our ail. g 1 n g. 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It in stantly relieves and permanently cures Dyspepsia, Indigestion, Heartburn, Flatulence, Sour Stomach, Nausea. SickHeadache,Gastralg!a,Cramp9,ana all other results of Imperfectdlgestlon. Prepared by E. & DeWItt &Ca, Chicago. t ., J. ,W. HOUGHTON, Druggist. CLEVELAND BUFFALO . "Wblls yoo Sleep." VNPAJiALLELEDNIGHTSenviCE. MEW (TEAM ESS "City or Buffalo" .NO " City of Erii," both totether being withoot doabt, la all napeots, the finest nnd fastest thnt are run in th. Inur.st ol tb. trav.llug cubits la in United states. TIM! CARD, DAILY INCLUOINO SuatOAV. UanCUvlutl8P.N. ArrirtBnlhto iA.lt Bilialo t - -ClcveUiuJi CCNTRAL ITANOARO TIMS. Connections made at Buffalo with train, for all Eastern nnd Canadian point. A. a; ticket agent for tioket. Tin 0. 4 B. Lin. Bend four cents for Illustrated pamphlet. SPECIAL LOW RATES TO BUFFALO AMD NIAGARA FALL EVERT SATURDAY MIBHI. W. F. MiajIMN, ' Saasaaa Pssmmmmi Assai, CLaviLAND, , fHt BBST OP THEM ALL 1 1 LiraNCOTTSl! Contain. eomplM'liOTI In ererr nam. Der, In addition too Inrg. quantltjr ol uaafuii and .nunalnlns reading matter. ' 1 JT ewnWsnsnal atnrleai, aaaile nr. . aJa4i.nU tm asssl raaatara. It shonld be hi Tery bouiohoUU SbVi acrlptlon, 3.00 per jroar. I AgenU wanteoT In T.ry town, to whom), th. moat liberal Inducement, will be offend. 3. S. UmXCOTT C0HPA5T, raUUisrtjj . . fJUII StiVI SUIIA . 1.!.? ,j ,,, ,, "I . , ' - . ,u aa.TWt-vv '17. . ted! 1 --' I ) " ' l . r - - aan'l4waaaWM J ll lH.Hil.W-ae.M.,.-.,, .. - . . t , ' a SM r) t t . ----- -7;;.; ) .: r - ; ' .r.