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Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, June 01, 1876, Image 1

Image and text provided by Montana Historical Society; Helena, MT

Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn84036143/1876-06-01/ed-1/seq-1/

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Volume io.
Helena, Montana, Thursday, June i, 1876.
IMM——imw wwii in i" ii i mill il i mi mitt»
I (iU not tokuthe tcmporuy editorship of
an ii-rirultunil piper without misgivings.
Ncitin r ii • »nid :i him
a ^hip wilmnit mi>iilvings. But
The re.
■ iliihiV
for u I)
man take command of
I was in cir-
ihat made ilie salary an object
ular edit .u oi the paper was going off
and I accepted the terms
d an 1 took liis
• sensation of
on:-, and I W!
:/ i 11 g pleasure,
it liier
sta.r-. 1
me pa
say : '
hy this
a similar
being at work again was
rouedit all the week with
We went to press, and
av, with some solicitude, to see
mV effort was going to attract any
A > I left the ollice towards sundown,
p of men and boys at the foot of the
b-persed with some impulse, and gave
•vaire-way, and i -heard one of them
' That's him!" I was naturally pleased
incident. The next morning I found
-roup at the foot of the stair, and
^ couples and individuals standing
here and there in the street, and over the way,
wntehing me with interest.
The group separated and fell back as I ap
proached, and 1 heard a man say, " Look at
his eye!" I pretended not to observe the no
tice I was attracting, but secretly I was
pleased with it, and was purposing to write
an Account of it to my aunt. I went up the
short flight of stairs and heard cheery voices
and a ringing laugh as 1 went near the door,
which 1 opened and caught a glimpse of two
young rural-looking men, whose faces
blanched and lengthened w hen they saw me,
and then they both plunged through the win
dow wit!) a great crash. I was surprised.
In about half an hour an old gentleman,
with allowing beard and a tine but rather
austere face, entered, and sat down at my in
vitation. He se jmed to have something on
his mind. lie took off his hat and set it on
the door, and got out of it a red silk hand
kerchief and a copy of our paper.
lie put tin; paper on Ids lap, and while lie
polished his spectacles wlth'his handkerchief,
lie said :
" Are you the new editor ?"
T said f was.
*• Have you ever edited an agricultural pa
per before?"
" No," said I, " this is my first attempt.
" No," said I, this is my first attempt.
" Very likely. Have you lmd any experi
ence in agriculture, practically ?"
" No ; 1 believe I have not."
"Some instinct told me so," said the old
gentleman, putting on his spectacles and look
ing over them with asperity, while he folded
his paper into a convenient shape. " I wish
to read you what must have made me have
that instinct. It was this editorial. Listen
and see if it was you that wrote it :
"Turnips should never be pulled; it in
jures them. It is much better to send a boy
up and let him shake the tree."
" Now what do you think of that ?—for I
really suppose you wrote it."
"think of it? Why, I think it is good.
I think it is sense. I have no doubt that every
year millions and millions of bushels of tur
nips are spoiled in this township alone by bc
ing pulled in ahalf-ripe condition, when if they
had sent a hoy up to shake the tree— '
•*Shake your grandmother! Turnips don't
grow on trees ! "
"Oh, tliev don't, doR't they? Well, who
said they did ? The language was intended to
lie figurative, wholly figurât - ve. Anybody that
knows anything will know that 1 meant that
th'* boy should shake the vine."
Then this old person got up and tore his
paper all into small shreds and stamped on
them, and broke several tilings with his cane,
and said l did not know as much as a cow ;
and then went out and banged the door after
him, and, in short, acted in such a way that
1 fancied he was displeased about something.
But not knowing what the trouble was, I
could not be any help to him.
l'retty soon after this a long, cadaverous
creature, with lanky locks hanging down to
his shoulders and a week's stubble bristling
from the hills and valleys of bis face, darted
within the door, and halted motionless, with
finger on lip and head and body bent in list
r .... 1 , \ t .. _______i ..... . u*;n
ening attitude. No sound was heard. »Still
he listened. No sound. Then he turned the
key in the door, and came elaborately tipto
ing toward me till he was within long reach
ing distance of me, when he stopped, and
after scanning my face with intense interest
for a while drew a folded copy of our paper
from his bosom and said :
" There, you wrote that. Head it to me
quick. Relieve me. I suffer."
1 read as follows and as the sentences fell
from my lips I could see the relief come. I
could see the drawn muscles relax, and the
anxiety go out of the face, and rest and peace
steal over the features like the merciful moon
light over the desolate landscape:
" The guano is a fine bird ; but great care
is necessary in rearing it. It should not be
imported earlier thau June or later than Sep
tember. In the winter it should be kept in a
warm place, where it can hatch out its
" It is evident we are to have a back wer 1
season for grain. Therefore it will be web j
for the farmer to begin setting out his corn
stalks, and planting ids buckwheat cakes in
July instead of August."
" Concerning the pumpkin. This berry is
a favorite with the natives of the interior of
New England, who prefer it to the goose
berry for the making of fruit cake, and who
likewise give it the preference over the rasp
berry for feeding cow s, as being more filling
and fully as satisfying. The pumpkin is the
only esculent of the orange family that will
thrive in the North,except the gourd and one
or two varieties of the squash. But the custom
of planting it in the front yard with the
shrubbery is fast going out of vogue, for it is
now generally conceded that the pumpkin as
a shade tree is a failure.
" Now, as the warm weather approaches,
and the ganders begin to spawn—"
The excited listener sprang toward me to
shake hands and said : tit
"There, there—that will do. I know !
am all right, now, because you have read it
just as I did word for word. But, stranger,
when I first read it this morning, 1 said to
myself, I never, never believed it before,
notwithstanding my friends kept me under
watch so strict, But now I believe I uni
crazy ; and with that I fetched a howl that
you might have heard two miles, and started,
out to kill somebody—because, you know,
I knew it would come to that sooner or later,
and so I might as well begin. I read one oi
them paragraphs over and over' again so as
to be certain, and tuen 1 burned my house
down and started. I have crippled several
people, and have got one fellow up a tree,
where I can get him if I want him. But I
thought I would call in here as I passed along
and make the thing perfectly certain, and
now it is certain, and I tell you it is lucky
for the chap that is in the tree. ^ I should
have killed him sure as I went back. Good
by, sir; good-by. \ du have taken a great
load off ray mind. My reason has stood the
strain of one of your agricultural articles,
and I know that nothing can ever unseat it
now. Good-by, sir.
I felt a little uncomfortable about the crip
plings and arson this person had been enter
taining himself with, for I could not help
feeling remotely accessory to them. But the
thought was quickly banished, for the regu
lar editor walked in. [ I thought to myself
now, if you had gone to Egypt, as I had re
commended you to, I might have £bad a
chance to get my hand in ; but you wouldu t
do it, and here you are. I sort of expected
The editor was looking sad, perplexed and
dejected. ,
He surveyed the wreck which tiiat old rio
ter and these two young farmers had made
and then said : " This is a sad business—a
very sad business. There is the mucilage
bottle broken, and six panes of glass, and a
spittoon and two candle-sticks. But that is
not the worst. The reputation of the paper
is injured—permanently, I fear, 'lrue, there
never was such a call for tho paper before,
and it never sold such a large edition or soar
ed to such celebrity, but does one want to be
famous for lunacy, and prosper upon the in
firmities of his mind ? My friend, as I am
an honest man, the street out here is full of
people, and others are roosting on tüe fence,
wailing to get a glimpse of you, because they
think you are crazy. And well they might
after reading your editorials. They are a
disgrace to journalism. Why, what put it
into your head that you could edit a paper of
this nature? You do not seem to know the
first rudiments of agriculture. A ou speak of
a furrow and a harrow as being the same
thing; you talk ot the moulting season for
cows, and you recommend the domestica
tion of the polecat on account of its playful
ness and its excellence as a ratter. You re
mark that clams will lie quiet if music be
played to them was superfluous—entirely
superfluous. Nothing dist urbs clams. Clams
always lie quiet. Clams care uotbing what
ever alxiut music. And heavens and earth,
friend ! If you had made the acquiring of
ignorance the study of your life, you could
not have graduated with higher honor than
you could to-day. 1 never saw anything
like it. Your observation of the horse-chestnut
as an article of commerce steadily gaining in
favor is simply calculated to destroy this
journal. I want yon to throw up your situa
tion and go. 1 want no more holiday—I
could not enjoy it if 1 had it. Certainly not
with you in my chair. I would always stand
in dread of what you might be going to re
commend next. It makes me loose all pa
tience every time 1 think of your discussing
oyster-beds under the head of "Landscape
Gardening." I want you to go. Nothing on
earth could persuade me to take another
holiday. Oh ! why didn't you tell me you
didn't know anything about agriculture?"
"Tell you, you cornstalk, you cabbage,
you sou of a cauliflower! It's the first time I
ever heard such an unfeeling remark. I tell
you I have been in the editorial business
going on fourteen years, and it is the first
time I ever heard of a man's having to know
anything in order to edit a newspaper. You
turnip! Who write the dramatic critioues for
the second-rate players ? Why, a parcel of
promoted shoemakers and apprentice apothe
caries, who know just as much about good
acting as I do about good farming, and no
more. Who review the books ? People who
never wrote one. Who do up the heavy
leaders on finance? Parties who have the
largest opportunities for knowing nothing
about it. Who criticise the Indian cam
paigns ? Gentlemen who do not know a war
whoop from a wigwam, and who never
have had to run a foot-race with a tomahawk
or pluck arrows out of the several members
of their families to build the evening camp
fire with. Who write the temperance ap
peals and clamor about the flowing bowls ?
Folks who will never draw another sober
breath till they do it in the grave. Who
edi's the agricultural papers, you yam?
Men, as a general thing, who fail in
the poetry line yellow covered novel line,
sensation drama line, city editor line,
and finally fall back on agriculture as a
temporary reprieve from the poor house.
You try to tell me anythin!! about the news- i
paper business ! Sir, I have been through it
from Alpha to Omaha, aûd I tell you the
less a man knows the bierger poise he makes
and the higher the salary he commands.
Heaven knows, if I had been ignorant, in
stead of cultivated, and impudent instead of
diffident, I could have made a name for my
self in this cold, selfish world. I take my
leave sir. Since I have been treated as you
have treated me, I am perfectly willing to
go. But I have done my duty. I have
fulfilled my contract as far as I was permit
ted to d» it. 1 said I could make your paper
of interest to all classes—and I have. I said
I could run your circulation up to 20,000
copies, and if I had had two more weeks
I'd have done it. And I'd have given you
the best class of readers that ever an agricul
tural paper bad—not a farmer in it, nor a
solitary individual who could tell a water
melon'tree from a peach vine to save his life.
You arc the loser by the rupture, not me, pie
plant. Adios." I then left.
Au Aisumeut for Murries<*.
Owing to the education of the girls of the
present day and the supposed expense of
keeping u family, young men remain single
uniii they have acquired sufficient means to
enter into the matrimonial state, and like the
sinner determining on reform, go on and on
until too old to seek a mate. Powers, an
eminent sculptor, on being questioned as to
why he married when possessed of such
limited means, replied: "Family and poverty
have done more to support me than I have to
support them; they have compelled me to
make exertions that I hardly thought myself
capable of ; and often when on the ere of
despairing, they hav® forced me, like a cow*
ard in a corner, to fiiiht like a hero, not for
myself, but for my wife and little ones. And
Powers was right, for a wife to direct a man
toward a proper ambition and general
economy, is like a timely succor at sea, to
save him from destruction on a perilous
voyage. Let a young man of steady habits
and possessed of the means of self-support,
marry the girl he likes whenever he has
sufficient to commence housekeeping, but
before he makes his selection, let him know
the mother of his bride and ascertain how
she has raised her daughter; if to be at home
in the kitchen as well as in the parlor; if as
bandy at the needle as the piano, he can
safely marry uuder the conviction that he will
have a wife that will help him along the un
certain pathway of life. We don't often
moralize on such subjects aud should not on
this occasion did we not see so many
forlorn old bachlors in onr every day rambles
through this town.— Nevada Tribune.
Ifia« 4 l 9 tb»l wore i£q*al.
[ Prom tho Toledo Uomaiorcial.]
It occurred last night. Perkins discarded
one and drew #uc. Tomlins did the same.
Both looked at their hands disappointedly,
and then gazed sndly at each other. The
chips represented twenty-rive cents each.
"Go you one on what I've got,' said Perk,
contemptuously. ** Raise you a couple on
this lay out," said Tomlins, with a sneer.
"Might as well see your couple, and go you
five more," said Perkins, in a reckless, don't
care sort of a way. " Won't be bluffed if I
do have hard luck," said Tomlins ; "raise you
ten." " That touches bottom, said Perk,
wearily. "I call. What have you got?"
"Well," my reckless friend," said Tomlins
with a smile. "I happen to have an ace
high flush," and he threw down the papers.
" So have I," drawled Perk, with an easy
affectation of nouchalauce. Then they
compared, and each had an ace, king, ten,
nine and four—Tomlins of spades, and Perk
ins of diamonds. " Don't happen once in a
thousand years," exclaimed the former.
"Not in a million," sighed the latter.
California'* Bi;; luiBaläe Asyl«»
In California, where everything is big, the
biggest lunatic asylum in the world is now
being erected. It is bigger, at any rate, than
any similar butlding in the United States,
although there is one of about the same size
in New Jersey. The circuit of the California
asylum falls only 200 feet short of a mile in
extent. It is to be built of stone, with carved
corridors up to the roof, and with the words
" Di* r nitos " and "Opulentia" everywhere
engraved. It is to cost «fil, 500,000. Maple,
red-wood amd marble adornments will em
bellish the interior. The society in this in
stitution will be the choicest in California,
and the inmates, happy in their escape from
the atmosphere ot humbug that pervades the
social and business circles of the States out
side the walls of the asylum, will dwell in
dignity and opulence, and thank the gracious
power that made them lunatics instead of
knaves. ^ |
A Norfolk. Man's Coafenl»».
Well, we are lazy in Norfolk, that's a fact.
But there is no need of working here. If a
man has energy enough to dig a worm he
can take a pin-hook and sit down on the
wharf and catch fish enough in one day to
last him two. If he is too lazy to dig a worm
he can tie a piece of flannel rag on a string
and catch enough crabs to last him a day or
two; and if he is too lazy to tie a piece of
flannel to a string he lays down on his back on
the sand at ebb tide, opens his mouth, and
when the tide comes in the crabs run into it.
Wbat need is there of work in a country for
which nature has done so much.
A Mice Girl for » Parly.
Celia Logan knows of "a Washington
voung lady a very excellent manager in point
of toilet, who received this winter three dif
ferent invitations to balls. She has but one
1 all-dress, a beautiful white crepe, brought
here from China by a sailor brother. Go io
these balls in the same dress site would not,
i and she could not talk him into buying any
thinü new ; so she wore the whitecrepe to the
first ball, and had it dyed pink for the second,
had the dve extract eel and the dress redyed
biue for tiie third, and all for the few' dollars
her father gave lier for gloves, fan, etc. If
she receives another invitation to a party, she
says she will have the blue dye taken out and
have it white airain.
[The f*«lowin£ vernets were written by a young col
ored man of Dowainac, Michigan, who had small aci
▼anta^ea of education. As being the product of untu
tored genius and coming from anegro they are of more
than common interest. Those who contend that
among this people there is na capacity for intellectual
culture, will be nonplussed at the information that
this young man has persisted in making himself, in the
face "of every obstacle, and offers this proof of his ad
vancement. One is here reminded of the oft-quoted
jines in "Gray's Elegy," "Full many a gem of purest
r ay serene," etc.]
Morn's banner of mist bung over her shield,
Sweeping low and white from the dawn's gray shore,
Wtiile the broad, bronzed breast of the ripened Held
Held up to ihe reapers its golden store.
And the clouds, that all night in the east had slept.
Turned each to the westward his purple form;
And Morning's golden sandals swept
Night's gilt of pearls from the lily's brow.
Out to the harvest the reaper's w« nt.
With sharp« ned cradle and busy rake;
While low and timid (.reP-hen bent
To gather the graiu in their rustling wake.
And they toiled till the noonday's arrowy head
l^uivtred downward, last as the tierce simoon's;
Trampling out, with its myriad blazing feet,
The tragruut breath of the clover blooms.
And when the sun's bright chariot wheeled,
In its burning track o'er the emerald wood,
At the forest spring be-ide the field.
Said the youth that close hy Gretchen stood:
"When I first he sickle began to wield
'Twas in other lands where rich harvests how ;
I have reaped since then in many a field.
Yet found no gleaner so fair as thou.
" The silver steps of the morning mist,
As they strike in pearls over land and sea,
Are not softer, I ween, than those lips, love-kissed ;
Withhold not their sweetness, tb n, from me."
Then np to modest Gretchen's cheek
Crept the crimson flush of her startled pride.
" What worth are the idle words you speak?
They have flattered a score of maids beside."
Then he whispered, as men are won't to woo,
With earnest look and ptrsuasive word;
And she, as maidens are wont to do.
Believed the tempting tale she heard—
How he never, never had known before
This manhood's love that was pure and strong;
That his heart had learned brighter tunes of yore,
Bat never this deep and solemn song.
As the cloads, with noiseless march and slow,
With purple pennons went down the west,
And the sunset tide, with amber glow,
Beat up broad waves on each coral crest.
The light of love's new light arose,
In a glorious dawn, on Gretchen's heart;
Like that which over the threshold flows,
When they leave the beautifal gates apart.
faid the reaper hold: "The sheaves I bind
Are precious kisses I take from thee."
Said Gretchen: "The dearest spears I find,
The sweetest caresses thou giveet me."
9aid the reaper: " Gretchen, for thy fair sake
My Inborn henrelorth in this land shall be."
Said Gretchen : " Your love would the desert mak«
And Iden oi widless bloom to me."
"If there should be other fields for thee,
And dearer loves 'neath the future's sun,
The star ot life would go down for me,
And Gretcàeu's life on earth be done."
Then o'er her heart swept a shade of years,
A looking off through the dark To Be,
Where the night was cold with icy tears,
And sad with the moans oi the sobbing sea.
But the reaper vowed, as laver# will,
while the stars looked down, aud the soft dews wept,
And the willows sighed with a warning thrill
Of vows oft broken and trysts uukept.
Morn's banaer af mist hung over the shield,
Sweeping low aud white, from the dawn's gray shore,
While the broad, bronzed breast ol the ripened field
Held up to tho reaper its golden etore.
And the clouds, that all night in the east had slept,
Turned each to the westward its purple prow,
And morning's golden sandles swept
Nights gift of pearls from the lily's brow.
Morn's banner of mist hangs over her shield,
Like that the last year's harvest bore;
But the reaper chose another field,
Ana b autiful Gretchen gleans no more.
C. F. Martin.
lu these hard times, when borrowing is
so difficult, we'd like know whether distance
still keeps up its time-honored habit of lend
ing enchantment to the view.
A Minnesota lady in taking her morning
gape, lately put her jaw out of joint, and it
was two days before the doctor could put it
in place again. Her husband says he hasn't
had such a vacation since he was married.
There's no special style of engraving en
gagement rings. A spider's web with a fly
in It is a a very pretty device.
If we may believe the Western papers,
when the land is tickled with a hoe it laughs
with potato bugs.
Florida has a volcano in an impenetrable
swamp, and the alligators loaf around it and
tickle themselves that they have a big thing.
Mr. Beecher last Sunday expressed th«
opinion that "the Lord wiil protect his own."
This is why he wears a lightning-rod over
his chimney.
A shewd old Yankee said he didn't believe
there was any downright cure for laziness in
a man. "But, " he added, "I have known
a second wife to hur^y it some."
A woman in Manlius, 1 N. Y\, has recently
presented her husband with three bouncing
babies. In these days of Woman's Rights
that's the Manlius' act we've heard of in a
long time.
A fashion chronicler says : "Old lace is
more fashionable and more worn than new."
Old clothes are more "worn" than new, too,
and it is hoped that the time will soon come
when they will be more fashionable.
What a mother lacks in skill, she makes up
in enthusiasm when she cuts her boy's hair.
The back of his head may look like thunder,
but every scollop is a blight vision of devot
ed affection to the understanding mind:
A young lady when invited to partake of
the pudding, replied. "No, many thanks,
my dear madame. By no manner of means.
I have already indulged the clamorous calls
of a craving appetite, until the manifest
sense of an internal fullness admonishes my
stay; my deficiency is entirely and satisfac
torily satisfied.
How it"* ITaycti.
Our reporter has been interviewed fre
quently, both in ancient and modern times,
in regard to the hidden mysteries of cardi
ology. The last one who bored our distin
guished genius, asked that wisdom-tilled
spirit how to play the
"Bit down," says the IIeuai.d reporter.
" What will I sit on,
after knowledge.
" Bit on your ear, if you ;
to sit on," says the Herald i
" But I have," says the cuss t
"Then sit," says the H. 1».
He sot.
Our representative thus began
the eus;
■ nothing else,
rim - .
I or
un g
man, if you desire to win imperishable re
nown, list ; Oh, list to these wise droppings
from one who has grown ba'd in playing
Solitaire. You budding youth, know this,
that life is mixed, a kiud of a fleeting show,
for which we pay nary a red for admission
fee, but stomach ache plenty, just before the
performance is over. You wish to know of
this noble game. I bequeath it to you as it
was done to me by Napoleon the One. List,
Oh, list, (in the regular army, if you want
to), and hearken to my receipe tor this health
giving, invigorating, muscular, out-door
pastime. First, take a deck (hurricane), of
cards (steamboat), and cut them. Keep sev
ering until you have a good card on the bot
tom—but first of all, shullle the cards weil,
and also your feet. Now, commence hauling
away at the deck, and when you turn Jack,
peg two for lii 3 nob. Keep on playing, but
if the balls are frozen, and the five pin goes
into the pocket, you are not entitled to hon
ors, unless the baii rolls back on the alley.
However, should you lose your strongest
piece, the pawn, for a paltry queen, then
you are tuckered, and the first one having
five buttons in a row hollers croquet; but, if
i his money says nine four and the cards sug
gest four nine, then, the bat must be returned
to the pitcher twirl not to the pool seller as
was formerly the rule. For , by a single dip
of the oar, the other yacht makes a spurt,
thus letting Jack go out before high, while
the other horse, being distanced, makes pool,
throws up the sponge, vociferating "Keno,"
thus showing beyond a doubt, that—that—
Oh, let's drink."
And they smoked.
" Bring flowers, fresh flowers, for the early dead."
On Tuesday next will recur the anniversary
of Decoration Day, "the saddest of the year,"
when the custom of wreathing the graves of
beloved and lamented friends with the first
flowers of summer will be perpetuated all over
the United States. In this beautiful custom,
which is the outgrowth of the war, it is to be
hoped that no spirit of sectionalism will pre
vent the offering, and that the graves of the
Blue and the Gray will alike be adorned by
these touching memorials of respect to de
parted heroes. For he who dies fighting for
the wrong, is no less a hero of courage than
he who falls, sword in hand, on whose bl ight
blade shines the cross and its motto, In hoc
signet vincet. Apart as we are, in the Rocky
Mountains, so far from the graves of our
lamented dead, and while thus absent from
the scenes that link the memory of the living
in such sweet accord with our coble soldiers,
let us not forget on that day
" To drop a flower, or perchance a tear,
As a mark of love to those we revere."
Of the many brave men who went out to bat
tle, some were borne home from disease and
wounds, and sought the invigorating air of
Montana to build up a shattered frame, and
restore health, who now lie sleeping upon our
mountain sides far away from friends and
home. They, too, will have their decora
tion. If not by the hands of those both near
and dear, their graves w ill be the beds for the
bloom of the wild flowers which deck our
hills and valleys with waving leaves for ferns,
and tinted bells as for-get-me-nots,
"Where rain and sunshine o'er them
Keep fresh and green the sod,
And no false frozen marble,
Shuts out the smile of God."
You are well off when you are in a healthy
neighborhood, with enough to eat and drink,
and a comfortable, well ventilated apartment
to sleep in, and you are paving ail your ex-
penses and laying up something—even slowly
—for a rainy day, and, in addition to all this,
acquiring knowledge and strengthening your
character. Young men whose situation com-
bines all the preceding advantages, should be
very cautious about exchanging such a cer-
tainty unless it be for atiother certainty.
Happiness does not depend upon great wealth
so much as it does upon independence, and
intellectual and moral culture.
—A shirt made of 2000 linen for $1 2.5

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