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■;Æ • • m m m < m -'eci. Volume xviii. Helena, Montana, Thursday, March 20, 1884. No. *7 <fl,e 111 reit ly ^jcralil. R. £ FISK, FISK D. W FISK, Ä. J. Publishers und Proprietors. Largest Circulation of any Paper in Montana Rates of Subscription. HERALD: WEEKLY _ One Year, (in advance).................................. Six Month«, (in addance)............................... - W Three Months, (in advance)..........................; 1 When not paid for in advance the rate will lie Four Dollars per year! Postage, in all cases, Prepaid. DAILY HERALD: Clly Subscribers,delivered by carrier,SI 50a month One Year, by mail, (in advance).................. «12 00 six Months, by mail, (in advance)............... 6 00 Three Months, by mail, (in advance)........... 3 00 Ail communications should be addressed to ** A FISK BKOH., Publishers, Helena, Montana. i Written for the Hkrald.] thought. • y- he tbinketb, so is he." The thought* of the heart Are swift skillful sculptors—the truest in art. Ut thoughts be hut noble, unselfish and grand, They 11 carve out the future with unerring hand. The forehead is fashioned by purposes deep, Whether evil or good, its own secrete keep. The eye with intelligence te ams, or is dull Orows keenly sarcastic, or with sympathy full. The sweet, rosy lips of youth's precious days Arc shaiasd by the wnd in two different ways: If gracious and happy, the story they'll tell ; If sour and unhappy, they'll prove it as well. More important than these are the lives that are wrought With unerring truth in the workshop of thought. "As he thioketh. so is he''—notin features alone, But in movement and action, in language and tone. If such is the power of omnipotent thought, How carefully should rarest treasures be sought, To store in the rnem'ry—fit artists to dwell Within us. and mould lives and features as well. March 12, ISM. DEL. ----- -«► *♦- ---- An idyl. I saw her first on a day in spring ; Py the side of a stream as I fished along, And loitered to hear the robins sing. And guessed at the secret they told in song. The apple-blossoms, so white and red, Were mirrored beneath in the streamlet's flow; And the sky was blue far overhead, And far in tl>e depths of the brook below. 1 lay half hid by a mossy stone And looked in the water for flower and sky. I heard a step—I was not alone : And the vision of loveliness met my eye. ! saw her conic to the other side. And the apple blossoms were not more fair; She stoj>j>ed to ga/.e in the sunlit tide, And her eyes met mine in the water there She stopped in timid and mute surprise. And that look might have lasted till now, I ween ; But modestly dropping lier dove-like eyes. She turned her away to the meadow green. I stood in wonder and rapture lost At her slender form and her steep so free, At her raven locks by the breezes tossed As she kicked up lier heels in the air for glee. The apple blossoms are withered now. But the sky, and the meadow, and stream are there. And whenever I wander that way I vow flint some day J'll buy me that little black mare. IAHE AT FIIE FASHIONABLE WATERING PLACE. A guest at a fashinable watering place hotel, having a longing for eggs at his matutinal meal, t.iid being informed by the sable attendant upon the table tliHt there were none, perpetrated the following : To those who 'neath this table thrust their legs 1 proffer this advice—don't ask for eggs; For eggs just now are not within their means. Try something that is cheaper—pork and beans. Or if perchance this dish should fail to please, Try something cheaper still, say bread and cheese ; Or what would letter suit—don't eat at all. At least until the markets have a fali. If you opine that you can 1 letter fare, The privilege is yours to go elsewhere. '1 o inti its guests, the house can ill afford. But all the same, you pay four dollars board. Dl DETIC LEAP YEAH. The jigjog wings on the cradleberry bough, The mollyeod pines on the lea ; I lie tittle hat squirbles his love-liorii vow, Bo, so, dearest maid, I love thee. SHE. Do« ii where the crocodile smiles in the sun, There, there darling kid should we flee: And oh ! like the winkywunk when the day is done, I skittle if I tottle not thee. HE. * he felis bug gurgles his song in the air. The organ lugger trills for you and me ; The perrvgraui skiddles the old arm chair, Thus, thus Dalmanutha, love I thee. SHE. And oh ' Onesiphorus, the old brown mare 1- "paving for love, as also we ; And up where the minister waits in his lair, I "hall giggle if 1 skedaddle not with thee. THE KAISER AND THE CHAN CELLOR. "texik here, young man," the Kaiser said, Are you der King or I ?'' Prince Bismarck humbly bowed his head, You vas der King. But vv ?" I ten if I vas der King vat for You put on all der airs, 1 nd get der coundry into war I'nd run der whole affairs? "Vnt for you write flot letters 1 >er l.asker pissness, eh? You heckler look a leedle out— I snatch you bald some day.' bout A PH NIC EPISODE. Oh, the tiny little ants ! How they clamber up our pants At the picnic 'neath the willow in the glen ! How they seem to take delight in The obnoxious sport of bitin' Indefensible and modest gentlemen! It's delightful, when ones cooing To the damsel he is wooing. To feel the playful creature in his pants ! Vnd upon the perfumed air He throbs a soulful swear At "his sisters and his cousins and his ants." Oh, it sets the brain a throbbing To feel these insects bobbing I p and flow n our system in their merry glee ! There's one way you can right 'em. And that is flee and light 'em, Neath the shadow of some distant, friendly tree. THE FEMALE BOOK FIEND. Tis hard to get rid of a délit. A birthmark, a£wart or a gout— A iiang-nail. a corn or sty I« a difficult thing to knock out. Tte* seven-year itch is no slouch, And the tu ml, who has never a cent i* constant and stays with a man i. «til all his money is spent. But with calmest contentment and ease W e on all these little things look. And prefer them, en masse, to that pest, A femule who s selling a book. ; SHE CAPTURED HIM. Hou a Texas Editor Was Blackmailed by a Voting Woman. [Texas Siftings.] While "The Topics of the Times'' editor ol Texas Siftings was peering curiously into the paste-post and wondering how they made diamonds out of such stuff there was a faint feminine rap at the door. The massive intellect ceased its scientific spec ulations and the owner of the m. i. but toned his cardigan jacket, scattered some of his hair over his bald spot, like thin bedding for an imaginary horse, and open ed the door. A young and beautiful lady tripped in. She also tripped over a plug of navy tobac co by the book reviewer. The "topics" man tried to catch her in his arms, but she eluded him with a coy little "kangaroo dip," and sat down on a pile of books. "We are getting up a church festival," said the young lady. "Strike me light," said the typical youth, "it s five days now till Saturday night." "Oh, it's not money that we want," chir ruped the maiden. "Not money ? Then its my life ! Bat consider; I am so young, so fresh, so fair." "No, no," said the fair one, "I did not come here lor the purpose of extorting wealth. Of course we want money, but w e propose to get it—to get it legitimately —we are going to have a church festival for that purpose." "So you said—don't lock the door." The last remark was wrung from the trembling topics man by a sudden move ment on the part of the damsel, resulting only in the readjustment of her position on the books. "Foolish boy," said the young lady, tap ping a pair of No. 2 bootlets with her par asol, "how timid you are. Well, what do you think of our plan ?" "Big scheme. What is it ?" "Why, it's only an ordinary chnrch fes tival, and we want yonr assistance." "What can I do ? I don't sing, act, do comic recitations, and I can't wash dishes, make coffee or hnsk oysters. I should only be in the way." "No, but we want you for a particular purpose." "Perhaps you want to make a barbecue of me. Try some of the young theological students who are going out as mission aries." "No, we want you to deal." "Deal !" "Yes ; faro, you kuow. We have got the foreman of the composing-room to deal monte, the chashier of the First National is going to run the chuck-luck lake, and Deacon Priggins has consented to superin tend a quiet game of high-ball poker and rope in the railroad magnates and a couple of congressmen who are paired with some body and home on a furlough. I shall conduct the grab-bag, and I've got it fixed so that everybody will draw a blank, and it will lie all profit. Now, if you can deal faro, so that the more a man puts down the less he takes up, we have got 'em," and the young lady snapped her teeth to gether like a hunting-case watch. "My gracious! miss, I don't know one card from-" "Oh. yes you do. Where were you last uight about 9:30?" "Me ? I was sitting up with a sick man." "Yes, I know you were. You made him sick to the tone of $75. Where were you night before last ?" "I was-" "No ; you were not—not what you were going to say. We have had spotters out for the past two weeks, and you have been shadowed. We do not propose to give you away if you are at all tractable. Yon know that you are a splendid faro dealer, and we want you to come and deal for the church. Come out from the toils and meshes of Satan and deal for the good cause. Come over to our side and deal for the pure, the good and the beautiful. And (here the divine creature sank her rich, fiute-like voice to a mere whisper) there are going to be lots of drummers and rail road boys there, and we propose to send them home in their stocking feet. It will be the biggest thing in the way of church lotteries you ever saw. Now, will you come over to our side, or shall I have to expose you?" It was a clear case of blackmail, and the miserable youth was caught in the toils. He went like a little man. The Fascinating Widow. A writer in Harper's observes that the feminine mind is often not a little puz zled to understand why the fascinations of a w idow are so much more potent than those of a single gathering; why it is that in every gathering the widow will carry off the partners from under the very nose of the spinster who is in the very flower— wall-flower—of her youth. Does she speak with the tongues of men and angels more than the rest of us? Is she better bred? Does she flatter with more skill or dress with more effect? Is she prettier, they ask, perhaps, Is it the jointure left by her Marquis of Carabas, or because she has been endorsed by a lord of creation ? Or ; s it the shadow 7 of an early grief which at tracts, or the exhibition of a most beautiful resignation ? In the young girl's estimate the suttee was the right course for a widow. Ought not the only tiame left for her be that of the funeral pyre? And is there not something ungenerous, she asks, in a world where husbands are scarce for a woman to appropriate more than one ? Is it not a sort of denial of immortality ? But the young girl is told that these are the fine-spun feelings of a sentimentalist, that the widow does right to live in the world, and not, like Old Mortality, among graves. Very possibly she may not wish to marry again, but she may not have buried all her little vanities, her love of admiration, her interest in human kind, especially man kind, in the grave with her husband. Is it her fault if the men prefer her society ? Perhaps it is her very indifference, having pleased one man whether others are pleased or not, that is irresistible, or the confidence which that fact gives. Perhaps it is be cause she never preaches to them over sowelxxly else 's shoulder ; because tobacco smoke does not affect her ; because she is not afraid to show her interest ; because, knowing their weakness, she yet likes their society ; because her unprotected po sition and her becoming weeds appeal to the manly heart ; or because she has learned tac t in the scrimmage with her husband's relations. Perhaps, through having loved and lost, she has touched a wider gamut of emotions, and her exper ience has made her more interesting than the callow girl. Doubtless society needs widows just as much as it does single women and married people to give a spice and variety to life, and it would be a thou 8311(1 P ities if tlie Hindoo custom were to t:otne in \ogue in our day and deprive some \ 01 U8 3 grievance. Brotber Gardner on Dreams. [Detroit Free Press. "Now, gem'len, I had a few remarks to git off some two ya'rs ago on the subjick of dreams, an' I desiah to express a few mo." I am giben to understan' dat some of our most prominent members believe in dreams an' shape deir coarse accordin.' Ize an old man, and Ize had about a millyon dreams since I begun bizness. Dar's sun thin' in 'em, but not much. "To dream that you is crossin' a muddy stream to steal turnips signifies dat you had better go to work and airn some taters. "To dream dat yon are trabblin' 'long a dusty highway an' lookin' for a lost pock et-book wid $50 in it signifies dat you am much mo' sartin to be trowed outer de house for non-payment of rent dan you am to pick up a single nickle. "To dream that yon are ridin' a white boss past a red ba'n an' dat a gray-haired man comes oat and pints a bine embrella at you signifies dat de Hour har'l am emp ty, an' dat you had better hunt fur work. "To dream dat you sot on a fence an' saw a funeral perceshun go past, an' dat de man who drives de hearse has a glass eye, sig nifieis dat yon owe de grocer $3.75, an' have been dodgin' him fur de las' three months. "To dream of see in' a woman walkin' ober a creek on a suspension bride signifies dat your ole woman can't go to chnrch for de want of shoes. "Dar am lots of adder dreams dat means lots of udder lings, bat dese am fa'r sam ples of de lot. If dar am anybody in dis hall idiot 'nuff to believe dat he kin lay on his hack on an ole straw bed an' groan an' grunt an' dream six weeks inter de fucher now am de time fur him to pik up his hat an' bid us good-by ! "An' one fing mo' ; I understan' dat sar tin members of dis club am in de habit of seein' ghosts. I doan specify any names, but I wish to say to the whole convenshun dat de werry fust of you who sees a ghost or cotches sight of a spook will be cantered outer dis club so fast dat de tracks left be hind you on the sta'rs will be smokin' hot. We will now pick up de reglar pro gramma of de evenin' an' rash bizness." Women as Voters. At its session in 1880 the Legislature of Vermont passed a law providing that women might vote at school elections. This was construed to mean those women of voting age who paid an individual tax. Under this construction it is estimated that 15,000 women are entitled to vote. But the experience of threee years has proved that the number of women who have availed themselves of this privilege has been very small. The first year the law was in force only sixteen voted at Burling ton, the only large city in the State, out of 200 enrolled on the poll-lists. The second year only sixty-four registered and only five voted. The present year, when 314 names were on the poll-lists only eight voted. This ratio is said to hold through out the State. The Boston Women-suffra gists made a canvass of portions of the State this year, insisting that the women should come out and exercise their prerog ative, but in spite of this outside advice the privilege was almost entirely neglect ed. If the women of New England will not become voters when they can, where shall women voters be found ? The Girl Who Proves Up. [Grand Forks (Dab.) Herald.] Coming out of the land office Monday, a Herald reporter passed a group of three young ladies who had just "proved up" after six months' residence on claims. One could not help noticing, as the writer has often observed without noting before, how little the sex uusexes itself,and how great ly its best charms are enhanced, in the persons of these maidens, mostly from seventeen to twenty-five, who have gone through an ordeal of pioneer life on their own behalf, which would shame the luxury-loving and effeminate men of east ern cities. There is a conscious indepen dence in the erect and sturdy figure, in the firm elastic step, in the evidence of Nature's masterpiece of beauty—perfect health, in the clear bright eye, the cheek carmined with roses fresh from the pure heart-blood of young and blooming womanhood, and in the easy and graceful carriage in which there is nothing of the "girly-girl," but everything of the womanly woman. And with such a womanhood, Dakota may be sure that its coming generations will not shame the robust manhood of its pioneers. New Factory Law in Russia. Hitherto owners und managers of mills and factories in Russia have been free to «deal with their work people as they pleased. But on the first day of this year a new factory law came into operation for the regulation of the work of children. A complete staff of inspectors has been ap pointed to enforce the following stipula tions of the new law : 1. Children under ten years ol age must not he allowed to work in factories. 2. Workers from the age of twelve to fifteen years must not work more than eight hours a day. Night work for chil dren can only be authorized in establish ments where the process of manufacture cannot have a bad influence on the health. Even if allowed the work must not ex ceed four hours. 3. The work of children must be regu lated in such a way as not to prevent'their going to school three hours a day. 4. The owners of factories are obliged to admit inspectors and their assistants into their works at any hour of the day. Sawdust. An excellent use has been found for the enormous quantity of sawdust annually made in the lumber regions of our country. From the Popular Science News for Febru ary, 1884, we learn that illuminating gas is made lrom it. Any kind of sawdust can be used ; but that from resinous wood is preferable, and affords a larger yield of gas^ I rom 20,000 to 30,000 cubic feet of gas is obtained from a net ton of fnel. The wood gas has the advantage of containing no sulphur, is more easily purified than coal gas. and is said to be fully as good, while it is less expensive. The ordinary burners are used lor wood gas. Mill owners can Cinstruct chemical works to make their own gas. LIME-KILN CLUB. ; The Rt. Hon. Backboard Scruggs Lectures on Corns, Chilblains and "Sich." I would respeck fully announce," said Brother Gardner, as the triangle sounded its closing note, "dat de Rt. Hon. Buck board Scruggs am in de anty-room an' de siahs to deliber his celebrated lecktur' on de subjick of co'ns, chilblains, an' sich, Shall he be admitted an' purmitted ?" Judge Cadaver moved that the lecturer be invited to speak his piece, and the motion unanimously prevailed. The com mittee was requested to escort him in, and as he passed up the hall, bowing to the right and left, he seemed to be a man about 45 years old, bald-headed, a mouth large enough to take in a school-reader, with a prominent nose and a limp to his left leg. After being introduced he reached over and drank the pint of cold tea which Waydown Be bee had brought down for his individual use, and began : Felder Natives:— My objick in arovin heah at dis perrickler time am to discuss a matter dat clusly consarns de hull cull'd race oh dis kentry. De co'n seems ter be camiverous, omniverous, an' mighty fa miliar on short notice. It lies down wid de rich, gits up wid de poo', an' stands right by widout strikin' far higher wages. What causes co'ns? In olden times de co'n was supposed to he a speshnl mark ob good luck. De feller what could show six or sehen ob 'em on one heel was made gob 'nor ob a province an' allowed to keep half a dozen dogs. De little hunch was said to contain a pearl seventeen carrots fine, an' people went round cryin' an' lamentin' bekase dey had no co'ns. "In dese modem'days we say dat co'ns am caused by a temporary suspenshun ob de circalashun ob de blood, mixed wid more or less reakshun and abrashun. So fnr as we know de pears found on de inside can't be used fur fish baitjan' am darfo' a dead loss to de kentry. When you heah anyone gwine around cryin' you kin bet a spotted calf agin a peck ob dirt dat dey ain't weepin' fur co'ns. : ; 1 i 1 "De chilblain differs slightly from de co'n," continued the orator, dropping a troche into his month. "It doan' bunch up an' come to a head in one pertickler spot. While co'n am satisfied to cotch on to a toe an' hang dar fur a month or two, de chilblain comes purrin' round de heel, good-natured as an ole cat. It kinder tickels ye fur a day or two, an' yon step higher an' feel like takin' yo' ladder out ob de poo' house. But while you am wishin' you could buy 400 barrels of Hour fur 400 widders an orphans dat chilblain begins to hunt around fur mo' ground. Arter he kivers yer heel he creeps fox'd to de instep, skulks to de toes, an' fust you kuow you am huntin' for a bute-jack and a currycomb. He has come to 9tay all winter an' late into spring. You can't coax, hire nor scare him away 1 In olden days de chilblain was suppose to Arise from too much brains in de head. De man who had 'em was considered a sort of double-ender statesman, an' people looked up to his heels as well as his head. In dese times we know dat de chilblain am caused by a sort of spontaneous emblemat ical corruscashun of de epidermis at a crit ical period. All dat brains has to do in de ease am to invent a cure for de complaint. "I had intended to digress a few transla 8huns on de subject of bunions, bow-legs, sittin' down on a dog, an' pickin' up a 1 hot cent in front of a saloon, but I see dat de time allowed by your rules am almost dis pired. Let me add, in conclushun, dat I am provided wid a box of knives, gimlets, draw-knives, pick-axes, acids, pincers, an' razors, togeder wid a full supply of salves, plasters, wax an' so fo'th, an' arter de close of de meetin' I shall be pleased to experi ment on all members free of expense. I will now remark : Cum solis curanter plu ribus Cicere tremens similibus Gineral Jackson, and thank you for your heedless attentions to my unfeeling remarks." Outwitting a Fog. A scientist, while out in a boat one night on a river in Florida, was canght in a fog so dense that he could not see twenty feet ahead. The boatmen stopped rowing and said they would have to wait for daylight or till the fog cleared away, as they did not know in what direction to steer. The scient ist showed them what science can do for a man in an emergency. He says : "I at once stood up in the boat and hallooed. Soon the echo came back. Pointing in the direction from which the echo came I said : 'There is the nearest land.' "Rowing a half mile in the direction of the echo, we soon reached the land and 'coasted' home. The boatmen expressed great surprise that they had been on the river all their lives and had never thought of so simple and easy a plan to find the shore when lost in a fog. A knowledge of so simple a fact saved me many a dismal hour, night and day, too, on the river. Fishermen to whom I have communicated this have told me a knowledge of this would often have saved them from whole nights of useless toil, and would have saved them hundreds of dollars in their business. Steamboat pilots may also he benefited. I have seen them run ashore with the echo striking them in the teeth. During a fog the atmosphere is so saturated witu moisture that it is a much better con ductor of sound than when dry. "Two results follow : First, sound travels faster, and hence the, echo returns more speedily ; and second, the sound is heard more distinctly. "Remembering these two facts, a person with a little practice can soon determine the approximate distance of the nearest land or woods." Aaron Burr Charged With Embezzling a Southern Estate. IX. Y. World.] Mrs. Sarah Daisy Burroughs, probably the oldest resident of i this city, died last Thursday at her residence, No. 249 West Thirty-second street, aged 105 years. Be fore her death she told a remarkable story of alleged defalcation of Aaron Burr. The two aged surviving daughters of Mrs. Bur roughs corroborate their mother's story. The old lady was born in the house of her uncle, Gen. Philip Schuyler, corner of Wall and Nassau streets. Her husband was a captain in the war of 1812. Just previous to her death. Mrs. Burroughs says, she placed in the hands of Aaron Burr title deeds and papers to an estate in the South left her by her father, John Daisy. Short ly alter getting the papers Barr fought the celebrated duel with Hamilton and then disappeared, taking with him, it is said, all ! records in the case. Mrs. Burroughs was ! never able to recover any benefit from the estate and was forced to earn her living by ! dressmaking. Of course she attended the funeral of George Washington. ! Her daughters attribute their mother's : longevity to no system of correct living. ; She went to bed when she was sleepy, got up when she awoke, worked frequently all night, ate anything at any time when she was hungry, and taken all in all lived rather irregularly. She never used glasses and retained her eyesight to the last. She was buried in Evergreen Cemetery. A Powerful Poker Player. [gan Francisco Post.] The other day one of the heaviest players in this town, an ex-senator, pointed out a dapper-looking young man on the street, and said to a friend, with a sad sigh : "There'goes the biggest robber on record. He's a commercial drummer from New York. He was introduced to us fellows about a month ago and played poker three weeks running." "He won, eh ?" "No, he lost. You see, the great art in poker is to size up your opponent's play and to read his facial expression. This fellow didn't seem to play very well, and finally we got on to the fact that every time he was 'bluffing' he would smile and look con fident, while whenever he had threes or better he'd sigh and look frightened, just to coax us to bet, you, see." "Old dodge, that." "Exactly ; but listen. After we had dropped to his ways we went for him heavy and won two or three hundred dollars every night for a week and more. The other night we waited until he seemed ex ultant, and we went for him all round. Every time we raised him he'd dig up more coin somehow, and finally he put a check for $7,000 on top of the pile. We noticed that he tried desperately to force a smile and look happy, so we all called him. There were thirty-six thousand and odd on the table . I had three aces myself." "And then ?" "And then the infernal pirate showed down four kings. He had just reversed us, that was all." How He Won Her. [Philadelphia Call.] "Sir," said a young man entering an office in which was seated an old gentle man, "I am a stranger to you, though well acquainted with your daughter. But be fore demanding her hand in marriage I would like to ask you a few questions." "Certainly, sir ; proceed," "About how much are you worth ?" "Well, I should say that my fortune would cover three million dollars at least." "Quite a respectable amount. How is it invested ?" "United States bonds." "Ah, yes ; safe investment ; and the en tire amount will go to your daughter at your death ?" "Every cent of it." "Quite right. Well, I have had some little conversation with the young lady in regard to our forthcoming marriage, and she suggested that I had better mention the matter to you." "You are both very kind," replied the old gentleman meekly. "Would it be pre 8umptif>ua on my part if I were to ask you who yon are ?" "Certainly not, sir. You possess that right, undoubtedly. I am one of the directors of the New York Coaching Club and will drive third in line in our Fifth avenue parade next fall." The old gentleman struggled with his emotions for a moment and then, in broken voice, said: "She is yours, sir; she is yours." The Tall Jlan at the Dining Table. There is nothing more melancholly than a tall man standing at a dining table on an occasion of a solemn feast, like that closely following a marriage ceremony. Eating is solemn ; it is serious, and the tall man who stands and looks down at the table, which strikes him just above the knees, envies his short neighbor, who seems to have been fashioned expressly for such work. The tall man reaches down and takes up a piece of bread, and as he lifts it to his mouth he feels that the distance is very great, and that the action of lifting bread to such height must present a picture ex tremely ludicrous, not to say distressing. He chews the bread and looks around awhile to note the effect he is having on the company. Then he takes a piece of pickle and another piece of bread, and looks around. "Have some more of the ham," says the hostess, and he passes his plate. The work of cutting the meat is painful. He humps himself over like a buffalo, and feels like a fool. The other guests are enjoying themselves, and the short man has told a story that amuses the ladies very much. He takes a spoonful of mashed potatoes, and when he lifts up a fork-full he lets the mass tall. In his embarrassment he upsets a cup of coffee, which the hostess tells him makes no difference whatever, but which he knows does make a difference. He finishes the meal in such an unsatisfactory manner that he sutlers from indigestion daring the entire evening. A Smokeless Locomotive. After experimenting for many years, Dr. C. Holland has produced a locomotive engine that emits no smoke. It has been successully running on the Eastern rail road, between Boston and Portland, lor some weeks. Its tender has a water tank somewhat larger than the usual size, and within this a tank holding 9<X) gallons of crude naphtha. This and the water from the outer tank are forced by a donkey pump through small valves into four re torts under the boiler, and are there de composed, the oxygen of the steam uniting with the carlion of the oil at the great h eat, and leaving the hydrogen free. The fire can attain its highest degree of heat in ten minutes from the time it is lighted. The estimated cost of running an engine is six cents a mile—a saving ot about forty five per cent on the cost of coal. The oil is entirely consumed, and there is no es cape of 9moke and cinders. > Old Trees. Skilled aboricolturists say the yew tree has been known to reach the age of 3,200 years ; the Schubertia 3,000, cedar 2,000, oak 1,500, spruce 1,200, lime 1,100, oriental 1,000, walnut 900, olive and cypms 900, orange 630, maple 500, elm 300. WASHINGTON RELIGIONS. Church Predilections ol the President and Cabinet--Also of the Judges, Diplomats, Senators, Repre sentatives and Other Notables. [''Ruliamah" in Uiohe-Democrat.] In the Cabinet circle all religions meet. The President is a high-church Episcopal ian, although his father was a Baptist preacher, and his sisters are all members of that church. Secretary Folger is a Presby terian, and sits with the pastor's family at the New York Avenue Church, where Sec retary Frelinghuysen and his family and Postmaster General Gresham and his fam ily also attend. Secretary Lincoln, like his father, is a Presbyterian, but his wife is from a strong Methodist family, and they generally attend that church. Secretary Chandler and his family go to the Unitarian Church, and are of the ad vanced and liberal thinkers of that body. Attorney General Brewster and his family always worship at the Epiphany, the largest and most fashionable of the low church Episcopal congregations. Secretary Teller and his wife are very devout Meth dists. The President and all his attend ants are regular church-going people, and their families bear their proper share of the church work, and lead in many of the charitable enterprises. Chief Justice Waite's family attend the Epiphany Episcopal Church, Justice Miller goes to the Unitarian Church, and Justices Matthews, Bradley, Woods, and ex-Justice Strong are Presbyterians. The greater part of the members of the diplomatic corps are Catholics, and St. Matthews Church, at Fifteenth and H streets, is where they generally worship. The Ger man Minister and his wife, the Danish Minister and his wife, and the Swedish Minister and his wife are Lutherans, and attend the German and Memorial Churches here. This German Lutheran Church has always been the place of worship for one or more members of the German Legations, although at one time there was a vacancy in the legation pew, as Baron Gerolt, who was a Prussian Minister for thirty years, was a Catholic. Kaiser Wilhelm's brother was on the Prussian throne at the time the little Lutheran Church was started here, and he sent it a heavy communion service and paptismal cup of solid silver. The present British Minister and his family are the first in quite a list of pre decessors who are members of the Catholic Church. The Senators and Representatives be long to all denominations, the one point of unanimity being among the New England ers, the greater number of whom attend the Unitarian church. Senator Morrill and his family attend the Congregational church, where the Blaine family also wor ship. Admiral Porter's family go to the Epiphany Episcopal church, and Mrs. Sheridan and her family are devoted Cath olic s. With such a showing among the higher officials, and the influence which eminent examples always exert, one can see that Washington is tar from an irreligious com munity, and its church-going averages will more than compare with those of any other city. All creeds and beliefs are encoun tered at the Capital, and the true cosmo politan spirit engenders courtesy and tol erance between the most pronounced peo ple of the most diverse creeds and of no creeds at all. A Mad Storekeeper. [Detroit Free Press.] The other night a policeman who was patrolling Grand River avenue, and trying the doors of business houses, came to a grocery and found the door unlocked and the key in the lock. He sprang the bolt, put the key in his pocket, and sauntered on, and in the course of an hour he found opportunity to send word and the key to the house of the proprietor. He didn't ex pect any particular .praise for his action, but he was hardly prepared for the storm which soon swooped down upon him. The grocer himself, with battered hat, torn coat and two fingers bleeding, suddenly ap peared before him and said : "If I've any influence in this town I'll have you off the force inside of two days." "Why, what's the matter?" "Matter ? Ask me what's the matter. Oh, I'll fix you." "For what ? For finding your store un locked and sending the key to your house?" "Yes, sir. I was down there hunting up mustard for a sick child at home, aud what do you do bui lock me in and promenade off." "Is it possible?" "And there I've been for an hour or more, and would be yet if I hadn't crawled through a cellar window. Oh, I'll lay for you, old guardian of the peace." A New Alloy. The name aphthite, or unalterable, is givA to a valuable alloy made at Mar seilles, and which closely resembles gold in color and appearance. Its production is accomplished by placing in a crucible cop per as pure as possible, platinum, and tungstic acid, in certain proportions, and when the metals are completly melted they are stirred and granulated by run ning them into water containing 500 grams of slacked lime, and the same of carbonate of potash for every cubic metre of water ; this mixture dissolved in water renders the alloy still purer. The granulated metal is collected, dried, remelted, and a definite proportion of fine gold added. For jewelry the material is almost unsur passed. A Beyerage not Found in Idaho. [Bismarck Tribune.] A few days sin«-* 1 a stranger was eating in an Idaho hotel, and beckoning a waiter to him said : "Bring me a glass of water." "Sir?" And the nonplussed waiter looked at him curiously. . "Bring me a glass of water." The waiter went ont into the kitchen and soon returned and said: "Beg pardon, stranger, hut that last order of yours has slipped my memory. "What is it you want ?" "I—want—a—glass—of—water ! Do you understand that?" A bright idea struck the waiter and he rushed out to the bar. The barkeeper looked over the labels on every bottle in the honse, shook his head and said there wasn't a drop in stock. The waiter re turned to the gentleman and reported, whereupon the latter roared out : "You infernal idiot, don't yon under stand plain English ? I want a glass of water—water to drink—aed I want it— quick." In desperation the waiter Jhunted up the proprietor and told him the story. The landlord looked puzzled, and himself en tered the dining room and approached the stranger and, said : "Excuse me, sir, but my waiter is a little hard of hearing. I will take your order." "I ordered a glass of water—nothing but straight water." "I'm sorry," replied the landlord, "but I can't accommodate you. There is so little call lor those foreign drinks here that it doesn t pay to keep m. We've got some prime Kentucky whiskey in the bar, if you can get along on that " The stranger finished his meal in silence. Fairly Funny. An editorial righter—The proof reader. Going to seed —The canary bird. No, the Indian does not wear a feather headdress in order to keep his wigwam. Marriage is the natural lot of all things terrestrial. Even corns have to be pared now and again. At the barber's. "Is this the same razor I had yesterday ?' ; "Certainly, sir." "Ihen bring me the chloroform. A Virginia girl married a tramp who turned ont to be a dnke. We've no pity for her. She should have known what he was before she married him. "Give us a rest," said the bartender to the parties who were making a disturb ance. And when the big policeman came in he gave the other fellows arres 4 A facetious swell who danced with a couple of Chicago girls at a party recently, remarked that although he liked rings on bis fingers, he couldn't stand belles on his toes. A new style of telephone has been in vented by a Burlington man. It is said that its peculiarity consists in the fact that you talk through it. This, however, is doubted. "Shot dead by a doctor." Such is the startling caption of an article in an ex change. He must be a very unskillful phy sician who has to resort to powder and bal to get rid of a patient. Some idea of the great length of the Brooklyn bridge may be conveyed by the information that a Michigan Congressman at one end of it can't yell loud enough to be heard at the other end. A maiden lady of Kentucky has just completed a quilt containing thirty pieces, upon which she has been working for 15, 480 years. That looks wrong, but it cor responds with our memorandum. A sad story is this : A Newport man has a small boy whose name is Tod. The family call him Toddy, which has resulted most sadly—the frequent mention of the name in the presence of the kind father has crawled into his feelings to such a de gree that now he is a confirmed tippler. A Georgia girl is accredited with the surprising agility and rapidity of move ment which enables her to shear thirty sheep in forty minutes. That girl would make her husband's wool fly some if he neglected to get up at the proper moment and kindle the (ires or went off to work without sifting the ashes and bringing in the coal. Spring Mottoes. As the meeting opened the president an nounced that the following spring mottoes would be hung on the walls during the week : "Bay cash." "Deal ou de squar ." "Sell your dog." "No man kan sit ou de fence an' plant onions." "Time wasted am shillins lost out oh a hole in de pocket." "If it am pollyticks against 'taters, take de 'taters" "An hour wid a saw-buck am more val uable dan an hour wid a statesman." "De m?n in debt am a swimmer wid his butes ou." A Vassar College Girl ceipe. 's Bread Re [Chicago Saturday Herald.] "Bread," exclaimed a Vassar College girl. "Bread! Well, I should say I can make bread. We studied that in our first year. You see the yeast ferments and the gas thus formed permeates everywhere, and transforms the plastic material into a clear ly obvious atomic structure, and then—" "But what is the plastic material you speak of?" •'Oh ! that is commonly called the sponge." "But how do you make the sponge ?" "Why, you don't make it; the cook al ways tends to that. Then we test the sponge with the thermometer and hydro meter, and a lot of other instruments, the names of which I don't remember, and then hand it back to the cook, and I don't know what she does with it then, hut when it comes on the table it is just splendid." To Change the Track of Tornadoes A correspondent of the Scientific Ameri can proposes the following method for changing the track of tornadoes ; Take one keg or barrel of common rifle or can non powder to the limit of your city or town where it is approached by a tornado. Fix it to an artillery priming tube hav ing a string about one hundred yards long. Take your position at the end of the string, and if the charge is large enough, that gyrating, whirling tornado will he effectually blasted out of existence: at least made harmless till blown beyond your town, where, perhaps, it will reform itself. If the tornado could be advertised a few hours before its appearance, giving time for preparation, the suggestion might possibly be valuable. An Invention in Dentistry. A Geneva dentist has invented a new and ingenious process of tooth drawing. A square of India rublier, pierced with a cen tral hole, is pushed over the tooth till the upper part of the root is reached. The India rubber gradually contracts, pulls on the root, and the offending tooth is finally enucleated, without causing the patient any pain whatever. Four or five days are required to complete the operation. Very little bleeding and a slight swelling of the grin are the only inconvenience exper ienced.