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Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, March 20, 1884, Image 1

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Volume xviii.
Helena, Montana, Thursday, March 20, 1884.
<fl,e 111 reit ly ^jcralil.
R. £
Publishers und Proprietors.
Largest Circulation of any Paper in Montana
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** A FISK BKOH., Publishers,
Helena, Montana.
i Written for the Hkrald.]
• y- he tbinketb, so is he." The thought* of the
Are swift skillful sculptors—the truest in art.
Ut thoughts be hut noble, unselfish and grand,
They 11 carve out the future with unerring hand.
The forehead is fashioned by purposes deep,
Whether evil or good, its own secrete keep.
The eye with intelligence te ams, or is dull
Orows keenly sarcastic, or with sympathy full.
The sweet, rosy lips of youth's precious days
Arc shaiasd by the wnd in two different ways:
If gracious and happy, the story they'll tell ;
If sour and unhappy, they'll prove it as well.
More important than these are the lives that are
With unerring truth in the workshop of thought.
"As he thioketh. so is he''—notin features alone,
But in movement and action, in language and
If such is the power of omnipotent thought,
How carefully should rarest treasures be sought,
To store in the rnem'ry—fit artists to dwell
Within us. and mould lives and features as well.
March 12, ISM. DEL.
----- -«► *♦- ----
An idyl.
I saw her first on a day in spring ;
Py the side of a stream as I fished along,
And loitered to hear the robins sing.
And guessed at the secret they told in song.
The apple-blossoms, so white and red,
Were mirrored beneath in the streamlet's flow;
And the sky was blue far overhead,
And far in tl>e depths of the brook below.
1 lay half hid by a mossy stone
And looked in the water for flower and sky.
I heard a step—I was not alone :
And the vision of loveliness met my eye.
! saw her conic to the other side.
And the apple blossoms were not more fair;
She stoj>j>ed to ga/.e in the sunlit tide,
And her eyes met mine in the water there
She stopped in timid and mute surprise.
And that look might have lasted till now, I
ween ;
But modestly dropping lier dove-like eyes.
She turned her away to the meadow green.
I stood in wonder and rapture lost
At her slender form and her steep so free,
At her raven locks by the breezes tossed
As she kicked up lier heels in the air for glee.
The apple blossoms are withered now.
But the sky, and the meadow, and stream are
And whenever I wander that way I vow
flint some day J'll buy me that little black
A guest at a fashinable watering place hotel,
having a longing for eggs at his matutinal meal,
t.iid being informed by the sable attendant upon
the table tliHt there were none, perpetrated the
following :
To those who 'neath this table thrust their legs
1 proffer this advice—don't ask for eggs;
For eggs just now are not within their means.
Try something that is cheaper—pork and beans.
Or if perchance this dish should fail to please,
Try something cheaper still, say bread and
cheese ;
Or what would letter suit—don't eat at all.
At least until the markets have a fali.
If you opine that you can 1 letter fare,
The privilege is yours to go elsewhere.
'1 o inti its guests, the house can ill afford.
But all the same, you pay four dollars board.
The jigjog wings on the cradleberry bough,
The mollyeod pines on the lea ;
I lie tittle hat squirbles his love-liorii vow,
Bo, so, dearest maid, I love thee.
Do« ii where the crocodile smiles in the sun,
There, there darling kid should we flee:
And oh ! like the winkywunk when the day is
I skittle if I tottle not thee.
* he felis bug gurgles his song in the air.
The organ lugger trills for you and me ;
The perrvgraui skiddles the old arm chair,
Thus, thus Dalmanutha, love I thee.
And oh ' Onesiphorus, the old brown mare
1- "paving for love, as also we ;
And up where the minister waits in his lair,
I "hall giggle if 1 skedaddle not with thee.
"texik here, young man," the Kaiser said,
Are you der King or I ?''
Prince Bismarck humbly bowed his head,
You vas der King. But vv ?"
I ten if I vas der King vat for
You put on all der airs,
1 nd get der coundry into war
I'nd run der whole affairs?
"Vnt for you write flot letters
1 >er l.asker pissness, eh?
You heckler look a leedle out—
I snatch you bald some day.'
Oh, the tiny little ants !
How they clamber up our pants
At the picnic 'neath the willow in the glen !
How they seem to take delight in
The obnoxious sport of bitin'
Indefensible and modest gentlemen!
It's delightful, when ones cooing
To the damsel he is wooing.
To feel the playful creature in his pants !
Vnd upon the perfumed air
He throbs a soulful swear
At "his sisters and his cousins and his ants."
Oh, it sets the brain a throbbing
To feel these insects bobbing
I p and flow n our system in their merry glee !
There's one way you can right 'em.
And that is flee and light 'em,
Neath the shadow of some distant, friendly tree.
Tis hard to get rid of a délit.
A birthmark, a£wart or a gout—
A iiang-nail. a corn or sty
I« a difficult thing to knock out.
Tte* seven-year itch is no slouch,
And the tu ml, who has never a cent
i* constant and stays with a man
i. «til all his money is spent.
But with calmest contentment and ease
W e on all these little things look.
And prefer them, en masse, to that pest,
A femule who s selling a book.
Hou a Texas Editor Was Blackmailed
by a Voting Woman.
[Texas Siftings.]
While "The Topics of the Times'' editor
ol Texas Siftings was peering curiously
into the paste-post and wondering how
they made diamonds out of such stuff there
was a faint feminine rap at the door. The
massive intellect ceased its scientific spec
ulations and the owner of the m. i. but
toned his cardigan jacket, scattered some
of his hair over his bald spot, like thin
bedding for an imaginary horse, and open
ed the door.
A young and beautiful lady tripped in.
She also tripped over a plug of navy tobac
co by the book reviewer. The "topics"
man tried to catch her in his arms, but she
eluded him with a coy little "kangaroo
dip," and sat down on a pile of books.
"We are getting up a church festival,"
said the young lady.
"Strike me light," said the typical youth,
"it s five days now till Saturday night."
"Oh, it's not money that we want," chir
ruped the maiden.
"Not money ? Then its my life ! Bat
consider; I am so young, so fresh, so
"No, no," said the fair one, "I did not
come here lor the purpose of extorting
wealth. Of course we want money, but
w e propose to get it—to get it legitimately
—we are going to have a church festival
for that purpose."
"So you said—don't lock the door."
The last remark was wrung from the
trembling topics man by a sudden move
ment on the part of the damsel, resulting
only in the readjustment of her position
on the books.
"Foolish boy," said the young lady, tap
ping a pair of No. 2 bootlets with her par
asol, "how timid you are. Well, what do
you think of our plan ?"
"Big scheme. What is it ?"
"Why, it's only an ordinary chnrch fes
tival, and we want yonr assistance."
"What can I do ? I don't sing, act, do
comic recitations, and I can't wash dishes,
make coffee or hnsk oysters. I should
only be in the way."
"No, but we want you for a particular
"Perhaps you want to make a barbecue
of me. Try some of the young theological
students who are going out as mission
"No, we want you to deal."
"Deal !"
"Yes ; faro, you kuow. We have got the
foreman of the composing-room to deal
monte, the chashier of the First National
is going to run the chuck-luck lake, and
Deacon Priggins has consented to superin
tend a quiet game of high-ball poker and
rope in the railroad magnates and a couple
of congressmen who are paired with some
body and home on a furlough. I shall
conduct the grab-bag, and I've got it fixed
so that everybody will draw a blank, and
it will lie all profit. Now, if you can deal
faro, so that the more a man puts down
the less he takes up, we have got 'em,"
and the young lady snapped her teeth to
gether like a hunting-case watch.
"My gracious! miss, I don't know one
card from-"
"Oh. yes you do. Where were you last
uight about 9:30?"
"Me ? I was sitting up with a sick
"Yes, I know you were. You made him
sick to the tone of $75. Where were you
night before last ?"
"I was-"
"No ; you were not—not what you were
going to say. We have had spotters out
for the past two weeks, and you have been
shadowed. We do not propose to give you
away if you are at all tractable. Yon
know that you are a splendid faro dealer,
and we want you to come and deal for the
church. Come out from the toils and
meshes of Satan and deal for the good
cause. Come over to our side and deal for
the pure, the good and the beautiful. And
(here the divine creature sank her rich,
fiute-like voice to a mere whisper) there
are going to be lots of drummers and rail
road boys there, and we propose to send
them home in their stocking feet. It will
be the biggest thing in the way of church
lotteries you ever saw. Now, will you
come over to our side, or shall I have to
expose you?"
It was a clear case of blackmail, and the
miserable youth was caught in the toils.
He went like a little man.
The Fascinating Widow.
A writer in Harper's observes that the
feminine mind is often not a little puz
zled to understand why the fascinations of
a w idow are so much more potent than
those of a single gathering; why it is that
in every gathering the widow will carry
off the partners from under the very nose
of the spinster who is in the very flower—
wall-flower—of her youth. Does she speak
with the tongues of men and angels more
than the rest of us? Is she better bred?
Does she flatter with more skill or dress
with more effect? Is she prettier, they
ask, perhaps, Is it the jointure left by her
Marquis of Carabas, or because she has
been endorsed by a lord of creation ? Or ; s
it the shadow 7 of an early grief which at
tracts, or the exhibition of a most beautiful
resignation ? In the young girl's estimate
the suttee was the right course for a
widow. Ought not the only tiame left for
her be that of the funeral pyre? And is
there not something ungenerous, she asks,
in a world where husbands are scarce for a
woman to appropriate more than one ? Is
it not a sort of denial of immortality ? But
the young girl is told that these are the
fine-spun feelings of a sentimentalist, that
the widow does right to live in the world,
and not, like Old Mortality, among graves.
Very possibly she may not wish to marry
again, but she may not have buried all her
little vanities, her love of admiration, her
interest in human kind, especially man
kind, in the grave with her husband. Is
it her fault if the men prefer her society ?
Perhaps it is her very indifference, having
pleased one man whether others are pleased
or not, that is irresistible, or the confidence
which that fact gives. Perhaps it is be
cause she never preaches to them over
sowelxxly else 's shoulder ; because tobacco
smoke does not affect her ; because she is
not afraid to show her interest ; because,
knowing their weakness, she yet likes
their society ; because her unprotected po
sition and her becoming weeds appeal to
the manly heart ; or because she has
learned tac t in the scrimmage with her
husband's relations. Perhaps, through
having loved and lost, she has touched a
wider gamut of emotions, and her exper
ience has made her more interesting than
the callow girl. Doubtless society needs
widows just as much as it does single
women and married people to give a spice
and variety to life, and it would be a thou
8311(1 P ities if tlie Hindoo custom were to
t:otne in \ogue in our day and deprive some
\ 01 U8 3 grievance.
Brotber Gardner on Dreams.
[Detroit Free Press.
"Now, gem'len, I had a few remarks to
git off some two ya'rs ago on the subjick
of dreams, an' I desiah to express a few
mo." I am giben to understan' dat some
of our most prominent members believe
in dreams an' shape deir coarse accordin.'
Ize an old man, and Ize had about a millyon
dreams since I begun bizness. Dar's sun
thin' in 'em, but not much.
"To dream that you is crossin' a muddy
stream to steal turnips signifies dat you
had better go to work and airn some taters.
"To dream dat yon are trabblin' 'long a
dusty highway an' lookin' for a lost pock
et-book wid $50 in it signifies dat you am
much mo' sartin to be trowed outer de
house for non-payment of rent dan you am
to pick up a single nickle.
"To dream that yon are ridin' a white
boss past a red ba'n an' dat a gray-haired
man comes oat and pints a bine embrella
at you signifies dat de Hour har'l am emp
ty, an' dat you had better hunt fur work.
"To dream dat you sot on a fence an' saw
a funeral perceshun go past, an' dat de man
who drives de hearse has a glass eye, sig
nifieis dat yon owe de grocer $3.75, an'
have been dodgin' him fur de las' three
"To dream of see in' a woman walkin'
ober a creek on a suspension bride signifies
dat your ole woman can't go to chnrch for
de want of shoes.
"Dar am lots of adder dreams dat means
lots of udder lings, bat dese am fa'r sam
ples of de lot. If dar am anybody in dis
hall idiot 'nuff to believe dat he kin lay
on his hack on an ole straw bed an' groan
an' grunt an' dream six weeks inter de
fucher now am de time fur him to pik up
his hat an' bid us good-by !
"An' one fing mo' ; I understan' dat sar
tin members of dis club am in de habit of
seein' ghosts. I doan specify any names,
but I wish to say to the whole convenshun
dat de werry fust of you who sees a ghost
or cotches sight of a spook will be cantered
outer dis club so fast dat de tracks left be
hind you on the sta'rs will be smokin' hot.
We will now pick up de reglar pro
gramma of de evenin' an' rash bizness."
Women as Voters.
At its session in 1880 the Legislature of
Vermont passed a law providing that
women might vote at school elections.
This was construed to mean those women
of voting age who paid an individual tax.
Under this construction it is estimated that
15,000 women are entitled to vote. But
the experience of threee years has proved
that the number of women who have
availed themselves of this privilege has
been very small. The first year the law
was in force only sixteen voted at Burling
ton, the only large city in the State, out of
200 enrolled on the poll-lists. The second
year only sixty-four registered and only
five voted. The present year, when 314
names were on the poll-lists only eight
voted. This ratio is said to hold through
out the State. The Boston Women-suffra
gists made a canvass of portions of the
State this year, insisting that the women
should come out and exercise their prerog
ative, but in spite of this outside advice
the privilege was almost entirely neglect
ed. If the women of New England will
not become voters when they can, where
shall women voters be found ?
The Girl Who Proves Up.
[Grand Forks (Dab.) Herald.]
Coming out of the land office Monday, a
Herald reporter passed a group of three
young ladies who had just "proved up"
after six months' residence on claims. One
could not help noticing, as the writer has
often observed without noting before, how
little the sex uusexes itself,and how great
ly its best charms are enhanced, in the
persons of these maidens, mostly from
seventeen to twenty-five, who have gone
through an ordeal of pioneer life on their
own behalf, which would shame the
luxury-loving and effeminate men of east
ern cities. There is a conscious indepen
dence in the erect and sturdy figure, in the
firm elastic step, in the evidence of Nature's
masterpiece of beauty—perfect health, in
the clear bright eye, the cheek carmined
with roses fresh from the pure heart-blood
of young and blooming womanhood, and
in the easy and graceful carriage in which
there is nothing of the "girly-girl," but
everything of the womanly woman. And
with such a womanhood, Dakota may be
sure that its coming generations will not
shame the robust manhood of its pioneers.
New Factory Law in Russia.
Hitherto owners und managers of mills
and factories in Russia have been free to
«deal with their work people as they
pleased. But on the first day of this year
a new factory law came into operation for
the regulation of the work of children. A
complete staff of inspectors has been ap
pointed to enforce the following stipula
tions of the new law :
1. Children under ten years ol age must
not he allowed to work in factories.
2. Workers from the age of twelve to
fifteen years must not work more than
eight hours a day. Night work for chil
dren can only be authorized in establish
ments where the process of manufacture
cannot have a bad influence on the health.
Even if allowed the work must not ex
ceed four hours.
3. The work of children must be regu
lated in such a way as not to prevent'their
going to school three hours a day.
4. The owners of factories are obliged to
admit inspectors and their assistants into
their works at any hour of the day.
An excellent use has been found for the
enormous quantity of sawdust annually
made in the lumber regions of our country.
From the Popular Science News for Febru
ary, 1884, we learn that illuminating gas is
made lrom it. Any kind of sawdust can
be used ; but that from resinous wood is
preferable, and affords a larger yield of gas^
I rom 20,000 to 30,000 cubic feet of gas is
obtained from a net ton of fnel. The wood
gas has the advantage of containing no
sulphur, is more easily purified than coal
gas. and is said to be fully as good, while it
is less expensive. The ordinary burners
are used lor wood gas. Mill owners can
Cinstruct chemical works to make their
own gas.
; The Rt. Hon. Backboard Scruggs
Lectures on Corns, Chilblains
and "Sich."
I would respeck fully announce," said
Brother Gardner, as the triangle sounded
its closing note, "dat de Rt. Hon. Buck
board Scruggs am in de anty-room an' de
siahs to deliber his celebrated lecktur' on
de subjick of co'ns, chilblains, an' sich,
Shall he be admitted an' purmitted ?"
Judge Cadaver moved that the lecturer
be invited to speak his piece, and the
motion unanimously prevailed. The com
mittee was requested to escort him in, and
as he passed up the hall, bowing to the
right and left, he seemed to be a man
about 45 years old, bald-headed, a mouth
large enough to take in a school-reader,
with a prominent nose and a limp to his
left leg. After being introduced he
reached over and drank the pint of cold
tea which Waydown Be bee had brought
down for his individual use, and began :
Felder Natives:— My objick in arovin
heah at dis perrickler time am to discuss
a matter dat clusly consarns de hull cull'd
race oh dis kentry. De co'n seems ter be
camiverous, omniverous, an' mighty fa
miliar on short notice. It lies down wid
de rich, gits up wid de poo', an' stands
right by widout strikin' far higher wages.
What causes co'ns? In olden times de
co'n was supposed to he a speshnl mark ob
good luck. De feller what could show six
or sehen ob 'em on one heel was made gob
'nor ob a province an' allowed to keep half
a dozen dogs. De little hunch was said to
contain a pearl seventeen carrots fine, an'
people went round cryin' an' lamentin'
bekase dey had no co'ns.
"In dese modem'days we say dat co'ns am
caused by a temporary suspenshun ob de
circalashun ob de blood, mixed wid more
or less reakshun and abrashun. So fnr as
we know de pears found on de inside can't
be used fur fish baitjan' am darfo' a dead
loss to de kentry. When you heah anyone
gwine around cryin' you kin bet a spotted
calf agin a peck ob dirt dat dey ain't
weepin' fur co'ns.
"De chilblain differs slightly from de
co'n," continued the orator, dropping a
troche into his month. "It doan' bunch
up an' come to a head in one pertickler
spot. While co'n am satisfied to cotch on
to a toe an' hang dar fur a month or two,
de chilblain comes purrin' round de heel,
good-natured as an ole cat. It kinder
tickels ye fur a day or two, an' yon step
higher an' feel like takin' yo' ladder out ob
de poo' house. But while you am wishin'
you could buy 400 barrels of Hour fur 400
widders an orphans dat chilblain
begins to hunt around fur mo' ground.
Arter he kivers yer heel he creeps
fox'd to de instep, skulks to de
toes, an' fust you kuow you am huntin'
for a bute-jack and a currycomb. He has
come to 9tay all winter an' late into spring.
You can't coax, hire nor scare him away 1
In olden days de chilblain was suppose to
Arise from too much brains in de head. De
man who had 'em was considered a sort of
double-ender statesman, an' people looked
up to his heels as well as his head. In
dese times we know dat de chilblain am
caused by a sort of spontaneous emblemat
ical corruscashun of de epidermis at a crit
ical period. All dat brains has to do in de
ease am to invent a cure for de complaint.
"I had intended to digress a few transla
8huns on de subject of bunions, bow-legs,
sittin' down on a dog, an' pickin' up a 1 hot
cent in front of a saloon, but I see dat de
time allowed by your rules am almost dis
pired. Let me add, in conclushun, dat I
am provided wid a box of knives, gimlets,
draw-knives, pick-axes, acids, pincers, an'
razors, togeder wid a full supply of salves,
plasters, wax an' so fo'th, an' arter de close
of de meetin' I shall be pleased to experi
ment on all members free of expense. I
will now remark : Cum solis curanter plu
ribus Cicere tremens similibus Gineral
Jackson, and thank you for your heedless
attentions to my unfeeling remarks."
Outwitting a Fog.
A scientist, while out in a boat one night
on a river in Florida, was canght in a fog
so dense that he could not see twenty feet
ahead. The boatmen stopped rowing and
said they would have to wait for daylight
or till the fog cleared away, as they did
not know in what direction to steer. The
scient ist showed them what science can do
for a man in an emergency. He says : "I
at once stood up in the boat and hallooed.
Soon the echo came back. Pointing in the
direction from which the echo came I said :
'There is the nearest land.'
"Rowing a half mile in the direction of
the echo, we soon reached the land and
'coasted' home. The boatmen expressed
great surprise that they had been on the
river all their lives and had never thought
of so simple and easy a plan to find the
shore when lost in a fog. A knowledge of
so simple a fact saved me many a dismal
hour, night and day, too, on the river.
Fishermen to whom I have communicated
this have told me a knowledge of this
would often have saved them from whole
nights of useless toil, and would have
saved them hundreds of dollars in their
business. Steamboat pilots may also he
benefited. I have seen them run ashore
with the echo striking them in the teeth.
During a fog the atmosphere is so saturated
witu moisture that it is a much better con
ductor of sound than when dry.
"Two results follow : First, sound travels
faster, and hence the, echo returns more
speedily ; and second, the sound is heard
more distinctly.
"Remembering these two facts, a person
with a little practice can soon determine
the approximate distance of the nearest
land or woods."
Aaron Burr Charged With Embezzling
a Southern Estate.
IX. Y. World.]
Mrs. Sarah Daisy Burroughs, probably
the oldest resident of i this city, died last
Thursday at her residence, No. 249 West
Thirty-second street, aged 105 years. Be
fore her death she told a remarkable story
of alleged defalcation of Aaron Burr. The
two aged surviving daughters of Mrs. Bur
roughs corroborate their mother's story.
The old lady was born in the house of
her uncle, Gen. Philip Schuyler, corner of
Wall and Nassau streets. Her husband
was a captain in the war of 1812. Just
previous to her death. Mrs. Burroughs says,
she placed in the hands of Aaron Burr title
deeds and papers to an estate in the South
left her by her father, John Daisy. Short
ly alter getting the papers Barr fought the
celebrated duel with Hamilton and then
disappeared, taking with him, it is said, all
! records in the case. Mrs. Burroughs was
! never able to recover any benefit from the
estate and was forced to earn her living by
! dressmaking. Of course she attended the
funeral of George Washington.
! Her daughters attribute their mother's
: longevity to no system of correct living.
; She went to bed when she was sleepy, got
up when she awoke, worked frequently all
night, ate anything at any time when she
was hungry, and taken all in all lived
rather irregularly. She never used glasses
and retained her eyesight to the last. She
was buried in Evergreen Cemetery.
A Powerful Poker Player.
[gan Francisco Post.]
The other day one of the heaviest players
in this town, an ex-senator, pointed out a
dapper-looking young man on the street,
and said to a friend, with a sad sigh :
"There'goes the biggest robber on record.
He's a commercial drummer from New
York. He was introduced to us fellows
about a month ago and played poker three
weeks running."
"He won, eh ?"
"No, he lost. You see, the great art in
poker is to size up your opponent's play and
to read his facial expression. This fellow
didn't seem to play very well, and finally
we got on to the fact that every time he
was 'bluffing' he would smile and look con
fident, while whenever he had threes or
better he'd sigh and look frightened, just
to coax us to bet, you, see."
"Old dodge, that."
"Exactly ; but listen. After we had
dropped to his ways we went for him heavy
and won two or three hundred dollars
every night for a week and more. The
other night we waited until he seemed ex
ultant, and we went for him all round.
Every time we raised him he'd dig up more
coin somehow, and finally he put a check
for $7,000 on top of the pile. We noticed
that he tried desperately to force a smile
and look happy, so we all called him.
There were thirty-six thousand and odd on
the table . I had three aces myself."
"And then ?"
"And then the infernal pirate showed
down four kings. He had just reversed us,
that was all."
How He Won Her.
[Philadelphia Call.]
"Sir," said a young man entering an
office in which was seated an old gentle
man, "I am a stranger to you, though well
acquainted with your daughter. But be
fore demanding her hand in marriage I
would like to ask you a few questions."
"Certainly, sir ; proceed,"
"About how much are you worth ?"
"Well, I should say that my fortune
would cover three million dollars at least."
"Quite a respectable amount. How is it
invested ?"
"United States bonds."
"Ah, yes ; safe investment ; and the en
tire amount will go to your daughter at
your death ?"
"Every cent of it."
"Quite right. Well, I have had some
little conversation with the young lady in
regard to our forthcoming marriage, and
she suggested that I had better mention
the matter to you."
"You are both very kind," replied the
old gentleman meekly. "Would it be pre
8umptif>ua on my part if I were to ask
you who yon are ?"
"Certainly not, sir. You possess that
right, undoubtedly. I am one of the
directors of the New York Coaching Club
and will drive third in line in our Fifth
avenue parade next fall."
The old gentleman struggled with his
emotions for a moment and then, in broken
voice, said: "She is yours, sir; she is
The Tall Jlan at the Dining Table.
There is nothing more melancholly than
a tall man standing at a dining table on an
occasion of a solemn feast, like that closely
following a marriage ceremony. Eating is
solemn ; it is serious, and the tall man who
stands and looks down at the table, which
strikes him just above the knees, envies
his short neighbor, who seems to have
been fashioned expressly for such work.
The tall man reaches down and takes up a
piece of bread, and as he lifts it to his
mouth he feels that the distance is very
great, and that the action of lifting bread
to such height must present a picture ex
tremely ludicrous, not to say distressing.
He chews the bread and looks around
awhile to note the effect he is having on
the company. Then he takes a piece of
pickle and another piece of bread, and
looks around.
"Have some more of the ham," says the
hostess, and he passes his plate. The work
of cutting the meat is painful. He humps
himself over like a buffalo, and feels like
a fool. The other guests are enjoying
themselves, and the short man has told a
story that amuses the ladies very much.
He takes a spoonful of mashed potatoes,
and when he lifts up a fork-full he lets the
mass tall. In his embarrassment he upsets
a cup of coffee, which the hostess tells him
makes no difference whatever, but which
he knows does make a difference. He
finishes the meal in such an unsatisfactory
manner that he sutlers from indigestion
daring the entire evening.
A Smokeless Locomotive.
After experimenting for many years, Dr.
C. Holland has produced a locomotive
engine that emits no smoke. It has been
successully running on the Eastern rail
road, between Boston and Portland, lor
some weeks. Its tender has a water tank
somewhat larger than the usual size, and
within this a tank holding 9<X) gallons of
crude naphtha. This and the water from
the outer tank are forced by a donkey
pump through small valves into four re
torts under the boiler, and are there de
composed, the oxygen of the steam uniting
with the carlion of the oil at the great h eat,
and leaving the hydrogen free. The fire
can attain its highest degree of heat in
ten minutes from the time it is lighted.
The estimated cost of running an engine is
six cents a mile—a saving ot about forty
five per cent on the cost of coal. The oil
is entirely consumed, and there is no es
cape of 9moke and cinders. >
Old Trees.
Skilled aboricolturists say the yew tree
has been known to reach the age of 3,200
years ; the Schubertia 3,000, cedar 2,000,
oak 1,500, spruce 1,200, lime 1,100, oriental
1,000, walnut 900, olive and cypms 900,
orange 630, maple 500, elm 300.
Church Predilections ol the President
and Cabinet--Also of the Judges,
Diplomats, Senators, Repre
sentatives and Other
[''Ruliamah" in Uiohe-Democrat.]
In the Cabinet circle all religions meet.
The President is a high-church Episcopal
ian, although his father was a Baptist
preacher, and his sisters are all members of
that church. Secretary Folger is a Presby
terian, and sits with the pastor's family at
the New York Avenue Church, where Sec
retary Frelinghuysen and his family and
Postmaster General Gresham and his fam
ily also attend. Secretary Lincoln, like his
father, is a Presbyterian, but his wife is
from a strong Methodist family,
and they generally attend that church.
Secretary Chandler and his family go to
the Unitarian Church, and are of the ad
vanced and liberal thinkers of that body.
Attorney General Brewster and his family
always worship at the Epiphany, the
largest and most fashionable of the low
church Episcopal congregations. Secretary
Teller and his wife are very devout Meth
dists. The President and all his attend
ants are regular church-going people, and
their families bear their proper share of
the church work, and lead in many of the
charitable enterprises.
Chief Justice Waite's family attend the
Epiphany Episcopal Church, Justice Miller
goes to the Unitarian Church, and Justices
Matthews, Bradley, Woods, and ex-Justice
Strong are Presbyterians. The greater
part of the members of the diplomatic
corps are Catholics, and St. Matthews
Church, at Fifteenth and H streets, is
where they generally worship. The Ger
man Minister and his wife, the Danish
Minister and his wife, and the Swedish
Minister and his wife are Lutherans, and
attend the German and Memorial Churches
here. This German Lutheran Church has
always been the place of worship for one
or more members of the German Legations,
although at one time there was a vacancy
in the legation pew, as Baron Gerolt, who
was a Prussian Minister for thirty years,
was a Catholic. Kaiser Wilhelm's brother
was on the Prussian throne at the time
the little Lutheran Church was started
here, and he sent it a heavy communion
service and paptismal cup of solid silver.
The present British Minister and his
family are the first in quite a list of pre
decessors who are members of the Catholic
The Senators and Representatives be
long to all denominations, the one point of
unanimity being among the New England
ers, the greater number of whom attend
the Unitarian church. Senator Morrill
and his family attend the Congregational
church, where the Blaine family also wor
ship. Admiral Porter's family go to the
Epiphany Episcopal church, and Mrs.
Sheridan and her family are devoted Cath
olic s.
With such a showing among the higher
officials, and the influence which eminent
examples always exert, one can see that
Washington is tar from an irreligious com
munity, and its church-going averages will
more than compare with those of any other
city. All creeds and beliefs are encoun
tered at the Capital, and the true cosmo
politan spirit engenders courtesy and tol
erance between the most pronounced peo
ple of the most diverse creeds and of no
creeds at all.
A Mad Storekeeper.
[Detroit Free Press.]
The other night a policeman who was
patrolling Grand River avenue, and trying
the doors of business houses, came to a
grocery and found the door unlocked and
the key in the lock. He sprang the bolt,
put the key in his pocket, and sauntered
on, and in the course of an hour he found
opportunity to send word and the key to
the house of the proprietor. He didn't ex
pect any particular .praise for his action,
but he was hardly prepared for the storm
which soon swooped down upon him. The
grocer himself, with battered hat, torn coat
and two fingers bleeding, suddenly ap
peared before him and said :
"If I've any influence in this town I'll
have you off the force inside of two days."
"Why, what's the matter?"
"Matter ? Ask me what's the matter.
Oh, I'll fix you."
"For what ? For finding your store un
locked and sending the key to your house?"
"Yes, sir. I was down there hunting up
mustard for a sick child at home, aud what
do you do bui lock me in and promenade
"Is it possible?"
"And there I've been for an hour or
more, and would be yet if I hadn't crawled
through a cellar window. Oh, I'll lay for
you, old guardian of the peace."
A New Alloy.
The name aphthite, or unalterable, is
givA to a valuable alloy made at Mar
seilles, and which closely resembles gold
in color and appearance. Its production is
accomplished by placing in a crucible cop
per as pure as possible, platinum, and
tungstic acid, in certain proportions, and
when the metals are completly melted
they are stirred and granulated by run
ning them into water containing 500 grams
of slacked lime, and the same of carbonate
of potash for every cubic metre of water ;
this mixture dissolved in water renders
the alloy still purer. The granulated
metal is collected, dried, remelted, and a
definite proportion of fine gold added.
For jewelry the material is almost unsur
A Beyerage not Found in Idaho.
[Bismarck Tribune.]
A few days sin«-* 1 a stranger was eating
in an Idaho hotel, and beckoning a waiter
to him said :
"Bring me a glass of water."
"Sir?" And the nonplussed waiter
looked at him curiously.
. "Bring me a glass of water."
The waiter went ont into the kitchen
and soon returned and said:
"Beg pardon, stranger, hut that last
order of yours has slipped my memory.
"What is it you want ?"
"I—want—a—glass—of—water ! Do you
understand that?"
A bright idea struck the waiter and he
rushed out to the bar. The barkeeper
looked over the labels on every bottle in
the honse, shook his head and said there
wasn't a drop in stock. The waiter re
turned to the gentleman and reported,
whereupon the latter roared out :
"You infernal idiot, don't yon under
stand plain English ? I want a glass of
water—water to drink—aed I want it—
In desperation the waiter Jhunted up the
proprietor and told him the story. The
landlord looked puzzled, and himself en
tered the dining room and approached the
stranger and, said :
"Excuse me, sir, but my waiter is a little
hard of hearing. I will take your order."
"I ordered a glass of water—nothing but
straight water."
"I'm sorry," replied the landlord, "but I
can't accommodate you. There is so little
call lor those foreign drinks here that it
doesn t pay to keep m. We've got some
prime Kentucky whiskey in the bar, if you
can get along on that "
The stranger finished his meal in silence.
Fairly Funny.
An editorial righter—The proof reader.
Going to seed —The canary bird.
No, the Indian does not wear a feather
headdress in order to keep his wigwam.
Marriage is the natural lot of all things
terrestrial. Even corns have to be pared
now and again.
At the barber's. "Is this the same razor
I had yesterday ?' ; "Certainly, sir." "Ihen
bring me the chloroform.
A Virginia girl married a tramp who
turned ont to be a dnke. We've no pity
for her. She should have known what he
was before she married him.
"Give us a rest," said the bartender to
the parties who were making a disturb
ance. And when the big policeman came
in he gave the other fellows arres 4
A facetious swell who danced with a
couple of Chicago girls at a party recently,
remarked that although he liked rings on
bis fingers, he couldn't stand belles on his
A new style of telephone has been in
vented by a Burlington man. It is said
that its peculiarity consists in the fact that
you talk through it. This, however, is
"Shot dead by a doctor." Such is the
startling caption of an article in an ex
change. He must be a very unskillful phy
sician who has to resort to powder and bal
to get rid of a patient.
Some idea of the great length of the
Brooklyn bridge may be conveyed by the
information that a Michigan Congressman
at one end of it can't yell loud enough to
be heard at the other end.
A maiden lady of Kentucky has just
completed a quilt containing thirty pieces,
upon which she has been working for 15,
480 years. That looks wrong, but it cor
responds with our memorandum.
A sad story is this : A Newport man
has a small boy whose name is Tod. The
family call him Toddy, which has resulted
most sadly—the frequent mention of the
name in the presence of the kind father
has crawled into his feelings to such a de
gree that now he is a confirmed tippler.
A Georgia girl is accredited with the
surprising agility and rapidity of move
ment which enables her to shear thirty
sheep in forty minutes. That girl would
make her husband's wool fly some if he
neglected to get up at the proper moment
and kindle the (ires or went off to work
without sifting the ashes and bringing in
the coal.
Spring Mottoes.
As the meeting opened the president an
nounced that the following spring mottoes
would be hung on the walls during the
week :
"Bay cash."
"Deal ou de squar ."
"Sell your dog."
"No man kan sit ou de fence an' plant
"Time wasted am shillins lost out oh a
hole in de pocket."
"If it am pollyticks against 'taters, take
de 'taters"
"An hour wid a saw-buck am more val
uable dan an hour wid a statesman."
"De m?n in debt am a swimmer wid his
butes ou."
A Vassar
College Girl
's Bread Re
[Chicago Saturday Herald.]
"Bread," exclaimed a Vassar College girl.
"Bread! Well, I should say I can make
bread. We studied that in our first year.
You see the yeast ferments and the gas
thus formed permeates everywhere, and
transforms the plastic material into a clear
ly obvious atomic structure, and then—"
"But what is the plastic material you
speak of?"
•'Oh ! that is commonly called the
"But how do you make the sponge ?"
"Why, you don't make it; the cook al
ways tends to that. Then we test the
sponge with the thermometer and hydro
meter, and a lot of other instruments, the
names of which I don't remember, and
then hand it back to the cook, and I don't
know what she does with it then, hut when
it comes on the table it is just splendid."
To Change the Track of Tornadoes
A correspondent of the Scientific Ameri
can proposes the following method for
changing the track of tornadoes ; Take
one keg or barrel of common rifle or can
non powder to the limit of your city or
town where it is approached by a tornado.
Fix it to an artillery priming tube hav
ing a string about one hundred yards long.
Take your position at the end of the
string, and if the charge is large enough,
that gyrating, whirling tornado will he
effectually blasted out of existence: at
least made harmless till blown beyond
your town, where, perhaps, it will reform
itself. If the tornado could be advertised
a few hours before its appearance, giving
time for preparation, the suggestion might
possibly be valuable.
An Invention in Dentistry.
A Geneva dentist has invented a new
and ingenious process of tooth drawing. A
square of India rublier, pierced with a cen
tral hole, is pushed over the tooth till the
upper part of the root is reached. The
India rubber gradually contracts, pulls on
the root, and the offending tooth is finally
enucleated, without causing the patient
any pain whatever. Four or five days are
required to complete the operation. Very
little bleeding and a slight swelling of the
grin are the only inconvenience exper

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