Newspaper Page Text
Helena, Montana, Thursday, November 13, 1884. No. 5 2 lilrelily "^jeralil. R E. FISK D. W FISK, * J FISK > Publishers und Proprietors. Largest Circulation of any Paper in Montana Rates of Subscription. WEEKLY HERALD: SSi>fe=Eî! 1 j a ' lva,,ee u,e nue wil1 Four J,oll p" t ££éfiu »11 cases Prepaid. DAILY HERALD: 1 it V Subscribers,delivered by carrier,SI 50 a month One Year, by mail, (in advance).................. «1- 00 Six Months, by ...ail, n advance)............... 6 00 Three Months, by mail, (in advance)........... 3 00 »--All communications -hould be addressedto <irAI FISK BKOH., Publishers, Helena, Montana. First Pair ot Breeches. How dear to my heart were my flr-t pair of breeches , . Uthouph now worn out, I remember them t. pv .l teen in the house a year or two previous, And were formerly owned by my big brother. Bill. ,, ,. my eyes opened wide m great expectation ' M -jj en told that new breeches for me would he made ; How 1 felt in my heart a strange agitation \nd laughed when I thought how I'd look so arrayed. They were not cut up in fashion, of that I'll as sure you. They came to the knees, no suspenders were worn; A pateli in those (lays would excite no great no tice. If in climbing a fence my new breeches were torn. When 1 first put them on a peculiar sensation Arose in my boson that gave me great joy, For now all the noighbors who'd want informa tion, Could see that no girl I was, but a big boy. And the pockets, how large, how deep and how roomy ; I had a place for my marbles, my top and my ball. 1 found one liehind—why it was nothing hut pockets! There were three that were large and one that was small. When 1 strutted out proudly, an audible titter From one of the bovs gave me some pain; When he said: "Can your mother make pants fit no 1 .etter?" 1 said naught for answer, hut looked with dis dain. From those days of our childhood, alas! we've now parted ; Does yonr first pair of breeches ne'er give you »thought? Did they not fit you lietter, at least you did think so. Than those from the ta'lor that since you have bought ? But now when you see that new breeches are needed, A tailor you'll find you must first interview, And your purchase of pants will perhaps lie im peded— He's not like your mother, he will not trust you. but I SAID TO MY HEART. • Bessie, dear child," my father said, " Fred lias just a thousand a year ; And rents are to pay and markets to make. And how will you dress my dear?" And I said to my heart : " That's true ; But love and a thousand will do." My mother sighed in her statelv way, " His family are poor and plain ; No friends, no wealthy connections; You have nothing at all to gam. ' But 1 said to my heart : " It's Fred, And nobody else I wed." My friend Cecille was dreadfully shocked, "Why, Bessie? What, marry Fred Gray? The man isn't in society. You are throwing yourself away." But I said to my heart : " He'll do; He is loving and tender and true." And even my kind brother Jack Thought, " Fred at a desk very well ; But dreadfully slow, without any 'go,' Fit only to buy and to sell." But I said to my heart : " Never mind, He is clever and honest and kind." And my heart said: "Marry the man you love, A thousand a year will do; And he isn't slow, and lie's plenty of'go,' And he's stylish enough for you ; You know very well, when all is told. True love is better than style or gold." I married my love and a thousand a year, And we are happy and rich to-dav ; To his highest aim the man 1 love Has gallantly fought his way. If hearts have love, and are brave and true They'll find a thousand a year will do. I'll E B KOOK'S STORY. Through the broad and level meadow Flows a modest little brook, Hiding nenth the bending grasses, As it winds from nook to nook. On its banks our barefoot Willie, AH absorbed in busy play, Tosses leaves upon the water. Tries to make them sail away. Now impatient at its slowness. He exclaims, "You lazy brook. When you've work to do. why linger Idly thus in every nook" "Could you only see the streamlet Dashing down yon mountain side, I am sure the sight would shame you, If you've got a »peek of pride.', Then the brook found tongue to answer : "Strange to you my words may seem, Yet it is true, though now more useful, I am that same mountain stream. "Though my destiny, the ocean. Calls me onward night and day. Yet my mission centers chiefly In tlie good done on the way. "Rocky ledges do not need me, So 1 hasten on with speed, Till I reach this fertile meadow, Whose green herbage I must feed. "Little bov, these words remember, True wherever shines the sun, Rarely find we noisy hustle Where the grandest work is done." AT THE GRAVE." Tills is the end of him, here he lies ; The dust in his throat, the worm in his eyes. The mold in his mouth, the turf on his breast ; This is tlie end of him, this is best. He will never lie on his couch awake, \\ ide-awake, tearless, till dim daybreak. Never again will he smile and smile When liis heart is breaking all tlie while ; lie will never stretch out his hands in vain, tiroping and groping—never again. Never ask for bread, get a stone instead, Never pretend that the stone is bread. Never sway and sway 'twixt the false and true, Weighing and noting the long hours through. Never ache and ache with the elioked-up sighs ; I his is the end of him, here he lies. HERE VXD THERE. Sorrow and pain and night arc one ; Darkness conies with all ; Shadows rise and fall ; I he moon's cold light is not her own ; Only tlie silver stars appear. (•iven a> twere by Hope to cheer I he faint any weary t\ hen sad and drearv— Here! Happiness, joy, and bliss are one: Sunlight comes to stay ; Shadows flee away ! the Master sits upon his tliorne A shining light in heaven above' Ruling men by Faith and Ixive. I timing their mourning— into bright morning— There ! ! j I I I I ! i j j I j i I ' i Charge of Chief Justice Wade to the Territorial Grand Jury in Helena. Gentlemen of the Grand Jury :—We meet again in the performance of our important duties. I hope we are alive to all that it means, to take part in the administration of justice. There is no employment more noble, or occupation for the mind more exalted. We have often met before in the same capacity. I can speak for the last fourteen years, during which period twenty nine times has the Grand Jury of the , county come into this court room and en tered upon the sacred duties enjoined by j law. This is a short period in the life of ! a Nation, though it covers a large part of our Territorial existence. Commonwealths are not builded in a day. The institutions of civilization cannot be transplanted like 1 hot house plants. The seed must be of the right kind and carefully matured be fore the plant becomes sturdy and healthy. But short as has been our political life, if we have planted wisely, there ought by this time to be signs of growth and pro gress. We have been a Territory for about the same period that it requires for an in fant from the date of his birth to arrive at man's estate. We are approaching our majority, and our society and civilization ought to take its place and assume all the duties and responsibilities of full age and maturity. Communities are very much like indi viduals. Some prosper and thrive without much apparent effort, while others seem to he blighted in their infancy, and their lives are sickly failures. The man who spends his life in his native hamlet, paying but little attention to the affairs of the world, who is indifferent to what has been, and thinks not much of what is, or is to be, and who heeds not the throbbing pulse of the great life of humanity, necessarily becomes narrow and sellish, and thinks the circumference of his native heath the limit of the world, and that the sun is no larger than his father's shield. He is con tent in the seclusion and solitude of his own ignorance. And so isolated communi ties, far removed from the intelligence and enterprise ot the world, are liable to be come atiiicted with small ideas and blighted with the mildew of intellectual stupor and slothfulness. Communities so situated are liable to go to seed before they are ripe, and to wither in the green leaf. A low state of the human system begets disease. And so a sickly administration of government and law engenders a brood of moral and politi cal diseases that prey upon the vitals of society and threatens political death. The remedy is a vigorous administration of the law supported and sustained by a sense of honor and official responsibility. There can be no healthy administration of the law, unless there goes with it, a sturdy, unfaltering integrity, and a keen sense of official responsibility. There can lie no healthy civilization unless the law is im partially and vigorously enforced. In official life as well as in business affairs whatever has to be done at regular intervals is apt to be monotonous, aud when this occurs the tendency is to lose the sense of responsibility. It becomes an old story. The officer sometimes forgets that he is a servant and comes to think he owns the office, and that it was created for his special benefit. Grand juries have to come here twice each year, and the tendency is to take it as a matter of couise, and if the duties are distasteful, to pass them over lightly and as not of much conse quence. But grand jurors should never forget their oath, and that they arerespon sible if crime goes unpunished. The law ! should be kept aud maintained as a liv ing person. Its vigor should not be per mitted to wane or its vitality to decline. It needs live, active, conscientious men to successfully manage the affairs of govern ment. A scrupulous regard for the rights of the people and a fathful and vigorous enforcement of the law should be the watchword and motto of all official stations. The manner in which justice is admin istered and the law enforced is the index and measure of the civilization to which a people has attained. Public sentiment and opinion is the thermometer that marks the rise and fall of the sense of justice and morality in any community or among any people. The law is enacted and admininistered as public opinion dic tates. The people are not wise in their halls of legislation and courts of justice aud foolish in their homes and places of business. They represent their intellectual and moral growth in the laws they enact and in their manner of enforcing them. And so the grand jury, coming directly from the people, in what it does, and in what it leaves undone, is a ; faithful representation of the morality and virtue of the community from whence ; it came. They do not leave undone those i things they ought to do, unless the com munity sustains them in so doing. Grand j jurors ought to realize that they must take the tirst step in the enforcement of the ! criminal law and in bringing criminal offend era to justice. And they ought further to I understand that every failure to enforce ; the law and to punish crime is the breeder of other crimes ; and that every official act neglected or carelessly performed leads on to disorder and lawlessness. The his tory of the decleine and fall of every govern I ment that his lived and died, demonstrates j that the seeds of death were sown in lowering the standard of official responsi I bility, aud in the demoralization which I comes from a careless or partizan adminis tration of the law. Properly conducted courts of justice in I self-governing countries are educators ol I the people. They tend to create and up hold a healthy public sentiment, and they ! set up high standards of honesty and fair i dealing. The law is the highest expres sion of reason and justice. Whatever of j morality, right, reason, honesty and in tegrity the people have attained is ex j pressed in the law of the land. Courts are established to give expression to the teach I iugs of the law. j But though the law may be as perfect as human reason can make it, if it is not ad i ministered according to its spirit and in I tent, it does not teach the lessons intended and becomes an instrument of disorder. ' It lowers the standard of business in tegrity and makes morality and virtue affairs of secondary importance. So good i laws if not enforced are worse than none at all. The failure to enforce one law be comes the license to violate another. This then is the measure of the duties and responsibilities of grand juries. Ihey are to educate the public sentiment ; to raise a high standard of honesty and integ rity ; to uphold with a strong hand moral ity and virtue ; to arrest the tendency to demoralization and indifference ; to infuse into the business affaire of life a scrupu lous and conscientious regard for the rights of others ; to protect our lives and liber ties ; to shield our homes, our altars and lires, and this they can do, and can only do by a vigorous, stern, impartial and unyield ing enforcement of the criminal law. It is a grave thing to accuse of crime and should not be done unless the testimony unexplained warrants a conviction, but it is graver still, and more disastrous to so ciety to fail to accuse in cases where the testimony demands it. Loooking backward now to the day, in the spring of 1871, when oppressed with the responsibilities before me, I took my seat on this bench, and forward through the laborious years that passed to the pres ent hour, I think I can see marks of im provement and progress. Many evil prac tices have been suppressed, there is a heal thier public sentiment, aud a better tone to our civilization. And much of this im provement may be attributed to the action of the courts and juries. It is true enough that many crimes in this county have gone unpunished. The murder of John Denn and the hanging of Combes and another, are standing reproaches to us all, ihat the perpetrators of these dastardly deeds have not been brought to trial and punishment. But there has been an honest, vigorous ef fort to punish these crimes, and there should he no failure or lack of endeavor in this direction until the end is accomplish ed and this reproach to our machinery of justice removed. But much as has been accomplished there remains much more to do. There are crimes habitually committed here, that habitually go unpunished. If there is anything sacred to the American people, to the principle of self government and the rights of man, it is the ballot box. Upon the preservation of its purity we base all our hopes. It is the hope of humanity. We received it from our fathers as a sacred trust, and we would be traitors to strug gling freedom everywhere, if we did not transmit it unpolluted and nndetiled to our children. I am no partisan. You can all testify to that since it was my fortune to sit here. I have taken no part in party politics. I speak to you simply as an American citi zen, anxious only that the principles of our government shall be preserved and maintained in their purity, and when this end is attained, it is not very material to the people which political party is in power. Every good citizen loves his country, and would guard with his life, if need be, the principle of self governme nt, which receives all its vitality from the pnrity of the ballot box. There is in this Territory a demoralized public sentiment on this subject. I only speak what you all do know, and what is generally understood, when I say, that at every election here, frauds of one kind and another are practiced upon the ballot box. Men swear in their votes who have not re sided in the Territory the length of time required by law, hut they are not prose cuted for perjury. They feel secure be cause no prosecution of this kind has ever taken place in the Territory. The use of money iu elections either di rectly or indirectly by one political party or the other, or by any members of either, is a crime and a disgrace. It is dangerous to our liberties aud shakes the very pillars of the State. Organization for the purposes of healthy political action is proper, hut the collec tion of large sums of money lor election purposes leads to corruption and lrauds aud is dangerous to the liberties of the people. It leads to the purchase of votes, and there are votes for sale. There are men in this community who habitually sell their votes upon election day to one party or the other. They look forward to the election as their harvest. They are not Republi cans or Democrats. But they are for sale. They receive bids, and after being put - chased by one party, they are open for negotiations with the other, and tiually betray both if they can make it pay. They barter away their honor and make damaged merchandise of their manhood. And so it comes about that men are con stantly heard to say that they cannot af ford to be candidates for office. They de clare that they have not the money re quired to be a candidate. I have heard officers complain that it cost them the first year's salary of their office to secure their jelection. Why cannot a poor man be a candidate for office ? Must the American citizen be hired to exercise the elective franchise? And must he be paid to vote for one can didate or the other' If it has come to this that we have to be hired to exercise the right of self government, we are not worthy to be called American citizens. The right of self-government, exercised at the ballot box. is sacred. Our children should be taught to revere it upon the mother's knee and in the schools. It should become a part of the religion of the full-grown man, and be guarded and protected as one of the divinities of his home. But if this right can be bartered away who shall teach our children for what our fathers faught? We believe that the majority shall rule. This is a part of our religion. It is the foundation upon which the whole fabric of our government rests. The minority must submit to the majority. This is an ele mental principle. It is peculiar to Anglo saxon civilization. But if the people lose faith in the integrity, honesty and purity of the vote of the majority the value of the right of self-government is gone, and the government, the constitution and the law is shaken to its foundation. Such loss of faith because of fraudulent ballots, is the opening door to disorder, anarchy and po litical ruin The better element of the people without regard to party affiliations or creed should fight this foe to their liberties and their homes and the grand jury, call ing to their aid the power ot the county and the Territory, should hunt down and bring to just punishment every otlender agaiust the election laws. 1 he law is complete and only needs to be enforced to secure the purity of the ballot-box. I must also call your attention to the reckless and indiscriminate sale ol intoxi cating drink. We have a statute which makes it a crime to sell or give away in toxicating liquors to persons in the habit of becoming drunk, and it is a laet that men here in our midst are constantly dropping into drunkard's graves or are being sent to insane asylums, demented, and their lives destroyed because of drink. But there never has been a prosecution in the Territory under this statute, and the l grave or the insane asylum continue to re- I ceive their victims. There are places in this town where it is dangerous to go alter dark. There are i places where the criminal classes habitually i congregate, open to our boys and yonug , men, dens of infamy and shame, into which , the ignorant and the nnwarry are enticed, 1 made stupid with tfrink and habitually j robbed. I know that our law, much to our j shame be it said, authorizes gambling and tolerates other dens of iniquity, but it is the business of grand juries to see to it that the letter of the law and that the license is not taken tor liberty to commit all nd juries to see to it tnat aw is not transgressed, , e to commit one crime ! 1 ; i Occidental Geography. Of what is the surface of the earth com posed ? Of corner lots, mighty poor roads, rail road tracks, base ball grounds, cricket fields and skating rinks. What portion of the globe is water? About three-fourths. Sometimes they add a little gin and nutmeg to it. What is a town i A town is a considerable collection of 'houses and inhabitants, with four or five men who ' run the party " and lend money at 15 per cent interest. What is a city ? A city is an incorporated town, with a mayor, who believes the whole world shakes when he happens to fall Hat on a crosswalk. What is commerce ? Borrowing $5 for a day or two. and dodg ing the lender for a year or two. Name the different races ? Horse race, boat race, bicycle race and racing round to find a man to endorse your note. I Into how many classes are mankind di vided ? ! Six—being enlightened, civilized, half civilized, savage, too utter, not worth a cent, and Indian agents. What nations are called enlightened? Those which havf the most wars and the worst laws, and produce the worst crimi nals. ' How many motitms has the earth ? That's according lo how you mix your drinks and which way you go home. What is the earth's axis ? The lines passing between New York and San Francisco. What causes day and night ? Day is esused by night getting tired out. Night is caused by everybody taking the street-cars and going home to supper. What is a map ? A map is a drartjpt to show the jury where Smith stood when Jones gave him a lift under the eye. What is a mariner's compass ? A jug holding four gallons. How He Lost His Farm. [Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph.] "I'm no tramp, mum," said the indi vidual, who looked like the breaking up of a hard winter, as tye solicited something to eat, not having beaten a morsal of food for the past fourteen days. "No, mum, don't class me with them shiftless vagabonds. I've met with great misfortunes, I hev." "What were their nature ?" sympatheti cally asked the good natural housewife, as she gathered together all the cold victuals in reach. "I but a short time ago, mum, owned one of the finest farms in Minnesota." "What became of it?" "One of them dreadful cyclones, of which you have probably read, mum. blew that beautiful farm iu five minutes entirely upon the land of another man and left me entirely penniless." "But had you not still the land left?" asked the lady. "No, mum, the cyclone carried it all on to a'jining farm, and the man that owned it refused to give it up." "But the land your farm was located on —surely it was still left." "Oh, yes, it was there; but you see it belonged to a man who owned it before ^ j ! I i ; 1 ! : I ■ I I ! j I j ' my land was blown on top of it, and when i mine blowed off he came aud claimed the property. Them cyclones is terrible. Thankee, mum. No cold potatoes—I don't relish them when I git to thinking on my misfortunes." The Mother's Pay. "My mother gets me up, builds the fire, gets my breakfast, aud sends me off'," said a bright youth. "What then ?" asked the reporter. "Then she gets my father up, gets his breakfast aud sends him off. Then gets the other children their breakfast and sends them to school ; and then she and the baby have their breakfast." "How old is the baby ?" "Oh, she is most two ; hut she can walk and talk as well as any of us." "Are you well paid ?" "I get $2 a week and father gets $2 a day." "How much does your mother get?" With a bewildered look the boy said : "Mother ! Why, she don't work for any body." "I thought you said she worked for all of you ?" "Oh, yes; for all of us, she does. But there ain't no money in it." Necessary Precautions. [Chicago Tribune.] New York millionaire. "Are the girls locked np for the night, wife?" "Yes." "Coachman chained ?" "Yes." "Has the patent butcher-catcher in the front yard been oiled so that it works well ?" "Yes." "Well, we might as well chloroform the gardener and go to sleep." I Instructing the Old Mac. |Arkansaw Traveler.] "That old ma.t walking along there lives j ovct the river ,? said a boy who had taken a prize for proficiency in grammar. "What !" exclaimed his father, "have you ; forgotten your grammar so soon? You can say that he lives on the other side of the river, but not over the river, for that is : not correct." "Yes, it is, for—" "I say it is not.'' "Yes it is. The man lives on the bridge." ; The PUGET SOUND. Immense Lumber Trade of the Northern Country. The Port Blakely Mill Company employs 450 men, chiefly iii the logging camps, 200 head of work oxen and twenty mules. One of these camps puts 40,000 feet of logs in the water daily. The company loaded just one hundred vessels in 1883, with car goes aggregating 43,181,785 feet of lumber. Twenty-eight vessels were loaded during the first four months of the current year. There were shipped also 4,423 piles, 622 rs 700,308,000 laths. 94,254 pickets and >>oo700 00fi shingles. The daily capacity of t ' he mill is 275,000 feet. The hugest day's work was 283,000 feet in a run of eleven and one-halt hours. The company owns two steamers and six sailing vessels, and has a large store with a stock of goods worth $25,000. A vessel is now being loaded with 250 spars for New York City. This is a good showing far a single firm of the many engaged in lumbering on Puget Souud. 'Such an industry would lie con sidered a great one anywhere iu the world. ^ An Elaborate Riddle. The following compouud riddle was j composed by the Bishop of Cliffords: 1. I have a box. 2. This box has two lids. 3. It also has two caps. 4. It contains two musical instruments. 5. It has also in it two established meas ures. 6. It contains a great mauy articles a carpenter could not dispense with. 7. This box always has abont it two good fish. y 8. Also a great many of smaller size. 9. In it yon will find lofty trees. 10. Also some gaudy flowers. 11. The frnit of an indigenous tree. 12. Two gentle little animals are found ! in it. 13. Also a number of smaller and less I tame ones. 14. A tine stag is found within it. 15. A great many small whips without i handles. 16. It boasts of two halls or places of ; worship. 17. Some weapons of warfare are always 1 found in this box. ! 18. And in it you can find a uumber of weather-cocks. 19. The steps of a hotel are also found : in it. 20. The House of Commons resounds with two of my essential articles when on I the eve of a decision. 21. Iu the box you can find two ■ scholars. 22. And then find ten Spanish grandees I to wait upon them. I All pronounce me a wonderful piece of mechanism, but very few have remem bered the strange things that make up my whole. ANSWER. ! 1. The box is the human body, j 2 Eyelids. 3. Knee-caps. I 4. Drams. 5. Feet, j 6. Nails. 7. Soles. ' 8. Muscles. 9. Palms. 10. Tulips (two lips) 11. Apples (the eyes) 12. Calves. 14. Heart. 16. Temples. 18. Vanes. 20. Eyes and nose. 22. Tendons. 13. Hares. 15. Lashes. 17. Arms. 19. Instep. 21. Pupils. Box-Eid« r--\Vhite Ash. [Northwestern Farmer.] The box-elder is the most valuable tree for shelter in Dakota. It is hardy, it is a rapid grower, of spreading habit, it is a healthy tree and thrives well everywhere. When a tree is ten or twelve years old it will give as much sap for sugar-making as a sugar maple thirty years old Box-elder makes the very best kind of firewood. A box-elder timber belt for shelter should be planted thus: Trees six feet apart each way; plant five or six rows; the trees should not be trimmed. Such a belt of box-elder trees, when seven or eight years old, is a beautiful ornament on a farm, and is a elegant wind breaker. What a grand i sight [ t would be if every farmer here on the do you ?" Dakota prairies had such a beautiful belt all around his laud. It would be a grand improvement indeed, and what a comfort it would be to the farmers and their stock. Let every reader of the Northwestern Farm er prepare this summer to plant more or less next year. White ash is the most valuable tree for general planting in Dakota; it is hardy everywhere ; it is also a quite rapid grower, and it is the most valuable vareity of wood after it is grown. Seeds should be gathered and planted the same as the box elder. But the trees in order to have them grow straight, should he planted in rows not over three feet apart each way, and cultivated four or five years. They should be trimmed up a little every other year, and when seven or eight years old thinned I out, by cutting down every other row. and when about twelve years old thin out again by cutting every other tree in the remaining row Let every Dakota farmer plant at least a five-acre (hard wood) white ash grove. • A Connoisseur. They were at the opera bonffe, and as they seated themselves, he remarked im patiently : "There ! I have forgotten the opera glass again !" "Oh, well," said his wife, soothingly, "we will get along nicely without it." "Nousense !" he replied, "I will have an opera glass if I have to rent one." "You didn't make such a fuss about for getting the opera glass when we went to see Henry Irving in Hamlet," she remark ed a little sternly. "I know I didn't ; but Hamlet and a French opera are very different things. You don't imagine a man can appreciate fine er—er —music without an opera glas«, j ; : ; An Accommodating Star. Emma Abbott—Is everything ready? Stage Carpenter—Oh, a dreadful thing has happened ! Part of the scenery has not arrived. Emma—Which part is it? Carpenter—The most important of all ; the cavern scene in the third act. Emma—Well, don't worry. I will sup ply it. Caipenter—But there is no time. How can you ? Emma—I will stand at the back of the stage and yawn. A Cow Roy on Skates. [Muldoou.J The cow boys take to the new style of locomotion as naturally as a Democrat takes to stonewall or Valley Tan. Toll Cladwell was telling me of the fun he had last night. He said.: , "I am more used to riding on horsèhack, but last night I thought I'd try thém little wagons. I got ; one with a double cinch, and another one to match it, and as soon as I straddled the layout I could feel them begin to bow their backs, and I was wishing I had buckrein, because I was expecting 'em to stifi'eu their knees and go to buckin' every minit, but they didn't. I walked 'em over to the other end of the corra 1 to gentle 'em a little, and directly they started off at an easy j canter, aud were coming around hack right through the herd, and there was a dude there with a stifi' hat that was trying to cut out a Polled Angus heifer with a blue dress, and I fouled and roped both my hind legs with a hoop skirt and it had me i stretched out for branding quicker'n a spring calf could bawl with his mouth open and his lungs stretched. But I got up and got ou again, and you oughter see me exercise those vehicle. Of course they wasn't bridle-wise and of course tried to ; buck when I hurried them, aud they'd j rear up and fall back when I tried to stop 'em too quick, but I'll leave it to the boss I herder ot the whole round-up if I didn't ! gallop 'em round there for three or four , hours, and had'em rollover with me and ! they didn't get me off." He Wanted His Life Insured. [New Y'ork Mail and Express.] An old darkey struggled painfully into an insurance office and said: "Am dis de place, sah, whar dey 'sure lives ?" "Yes." he was told. "Well, I want ter git my life 'sured dis berry day fo' twenty years." "But you are too old, uncle." " 'Deed l'se old ; I'se 77. "And in very feeble health." "Boss, I'se purty tar gone. De ole 'oman sez I can't las' much longer." "Well, we can't insure a man in your condition." ' Sah ?" "I say we can't insure a man like you. We only take risks on men in good health and who apparently have a long life before them." "Am dat a fac' ?" "Certainly." "Doan' say nothiu' mo'. I'se an ole man, hut I hain't ter fool, boss. Ef I war young, wid good health, d'ye 'spose I d ask yer ter 'sure my life? When we gets ready to drap off is de time ter get 'sured. Ennybody can 'sure a man's life when he's young. I doau'. 'lieve*in dis 'suranee, ennyhow. When de good Lord wants er man he's goin' ter reach fer him. Good moruin', boss. I b'lieve yer wud steal chickens, 'deed I do." His Tender-Hearted Wife. [Pittsburg Telegraph. | He had failed for half a million and his assets would not pay two cents on the dol lar. He gave up everything he had to sat isfy his creditors, not even reserving the watch in his poeket. Aud yet they growl ed. An old lriend balled to see him. He met him at the depot with a $5,000spau of horses, aud conveyed him to a $200,(MM) residence, where he dined and wined him like a priuee on the finest of china and choicest of plate. "Why, Jones." said his old friend, " I thought pou had failed!" "S I have—given up everything, abso lutely ezerythiug. to my creditors, as an honest man should," replied the bankrupt in a tone of self abnegation. "Why, you appear to be living pretty well," remarked the old friend. "Ah, my dear friend, how mistaken yon are. Everything that you see is my wife's, absolutely everything; hut she is too ten der hearted to deprive me of their use on account of my misfortunes." Then and Now. [Pittsburgh Chronicle.] "Pah," said young Johnnie Jarphly, "who was the wisest man in the world ?" "We are told that Solomon had great wisdom," profoundly replied Mr. Jarphly, glad to notice that the thoughts of his son and heir should turn into channels of an instructive nature. "Was he very wise?" "Yes, a very wise man." "He had three hundred wives, didn't he, : pah ?" "I believe it is so reported," replied Mr. j Jarphly, with some hesitation. "Was that wise?" "Well, ahem, it might have been at that day, my son," dubiously replied Mr. Jarphly. "What's the difference between that day and now, pah ?" "Why, yonr mother was not alive then, my son,''said Mr. Jarphly, abstractedly. In a Smoking Car. [Drake's Traveler's Magazine.] As a train pulled out of Kansas City re cently hound West, a line-looking old gen tleman, who occupied a seat in the smok iDg car, was accosted by a rank-looking specimen of Western hnmanity. "Goin' far West, stranger ?" he asked. "Yes, sir," replied the old gentleman, po litely. "I am going to Denver." "Business or pleasure ?" "Chietly for my health." • "Ah, yes, I see. From the East, aiu t yer?" "Yes, I am President of the Twenty fifth National Bank of New York." "Yon don't say so!" exclaimed the West erner. Then he added in a whisper : "Gin us yer hand, old pard ; I'm right glad to see yer. I am a Missouri roWber." It Was Not the Major. _ "How was he dressed ?" asked the woman of the morgue keeper. "In a suit of black clothes, and in his pocket was a card addressed to Mrs. John Smith." "Yes, that's me," sobbed the woman. "The coroner made an examination and discovered that he died ot water on the brain." "Water on the brain ? He looks like my husband. He was dressed like him. Had my card in his pocket. But,' ob served the lady, with conscious pride in her tones, "I'm sure the Major never drank enough water to affect his brain. 1 : DECEIVING A DRUMMER. ; j I ! , ! : j How a Would-be Masher w as Brought to Grief. IThrough Mail.] "I wonder n that .pretty girl over there is not a ilirt," said one drummer to another on an incoming Illinois Central train the other day. "She looks like it," said his companion, "and what is more, she and I have passed a good many happy hours together. I've staid many a night at her father's house, but I don't do that any more, aud if you can make a mash on her, go ahead. The other drummer went over to where she sat aud said : "Permit me, madam." "Certainly," she replied. "My friend over there says he has known you lor some time, he continued, as he sat down. She blushed and smiled sweetly as she acknowledged the old acquaintance. "Very nice fellow," said the drummer! "Do you think so?" said the woman, modestly. "Bully fellow, hut he in't very popular with the girls. Don't seem to care much about 'em." "Don't he?" she archly inquired. "Not very much." "But it's difl'erent with me; I like him ever so much." "Happy old boy ! Say, yon couldn't love me a little as his proxy, could you ?" "Goodness, no !" "Well, that's pretty tough on me, but if you think so much of him, I'll get up and let him come over and sit by you." "Oh ! I wish you would.'' The masher looked red and blue by turns, and got up aud went over and told his companion what she had said, and added : "Say, old fellow, you've got her dead. She's mashed on you the worst way and wants you to come over and sit by her." "Is that so ?" queried the other with a satisfied smile, arising and bow'ing to the lady, who beckoned him oyer to the seat with her. And then he went over and put his arm around her, and when the conduc tor came along he pointed them out to him and began to tell him what a mash the other fellow had made, when the con ductor smiled blandly, ami told him to go and soak his head, that that was the other drummer's wife and he had known her ever since she was a baby. The masher got ofl' the first time they came up with a freight train and went the balance of the way as live beef. The Verdict ol Experts. [Chicago News.) "Fetch in your corpse," demanded the foreman of a Texas Coroner's jury. The body was laid before them. The jury made a careful examination, and questioned the attending surgeon. "Whar was he shot ?" • *'Sqna r e through the heart." "Dead in the centre o' the heart ?" "Right in the centre." "Who shot him ?" "Jake Daniels." A dozen witnesses declared Jake fired the shot, and Jake himself admitted it. The jury consulted softly for some time. "Well, gentlemen of the jury," said the Coroner, "what is your verdict ?" "Waal, Jedge, we've come to the conclu sion that Jake Daniels is ther dandiest shot in these parts, and don't you furgit it." Too Great a Sacrifice. "Ethelinda Jane," he said, in deep,, pas sionate tones, "will you lie mine?" "If—if I thought you loved me," she faltered. "Love yon !" he exclaimed wildly. "I adore you. I would wander the wide world over for your sake." "Then I will be yours," said the maiden, but only on one condition." "What is the condition," he said, in a paroxysm of joy ; name it, name it, and if it was to snatch the burning sun from the cerulean firnament I would agree to it." "It is not so difficult as that," ahe said, calmly : it is simply this—that you will swear you will never say after we are mar ried that I can't cook as well as your mother." The young mon shook his head aud de parted very sorrowfully. Tue sacrifice was too great. Results of the Greely Expedition. The principal scientific facts discovered are the following : 1. The North Pole lies due north of New York. It was not discovered, but its general direct iou was pretty well estab lished. 2. That the North Pole lies in the Arctic regions. 3. That it is an almighty cold neighbor hood. 4. That nearly all the animals there wear sealskin jackets the year round. 5. The chief signal officers are somewhat unreliable caterers. 6. That when men cannot get food they starve to death. 7. That extreme cold produces frost bite. 8. That getting back is the chief fun and difficulty of the expedition. It was Legitimate. [Merchant Traveler.] On one of the Southern railroads there is a station called "Sawyer." Lately a 1 newly-married couple boarded the train and were very loving, indeed. The brake man noticed the gushing groom kiss the bride about two hundred times, but main tained a serene quiet. Finally the station in ouestion was reached, and just after the whistle sounded, the groom gave the bride a ronsing smack on the lips and the brake man opened the door and shouted *'Saw ! ver! Sawyer!" "What's that?" responded the groom, looking over his shoulder at the brake man. "Sawyer! Sawyer!" "Well, I don't care if you did; she's my wife." At tiu; Restaurant. Boston Globe.) "What did lie call for?" asked the cook : of the head-waiter. "Roast beef rare; that old truck cover ain't all gone yet, is it?'' "Yes; served the last piece about ten minutes ago." ' Well, cut np the other rubber lioot." "That's all served as beefsteak." 1 "H'm, got to fall back on oilcloth again, j Here, take this ragged piece, souse it well in wheel grease, chuck iu a fork handle or two for hones and 1 11 pull a quarter extra ; out of him for a rump roast Spry, now."