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»»«»««il» ■ • •■•••• ■ Volume xxiii. Helena, Montana, Thursday, March 7, 1889. No. 15 illrcltlii ^fjcrahl. R. E. FISK D. W. FISK Ä. J. FISK. Publisher* and Proprietors. Largest Circulation of any Paper in Montana Rates of Subscription. WEEKLY HERALD: On* Year, (In iMlwnoe).............................83 00 81* Months, (In advance)............................... 1 75 Three Months, (In advance)........................... 1 00 When not paid for in advance the rate will be Four Dollars peryear^ Postage, In all cases, Prepaid. DAILY HERALD: City Subscribers,delivered by carrier $1 .00a month One Year, by mall, (In advance)................. 89 00 81* Months, by mail, (In advance)............... 5 00 Three Months, by mall, (In advance)........... 2 50 if not paid in advance, 812 per annum. 'Entered at the Post-office at Helena as second class matter.) J^All communications should be addressed to FISK BROS., Publishers, Helena, Montana. Retribution. After having inflicted corporal punishment on Paul the other day, I took him and told him bow it hurts me when ho is naughty and I have to whip him. On the next occasion be asked: "Mamma, did it hurt you when you whipped mo this timer "Yes, dear. It always hurts me when I have to punish you." "That serves you right for whipping me."— Babyhood. Romance. n «p;-; ■ -r? He (on a suburban visit)—I am suddenly called to New York on very urgent business, Miss Jones, but before I go 1 want to thank you for the great pleasure i have enjoyed in your society, and to say that-that-a-er She (blushing)—Oh, Mr. Grizzle, pray He—Er-to say, that if you ever want any thing in the ribbon line, I'm at the head of that department at Plush & Satin's. Good-by. —Texas Siftings tYasu't Giving Anything Away. Judge Richardson, of the court of claims, who lectures on constitutional law at the law school of the Georgetown university, gar nishes his discourses with many amusin g and interesting stories, among which is a partic ularly good one which he relates of Mr. Hoar, the father of the senator from Massa chusetts. He brings it in to clinch the point that the opinion of a judge while off the beach, or of a lawyer when not engaged upon a'case involving the matter in dispute, is of no more value than that of an ordinär^ mor tal. One day, according to the judge, a man stoppai Mr. Hoar on the street and asked him a question on law. The answer strength ened the questioner in his determination to bring a certain suit, but when he put the matter in the hands of his attorney the latter told him ho had no case. Back went the questioner to Mr. Hoar. "Didn't you tell me thus and so the other day?" he asked. "Well, yes; I suppose I did," said the old lawyer; "but you didn't pay me anything fdr It, and the fact is I never can get quite right unless I'm paid for it." Or, as Judge Richardson naively puts it: "He lacked the feeling of responsibility."— New York Tribune. Only One Thing Left. First Society Man (yawning)—What Hma is it? Second Society Man (stretching)—Nine o'clock. "Too late for the theatre." "Yes. " "Too early to go to bed." "Yes." "I'm too sleepy to read or talk." "So am L Too tired to think." "Well, as neither of us seem good for any thing else, let's dress up and go to Mrs. Wert ende party."—Philadelphia Record. Complimentary to the Artist. A lady, who was accustomed to solicit for several charitable institutions, the other day met a well known miser from whom she had never been able to extract a cent During the course of the conversation the lady mentioned that she had seen his portrait at the academy. "And you didn't ask It for a subscription!" queried the miser, who was fond of his Joka "Oh, I thought it useless," calmly replied the lady, "the portrait is so thoroughly like you."—Judge. The Old Question. Reginald Young (who has been very atten tive during the evening)—I wonder, Mia Mabel, If you would consider me impertinent should I ask you the old question! Miss Mabel (greatly agitated)—Oh, u&ldl This is so sudden! I—I—yes, I listen to you, Reginald. Reginald—Wefl, then, have you read "Rob art Elsmere I' — Atlanta Journal. The Modern Plan. Editor—This poem, sir, is miserable trash. Amateur—Oh, never mind that. Publish it, and I'll see that it Is copied all over the oo un try. I have arranged with a friend at mine to claim the authorship, and then be and I will get into a boiling hot controversy over it There are no flies on us poets now adays.—Philadelphia Record. A City's Landmarks. Gotham Lady (in Philadelphia)—I don't like the Philadelphia fashion of keeping the front of a house so nearly closed. How can you tall which houses are occupied and which ttnpty? Philadelphia Lady—Oh ; that's easy enough; the empty houses are those with slop cans in front—Philadelphia Record. SCRAPS AND CLIPPINGS. DEVELOPMENT OF THE "REFERENCE DEPARTMENT" OF A LIBRARY. dyn the The Rev. John Todd's "Index Rerum," Its Uses and Outgrowth—Valuable Collection of Scraps Made by a War Corresi indent. Suggestions. Every person who uses the Brookl; library fact that its "Reference Department" is a f irominent feature of that institution. It s now proposed to supplement the refer ence library by the addition of a collection of carefully kept scrap books, and already a port ion of this collection is ready for the public's use. The attention of a reporter was called to this addition to the library's usefulness not long since, and hu called upon Acting Librarian Bardwell to obtain some further information in regard to it. Mr. Bardwell is quite an enthusiast upon the subject of keeping scraps, and when questioned upon it thus expressed his views: "The Rev. John Todd, of Pittsfield, Mass," he said, "some years ago published an 'Index Rerum; or, Index of Subjects: intended as a manual to aid the Student and Professional Man in preparing him self for Usefulness.' This work, which passed through over twenty editions, was a blank book with an alphabet printed at the head of the pages and directions Il lustrating its utility and method of use, which consisted in jotting down important facts or striking passages met with in books, or in noting under the appropriate subject in the index the volume and page where the extract could be found when wanted. William Wirt says: 'There is not a fact within the whole circle of hu man observation, nor even a fugitive an ecdote that you read in a newspaper or hear in conversation, that will not come in play some time or other; and occasions will arise when they will, involuntarily, present their dim shadows in the train of of your thinking and reasoning, as belong ing to that train, and you will regret that you cannot recall them more distinctly.' "Dr. Todd's index was for the purpose of noting where an article might be found, and served to some extent the same pur pose as the numerous books of quotations and extracts that have been published in recent years. "The department of scrap books now in f irocess of development at the Brooklyn ibrary bids fair to be an index rerum on a very extensive scale. It is a collection of clippings and extracts from news papers, commenced many years ago by Mr. Wilcox (H. K. W.), a war correspon dent, who commenced clipping and filing away extracts for his own personal use. These, as time passed on and the collec tion became larger, he divided into sub jects and kept in boxes labeled according to the contents of each box. At his death he left his collection, the accumulation of more than twenty years, to the Brooklyn library, where it is now being carefully collated and arranged under a classifica tion similar to that of the library cata logue. The clippings are being pasted on sheets of manilla paper, which after being properly dried and pressed are arranged by single sheets (not bound together, as this would preclude the Incorporation of any further material In its proper place under its subject heading, as additions are made from time to time). These sheets are kept in boxes that are labeled on the back so as to indicate the subject and the subdivision of subject contained In each box. "The arrangement of the material thus kept being strictly by subjects and their various ramifications, and the whole be ing formed into one alphabet, no index is required to guide the searcher for infor mation. All that is necessary is to look at the labels until the subject needed is reached in the line. Then take down the box that contains what is wanted and use it. As time passes and the library collec tion is developed it is expected it will be found of especial vaine to literary people as containing much valuable material which will be arranj gethei otherwise be so scattered as to be practi cally lost unless collected under some such plan as this." "What do you think, Mr. Bardwell, of the value of a scrap collection in gen eral?" "As to the value of material thus col lected a variety of opinions may exist, but so far as possible the source from which the information was obtained is mentioned, as well as the date of publication. The a uestion suggests itself whether every terary person may not find it advi ous to keep a collection of scrap Items that appear from day to day may prove exceedingly valuable in the future, ànd the only time to secure these is while the eye is upon them, as almost any one who has tried to locate a paragraph he thinks he saw at an indefinite time, a few months or even a few days ago, can testify. If one has hunted through a file of papers for an extract he can appreciate the diffi culty and will probably wish he had saved the scrap. "One can make a collection of his spe cialty or can make a general collection of •ny material he thinks would be useful In the future. He can include his own .actions under their own subject eadings, or be can include them all in one volume marked 'Personal. ' A literary man should bear in mind that he may one day become famous, in which case a col lection of all the fugitive pieces he has ever had in print mightprove valuable as well as interesting. While there is no lim it to the subjects on which one may bie require, but, in any"case, a thorough ar rangement of the material by subjects will obviate any necessity of an index. If thoroughly classified in this way, the collection will be its own index, and there is no other way, so far as can be seen at Present, that would be so effective. There •re other libraries beside the Brooklyn that have some scrap collections. Some oollege libraries have collections covering the history of their institution from the start." __ Exchange of Confidence. Mr. Jinks—I don't know how you will feol about it, sir, but the fact is that my wife, nr daughter, is a dreadfully hard woman , live with. Mr. Blinks—I can sympathise with you. I married her mother.—New York 'iekly. THE CHICAGO FOX HUNT. Suggestions by The New York Tribun« Prior to the Event. Chicago has decided to celebrate Washing ton's birthday by following the hounds in an imitation fox hunt Six months ago the leaders in her best society ceased stamping the little tin pails of lard turned out at their refineries with the familiar porker's profile, but instead emblazoned thereon a lion rom pant It was clear from that moment that American ideas and institutions were doomed in Chicago-by-the-Lake. We are assured that the most extensive preparations are being made for the meet Chicago, however, keeps in view the fact that discretion has long been recommended as being the most desirable part of valor, and is determined to take no risks. To this end, we are told, those having the matter in charge, "after an earnest consulta tion have determined to have no jumpe or obstacles of any kind on the course," even if it somewhat mars the effect, the committee being "fearful of the consequences." All dangerous American barbed wire fences, sign boards, trees, bushes, stones and other objects are being carefully removed from the course, which will be twelve miles straight away, and the farmers along the route will be requested to keep in their cows, hogs and poultry on the day of the meet. The com mittee hates to take these precautions, but the consequences bang over it by a single hair and render it fearfuL Various other precautionary measures are under consideration by the committee and may be adoped. A plan for strewing the course thickly with feather beds, spring mat tresses, and so forth, to ward off, in a meas ure, the "consequences," has been suggested, but it is thought that tho cost will be too great It is believed that by strapping pil lows to various parts of the persons of the riders, practically the same result may be reached at only a fraction of the expense. The idea of strapping each rider firmly to his horse met with no approval except among sqme of tho more timid ; but a novel plan has been proposed in its place and will probably be carried out. Each rider will wear a jacket, which will bo short enough, so that as he sits on his horse the lower edge of it will be some six inches from the can tie of the saddle. Vi The jacket edge will then be fastened to the saddle by a half dozen stout six inch spiral springs. This, it is thought, will insure great safety and leave the intrepid follower of the hounds ample freedom of motion. In chse the horse falls, takes an imaginary hedge, or otherwise becomes highly unpleasant for a Chicago man, the rider will simply fly up into the air a foot or two and be drawn back quickly and surely to the padded saddle. On Washington's birthday Chicago will be in the saddle, and retained there most of the time by strong steel springs. »The hounds will be procured from Detroit. A man from Oshkosh attempted to foist some of his hounds on the committee, but the mani fest superiority of Detroit hounds, coming, as they do, from so near British territory, being pointed out, the gentleman from Wis consin did not get a bid. The committee politely but firmly advised him to take his sample dog back to Oshkosh. Whether or not fenn-Ehgfisii horses wîu also be used b not stated, but it seems probable that they wilL The 22d of February promises to be a most remarkable day for Chicago. Laying aside any little animosities which may have been engendered among her society leaders by sur reptitious cutting in the price of leaf lard and side pork, they will mount their spirited bob tailed horses and dash away along the pic turesque lake front twelve miles straight toward Milwaukee. With the gamey anise seed bag disappearing on the horizon, the De troit hounds in full cry, the resolute Chicago riders clinging to the pommels of their sad dles with the strength of desperation, and a physician stationed every half mile to render assistance if needed, the scene will be worth a long jpurney to witness. We wish the meet every success possible, and "no conse quences."—New York Tribune. A New Yorker's Bad Break. Philadelphian—You are very fond of so ciety, 1 see. Do you belong to the exclusive 400! New Yorker—N-o; unfortunately there is a dark stain on my social record. "Indeed I" "Yes, it's too true. I once walked two squares on Fifth avenue with a very dear friend of min e, an eminent scientist, who had on a soit of ready made clothing. ''—Philadel phia Record. Stage Lights and Shadows. The audience in a theater think as lit tle of the man whose work enables them to witness the stage Jteformance as way passengers do of tie engineer wl conducts them safely to their journey's end. They see the show, and it they en ' iy it they never trouble themselves to aire what causes produce such brilliant is. But for every light in the audi torium, and for every shad. 5 of illumina tion behind the scenes, thoy are indebted to the humble gasman, who stands by his to the humble gasman, who stands by his post in the wings next the footlights. Here, by means or a number of little hand jet in the the play, msly aa wheels, he^ regulates every gas jet in the a plot of ' and he listens for his cues as arduously theater. Before him is a pi any actor in the company- A false move On his part, such as the turning of a wheel at the wrong time, may ruin the whole scene—a moonlight effect may ha by a flood of daizling light, or darkness may obscure the stage.— York CommandaL Advertiser. "FIXING" THE COFFEE. AN INFERIOR PRODUCT POLISHED TO DECEIVE EVEN EXPERTS. The Adulteration of the Popular Berry Big Business According to a Chicago Dealer—The Procees of "Milling" Coffee. Mocha. The adulteration of coffee is an evil of so widespread and well recognized a kind that a leading grocer of this city recently had a two column "ad" in the paper set ting forth the peculiar methods employed and the differences existing between vari ous growths of coffee. This dealer was seen the other day by a reporter, to whom he said: "The adulteration of coffee is a business, and a large one at that. There exist, under various names, in New York, Philadelphia and Baltimore, firms who do a flourishing business in this line. "The work they do—and are paid for handsomely—is tne cleaning, scouring, polishing and coloring of the natural bean. It must not be supposed, however, that this is all done with the knowledge and connivance of the retail or wholesale grocers by whom the coffee is afterward sold to the consumer. Not at all. Prob ably fully 50 per cent, of these grocers ignorantly buy what they suppose to be 'Java,' 'Mocha,' and other high priced coffee, when in reality they get inferior grades. You see, it is a difficult thing to determine exactly the quality of coffee in the bean. There is, in point of fact, no sure test to be employed in sampling cof fees but the one of taking the bean coffee, roasting it, and making a liquor of it, which is drunk. That is the only reliable test. What can be learned about coffee would in reality fill a book, and it takes years and good opportunities to become a connoisseur. "Now, what would you take this coffee to be?" and the expert handed over two small vessels of roasted coffee, showing beans of handsome shape, uniform in size and pungent of odor. "That is Buca marango and the other Bogota. Now, did you ever hear of such coffee or such places before? And yet this is very good Central American coffee, apt to be mis taken for Java by even pretty good judges. And what do you suppose this is?" He showed another small vessel full of unroasted coffee. The berries were of all shapes, flat and almost globular, some four times as large as others. But this coffee, though not roasted, exhaled a pow erful fragrance, reminding one a little of vaDilla. "This is genuine Mocha, sam pled and bought by myself at Aden, Ara bia. They say there is more so called Mocha sold here in Chicago than the whole crop of real Mochs. coffee amounts to. It may be so." "And how about the real process of adulteration?" "It isn't called so. It's termed or 'dressing' in the trade. It gulls di ers as well as the public. I'll give you a few samples of how it works. Real Java comes, for instance, in flattish woven mats. On the trip across the ocean moist beans generate damp heat. It gives the natural greenish tint of the berry a tinge toward the yellow and brown. It also swells the size of the berry. To imitate Java, Macaraibo, Guatemala and Santos is used—all Ameri can coffees. When subjected to a sweat ing process they begin to look more or less like Java, so much so as to deceive even dealers who do not take the trouble to test coffee by making a sample liquor of it. Yet the difference in price is eight cents a pound, or 83 per cent. Take Guatemala coffee. That is an excellent kind, handsome to look at and pleasant to taste. But much of what is sold under the name is nothing but Costa Rica, or Rio. A polishing machine will in a few hours give those the bluish tint and the apDearance of genuine Guatemala, apstone and Prussian blue are used in coloring. Of Rio there is more imported than of all other kinds of coffee—probably ten times as much. There are all kinds of Rio coffee. Some is exquisite, as fine In flavor as almost any coffee. Some are very poor. The small Brazilian farmers will spread and cure their raw coffee right on the pampas. In drying, the berry will absorb the flavor of the manure sodden earth, and such coffee will be, of course, bad in taste. But you can't tell it half the time until you roast the berry and boil your coffee." A local firm which the dealer referred to as "fixing" the coffee has a warehouse that is crammed from cellar to roof with sacks of coffee and with machinery to "fix" it They evidently do a very trade. The superintendent was watc the loading of a cargo of several hun lacks of coffee consigned to a popular mill In town. He was not averse to giving • few points of information regarding the business in which his house is engaged. "Nine-tenths of our work," he said, "con sists in 'milling' coffee. That is another name for 'polishing. ' The machines used, In the business are plain, horizontal cyl inders and centrifugals. If coffee is very dry and husky we use a little pure water, about one gill to the bag, so as to give it a nice, clean and smooth appearance. The polishing is done to smooth the berry— that's au. Whether dealers afterward Bell this coffee, improved in looks, for higher grade than it actually is, is a mat ter with which we have nothing to do. We are just paid by the mills and large dealers for cleaning and polishing coffee— that ends it as far as we are concerned. What we are doing here, however, is • thing which has been done in Germany for over a hundred years. The polishing is done simply by attrition. No bluing or Boapstone is used nowadays—at least not much. No, sir, the bulk of the coffee adulteration, properly speaking, is done, not in this country, but before it reaches here. Take Mocha as an example. The dealers in Aden buy up other kinds of coffee—Malabar and Ceylon and others— which resemble the genuine article in ap pearance. These they mix with real Mocha, and the product is then sent all over the world as Mocha. Thus, yon see, aa a matter of fact, no genuine Mocha ex ists in the trade, not if you were to send tout agent to Aden itself to bay it."— Chicago Herald. At the First Reception. Mr. Quickrich—I say, Maria-! Mrs. Quickrich—Don't interrupt me when I am receiving the guests. Mr. Q.—But— I «ay—we hired that band by the hour, and it's mighty mean of them to play so slow. (The orchestra tarne. V—Pittsburg g a no©* IN THE BANANA BELT. Bill Sye's Surprising Adventures in Com pany with Mr. Riley Haggard. Many southern people come to St. Paul and Minneapolis, it is said, in order to escape the rigors of their own Winter. The banana belt, extending from Duluth to Winnipeg, reminds one of tropical Africa. Last week Mr. Riley Haggard ahd I started out for a little quiet elephant shooting in the country. Bidding farewell to the concierge at the hotel, we packed our heavy express rifles and smooth bore elephant guns, penetrated as far as the sleeping car could convey us, and, bid ding farewell to our faithful Wan Wenga, who caressed us both with a whisk broom to the value of twenty scudi, we hired an ele phant apiece and began to permeate the jun gle, preceded by our trusty bird dog. At the kraal or livery stable where we en gaged our elephants we were told that game was very plenty about thirty miles across the dinglelow, and that in a small forest of jing sang trees and hoola bushes quite a covey of quagga and elephants had been scared up by a Boer who had penetrated the jungle accom panied by his brakje or dog. The first night we camped beneath the shade of a Vienna bread fruit tree on tho borders of the Karroo, and preventing the escape of our trusty elephants by attaching their trunks, we began to prepare our evening meal read tho directions from a book of African travel, and my very faithful comrade, Mr. Riley Haggard, did the cooking. First refreshing ourselves with a long draught from a gourd of spoopju from Peoria, marked 1842, so called because it is placed on the market eighteen hours and forty-two minutes after it is made, our faith ful gun liearer, Ylang Ylang, began to carve the bultong, Meiboss, and jerked muskrat for the evening meal. Making a bright fire of karroo bushes and fresh train figs, a wad of mealies was soon simmering over the coals, while the odor of Cincinnati bultong per vaded the tropical forest. Ylang Ylang, our faithful valet, who has made his name a household word because of his search after Schwatka and One Night Stanley, said that according to the books on African exploration it was now time to bed down the elephants. After doing this he re turned and proceeded with the cuisine. We had hardly swallowed our supper, and Mr. Rfley Haggard was about to climb a date palm to secure a few luscious lecture dates, when our ears were saluted by a most unearthly and ear piercing roar from the heart of the jungle. At this moment our faithful Ylang Ylang came in with eyes sticking out like a sore thumb to announce that our bird dog had flushed a large Abys sinian lion. Hurriedly putting a little Mayonnaise dressing on our faithful Ylang Ylang, we sent him out to parley with the lion while we put on our telegraph climbers, and filling our pockets with bultong we ascended a Duluth palm tree. We had not long to wait I The wang-wanga bushes parted and a low, heavy set perform ing lion crept softly into the open Karroo, preceded ut a distance of about three-quarters of an inch by our faithful Ylang Ylang. As the poor fellow jumped a low Kirdish bush, I heard a crunching sound such as I never hope to hear again, and turned away my head rather than see our trusty gun bearer in the act of backing into a lion. As soon as I could regain my courage by a small nip of spoopju, 1 looked back at the sickening spectacle. All was still save the distant song of the red breasted blim-blam in the Koojoo bushes. Suddenly remembering how I had onoe seen a lion tamer make a lion quail, I de scended from the tree and, taking a small riding whip with me, I said, "Hi!" and whipping him across the forelegs, in the mean time frequently making the remark "Hi!" 1 drove him away from there. Out of the kraal, down the sloot or dry water course and across the Karroo lands he sped and so on back to Winnipeg, where he joined his congress of rare wild beasts, as I after wards learned. Hastily saddling our elephants and sinching them tightly, so that the howdah could not slip around under the stomach of the noble beast, we mounted by means of a freight car standing near by and returned across the transvaal, whatever that is,"and hiring a diligence, we packed our remaining supply of bultong, elephant tusks, spoopju, pemmi can, elephant blubber, sacred cow meat, dried yak, krooliejam, Milwaukee Heidsieck and a glossary of hard words from Rider Hag gard, and took the cars at Stanley Pool, re solving to penetrate still further into the tropical depths of the northwest.—Bill Nye in New York World. Signed with His Own Name. Banker Rosenthal directed his bookkeeper to address a pretty rough letter to Baron X., who had promised several times to pay what he owed, but had neglected to do so. When the letter was written it did not suit Banker Rosenthal, who is very excitable, so the latter hastily penned the following: My Dear Baron X.—Who was it that promised to pay up on the first of January! You, my dear baron, you are the man. Who was it that promised then to settle on the first of March? You, my dear baron. Who is it that didn't settle on the first of March! You, my dear baron. Who is it, then, who has broken his word twice and is an unmitigated scoundrel? Your obedient servant, Moss Rosenthal. —From the German. Reciprocity. A good story illustrating the rights of chil dren to get in a question or two in reply to Interrogatories by their eiders was told by a prominent physician here to a lady patient a day or two ago. 'Whose boy are you?" asked the doctor to a bright looking youngster who was playing in a patient's garden. Mr. Jim- 's. Whose be you?" was the unexpected rejoinder.—Kingston Freeman. He Would Be More Careful. "John, dear," she said, "if I were to die frould yon marry again?" "I might, my love," he replied, "bat I should go a trifle less recklessly than I did before."—Once a Week. Prompt Response. Clergyman (repeating his text with em phasis)—But what went ye out tor to see? Mr. Rambo (asleep in back seat, waking op with a jerk)—Man, m'dear !—Chicago Tri bunal "Can you give me a dime for thisT asked a tramp the other day, as he handed in a dirty piece of paper to a clerk in a newspaper counting room. The clerk took it and read the following: "Wy is the straw hat now like noise? Com it's ©ailed din."—New York Tribune. THE LIME KILN CLUB. The Subject of Honesty Discussed bj Way down Bebee and Elder Toots. After the reading of the minutes of th« last meeting and other routine business. Brother Gardner stated that he had beer asked to secure an expression of opinion or the question: "Does It Pay to be Strictly Honest?" He would call upon Sir Isaac Wal pole, as the oldest member, first. "I war in hopes dat queshun would nebbei cum up in dis club," said the old veteran ir reply "It ar' a queshun which has caused me many sleepless nights, an' which 1 hev nebber bin able to settle to my own satisfack shun. On one occashun I found a wallet in de road. It contained $30, an' when I re stored it to de owner he handed me all de money an' thanked me besides. On several other occashuns I hev found wallets and spent $2 worth of time huntin' up do owner an' bin rewarded wid 10 cents. A grocer once gin me a $10 dollar bill fur a $1. I handed il back an' he giv' me half a pound of tea. De very next week I giv' him a $5 bill fur a $2, an' he kept it an' swore dat I was a liar. "If I buy meat de batcher works mo' ol less bone in on me," continued the old man "If I buy wood or coal it ar' alius a leetle short. I expect de dry goods man to cheat me mo' or less, an' de hatter an' shoemaker doan' alius stick to facks. If I war' strictly honest I reckon I should land in do poo'hous* in about a year. I doan' advise any one tc be dishonest, but it ar' my opinyun dat il you find a pug dog runnin' around de street* he should be taken home and tied up to d< bed post until some one advertises a liberal reward an' no queshuns axed." Waydown Bebee then spoke as follows: "Dar' was a time when I was so strictly honest dat ober fifty of tho nayburs' chicken! used to roost in my back yard o' nights. At de same time dem nayburs borrowed money of me an' dun forget to pay it back, an' if ] left a spado out doahs ober night it was gon* in de mawnin'. If I owed a debt I ached tc go an' wake de man up at midnight an' pay him. If I found half a dozen lead nickels in my change, I melted 'em up fur bullets tc shoot cats. If I diskivered ten cents on de floah in de postoffice I handed it to de post master. I practiced dis course fur five long years, an' doorin' dat time I not only ran be hind $1,000, but I heard myself spoken of on all sides as a greenhorn, a pancake an' an idiot I finally decided to change. In five years I has picked up ober $2,000, am out ol debt an' grocers an' butchers send to my house and solicit my trade. When you ax me if it pays to be strictly honest I mus' re ply dat it don't—not by a jug full !" Elder Toots was then called upon, and be said: "If dar' am any one pusson an Detroit who has had chicken fur dinner any oftener dan ] hev I should like to seo his photograph, an' yit whar' am de pusson who dare stan' up an' say I steal chickens! I used to be strictly honest. If I found a cent in de road I went whoopin' up an' down to find an owner. If a $25 lost dog crept under my house to be taken keer of until advertised I drove him out an' let de man next doah get de money. I not only paid the house rent on the day it wai due, but made all repairs ont o' my own pocket. I run right down hill, an' by an' by I woke up to find de old woman out o' taters flour, meat, sugar, tea and eberything else 'cept Rough on Rata an' two bars o' soap, while my toet w'ar' out to Jinuary weather. On dat Mm« -Hornin', as I was gwine down town, I heard one man say to another: 'Say, Jim, see dat pusson? He ar' de fool nigger of Detroit. If be had a quarter wid a hole in it he would frow it in de ribber fur fear of accidentally passin' it off on a millyonary. ' Dat sot mi to thinkin'. Dat very night I stole a lot of wood, three chickens, a bag o' taters an' a pair of butes, an' I hev prospered eber since. I specks it will be a leetle harder on me when I cum to de gates of heaven, but I am doin' powerfully well down yere below an' in crew in' my fat ebery day.' —Detroit Free Press. Look Out For the Linings, Ladles. A II V. V Miss Henkleman—What a lovely gown, dear, from Paris, of course? Miss Wbitelyar—Yes, I can't get suited anywhere else; it came on the Umbria, Turn day.—Scribner's Magazine. He Tumbled. "Look here, captain," began a prisoner who had passed a couple of days in a cell at headquarters, "I want some information!" "About what?" "Why don't you provide these jells with beds, carpets, rocking chairs and other com fortable things, so as to make a prisoner's stay pleasant !" "Why didn't you go to a first class hotel instead of coming here!" queried the captain In reply. "Ah! 1 see. I tumble, Nnff ced. It all depended on me, and I skipped the tra-la-Iu." —Detroit Free Press. A Great Question Settled. A St. Louis "newsboy," aged 25, has died, leaving an estate valued at $23,000, accumu lated in fifteen years. This seems to answer the oft propounded query, "Does Literature Pay!"—NorristownIHerald. An English physician daims a new way to benefit consumptives by giving them largely of rice and whiaky. THE UME KILN CLUB. Brother Gardner Explains Himself and Sir Isaac Walpole Talks ou Faith. When tho meeting had been called to order Brother Gardner arose and said: "One evenin' las' June, while gwine home from a session of dis club, I had do misfor tune to fall into an open sewer. I war tooken out fur dead, an' fur months I war a crippla Our club did not feel like gwine on widout me, an' hence no meetins hev bin held fur do las' six months. Doorin' de interval Paradis* hall was rented to a commishun marchant, de library an' relics keerfully stored away, an' wo open fur bizness agin to-night widout de loss of a cent. "A few of our members hev wandered away, but only a few. Whalebone Howker went ober to Canada an' adopted a hoss widout axin' his owner, an' he has bin laid away in do archives fur three years, Kurael Kyann Johnsing has got a plac« in s county jail in Ohio fur a year. Sacrifie* Smith went to Chicago an' walked in his sleep—walked off wid an ober coat—an' de chief of police took an interest in him an' got him a warm place fur some time to coma Three or four others am not heah to meet wid us on dis occashun, an' it ar' perhaps jist AS well dat dey hain't "As many different reports hev goo* abroad os to do natur' of my injoories, an' rt some of de newspapers hev received a fais* impreshun, I will heah state a few facks. 1 fell about fo'teen feet. I didn't say miffin' when I felL I lay dar' in a ca^amoso stat* fur three hours befor' I was diskivered an' rescued. When de doctora took hold of m* it was found that the cer bellum had bin badly fractured in two places; do clavicle bone bod bin onhinged; de diaphragm was broken; d* bronchial ramifications was unconscious; d* pulmonous arteries had bin driven el'ar into de left venter'cla In addishun, as dey found on a second examination, dar' war two kinks in de lumbar vertebras ; de carotid artery had become all mixed up wid de tri cupsid valve, an' de epigastric region had col lided wid do right auricle. Nobody thought I could pull frew, but yere I am, almoe' as good as befo', an' ready fur de nex' calamity. "De doctors hev cautioned mo to be a leetle keerful about exertin' de tibialis anticus too much fur a few weeks to come, an' to gin d® flexor carpiradialis as much rest as possible, but de crisis has passed an' dar is no fear of a relapse. I wish to return my thanks to all d* members of de club in particular, an' to my outside friends in gineral, and to say dat we shall hold reglar meetin's of dis club ebery two weeks from now on until furder notica Sir Isaac Walpole will now address you wid a brief address." "My fren's," began Sir Isaac, as he care fully arose, "de subjick of my address db eavenin' is 'Lack of Faith.' I see it in front an' behind, an' to de right an' left of me, alm ost, ebery hour in de day Fif»y y'ar* ago, if 1 went to a cull'd man an' axed <1* loan of two bits fur a week, 1 got it widont the least hesitashun. He didn't draw d jwn his left eye an' whisper 'Chestnuts,' an' softly inquar' if he had hay seed in his ear. In my juvenous days, when an ole man cum to me an' put his hand on my head an' toled me dat spreein' around nights was de side doah to state prison, I didn't grin in his face nor whistle in his ear. If I wanted a cup of sugar or a drawin' of tea, every naybur was willin' to lend, nebber doubtin' dat I would repay at de airliest moment. Twenty year* ago I could walk into a butcher shop an' j order a soap bone an'tell him to charge it. an' dat bone would go up to my cabin in all faith an' confidence in my integrity. Let me go into a butcher shop to-morrow ar' gin dat order, an' de butcher would pint to a dozen signs of 'No Trust,' an' look upon ma aB crazy. "Dar was a time when I could git a patch put on my bute on' walk off wid de remark dat I would pay fur it next week. If I should try dat on to-morrer I would git de collar from a policeman befo' I had gone a hundred rods. In de good ol* days I could walk up an* down all de alleyB in Detroit widout an on kind remark bein' remarked to ma yesterday, as I was gwine up an alley to lc fur my dog, a vr hite man looked ober his back fence an' said: 'You is jist one day too late, cull'd man— dem chickens is gone !' De world seems to hev reached dat stage when nobody believes an' eberybody doubts If I git on a street kyar de conductor wants his cash in advance. If I go on de railroad a pusson come around befo' we hev gone five miles an' demands do far a If I go to de postoffice fur a stamp de clerk reaches out fur my two cent* afore he tears de stamp off. If I want to borry sugar or tea de nayburs ar' jist out. If I go to rent a house de owner wants a month's rent in advance. "De good ole days, when man had faith in man, an' when to doubt a man's word meant dat he was a rascal, hev departed, probably never to return. It grieves and pains ma I «rant to hev faith, an' I doan' wpnt to doubt but de state of affairs affects mo mo' or lm I find myself hesitatin' when Waydown Be bee wants de loan of my Sunday coat to at tend a pruy'r meotin'. I find myself fish in' fur excuses when Pickles Smi h wants de loan of half a dollar fur a week. I cotch myself wonderin' if Shindig Watkins takes mo fur a haystack when he sends his boy ober to bor row my Persian rag to lay in front of hi* stove de night he has a party. It grieves ma. It fills mo wid sadness." The meeting then adjourned.—Detroit FT** Press. Getting at the Right. "Look a-here !" he began, as be entered the Ninth avenue station the other day. "Ha* a feller any right to kick my dog?" "What did your dog do?" asked the mr geant "Nothing." "Then he had no right." "That's what I say." "Did he do anything else!" "Yes, he kicked me, but I didn't intend to my anything about that What I want to know, and what I've walked ten miles to find out is If a feller has a right to kick a dog who ain't doing nothing bnt lying behind a stover "No, he has not" "Well, that satisfies ma It's just as I thought And now if my dog ever comet back, and if I ever get my eyes on that chAp again, I'm a-going to prove that I was right" —Detroit Free Prosa How to Get Rich. "James," said the proprietor, "have you marked all the holiday stock up 25 per cent ?" "Yes, sir." "Then put a sign on the window saying that we are selling out at cost "—Clothier and Furnisher._ A Good Chance. Tobacco Chewing Husband (after ascend ing the stairs)—I'm all out of breath. Wife—Then kb* me, pleasa— New Yorti Weeklv.