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Helena, Montana, Thursday, October 24, 1889. No. 46 tfr Cl cltljf eralil. R. E. FISK 0. W. FISK A. J. FISK. Publisher» and Proprietors. Largest Circulation of any Paper in Montana Rates ot Subscription. WEEKLY 'herald: One Year. (In »«Ivan«"«*).............................83 00 £•» Months, (In advance)............................... 1 75 Three Months, (In advance).......................... 1 00 \Vhen not paid for in advance the ride will be Four Dollars per yearl Postage,all cases Prepaid. DAILY HERALD: (Ity Hubscri be rs,delivered by carrier 81.00a month One Year, by mail, (in advance)................. 89 00 Si* Months, by mail, (in advance)............... 5 00 Three Months, by mail, (in advance)........... 2 50 If not paio in advance, 812 per annum. (Entered at the Postottice at Helena as second class matter.] WA11 communications should be addressed to FISK EROS., Publishers, Helena, Montana. [For the Herald,] BIRTH OF MONTANA. Proud ron, arise! Proclaim thy birth! Montana's fame resound throughout the world ! Hid nations welcome to thy golden hearth, Thy mountain home, thy Appian way, Life's giving joys, an empire's regal wealth ! Long live the king ! Montana lives to-day ! Thy stately throne, with ribs of burnished light, Wh< se halo breathes sweet welcome words of hope To all; all compeers, from the Golden Gate To Atlanta's shore- the Heavens above, With salvos royal, invite each sister State To mountain home and true Montana love. Shine, proud Montana! Thy silvery star rides high! Commingling flashes from every goldrn mine Illumines the haven of this our parad'se, Within whose gates warm hearts may never sever. Hut sing our songs until the welkin rings— Long live the king—Montana lives forever! Ever and forever! So say we all—Amen ! K« sounding from the heart of every happv home 'Mid dells and spires, loved sentinels of the past, Still held in reverence by the Hard Divine. May He in goodness devote our paradise To his loved mortals for all coming time. PREFERENCES AMI TREASURES I'd rather drink cold water from the 1 rook Than quaff excitement from a goh'en chalice; I'd rather tleep on straw In the shephe'd's hut Than He awake and rettl« ss in a palace. I'd rather earn dry bread in lusty health. And eat it with a sense of w holesome pleasure, Thun feed withe ut the zest < f appetite. Off gorgeous plate 'tnld unavailing treasure. I'd rather have one true, unfailing friend, Than fifty parasites to crave my bounty; And one poor lass who loved me for myself Than ore without a heart wuo owned a county. Nature is kind if oOr desires are pure, And strews rich bl« ssings every where around us; . While fortune, if we pant in her pursu t. Too often grants her favors to confound us. Fresh air and sunshine, flowers and health and l° Ve > , At These are endowments, if we learn to pr.ze then ; , ,, The wise man's treasures, better far than gold. And none but fools and wicked men despise them. HOW A GIRL. GO T ENGAGED. Across the fields as we idly strolled, (n the cloudless summer day, The winds were wafting the rare perfume From the meadows of new' mown hay. Ai d our bear's we're 1 still as c>ur lips kept time To our steps on that pleasant way. And down where the brock like a w'ayward child Rushes on o'er tlie pebbly floor, And sprli kies the rocks with its diamond spray, And ripp es a!ong the shore, We stopped at the crossing; I gave him my hand And trustingly fol'owed him o'er. And when, in the twilight, we came again, Our lips for the once w ere » till, And he held my hands as we croised the stream, And hardly against my will ; For I gave my h* art where I gave my Band, At the f< ot of the noisy rill. And when In the shade of the vine-dad potd 1 We parted, it seemed to ma The stars were twinkling In rare delight. Though I'm sure no eye could see If the spot oil my cheek had a crimson blu9h, And my heart an ecstasy. SOME IFS. If all the folks In this 'ere world Was only what they should be. It takes my breath away ter think How good a world It would be. If, when a man a lishtn' goes, He'd tell the truth about It, He'd make his word so mighty good No one 'ud dare to doubt it. If, 'fore a feller went ter spark, He'd p actice on his sister, He'd larn to watch fur the win gum And hairpins when he kissed her. If girls 'ud drop their fancy work. And larn ter help their mothers, It wculdn't be a month afore The>'d be a-swoppln' brothers. If all the old maids In the world Wuz rich as Julius Cæsar. 1 haln't a doubt the sourest one *Ud find some fool ter squeeze er. If folks 'ud mind their own affairs, .* n' let their neighbors suffer, W e w< uldn't bear so mrch complaint O' times a geltm' tougher. Hard Lines for Women. What can a helpless female do ? Rock the cradle, and bake, and brew, Or, if no cradle your fate sfford. Rock your brother's wife s for j o Or live in one room with an invalid cousin. Or sew shop shirts for a dollar a ' Or please some man by I®®***??," . Or pica e him by giving him thj8 Or plea* e him by asking »up 11 And thinking whatev. r he does Is nice, Visit the poor under his supervi . Doctor the sick who can t P»y * P- J' . ' Bave men's time by doing tbelr pF ' j n And other c dd jot s there s no present p y Rut If you presume to usurp e V ' V Vn foyru e n t s, Reserved by them for their Or if you succeed when .hey kne ï_ ^uldn't. Or earn money fsst when the y J above Or learn to do things they proved were aoo You hurt their feelings, and then tl ey won lov you.__ m — Beginnings of Evil. A bounding stone that soon becomes a m g F * -'' m As «.Ä, beg-nrln«. «< "° w IO Bides His Time. , his time- he tastes the sweet 7 in tie "ältest tear; rh he fares with slowest feet, \ to meet him, drawing near , are heralds of his cause, e a never-ending rh F m *' ides bloom in h's applause, es bis time. tor Mi < ---- Me /mm > & m Vftfl v"- * Si-# -'*4.7'/,'^ /v. * FRANCES H. BURNETT. The Popular English»American Au« thoress. Our portrait is of Mrs. Frarces Hodgson Burnett, who was born in Manchester, England, and resided there until her tenth year. Her father's death led to the break ing up of the home and to the coming of the family to this country. They Fettled at Knoxville, Tennessee, where lived an uncle of the future wri'er. The war had broken up his business and Mrs. Hodgson took a farm, but failed to make it pay. Frances, who was given to writing, in 1868 received thiity five dollars for two stories. Her pen had found a market, and has never failed of one since. She was married to Dr. Bnrnett, a yonDg physician of Knox ville, in 1873. and soon after went to Eng land, where he studied the specialty in his profession in which he bas since made a reputation. He is a successful oculist in Washington. mi "«sülfSS? mm WILLIAM E. CURTIS, Secretary of the International Amer ican Congress. William Eleroy Curtis, Secretary of the Congress of American Nations, at Washing ton, is a well known Washington corres pondent. He is a native of Akron, O, and is thirtv-feven years old. He was educated at Clinton, N. Y, and at Western Reserve College, O., graduating at the latter institu tion in the class of 1871. H:s father was a Presbyterian Minister. When he was liv ing in Sherburne, a little village in Che naDgo county, N. Y., forty miles south of Utica, the eon, then a mere lad, learned to set type. At the end of his freshman year in college, yonng Curtis applied at the office of the Cleveland Leader for a job at type-setting. Mr. Cowles gave him a note to the city editor of the Leader . who as signed him to report a Woman's Suffrage convention. He remained on the city staff of the Leader daring that vaca'ion, and his subsequent vacations. After his gradua tion he went to Erie, Pa., to take a position as night editor. In 1874 he went to Wash ington, where he resided until August, 1880, when he returned to Chicago to be come managing editor of the Inter Ocean. He held the position until the summer of 1884, when he was appointed secretary of the South American Commission by Presi dent Arthur. During his absence he wrote letters to both the eecnlar and religious press. _ _ _ A Big Gun. A cast-steel gun, weighing 235 (135 ?) tons, has just been shipped by Messrs. Krnpp from Hamburgh for Cronstad. The calibre of the gnn is 13} inches, the barrel is 30 feet in length, its greatest diameter being 6} feet The range of the gnn is over eleven miles, and it will fire two shots per minute, each shot costing between £250 and £300. At trials of the gnn held in the presence of Russian officers at Meppen, the range of the Essen firm, the projectile, 4 feet feet long and weighing 1.800 pounds, and propelled by a charge of 700 pounds of powder, penetrated 19} inches of armor and wont 1,312 yards beyond the target The gnn is the largest in existence. Washington's Old Home. The quaint old stone house at New burgh. N. Y., used by Washington as head quarters, is yet standing and is preserved in its digital form outride and in. It is the property of the State of New York, and in the custody of the corporation of Newburgh. It presents the remarkable feature in one room, wtich Washington used as a dicing reom, of seven doors and only one window, with a hnge fireplace, which is large enough to admit of roasting a small bollock whole. The house is filled with relics of the Revolution.— jFVowi Loss ing's "The Empire State." _ Didn't Speak as She Passed by. She looked very swett In a tailor-made dress. And a hat that mstched the gown. We flirted a little I must coi fess, Nor did she kill me by a frown, Fut that very nigt t, Ab! sad to tell, T gave up my hope with a sign. She was a waiter-girl At the big hotel And she helped me to the pie. — Washington Stcr. NOT IN THE STATUTES. Getting a Defendant Out of a Very Close Coiner. Judge C--, of Vermont, was fond of a joke, when it could be "done" without special injury to public or individual rights. On one occasion, as he was traveling toward the northern pprt of the State, to hold a term of court in the county of W —, he came to a public house where a justice's couit was in session. As it was late, and the weather cold aod wet, he con eluded to put up for the night. Sending h's horse to the stable, be entered the bar room, which he found crowded with peo ple, who seemed greatly excited about the case on trial. He had thrown off hisonter garments, and was composing himself be fore a good, old-fashioned blazing fire, when a yonng man came np to him, and, bowing respectfnlly, asked his assistance in the case. "The evidence," he said, "is all agin' me; but they say Yer Honor is death on des perit cases, ard mine ain't so bad as it might be, after all." Upon irquiry, the Judge learned that his applicant had been arrested fe- wan tonly upsetting a chain of sap in his neighbors sugar-lot. The youngster had been canght in the very act by two respect able witnesses, and thus the evidence was, as he said, "clear agin' him." After hearing all the facts the Judge in formed him that it was really a desperate case, but be added: "I will watch the progress of the trial and if an opportunity presents itself I will help yon." Accordingly he threw open the door leading from his apartment to the room where the trial was going on and sat a careless spectator of the proceedings. The counsel for the State pat in his tes timony and proved the charge conclusively. Thereupon the magistrate turned upon the respondent and with a stern voice asked him if he had "got anything to say to all this 'ere evidential testimony?" The prisoner was dumb, but looked im ploringly toward the Judge, who at once arose and approached the table at which the Jnstice was sitting. "You needn't think ye can do any kinder good here, for ihe mind of this court is en tirely made up about this consarn; that I can tell ye, mieter." "May it please Your Honor," t aid the Judge, bowing very gracefully, "it is no doubt true that the charge made against the respondent is fully sns'ained by the testimony. I do not deny it, but for all that he has a defense." "A defense! What is it ?" growled the court. "And, Your Honor, it is this : I profess to know a little about law, having prac ticed more than thirty years pas*, especial ly the statute '.laws of Vermont. Now, Your Honor, I may be mistaken, but I am confident there is nothing in the statute books of Vermont agaiust upsetting an empty churn or a churn full ot sap. I beg of the court not to reiy upon my word, but if Your Honor is not satisfied upon this point I would recommend an examination of the statutes." The counsel for the State rose to reply. "Stop ! stop!" vociferated the court, "this p'int must be settled before we move an other inch." And thereupon, seizing the statute book and turning to the index he began search ing ander the letter C 'or the word Churn Not finding it he next looked urder S for Sap. Not finding Sap he continued his search under the title of U for Upsetting. Still unsuccessful he looked under the title "Crimes and Misdemeanors." Finally he'rumaeed the book from beginning to end, and finding it silent upon the subject of "upsetting churns," be arose, and, addressing the pr soner, said: "Yonng man, this 'ere court is satisfied that there ain't nothin' in the laws of Ver mont agin lippin' over a chnrnfnll of sap. There ain't nothin' about churns, anyway —nor sap, nuther. But I want ye should remember one thing—that this 'ere court has made np its mind that it's a shame that there's so many maple trees in this State and no law agin' tippin' over sap." Whereupon the prisoner was released. No Chance for Jim. A gtntleman who had lived for several years in the West bad come East on a visit to his native town, says the Youth's Com panion, when he was waited upon by an old negro woman who said: "I beg yo' pardon fo' takin' de lib'ty ob callin' on yo' bnt I heahs yo' lib ont in de West." "Yes, I do," replied the gentleman. "Well, I jess wanted to ask if yo' reckon dar'd be any chance for my Jim ont dar ?" "How old is he ?" "He's moa 24, sah." "And what does he want to do ?" "Dar's de trouble, sah ; dar's de trouble," said ihe anxious mother, lowering her voice to a confidential whisper and looking around the room to see if they were alone. 'De fact ob de bnainesa is dat Jim don' wanter to anyt'hing. He wants ter be a gemmen, Jim does. He's agin wuk, en he don' wanter do nnffin. How yo' reckon he'd make it ont dar where yon come from ?" The gentleman felt it his duty to inform the mother that the West, as well as the East, already contained too many men or Jim's cla ss. _ — Iron-Clad Sinners. On the death bed of Cardinal Ximenes it was discovered that the persecutor of the Moriscoe had supplemented the protection of his patron saint by wearing an under shirt of chain-armor, reaching from his neck almost down to his hips, and a simi lar modification of his thirst for the glory of martyrdom has induced the Czar to order the construction of several iron clad railway trains. The first six cars of the locomotive fortifications have just been finished, completely covered with plate armor, supplemented by a layer of pressed cork that will make them bullet and al most bomb shell proof. As an additional precant ion the cars are connected by cov ered vestibvlee, thns enabling a modest travel« r to effectually conceal his move ments from the spy-glasses of inquisitive out* iders._ __ Life. Let ns be like a bird, one i ne tant lighted Upon a twig Un t swings; He feels it yield, but swings on nnaffrighted, Knowing he hatb bis wings. V m g? m m A ' SSCJ. yî LE WIS A. GROFF. Commissioner of the General Land Office. Lewis A. Groff, of Omaha, Nebraska,has succeeded as Land Commissioner, Strother M. S'ockslager, resigned. It is stated that Judge Groff was selected because he was recommended as being a skilled lawyer and one thoroughly conversant with everything pertaining to the Land Office in the West. He was born in Wooster, Ohio, in Decem ber, 1841. In 1867 be wa* admitted o the bar) and immediately afterward began practice in the city ot rob do He at once became a prominent figure in politics, and continued as such until 1870, when he re moved to Lincoln, Nebraska. In 1877 he removed to Omeha, where he hos sir ce lived. Although a strong Repubbcan, he was elected District Judge in 188/ on tie noD partisan ticket, and has since attended to nearly all the criminal business in the district. - ÿif nr lilt iS m m SETR LOW, Elected President ot Columbia Col lege, New York. Seth Low, who has commanded consid erable attention in the political world, has accepted the presidency of Columbia Col lege, New York. He was born in Brooklyn on January 18, 1850, aDd was graduated from Columbia College in 1870. Mr. Low entered the mercantile house of his father, a prominent and wealthy maD, and in 1875 became a partner. He was a founder of the Brooklyn Bureau of Charities and its first president. In 1881 he was nominated for Mayor of Brooklyn by the Republicats and was elected. He was re-eltcted i.i 1883. Since his graduation he has kept op the warmest interest in college affairs. He served one year as president of the Alnmni Association. In 1881 he became a trustee of Colombia College, and be has since that time made many valuable suggestions as to the conduct of college affairs. Last spring he made an address to the college under gradnates at a bazaar held by them on the subject of athletics. Mr. Low's views, as expressed at that time, met with the heart iest approval of the students. The new president is not a profound bat he is a good scholar, and his administration, without doubt, will be business like and effective. She Was Unusually Discreet. A little Maine girl recently visited New York and went to the theater two or three times. On her return home she was relue tant to go to church on Sunday and made the remark that she " liked those meetings best where the enrtains rose." Her father, who was a leading church member, cau tioned her about making that remark when the callers were present. Shortly alter the minister was shown in and the little girl entertained him awhile alone. When her father entered the room she said : " Papa, I've told the minister all about my visit to New York, bnt I didn't say anything about the meetings where the curtains rose and I ain't going to, either." The little rogne was just about as discreet as her pa was when he told her to keep mnm. Why mumness?— Rockland Free Press. Proved a Fool. A mnfti once read in a learn«d book that every one who wears a long beard is a fool. Now, the mufti's beard was long. He de cided to shorten it, bat as no barber was at hand, and of course of no scissors, he was forced to try what the flame of bis lamp wonld do. Accordingly, grasping the beard with his hand at wbat he deeemed a rea sonable distance from his chin, he pat the tip into the blaze. Up flew the fire and burnt his fingen; and when, in agony of paiD, he plnckcd bis band away, the fiâmes completed their work over cheeks and crown* Then the mnfti realized that he who wears a long beard is a fool. Heavenly Feet. Some nice yonng women in Wisconsin have form« d what they call a "Heavenly Foot Society" to prevent women who ought to wear a number five boot from crowding their toes into a numbtr two shoe. We are afraid the society will never prove popular. It asks too much from human nature. No amount of persuasion or faith will make a woman believe that a big shoe is heavenly. HE GOT THE OFFICE. General Morrow and the Michigan Collectorship. Henry A Morrow was a lawyer in Michi gan before the war. He raised the Twenty fourth Michigan infantry in 1862 and came out a Major General. After the war he was made Lieutenant Colonel ot the Thirty-sixth infantry. In 1869 he was transferred to the Thirteenth infantry, and in 1879 he was made Colonel of the Twen ty-first infantry. He was born in Vir ginia. Three times in the rtbellionhe was brevetted for bravery. At the beginning of Andrew Jobnfon's administration Gen. Morrow made an excursion into the civil service. Everybody liked him in Michigan, and he had no particular trouble in secur ing the Detroit Collectorship if only Zach Cbandl« r was willing. His canvass for the place had not proceeded in exactly the lines which the great Michigan Sen ator would have drawn; that is to say, the great Michigan Senator was not consulted. Gen. Morrow and Senator Chandler happened to go from Washington to Detroit in the same sleeper after the candidate for collector had made a successful visit to the White House, and, though they were well acquainted, old Zach was so much pot out that hs hadn't a word to say to Morrow on the whole journey. It looked blue, therelore, for the would be collector when he reached Ditroit, for what could finally be accomplished in Michigan without the aid of the greatest Wolverine since Lewis Cass? In reciting the story, as Gen. Morrow hrs been obliged to do maDy times since then, be always pats in, that in this, as in every other crisis in his or any other man's life, he consulted a woman if he really desired success. His wife happened to be out of town, but he knew another lady of great tact and ingenuity, who had been devoted to his interests, and he consulted her. She had an idea the first thing. She said: "To morrow is a parade of soldiers. You will be with them You will tide horse back. As you pass the grand stand I will Jo out myself and throw a great wreath of flowers over your horse's neck. After that I think you will be sure to have an ovation all along the street. Certainly many other women will send flowers to you as yoa proceed. Senator Cta: dler will waive his opposition after this populxrdt monstratb n in your favor. '' •Jove!" said one of general's listen«rs when he had told the story, "How could you help kissing the la4y after that?' "Her husband was present," the general replied. "I bad to kies her on another oc casion " The parade day came The lady did not throw the wr«ath around the horse's neck, but aoued the general's. It was big erongh to bang down under bis arm to his saddle. The lady's husband joined heartily and prepared an immerse bouquet for Gen. Morrow 'o carry in his bard. He also pro vided a string by which it might be tied to the saddle. The scheme wotked to perfection. Gen. Mo: row was loaded wiih flowers before the end of the march was r«a<hed. He took pairs to dismount near where Senator Chandier was. O.'d Zach marchsd up to him and said : "Geterai, you're the next collector of Detroi'." Fane or Corn > A traveler crossing Kansas saw for the first a great field of sugar cane, bat mis took it for Indien corn, which it somewhat resembles, «ays the Youth's Companion. In tending to be affable, he S3id to an old farmer sitting near him in the car: "That's a fine field of corn, sir." "Call it corn np yonr way, do yon ?" was the response. "Why, isn't it?" "Well, it mongnt be corn, mebbe," said the farmer with a slow smile. "It monght be corn just as onr old cat monght have been a rabbit the time he got shot fur one." "How's that ?" "Well, old Toir was licking his way through the wood back of onr house one day as fast as he could cat, and my son Jack was ont wi'h his gun and shot him down fnr a rabbit. When we come to jibe Jack about it he says, says he: 'We 1, I low he monght have Bbowed more ears.' " The traveler laughed heartily as he glanced from the car window at the slen der, carles stalks of the sugar care, and he laughed again as the farmer concluded: "An'jest in the same way, stranger, that thur cane monght have been corn if it had contrived to show more ears." A Bright Boy. Farmer Silkens has a son who, while being reasonably expert at following the plough, has not neglected the more grace ful arts that cluster ronnd a pack of cards. The other evening the farmer went to the door and called : "Joshut.! oh, Joshua!" "Wait a minute, p«p," came the response from the barn. "Wait a minnit? Well, I guess not. I hain't spent all these years raisin' you to be waitin' on yon when I <»11 yon." A shock-headed yonth emerged, and as he came towards the house the old gentle man said : "Now, sir, I want you to tell me why you didn't come right off when I called yon?" "Well, yon see, them fellers from the city are back in the barn, and they've each got about seventy-five cents left ont of ten dollars. We said we'd p!ay one more jack poL, and I thought—" "Go right back, son,and take yonr time." Altered By Age. A portrait painter once called npon by a man who asked him to paint the likeness of his father. "But where is your fathei?' asked the painter. "Oh, he died ten years ago." "Then bow can I paint him?" asked the artist. "Why," was the reply, "I have juet seen yonr portrait of Moses. Sorely, if you can paint the portrait of a man who died thousands of years ago, you ce n more easily paint tne portrait of my father, who has on!y been dead ten years." Seeing the sort of a man with whom he had to deal, the artist undertook the work. When the picture was finished the newly blossomed art patron was called in to see it. He gazed at it in silen«» for some time, his eyes filling with tears, and then softly and reverently said: "So that is my fathei? Ah, how he has changed!" w f w sat ss.A/.y JOHN MILLER Governor Elect of North Dakota. The recent election in North Dakota pre paratory to its admission into the sister hood of States, resulted in the election, by 12,000 majority, of "Farmer" Miller, Re publican, for Governor of the prospective commonwealth. The Governor elect is ahoot forty years old and a native of New York State. Dryden was his birthplace. He was brought np as a farmer's son and received only a common school e ucation. Preferring a mercantile life to farming, at a suitable age he became clerk in a country store. He has lived in Dakota about nine years, going there in 1880 as an employe of the Dwight Farm & Land Company, with his residence at Dwight, Richmond county. In 1888 he was elee'ed to the Territorial Council. As a member of that body he gained the popularity that has «suited in the distinction he will enjoy of being the first Governor of North Dakota. i - JE1 WZ >*rv ' a--*' FELIX ZFGIRR0, Pernvian Minister to the United Ncates. Zegarro, Peruvian Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary to the United States, is also the leading member of the Pernv'au delegation to the Congress of American Nations in Washington. He was born in Piura, noithern Peru, about forty years ago, but was educated at George town College, District of Columbia, his father beiDg Peruvian Minister to Wash ington during the Buchanan administra tion. In 1864 he took his d«gree of A. B at the institution named, which gave him bis A. M in 1865. At home in P«ru he studied law in the National University, and is a lawyer of eminence, a literary man and a man of science. He began his diplomatic career in 1869 as Secretary of Legation at Santiago, Chili, where he was subsequently charge d'affaires. Later he was Secretary of the Treasury in the Peru vian Cabinet. _______ Ihe Safety Coffin. Once a Week. One of the most curious inv ntions of 1868 was that of a safety ccffiD, intended to obviate the re-alts of premature burial and invent* d by M. Vester, a German. The coffin was made larger than required by the s ze of the body; it bad at the head a movable lid, communicating with the open air by mears of a pquare trongh from the bottom of the grave. The arrange ment was snch that a person might thus rradily escape from the tomb. The in ventor proposed to place refreshments in the coffin as a prudent precaution against starvation. Corpses by Mail. The British post office seems to be an nnnsaally accommodating institution. A Hindo living in London iecenty died and his friends wished the remains sent to his home in India Application was made to the postal authorities to find ont whether the cadaver coaid be sent by mail if cre mated, and a stereotyped reply was re ceived Btating that "so long as the package did not exceed eleven pounds in weight it wonld be forwarded in the regular way." British phlegm! Mahogany Railroad Ties. [Mexican Correspondence. 1 Ths next day we rode for miles through magn fieent forests of mahogany and ebony trees. It may seem strange, but it is the plain truth—for miles and miles through this country the Monterey and Galt rail road will use mahogany ties, and the tim ber used in the construction of its bridgfs will be of the same material, and oiten ebony will be used. Vas forests of these precious woods stretch for miles on either side of the roadbed, and the sound of the woodman's ax has never yet disturbed the stillness of the virgin spot. Burlesque Epitaphs. [Harper's Magazine ] It has often been said that the chief characteristic of the epitaph is its lack of veracity, bnt it is perhaps better that it should err on the side of kindliness rather than wound the Jiving by a brodai truth fulness, as in the case ot an inscription written for the tombstone of a lazy man by one who knew him well: "Asleep (as nsual)." WIIAT THE WITS SAY. An Adequate Cause. Ed—I have a pain in my ear. Ned—Ah! Been talking to yourself.— Exchange. Calling a Spade a Shovel. Waiter—What'll you have, sir ? Smith—Plate of warm hash. Waiter (shouting)—Plate of Browning a la Amelia Rives.— Time. Twelve Hours' Start. "Is the president of the baok in ?" asked a depositor. ' Yes, he is in $50,000," answered the teller. He skipped last night.— Epoch. Shocking. Prisci'la—Ycu mustn't do that again, Sam. Sam (whohad jast taken a kiss)—What's the harm, Pris ? There's no one about here. Prieci'la—But look at the wheat in the field. It is all standing there shocked. His Usual Capacity. Popinjay—I understand that Bigsby, although not a member, was present at yonr clnb hartjuet the other night? Bloodgood—Y«s, that's a fact. Popinjay—In wbat capacity, if I may ask ? Bloodgood—Oh, his usual capacity— about nine quarts.— Burlington Free Press. A Detect in Physiognomy. Mrs. Primus—That far away look in Mr. Brantleigh's eyes is very fascinating, Mrs. Secundns, and yet his face is disappointing. Mrs. Secundns—Yes, Mrs. Primus, his nose aDd mouth appear too near at hard for the far-away look in his eyes. He ought to wear strong glasses.— Life. In a Fix. [Glasgow Weekly Mail. | Mrs. Muggins—It's a-raining and Mrs Goodsoul wants to go home and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Cau't I let her have yon«? Mr. Muggins—Hardly ! The only um brella I have has her husband's name on the handle. Too Late. [Cloth'er ana Furnisher ] "No, George," she muttered, as the mis erable youth knelt in a passionate frenzy at her fee', "I can never be yours." "Well, Cara," he answered bitterly,as h« rose quickly, "you might at bast have told me so before ar.d saved me from bagging these trousers." He Took It. Life : Canvasser—I have here a work— Master of the House—I can't read. Canvasser—But your children— Master of the Ilozse—I have no children (triomphai tly ). Nothing but a cat. Canvasser—Well, you want something to throw at the cat. (He took it.) The Truthful Boy. Lawrence American: Mr Goodcatch (call ing on the eldest sist)—Why, Johnny, how you are growing. You'll be a man before your sister if you keep ou. Johnuy—You bet I will. Sister'll never be a man if she keeps on being twenty like she has for the last five years. Then there was trouble in the house hold. Both Tanned. Terre Haute Express : "My !'' exclaimed Mrs. Flagg, "I look like a perfect fright. I never had any idea I would get tanned so much in the course of a short week." "Me, too, ma," said Tommy, who bad stayed at home to help his father keep house while his mother was enjoying her vacation. A Contented Child. [New York Weekly.1 Fond mother—How do you like yonr new governess, Johnny? Johnny—Oh, I like her ever so much. "1'm so glad ay little boy has a n'ce teacher at Jast." "Ob, ehe'8 awful nice. She says she don't care whether I learn anything or not eo long as pop pays her salary." Peculiar Abseutmindedness. Texas Siftings: "Police! Police! Here is a pickpocket!" exclaimed a gentleman in a crowd, seizing a man by the arm. "I'm no pickpocket!" retorted the sus pected party. "Wbat »re you doing with your hands in my pants pocket, then ?" "I am so absent minded I thought I was patting my hand in my own pocket. I've got a pair of pants at home made jnst like those ^ They Didn't Want Hi*n. Richmond Herald • A chnrch committee went to hear a pastor with a view to a call. They were delighted with the sermon, and resolved to assure him of a call if he wonld promise to give it a favorable consideration, and went directly to him and told him the object of their visit. The preacher replied: "Will yonr people give np attending theatres holding progressive euchre pir ties, etc ? The committee replied: "No, they will not " "Then," replied the preacher, "you don't want the goods I have to sell." The Midnight Kind. Time: Mrs. Grnbbs—Mornin', Mr. Jenks. I want a gallon of oil. Mr. Jenks (the grocerer)—Yes'm; white oil, I suppose as usual? "Ne; I guess I'll hev some 'midnight' oil ef you've got enny. My boy's home from college, and he said ht'd have to burn some." Providence Cares For ns. Detroit Free Press: A Texas man who was innocent of crime was sent to prison for tw«lve years. He thought himself for saken by Providence, but as the officials did not oblige him to cat his hair, be came ont with it hanging down to bis knees, and adimemnsenm man gives him $40 per week for a year How little we know what is for onr own good. Saved a Life. [Time J Solomon Isaackson—Haf yon heard the news, Sbacob, dot [ haf safed dose lifes of Rhenben Cohen dhis morning alretty? "Nein, meine frendt, hew was dot?" "He fell off de dock und conldn't sebwim." "Und you c chumped in und helluped him oud?" "Ach, dn lieber ! I schreams: 'Come ood and I pays you dot ten dollar I owe you,' and be climbs dot water oud like a doock." The Eloquence of Mnsic. Music! O how faii.t. how weak, Language ade« before thy spell ! Why should feeling ever speak. When thou c«.n.-t breathe her soul so well?