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The Western news. (Stevensville, Mont.) 1890-1977, July 23, 1902, Image 3

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Th« "vater-cnre" practice will at
least tend to kçep the American hobo
«nt of the Philippines.—Philadelphia
He—It is reported around town that
we arp engaged. She—Is It? What
Idiotic things people do say!— Borner
Tille Journal
Gladys—They say Harold is an ex
pert In the art of self-defense. Evelyn
—Nonsense! Edith made him propose
in just one week!
"Johnny, where did you hear that
bad word?" "Why* papa, didn't you
know that mamma played ping-pong Î"
—The Tale Record.
"Goodness! how that railroad stock
does fluctuate." "Yes, it's a wise rail
road stock that knows Its own par."—
Philadelphia Press.
Muggins—Youngpop is going to have
his baby christened Bill. Bugglns—How
strange. Muggins—Oh, I don't know.
He came on the first of the month.
Elderly Lady—Aren't you ashamed
to be seen smoking cigarettes, little
boy? Little Boy—Sure 1 am; but wot's
a feller to do when he ain't got de
price of a cigar?—Philadelphia Rec
Popularity: "Do you think he would
be a success in politics?" "Yes, In
deed. Why, he has thoroughly master
ed the knack of looking Interested
when he is being bored."—Chicago
Teacher—Now, Ethel, who wrote
the "Elegy in a Country Çburchyard?"
Ethel—Please, ma'am, it was Willie
Smif. I seen him goin' In the churcn
yard at recess, ma'am.—Chicago Dally
Eleanor—What made you give up so
ciety, Edmonia? Edmonla— Oh! I got
so dead-tired of seeing people who are
nobody trying to act like somebody;
and people who are somebody actin'
like nobody.
First Boy (contemptuously)—Huh 1
Your mother takes in washln'. Second
Roy—Oh, course; you didn't s'pose
she'd leave it hangln' out overnight
unless yout father was in prison, did
At the concert: Fosdick—Why do
you applaud such a long and weari
some sonata? Keedlck—I've been sit
ting so long that all my limbs have
gone to sleep. I wish to restore the
circulation.—J udge.
"When a young* man Is in love," said
Uncle Eben, "don't blame him If he's
kind o' hard to get along wif. He can't
help habbin' de Idea dat any one who
kin win de 'fectlons of sech a tine lady
must be Bumpin' great."
"I'm fixed." said the young doctor;
"I've got a big enough practice to keep
me in easy circumstances for life."
"But suppose you should lose half your
patients?" "I'll just double my bills
on the others."—Philadelphia Press.
Greene—They tell me you send
good many things to the magazines, as
well as to the dally papers. Come,
now, is there any money in literature?
Browser—If there Isn't it Is no fault
of mine. I never took any out of It.
A Georgia man, who has gone to
Washington In search of a government
job, gives as his qualifications: "I
cannot only write poetry and novels,
but there ain't a government mule that
can throw me!"— Atlanta Constitution.
Little boy (pointing to window -f
India rubber shop)—\ytiat are those?
Mamma—Those are diving suits, made
all of India rubber so that the diver
won't get wet. Little boy—I wish I
had one. Mamma—What for, my dear?
Little boy—To wear when you wash
me.—Chicago News. v
Mrs. Hicksy (who is entertaining her
little son's playmate, aged 5, to dinner)
—Willie, can you cut your own meat?
Willie (who is struggling with a piece
on his plate)—Yes. thank you (with a
desperate saw at the beef). I've cut
quite as tough meat sb this at home.—
Glasgow Evening Times.
"Music Is a very desirable accom
plishment," said Mehitabel's mother.
"That's right," answered, her father.
"If a girl likes a young man she can
play comic opera, and make him feel
perfectly at home, and if she doesn't
she can give him a few samples from
a sonata and make him weary."—
Washington Star.
A blessing in disguise: "I was so
aorry to hear a fox bad been stealing
your poultry again. How unfortunate
you are!" "Oh, we can bear It, miss,
you kindly. You see the Slop
shire Hunt country comes on our farm
on one side, and the Jowlers on the
- other, so we make a claim on both, and
they each pay for the old hens!"—
Brown (in the middle of tall shoot
ing story)—Hardly had 1 taken aim
at the lion on my right, when l heard
a rustle in the jungle grass, and per
ceived an enormous tiger approaching
on my left. I now found myself on the
horns of a dilemma! Interested Little
Boy—Ob, and which did you shoot first
—the lion, or the tiger, or the dilemma?
One morning the minister gravely ob
served to the girl— "Jessie, 1 hope you
say your prayers every night." "Ay, I
dae that, sir! Last night I prayed for
you an' the meestress." "Indeed. Jes
sie; why?" queried the reverend gentle
man. "Jessie, without hesitation, re
sponded, while pointing contemptuous
ly to the ping-pong appliances— "Sir.
whan I see you an' the meestress sao
far left tae yersels as tae play at that
nonesense. I'm thinking that ye baith
sair need prayin' fori" \
Z> a constitutional disease.
It originates in a scrofulous condition ot
the blood and depends on that condition.
h often causes headache mid dizaines«,
ifnpairs the taste« smell and hearing, af
fects the vocal organs, disturbs the stomach,
It is always radically and permanently
cured by the blood-purifying, alterative
and tonic action of
Hood's Sarsaparilla
This great medicine has wrought the most
wonderful cures of all diseases depending
on scrofula or the scrofulous habit.
Hood's Pills are the bait cathartic.
Back Talk,
Mr. Spatz —It's not polite to yawn
in the presence of company the way
you did.
Mrs. Spatz— I know that, but I
did put my hand up to my mouth,
Mr. Spatz — That's not sufficient'.
You should use something that would
completely conceal your mouth.—Phil
adelphia Press.
Don't Get Footsore! Get Foot-Ease.
It is a certain cure for sweating, callous and
hot, tired, aching feet. Makes new or fight
shoeseasy. Tryittoday. Sold by all Druggista.
Price 26c. Don't accept a substitute. Sample
sent FREE. Address Allen 8. Olmsted, Le Roy,
N. Y.
On the Links.
Miss Shapely (as she misses her drive
at the second tee and falls)—Oh, Fred,
come and help me up! I know my
ankle is turned.
Fred (looking down admiringly)—
Yes, and mighty well turned too.
Oursd. Ho Sts « aemrasnsar
T'suaeof Dr. KUao'iiGnat Nnrvs
Coral is a shell of carbonate of lime,
inhabitted by an animal, which can
be readily detected under the micro
scope in any piece of live coral freshly
taken from the water.
We are not to blame because you
have Rheumatism; but you are—if
you do not try Hamlin's Wizard Oil.
A Selfish Pica.
Cora—And why should I think twice
before I refuse you?
Merritt—Because, my dear, a girl
never thinks twice the same.
Mothers will find Mrs. Winslow's Sooth
ing Syrup the best remedy to use for their
children during the teething period.
Honor is one of those things that lie
who seeks it shall not find it.
Mlioholl Wagon.
Boot on Earth
Because it la made of the beat material possible
to buy. The manufacturers absolutely pay 25
to-36 per cent above the market price of best
grades of wugon timber for the privilege of cul
ling over and skimming off the cream of the
wagon stock, which is carried for 3 to 5 years be
fore making up. which means an investment in
wood stock of nearly one million dollars.
MITCHKLL Wagons are unsurpassed for
quality, proportion, finish, strength and light
Why—take chances on any other?
Why—not get the best?—A MITCHELL.
MItohmil, Lmwlm A Simvmr Co.
Portland. Seattle. Spokane. Boise.
Agents Everywhere.
Well Machines
aen, Agts.
Front St.
Portland, Or
Parents desiring home influence*, beautiful
unrounding*, perfect climate, egreful super
vision, and thorough mental, moral and phys
' '■ ' ing for their boys, will find all these
t'a School, Menlo
sty, uu.
Bend for Catalogue.
Twelth year begins August 12 th.
IRA 0. HOITT. Fh. D., Principal.
__ BENDS. — For prospectus and
full particulars about how you should
Z receive your money back each year in
Z dividends, send vour name and address
j i
TP B Send for
yTcfl &£ plB
The only positive remedy
for Kidney and Bladder dis
eases—also cures constipa
tion. A wonderful purifier
and tonic ; no harmful effects.
Write us today for FREK
SAMPLE and be convinced.
8. Heltehn A Co., Agtl.
_ Portland, Ore. j
J W.H.
# ASS A Y t Kb, à
A Spokane. Prospect samples: Silver, 50c; #
A lead, 50c ; Gold and sliver, *1. A
Gold.................* .50 I Gold and Silver.« .75
Lead....................50 | Gold.silv's.oop'r L50
Prompt returns on mall samplet
usé isi
ISth St., Denver, Ctlo.
No. 2ft. 1802
XTETHKN writing to advertisers please
f T mention this paper.
"And haven't you got any. more
money?" asked the sweet young thing
celling chances at the chnrch fair.
"Yes; I've got a dollar," reluctant
ly admitted the unfortunate but truth*
ful young man. "But I put it in the
sole of my stocking before patting on
my shoes so as to have, something to
pay my car fare homfi."—Brooklyn
Eagle. ^
The Spirit of Strife.
Edith—What makes you look so
downcast, Ruth? There must be some
thing that's troubling yon.
Rath—Tell you the troth, Edith, my
married life has been a disappoint
ment. Before we were married all the
girls were after Charley; but now it
doesn't appear that any of them want
him. I should be so happy if one or
two of them would only try to steal him
away from me!—Boston Transcript. •
Extreme Cruelty.
Employer—Mr. Slack, would you like
to have an increase in salary?
Employe—Would I? I should say I
would. '
Employer—Well, let me tell yon,
then, that unless you get down here
earlier and work a great deal harder,
you'll never get it in the world.—Chi
cago News.
Not Sudden Enough.
Her Mother—You told him you
would have to have two days in which
to make up your mind.
Edith (petulantly)—Yes. I couldn't
believe a man was much in love who,
when we were watching out the old
year, couldn't get up the nerve to pro
pose until 11:30 o'clock.—Brooklyn
Not the Only One.
"Yes, Mr. Swiftboigh has gone to the
country for a rest. The doctor, says
he has been doing too much brain
Brain work! Why, I didn't know
he was a brain worker."
Sure. He worn himself oat trying
to remember every morning .what oc
curred the night before."—Baltimore
News. __
He—Whan he married the widow he
quit smoking.
He—Well, she gave up her weeds for
him and he gave up the weed for her.
—Philadelphia Telegraph.
Stranger—Do people really have their
offices in the tops of those sky scrapers?
Manhattan—Of course. The days are
longer up there than they are on the
street level, and every minute counts
here.—Town Topics.
Home Information Bureau.
Hixon—Between me and my wife we
know it all.
Dixon—How's that?
Hixon—She tells me everything that
happens, and I tell her a lot of things
that never happened.— Chicago News.
World's Largest Cheese.
The largest cheese ever made was six
feet ten inches in diameter and 21 feet
in circumfetence. It was made at the
Ingersoll factory, in Canada, and
weighed 7,000 pounds.
Perfect Legal Proof.
Mrs. Newlywed—John, I've lost our
marriage certificate!
Mr. Newlywed—Never mind! Any
one of these receipted millinery bills
will prove the ceremony.—Puck.
' Plate Powder.
Plate powder is usually made of rouge
and prepared chalk. Plate powder con
taining mercury puts a splendid polish
on silver, but is very injurious.
Accounted For.
"He looks so grave."
"That's because he is buried in him
$100.00 Reward
To protect your health and our reputation, we will gladly pay this big reward to any one who will furnish us infor
mation on which we can secure conviction of a dealer who tries to sell worthless fake imitations, when CASCARET 5
are called for. When you're offered something "just as good", it's because there is a little more money in the fake.
Buy CASCARETS from the honest dealer. They are always put up in blue metal boxes with long-tailed trade
marked C on the cover—every tablet stamped C. C. C„ and they are never sold in bulk. Remember this and when
ever fakes are offered when CASCARETS are called for. get all the details and write us on the subject at once.
w ork wruLi: you
111 never net well and be well ulfthe time until yea pat yoar beweis
Take oar advice) start with CAUGAKKT* today, aader an abealate
tee to euro or nraacy refunded.
dotier modi«
•ar Wit iMtl
F box to
after uelajr
Health will
■et yoar
Produce Chronic Catarrh.
Madame Isabella Ellen Baveas.
Madame Isabella Ellen Baveas, Lift
Governor Grand Lodge of Free Masons
of England, in a ietterfrom Hotel Sara
toga, Chicago, 111., says:
'This summer while traveling I
contracted a most persistent and an
noying cold. My head ached, my eyes
and nose seemed constantly running,
my lungs were sore and I lost my ap
petite, health and good spirits. Doc
tors prescribed for me all manner of
pills and powders, but ail to no pur
"I advised with a druggist and he
spoke so highly of a medlcine xalled
Peruna, that he induced me to try my
first bottle of patent medicine. How
ever, it proved such a help to me that
I soon purchased another bottle and
kept on until I was entirely well."—
Madame Isabella Ellen Baveas.
Summer colds require prompt treat
ment. They are always grave, and
sometimes dangerous. The prompt
ness and surety with which Peruna
acts in these cases has saved many
lives. A large dose of Peruna should
be taken at the first appearance of a
cold in summer, followed by small and
oft repeated doses. There is no other
remedy that medical science can furn
isn, so reliable and qnick in its action
as Peruna.
Address The Peruna Medicine Com
pany, Columbus, Ohio, for a free book
entitled "Summer Catarrh," which
treats of the catarrhal diseases peculiar
to summer.

$3&$3£9 SHOES S
Established 1876. For more than a
quarter of a century the reputation of
W. L. Douglas shoes for style, com
fort, and wear has excelled all other
makes. A trial will convince you.
ÎÏÏÂ 11 , 108 , 82 # 1 iWÄ $ 2 , 840,000
Bist Imported and American leathers, Heyl'e
Patent Calf, Enamel, Box Calf, Calf, Viel Kid, Corona
Colt, Nat. Kangaroo. Fast Color Eyelets need.
Caution !
The genuine have W. L DOUGLAS'
name and price stamped on bottom.
Shoes by mail, 25c. extra. Illus. Catalog free.
They'd Come Back
"Rimer's having some success with
his poems now, I believe."
"Nonsense! What makes you think
that?" «
"He told me he was holding his
"Just so. He's jnst realizing that
he might as well hold them as send
them away."—Philadelphia Press.
EighThT It
"I have been making a tonr of the
South," remarked J. B. Joseph. "I
was greatly amused on alighting from
the train on the Georgia Central, in
Savannah. The station is surrounded
in all directions by a lot of saloons.
In great illuminated letters over one
of these saloons was the sign:
✓ " 'Open all night.' "
A Poier for "Pop."
Pa—Yes, dear.
Teddy—May I ask a question?
Pa—Certainly, Teddy.
Teddy—Where's the wind when
don't blow?—New York Times.
His Idea of Friendship.
"The best way to destroy your en
emies," said the man with a gentle na
ture, "is to make them your friends.'
"Yes," answered Senator Sorghum,
thoughtfully, "but sometimes that
costs a heap of money."—Washington
The Oldest and Best
S. S. S. is a combination of roots
and herbs of great curative powers,
and when taken into the circulation
aeorches out and removes all manner
of poisons from the blood, without
the least shock or harm to the system.
On the contrary, the general health
begins to improve from the first dose,
for S. S. S. is not only a blood purifier,
hut an excellent tonic, and strength
ens and builds up the constitution
while purging the blood of impuri
ties. S. S. S. cures all diseases of a
blood poison origin, Cancer, Scrofula,
Rheumatism, Chronic Sores and
Ulcers, Eczema, Psoriasis, Salt
Rheum, Herpes and similar troubles,
and is an infallible cure and the only
antidote for that most horrible d i seas e ,
Contagious Blood Poison.
A record of nearly fify years of
successful cures is a record to be proud
of. S. S. S. is more popular today
than ever. It numbers its friends by
the thousands. Our medical corres
pondence is larger than ever in the
history of the medicine. Many write
to thank us for the great good S. S. S,
has done them, while others are seek
ing advice about their cases. All
letters receive prompt and careful
attention. Our physicians have made
a life-long study of Blood and Skin Dis
eases, and better understand such cases
than the ordinary practitioner who
makes a specialty of no one disease,
We are doing great
'ood to suffering
umanity through
our consulting dc
partaient, and invite
you to write ns if you have any blood
or skin trouble. We make no charge
whatever for this service.
BENJ. I. COHEN, President. B. LEE PAGET, Secretary.
The Portland Trust Company of Oregon Issues Interest Bearing Certificate* of Deposit
on the Following Terms:
On Special Certificates of Deposit, not less than «500 each, payable upon ten day*'
call by the holder or ten days' notice by the Trust Company, 3% per cent per annum.
Payable on thirty days' call or thirty days' notice, 3w per cent per annum.
Payable on ninety days' call or ninety days' notice, 4 per cent per annum.
On certificates of «5,000 or over interest will be paid quarterly or semi-annually if
109 Third Street, Portland, Oregon.
Long Hair
"About a year ago my hair was
coming out very fast, so I bought
a bottle of Ayer's Hair Vigor. It
stopped the falling and made my
hair grow very rapidly, until now it
is 4s inches in length."—Mrs. A.
Boydston, Atchison, Kans.
There's another hunger
than that of the stomach.
Hair hunger, for instance.
Hungry hair needs food,
needs hair vigor— Ayers .
This is why we say that
Ayer's Hair Vigor always
restores color, and makes
the hair grow long and
heavy. «1.00 a bottle. All druggist*.
If your druggist cannot supply you,
send us one dollar and we will express
you a bottle. Be sure and give the name
of your nearest express oftice. Address,
J. C. AYER CO., Lowell, Mass.
His Profession.
"Please, sir," began the beggar
"would you give a poor man a dime'
I can't get work at my trade, and—"
"Why," Btormed the prosperous
looking pedestrian, "I just gave you a
dimeat the other corner! What is
your trade, anyway?"
"I know you gave me that dime,
sir," said the beggar, "but you see
I'm a retoucher by profession."—Bal
timore American.
How's Thin?
We offer one hundred dollars reward for any
case of Catarrh that can not be cured by
Hall's Catarrh Cure.
F. J. CHBNT5Y Ä CO., Props., Toledo, O.
We, the underaigned, have known F. J,
Cheney for the last 15 years, and believe him
perfectly honorable In all busin<>ss transac
tions and financially able to carry out any
obligatio ne made by their firm.
WEST & THU AX, Wholesale Druggists, To
ledo, O.
Druggists, Toledo, O.
Hall's Catarrh Cure is taken internally, act
ing directly upon the blood- and mucous sur
faces of the system. Price ?5c per bottle. Sold
by all druggists. Testimonials free.
Hall's Family Pills are the beet.
On the Golf Links.
Gladys—Edith says you are only
mazing love to me ont of . revenge be
cause she refused yon.
Rupert—Pray tell her for me that
revenge is so sweet that I've forgiven
the injury.—Judge.
How to Be Happy.
"They say that Mamie's twice as
happy since her divorce."
"She ought to be. Her husband
used to allow her $30 a month for
spending money, and now she gets $60
for alimony."— San Francisco Town
A Try*t,
Benevolent Gentleman — My little
boy, have you no better way to spend
this beautiful Sunday afternoon than
by standing before the gate idling
away your time?
Boy—I ain't idling away my time.
There's a feller inside with my sister '
who's paying me sixpence an hour to
watch for pa.—Tit Bits.

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